I'll Sell the Shit Out of Your Tacos

I just found out that I'm pretty much an expert at making advertisements.  I saw an ad for Taco Bell and I was like "That ad doesn't make me want to buy tacos at all.  I could do way better than that."

And Boyfriend was all "Tacos don't really need advertisements.  They're tacos.  They pretty much advertise themselves."

Me:  "Yeah, but what if you are trying to break into the taco market and you have to compete with an established brand, like Taco Bell?  You'd need to advertise and let consumers know that you are there and you are at least as competent at making tacos as Taco Bell."

Boyfriend:  "Yeah."

Me:  "And that's where I come in!"

Boyfriend:  "That's where you come in and do what?"

Me:  "Advertise the shit out of the new tacos!"

Boyfriend:  "And how are you planning to do that?"

Me:  "Easy.  I'll show you."

So then I drew this to demonstrate how I would advertise tacos:



If you are the owner of an up-and-coming taco business, I made this for you.  You're welcome.  Taco Bell should've thought of hiring me, but they didn't, so the advantage is all yours.

And my expertise is not limited to tacos!

Example 1.) This is how I would sell pants:



If you are told that you are on fire and then you find out that it was just a joke and no, you aren't actually on fire, you'll be so thankful to be alive that you'll pretty much be willing to buy anything.

Example 2.) This is how I would sell insurance:



This advertisement could work for almost anything, but I chose Liberty Mutual because it was the first thing I thought of.  Which probably means they don't need better advertising.  And I just realized that I should have used a bank as my example because then the catchphrase "it makes a lot more sense than this picture" would have the added benefit of being a pun.

Example 3.) And this is how I would sell dog food:






People will remember an ad like that.  Every dog food brand ever makes commercials of adorable puppies frolicking in grass or mischievously unrolling toilet paper all over the house.  I bet none of them have ever dared to tell you that they'd turn your dog into a dragon.  Just imagine, a couple is in the grocery store, trying to decide what kind of dog food to buy, and they're like "well, they're all pretty much the same - WAIT!  Is that PURINA?  Doesn't that stuff turn your dog into a dragon?  AWESOME!  I'm buying that."  You jut got a new customer.

If you want people to buy your shit, I'm the person to call.   And if you contact me soon, you'll probably be able to scam me into giving you a radical deal because I have been so busy discovering my talents that I haven't had time to do the proper research and I don't have any idea how much to charge for my services.  If you contact me with an offer within the next 24 hours, I'll throw in a free piece of cake.   That's right... cake.  Absolutely fucking free.

What are you waiting for?  Email me at ickybana5@hotmail.com.  I know it sounds unprofessional, but that's the email address I've had since I was 14 and I'm not about to change it to accommodate my needs as an adult.  I have some hardcore loyalty to that email address...  just like the loyalty I'm going to try to build between you and your customers!  ZING!  It's like I was born to do this.  

74 comments:

brian said...

YES

Now all you need to do is make an ad for your ad making services.

It may be a bit confusing, but I think that you can use that to your advantage.

Sam Liu said...

Your advertising skills astound me, I want a dragon dog now!

Erin said...

i want the dog dragon... and the cake. mostly the cake, quite honestly.

Allie said...

Brian - It'll be like a vortex! I'm an expert at vortexes too, so I think you're right about me being able to use this to my advantage...

Sam - I WANT A DRAGON-DOG TOO! I bet they're even hypoallergenic. Dragons are the new poodles. Pretty soon we're going to see labradragons and cockadrags. You heard it here first.

Allie said...

Erin - I anticipate that the demands for dog-dragons and cake will send Purina's sales through the roof. Someone should let them know about this.

Ben said...

I just bought a fuckload of Purina.

Christy said...

Hahahaha, I really like the "it makes more sense" one after you said a bank ad could have the pun. Brilliant!

Also, do you draw all those using just the computer mouse or are you using a tablet PC? Because it would seriously be a miracle if I could even draw a smiley face in Paint without it coming out fucked up.

mepsipax said...

Allie, I love your fucking drawings. Well, not your fucking drawings but your other drawings about dragon dogs and shit. Well not shit. Ok, this is going badly.

Morgan said...

In the wrong hands, advertising power like that could lead to some very, very scary situations.

Imagine everyone walking around in UGGs (UGHs is more appropriate, imo)! *shudders*

Christina In Wonderland said...

Indeed, your advertising skills are AWESOME! I want to buy them.

The dragon dogs. Not your mad ninja skills. You can keep those.

I guess...

Sharon Needles said...

I'm a part-time Tarot Consultant, and my brain is exploding at the possibilities you could come up with.

Allie said...

Ben - Dachshund dragons!!! They'll be adorable AND ferocious! Kind of like that flying dog-dragon thing in The Neverending Story, only tinier.

Christy - Thank you! For the drawings, I use the touch-pad on my MacBook most of the time because I draw while sitting on the couch, but I use the mouse if I somehow end up sitting at the table :)

mepsipax - Animated porn! It's been done, but not like I'd do it!

Morgan - I like to think I started the Uggs trend. Back in the winter of 2001, I used to wear my mom's Uggs to the store when I was too lazy to put on long pants. Then the fashion industry totally perverted what could have been a wonderful thing. That's what happens when you don't get ME to advertise for you, though.

Christina - It's beginning to look like my road to billionaire-hood is paved with dragon dogs. That's actually kind of horrifying. How about "my road to billionaire-hood will be made by dragon dogs"? Yeah, that's better.

Allie said...

Sharon - Totally. Like, I could draw you riding a dragon with the tagline "Tarot readings with sharon are THIS awesome!" Or I could just draw a picture of your face with the caption "Sharon: She'll read your fucking future." I think it would work.

Allie said...

Sharon - OOOH! Or you could say

"Sharon. Tarot. Take out all the consonants and you get the exact same word: "Ao." Coincidence?"

That is what you need to propel you to instant fame.

lacey said...

i really like the headline for this post and how when i first saw it i just saw "i'll blank blank shit blank blank your tacos," and my mind totally filled that in with "i'll shit all in your tacos," which is hilarious.

also, when was the last time that someone told you that it's so, so awesome how you respond to comments? you are the best blogger ever.

Chl said...

I'm totally with you on the Taco thing. Taco Bell hasn't had a good agency doing their work since they told the "You Quiero Taco Bell" joint to hit the bricks. I will have to go out on a limb and say that while I have entertained the thought of a structure fire rather than clean my house, I don't think I want it at the expense of my dog-turned-dragon. Unless your food also makes him super smart so he will know to high-tail it out of there once the kitchen is significantly engulfed in flames. He's my furkid after all.

Tony said...

Girrrrrl....I'm on my way to e-mail you right now. I have an idea that would make BOTH of us super rich.

Ink Spiller said...

My dog is allergic to Purina and I'm totally bummed out now. We're stuck with Hills Science and he's only ever going to himself! It doesn't even make them smarter! The Universe is so cruel.

Midnight Dawns said...

I will offer you my undying loyalty and the chance to name my first two children if you make me a Midnight Dawns banner/ad/thingy to promote the band :D

Allie said...

I just ordered tacos for dinner. Enough said.

Allie said...

oh, also, please look at my blog:
http://alliekate.blogspot.com

...that would be cool.

King of Fools said...

I just laugh a lot because my uncle owns a Purina in Texas.

Allie said...

lacey - Haha. That's the part in advertising where the client calls me back and they say "Umm... yeah... we like what you do here, but we're not so sure that we want people associating our tacos with shit... like we don't want to be known as the 'shit taco guys' or something..." And then I'm like "No, no taco guys. That was just to get their attention. Later it will be revealed that you are the 'raddest, unicorn-riding punk rockers ever!" And they'll be all "Oh. In that case, carry on." It makes sense in my head.

Chl - The food also has intelligence-boosting capabilities. I think it has to do with the infusion of b-vitamins or something. I'll have to consult Purina on the details.

Tony - OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

Ink Spiller - This could all be fixed if Hills hired me to make an ad for them...

Midnight Dawns - I'll see what I can do...

Allie - I'm going to use that as a testimonial. I'll be working for Taco Bell before you know it.

KIng of Fools - OH MY GOD - You should tell your uncle that you know someone who can sell the shit out of his dog food. I'm sure he'll be all over it. Maybe.

Barbara said...

You should make commercials for all of these ads. That would be sweet.

Juli Ryan said...

So I'm not the only one who is still using Hotmail. Awesome.

Miss Yvonne said...

That first one would be even better if there was a taco jammed onto the unicorn horn. You should totally hire me to be your creative partner. Because I'm like this all day. Boom! Idea. Just like that.

Sarah P said...

You're so good at this, you could probably sell the evil wild goose that invaded your home as a dragon dog. It wouldn't make you famous, but it might make you rich.

(I almost wrote, "It might make you rick," which would actually probably make you famous, soooo ... you choose.)

timtimtim said...

aaaaaand all the companies you just plugged will be scratching their heads at the end of the month when their profits are slightly higher than expected.

mepsipax said...

Although I think you are super awesome Allie. I don't think you could do animated porn any worse than the japanese. They have that shit cornered. Even you can't top that weird. Oh no, now you will try. Dear lord what have I started. Won't someone think of the children.

Delicia said...

Is this where I mention that the Dragon Dog has actually been done.. on Wizards of Waverly Place. And words cannot describe how embarrassed I am to know that.

Unicorns are pure WIN, however.

Saadi said...

I doubt anything even you can come up will get ne1 to buy our stinking Clinic Staff!!! :(

Cool paint drawing!

JMH said...

That new taco joint is going to have to compete with my advertising copy. I've just been hired by The Bell on the strength of these three slogans:

Taco Bell:

1) Disgustingly delicious.

2) Savor the flavor of shame.

3) Ding-dong diarrhea.

dogimo said...

Boy oh boy. This makes me want to go into business for myself, just to be some kind of unstoppable success once I hire the advertising firm of Icky, Bana & Brosh to handle my top account!

I don't know what to sell. I don't even know what to sell...it could be ANYTHING!

You know what the problem with you is, Allie, if any? You open up too many worlds of possibility.

Serious.

But as we say in the business, "that's a good problem to have"!

Shana said...

Now I totally want cake...dammit. Where am I going to get cake at this hour???

Matthew J Bevis said...

Speaking of you drawing porn ... does anyone want to see Allie's artistic representation of the color purple?

Coopie said...

have you seen the "advertisement" for male enhancement pills?

it's got a before shot of some dude and the after shot shows a t-rex with a hot babe and it's like "I'M A FUCKING T-REX!"

i think i saw it on buzzfeed.com...and also maybe failblog somewhere....

this reminded me of that...only...you totally rocked it better!

Coopie said...

wait wait wait. THE allie...has....an artistic representation.....of THE COLOR PURPLE!?!?!?

MUST.SEE.NOW.

unless you're talking about just the actual color and not the movie LOL then that would be kind of a "haha made ya look!" thing and that would be TRICKERY and, as we have all learned by now, TRICKERY IS BAD.

Matthew J Bevis said...

It's not the film. In fact, the specifications I gave her included the instruction that she was not allowed to use the color purple in her artistic representation of said color.

The result, as you can no doubt guess, was absolute genius.

And pornographic.

Salt said...

I would buy absolutely anything with a picture of a crazy-legs unicorn on it. I don't even eat tacos and I would buy those tacos.

CherBearBlue said...

Do you think that your advertising magic would also work for getting me a tenure track position at a prestigious university? I'd give you a 5% cut of the salary and a bonus if you get me start up funds. Also, that percentage will go up proportionally to the miles away said job is from my future in-laws. Preferably far away from airports and train stations and the internet and the mail and pony express.....*sob....

Maggie said...

Free credit report.com has undisputably the best comercials ever. They sing and play guitar and wear pirate hats and sometimes they go to a renaissance fair! If your unicorn was also a pirate who played guitar or your on fire man was at a renaissance fair and had curly hair and sang a catchy song about pants that would be best. However, I think you are on the right track.

Ed Adams said...

Those ads are so good, it makes me want to eat Purina myself.

Yeah, I'm a Fucking Dragon now!!!


RRRaaaawwrrrrr!

*breaths fire*

Huntski said...

I just found this blog from a link at 'Fire Megan McArdle'. Much like Jeff Lebowski, aka 'The Dude', it's a comfort to know you're out there. Keep up the great work.

MODG said...

Hi. I'd like to buy all of this. Including the dragon dog. Where do I send my billion dollar check?
hearts and charms.
MODG

Girl Meets Gun said...

LMAO.

That's all I have to say.

Heidi said...

allie, not only are you a great advertiser, but you are a predictor of future. i can NOT EVEN BELIEVE you wrote this post because (not even lying here) literally like 2 days ago i told boyfriend (mine, not your boyfrind-the original) that if we ever got to open our dream restaurant i would contact that funny blog girl i've been talking about and have her write the ad because it would be the best ad ever and so much better than stupid boring ads....and now here you are telling me you in fact are in the ad writing business. which makes my idea a little less original but still genius nonetheless. now if only i had something to advertise....i'll get back to you on that one. i just can't figure out how you got into my head and retrieved that information? the awesomeness has no limits...

Heidi said...

btw, you still have to compete with 'fourthmeal' and that is pretty tough competition

Samiya said...

If i actually had something to advertise you would totally be the person i go to coz your adverts are freakin awesome :)

Windsor Grace said...

You're awesomely out of control.

CorneliusButterfield.com said...

The hell with my flatulating dog. Give me some of this stuff. I want to be a dragon. I'm the one need a shot in the arm. Double rum and Coke just ain't kicking me in the ass like it used to. Please, assistance needed, this morning if possible.

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Dragons eat puppies, which is why your ad totally wins.

JustLinda said...

Except - my dog IS really named Dragon! And he even wore a dragon costume for Halloween! And he's destructive like a dragon. I mean, he hasn't lit anything on fire (yet) but the squirrels all fear him.

So I would prefer a dog food that promises to turn him into something else, please. Perhaps a snowglobe. Snowglobes hardly ever poop inside, as best I know.

Oh, I think I'm onto a new invention.. a dogfood that promises the buyer that their dog will never poop inside!! Brilliant. Maybe even better than the No Muck Duck (patent pending).

Jay Ferris said...

Tacos and puppies are cool for sure, but what happpens when you have to design for a product you detest, such as mayonnaise, cilantro, or lutefisk? Please note that I can only assume you hate at least one of these, since most people do.

Lizzy and Elle said...

That is so awesome!!

We think you are awesome and would like to invite you to join our blog club http://sexnfries.ning.com

lacey said...

oh my goodness - JustLinda / allie - MY DOG IS TOTALLY A DRAGON ALREADY TOO. i cannot believe that i didn't OMG about this earlier. allie, i'm totally sending you pictures. they don't compete with your ms paint illustrations - i mean, come on - but they're pretty fabulous.

Just.Kate said...

YES. You were born to do this.

Zing!

Hippo Brigade said...

Gosh, you're good, because all I can think about is buying some pants and eating tacos.

Blaise said...

Hmmm... You would be a great asset in my marketing class!

Simone Says... said...

i've been working in advertising for 17 years, and i've never seen anything remotely close to your amazingness. on a side note, my dog has dragon breath.

Amanda West said...

Lol.

I love that you're so loyal to your email address.

Ellie said...

PLEASE advertise my blog. I just want to see what you come up with....

~dawn said...

Ummm... alot of your characters look like Jack Pumpkin from Nightmare Before Christmas... but that's cool cuz apparently he is in style.
And if I found out I wasn't really on fire, I'd be thrilled to find out I could buy some pants instead!

jimfre said...

I am in Alaska. It's cold. Laughing makes me expell warm air and drops my body temperature. Thanks for inducing hypothermia.

Kate said...

You need one of these: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=39638008

Kate

Anna|annA said...

I would so buy Purina if it were to be advertised in that way. Having a dragon dog would be flippin' awesome!

Anonymous said...

I too have had a hotmail account since I was 14. What's more is that I still have the first email I ever received in that account in my inbox! Did free, web-based email really exist in 1999, you ask? I've got proof!

Ray Colon said...

So, Allie, was your boyfriend convinced? I know that I am.

Sorry for the late comment, but I just found your blog yesterday. I likes. I likes.

If the few posts that I've read so far are any indication, you're well on your way to being a "champion of the Internet!"

My favorite ad was You're on Fire. I'm still laughing.

Sophie said...

I have a sandwich shop with really good sandwiches. But seriously... who can compete with 5..5 dollar... 5 dollar footlonnng?? I need a sandwich ad.

Allie said...

Sophie - Are you being serious? Because I'll make you one that will kick the shit out of Subway's ads.

Thomas said...

Hey, you know that there's a cat food radio ad in the Netherlands that follows your dog food model nearly to the letter? Cat food brand Whiskas advertises with a female voice saying, "This is your cat after eating regular cat food", followed by a cute-ish meow. Next we hear "This is your cat after eating Whiskas brand thingamajig", followed by a brutal lion's roar. All of which is to say, I think you should totally pitch some of those ads to random companies.

James said...

Damn you are a brilliant. if I start a taco joint down here in Austin I would love for you to advertise! seriously. all I came up with was "Tacos mother f-er!". you are right tough. they sell themselves.

Nicholas said...

Haha! second comment in a row... I once had a dishwasher (at a restaurant. he worked for me. he was not a machine) who answered every request with a .. I will _blanketyblank_ the shit out of those _blankityblanks_. As in "buddy, don't forget to mop the floors tonight"
"I'm gonna mop the SHIT outa those floors" *smile*grin*

Dan said...

Haha I love your adverts Allie, I like your liberty one so much that it is my background now xD

~Dan

Matt said...

Ickybana?! Is that tacky flower arrangement?