You know when you look back at your childhood and ask yourself "how sure am I that I wasn't retarded? I'm pretty sure, right? Holy shit, was I retarded?" That happened to me today and I'm pretty sure that the answer is "yes."
I found one of my journals from elementary school. Have you ever seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind," where Russel Crowe is supposed to be some sort of genius and he writes all sorts of crazy conspiracy plans all over his walls but actually he's just schizophrenic? That's pretty much exactly what my journal looks like, except the signs don't point toward schizophrenia.
Excusing the fact that I obviously wasn't even trying to write on the lines, there are all of these confusing arrows and randomly capitalized words and places where I went back years later to edit in something monumentally important like "I don't need new pants anymore because I bought some cargo pants." Like I was going to be reading along and be suddenly stricken with confusion - "Did I ever buy pants? I don't remember! Oh God! How will I ever - oh good, it looks like I bought some cargo pants. What a relief."
One of my very first journal entries reads "I wonder what my day is going to be like? I hope I have a good day. I'll write more later."
Then later I just wrote "My hand got shut in the car door. It hurt."
Another entry reads "I had so much fun at recess today! We made a slide on a hill out of a cardboard box! And then we played on it!"
The rest of the page is filled with giant, scrawly writing that says "BOXES ARE SO FUN!!!!!!!"
A week or so later I write "I went to the orthodontist today to get my braces tightened. Mom had to run errands and she was late picking me up, so I took a nap behind a plant."
Oh good. A nap behind a plant in a busy dental-complex waiting room. How perfectly normal. I'm sure my mom was overjoyed to explain that to everyone. I can just imagine her shaking me awake and running out of the building, dragging me behind her, yelling "don't judge me!"
Apparently my favorite day ever (I know this because there is a little box above it that says "this is my favorite day") went like this:
"We had a sledding party up at Pine hill and I bashed up my knee. Then we got pizza! Me, Alison, Sophie and Shane sat at the same table and we made really long straws by sticking normal straws inside of each other! Then we saw Patch Adams!"
This is followed by three entire pages of Blink 182 lyrics.
It starts out with really tiny handwriting that just says "I saw some really awesome green spots today." (Then the handwriting gets HUGE) "I HAD THE MOST BORING WEEKEND EVER!! MONET STAYED OVER AND JUST SAT THERE LOOKING STUPID. SHE WAS AT OUR HOUSE ALL WEEKEND EATING OUR FOOD AND WATCHING OUR MOVIES. SHE BROUGHT HER STUPID DOG, TRAVIS, AND WHEN I WAS LYING ON THE COUCH, HE JUMPED UP THERE AND STARTED HUMPING MY LEGS AND I COULDN'T MAKE HIM STOP BECAUSE I WAS TRAPPED UNDER A BLANKET!!!! Sunday was okay though. I went to Joey's house and we jumped off of furniture onto pillows."