Dinosaur

Boyfriend and I were sitting innocently in our living room, watching a movie.  Then I heard a sound like grinding metal coming from outside and I was like "Do you hear that?"

Boyfriend: "Hear what?"

Me: "It sounds like robots having sex."

Boyfriend: "I'm not familiar with that sound."

Me: "Listen! It sounds like someone swinging on a rusty swing, only they're swinging really, really furiously. Like I don't know if it would be possible to swing that furiously. It's way more likely that it's robots having sex in our yard."

Boyfriend: "You should go check."

Me: "I don't want to go out there! I have no idea what could be making a sound like that. It's probably dangerous."

Boyfriend: "It's probably just Rustle." (Rustle is our neighbor's labrador retriever.)

Me: "I'm pretty sure dogs aren't capable of making that sound."

Boyfriend: "No, that's definitely Rustle. I can hear him barking."

Me: "NO! There's another sound. A different sound. HOW CAN YOU NOT HEAR THAT???"

Boyfriend: "Because I'm not crazy?"

My curiosity and the urge to prove that I wasn't actually insane finally outweighed my fear of what might be on the other side of the door. I put on my hero-face and went outside.

I don't know if you've ever seen a dog battling a goose/monster, but that is what I saw when I opened the door. It was like The Gladiator out there, only with way more violence and robot-sex sound effects. At first, I was like "No Rustle! BAD DOG!" because I didn't want him to kill the goose. I chased him to the other side of the yard and by the time I turned around, the goose was inside my house. I heard Boyfriend yell "OH SHIT!!!"

I ran inside to find the goose chasing Boyfriend around our living room. Boyfriend was throwing things at it and yelling "GET IT AWAY!! GET IT AWAY!!! OH MY GOD!! WHAT'S IT DOING??!!" Everything was chaos. I started throwing things too and yelling "WHAT DO I DO?? WHAT DO I DO?!!"

Boyfriend: "IT'S TRYING TO BITE ME!! WHY IS THERE A GOOSE IN OUR HOUSE, ALLIE??? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!"

Me: "IDON'TKNOWIDON'TKNOWIDON'TKNOW!! GET IT! STAB IT!!!"

Boyfriend: "STAB IT?? HOW??"

At this point, the goose turned it's reptilian gaze upon me. Everything was still for a moment.

Boyfriend: "What's it doing?"

Me: "Oh God... I don't know... It's watching me..."

The next ten minutes were almost exactly like the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park - Boyfriend and I running around chaotically, trying to hide - the goose pursuing us like a bloodthirsty velociraptor.

If you have never been attacked by a goose, you may be wondering what is so scary about geese. Allow me to illustrate with a story from my childhood:



If you fuck with geese, they will bite you in the face.

Luckily, Boyfriend and I have blankets hung over all of our doorways to conserve heat and we were eventually able to trap the goose in our kitchen behind one of the blankets.  At this point, I got out the video camera because there was a feral goose-raptor in my kitchen, you guys.

video

After it made several charges at me, I decided that antagonizing the goose was probably not wise, so I retreated to the living room. The backlighting in the kitchen cast a sharp silhouette of the creature on the bed sheet hung over the door. I could see it moving closer.

The sheet bulged outward.

It was escaping.

We fled up the stairs to the safety of our room. We could hear it pecking the ground outside our door.

We were trapped.


From our room, we called Fish and Game and they were like "Is it a wild goose?" And we were like "It's whatever kind of goose acts like a velociraptor..." and they were all "We don't know how to help you. Maybe you can trap it under a blanket and take it outside?" And we were like "Yeah, whatever."

After we got off the phone, Boyfriend said "So what are we really going to do with it?"

Me: "I don't know. Maybe we can trap it in the basement?"

Boyfriend: "That's a terrible idea. Do you really want that thing living in our basement?"

Me: "No. I don't know why I said that."


We decided that trapping it under a blanket was probably our only option. Unless we wanted to live in our room forever.  

After a dramatic struggle, we were able to trap the goose, put it in the back of Boyfriend's car, drive it to a nearby duck pond and release it into its natural habitat, even though I'm pretty sure I'm wrong about that and its natural habitat is actually the Jurassic period and it's probably going to murder those poor ducks and then lurk under the surface of the murky pond, just waiting for hapless children to get too close to the edge of the water.

122 comments:

CNR said...

This is probably your funniest blog post yet. I follow you on Twitter (you responded to me one time!!!) and I saw this yesterday. Could not wait for the ensuing blog post/explanation. My friend had a run-in with a goose as a kid, and she's still terrified of them to this day. I'll have to show her your graphic...I'm sure she'll relate.

CNR said...

Also, FIRST!

Salt said...

No. Frigging. Way. I would have had a heart attack if that thing had gotten into my house. I, too, know the horrors of goose attacks. I was cornered and then chased by several of them at a lake not far from where I live. They hissed at me. One of them may or may not have had a gun.

But seriously I am petrified of geese and that thing is way scary. I cannot believe that thing was in your HOUSE, Allie! OMG. I need to go take a Xanax and I wasn't even there.

Allie said...

CNR - It was pretty exciting! And scary. Geese are really, really powerful birds. It must be the raptor blood coursing through their veins. They rage like pros.

Allie said...

Salt - I can't believe it happened either. The whole time I was like "is this real? This is totally not real. I'm going to wake up and be like 'I'm never going to go to sleep again...'" But no. It was real. And now there's goose poop stains on my floor. I'm pretty sure their shit is made out of acid or something.

Nova said...

I've always thought people who said they cried from laughing so hard were idiots.

They aren't.

I'm literally in tears right now and my sides are in searing agony from laughing so much. And I know that society says it's wrong to laugh at other people's misery and pain...but damn Allie, you make it so hard not to.

Damn demon birds...

Allie said...

Nova - Thank you! I've always thought that the only upside to misery is using it to make other people laugh. That way, there's always a little bit of excitement attached to the terrible things that sometimes happen - I'm like "AAAAAAA!!! I'm being attacked by a violent dinosaur bird! Wait a second... This is going to make a GREAT blog post!"

Sandy said...

I am going to go ahead and thank you for the absolute hilariousness that this is!!!! This has made my night!

Stormy Cruz said...

Once, when I was a kid, I remember my dad told my grandma that people use geese like attack dogs...because they're vicious and, most notably, are the perfect height to get at a man's...uh...jewels, thus making them exceptionally effective at deterring would-be invaders.
Hearing things like this make very glad I do not have a penis.

kaloo said...

Hate Geese... Live near lake surrounded by geese...

I understand how you feel. Now, why didn't you just throw it in a field where it would get confused and eventually fly back to your house for revenge?

Tony said...

Oh my god...this was effing hilarious! There's just something extremely terrifying about an animal venturing into your home. Like when I was a kid, I left my back door open, and a damn squirrel got inside my house, and it was quite possibly the scariest moment of my life. It was like all of my 8 years of life slowly, yet quickly, flashed before my eyes. I can feel your pain, Allie. My dad killed that squirrel with his bare hands, and I think he got rabies.

Sam Liu said...

This was one of the funniest posts I've ever read, the video clip was hilarious! (By the way, I do apologise for finding so much enjoyment in what was, quite evidently, a rather traumatic even for you!)

And, I too was attacked by goose when I was a little kid, whilst I was feeding it! Horrible creatures.

Julia said...

When I was a wee child, on an innocent canoeing trip with my 4th grade class, I was standing near the river's edge and I picked up what I thought was a sweet little duckling. It was actually a baby gosling, and the moment I put it down that little gosling's crazy hen of a mother goose attacked me like there was no tomorrow and I absolutely had to die today. I was always the shortest of my class and so I wasn't much taller than that goose when I was in 4th grade. Needless to say, geese bite. HARD. and it hurts. like a bitch!

Loco YaYa said...

ok normally i love what you write. i snicker here and there or yell with you. i may say a few bad words or just stare at your drawings.

but today....

TODAY when i read this...

milk came out my nose. AT WORK.

Amanda West said...

That's scary crap. Never was afraid of geese.

Tell now.

Jay Ferris said...

I'm pretty sure your chances of getting struck by lightning are greater than that of having your home invaded by a goose... yet somehow you manage. Simply because of who you are, you should keep that video camera on the ready at all times.

dogimo said...

I love animals, and I hate to take action against them, but I'm pretty sure if that thing came barging into my house - a goose that size would find that long neck to be a serious liability in the clash. Vis-a-vis my fret hand.

I love nature, but I have no qualms about putting it in its place: OUTSIDE.

Now mind you, I would not try that tack with a swan. I've been eye-to-eye with a swan, and those things are fing enormous.

Good job though handling it! And calling the neighbors is probably safer for everybody. I talk a big game, but having never tackled a goose I can't say I wouldn't get my eyes handed to me.

JustLinda said...

So you didn't even consider just leaving all you owned behind and moving??

Because. Ack!!

JustLinda said...

Also, did you have to clean up goose poop? Because those damn things seem to produce a LOT of poop. (I work in an office park and they are "protected" which means I have been late for meetings before while I had to wait for a whole motherfucking flock of them to meander slowly across the street... we're not allowed to run over them, which is a shame really, because, oy, the POOP!)

Ellie said...

Ah, if you'd put the goose in the basement it would have killed the scary monsters. In Australia possums come down the chimney, and not only do they crap everywhere, they SPRAY. I'm sure I don't need to clarify. That happens, gut house and start again.

Anonymous said...

As someone who has seen a Canada Goose attack a CAR, I completely sympathize with your plight. I also laughed a bit too loudly and may have sounded like said goose.

Ben said...

Had you not posted video - I totally would've called bullshit. Well played.

Ed Adams said...

This kind of shit could ONLY happen to you.

Great post.

Wendybob said...

I am so glad to know that we are not the only people in the world who hang blankets in the doorway to keep the heat in.

I thought only we Texas rednecks were savvy to that bit 'o wisdom.

On a related note, I was attacked enroute to the bathroom at 1am by a two-foot tall thrashing blanket monster and almost peed my pajamas. Turns out my dog stepped on the bottom hem of the door blanket while trying to come into the bedroom and then tried to turn around, thusly getting completely wrapped in the blanket and thrashing around maniacally.

It scared the shit out of me.
Now I'm glad is wasn't a freakin goose.

Thanks for the laugh!

Wynn said...

LOL, that's like.. movie material. You guys sure have an interesting life, inspite of small towns and unemployment!

I'm jealous. The only thing that comes barging in here is Marshall, and he never does anything interesting at all.

Amy --- Just A Titch said...

I was a camp counselor for 2 summers and one summer I was chased by a goat and another A GOOSE. And I have never been more afraid.

Beckles said...

wow that just made my not-so-good night much better! geese freak me the hell out. we have a shit-ton of canadian geese that hang out by the front door of my office. i keep my bag/keys/water bottle at the ready in case they attack. one of the guys that worked there told me when he was little he used a baseball mitt-grabbed the goose's head with it and shoot it furiously to confuse the goose (isn't that a game?) TOTALLY worked. then he ran away.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

No shit!
and
No! Shit!

Homemaker Man said...

Goose are crazy scary. You are crazy funny.

lovenotestoself said...

Okay, that. was. awesome. It was scarier than Blair Witch too. Congratulations on your survival.

shiko said...

I probably shouldn't be laughing so hard, but the game of peek-a-boo with the goose in the video nearly made me cry. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a blog in my life.
Thank you for sharing your pain.

Scribe said...

I didn't know whether to laugh or run to my door and look for rogue geese. I get freaked out over a mouse and I once got trapped inside my house because a skunk mama and her baby were in my backyard (I have to go through the backyard to get to my car). Good going for trapping it and releasing it. I'm not sure I would have handled it quite so nicely (and legally).

Scribe

P.S. Love the blog btw!

Cheryl said...

My grandmother would have been like, "awesome. Dinner".

imlivinginadream said...

Oh my god... the video you posted to go along with this started off so nice & innocent... the goose was all like "please love me?" and then that creepy music started playing and I actually totally panicked haha.

MOST RANDOM story ever. That's one to tell the children, one day hahaha. Definitely does not happen every day....

Maggie said...

I, too, have a goose story and I feel obligated to share it. Me and my friend were attacked by an ENTIRE FLOCK OF GEESE. We were walking innocently through a neighborhood at two in the morning(having NOT snuck out)when I heard a honk. I looked over and there were 10 geese in someones yard. Entire flock of geese and two 16 year olds; fun right? We decided probably we should go over and take a look to make sure they were really geese, and as soon as we stepped into the yard they ran at us flapping their wings, honking, and staring us down with their awful beady eyes. Just so everyone knows geese run really fast...it was pretty scary. Not as scary if they'd been in my house though.

themotherunit said...

Hello darling....it's your mother. Please don't ever stop doing the little stick people. They make me laugh—hard! But, please give poor Duncan some hair when you draw him. He has such nice hair and to depict him as bald as a cue ball is just wrong. Yes, geese can be scary, but they're nothing compared to parrots. Remember the Ewing's parrot that bit me through my winter coat and drew blood? Now that's scary sh__! (Incidentally, why such a liberal use of the "F" word on your blog....I mean, you weren't raised in a barn—near one, yes, but not IN one. Oh, and don't forget your dental appt. on Wed. Love, Mom

Jibba Jabba said...

A goose once bit my ex boyfriend on his penis when he was 6 years old. You were right to be afraid - they are after us all. Great post Allie - me and my housemates laughed for about 10 minutes

CINDERELLA said...

i seriously love how you are able to tell stories in an absolutely hilarious manner. you constantly make my day. :)

Saadi said...

OMG!! Wild Goose attacks....Goose bites are sooo freak'in bad! My cousin got bit once.....be thnakful he didn't take a nip at either!

Feeling sorry fr the poor ducks at the pond!

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Geese are fucking scary, I don't care what anyone says! I am NOT a big brave dog when it comes to those fuckers.

Matthew J Bevis said...

Look at all the crazy people coming out of the woodwork and 'fessing up to geese attacks. (Well, I'm another one of 'em.)

When you first mentioned that it was a goose attacking the dog, I knew immediately that the dog would be losing, and that you would soon be in danger. When you said it ran inside your house, I panicked. (Actually panicked for you!) When you mentioned Boyfriend's reaction to seeing the goose, I laughed. HARD. There's only one thing that can calm one down after hearing of a goose attack. And that's hearing that the goose is attacking someone else. Especially someone who had (only moments earlier) doubted your hearing and challenged your mental state. The Angry Goose God took vengeance!

I'm surprised that you glossed so quickly over the part of the story where the goose (presumably still wrapped up in the blanket) was put in the back of Boyfriend's car, driven to a nearby pond, taken out of the car and set free. I can't imagine all of that happened peacefully and without incident!

As everyone has already said, this post is HILARIOUS. I'm glad I'm now one of your rabid faithful.

Oh, and you know the funniest thing about Loco YaYa's comment, up near the top? She wasn't even drinking any milk at the time.

That's me done.

Matthew J Bevis said...

No, one other thing:

You have a local VIDEO store? Videos?

Talk about dinosaurs!

You can call me, Hammy said...

I too am one of your many faithful followers who has been attacked by a goose. I don't know if "attacked" is the right word to use in my case though. Many years ago, I was babysitting with a friend of mine and we took the little girl on a trip to the local lake to feed the ducks. When we ran out of bread, we turned around and left. I was holding the child and mid-stride a goose came up out of no where and bit my inner thigh.

... this is the part where I'm not sure if you can call it an attack...

Call it reflexes, call it, vengance for all the future goose victims of the world, I don't know... but I turned around swinging for whatever had just pinched my thigh. I caught the goose in the neck apparently and it flew back with it's wings spread. Thankfully, I didn't hurt it. It got up, shook itself off, and hobbled away. (This is also when my friend asked if the kid was okay. I was like... yes... but I'm not!)

Ever since that day, the geese around our lake give me dirty looks, but I've never had one attack me or anyone I'm with ever again.

rebecca said...

omg i thought you were joking and then i saw the video, it looks so scary!
cats used to come in from the neighbours in our house but we could just shoo them out but this is so scary. i swear the goose had an evil glint in his eye...
are you planning on making an anti-goose campiagn coz im so joining.
they always look so scary in ponds, they just come right up to you...

okay hopefully this wont happen again but if it does i cant wait to read the post! x

Sorcerer said...

You should name your video.

"Kunfu Geesy and Hidden Allie"

ROFLMAO on your blog post!!
awesome

Juli Ryan said...

What is wrong with me? I love geese. More than ducks even. I should have been there.

Sarah P said...

I'm, like, 87 percent sure that would only ever happen to you - and rightfully so. You're the only person who could do the story justice.

I'm glad it didn't carry you off to feed its dinosaur babies.

publicknitting said...

Dude. This is hilarious. And that you got it on video. You totally did a Cloverfield there.

The other night I heard a grating noise outside and my boyfriend denied that there was a sound. I was convinced that the guy with the hook from I Know What You Did Last Summer was about to break through my window and slash us to death. But, nothing happened.

inflammatory writ said...

I cracked up reading this, and what's hilarious is that the same thing happened to me as a kid. Imagine a little girl, about four years old, standing at the edge of the lake with a giant bag of popcorn. If my uncle hadn't gotten me out of there, well I don't know what. I was totally surrounded. It still gives me nightmares.

kallaydoscope said...

I'm so glad I was not drinking and/or eating while reading this post and my computer would now be covered in chewed food and spit up coffee.

THAT was hilarious!

No wonder Rustle was making odd noises!

Blue~Flame said...

I just cant imagine it happening in real life.
Wish I was invisibly there
:)
Ah, so howlarious :D

That Kind of Girl said...

The universe has a pretty forceful way of getting you to stop watching crappy movies. I APPROVE!

Loved the video you shot -- made me L quite literally OL.

sparklegreen said...

Hahaha wow! that is amazing! I love this blog. Makes my day!

Tgoette said...

Best. Post. Ever! That was hilarious and the video captured the drama and horror of velocigoose perfectly! Well done!

Mr. Wonderful said...

And swans are no bargain, either.

Blaise said...

I've had a bat get into my house, and a ferret, but never a GOOSE. That dog owes you big time, by the way...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The way the goose is behind the curtain each time you pull it back, like "hi!" *close* *pull it back* "hi!" *close* *pull it back* "hi!"...and each time I was thinking, omg, I wonder if he's still there! He is! There he is!

I alos love Allie's I Love Geese Shyhands. I can't believe how expressive you get with basic shapes.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

are you fuckin kidding me?

obviously you aren't as there is video proof, but holy shit.

i was have been crying in the corner as i'm PETRIFIED of birds, but you have balls girl.

Barbara said...

OMG, you had me in tears! Too fucking funny.

Years ago, my mother was attacked by one of those assholes when she was walking our dog. Geese are fierce.

gert said...

My husband would've just shot it. Geese are mean and they poop everywhere. But they taste good.

♥Gert

tee said...

I wish that video was longer. I hear swans are bat shit crazy too. So watch the eff out, Allie, watch the eff out.

--T

tee said...

I wish that video was longer. I hear swans are bat shit crazy too. So watch the eff out, Allie, watch the eff out.

--T

Little Miss English Teacher said...

I had to read this out loud to my husband ... he's still cracking up. I'm loving this blog!

Out of Sync said...

Haha that post was brilliant, my cheeks hurt from laughing!

At first I was struggling slightly to believe it as it seemed a little far fetched, only to have my doubts washed aside by first hand video evidence =D

Fantastic post, I love this blog.

Out of Sync said...

Oh yeah! The geese having red eyes during the highly detailed sketch description was priceless lol.

Nikole said...

I used to know a girl who had a pet goose named Duck and it was tame and if you caught crickets she would eat them out of your hands. That went well until one day I didn't deliver the cricket fast enough and the bitch tried my hand instead.

sarah said...

I peed a little when I read this.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

After getting past 67 comments I forgot what I was going to say (something about being invisible so I can stare in gym locker rooms and the Jews), so I'm going to say what I think the goose would say if it could talk, and before it hated you for trapping it: "I *honk!* wove you Awie!" "I wove *honk!* you Awie!"

Krista said...

AH HA HA HA! My favorite part is at the end of the video when the goose is just STARING at you and then you pull the blanket one last time and you can't see the goose and then the camera topples and the horror music starts. Hilarious!

CarrieAnn said...

You know what? Boyfriend totally deserved to get attacked by a crazy goose for making you go look for the horny robots in your backyard alone. Not cool.

Woolly said...

Just when I think your posts can't get any better.... you drop this bomb on me...

It was good for at least ten minutes of laughter!

Most people don't realize how mean geese are!

otherworldlyone said...

That was hilarious!

There's a goose that hangs around our house. He's like an adopted pet and answers to the name Larry. He only tries to eat men and little children. Ladies are safe. But, I'm thinking your goose was indeed from the Jurassic period.

Chl said...

Heheheheheheh! That was great. From here. Probably not so much from your house. My husband likes to chase geese at the lake. He actually caught one once and it bit him. Serves him right. Who chases geese anyway? He mush have been a golden retriever in a former life. Anyway, congrats on the successful extraction and relocation. :)

CherBearBlue said...

This is your best post ever. Thanks for the latte spewing out of my nose. I sincerely mean that.

Also, this would and could only happen to you...seriously, is there another person on earth prone to this crazy shit but you? Nope.

ahschmidt said...

I hate geese. I really do. They are vicious and foul (YEAH I JUST SAID THAT!)

I was biking to work, and came around a curve on the path, and there were a pack of the evil creatures. They all scattered, only one of them decided to fly away, across the path I was on. This thing was a fat ole' goose, so it took off kind of slowly. I ducked (heh) and only clipped it with my helmet, so as I wouldn't wreck with a face full of goose. I've since installed a spike on the top of my helmet, kind of like one of those German soldiers form world war 1 for the next time I run into these a-hole birds. I'm glad that you and boyfriend survived the ordeal.

mepsipax said...

Allie, you rock. Only you can take a regular occurrence... ok maybe not so regular. How the fuck do you get yourself into these issues. Also... I grew up down the street from a man who raised all sorts of birds. Occasionally during the summer he would pay me to do some chores. The most important thing I learned... Don't fuck with geese. Those bitches are mean, strong, and can bite harder than a poorly raised two year old. Seriously, they are evolved dinosaurs. You got that shit right.

Stephanie said...

All these goose attack stories now make me rather afraid of geese and that ms paint depiction didn’t help either. I remember living out on the farm several years ago and we used to have a small band of geese that we were raising that would walk up and down the driveway and such wandering around. In a way I suppose it made me feel safe though now I think I realize why I never went outside or near them. I guess they were looking for humans to prey upon.

Great post, it had me laughing for a while though it must have been rather terrifying. The look in that thing's eyes during that video... *shudder*

Megs said...

When I was in high school, a small deer followed me home once. While I am not actually a Disney princess, apparently I have the brain power of one, because I let the deer into the house. The results were not as awesome as I expected.

Did you know that a cornered deer will punch you in the head? Neither did I.

EastLakeCracker said...

http://www.ajc.com/news/when-turkeys-attack-reign-284718.html

feral birds of all sorts are out to kill us all...

Anonymous said...

omyfuckinggod. i just laughed until i cried and fell out of my chair and cried some more then my dogs thought something was wrong and licked my face until i cried again from laughter. THEN i watched the video and imploded from hilarity. i work w wild birds

~Jamie said...

oh holy crap!

I don't think I would have believed you if it hadn't been for the video, because what the hell kind of goose goes into a kitchen... but you were right that was some scary shit!

Awesome-Dan said...

The same thing happened to my sister once... It was kinda funny.

I do have this sudden urge to mail you a goose though.

Julie said...

I had one of those as a pet growing up!! The exact same goose. It would chase anyone who visited our house. All you have to do is kind of grab their neck and pick them up around the body with your other arm - they can't really bite you then.

Geese are insane though.

Wendy said...

As someone who was chased by a turkey as a small child (and scared for life), I can totally relate to this story! Birds are SCARY! (That's why a horror movie called "The Birds" exists!) Especially when the size of a turkey or gooose.

Sandra der KnitNazi said...

This blog is INSANELY FUNNY! I'm your newest FAN/Follower/Lurker!!!

I'm STILL ROFLMELAO!!!

Mindee said...

I fully realize how stalkerish I sound, but two of my closest friends are Martha and Duke, who own a lab named Rustle and have two small children. These aren't by chance the people you are speaking of, are they? Do you live in their carriage house or next door to them? I definitely stayed with them for the whole summer last year. SMALL. WORLD.

Allie said...

Mindee - HOLY CRAP!!! That's insane! Yes, Duke and Martha are Boyfriend and my landlords. They are absolutely wonderful!

Mindee said...

So funny! You must have moved in since I was there over the summer, because it was like an old married couple that lived there before. Haha. I will probably be back there sometime in the near-ish future (I can't go too long without some Martha and Duke time). In the meantime, give some love to Rustle and the two little ones for me. :) I can't get over how crazy this is.

The Girl said...

This is hilarious!! Someone just pointed me in the direction of this post because I just went away on holiday and had geese actually tapping on the patio window to be let in. AND I got bitten by one when I was younger in a series of events that was remarkably similar to your drawings.

Kim Davidson said...

I really really needed that today--oh my God was that funny! (After the fact, of course!) This totally beats the time our cat brought a live crow into the house and hid under the bed with it. The drawings and video are hilarious. And I love your Copyright Monster. "I kill you!" LOL.

willrun4food said...

Holy crap. This is only funny because it's damn true. For some ungodly reason, the running path where I used to live was directly alongside a duck pond. Only I don't know why it was called a duck pond because it was heavily packed with geese. Never have I been more harassed and subsequently terrified...and I've been blocked form my house by pit bulls before. Geese will Eff-U-up just for looking at them, let alone trying to do interval work in their vicinity.

DynamiteSlamtastic said...

I'm oddly relieved to discover that so many people have had HORRIFIC experiences with geese. Once, back in college, I was walking home from class down an extremely busy road, minding my own business, when I noticed a pack of geese ahead and just off the sidewalk. I was, at the time, completely unaware of the nightmarish fury geese are capable of. I assumed I would just walk by unnoticed, but once I got within about 5 feet of them, they all immediately and simultaneously cast their steely eyed gaze upon me. It caught me off guard and, in my confusion, I made the terrible mistake of pausing. This gave them exactly enough time to outstretch their wings and form an inescapable WALL OF GEESE. They began hissing and rushed at me, effectively forcing me into the street where cars were whizzing by at dizzying speeds. I had to run out into the street to give myself enough space to get around them and run for my life. I wish I was kidding, or that I was exaggerating ANY of this, but it's all true and it haunts me to this day :-(

Chairboy said...

Awesome story. My kids and I had a goose encounter as well, you may find it mildly amusing:

http://alphahole.net/?p=188

Members Only Last Member said...

It soOOOoo easy to deal with aggressive geese. Grab them by the throat.

Well, its not that easy. You must do it while the other geese are watching.

Once you have an audience, then grab one by the throat and torque that little squeak box.

You must not show fear. If you do it right, the other geese will respect you and you'll have knocked one down a peg or two.

Rae said...

When I was in preschool, my class went on a field trip to a goose farm. I must have touched a goose feather at some point, because I then contracted a deadly virus called (I am not lying) Kawasaki's Syndrome. I had a 104-degree fever, spent a week in the hospital, all my skin started peeling (because my raised body heat was actually causing my skin to, like, sunburn itself), and I had to have EKGs every month for years afterwards to make sure I hadn't developed a cardiac problem.

Geese are fucking -dangerous-.

Anonymous said...

This is probably the least relevant comment someone could make, but it looks like a Swan Goose: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swan_Goose and was probably domesticated. (Badly.)

Cindy said...

This goose is from Canada. I can tell.

J said...

I, too, was once attacked by Geese as well. Only it was in the gangsta area of So Cal (south of L.A.). They were freaky, those geese. Tried to undo my halter top.

And I swear one flipped me the bird.

Boigan said...

When I read this and watched the great video, I had to cup my hand over my mouth and press hard as if trying to suffocate myself to keep from laughing out loud at the office! With my hand there I just kind of snorted and probably sounded like I was choking and dying.

I think you should warn that all of your posts are NSFW, otherwise people will get fired for too much laughing. Well, heh, that and the fact that I spend half my work day reading your old posts...

Chocolatesa said...

You totally should have wrung it's neck and cooked it!!! Goose is delicious.

Lol @ previous comment. Yeah our geese KICK ASS!!!

AlsoAllie said...

I fucking hate geese. I love Jurassic park though. I guess I feel indifferent about the dinosaur-goose?

Allen said...

Now that's a funny story, and it reminds me of a recent visit of my ladyfriend's son and girlfriend who are about your age.

I have a second home way up in the Sierra Nevada mountains. I also have a rather large black bear for a neighbor. I don't know why but that damn bear likes to get in the back of my truck, but that's a separate issue.

So, the son and his girlfriend were visiting us in the mountains one long weekend, and we were all on the deck. They heard some rustling and snuffling and general disturbance down in the forest. When asked about it I replied, "it's the bear that lives around here." They stayed out on the deck while we went back inside. About 10 minutes later they came running inside, breathless, wide eyed, and shouting, "the bear is on the deck!"

I glanced out the window and sure enough he was wandering around the deck. At this point the bear started rubbing against the wall and making grunting noises. The kids are shaking and crying, "He's going to get in, do something!" I was considering a little bear humor to lighten the atmosphere, but I don't think they would have taken it well.

At any rate I shooed the bear off the deck with my handy dandy starter's pistol. I decided not to tell them about the mountain lion.

jamie muffin said...

You have instilled a HUGE fear of geese deep inside of me that I don't think will ever go away. Here is a short story that will help you understand.

I live in an apartment building, and my apartment is on the lowest floor. Most people would call it 'the shitty basement apartment.' The windows in my apartment are at approximately ground level. Since the weather has gotten nicer and it's been warmer, we've been leaving our bedroom window open for the past few nights.
The other night, my boyfriend and I could hear a wild razorbeaked goose-devil machine evil scary monster outside my building, and I thought I was going to die. I legitimately thought the goose was going to walk through my window, fall a short distance to my floor, and proceed to hop up onto my bed to deliver my death sentence. I started crying and my boyfriend had NO idea why I was so terrified. I had to explain to him that I'm following this blogger named Allie, and she has a post about a goose invading her home and personal space and almost murdering her in cold blood. He then proceeded to laugh at me and tell me that geese are harmless. He is wrong. We both know that he is wrong.

I just thought I would share with you my terrible goose story. And also, I'd like to thank you for the posts. They give me something to do while I'm bored at work surfing the internet (which you have won).

Lish said...

A good friend turned me on to your blog the other day ("A better pain rating scale"). He truly is a 'good' friend for having done this. Wicked funny shit.

Your goose-capades caught my eye; a girl I work with was chased by a goose at work just last week. It actually chased her across the back parking lot and in the door. I thought she could share in your pain/laugh at your plight, having experienced something similar, so I sent her a link. Hopefully she'll enjoy it as much as I have.

blumenthalthomas said...

Once i was able to stop crying from laughter and compose myself, i remembered one time me and my sister had a run-in with geese. Our town house had a fenced in back yard that was at the top of an incline and at the bottom about 50 feet away was a lake. Full of geese. Not like yours. That bitch takes the cake. But still not pleasant geese that you want to invite to tea. Somehow me and my sister got it into our heads that we were going to lure the geese into out back yard. So we grab the 2 loaves of bread from the kitchen and we drop pieces from the edge of the lake up the hill, into out back yard, across the yard, right to the back door. At that point, we weren't sure what to do and their were about 20 angry geese who expected more bread walking towards us and making that sound that geese make so we ran into the house, taking the bread with us, and of course not shutting the door. So these geese are in my mom's room which is what was on the other side of the door, and they were trying to eat the things in her room because we had basically promised them bread and in their minds it was time to take revenge. So they were tearing the stuffing out of pillows and shitting EVERYWHERE and still making that noise. ME and my sister went upstairs into the kitchen, put back what was left of the bread, and sat down at the table and pretended like nothing had happened. My mom walks in the front door, hears the squeals, and stares at us. Just stares. So we stared back at her. It felt like we were staring at each other for a week, but it was probably only like 3 seconds. So she walks downstairs, and does one of those Wilhelm Screams, runs upstairs, and grabs a broom and an oven mitt. Then she realized that was probably the worst idea ever, so she got on the phone and called her boyfriend. He called some friends, and they all came over and led the geese back down with bread. Why that didn't occur to us I really don't know. All the geese were gone in less than an hour. The aftermath looked like a war zone, and we were deemed responsible which meant that we got to clean up the mess. I really wish we had taken a picture. FUCK GEESE.

danielleesme said...

I got bit by a Canadian Goose when I was on a field trip in kindergarten.

Seriously. 20 years later-- still effing afraid of geese. And birds really. I have this fear that they will peck my eyes out. Just sayin.

Lindsey said...

This post literally made my day...I've had a shitty day at work and out of boredom found your blog. After gathering sage advice about the nature of nahdles and the danger of bears, I read this post - I have never laughed so much at anything ever in the world (possible hyperbole there). The customers now think I'm a little insane because I'm laughing to myself in a corner, and this is also helping to stop them asking me moronic questions. And so I salute you.

Amber said...

Yes! It's about time someone got the word out about geese! They are EVIL.

You should see the ones that live on Town Lake here in Austin. Their beaks are all misshapen and look like they have tumors in them. It's disgusting! And there's a swimming hole right by where they swim and they stand by the fence and terrorize all the babies who walk up to look at them. One time I was dangling my feet off the end of the dock and they were swimming below and they started grabbing the cuffs of my jeans with their beaks and pulling hard.

Moral of the story: I like your blog.

the witch's bwew said...

You know the interesting thing is that what the guy said in Jurassic Park is true - all birds evolved from dinosaurs (I asked a real paleontologist and he explained the whole evolutionary timeline). Velociraptors were basically just early giant featherless birds, and bird behaviors evolved from those of the highly social, predatory "raptors" (which incidentally means "bird"). So in conclusion, you are not only justified but biologically accurate in calling your goose attacker a dinosaur.

stiobhan said...

Hello -- I've been lurking here for a few weeks.

Geese are mean and scary -- swans, too -- but man, what a hilarious story!

Once, as a third-grader walking home from school, I was chased through the streets by a woodchuck. It turned out to be somebody's pet that had gotten loose, and I was probably never in any real danger, but all my eight-year-old self saw was a giant galloping rat-thing with huge incisors hell-bent on running me to ground.

Daio said...

Okay I lied to you...NOW I have never laughed so hard reading a blog. My roommate was sideways on the couch laughing even as I was bending over my laptop, futilely attempting to keep my stomach from exploding. Once again Thank You Ally.

Sari said...

My fiancee made me read this to her tonight. I laughed so much that I cried. And then threw up. Twice.

Madison said...

Oh dear jesus...I have encountered this exact type of goose before. With the fucked up lump in its head. I was being a good child once and volunteering at a farm in my town, feeding the little animals. With a horrifying pig the size of my sofa (with tusks, too!) in that place, I hadn't even given the goose a single thought. Then when I went to give it its lettuce or cabbage or whatever they were feeding it, it chased me down, honking, and tried to kill me. Even after I threw its vegetables at it. To top it off, it had the same name as me. It was like it was mocking me. Congratulations on trapping the beast...

Anonymous said...

As scared as I am of the (evil) rain doves that (intentionally, I'm sure)"fall" (fling themselves) down the chimney, I just can't IMAGINE how terrified I'd be of a raptor-goose LOOSE in the house!!! Total EEEKKK factor!

MizGreenJeans said...

I live on a farm, and we've had geese. You're right, they're evil. However, should you ever be attacked by one again, grab then right around the base of their skull with one hand, and at the juncture of a wing and their body with another. Be aware they can still flog you, but not bite that way.

I feel for you. And I literally laughed out loud. And fwiw, not a wild goose, likely an African male, have no idea how it would have wound up in an urban/suburban neighborhood unless someone who breeds them for exhibition lost one out of his truck somewhow...

amanda said...

I was reading through your archives and when I read this it must have been fate. This is the conversation I had with my husband yesterday:

Me: “Ha ha there’s a flock of geese crossing the road over there.”

Him: “Did you say FLOCK?”

Me: “Yes, flock.”

Him: “I thought for a second you said ‘fuck.’ “

Him: “You know as mean as geese are it SHOULD be ‘a fuck of geese.’”

Him: “Ah fuck! It’s a fuck of geese!”

Him: [pretend pointing] “Hey look, there goes a flying fuck!”

Me: [laughter]

Anonymous said...

I've been attacked by geese. TWICE.

Lisa said...

Bump! I just started following your blog. You're brilliant.

And I was chased by a flock of scary geese as a child. Your well-drawn cartoon is no joke. They will fuck you up.

Lisa said...

Bump! I just started following your blog. You're brilliant.

I was chased by a flock of scary geese as a child. Your well-drawn cartoon is no joke. They will fuck you up.

catlst said...

Great post. Wish I could see the video right now-silly phone. Just glad the gf. didn't read this before I took her to feed some geese a few weeks ago. It was pretty freaky when this horde of thirty geese came over the hillside en mass like an invading army. It all went pretty well except when they got to close to her sandaled feet. Told her to throw her bread further away from herself and I really didn't mean for my bread to land so close to her. Will have to send you some pics of us surrounded by geese next time I am on the computer.

Kate said...

This is hilarious. I think it's a Chinese goose. They're notoriously fierce and smart, so people sometimes use them as guard geese (no, really!)

corynne said...

im sorry that hapend to you but man that was funny i live near a duck pond and yeah gease are pretty scary ive taken my boyfreind there and he'd never seen one before hes pretty scared of them to and i wish i could have been there to help you i own some birds so im not to affraid of birds anymore and i saved my cousin from a duck once so i would have been happy to help you and also that video was soo funny