Why I Don't Use a Radio Alarm Clock





Because waking up to "Mambo Number Five" by Lou Bega feels like being stabbed in the face with music.

UPDATE: Just because I feel that listening to "Mambo Number Five" by Lou Bega is like being bludgeoned repeatedly with the worst part of every song ever and it's even worse because it gets stuck in your head for six months and pretty soon you are on your knees clawing at your face, yelling "GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!" until you seriously start to consider fishing it out of your brain with a meat hook, doesn't mean that everyone feels that way.

Alert reader, Kiley, said she likes Lou Bega and I was like "WHAT???" but then I realized that he probably didn't reach the top of the charts because he made everyone bleed from the face.  The reality is that some people like Lou Bega.


Curious about this phenomenon, I asked Kiley what she likes about him and she replied that his music makes her feel like dancing.

This made me realize that that is exactly why I don't like "Mambo Number Five" by Lou Bega.   It's like Lou Bega is standing right there, prodding you and yelling "HEY!  GET UP AND DANCE!! DANCE BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING FUN! FUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUN!!!! PARTY TIME!!!"

And then I'm like "No Lou Bega, not party time..."

And Lou Bega is like "YES PARTY TIME!!! PARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTY!!!!!"

And I'm like "SHUT UP LOU BEGA!  IT'S 5:00 AM!!"

And Lou Bega's all "FUNPARTYFUNPARTYPARTFUNFUNFUNPARTYPARTYFUN!!!!"

It's like being raped with fun.

And that's why I don't like "Mambo Number Five" by Lou Bega.

45 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Can I borrow your teeth? I'm out of mini marshmallows for my cocoa. LOLOLOLOL!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Ehem.

You're a ood artist.

Allie said...

Becky - "g" still broken, huh? One time I broke the "i" key on my keyboard because I dripped chocolate sauce on it. It wasn't my proudest moment. I had to refer to myself in the third person for a week, and even then, I couldn't call myself by my real name. I was like "Alle feels strongly about that... wanna fght about t?"

Kiley said...

too bad i love that song. :D

Allie said...

Kiley - How? I don't understand...

It's like the worst part of every song ever combined into one song that gets stuck in your head for six months and pretty soon you're on your knees clawing at your face yelling "GET IT OUT!! GET IT OUT!!!" And that's when you know that you hate Lou Bega.

We can still be friends though.

timtimtim said...

Dear. Lord.

I feel like if I don't comment. something bad will happen to me...

Kiley said...

it doesn't make you want to just get up and danceee?!?
probably not, there's too much face clawing going on for dancing.

Allie said...

timtimtim - Like maybe I'll eat your firstborn child with my mini-marshmallow teeth? Because that is correct. You very nearly avoided disaster.

Jay Ferris said...

It's funny how one person's dislike can become another person's great idea for enacting revenge on someone they want to bleed from the face (don't worry -- it's not you this time).

CherBearBlue said...

I think your chameleon-like buggy eyes are your best feature. Do they move around independently of each other?

Amber said...

Now the song is stuck in my head and I already want to cry. Thanks :P

P.S. Why do guys get to sing about being whores and yet girl-whores are all taboo? We should get equal treatment in the whore department, don't you think?

Ellie said...

let's write a song about guy-whores.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

I'm pretty sure you should be getting these cartoons published somewhere.

Also, Playboy pays their cartoonists a lot, so ... think about it.

Sarah P said...

My husband's no-fail, 100% awesome cure to any annoying song stuck in your head:

Sing to yourself the Hawaii Five-O theme song. Go ahead.

I recommend using "Denh" as the syllable in the melody, but do what feels right.

sarah said...

i could not agree more. by the way, you are hilarious and i can't wait to read more! i actually came across your blog because someone recommended you in a thread on 20-somethingbloggers, soooo that means you're famous, right? hooray! (clearly, i read ahead a few posts)

Megs said...

I hate everything and everyone at 5a.m. I would want to murder Lou Bega with his own instrument if that were the first thing I heard in the morning.

JustLinda said...

First I was laughing at you. I mean, WITH you. And then I had to laugh at what Jay said. And I don't even KNOW Jay. Then I wasn't sure WHO to laugh at. I mean, with.

Your blog... it's like being raped with laughter. hahahah

Homemaker Man said...

I LOVE the shards of music lacerating your skin. Great.

Just.Kate said...

I'M TRYING TO STUDY AND NOW MAMBO NUMBER FIVE IS STUCK IN MY HEAD.

Study *and* read Blogger, yes.

It's an online English class. As far as I'm concerned, they're practically the same thing.

*STAB STAB STAB*

Coopie said...

I can think of one thing that would make this scenario worse for you, Allie.....imagine, if you will (or don't, it's probably for the best if you don't), that Lou friggin Bega wrote a song using mostly ALLITERATION. :-|

NOT COOL LOU. NOT COOL.

Mary said...

I had a camp counselor one summer that woke us up with the same Gorillaz song every. damn. morning. I know exactly the feeling you have illustrated here. Music alarms are the worst idea, ever.

bernthis said...

now, of course, I love it b/c he actually uses my name. How sad is that?

dogimo said...

Come on admit it: if Lou had slipped in a little "A LITTLE BIT OF ALLIE IS THE BEST...SHE HAS THE BEST BLOG ON THE INTERNETS"

...I bet then you'd be all primed and waiting for Mambo #6. You'd be like, Lou Bega, send me a signed greatest hits would you please??

Come on. Admit it.

Allie said...

Jay - Oh good. I've had enough face-bleeding for one day.

Cheryl - Oh yes. I have full eye-mobility.

Amber - If it makes you feel any better, I think Lou Bega is a whore.

Ellie - Yeah! Let's call it "I want to punch Lou Bega in his dirty whore mouth."

Veronica - Playboy cartoonist? That is an awesome career idea! Then I can be like "yeah, I was in Playboy... no big deal."

Sarah P - It worked! But only until I walked into the grocery store and got blasted in the face by Shania Twain's "Honey I'm Home." Nothing will get that one out. Nothing.

sarah - Well, I'm famous-er than I was a few months ago, but I want to be famous enough to wipe my ass with Bill Gates. I think I may be confusing fame with wealth, but my statements stand.

Megs - Exactly. Waking up to Lou Bega is worse than being woken up by the Burger King.

Linda - Well, that is one kind of rape that is at least a little bit fun.

Homemaker Man - I couldn't think of how else to visually demonstrate what listening to Lou Bega is like, then I was like "glass shards! In the face!"

Kate - I could never have studied with Mambo No. 5 stuck in my head... I would have just given up. Stupid Lou Bega.

Coopie - SSSHHHHHHH!!! Lou Bega might hear you! That's exactly the kind of thing he would do, given half a chance.

Mary - The only thing that might be worse is this one alarm clock my friend had that was just psychotic bird noises. It was supposed to be relaxing, but really it just sounded like you were being attacked by rabid seagulls.

bernthis - It's okay. I like "The Final Countdown" and they don't even say my name in that song.

Joe - Yes. But only because I'm a fame-whore. I'd still secretly hate Lou Bega. And I may use the opportunity to try to murder him in his sleep. After using him for fame, of course.

Ed Adams said...

I am amazed at how well you captured your true likeness.

Very realistic.

Cheryl said...

jump up and down and move it all around
shake your head to the sound put your hands on the ground
take one step left and one step right
one to the front and one to the side.
clap your hands once and clap your hands twice

and if you look like a fucking idiot then you're doing it right.

Kurt said...

This was like reading about an epic struggle between good and evil and you are "good" and being raped by music is "evil" but then I started to think maybe I don't need to think in such black and white terms and maybe you were "evil" and dancing was "good" and then I had a doughnut.

Case closed.

Ben said...

I had his album.

The whole thing.

"She was tricky tricky..."

"So pretty pretty"

Or something like that.

Amy said...

I think the worst song to wake up to would be the Pina Colada song. I hate that song. If I could go back in time and kill whoever wrote that song, I'd do it just so I never had to hear it again. Ok... so I just checked to make sure it wouldn't be anyone I'd miss. And it was someone named Rupert Holmes. Which is good because I was worried it was Jimmy Buffett because he did sing it and I'd hate to miss out on Margaritaville just to fulfill my desire to never hear the Pina Colada song. But no worries!!! So yeah, I'd totally go back in time and kill that guy.

Hovito89 said...

I couldn't agree more.. I hate waking up to "fun music" in the morning.. However I do have to say.. It isn't too bad reading your blog every morning.. It's actually become quite addictive.. I'm hoping this is just a coincidence & there's no conspiracy going on... Knowing You... :)

inflammatory writ said...

Ahahaha I have fond memories of that song, but I never EVER would want that song to be the first thing I heard when I woke up in the morning.

When I was in high school, for some reason, nearly every morning I'd get ear raped with that horrible "Butterfly Kisses" song. *shudder*

Chl said...

My husband loved that song when it first came out and against my better judgement I bought him the CD. We drove to Vegas that Thanksgiving from Kansas City with his parents. During that 24 hour car ride my father-in-law listened to that CD no less than 10 times. I actually threatened to toss it out of the car somewhere in Arizona.

Ireland said...

I completely understand your pain.

my best friend's favorite singer is the one I would like to kill by throwing some glass shards in HER face for a change >:\ I really hate that singer....*cough*lady gaga*cough*

and at least 3 times a day he tortures me by singing along or humming her songs.

If I woke up to THAT every morning, I pretty sure I would light my clock radio on fire and smash it with a sledghammer.....

kate said...

Aaand, thank you. I will now have Mambo #5 stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

Wynn said...

Totally with you on this one. I HATE that song, and it never goes away. Just keeps popping up everyhwere. What about the good songs from that time? Like.. Now I can't remember any of them but I'm SURE there are songs that are being ignored just so that friggin abomination of a song can be played.

rebecca said...

i have had so many songs ruined for me because i used them to wake up to. i always think that i should put a song i like to wake me up in the morning coz then it will put me in a good mood in the morning and then it normally works for the forst day but after that i start hating the song more and more. nothing can put me in a good mood when ive been woken up by my bloody alarm clock however good the song is.

so finally now ive realised that im in just as much of a bad mood if i put on a horrible song, so yeah i also use a song i dont like to wake me up in the morning! x

mepsipax said...

I fucking hate songs like that. But I love the way they drive you crazy.
I'm blue (da ba dee...)
I'm blue (da ba dee...)

Fuck I hated that song. Fucking computer is still broken but I find time for you Allie. Am I scaring you yet? Fuck... Why not?

winsomelily said...

I just went to write in lyrics to another annoyingly catchy song with which to thank you for putting this one into mine, but I CAN'T THINK OF ANY. All I can think of is @#$@#$ LOU BEGA.

I think I need to get out more.

Kiley said...

LOL I love it.

BUT WAIT. I like the song! Not Lou Bega. Or maybe I would? But I've never heard anything else by him. :(

And then again, if I were to be startled from a pleasant, dream-filled slumber by Lou Bega...we may be having an entirely different conversation.

My BIGGEST question is: What radio station is waking you up playing Mambo Number Five in 2010!?!?!?

Sharon Needles said...

Yanno what song makes me friggin' insane? "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel. AAAUUGHHH! It makes me want to put a glass rod in his penis and whack it with a mallet for writing and performing that song!

And anything by Bryan Adams. Douchebag.

(Him, not you, Allie.)

Crystal Ball said...

So get this: I was crying- yes, literally crying and I was still blogging for some reason. I come across your blog and then begin reading this post and I start to chuckle. All the while tears are in my eyes and I still feel like shit but I chuckle again. And again. Until I finally wipe the tears from my eyes and enjoy the post to the very last word.
You are hilarious! Thank you for that.

Maggie said...

I just finished my blog post and was like I DID SUCH A GOOD JOB! and then I read yours and got upset because it was funnier than mine, so I've decided to kill you. (= Have a great day!









It will be your last!

I'm just kidding. I love your blog and someday mine WILL BE BETTER!

zachary said...

Greetings from Malaysia!
Found your blog from sassy and followed right away. You're super funny i'm beginning to feel i have funny bones all over my body reading your article lol..
keep up the good work:)

Chocolatesa said...

ROFLMAO!!! This is SOOOO TRUEEEE for me too!!!! I feel the exact same way about energetic music first thing in the morning. My dad used to do that to me when I was a kid, walk into my room and turn on the radio and then I'd yell at him to come turn it off until he did because I was so mad I refused to get out of bed to turn it off myself. I'll never do that to my kids. And I hate earworms too. I just put my cellphone on vibrate and set the alarm and put it on something soft so the sound of it rattling on the desktop doesn't wake me up with my heart racing.

clio44 said...

your update comments reminded me of a comic strip I came across the other day..... also thanks to reddit (which was how I was introduced to you.. I think.. my days have been weird lately.. what's my name? why am I covered in packing peanuts?)

I hope you've seen it, but if you haven't, get Your Wackiness over to http://nedroid.com/2009/05/party-cat-full-series/ and enjoy.

P.S. You write like I think. and I'm pretty sure when you stalk me you'll find out I'm your twin, but the one that got shipped to Canada.

Angela said...

I'm not sure if you go back to your older posts to read the comments but I just now saw this post and it happened at a bad time lol ... well, a bad-for-my-sanity time. Every now and then late at night I lose my mind for a few minutes. I'll be watching tv or surfing the web and I will come across something that triggers the laughing part of my brain and flips it into hyperdrive and suddenly I'll start laughing hysterically at something that is funny but shouldn't be funny enough to make me cry, but I do end up crying like crazy and I can't stop laughing... and then it ends... that is what occured when I saw this post. And every time it happens my boyfriend looks at me like I'm crazy and makes me feel dumb. But I'm kind of happy that it happens cause I get to have a good laugh. lol Thank you.