Somehow I Ended Up Fighting Zombies...

I was searching through my unpublished entries for something to post today and I found this and added some illustrations.  I wrote it way back at the beginning of September when Boyfriend and I first moved to Hamilton.

Boyfriend was being all whiny yesterday about how we never do real-person things like hang out with friends or wake up when it's still morning or eat at the Olive Garden.  I was like "I hate pasta and we don't have any friends here yet... but we can wake up early if you want."

Boyfriend: "What time should we get up?"

Me:  "I don't know.  What time do successful people wake up?"

Boyfriend:  "Probably around seven?"

Me:  "Then we're getting up at 6:40."

It might have worked out better for me if I didn't get so damn excited about nothing at night.  When most people are getting ready for bed, I'm sitting on my couch, vibrating with pent-up energy.  I have no idea what I get so excited about, but whatever it is, it's really, really, really exciting!


This problem is especially acute when I know that I have to wake up early.   Whenever I have to wake up early, I feel like I'm getting ready to embark on a dangerous adventure.  I imagine that this is the same feeling you would get if you were trying to fall asleep the night before your first summit of Mt. Everest.  Like you're either going to die or accomplish something amazing.

I try to talk myself down from this hyper-excited state, but it usually only exacerbates the problem.  I say to myself "Go to sleep.  There is absolutely nothing exciting happening tomorrow.  You are probably just going to wake up, crawl downstairs and fall asleep on the couch." But then I feel like I'm trying to trick myself.  I think "This is probably just a cover-up for what's really going to happen tomorrow morning... I'm probably going to die.  Or win a million dollars!"


Around three or four o'clock, I will usually have exhausted my body's stores of adrenaline and I'll fall asleep instantly.  This is when I start having crazy dreams.  For some unknown reason, my crazy dreams usually start in an empty parking garage.  The parking garage has little or nothing to do with the rest of the dream, but it's always there, like a portal to crazyland, signaling that the rest of the night is going to be full of flying and running and falling and spaceship crashes and Boyfriend is probably going to cheat on me with a robot and then pretend that it didn't happen even though I know it did because he has a glowing green spot on his face since apparently that's what happens when you sleep with robots and then I try to punch him in the face, but my hands are spindly and weak and it turns out that Boyfriend is actually a shapeshifter because suddenly he's a bear and instead of arguing about how he slept with a robot, I'm running away and trying to find Santa Claus because that's the only way to survive a bear attack but it doesn't matter anyway because now I have to fight a gila monster.  And suddenly there's salsa music.  I get absurdly angry at the music.  It feels like it has been playing for hours and I am so sick of it that by the time I wake up and realize that it's actually my alarm clock, I'm ready to fight an army of orcs with my bare hands.  My face and pillow are plastered with saliva.  My eyes are almost swollen shut because I was sleeping on my face.  I'm disoriented and angry.  



Obviously this is not the part I was excited about.   Actually, I don't even remember what that part was.  At that point, all I know is that I'll never be excited about anything again because everything is stupid.  My alarm clock is stupid, my pillow is stupid, the sun is stupid, feelings are stupid, grass is stupid, Oprah is stupid, bricks are stupid, birds are stupid - everything is stupid and I hate it.  

This feeling usually subsides a little once I get coffee, but on this particular morning, I did not get coffee because Boyfriend was like "Do you want to go for a run?"

Me:  "Running is stupid." 

Boyfriend: "You don't really think running is stupid."

Me:  "Right now I do."  

Boyfriend:  "Okay, well I'm going."

Me: "Wait!  FINE.  I'll go."  

Boyfriend:  "Okay, put on your shoes." 

Me:  "I'll put on your face."

Boyfriend:  "That doesn't make sense."

Me:  "You don't make sense."  

And then we started talking about Face-Off.  

Okay.  I now understand why I didn't publish this before.  There's no real ending to it.  I must have realized this when I wrote it, but for some reason I forgot.  I thought "Oh, I'll just draw some pictures, edit a few details and write a nice little closing paragraph!" But I was wrong.  It's not that simple. 

I can't just be like "And then we went running and it really sucked and I yelled at some cows just because they were there.  The End."  So I'm going to make up an ending. 

After we finished talking about Face-Off, Boyfriend and I headed out the door to go for our run.  That's when we noticed the zombies.  There was an entire herd of zombies in our yard!  We were like "Go away, zombies!"  But the zombies were like "NO!" so we had to fight them.  Boyfriend went inside and got his assault rifle and I just started punching.  And then Boyfriend was like "Get out of the way!" And I dove to the side and he started mowing down zombies and our neighbors didn't even care because they were dead.  

Anyway, fighting zombies turned out to be really easy because zombies are slow and stupid and Boyfriend and I are fast and smart.  We just shot their knees out and then kicked their heads in.  It was really violent.  




Anyway, we killed all the zombies and then went for a run and it sucked and I yelled at cows just because they were there.   

P.S.  I don't know if there is a proper name for a group of zombies, so I just called them a "herd of zombies."  But it's probably actually something like a "flight of zombies" or a "kindle of zombies" or a "bantam of zombies" or something.  It's almost definitely a bantam of zombies.  

UPDATE:  I'm officially putting my support behind "zeppelin of zombies" submitted by Going Like 60,  even though I hate alliteration.  "A zeppelin of zombies" just sounds so natural, especially since I used to get Led Zeppelin and Rob Zombie mixed up.  I know.  There is nothing even remotely similar or confusing about those two names aside from the tenuous connection between three letter first names and last names starting with Z.  I probably shouldn't even admit it publicly, but I just did.  I confuse Led Zeppelin and Rob Zombie and that's why I'm supporting the term "a zeppelin of zombies."  At the very least, getting that term officially recognized would lend some credibility to my confusion, even if only retroactively.  

Since there is no official name for a group of zombies yet (though a few have been suggested) I propose that we act to get the phrase "a zeppelin of zombies"officially recognized.  

UPDATE:  Shit.  "Legion of zombies" has also been suggested and now I don't know which one to choose.  Thanks Maggie... way to make something that used to be totally simple not simple anymore.  This may have to be settled with a poll.  

55 comments:

Sarah said...

Hey! I'm in Ohio and bored! Thanks for posting!

Allie said...

Sarah - Hey, you're welcome. How is Ohio?

Sarah said...

Oh and I like the waking up drawing. It's a pretty accurate depiction.

Sarah said...

Ohio is cold and boring. My grandparents are kind of fun to hang out with, but my grandpa's pretty much limited to the house, so i watch tv and read and talk to my grandma and try not to take the lord's name in vain on accident. I ran 8 miles yesterday! With the wind it was probably 10 degrees out.

Allie said...

8 miles? How's your knee? We should probably take this to email... :)

Tony said...

Oh my goodness...you just called Oprah stupid. If I were you, I'd watch my back, because Oprah has people everywhere. But then, Boyfriend has an assault rifle, and you have zombie killing skills, so that would be a pretty even match. You have a better advantage, actually. But seriously...watch your back. Oprah is like a modern day Jesus.

Amanda said...

I do that pretty much every night, too. Even when I know there's nothing to get excited about, because the only thing to wake up for is "Philosophical Perspectives" which I find especially stupid after like 2.3 hours of sleep. Zombies would be a welcome distraction from philosophy.

Matthew J Bevis said...

I'd hate to live in your neighborhood ... for any number of reasons. Primarily because of the infestation of zombie bantams, but also because of the psycho chick who lives there, eats too many sugary foods during the day, stays up until three or four in the morning, and keeps everyone else awake by screaming into her pillow: "You were SO cheating on me with a robot! Look at the green spot on your face!! Take THAT! Ahh! A bear! Help! Help me! Santa H. Claus, help meeeeeeeee!"

(I also imagine it to be a high-rent area.)

Jon said...

I've always used the term "horde" for zombies... Not sure if it's accurate, but it sounds right.
And I'm sure the cows deserved what they got.

Angela said...

I like the term "murder" of zombies.

And to properly prepare for the zombie apocalypse, I'd invest in some kind of ninja sword if I were you. Like a katana...or a wakazashi. Or both.

Sarah P said...

^^Yep. What she said. Go with "murder" of zombies.^^

It fits zombies, because they're very murderous.

Ellie said...

I thought Oprah WAS a zombie. Or a vampire. Seriously.

miss. chief said...

hahaha "the zombies were like "NO""

good one.

I get that not-sleepy excited thing the day before I am about to take an airplane somewhere. Every. Single. Time.

So of course the next day when I need to be all strong and ready to face standing in lineups for a hundred years and sitting really close to strangers for hours and arriving somewhere scary like ANOTHER AIRPORT AAAH I'm tired and grumpy.

I don't think I've ever been in a good mood at an airport.

Oh,except the time I stayed in a hotel inside an airport and then the next morning I hung out there all day and because it was the Mexico City airport it was the size of like 85 regular airports and there was so much to do there! WEEEEEEEEEE!

P.S. Today I got up at 4:30am to do some work and it's now 5:59 and I've done nothing.

AMBELLINA said...

I love your blog. I voted for you (and I even signed up for a whole other internet thingy to do it and everything.) ♥

Ben said...

I'm so glad today is the day I posted your desperate plea for a link. You will not disappoint.

ShineForLife said...

Love the flying kick. :)

Ed Adams said...

I'm pretty sure it's "morgue of Zombies"

Vicki said...

This post was worth it for the pictures and the phrase "bantam of zombies."

Salt said...

Thank goodness they were the slow moving variety of zombies and not the kind from the Dawn of the Dead remake that can run super fast. I HATE that kind.

I have the exact same excitement problem late at night which causes me to not be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, so I totally feel your pain.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

'nother winner.
If you have stuff like this lingering in your drafts, shut up.

Since I Love Alliteration:
Zaftig of Zombies
Zamboini of Zombies
Zeppelin of Zombies
Zonk of Zombies

Amanda West said...

Loved the ending!

Can you now put that on your resume?

"Master Zombie Assassinator."

Nikole said...

Your pictures make me so happy; especially ones that include blood, zombies, and roundhouse kicks to the face. That is probably the single best picture I have ever seen in my life. It gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling inside. You know, like when you were little and stayed the night at your grandma's house and she put your towel in the dryer so it was warm when you got out of the bath? No? Well, then your grandma was a bitch.

P.S. Appologize to your grandma for me; I don't really think she's a bitch. (Unless she really is a bitch. In which case you should definitely show that selfish bitch what's up with a well placed kick to the head).

P.P.S. Matthew J. Bevis: I am in love with the fact that you said Santa H. Claus..that also gives me the warm and fuzzies.

Shana said...

That sounds a lot like the kind of dreams I have. Doesn't it suck? I wake up all axious and not at all well rested. Damn alien dreams!

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

That's about how I look and feel in the morning. I'm always up all night, and then I either have really crazy dreams or dream absolutely nothing, but either way it leaves me completely exhausted. Right now I'm wondering why it is necessary to be at work rather than at home sleeping. Grr.

linlah said...

I find that if I turn my alarm clock away from my face and hide my pink slippers under the bed my hyper-excited state calms the fuck down.

Rebeccah said...

gaggle.

because zombies are horrifying and sucky and hate-worthy, much like geese.

Morgan said...

What's funny is that as soon as I read "herd of zombies" I thought to myself - that can't be right, I'll have to comment on what it should be.

And then you took care of that in your PS, so now I've got nothing to say. :(

HokieJayBee said...

Zombii. There was a Pack of Zombii in your yard.

LittleOlMe said...

I totally know how you feel. I do this almost every night. Around 8 I begin to build with energy. It climaxes at about 10 or 11 when I begin to run around, and generally annoy everyone in the house. By the time my body is tired, and I'm finished with my tomfoolery, my brain decides to think. This thinking will often be accompanied by laughing, so I hit the sack about 2 or 3.

Maggie said...

If I were you I would try running at night instead of in the morning. You burn off all the energy and, since you HAVE the energy at night, you might as well use it. I always feel overly happy at night and I'm like "I WANT TO EXERCISE! I WANT TO BOX WITH AN ALIEN OR MAYBE PREDATOR!!!!" Also, face off is a really good movie. This is one of the lamest comments on here so I will add that I think that there should have been a legion of zombies in your yard.

Christina In Wonderland said...

I had three zombie dreams last night. No joke...

I think we just called them the horde of the undead. Or maybe Martha... yeah, I think we all just called the zombies chasing us Martha.

Or maybe there was a Martha in the group.

I can't be 100% sure.

Bridget Callahan said...

Did you know that all zombies were originally people who got up way too early, and stressed out their heart by doing things like running for no reason, then when the zombie infestation hit they were all way more susceptible?

True story.

Sada said...

Awww! That was the cutest drool I've ever seen.

Anonymous said...

Allie, I was laughing over today's post, and then I went and read the stuff in your sidebar again, and I was reading your mission statement about how you've never written about pirates or sharks, and I was thinking - why HAVEN'T you written about pirates? I mean, the zombies are great and all, but it just seems like pirates would make awesome writing material. Think about it.

Roja said...

It's a "vexation of zombies".

Allie, you fucking ROCK. I'd try to be funny here but what's the point? The funny is all yours. Thanks for this superior blog.

publicknitting said...

So, I am totally the same way at night. I wish my at night self and my morning self could be friends. Like, go to BED!! You're going to hate life in the morning, but I never do.

Also, I'm sooo disappointed that you didn't go with legion of zombies. SO MUCH more natural than zepplin of zombies. We voted in my office. Geez

Sharon Needles said...

My wife giggles at zombies, which I'm pretty sure is an inappropriate response.

I liked the little slippers next to your bed.

Is Hamilton in Montana?

S said...

Hilarious! Nice drawing too!

mepsipax said...

I fucking love your drawing...can I have one...fuck you...you can't stop me. Also, legion is the way to go...

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Those zombies. They will always try, even when they don't have a chance.

You just PERFECTLY described me trying to get to bed at night!

And, I'm pretty sure it's legion. Sounds legit.

Aasren said...

You need to watch zombie strippers, if you haven't seen it before....or even if you have, watch it again. Who doesn't love the idea that stripper zombies are hotter than just plain stippers??? Oh and like any good zombie movie....EVERYONE DIES IN THE END! Best plot ever!

Ps. Sorry if I ruined it for you. This is why I'm not one of those people that write the summary without giving it all away.

Dennis said...

Hilarious fun! I'm adding you to my blogroll now.

HokieJayBee said...

Irony is ironic sometimes.

I, of a nice natural ability to fall asleep around when I want to at night, couldn't sleep last night. And I laid in bed and thought about stuff.

And I drifted to thinking about your zombie post. I know, a sad sad life I live, reviewing blogs I read at work when I can't sleep at night. But hey, remember, I'm a rookie at this no-sleep-lay-there-think-about-stuff thing.

And then it hit me, it is most definitely a Brood of Zombii. It's Brood. I win.

Then I fell asleep and dreamt that I found a wallet I lost when I was like 8, that had $5 in it. So I got 4 soft tacos at Taco Bell.

dawn said...

I used to have the same problem falling asleep at night. Probably because I have been working nights for 20 -something years and my body thinks it's time to get up even on my nights off...
Anyway, the doc gave me some drugs to help me sleep...
After 3 nights of psychotic dreams, worse than even the WORST Freddie Kreuger movie, where my youngest daughter was killed in front of me and chopeed into pieces and buried in our back yard, I gave up on the drugs and decided not sleeping was just fine.
I'd rather not sleep then wake up thinking my daughter was now planted with the rose bushes...
Say No To Drugs is my motto...
ice cream at bedtime helps... it's been scientifically proven!
Oh, and I think it would be an Army of Zombies... but a Legion would work, especially if they all died from Legionaries Disease and that's how they got to be zombies in the first place.

Jo said...

Legion smegion....Angela used the term zombie apocalypse - I think an 'apocalypse of zombies' sounds just about right!

Chris said...

Vexation of Zombies. Here's the authority (not my chart, but seemingly valid nonetheless).
http://wondermark.com/c/2009-10-30-566nouns.gif

dogimo said...

You're all right, right straight down the line. Those are the official orders of zombie groupings.

5 herds = 1 zeppelin,
2 zeppelins = 1 legion,

and 10 legions in any given place at a time equals 1 apocalypse.

dogimo said...

(unfortunately, the number of zombies in a herd is indeterminate. Experts have been unable to establish a definitive figure because their attempts at counting generally result in being devoured and/or converted. Lesson = KILL! DON'T COUNT!)

ladiesMan said...

I know I'm a little late, but I'm pretty sure a grouping of zombies of 1-10 is a pack and then more than 10 is a horde. But I could be completely wrong.
I mist admit, zombie fighting is like the most ultimate past time.
I applaud you if you continue to take on the hoards of un-dead.

Tinier said...

I may be a little late, but I support either a shrewdness, kaleidoscope, clowder, bevy, bazaar, cackle, pandemonium, squadron, rhumba, or pulchritude of zombies.

Anonymous said...

I believe it's a vexation of zombies

Cone said...

I LOVE the idea of calling them a Legion of Zombies. The day the rise I'll shall add you & your bf to my list of ppl to meet up w/ to wipe out the infected. :)
-Cone

Anonymous said...

How about a hoard of zombies?

Anonymous said...

Long-time reader, first time commenter. Legend is clearly the best. No question.

Anonymous said...

Haha...Led Zeppelin and Rob Zombie! I totally used to get James Earl Jones and Lee Harvey Oswald mixed up. I think its because they both have 3 names.