Hi. I'm the Internet's Leading Expert on Unicorn Stabbings

The keywords people use to find your blog or website on Google are very important to your success on the internet.  According to StatCounter:



I think I'm doing it wrong:



Or maybe I'm doing it exactly right because I've most definitely cornered the niche on "101 Ways to Abort Your Gay-Married, Al-Qaeda-Loving Baby for $39 or Less!"  Good career move, me.

UPDATE:  I emailed Boyfriend at work and I was like "If someone asked you the question 'uterus babies not sticking to?' how would you respond?"

Boyfriend:  "That's not really a question - more like a statement.  Or just a string of random words."

Me:  "But if it was a question, how would you answer it?"

Boyfriend:  "Well, first I would want to get more information.  Are you talking about a fetus or embryo inside a uterus or an actual baby uterus?  Or a baby's uterus?

Me:  "What if it's just a giant uterus that people had to throw babies at and if the babies stick, they win the game or something?"

Boyfriend:  "I don't think that's what they meant."

Me:  "I'm just trying to be prepared, Duncan. I'm supposed to be an expert on stuff like this and I want to  have all my bases covered if that question comes up."

Boyfriend: "So they're trying to figure out how to make the babies more sticky?"

Me:  "I was approaching it from the angle of making the uterus more sticky, but making the babies more sticky would also work.  How do you propose we make the babies stickier?"

Boyfriend:  "How long do they need to be stuck to the giant uterus?"

Me: "About 20 seconds."

Boyfriend: "Wow.  That is really specific."

Me:  "The rules of Baby-Uterus-Wall-Ball are extremely rigid."

Boyfriend:  "You need a job."

Me:  "This is my job.  And you are negatively affecting my career by not cooperating with me on this."

Boyfriend:  "I need to get back to work, Allie."

Me:  "So do I!"

Boyfriend:  "Okay, what about wrapping the babies in velcro?"

Me:  "That could totally work."

Then Boyfriend reminded me that Google tracks all of his emails because he works in a Government lab so I sent him an email that said "furry penis, REDRUM, sphaeterg√łten!"  And Boyfriend was like "WTF?" and I said "I'm trying to throw Google off your trail."  And Boyfriend was all "I don't think it works like that." I honestly don't know how he hasn't been kidnapped by the government yet.

39 comments:

emvandee said...

Your search words make me feel better about mine - I am routinely found by questions about dog rape and crab infestations in the mouth. And I write a food blog.

Next time my husband's grandfather asks why we're not having children, I am going to tell him that I've just started lining my uterus with flypaper. Thank you very much for that!

elpemmy said...

How can you tell if your baby is gay and al-queda loving before it's born? Do they have tests for that? Do they work on already born children? Like, umm, adults? Cause I think I've totally spotted the new anti-terrorist movement... or terrorists could use it to recruit. So many possibilities!

Amy said...

I can't get past the image of a folding penis. What is it? Like portable or something?

Tony said...

I remember when I had dreams/wishes of being able to fold my penis. It just didn't happen. And who Googles "unicorn stabbing puppy with horn?" What a bunch of crazies out there in internet land.

Jay Ferris said...

"Raped by happiness" has now become my official go-to hyperbolic happiness statement. So long "bukkaked with happiness".

Josie said...

The shark thing is pretty perplexing. But let's be honest, I would totally accept a picture of a shark as an apology statement. Nothing says "I'm sorry" like a shark.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Some have argued that penes is the plural of penis. The boy has multiple penii. In which case, isn't it best to fold one away?

If you DID have multiple penii and you folded the extras away, would you fold it over itself, or do it accordian style?

Amy said...

Josie, that's only true if the shark has a British accent.

Dual Mom said...

Your poor boyfriend.....lol (I think I may have left this exact comment on one of your other posts...sorry to repeat myself but it needs to be said)

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a quandary... which is the best hyperbole for happiness: raped by happiness or bukkaked by happiness. Both are so descriptive, both so evocative. I'm sorry Allie but I think I have to go with bukkaked by happiness.

mepsipax said...

At least your search thingy works. Mine shows that nobody searches for me... Ha. Bastards. Anyway, 20 seconds is not that long. We could engineer up a really sticky barnacle glue or something. Hey, it is called brain storming for a reason.

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

love how well our lovers can tolerate us being such a handful =) Duncan sounds hilarious as well

jacquelyn said...

"your poor boyfriend"?! he is BLESSED to receive those emails of yours. If you didn't already have an internet girlfriend (who's blog I also read...) I would be all over that. (in the non-creepiest way possible. I swear!)

Ellie said...

Sigh. All my search terms are boring. Or sex-related.

sarah said...

just stopping by to let you know there's an award with your name on it on my blog! come see and have a great day! xoxo, sarah

flipflopsintherain said...

Maybe they really meant "penes." Apparently, that's the plural form. I always thought it was "penii." Maybe that's why I shouldn't take vocabulary lessons from journalism students.

Emma Cook said...

How do you fold a penis? I'm really confused about that!

CherBearBlue said...

lol. that is all.

sarah said...

man, all the childlike wonder i had over unicorns just got toally sucked dry with that puppy stabbing stat

Maggie said...

Making the uterus sticky would work better, because then you would just have to make IT sticky rather than every baby you throw at it. Therefore I think probably you should use these:

http://www.3m.com/us/office/postit/products/prod_notes_ss.html

Sorcerer said...

Hail the Queen Allie...

I used to read your blog regularly..
ROFLMAO!! on this one

the conversations ..just suprb!!

You rwak
you reign supreme

Amanda said...

I Love Your Blog. Practically every post makes me laugh so hard I blow milk out my nose, even when I'm drinking Diet Coke.

And now you've found the solution to my recurrent miscarriage problem too?! You Are Amazing! Allie, will you help me line my uterus with flypaper? I promise to love you forever!

publicknitting said...

Dude, I totally feel you with the super weird searches. People have been searching "fucking dolls" to find my blog, which is weird enough. But, whatever. And, they search for "can dogs get raped" and "dog raping" a lot, too. The other day someone searched, "dolls fucking" which is super fucked up and weird. Looking for fucking dolls makes you a creep and a weirdo, but DOLLS FUCKING?? Who are these psychos?! (Note: I still am thankful that you psychos have visited me tho, don't get me wrong)

qandlequeen said...

Babies are naturally very sticky. Seriously, pick one up and it's guaranteed to be covered in goo. I'm sure the snot/slobber/creamed-carrot ratio is sufficient to keep any baby GLUED to a uterine wall for a mighty long time. Much longer than 20 seconds, I'm sure. How those little fuckers manage to disengage from the uterus in the first place is the real question.

Ed Adams said...

This post hurts my brain.

In what land do the speak this "Keyword" language?

And why are they sticking babies to giant uterus's there?

However, for proper sticktion, I would suggest peeling the babies first, and then tarring the inside of the uterus with a think tar substance. Then throw REALLY hard.

Barbara said...

Those are the most awesome keywords ever.

Christina In Wonderland said...

This entry= priceless. I am officially in hetero love with you and your blog. I laughed my ass off, and I have a pretty big ass, so that's no small feat. Congratulations. :P

your wishcake. said...

Finding your blog totally made my day. You have no idea.

:)

Analytics are totally ridic and I always get pissed when people spell things horribly wrong or, like the uterus one, they seem to be some random string of words that are hardly coherent. I'd love to see the people who type some of these things in...

Also? You're hilarious. The end.

Just.Kate said...

I don't even know how to check that information about my blog.

"Furry penis" made me laugh and then cringe at the belated mental image.

My son is FREAKING OUT over your blog. He keeps pointing to the pie chart and the emoticon face shouting, "BALL! BALL!"

He's almost two years old. He's also obsessed with his penis. Ba-dum-tssh.

No, really.

Amanda West said...

Ah! I take a little hiatus from the blogging world and come back to find that you have 500 followers?!?! Lol.

Congrats. I swear, you're like famous now.

And still funny as hell, I might add.

omchelsea said...

No-one searches for my blog. True. And traumatising.

Salt said...

Thank you for inspiring me to go look up my own searches. Yours are way better than mine. The only really good one I got was "you know when it's real song wkin up fee". I have no idea what that means.

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

I had to make very interesting faces in order not to laugh out loud in front of my boss while reading this. Especially the email part.

Sometimes I check out my search stats and they're weird, but holy shit they are nowhere as weird as yours! Your readers are freaky. (Wait. Does this mean I am freaky, too?)

Rachel said...

If you line your uterus with flypaper can you just reach in and take it out then if you accidentally get one stuck on it?

Welcome to the IUD of 2009. Flypaper: interception contraception. Way cheaper than the ones you actually have to go to the doctor for, and they are mildly biodegradable.

Tgoette said...

Wow! Well, one thing for sure, I will never, ever accuse my wife of being a whack job ever again. Wow! I loved the post! You one crazy lady!

Cheryl said...

I tried to send an email about penis and rectums the other day to my boyfriend, and China wouldn't allow me to send it. Like, it said "page failed to load" four times! And then I tried to send an email to this girl and I was like "fluffy unicorns" and it went through! But then the girl sent me an email back like, "huh?" and I was like "oh, nothing, I was just doing an experiment with unicorns and male genitalia" and now, she won't talk to me, and I don't even know why.

cook said...

I hurt myself laughing at this, Shame on you!

Cupcake Murphy said...

For some reason, the words "oprah's butt" are the path that lead people to my cozy little blog because one time I had the nerve to write about the Larry Kind episode where he and Sanjay Gupta spent an hour talking about Oprah's big fat butt. Go figure. Also I love your blog. Don't arrest me for saying that.

dizzydelapore said...

I'm coming into this sort of late in the game, but if you never discovered the true meaning of the shark one, i think it's related to this: http://www.27bslash6.com/grubby.html

I hope this was helpful and didn't come off as presumptuous.

...just wanted to help...