The Awkward Situation Survival Guide



Awkward silence

You are talking to an acquaintance or having dinner with your coworkers.  The conversation suddenly comes to a crossroads and no one knows where to steer it.  The silence has extended past the 6-second mark and the awkwardness is increasing exponentially.  Worst of all, you were the last person to speak, so everyone thinks the awkwardness is your fault.

The Solution:  Sudden, loud noise


Foot-in-mouth

You are having a great time, talking loudly, feeling like the life of the party.  You are soaring on wings of confidence.  You get a little too bold.  Something offensive slips out.  


Now everyone is staring at you and your confidence implodes like a punctured balloon.  Suddenly you can't find anything to say.  You are nothing.  You are dirt.  Your soul is soaking up shame like a sponge and you are beginning to weigh the value of your friendships against the magnitude of your embarrassment.  

The Solution: Confuse... 


... or redirect... 


Getting caught staring

Sometimes you are ogling a pretty girl, sometimes you are trying to get a better look at a horribly misshapen person and sometimes you are just spacing out and your eyes happen to be pointing directly at someone.  


Whatever the case, when you are caught, you will feel shame.  Lots and lots of shame. 

The Solution:


Encounters with close talkers

Conversations with close-talkers are usually only awkward on your end. They could be telling you about how they found ten miniature unicorns in their backyard and all you are thinking about is whether your breath stinks and exactly how to angle your head so that you aren't breathing on them, but it still kind of looks like you are paying attention.

The Solution:


Unwanted conversation 

I am painfully bad at avoiding/extricating myself from this one.  I get sucked into all sorts of unwanted conversations about crazy political conspiracy theories, the annual budget for sports teams I don't care about, advanced scientific debates that I am woefully underprepared for and probing discussions about my breast health.  One time, on a Greyhound bus ride to Seattle, I talked to a woman I didn't know for 7 hours about her divorce because I couldn't figure out how to end the conversation.  

Generally, unwanted conversations happen unexpectedly, so there is very little you can do to avoid them. 



The Solution:  I have no idea; you tell me. 

Responding to someone who isn't talking to you 


The Solution:  You have several options

99 comments:

Mike said...

BAP! HAHAHAHA

Holly Renee said...

How to get out of a painfully long conversation? I have found that if you start talking about yourself, and like add all kinds of gross, nobody wants to hear that, kind of stuff, people will tend to leave. It is a man just start sharing your feelings, a lot.

JamesGray said...

It seems to me that bursting into flames would probably help end unwanted conversations too. Then again, I have a hard time achieving spontaneous combustion at will, so I'm not entirely sure how much that will help. Back to square one I guess.

mylittlebecky said...

um, here's the thing: my particular close talker doesn't have an eye slash forehead that i would particularly want to lick. what should i do?

Mel said...

Well this is a little awkward.

When I was reading the first one, I was thinking "oh how funny. I'm frequently the last one talking. I can relate to this."

At number two, I remembered some unintentionally racist things I'd said earlier this week, and how often I need to bite my tongue when I see a little person at the shopping centre.

By number three, I was recollecting all the times I zone out on the train and am caught accidentally staring at strangers.

By this point I've realised, Allie, I AM this post. It's a frightening day to be me.

Bridget Callahan said...

The way to kill unwanted conversations is to bring up religion.

Of course, that's also the way to start unwanted conversations, but those kind can always be ended by bringing up your recent abortion.

Mel said...

And yet I kept reading to the end of the post. I do ALL of these things. Especially the responding to people who aren't talking to me. I think I need to go and set myself on fire now...

Johana Hill said...

I find myself in unwanted conversations too often. Once I open my gob, that's it. Thoughts race through my head like what do I tell her/him next?, what can I tell her/him?, wouldn't it feel awkward to just end the conversation abruptly? and the likes...

Beautiful illustrations by the way, especially the lady in red...LOL

Miss Vintage Vixen said...

Thanks!

...GIVING! Thanksgiving! Get in my belleh, turkey!

Thanks!

... for being nice to that guy!

Thanks!

... *blowtorch*

Dear Mason... said...

If you are going to continue to write absolutely hilarious material then I am not going to be able to read you for the rest of my pregnancy... cause I just peed my pants laughing. Then I wrote this comment instead of changing them.
COMMITMENT.

Swistle said...

I think that either the licking move or the bursting into flames move would work for the unwanted conversation thing.

Allie said...

Mike - That was my favorite part too :)

Holly - But what if you can't get a word in at all? I have one friend who can steer the conversation back to himself with these crazy ninja word-gymnastics and I don't even know how he does it, but suddenly we're talking about how many people can fit in Iowa's football stadium again.

James - That's why you carry matches or a lighter with you at all times. I would assume it's one of the major advantages of being a smoker.

Mylittlebecky - Two words: tongue condom.

Mel - I based a lot of this off of myself. I'm a painfully awkward person. When I'm not perpetrating the awkwardness, I'm encouraging it with my lack of awkward-situation-preparedness.

Bridget - Very wise. That needs to go in a diagram or chart of some sort.

Johana - Yep, that's me. I'll keep up an unwanted conversation forever just to avoid the awkward silences. I'm not a good closer.

Allie said...

Miss Vintage Vixen - Memorize and utilize!

Dear Mason - Oh no! It's okay though. One time I peed my pants during a race and I was too tired to change them for another 15 minutes. Ew.

Swistle - I'm going to have to do some field-testing...

Tony said...

I hate close talkers!! I actually do get the urge to lick their cheek sometimes!

As for the awkward conversations, I like to pretend that my phone's ringing, and I walk away with the, "This is a very important call" look on my face, and I give them a wave. Winner!

Mel said...

Allie, now I think about it, that's probably why I love your blog so much (besides it's all round awesomeness). I put the pain in painfully awkward. I am the Lord Mayor of Awkward Town. In fact, I have a whole blog about it.

Thanks for blogging your awkwardness. It makes me feel much better to see so many situations in which I've found myself in MS paint format. :)

*uncorked said...

My solution to all of the above situations are simply to hang my head in shame, shake my head once, and walk away. But don't look back. Ever. And don't respond to any further statements.

Boyd said...

During a particularly educational adventure of mine, my friends and I would shout "Gay baby!" whenever there was an awkward silence. It was great.

Zaedah said...

Your last frame had it right...

Spontaneous combustion is not only an acceptable way to supply sufficient distractions, it also ensures that you'll never talk about midgets incorrectly again. Or anything else, for that matter.

Benny Paul said...

Next time I see a hot girl on the bus, I'll make sure I have a trenchcoat full of sunglasses... genius.
Also, have you ever blown on a close talker? I've always wanted to, but never had the courage.

Dyinetch said...

I've always been stuck in unwanted conversations with a "kinda friend" who thinks she's smart and pretty but she's fucking not. So most of our conversations are about how great she is. I just pretend I have a headache. Though I think it's not that effective because the last time we talked, she found a way to make up a story about her greatness from the word "headache."

ALLIE, HELP!!!

Joanne Levy said...

This will work for the endless conversation AND the close-talker: pick your nose. Just get right in there and go for gold. Should work - if not, make a point to eye the person's lapel as a potential depository for any resultant nuggets. If THAT doesn't work, well, you know what you have to do.

(my mom's head is exploding right now - sorry mom, but desperate times and all...)

Juliette said...

Omg, too funny, and so relatable.
Trench coat dude was my favorite.

WhereForArtThouRomeo

Courtney Alexis said...

I'm the unfortunate person who always seems to smile and wave back at the person who was ... smiling and waving to the person walking BEHIND me.

Cheers to general awkwardness.

Barbara said...

I really hate close talkers and the unwanted conversation starters. Actually, I think I just hate talking to people in general lol.

Untypically Jia said...

I have the unwanted conversations at least once a week with my aunt who breeds shi-tzu dogs. She tells me about every little effing detail. "Muffin is in heat, but I can't breed her with Cuddles cause the puppies last time didn't sell as well, and Rocky is more interested in Sugar and Scooter than Muffin."

It hurts my brain.

I find that inserting random curses and becoming angry on their behalf helps a little. It at least makes the conversation more interesting.

"You should tell Rocky to go fuck himself! He should be grateful you let him have so much sex!!"

valkyrie said...

A. i heart your blog so much. just read all of it in a few days, thought you ought to know!

B. how to get rid of conversations you don't really want to be in - several options. most ruder, some less so.

1. wear headphones constantly, even if you're not listening to anything. refuse to take them out to talk to strangers/neighbors. singing along to music is also really good for getting people to shut up.
2. "i gotta go take a shit now, but i'll ttyl!"
3. yawn persistently, they'll start doing it soon, then you can use the space in their monologue to say "gotta go, bye!" and RUN LIKE HELL.
4. just start screaming.
5. pretend you are utterly insane, and reply the way you think a sociopath/axe murderer would. they have to give up eventually, right?

TAMPA said...

From here on out... I am licking close talkers !! They bug the hell out of me... and now it's payback time !! :)

I'm Jane said...

I would offer that the solution to Unwanted Conversations is the same as the solution for Encounters with Close Talkers.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Solution to Unwanted Conversations before it begins just randomly say, to whomever you may feel is going to start the random convo, "I just got out of prison and looking to get laid!" or I don't know just blankly stare at them and start picking at their hair and say "oh look a unicorn!" works all the time.

Homemaker Man said...

I am assuming that man in the trench coat is staring because one of that woman's boobs is misshapen and also bigger than the other. What a freak.

To get out of unwanted conversations you can: fart, fall asleep and, if necessary, claim narcolepsy, say " I know exactly what you're saying, my mom went through the same exact thing. I get it, say no more, I gotcha."
Start eating loudly and continually offer bites, or interrupt to compare whatever they are talking to you about to moments in your life even though they really have nothing to do with the story. These are all effective to one degree or another. Try them out til you find one that suits you. You're welcome.

Sharon Needles said...

Okay, I have a couple of different ways to get out of certain conversations. Most of the time, I just fart, which I can usually pull off most of the time, thanks to a dodgy digestive system combined with massive doses of metformin. And the stench my ass cranks out is bad enough to cause cancer, so most conversations end abruptly when the fumes start to spread.

On the bus, I hasten to tell passengers eyeing the seat next to me that it's "reserved for the Lord". They usually move right along, especially if I'm wearing my parka in July.

At a party this weekend though, I gaffed badly and never quite recovered. In a mixed group of people I didn't know, I said, "OMIGAWD, yanno what twisted sexual thing I heard about this week? People who pretend they're PONIES!"

An awkward silence ensued, accompanied by sidelong glances at two people I'd only met that evening. Who, apparently, like to pretend they're ponies.

Awkward.

So I farted.

Salt said...

I have been in all of these situations. I think it's time for me to buy a new trench coat.

Lisa M. Martin said...

I literally had the stressiest day ever. Then I read this blog...and the other one about the Milk Crisis and your cuteness left me in a fit of laughter! "Get in my belly, turkey!". You're so funny.

Lucky Punk said...

Awesomely entertaining post.
I recommend a sneeze or cough attack to get out of unwanted conversations... You can do it right over someone talking, so no need to wait for a pause, and then you can shake your head apologetically (still coughing) and point toward the other room (glass of water) or the bathroom (kleenex) and split.

Anonymous said...

I just say "Sorry, I got distracted by your boobs." Works every time, in every situation.

elizawhat.com said...

I end up in unwanted conversations with my boyfriend's stepfather all the time. I've tried walking away as if I'm looking for Mike, but he just follows. I'm going to try setting myself on fire next time. Or maybe just blurting out a bunch of random stuff. I dunno. I really don't want to hear about his job or sports team or how his wife is crazy (I love my future MIL)!!

Lucky Lizard Ranch said...

OMG! I thought you were writing about me except there were no stumbling gaffes, you know the kind where ya trip over imaginary items, yep, that is so me. You are my hero Allie for bringing all the awkwardness to the light for the socially inept like me--now because of you and all the comments (Sharon Needles you rock), I have a way to deal with so many situations I would have goofed before. flame on!

Miss Mayhem said...

This is a really funny post!

I love it when you post! I am so happy I am exploding with rainbows!
Lol!

-Miss Mayhem

Amanda said...

My fav is "keep cool stuff under your trenchcoat". Funny stuff - thanks for making me laugh!

brendan james hinkle said...

Self-immolation is never not funny.

But Anonymous is right. These situations are best dealt with head-on:

"We have reached an awkward silence. I find birds of paradise very interesting, so unless you think up something better to talk about, I am going to explain the FUCK out of the Crinkle-collared Manucode."

or

"I'm extremely not interested in what you're saying. Please stop talking, or at least stop talking to me."

I said that to the middle-aged woman sitting next to me on a flight from London to New York. She was not at all happy, but I didn't care, because I was flying Virgin Atlantic and could play Super Nintendo games on the tiny TV embedded in the seat in front of me.

Unforgettable said...

i do the responding to people who aren't talking to me thing a lot.... *sad* But I have the solution for unwanted conversations! You have one guess: why was the phone invented. See this:
Blabber: Blah blah blappity blah because I am annoying that way
Me: Umm... I gotta take this call.
Blabber: but it no ring
Me:It's on silent .
Then walk away to "get good reception". Or if seated after the "call" just start looking all depressed and pretend to be texting while playing games on your phone instead.

Just make sure you don't hold the phone upside down though. :)

tdot said...

Interrupt the person and say that you unfortunately have to make a call/meditate/finish a paper/take a nap/finish listening to this song so you can edit it in the studio

but

Harini said...

=)) LOl!

Ink Spiller said...

So totally helpful! I wish I would have had this bit of wisdom handed to me when I was a kid and we went to visit my creepy aunts.

Ellie said...

I am clearly too damn NICE. Sign saying DEAF?

Ashton King said...

I'm totally going to lick the next person that stands too close to me! Great idea!!

Tracy said...

I love you.

At the very least, I will think of these the next time I find myself in one of these situations and get a laugh out of it.

Maybe that's how to get out of the unwanted conversation. Unprovoked psychotic laughter.

BAP!

Sarah said...

Aggghhh, the mfing closetalker. I supervised one of those once. I had to edit his article while he watched over my shoulder. I could have licked him but HE HAD A HORRIFIC, SNOTTY, RASPY, NEAR-DEATH COLD AND I COULD FEEL HIS BREATH ON MY MOUTH!!

And also, I think you should make the "how to get out of conversation" one an official challenge to your readers.

Moooooog35 said...

The solution to the unwanted conversation one is to strike up your OWN unwanted conversation BACK to the person.

Preferably, this conversation involves talking about your colon polyps.

steff said...

the best solution i have for realistically escaping unwanted conversation is to interject at some point in their blathering with a story of your own (truth or fiction, that part's up to you) that is either - disturbing/grotesque/impolite/outting yourself as a homicidal maniac. preferably all of the above.
the trick here is to make sure you don't actually further INTRIGUE the other with your tale.
something like this:
"oh you're divorce sounds terrible! you know, when MY parents got divorced, i rigged the shower door so when my dad got in it locked and then i set the water heater so only boiling water came out of the shower head! within minutes his skin was festering pockets of red and purple ooze. he died shortly after. i love my mom. she's great. you remind me of her..."
just a suggestion...

Guilty of Gossip said...

hahaha- this whole post made me laugh! i love the last one, it happens waaay to often and i feel like an ass.

justbarely said...

check your watch mid conversation and say, "Oh look, it's time for my 3:00 enima! Do you want to accompany me to the bathroom or...?"

HokieJayBee said...

i went back and looked through your archives that have pictures of you and Duncan.

the guy caught improperly ogling the under-boob girl looks pretty familiar. i won't say who he looks like, Duncan, but perhaps you were letting something subconsciously out there?

in regards to a situation like your 7 hour bus ride, i have actually told someone in mid-conversation before that they owe me XXX hours of my life back.

Ben said...

If you're not concerned with making friends, I've always found shouting: "I'M SO BORED!" and walking away to be a good defense against unwanted conversations.

Kendra said...

I jujst found you thanks to your cake/pie comparison and am totally becoming a loyal fan. Like the "haters" you mention in another post, I see a number of influences in your humor, from internet, TV, and other places. But it just makes me think you're even funnier, because apparently we're fans of the same places.

I am totally going to start wearing a trench coat just so I can have interesting things inside.

Jen and Tonic said...

I don't keep cool stuff underneath my coat, I just keep my naked body under there. That way, when things get awkward/uncomfortable/dicey I just open the coat and distract them with my severely undertanned skin.

http://ajenaday.blogspot.com

foxy said...

Gah, I just love you. Every post makes me laugh.

Angie said...

I'm totally gonna try to lick the next close-talker I encounter. That HAS to work.

qandlequeen said...

your solution to Close Talkers is actually a viable solution to all awkward moments! You.are.brilliant!

Jennifer McLean said...

... about the Greyhound conversation...

Her: OOOh, I'm getting divorced, bastard! blah, blah, blah...
you: I'm a Hitman.
her: *stares blankly*
you: I can take care of that for ya, I've got a promotional discount going this month. What's your husband's name?
her: RUNS away.
you: *smile*

Feel free to use this NEXT time.
:o)

Wayward American said...

For unwanted conversations: While they pause for breath say "Yeah ___ Died." OR "I'm exteremely depressed and am going through a mental breakdown"

They usually go with "....oh.....right....you okay?"

You reply with "No not really I feel like my life is over"

They reply with "Oh....kay?" and then they will extract themselves.

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said...

Getting out of unwanted conversations is easy.

Once you know you need to escape, but they are still talking, do one of two things,

A. Barf on them. NO one is going to want to keep talking to you after you barf on their shoes.

B. Clutch your stomach and groan, "oh, excuse me, I think I have diarrhea again."

Never fails.

Christopher said...

If you can't get someone to stop yapping incessantly about something you don't care about just stare at her boobs, but then when she catches you don't pull anything interesting out of your trench coat. If it's a man do the same thing, hopefully he has man boobs, then you can blurt out "hey I found the most comfortable bra line at target you should really try it out".

CJ said...

I just stumbled upon your blog today.. you are an amazing writer for this style and incredibly funny. I am hooked.

KEEP IT UP! (PS - i've sent this blog to at least 7 people so far today.. many more will come).

Ardith said...

Unwanted conversation? Do what I do... and just constantly have a head cold. That way, you can't hear ANYTHING that's going on around you, and you get to snort really disgustingly all the time with a purpose.

Coincidentally, I'm also single. Hm...

Simone Says... said...

getting out of a conversation - pretend like you're getting a call on your cell phone (keep it on vibrate for these emergency situations). or if you're on the phone with the culprit, say you have another call. or poop in your pants, nobody wants to be a part of that.

EndlessMemories said...

Ways to get out of unwanted conversations::

1. Make excuses.
"I'm really sorry but you caught me at a bad time, I really need to feed my fish or he'll die of despair and lonliness and hunger and you don't want to be responsible for that do you?"

2. Ignore them and keep walking.

3. Pretend to have suddenly become deaf.

4. Shout TMI really loudly and run away. Actually shouting anything really loudly and running away works. Such as suddenly becoming very distracted by a squirrel, tree, cloud, balloon, and chasing after said thing to your escape.

5. Pretend to get a call on your cell phone and excuse yourself because of some "disaster" that has unexpectedly happened.

6. Be assertive. There are three rules to assertiveness: a. repeat how they feel. b. say how you feel. c. tell them what you want to have happen:

example: "I see that you really want to talk to me, but I am not interested in what you have to say. Maybe you should go find someone else who cares."

Being assertive works in a number of situations by the way, and is a useful tool to be able to spring upon unexpecting individuals.

7. Lastly, as a group of kindergartenrs in one of my classes just learned in dealing with unwanted touches, or bullying: just say no, run away, and tell a trusted adult. Since you are your own trusted adult, we can overlook this last rule.

So, someone begins in with their conversation: "The other night I had this girl over and she was REALLY smoking hot and bla bla bla..."

You: "NO!!" *runs away*.




There. problems solved.
You're welcome.
~Lily.

One of The Guys said...

Wicked funny and clever!

Love the "Trenchcoat" scene!

Debbie M said...

Boring conversion -- sadly, these are very difficult to turn around. Normally, I just think that these people are just pathetically sad and they finally have someone to sort of listen to them and let them get it all out.

But in cartoon land, you could be suddenly distracted by something behind them such as an imaginary bee flying around and around. And around.

Nina said...

mmm I want to say 3 things:

1.- Thank you for helping me with my addiction of reading useless blogs, yours might not be the most usefull blog but makes me feel warm inside and happy :D

2.- What if im having an akward talk with a close talker BUT they have bad skin? Should I lick them aswell?

3.- I was going to say something like FEED ME 3 POSTS A DAY but it sounds kind of lame now that I have repeated it constantly in my head...

Uma tal de PatrĂ­cia said...

Wear a t-shirt with a sweet psychotic bunny saying "I know how you feel. I just don't care". People usually leave me alone those days I wear it anyway...

Remy Lane said...

If someone figures out the solution to "unwanted conversation", let me know.

Worst example I've seen: a drunk Australian forcibly yapping to a former US soldier about everything that was wrong with the US Military. For three hours. On a plane. Drawing defense diagrams on his magazine.

Thank God for headphones.

Erin said...

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have your blog to read. It would be a sad, sad world. You're hilarious =)

I bought a t-shirt from your store and I'm through the roof excited for it to arrive! I'm pretty sure my sister is going to snag one too, so we're doing our part to make sure you never have to grow up and get a real job!

Alice said...

i like becoming a Heavy Breather when around a close talker. like, moist heavy breathing. right on their faces. because their faces are SO EFFING CLOSE.

My Mercurial Nature said...

Made my way here from "say anything" and LOVING your blog! Your illustrations (and captions) are beyond funny!!

Toe said...

I think the last one with lighting yourself on fire might also be fitting for all of them.

JoeyRes said...

I saw your interview on Say Anything and had to stop by. I knew you'd be funny since you like Mitch Hedberg. I think about that guy everytime I walk into a Target store.

I think everyone could benefit from these strategies, but I'm not sure I could really lick a close talker. That might just be too much.

joshkart said...

That close-talker solution is funny as hell! Just burst out laughing. At work.

Thanks :-/

DashiellP said...

I'm pretty sure the best way to get out of a conversation you don't want is smokebombs.

Pia said...

Hahaha! I love your blog! :D

I also get sucked into unwanted conversations all the time, and if only I was brave, I'd do something like this:
*COUGH* .... *COUGH HACK eye twitch*
*mouth twitch*
OH GOD, the voices, they're coming again...
Aaaaeeeuuuuuurtgghhghgdshhrhhhhhrhrhrhhhhhhh...
*go completely silent and stare in front of you until they leave you alone*
Now doesn't that sound like a great solution?

Matthew said...

Wow. I about died laughing while reading this, and then I thought it was a good idea to grab an altoid (that was after reading the blog with my face way to close to the screen), and I continued to laugh. I then proceeded to swallow the recently ingested altoid. It burned all the way down. I again about died, and again due to laughing only this time an altoid was involved.

Valerie J. said...

I have actually put my hand (well.. finger) on someone's face and pushed him off before. He was talking so close I couldn't even listen. I was only thinking.
'Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.'

Unfortunately, that caused a very long awkward pause in the conversation.
To which I probably said something like, 'You were in my bubble.'

The best way to get out of long one-sided conversations is to give unwanted advice at every turn. For example blah blah blah football stadium seating...blah blah. Cut him off and say, "You know what you should do!!! *pause (just to hear the delicate silence) then something like call team's manager and suggest yatta yatta about blah blah."

Since of course this is something he should under no circumstances do or be able to do. He will certainly be stunned into silence. In that instance start humming to yourself loudly or gently sneak away (if possible).

Also. Study the bitches... they are amazing at making conversations go their way.

Jamie said...

Haha just found your blog and love it!

jamelafamela.blogspot.com

theskolnick said...

getting out of a conversation: Just start talking about Jesus. (Unless they brought Him up).

LousyTourist said...

The 'keeping cool stuff under your trenchcoat' might not always work out that well.... at least for guys.

Anonymous said...

I love akward silences and I will usually do anything to make them last, like giving people crazy eyes. o_O

When it comes to midgets I'd go for little people tripping over their own beards.

When staring you could yell: "You blinked I win!". And then run.

Close talkers can be scared away by going all personal space invader on them and getting even closer.

Somehow I can turn every lame conversation into one about wieners or belly hair, that usually does the trick. =D

And I love talking to people who aren't talking to me, I just smile and keep walking.

Does this mean I'm socially akward?

splendidem said...

getting out of a conversation? just make your eyes very wide, start breathing heavily out of your mouth and hold your hands up to your face like you have an invisible camera and start "photographing" them. Repeatedly.

If this fails, just start screaming.

Matt said...

Here's a few methods for getting out of an unwanted conversation:

THE DISTRACTION:
Get naked

THE CONFRONTATION:
Drown out their inane yapping with shrieks of terror.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SHUTDOWN:
"Accidentally" spill something on them. Say "oops, sorry" then do it again.

FLEE!
Start fondling them and say "It's all good baby" like a creepy guy trying to be a knight in shining armor.

ItalianCurly said...

To get out of unwanted conversation you start to say something and point and just walk away. For example, "Oh look, the kitchen...." and walk towards it. My dad has somehow mastered just simply walking away, and yet no one ever gets offended. I can't seem to pull that off yet.

ItalianCurly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shamit Kumar Tomar said...

"Responding to someone who isn't talking to you"

ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME...... X(

Anonymous said...

People sometimes engage me in unwanted conversation and drone on and on for what seems like hours. I call these people "pathological talkers" because that's basically what they are. I haven't tried this stuff out on very many people, but I find that the following work pretty well:

1 - Suck on your finger seductively and look directly at the talker. I have yet to encounter a pathological talker capable of telling me about their favorite sports team for more than three seconds while I do this. It probably looks strange because I'm a man, but I've gotten used to it and my foes have not.
2 - Impersonate Gollum, in The Two Towers, when Faramir asks him "What did they steal?" and Gollum says "Myyyyy....PRECIOUSSSS! AGGGH!" I do this pretty well and people usually get scared and forget about their favorite sports team for at least a minute, which is enough time for me to sprint away.
3 - Interject their long lectures with inane comments or jokes. I use keywords. Like, if the person mentioned the vending machines at the sports stadium where they went to see their favorite sports team play an important game/match/meet, I would tell all of Mitch Hedberg's jokes involving vending machines. This works best when the topic is incredibly serious and the pathological talker gets upset that you're telling jokes while they're talking about how sad they are about their recent breakup, which in retrospect makes me seem like a dickhead.

moracca said...

The cure for the unwanted conversation: narcolepsy.

Aaron said...

Although not radily available on command, letting a fart rip pretty diffuses any awkward silence or unwanted conversation. The kicker is that it's natural! So...it cancels out.

Anonymous said...

I am so going to lick the next person who stands too close to me while talking.

Will said...

In regards to your unwanted conversation problem, i know how to solve that one. All you need to do is bring up the most awkward conversation you ever had. It will instantly stop any unwanted conversation. I have found this method to work quite often.

Chloe said...

The solution for unwanted conversations is to tell them really seriously "I have vomit diarrhea."

The Beast said...

I find that the easiest way to get out of unwanted/unpleasant conversation is to be myself. People can't tend to keep up with the greased-and-electrified-squirrel speed my brain moves, so everything comes out "non sequiter" to them if unchecked. Pretty easy to just let it go and appear to make less sense than anyone in history's ever made before. I think in all other situations, a heavy application of zany would be good enough? Just don't let it come back to pie, everyone will talk about pie.

Anonymous said...

I have a solution that solves all of these problems. I use it constantly. While the person is talking to you look over their shoulder with a funny look on your face like you don't know what to make of what you're seeing. When they turn to look walk away. By the time they turn around you're far enough away that you don't even have to see that hurt look on their face. ~Jason