LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I'M WATCHING MY PROGRAMS!!!!!

The beginning of the week is hard for me.  After not writing on the weekend, I always feel like whatever I do next has to be legendary to make up for it.  But when I am trying to write something legendary, all I can think of is stuff like "cake is awesome" and "one time I fell down and hurt myself."  Eventually I just end up hiding in a corner and watching The Bachelor for six hours straight because it "helps me think" but really it's because I want to forget about my responsibilities.  That approach actually works pretty well until I start yelling at the contestants and Boyfriend walks in and says "Oh, there you are!  What are you doing?"  And I look up at him from my corner, my face and hands covered in honey because I just ate a honey and butter sandwich and I say "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I'M WATCHING MY PROGRAMS!!!!!"










Then Boyfriend says "What's on your face?"  And I'm like "IT'S HONEY! GET OUT OF YOUR FUCKING TOWER AND STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'VE NEVER HAD HONEY ON YOUR FACE BEFORE!!!"  And Boyfriend is like "What?" And I'm all "DON'T JUDGE ME!"  And I run away.

Then it's suddenly Tuesday and I haven't accomplished anything aside from making myself really sticky and totally disillusioned with love.  At some point I'm like "I just have to do it.  I'm going to sit down and write and see what comes out.  No pressure."

Anyway, that's how posts like this happen.

UPDATE:  I started responding to comments on this post and I realized that most of my responses were explaining butter and honey sandwiches, which is an admittedly weird thing to eat.  I decided to elaborate here instead.

I used to really enjoy peanut butter and honey sandwiches, but I can no longer eat peanut butter because Boyfriend is deathly allergic to nuts.  We cannot have peanut butter in our house.  I still love bread and honey, though, so I got the bright idea to substitute regular butter for peanut butter.  It's like all the best parts of every food ever, combined into one sandwich.  If you could put happiness on bread and eat it, that's what eating a honey and butter sandwich would be like.

55 comments:

Tony said...

Aw...

I've never had a honey and butter sandwich. One time, I tried honey and peanut butter, but I thought I was going to die. It was good, but it was just so thick. That's what she said.

Anyhow, I was the same way when Merkin made me watch every single Grey's Anatomy episode during my Christmas vacation. I would just sit on the floor, and eat and eat and eat, and every time I had to do my toilet business, I would angrily lash out at my colon or bladder.

Allie said...

Tony - I know! My bladder has suffered endlessly because of shows like The Bachelor and Big Brother. I'm always like "Next time there's a commercial, I'll go..." but then I realize that I'm watching YouTube and there aren't any commercial breaks and even though I can pause it whenever I want, I'm like "what do I do? I can't just PAUSE it..."

Anyway, you should try honey and butter sandwiches. The trick is putting the bread in the microwave so it gets all soft and then drenching it in butter. If there's enough butter, the honey will get kind of diluted and not be as sticky.

Sarah P said...

You need to get some BBC America up in your life. When you spend a lot of time at home by yourself, it feels more and more like they're yelling at you directly and are judging you because you never dust under the sofa table. Then, the significant other comes home to find you manically cleaning the lime build-up off the kitchen spout.
Not that I do that. I'm just saying it probably happens. To someone. That's how I know.

Sarah P said...

And by "they," I mean those cleaning lady chicks on that show about the dirty houses.

Allie said...

Sarah P - I wish so much that I was more like you. If I listened to the cleaning chicks, I would probably end up just watching more of The Bachelor because thinking about cleaning makes me want to avoid my life even more. When I was a kid, I'd try to get in trouble so that my parents would punish me and make me stand in the corner and then I wouldn't have to do my chores for at least another 20 minutes.

Jen O. said...

Oh, Allie. Your cartoons are the best part of my day. If I could have a new one every day, I'd be a happy lady. But then I'd want to kiss you with tongues and that would get weird, so it's probably best that you just do them sometimes. That way I'm happy and you're not covered in slobber.

Sarah P said...

Ah, I see you're not Catholic. The guilt, it works on me.

Saadi said...

Sheer awesome-ness!!! I love ur paint skills!!!

Dual Mom said...

Were you an artist in a previous life? You depiction of the wild-eyed housewife is dead on.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh Allie. That last frame is magical. I wish I could frame it. You're like a rabid honey-faced vampire.

I've been the same way since my last post. I keep looking around my shelves for ideas. Maybe the nice reader people would like to see what I made in welding class! Maybe the nice readers would like to see a photo of me at Medieval Times Magic Castle! Here's a Mario Batali cookbook! That's funny! LOL!!

Grant said...

You are becoming the Michelangelo of MS Paint. Legendary as always.

kaloo said...

*thinks about Ninja Turtles to get names of famous artists* If you're Michelangelo then can I be the guy with the stick?

Now... How is Honey and Butter on a sandwich together? It doesn't sound at all bad, though possibly a bit too honey-like. I normally use Peanut Butter and Honey myself. My Honey Bear is empty though so none for me. D:

Amanda said...

I find that my best blogs happen when I don't' even try. I'm surprised you haven't found some inspiration from the Bachelor...lots of blog fodder there.

Salt said...

Is there a specific type of bread that honey butter sandwiches work best on? I'm thinking I might have to experiment with this.

Ed Adams said...

Honey and Butter?! I'm had Honey and Peanut Butter, which is good, although not as good as banana and peanut butter, but I've never had honey and butter.

Hmmmmmm.....I might have to try that.

I too have been on a writing hiatus. Brain fart, mental block, writers cramps, dain bramage, whatever.

At least you have an excuse. You are obviously suffering from PMS.

Chl said...

I for one am very impressed that your keyboard is not also coated in honey. I totally want to be you when I grow up.

Just A Girl said...

I used to make peanut butter and butter sandwiches. I also used to eat butter mixed with sugar because it's both delicious and the beginning of cookies so technically I was just tasting potential batter. I consoled myself by saying I would never be as bad as my uncle, who used to take sticks of butter behind the couch and eat them whole.

I forgot what my point was.

omchelsea said...

If you could just change the hair on your pink-dress a little... yep. That's me.

PQ said...

Honey and butter sandwiches are the shiznit.

And the Boy knows not to mess with me when I'm watching my shows. His hand may have been bruised once or twice because he talked too much during 24.

Amy said...

Wow. You triple in size when you get angry? That's awesome! I mean for you, because you can totally carry that weight, no problem. Me? We'd have to get another house just for when I get angry. And the pets? Yeah, they'd never survive.

I watch The Bachelor, too. And it disillusions me, too. Though sometimes it makes me happy, like when nutso girls get sent home sans rose ceremony... just like... get out. Yeah, that's full of the awesome.

Jay Ferris said...

If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure this is the exact same process Ayn Rand used.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Holy crap bananas that was funny.

But I'm totally laughing WITH you. Not at you or anything.

Don't go homicidal on me please. I like to live!

Anyway, continue to devour your honey and butter sandwiches. They must be your muse or something. :P

I enjoyed.

Little Miss English Teacher said...

I've never watched the bachelor. But, I was totally into what's that one with the plus sized women fighting for love? Those girls were fifty times cattier than other shows. Honestly, that's what I'm going for ... the drama. I could care less about the love aspect. You're the BEST at paint or whatever you are using for your pictures. Mine would look like a 2 year old's depiction.

sparklegreen said...

You are the best!

ShineForLife said...

Forget the novel - you can just publish a book of blog posts + illustrations.

Carrie said...

This made me laugh..hard. My dog thinks I'm crazy now.

CarrieAnn said...

I am watching the two-hour Bachelor from last night RIGHT now. I already watched it last night. I'm glad I'm not the only pathetic one.

Blaise said...

Are you a cat?!Though with the teeth you look more like one of the gravelings from "Dead Like Me." Anyways, I love the poofy ponytail, that's hilarious!

timtimtim said...

Oh nice, I'm the same with bagel pizza.

JustLinda said...

Add some mustard to that honey and then a chicken drumstick and I'm SO with you on this!!!

Erin said...

honey and butter sandwiches? was that concoction created as a result of a bare pantry? or is that a common thing that you actually like? i'm baffled..

mepsipax said...

Honey and peanut butter sandwiches are the shit. At least I hope you were talking about peanut butter.

Anyway... you don't love me anymore. You never visit, you never call (granted you don't know my phone number). And... you are crazy. Loves.

Erin Michelle said...

haha love it, love the blog! i hate the pressure that comes with writing! it leads to long absences, and then large amounts of guilt. and its not as fun as honey/PB sammies

Amanda West said...

I'm gonna have nightmares due to that last picture. Lol.

Nikole said...

I am amazed at your attention to detail. I love that you actually have a bachelor scene on the computer screen. You're kind of my hero.

ps. If I saw the last frame out of context I would guess it was someone getting pissed when the significant other walked in on them pooping in front of the computer..but that's just me.

Midnight Dawns said...

Yeah, I feel your pain... I just spent an hour writing and rewriting a post about me dropping a dollar in the toilet. How is that conceivably as awesome as I thought it was earlier?

P.S. Peanut Butter and sugar sandwichs are the shiznit

Hipstercrite said...

Pretty hysterical. I like the diagrams. I think this post is legendary.

otherworldlyone said...

Those cartoons are awesome. And the scenario is a lot more common than you'd think...

Simone Says... said...

You're legendary without trying. And those illustrations are friggin hilarious. You're a talented one, honey face and all.

Just.Kate said...

I love illustrated rabid Allie.

Nuff said.

Coopie said...

will you internet marry me? no homo. er...wait...i guess that would make it homo....*awkward feet shuffling*...um....*runs away*

LOL

dogimo said...

ALLIE!!!

I'm down with the flu for a bit, a briefness, a small while at most - and while I'm gone, you turn into BITMAP PICASSO and BITMAP CHUCK SHULTZ's pixellated love/hate child!

I can take the many ways you out-excel me in stride. I knew you had the single-panel and illustrative knack down diagonal sideways. But this surge of excellence in the sequential art category has me FURIOUS, and ready to take my own aspiring webcomic to a new and improved level!!

So I guess, THANKS and watch your back. Or mine. Assuming I can put on a real burst of speed.

Life is a flat-out race-to-excellence. That's what I say. First one there gets to redefine it.

dogimo said...

Oh, and butter-and-honey sandwiches aren't odd at all! I used to put honey on my hot, buttered english muffin just about every time. Aw yeah.

Now, PB&H, though, that's a new one. I'll have to try it! And I promise, promise not to kiss your boyfriend.

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Is that why I used to watch hours of Jon and Kate? Because I was dodging responsibility? It all makes sense now; watching some evil bitch chew up the little guy and spit him out is way better than work.

hilarityensues7 said...

Hahahaha, I love your cartoons. When are people ever going to learn not to mess with other people when they're watching their Programs?

Helena said...

i love it! the reaction is awesome

AmazingGrace said...

I don't think your sandwich choice is odd. My little sister used to eat "funny bread and honey" sandwiches, which were butter and honey on a tortilla. They're best eaten when rolled up, just make sure you don't overdo the honey or roll it loosely or the honey will drip everywhere. Delicious, however.

by the way, i feel rather unoriginal saying this, but i'm a super-fan of your blog. the drawings are splendid.

aren said...

Actually my mom raised me mostly on butter and honey sandwiches. We don't get along much now, but I still love butter and honey sandwiches, so I guess I have that to thank her for!

v said...

We used to have a bread machine growing up, and I'd take the hot bread out of the machine and butcher the hell out of it with the bread knife. But! I'd put butter and honey on it and eat approximately half the loaf.

In conclusion: you should try toasting the bread next time. I bet it's taaasty.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE honey and butter! I realize you posted this a while ago but I discovered your blog through gofugyourself.com where they had a link for your recent sandwich steps post and I've been going back to read older posts... This is really great! I hate when people are anonymous because it seems like they're hiding something, but if I'm being totally honest, I am just too damn lazy to "choose an identity" right now. Partly because I have done jackshit all day (that's a lie.. I woke up at noon, ate waffles with peanut butter and syrup, watched 2 hours of a friends dvd, took a nap, and went to burger king). Now I have to clean my apartment before my boyfriend comes over and picks me up, and instead of doing that for the next half hour, which isn't enough time by far, I'm reading your blog. Thanks for giving me something great to procrastinate with! But anyway, back to my main point: I love honey and butter. I've only had it on toast, but now I'm going to have to try it as a sandwich.

Robin said...

I know this is an old post, but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in eating honey and butter sandwiches. Except I toast mine. Living on the edge~

This blog is excellent, keep it up!:]

Dancer said...

I love butter and honey sandwiches. As you said they are like happiness on bread. When I was little my father made something called honeybutter. I like to mix the honey with the soft butter. Love it. Especially on fresh from the oven bread!

mandy said...

a)you'll probably never find this comment, and b) even if you do, you probably already know this, but often people who are allergic to nuts can have seeds, and if that is the case, you can probably have sunflower seed butter.

Anonymous said...

I know you posted this blog a while ago, but this is my first time commenting. I felt compelled because I too love butter and honey sandwiches. My mom used to give it to my brother and I as kids, and now as an adult I still eat it as a yummy snack.

Also, I like butter, honey AND peanut butter, though I realize you can't have that. It's delicious though. I had it every day for lunch last week.

You might want to try putting honey on slices of cheddar cheese. I thought it sounded really weird when my husband did it, but wow, it's amazing.

osora said...

I grew up eating honey and butter sandwiches. It was a special treat that my grandma used to make me. It's awesome knowing I am not the only one to eat them. :D