There's a Lesson in Here Somewhere... I Think it's "Don't Kill Your Girlfriend's Pet Unicorn"

Last night, I dreamt that I had a pet unicorn.  And then Boyfriend killed it.  When I woke up, I was still kind of mad.  Boyfriend was like "what's wrong?"

Me: "I had a bad dream."

Boyfriend:  "I'm sorry.  What was it about?"

Me: "I had a pet unicorn... "

Boyfriend:  "That doesn't sound bad at all.  That actually sounds pretty awesome."

Me:  "No, but you killed it."

Boyfriend:  "I killed your unicorn?"

Me:  "Yeah."

Boyfriend:  "Why would I do that?"

Me:  "I don't know.  You tell me."

Boyfriend:  "Allie, I can't tell you because I didn't actually do anything."

Me:  "I'm confused."

Boyfriend:  "Why?"

Me:  "Because what you are saying is logical, but I'm still totally pissed at you for killing my unicorn."

Boyfriend:  "But I didn't kill your unicorn.  Unicorns don't even exist."

Me: "I know that...  It's just - it wasn't even doing anything and you walked up to it and bashed its head in with a rock."

Boyfriend:  "That is actually kind of disturbing..."

Me:  "I know!  That's why I'm mad at you."

Boyfriend:  "Wait... you're actually upset about this?"

Me:  "Of course I'm upset!  You murdered my pet unicorn!"  

Boyfriend:  "But remember how I didn't actually do that and it was just a dream?"

Me:  "Yeah, but I loved Phineus."

Boyfriend:  "Now it has a name?"

Me:  "It always had a name!  Did you think I was going to just not name my unicorn?  How would I get its attention?"

Boyfriend:  "I don't know... clapping?"

Me:  "That would never work.  What if we went to a concert or something... he would be so confused!"

Boyfriend:  "Okay, what about - you know what?  I'm not going to discuss this with you.  This is ridiculous."

Me:  "Whistling might work... it might learn to recognize my whistle..."

Boyfriend:  "I'm going to go make lunch."

Me:  "But what am I supposed to do?  I'm still mad and I have no outlet."

Boyfriend:  "I don't know - draw a picture to express your feelings.  That usually seems to help."

Me:  "Okay."



I showed the picture to Boyfriend and he wasn't very supportive.  He just said "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Me:  "I feel a lot better now, thanks for asking."

Boyfriend:  "Is that a sword?"

Me:  "Yeah."

Boyfriend: "I stabbed it with a sword and beat it with a rock?"

Me:  "It's an over-dramatization."

Boyfriend:  "Did it need over-dramatizing?"

And the answer is yes.  Yes it did.  Because that's how it feels when someone kills your pet unicorn for no reason.  

61 comments:

Jay Ferris said...

I can't believe the nerve of that bastard. Seriously -- what the hell did Phineus ever do to him? Someone call PETMAA, stat!

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Oh man, Jeremy does terrible things to me in my dreams ALL THE TIME and he NEVER takes responsibility for them! At least Duncan offered you a creative outlet to disperse your rage.

Also, I am still not convinced that you can actually make those pictures in paint. Or you are a witch. Take your pick.

Wynn said...

Totally. I want my own unicorn too..

Elly Lou said...

I want a unicorn AND those mad paint skillz.

Gigi said...

Oh Allie! I always get ticked at Hubby for the crap he does in my dreams. That's what having a Significant Other is all about! Tell him to just suck it up; it's part of his job description.

Tony said...

Boyfriend is just like Voldemort. Killing a Unicorn is such a terrible thing to do. They're so pure and majestic that those who kill them's souls get torn apart to the point of no repair. Just like Voldemort.

It's unforgivable. Even if it was only a dream. Phineas never deserved that.

timtimtim said...

I don't know Allie, I've always been a little skeptical of Unicorns. Like their horn and their charming personalities are a front for something else.

...they could be antithetical towards mandatory sex parties. Also, they could be gremlins.

Sarah P said...

But ... did he use every part of the animal?

Because if he did, murdering the unicorn was morally OK.

Unless it wasn't free range. Please tell me you didn't keep your pet unicorn in one of those corporate unicorn barns.

Amy said...

That was completely uncool that Duncan killed your unicorn... but just remember, it was your sub-concience... so actually YOU killed the unicorn.

I'd like to see how you work THAT out with a picture.

ShineForLife said...

:( RIP Phineus

I have dreams about fluffy kittens. Then someone always kills them by putting them in the freezer. I don't know who it is, but when I find out...

mepsipax said...

Allie, you are fucking great. But... you are also seriously fucked in the head. Boyfriend and I like that about you. I have the added benefit that you don't really know me and can't get pissed enough to stab me with a "Unicorn horn" (vibrator) in my sleep.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

How wonderfully random. You have a great future as a writer - or in an institution someplace.
Is a keyboard considered a sharp object? If so, vlog so we can keep up.

Anonymous said...

Why do you rock at MS paint so much...
surely.
that has to be a more advanced program, no?

Blaise said...

oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't be too hard on Boyfriend though.

Beckles said...

Long time reader--first time commenter. I love your comic/cartoon/drawings. a-maze-ing!

Also, I linked to you from my brand new blog that no one reads yet, I hope that's ok. I pretty much love your blog in a completely healthy, non-creepy way.

CherBearBlue said...

RIP Phineus...you were a beautiful unicorn (seriously, that is really f*ing good...you must have worked on that all day!)

Why don't men get this!?? I can't tell you how many times Ben has left me at the bar or killed my hamster Buster! That big fat asshole refuses to apologize and then says I am the unreasonable one. WTF man???!

JustLinda said...

Tell your boyfriend I understand.

I've gotten the silent treatment from my husband for 2 weeks because I made out with the AT&T U-Verse guy in his dream.

LOL Freud would have a fucking FIELD DAY with that one, huh?

How about this -- I'll analyze yours if you analyze mine!! (Ooooh, that sounds kind of titillating, huh?)

Nat said...

I am so impressed with your drawings. I'm sorry about Phineus.

Ed Adams said...

Unicorns may be mythical, but you could totally have a Narwhal.

They're like a unicorn that swims and is real.

And boyfriend could totally smash one with a rock, so you still get to be pissed.

иικκι јо♥ said...

Ok I am a new follower of yours and I truly LOVED this post. Not only because of the convo with you and your bf - I've had similar convos, not about pet unicorns but just the way you went back and forth and also because of that drawing!! That's awesome that you did that with paint

Dawn said...

Now I know what happened to MY pet unicorn! Only I think it was my big brother dressed like Freddie Kreuger... and I was 12.
Now I dream about Freddie Kreuger killing my youngest daughter.
Maybe she is my New pet unicorn... or not, GothGirl IS 12 and I think related to the antichrist, or Marilyn Manson, whichever.
Maybe that explains the Freddie dream...

Great! Now I'm afraid to sleep...thanks!

bonequinhoda bic said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!

Stacie said...

Dude, if MY boyfriend dream killed my dream pet unicorn, I would wake up, take alllllll his whites, throw them in the wash, crank the hot water, and throw in a pair of red panties, for spite.

Because I'm a bizzznitch like that.

Kurt said...

The worst kind of killer is the killer of DREAMS. Unless you count herpes, which is the killer of sexy.

Ireland said...

I feel so bad for you.

But look on the bright side- most people don't get a pet unicron in their entire life.
Think of the good times you and phineus had together...
and then you can have a dream where phineus comes back to life and exacts his revenge >:)

Ben said...

I love carrying over anger at real people for their fake actions in dreams. It's the best way to keep people on their toes. "OHMYGOD YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT, YOU SICKO..."

Props on the artwork.

Angie said...

Good lord, that's almost grounds for a break-up. Unacceptable!

On the bright side, unicorn blood makes you immortal, so he might have done you a favor. Haven't you seen Harry Potter? :)

sarah said...

gosh, how devastated you must be! hopefully tonight phineas's life will be restored... or better yet, maybe he'll be replaced by a leoplurodon! (you've seen charlie goes to candy mountain, right? if you haven't, youtube immediately.)

miss. chief said...

You're so right about the going to a concert thing. My unicorn totally gets confused by all the clapping.

Homemaker Man said...

you ever think about going into comics/cartooning? So good. But leave boyfriend a lone. He killed Phineus because Phineus was about to kill you. Saved your fucking life.

Just A Girl said...

I dreamed my boyfriend cheated on me (which is WAY less traumatic than killing your unicorn) and I woke up SUPER pissed. I was crabby with him all day. So I know how you feel.

longredcape said...

I am consistently amazed at your paint skillz. I drew a picture of a combination dinosaur + unicorn in Photoshop last week and it didn't look nearly as realistic. Pout.

Hater Von G said...

But at least you still have your pink triangle dress!

Mary said...

Your ability to express yourself through the medium of MS Paint is unrivaled.

Judearoo said...

And very vividly illustrated too.

That bastard.

That Kind of Girl said...

Dude, I've often said that women will never rule the world so long as we keep getting mad at people for stuff they do in dreams. That said, I'm still kind of pissed at my dad for making me carry two live lobsters in the live-lobster version of an egg-and-spoon race across the bottom of the ocean floor during one traumatic night in '05.

Miss Anarchy said...

I have dreams like that too where the fiance does something stupid and then I wake up at him mad in real life. But he doesn't get it like yours, so you are lucky, even though he DID kill Phineas.

Saadi said...

Awesome post!!! Phineus is a crazy cool name....two thumbs up!!

Wish I had more thumbs!

Saadi said...

Awesome post!!! Phineus is a crazy cool name....two thumbs up!!

Wish I had more thumbs!

PQ said...

Stupid boyfriends not being supportive when we're upset because of bad things they do in our dreams.

CINDERELLA said...

this is awesome. i will have to experiment with picture drawing when i wake up angry at someone for something they didn't really do but i don't know how to let go of it.

and by the way, i absolutely love your blog. just sayin'.

Just.Kate said...

He is graceful even in bashed-in, sworded death.

*tear*

Hipstercrite said...

Your wit never ceases to amaze me.
Another good one!

Dani said...

*phew* At least he didn't take out Phineus' kidney.

Jen said...

I once had a dream like that. Not about a unicorn but my husband did something wrong and I couldn't talk to him for three days. If I recall correctly it had something to do with Barbra Streisand.

Megs said...

I dreamed once I caught my husband cheating on me because I found another woman's shoes in my closet. He told me it was because they were working on something for the church drama group.

When I woke up I told him, you don't even go to church! You've never been in a play!

And then I beat him with a shoe.

sparklegreen said...

aaaahahahahaha! that is so great.

Hovito89 said...

Ok so im now totally hooked and in love with your blog.. It's official. So don't stop now because it's too late, and withdrawl is a bitch. Seriously, please.. Life is too unstable for me to lose another love.. "Overdramatization..."?.. Maybe... Maybe not.. But please, don't test the theory.. Just keep writing. :)

Like now..

Write Something..

Like Now..

Martin said...

I'm dying here! Thanks for the laugh.

Martin

Salt said...

That drawing is EPIC. And also it made me feel very emotional.

Chris said...

Oh I haven't laughed this hard all day. As always your drawings are awesome.

birdykins said...

Bahahhaa. I can't believe it. He didn't even say he was sorry for the dream-him.

This used to happen to me all the time. Waking up and being pissed off because of a dream. Sometimes you don't even remember why, so you just punch them in the arm and then pretend you are sleeping.

Emma Cook said...

I just found your blog and died laughing at this conversation! Your boyfriend should have said sorry!

LJP said...

Wahaaa!!!
I think you're right. Logic just doesn't come into it. He should have said "I'm sorry I killed your imaginary pet unicorn that doesn't really exist and I'll never do it again."

LynnBabii said...

haha. i loved the picture. i read everything then when i got to the picture i just burst out laughing. haha. i was having the worst day and you just made it the best! =D lol.

lonewolfrepose said...

I see another supporter of Unicorns.
I like your sense of humor because it's just like mine except just not as awesome. That's OK though because I don't find many blogs that I like. Sooo you did good.

PS. Unicorns fucking rock.

polarbee said...

I showed your blog to my husband and he just sighed and said he really understood what your boyfriend goes through. I'm not sure if that is suspicious or awesome. Maybe awesome.

Anonymous said...

Lol, I had a dream like this once, except my boyfriend ended up killing my vampire. Lol. I woke up totally pissed at him and remained for the rest of the day.

Samantha said...

I once had a dream that I punched one of my friends in the face for no reason. I apologized to him the next day. I felt super bad about it.

Anonymous said...

I have been forever scared by the horror that is a overly-dramatized unicorn slaying. Poor Phineus.

Larissa said...

Maybe he was jealous that you paid more attention to the unicorn than him?