Spiders are Scary. It's Okay to be Afraid of Them. *UPDATED*

I'm fighting a war.  A war against spiders.  Every night before bed, I check my sheets for them, shoe in hand, ready to brutally end their lives with way more force than necessary.  Sometimes I find one and even if I kill it, I still can't go to sleep because it confirmed my fear that sometimes there are spiders waiting in my bed for me.

I used to pretend that I wasn't afraid of spiders.  It made me feel cool - like I was braver than most people.  If someone called me on my bluff and asked me to dispose of a spider, I would put on my battle-face and do my best to get rid of it without letting the panic bubble to the surface.

I don't pretend anymore.


I HATE spiders.   Spiders are like little pieces of death wrapped in scary.  Even if a spider was like


I'd be all


Sometimes when I express the hatred and fear I feel when I think of spiders, someone will be like "But spiders have families too!!"  Like somehow that will make me become sympathetic and understanding toward spiders.  But that's exactly the point.  Spiders have families and their families are also spiders.  We should kill spiders because they have families.  


When I was younger, my mom would say "Sweetie, don't be afraid.  You are way bigger than a spider." Well guess what, mom?  I'm bigger than a grenade too.  Were you trying to raise me to be some sort of unconquerable war-machine that isn't even afraid of grenades?  If you were trying to do that, you failed.  I'm afraid of a lot of things that are smaller than me - like bees and wolverines and centipedes.  I'm even kind of afraid of ants a little bit. 


Spiders are fucking scary.  That is a universal truth.  I don't know why.  I don't need to know why.  All I know is that when this:

comes crawling across the floor at me, my brain interprets it like this:


That is a spider with a swastika and the words "I KILL YOU" carved into its flesh and it has knives and guns strapped to its legs.  That's how scary spiders are.   


P.S.  I just saw a spider on my stairs and I tried to squish it but I missed and now I can't find it.  

UPDATE:  Remember how I was like "P.S. There was a spider on my stairs and I tried to squish it, but no"?   IT WAS ON ME.  At least I think it was the same spider.  Maybe it was just a part of the other spider's clone army.  I don't know.  The point is that I was like "happyhappyunaware" and then I looked down and there was a big, black spider crawling on the couch next to me and I ran away yelling "getitgetitgetit!!!" because I'm super brave.  Then Boyfriend was like "I know what would be a good idea!  I should try to stab the spider with my knife!" and he pulled out his pocket knife and tried to stab the spider and he missed and the spider ran away and now there's a fucking spider in my couch.  

UPDATE:  Okay, this spider is a survivor.  First, it escaped being crushed by me on the stairs.  Then it got away when boyfriend was trying to stab it with a pocket knife and it ran behind the couch.  Tip: don't try to stab spiders - squish instead:


Boyfriend and I tore the room up looking for it and we couldn't find it.  Then, I looked up above me and there it was.  On the ceiling.  In a completely unreachable spot.  

UPDATE:  Now it has a friend. 

UPDATE:  Boyfriend just killed the spider's friend using a box of Samoas© Girl Scout cookies.  



The original spider is still too high to reach.  (You're welcome for the free advertising, Samoas©)

UPDATE:  The spider has been slain.  It was an epic battle.  First, I made a spider-free island in the middle of the living room where I could watch the action while still being reasonably sure that I would not become part of it.  Then Boyfriend made a long, poke-y weapon and he climbed up behind the couch and went in for the kill.  The spider did not die easily and its death will probably be avenged in some fashion by its clone army, but for now it is gone.  

111 comments:

Kim said...

Sometimes I forget that you're a real human. I imagine this cartoony girl walking around in the real world.

Gigi said...

Ummm Allie? Totally feel the same way about frogs! Can't stand them and if I could find a way to rid the world of them I would.

Also? Already voted and will vote again! You deserve a million dollars (especially if you will share!)

Christina In Wonderland said...

I too hate spiders. I once saw a transparent one (I'm not joking) jump out at me with a machete while I was in the shower.

Suffice it to say I did not finish showering... and I may have blown the top of the house off with my loud screams.

And I can't remember if I got to murder the spider or not. I'm trying to repress.

Barbara said...

Voted for you! You'll be champion of the internet soon!

Melissa's Espresso Shot said...

There is something I find much scarier than spiders...scorpions! They even look menacing with their stinger and their claws.

I voted for you! That's my good deed for the day. You can infer from this that I don't really do many good deeds if I consider voting for an interview a good deed.

Tony said...

I voted for you! And I also voted that spiders and anything that has more than six legs should die.

Duncan (aka Boyfriend) said...

That drawing of you squishing the innocent spider at the top is one of the saddest things I have ever seen! That little guy is so cute! I wouldn't squish him if he looked like that.

Unless it was just acting and it really looked like the last spider you drew. Then fuck'm.

Tracy said...

Oh, I hate it when people say "You're bigger than they are." That's almost as bad as "They're more afraid of you than you are of them."

We occasionally see spiders in our house, but more often we see earwigs (which just look like they're carrying weapons in their little mouths) or these monstrous prehistoric-looking millipede things that creep me out so bad I literally get chills.

Allie said...

omg. spiders are my one and only fear. i don't know if you've ever seen that movie with the giant spider-like ants (i think it's called "them!"), but it pretty much scarred me for life and i think spiders should be exterminated.

clay said...

I've tried to comment 3 times. Something about baby handicapped spiders bla bla bla. You're funny is what I'm saying. I like you. I'm sure you're very excited. You came highly recommended. I see why. I'm going to hit the button again. You should have heard what I was going to say. You would have remembered it forever.

Holly Renee said...

My husband told me that spiders look scary to us because it is an instinctual thing. Our brain's tell us to stay away so we don't get bitten and sick. I don't know if it's true but it sounds good. Spiders are scary!

Rachelle said...

You missed squishing a spider on the stairs, you say? Then lost track of it?

Dude, you're screwed now.

It knows you hate it, and would like to kill it, so right now, at this very moment, it's hatching a plan to crawl up your nose in the middle of the night, to lay it's eggs in your brain.

IN YOUR BRAIN.

I recommend plugging up all of your orifices with rags soaked in gasoline. That way, in the night, if you wake up and it's on you, you just need to light whichever rag it's crawling on ablaze, and kill the bastard.

Sure, you might end up missing a nostril (or something), but you won't have spiders crawling around IN YOUR BRAIN.

Epic win!

Travis said...

Spiders are tiny furry bastard nazi ninjas.

So yeah. You pretty much nailed it in that drawing.

Anytime you wanna start the resistance, you let me know. I also have a chainsaw.

inflammatory writ said...

I am not afraid of spiders unless they're big. Little ones don't bother me.

Cockroaches, on the other hand, are a totally different story. I turn into a screaming idiot when I see them.

Ms. Manda said...

I HATE spiders too. I see them the same way; guns and knives strapped to their little fury legs. EEWwWEESSS!!

I just started reading your blog and love all the visual aids. :)

Cheers

MauraLessa said...

Oh noes! I'm totally the one who gave you the one thumbs down BY ACCIDENT. I was reading on my iPhone and I tried to hit the THUMBS fucking UP and my damn phone thought I picked thumbs down. Or else my phone has a soft spot for spiders and overrode my decision. In that case we should all be afraid of iPhones joining up with spiders and taking over the world. Because they out number us. In any event, I will vote again tomorrow... Using a real computer.

CherBearBlue said...

I always knew those fuckers were anti-semetic. No wonder I don't feel bad squishing their guts out.

Simone Says... said...

did anyone read ever "Charlotte's Web"? i think there would be less spider hate if everyone took a moment to recall the beautiful story about Charlotte's compassion. She saved Wilbur's fat ass. i don't take any chances killing spiders - it might save someone's life one day. as long as they aren't hairy (friggin EW!), i don't mind spiders. i'll still give a thumbs up vote because you deserve it.

*uncorked said...

Spiders freak me out. No doubt. But even worse than spiders are crunchy bugs. Those bugs that you can actually hear die when you crush them. Ugh, vomit just thinking about it.

*uncorked said...

Also, ants are scary. I was banned from the backyard when I was young because I used to have crazy nightmares about little red ants crawling all over me. Fuck, now the nightmares are coming too. You really bring out the best in me. Carry on.

Johana Hill said...

I always hesitate when I see spiders. I don't know why. But 'roaches? That's a different story. I'll find something to squash it dead with! I also use Lysol for any insects that cross my path! Buwahahaha...

Nova said...

I don't feel the terror caused by spiders really. I think they're actually qutie adorable. Haha I even own a pet tarantula. Her name is Sparkles and she's the sweetest thing ever. Plus she's fuzzy and I like fuzzy things.

Emus on the other...those bastards should become extinct already!!!

KAShoup said...

THERE WAS A SPIDER ON YOU?!?! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG I was like super afraid of spiders cus i thot they would see me then call thier big brother who's like 5 feet tall! and then it would sneak up on me when i was in bed and then wrap me up in some kinda psycotic cacoon and bite me and eat me slowly..... crap now im afraid of spiders again!

Mainland Streel said...

When I was a kid, there were these freaking huge spiders (bodies as big as quarters) on our house, and my sister and I would spray them with hairspray, then light them on fire. It felt good to hear them "scream." You should try it sometime. :)

This was hilarious, and made me feel better about my phobia. :)

WannabeVirginia W. said...

You rock! Spiders don't!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

P.s.

Every time a mommy spider is killed a baby spider is saying "Mommy, mommy?"

Jus sayin.

miss. chief said...

Hm yeah, I'm still in the "pretend spiders aren't scary to look tough" stage of my spider-human relations program. Unless their bodies are bigger than a dime. Then FUCK THAT I'M GOING TO DIE!

I read somewhere (i.e. the internet, probably) that we feel so afraid of spiders even though they're so small because our lizard brain is like "holy shit, that's some insane fucking hunter coming at you" because spiders are basically the scariest hunters alive and so yeah...imagine if they were cat-sized? We would all be dead times a thousand.

Anyway, in conclusion, it's ok to be scared because science says so.

~fin~

EndlessMemories said...

*phew* it's okay to be afraid of spiders. That is such a relief because I am afraid. I'm really afraid of spiders. Whenever I see one I give this shrieking ear-piercing scream and whoever is around me is like "Okay, where is the spider?" Like I'm over-reacting or something...

Jeesh. Thank you for understanding!
~Lily

Assertive Wit said...

ahahahahahha my daughters father is TERRIFIED of spiders and any other bug that can crawl on him. we have a pact; if I kill ALL the insects that are waiting to kill him, he'll take out the trash.

mikey said...

You squish spiders? Amateur!

I moved to friggin' Alaska just to get away from snakes.

mikey said...

You squish spiders? Amateur!

I moved to friggin' Alaska just to get away from snakes.

VV said...

you know, i'm more a catch and release kind of girl. but if a nazi spider came at me i'd get ninja on his ass!

Meat Sweats said...

Just started reading a while ago and I love your blog! I am totally with you on the spiders, but my biggest fear is ticks - creepy little blood suckers.

Also, I just bought a Shark Bear t-shirt. Now, when I go to the beach next month, that will protect me from sharks, right?

Blaise said...

Ugh... when I was about 10, I was pulling my nightgown on over my head, and opened my eyes about halfway through to see a HUMONGOUS spider inside of it, inches from my face. I screamed bloody murder and threw the nightgown across the room. My mom freaked out because she thought I was dying until she realized why I was hyperventilating. Then she told me to stop being such a baby.

Heather Howell said...

I want a "love me" spider hoodie!! He's adorable! I know that's not really what you were going for but he's cute! And I hate spiders!!!

Kate said...

I can deal with spiders as long as they aren't bigger than my hand (then they go into hellbeast territory) but I get freaked out by lobsters and crabs.

Love your blog, btw!

Sarah said...

We had a bat in our couch once.
Maybe I should blog about that.

I used to be all independent-feminist-awesome-conquerer-of-all-smaller-critters, but inside, I was torn apart.

Hubby is in charge of all non-pet creatures now. I don't feel the overwhelming need to be an independent woman when it comes to scary fucking creepy-crawlies.

I feel like I haven't left you a 10-paragraph comment in a really long time. Even though I left, like, a bajillion comments today because your interview tipped me off to read way back, I still feel like I should give you a longer comment here.

You know why? Because I'm the mom, that's why.

I always thought I'd get that argument when I was a mom, but you know what? It still doesn't make any fucking sense.

Peace out.

Stormy Cruz said...

Oh my God, chica.
Listen, I have to tell you something:
At least you don't have COCKROACHES.
I live in South Florida (have my whole life), thus I feel qualified to say that THEY ARE EVERYWHERE HERE.
And they're TERRIFYING. (Sorry for all the Caps Lock stuff; I feel it's the only way to effectively express my terror.)
Seriously, though.
Holy shit.
Once IN THE SHOWER.
Another time IN MY SHIRT WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!!!
I'll NEVER be the same again.
Another thing?
THEY FUCKING FLY!!!

...That was exhausting. That's all for now.

Melinda Hasty said...

It is true that spiders are creepy but they are also awesome! OK, I didn't always look at them this way. My 4 yr old informed me that I shouldn't knock down their webs in his room because "they catch mosquitos that would otherwise bite me". True dat. Spiders do, in fact, rock. Let'm live.

michelle said...

Grasshoppers are the scariest bug alive. They jump in any direction at any time... Just thinking about it gives me the creeps.

Love your drawings by the way! You are super hysterical.

ankitakatiyar said...

I hate LIZARDS!! They are totally creepy and yucky!! :P
Will you fight a war against them for me?? I'm super scared of even going anywhere in their 10 feet range!

Casey said...

My hubby and you should be scaredy spider buddies. He preety much turns into a girl when he sees one.

Ed said...

I hate spiders.

I even had a hard time reading this.

And when I got to your pictures, I threw my laptop on the ground and stomped on it.

Totally killed the spiders.

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Eew, spiders. I tried to make myself think they were cool, but really they are gross, especially the water spiders that crawl up from the shower drain. Those spiders? Are pure evil.

Eeeew.

Harini said...

I am nt afraid of spiders. I actually touch them and catch them :P. I am afraid of lizards and you have to see how ugly they are... you would hate them too.

juskaulani said...

To much work for one spider. x.x

ebal.raen said...

You know what?

I think all bugs are creepy. Even the dung beetle.
Why the hell would you collect shits from other animal?
I just don't get it.

Anyway spiders are very dangerous. In fact, mostly, people died because they actually are too lazy to check their bed before they sleep and got stung by a black widow, and died. Leaving his/her partner as a widow.

That's is too sad and/or bad.

I've voted for you. But I don't think if I clicked the right button. I can't seem to find which is the correct button, the are only palms with no thumbs. Are those hands impaired? Poor them.

Oh, and I actually really ADORE your blog and stories for they're SO COOL and AWESOME!
And your diagrams/drawing are very informative and helpful, partly because they are so colourful.
I like colours. Especially black and white. And red too. I also like bright yellow. And orange. Oh and blue, because I like the sea. But I maybe hate blue if they are any blue spiders. Oh well, just hope they don't creep on me, then I will love blue till the day I die.

Buhbye~~

ebal.raen said...

P/s : I am very sorry if I ACCIDENTLY mistaken your comment section as my personal blog.

Love ya, your Boyfriend (I like his voice), your bears, and Spaghatta Nadle! Buhbye (again)...

lintilla said...

WARNING: DO NOT MOVE TO AUSTRALIA OR THIS MIGHT HAPPEN TO YOU

ALSO ONCE THERE WAS A FUNNEL WEB (DEADLIEST SPIDER EVAR) IN MY ROOM AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT WAS AND WE JUST TOOK IT OUTSIDE IN A DRINKING GLASS. KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW, I WOULD HAVE THROWN A SHOE AT IT.

Mel said...

That was epic. I'm glad your adventure had a happy ending. And boyfriend sounds like a real keeper. Spider-stabbing ability is an important trait to look for in a man.

You're hilarious!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

When I was a kid I somehow convinced myself that everytime I did something bad, I saw a spider. So I started being good. Spiders did my parents a great service. F#ck*ng spiders.

King of Fools said...

I was pretty impressed when my brother killed a HUGE hairy brown spider with a blow dart gun. Little tiny needle + HUGE hair brown spider = DEATH. We left it stabbed into the carpet as a ward to scare off the other spiders... until mom insisted we remove it. I had a strange childhood.

meandthebee said...

OMG! i totally have a rougue (sp?)spider living under my bed. it was attached to my bathrobe, which means it was like *THIS CLOSE* to my bare flesh for god only knows how long, until it dropped from my robe onto my foot when i went into the bedroom. it was ENORMOUS and made that bone-chilling *click* sound when it dropped and then it proceeded to crawl under my bed so it could continue to have control over me in my sleep.
so yeah, this spider is definitely gonna kill me. probably while im sleeping so i wont even have a chance to defend myself.
spiders are jerks. scary jerks.
ALSO - i totally voted for you bc i think you are brilliant and i would be lying if i said that i wasn't more than a little jealous of you and your skillz bc, i also started my blog back in July and i usually average about 20 hits a day which is like 10s of THOUSANDS less than you (but who's counting?) but you are clearly made of awesome so it actually makes total sense.
i think this comment might constitute as some form of psycho-stalking so im just gonna go now but, like any good stalker,
ill be back
moooooohaha!

skywalkstalker said...

I'm also terrified of spiders and yes, I used to try to act all tough and brave like you did. Until I became wise and realized I should be deathly afraid of them.

My one story of spiders is I was driving down the highway through some major construction and a spider dropped down from the visor. Yeah, I almost crashed the car into the barrier. I called my husband (then boyfriend) bawling telling him to come get me so I wouldn't have to drive this car home. Problem was he didn't have a car to come get me.

Ireland said...

spiders are evil and completely hideous. plus, they have the unfair advantage of being super-ninjas.

one second, they're on the wall across the room; and the next thing you know, they're running across the floor-full speed ahead- coming right at you.

its flippin scary.

I once saw a spider that looked like a booger. it was trying to be all innocent and bend in, but I saw it and kept an eye on it so it wouldn't make any sudden movements and try to kill me or something.

I even wrote a post about it...
http://irelandsavage.blogspot.com/2010/02/dread-booger-spider-heffalump-and.html

terryn said...

I HATE SPIDERS! AND ANTS! Mainly ants. Ants are sneakier. But spiders are scarier.
Last summer my friend and I were on the way to the lake, and we had to stop to pick up another friend. When we got to her house, I saw a HUGE (I mean HAIRY HUGE) spider fall from the visor, right in front of my face and onto the seat I was sitting in. I screamed OMG THERES A HUGE SPIDER! OMG OMG AHHH! Before the car stopped I opened the door and jumped out, and started jumping all over the place and patting my body. And so did Jessie, the driver. She didn't put it in park and the car started rolling forward, and so we started screaming again! Then she jumped in the car and stopped it. THEN! We saw the spider creep into a little hole by the radio, and we couldn't find it. We thought the heat from the engine (the heat in general...we're in TX.) would kill it. On the way home from the lake, and almost to my house, the spider appears again on the windshield. We both start screaming and the car is going all over the place, and we pull into a parking lot. We started spraying it with sunscreen to stunt it..or something. Then it went by the visor and we smooshed the visor into the spider. This took like 20 minutes, and I'm pretty sure the construction workers in the parking lot thought we were insane. But, woo! Victory!

Moooooog35 said...

You realize you have to cut off their spider head or else you get spider zombies who are WAY more dangerous and may or may not smell like Gary Busey.

Thought you were scared BEFORE? Wait till zombie Gary Busey spider comes for you.

Date Girl said...

409 All Purpose Cleaner is your friend in the killing spiders mission. That shit kills them good! The best part is that you can put the 409 on the "stream" setting and shoot them from afar! It would have worked perfectly for the one on the ceiling that you couldn't get.

Try it!

Someone should invent a spider killing utility belt and a bottle of 409 better be on it!

Cris said...

Ok, Allie, check this shit out:

Our office is in this creepy-ass temporary space with this sewer-dungeon "bathroom" and there are these...things...down there. I'm afraid to pee at work. Sometimes I go to another building just so I don't wet myself.
Look at it! *runs away screaming*

http://images.flowers.vg/1024x768/sow-bug.jpg

amanda said...

I hate when you step on a spider and a million baby spiders jump off and swarm you. Then you have to do the baby spider killing dance, where you jump and down and spin in circles trying to kill all of them before they crawl up your leg. I HATE spiders. They are evil no matter how tiny they are.I don't need them to kill other bugs.I will kill those bugs too if needed.

Toe said...

I keep telling the Hubs there's a spider city between the bathroom sink cabinet and the wall where it's all dark and you can't see. That's where we see the most spiders anyway and he's all there's no city of spiders. But when I killed one another came looking for it, so that just proves my point, they were on a recovery mission.

Tracy said...

Do not google camel spiders. You will never sleep again, I promise you.

Just don't.

And if you do, you can't say I didn't warn you.

Jennifer McLean said...

I'm afraid of spiders and not ashamed to admit it. Reading your latest post was a traumatic experience. My dedication to your hilarity shows here. Damn girl, YOUR humor outstrips SPIDER FEAR!! Holy Shit!! I wouldn't have thought that possible.

I'll vote 'cause you rock. Can we move to another subject though?? Purty please? Oh, and give boyfriend a kiss for all or us irrational people who couldn't think of GOING AFTER a spider just to make our significant other safer. Boyfriend rocks too. He should get spider killer hero sex. I'm just sayin'.

Alice said...

i don't particularly LIKE spiders (and i'm allergic to their bites. did you know they bite? i'm here to help!) but i like them a whole lot better than i like motherfucking spider crickets. those things are like spiders on crack.

Shana said...

I don't like spiders either. Someone sent me a video once of a wolf spider and I had nightmares. Dear Abby today is about a woman who is afraid of spiders bought her husband a tarantula as a pet. That woman is stupid.

Dyinetch said...

What if that spider was supposed to give Boyfriend superpowers? Like spiderman-like superpowers? Awww... just kidding.

I voted for you. Yay!

Jay Ferris said...

I tend to encounter the most spiders in my dreams, which if you think about it is kind of worst-case scenario. Nowhere to run, and those fuzzy little bastards have the fear advantage in their corner. I think my only plausible course of action is to spring for that set of CD's on lucid dreaming and transform my dream self into a spider-slaying, fire-breathing unicorn.

Just.Kate said...

Did you know that killing a species on the top of the food chain blahblahblah imbalance blah more prey species blahblah opens door for worse predators.

Don't say I didn't blah you.

Oh, I love the rainbow-of-death. My boyfriend told me about getting attached to his grandparents' pigs, and then they were slaughtered. I cry sometimes when I'm alone and I think of the pigs bleeding to death.

I'll bet if I imagine them with smiley sunshines...

No. Nope, that's just creepy.

vicki christine said...

Ah! I totally had the craziest dream ALL about spiders last night. I killed one and another one would show up. Weirdest part, I wasn't creeped out.

Awesome post.

Lori said...

You know what I find to be super effective in spider warfare? Those long lighters with triggers that you're supposed to use to light bbqs and stuff but you really use to light candles? I torch the spiders. Just be careful... cause once I accidentally killed a spider in bed and almost caught my bed on fire. Not so fun.

Lori said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
khelsaoe said...

Brilliant.

Tina said...

I dislike all spiders, but bathroom spiders (especially shower spiders) are the worst.

Congrats on your successful spider slaying!

The Kid In The Front Row said...

poor spiders!

Krista said...

I watched Arachnaphibia once when I was 11 and I NEVER FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT SPIDERS AGAIN. EVER. Also, one time when I was in college I woke up to a tickle on my face. I got up and turned on the light, only to discover that the tickle was a SPIDER that had CRAWLED ACROSS MY FACE in my sleep. Eww.

Jasmine said...

It won't let me vote again! Why, God, WHY?!

Nush said...

My 8 year old son thought this was really funny. Of course I had to cover the f-words. But the mean spider with the weapons was his fave.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

I "dug" this, so I encourage all others to do the same. I think all of the Internet can relate to this.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with your fear. Have you ever seen a camel spider? Just google image it and you'll cry in a fetus position.

Erin F. said...

Ok, so I have an epic spider battle story too. I was laying in bed and felt something on my leg. Half asleep, I swiped at it. It wasn't just a leg tickle because it bit me. Turns out to be a (huge in my opinion) spider. I threw my pillow across the room and then went searching for it. It hid under my pillow then ran and hid in the furthest corner of my desk where I couldn't reach it! I finally got a bottle of 409 and squashed the shit out of that asshole spider. TRIUMPH! My new arch enemies are centipedes...

Anonymous said...

Spiders are super sneaky.
I saw one in my car on the window on the inside, and as soon as I opened the window to try and flick it out, it disappeared into the little crevice where the window comes out of. I waited for it to come out. And waited. Finally, I was about to get out of the car and saw the spider right there. On the other side. At the closest point to my head, right next to my ear. It had been there watching me silently mocking me as I sat there, captivated by it's power.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I have to say that I'm very upset. As I've said before, I love spiders. I even name them and forbid anyone in the house to touch them. HEAVY SIGH.

As an aside, my husband hates earwigs (so do I, but I won't kill them), and he takes them and paints them with white-out...you might want to try that next time.

Mrs. Asher said...

Centipedes are WAY scarier than spiders. WAY. SCARIER. They make me want to be dead. Or homeless. One of the two.

CourtC777 said...

Ants are waaay worse I learned today. To contribute to your nightmares: http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic/64616/fuck-ants/40

Motzo said...

Let's say you absolutely love cats- they're the most fascinating and wonderful creatures you know. You spend your time playing with them, you feed them, and you devote a good portion of your time to simply watching them. One day you notice a happy little cat walking along its merry path and somebody STEPS ON IT.
And you realize that, outside in the real world, everyone hates cats and steps on them. Every day thousands of cats die just because they are commonly feared and hated.

Now replace the word 'cat' with 'spider' and you see how those of us who fancy spiders feel.

Anonymous said...

In almost all cases, spiders only bite you if you roll on them in your sleep. They wont fuck with you at all in any other case. You benefit from their existence, because of all the bugs they eat, that would otherwise bite you for your delicious blood.
SPIDERS ARE THE SHIT AND ITS FUN AND TICKLY WHEN THEY WALK AROUND ON YOU.
watch out for the painfully venomous ones though.

knitsbyninja said...

Technially, women are genetically engineered to hate creepy crawly things. It's not you, it's your genes.

Lauren said...

Why do you have so many spiders in your house!?

My childhood home used to have TONS of spiders because they had come with us from our previous spider-infested house in the moving boxes. Horrible.

My dad used to put me on cobweb-busting duty. And then he and my brother would laugh at my hysterics.
<3 family.

.....

Samuel Contreraz said...

You know; I haven't really had too many problems with spiders. I have, however had the same problem with a mosquito. He was flushed down the toilet and he came back. HE CAME BACK FOR ME! I was so freaked. He knew where i lived and he wanted me dead. I'll have to tell you the whole story some other time, but the mosquito wanted me dead.

Jessica said...

I just found your blog. Excellent.
I'm the same way about spiders, but have a system to repel them(in my head this works...) when I successfully squish one (few and far between as typically I'm as far away as possible, but occasionally when I'm backed into a corner I have to just throw something at it and make a run for it and do hit one) I leave bits of it on the wall/ceiling/whatever to warn the other spiders that I will kick their asses. They don't have to know that they scare the shit out of me, they can just think in their nasty spider brains that I am a ruthless spider killer.

archphoenix said...

You know what I do when I see a spider and I can't get to it fast enough and then it runs and hides like the evil bastard it is? I get out the vacuum with the long extension wand and I suck everywhere it could be. Those bitches get sucked up and then I WIN!

(Great blog!)

Anonymous said...

You're freaking awesome. I hate when people are all... "wahhh, don't kill spiders, they are living beings." BS! Spiders are freaking scary and I kill them before they can kill me. So grats to you for getting this out there. Keep up the good work!

~Spider Assassin~

Hubris said...

The only reason spiders are saved from my wrath in my home is because spiders & cockroaches do not share space. Spiders present = no roaches. sold.

Stoney said...

I have a back yard full of redback spiders. Wanna come and play at my house? I love it when they have hundreds of baby redbacks. You know they eat big fluffy Huntsmen spiders? Roar!

MissusDe said...

I decided long ago that this is what the hose attachment on the vacuum is for, since I am physically unable to squish anything. The thought of it just gives me the willies.

I once went to start the shower (one of those tub/shower combos), and after I'd adjusted the water temperature, I reached up to aim the shower head away so the floor wouldn't get wet. I froze when I realized that on the wall next to my hand was a WOLF SPIDER. Those things are, in my mind, only slightly smaller than a tarantula - and they are evil and hairy and want to feast on my flesh. I yelled for my son to bring me the vacuum and I schlucked that thing right into oblivion.

Out of sight, out of mind!

Ian Alexander said...

You have the coolest blog I've ever read.

Anonymous said...

I agree with this, spiders are indeed scary. I've seen them jump from the ceiling right at someone. I've seen them descend from the ceiling on a web till they're hanging right in front of your face. I've rolled over hand had a spider right on my pillow with it's front legs up like it was getting ready to bite, I've had a spider crawl out between my wall and my bed only when it was dark, so when my parents turned on the light to look they thought i was lying at least till i got up the nerve to kill it myself and prove i wasn't, still it was STALKING me in the DARK!!

And the worst experience I've had with them was one i found in the driveway, it was HUGE!! and when I stomped on it did it die? no way, instead hundreads of baby spiders came bursting out. they were everywere *shudders*

Alicia said...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE THAT BELIEVES THAT SPIDERS HAVE OTHER SPIDERS AVENGE THEM WHEN THEY ARE KILLED! I thought it was only me. I now catch them in a glass, which merits even more panic than killing them (ohmygod ew ew ew ew ew AHHHHHHH ITS MOVING IN THE GLASS AND I SEE IT AND ONLY GLASS SEPARATES US). But I try to bargain with captive spider that it will live as long as it doesn't send its clones after me. Whew. I am not alone.

Dee said...

My old roommate is also terrified of spiders. One day she managed to kill one that was on the wall. She then left it there, in all it's squished spider glory. When I asked her if she wanted me to clean it up, she said no. She was leaving him there to warn the others.

Emmy T said...

I always think of how it is bad luck to kill a spider in the house, and that helps me to trap and release. Maybe that would help?

J said...

This is really hilarious! I feel exactly the same way except that you say it SO much better than I ever could, thank you!

LC said...

Two days ago, I pulled on my pants. Out of the bottom of the leg, came a spider. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! My friend sent me the link to this page. Thanks for knowing my pain.

Medium2 said...

Hi! I'm 65 years old and I have looked at Spiders exactly the same way you do, and what's worse, I live in South Australia where the spiders are freaking HUGE!
(Vomit now)
Cheers, Framton

Anonymous said...

roflspiders

LexieDi said...

I can't kill spiders. I can't. I can't kill anything really.

Well, I need to amend that. I can kill things that can hurt me. I live in Southern California... black widow spiders are everywhere here. Those, I can kill.

However, most spiders I catch (in a cup) and bring outside, using my set-the-cup-down-tip-it-over-and-run-like-crazy-the-cup-can-wait-until-tomorrow release plan.

Also- I don't understand what's so scary about hairy legs. I HATE the shiny, glossy spiders with long, spindly legs. They run faster than hairy ones! Tarantulas go slow!

-LexieDi

marinda said...

hee hee, just catching up with this one now. I actually love spiders, but laughed anyway. It's a relief to know I don't identify with EVERY post, that would be creepy.

Anonymous said...

If at all possible, could you explain in detail how to make the spider vanquishing weapon? I have one that chases me around the house. Fred- not unlike Freddy Kruger- has been gooshed or killed some other way a whopping 19 times. It's only ever one spider, who looks exactly the same as the one previous, a few weeks or months apart. I'm ready to call an exorcist, but I'd like to try your methods first. Thanks in advance :)

BC said...

Reading this is like reading my own thoughts. I too have found the sneaky little bastards hiding in bed linens, etc. In fact, I recently killed a big hairy one under the toilet seat! Think about that one & see if you don't get nightmares. The only thing worse than seeing a spider is seeing it, & then NOT seeing it! Many sleepless nights are caused by this - lol!

Leigh Averett said...

DUDE. Spiders. Are definitely the scariest things ever. Like I'm pretty sure God made them JUST to kill me in the worst possible fashion. (or at least be my mortal enemy. Yours too apparently?)

Anyways. After watching a Discovery channel program on spiders, I got to be more knowledgeable about them. I have this to say: They're only more creepy when you know them better.

AHL777 said...

I'm so terrified of spiders I can't even kill them. One day in my high school Non-Western Cultures class, we were all given a folded map. When I unfolded mine, the smallest spider I've ever seen started running around inside the map. I still screamed and threw the map on the floor in the middle of class.

Where_Am_I? said...

I was staying at a hotel in Indonesia when in the morning I saw a spider the size of the palm of my hand, on the wall. It was pulsing up and down, and looked evil. I got on the phone, while watching it, to get someone to come to my room to remove it. As I was about to hang up the phone, the spider suddenly leapt at me from the wall about six feet away. Stunned, I was able to bat it away using the phone I still had in my hand. It landed on the desk and immediately charged towards me. I dropped the phone and picked up my shoes, Florsheims - patent leather uppers, hard wood-based soles. This time The Terminator (as I later nicknamed this spider) leapt off the desk and I swung a shoe at him. He stayed on the shoe and as I dropped it, he went inside. I stamped on the shoe - too slow! Now he was on my leg and heading North. I bashed my leg with the other shoe and on the second stirke took off two or three legs, and he fell to the floor and scuttled under the bed. Angry, partly dressed, limping and bleeding from where I had hit myself with my shoe, I charged the bed and flipped it over like it was a toy. The Terminator tried to escape but four hard blows later, it was over.
At this point the housekeeping guys turned up at my door, and when I let them in, the scene of devastation in my room left them a little breathless.
As they cleaned up the body and re-made the bed, I heard one say to the other "It was only a baby".