Women Are Not Bears


I wrote something for Cracked.com today.

I originally intended it to be an advice piece about relationships and communication because that topic has mass appeal and I want to be famous, but no. My article turned out to be mostly about bears.

I wrote about bears because, as I was writing about relationships, I made a bear-related analogy and then it spiraled and the whole thing kind of became bear-themed and before I knew it, I was writing almost entirely about bears.

I'm probably not going to get famous by writing about why women are not like bears, but you never know. I like to think of it as niche-writing.

Anyway, if you want to read my article about why knowing how to tell the differences between women and bears could save your life, then go 
HERE
.

It's kind of about relationships, but it is mostly about bears.

If you suspect that you may have been exposed to a bear, please go to the hospital.

ALSO BEAR RELATED: Remember 
this?

EMERGENCY UPDATE: A few of you conveniently pointed out some common but often lethal misconceptions about bears:

Tim
 from infinitely funny blog
I'm Not Benny said: "Rosie O Donnell is kind of like a bear. I'm not saying she IS a bear, I'm just saying that there is something called electrolysis in the world and it's not beyond the realm of reason that she might actually be made out of bear. 


You know, originally.

So that's why I always ask women if they've had electrolysis. If they say yes I immediately start banging cooking pots together and screaming SHOO BEAR, SHOO!

Bears hate that shit.
"

Tim, you make a good point because Rosie O'Donell IS the most dangerous halfling shapeshifter there is, but I feel compelled to point out one fatal flaw in your logic: If you were able to successfully shoo the creature away by banging pots and pans, it most likely actually was Rosie O'Donell and NOT a bear. Unless it brutally maimed you and deflowered your skull before it left. Then it was probably a bear. But it could also have been Rosie O'Donell still. It's a fucked up world, Tim.

Carlston
from If Carlston Made Blogs (and let me tell you, if Carlston made blogs, they would probably be a lot like this one) said: "I always wondered why my dates kept eating entire tubes of toothpaste until I hid them up trees. Thanks for the insight, Allie"


Again, I feel the need to clarify. Carlston, your dates were most likely WOLVES and not bears. Bears don't give a fuck about toothpaste - they want your blood and there is nothing that can distract them from that ultimate goal.

It can be very difficult to tell what is truly a bear and what is merely a dangerous but not 100% fatal animal. It is very important to understand that if it is not actively destroying you, it is probably not a bear. Even if you think you are safe because you are on top of a mountain and you can see the bear lumbering around in the valley - that's not a bear. If it was a real bear, it would instantly teleport to your pathetic mountaintop and slaughter you without remorse. In fact, most modern-day images of bears are actually of Rosie O'Donell. She is much less aggressive and easier to photograph. It is difficult to say whether anyone has been able to successfully capture a bear on film, but my instincts say it is doubtful. The lack of photo evidence with which to identify bears makes them even more of a threat to your safety.

27 comments:

Sorcerer said...

women and bear!
well... some hug like them..
thank you for this awesome insight into the intricate mind of bear..err..woman.thank you

Homemaker Man said...

Was that a paid gig? Sweet. And funny.

Paul Blanchard said...

Excellent, this would have proved invaluable at what I thought was my wedding...

miss. chief said...

You're already famous. In my head.

dogimo said...

I've noticed that while a bear does shit in the woods, it won't ask you to stand lookout. True story!

miss. chief said...

Holy moly. Thanks to your article I now know that I'm being disemboweled by a velociraptor and not a bear, like I had originally thought. Thanks, Allie!!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I am so impressed by that article. It was really clever and hysterical and I have a burning fire of jealousy in the depth of my bowels, but mostly I'm really impressed.

Nikole said...

You could also present the woman/bear with an adorable kitten. If the kitten lives more than 5 seconds, it is definitely NOT a bear. But not necessarily a woman..keep working. Maybe we can get there by the process of elimination.

Imnotbenny said...

Rosie O Donnell is kind of like a bear. I'm not saying she IS a bear, I'm just saying that there is something called electrolysis in the world and it's not beyond the realm of reason that she might actually be made out of bear.

You know, originally.

So that's why I always ask women if they've had electrolysis. If they say yes I immediately start banging cooking pots together and screaming SHOO BEAR, SHOO!

Bears hate that shit.

Carlston said...

I always wondered why my dates kept eating entire tubes of toothpaste until I hid them up trees. Thanks for the insight Allie

yoli said...

nice blog

Allie said...

Sorcerer - if it wasn't for you, this topic may never have happened. You were the first one to ask me for advice, so you kind of kicked off the whole thing. Did you ever think it would go in this direction? I mean, did you ever think that asking me advice about women would eventually lead to me giving advice about bears? 



Homemaker Man - It will be if it gets selected by the editors to be paid. It's kind of one of those "write it for exposure, and if we really like it, we'll give you money" kind of deals. 



Paul - YOU MARRIED A BEAR? Classic mistake. 



miss. chief - Do I have my own star? If not, I'm not famous enough. Imagine me famouser. And I'm glad I could help you distinguish between different types of disembowelments. That's a valuable life skill to have.



Becky - That's how I feel when I read YOUR blog! It is extremely validating to know that you feel the same way about mine.



Nikole - that is a great method! And you're right - there's really no way to tell without just using trial and error. For all you know, I could be a bear. Let's hope that I'm not. 



Tim - Please see post. I have responded to you directly because you brought up an urgent point that the whole world could benefit from understanding.

Carlston - I have also responded to you directly. You have done a great service to mankind by pointing out this common mistake.



yoli - thanks!

JMH said...

I love the drawings. Can I order prints? I'll give you my credit card information.

I'm not proud of this, but after drinking all day in a rural dive bar, I accompanied a woman home who smelled very strongly of musky leaves and dead fish. My God, it was probably a drunken she-bear. That would explain the rough tongue. It's good I left the cave before dawn.

Amber said...

Dude, I'm actually really hoping that my husband at least sees the fiery bowels of hell when he looks in my eyes. Keeps him in line, you know?

Also, I'm really disappointed now because I had this great story about how there was a bear like thirty feet behind me once with no protection, but it wasn't really a bear because it didn't disembowel me or the deer that I was with. It only wanted fruit, so maybe it was a giant hedgehog? It sounds lame if there was a giant hedgehog sneaking up on me ...

Imnotbenny said...

So at first I was all "No way, I am totally correct and bears fear pots. Then I realized that, no, I was actually thinking about cougars. The kind of cougars that live in caves and eat hikers, not the kind of cougars that whore themselves out for cheesy reality shows.

I'm pretty sure I saw that on Macgyver, or possibly the Brady Bunch.

About the cougars.

The cave ones.

So there you go- either way, I am facing an unpleasant death:

1) I give the bear a headache because of my pot crashing, and he does unspeakable things to my skull without even buying me dinner and then kills me.

2) I give Rosie O Donnell a headache because of my pot crashing, and she beats me to death with the pots, but first I pee in my pants because I find her quite scary and unnecessarily screamy.

And so, in conclusion, I would like to thank you for possibly saving my life.

And my pants.

Kirsten said...

Did you draw those bears too?!
You are magical.

I think you might have to illustrate all your posts from now on because I am enjoying it too much.

The article was fabulous as well. I think I might give it to my boyfriend so when he gets mad at me I can be like hey at least I'm not a bear and then he'll realize how stupid he was being and buy me some pie to say sorry.

Allie said...

JMH - You were lucky to get out alive, man. That bear must have been above a 0.4 BAC to have not decapitated you mid-coitus (some bears will wait to destroy you until after you satisfy their sexual desires... they're like fucking mantises... and I mean that literally and figuratively). You bring up an important point in that alcohol may be able to save your life in a bear encounter. Was she drinking sheep's blood and gin? That would be typical. Anyway, I can email the pictures to you... or you can drag them to your desktop and print them from there. But you can give me your credit card number anyway. Just in case.

Amber - It may have been a black bear. Black bears are noticeably less attack-y than grizzly bears. I had an encounter with a black bear once too. Maybe I'll write about that sometime. I'm pretty sure I almost died.

Tim - Yes, it most definitely could have been a cougar, in either sense of the word. Both kinds of cougars are scared off by the clanging of pans. That can save your life in a bar AND in the forest. Oh, and I love the adjective "screamy." That is comedic genius right there.

Kirsten - Yes, I drew the bears. I would love to illustrate more posts because that means I get to draw more! I love drawing, but there are very few circumstances that require it anymore, so I rarely get the chance. But now I have a reason! Definitely show this to your boyfriend. It will be useful to him not only because it will put his whole life in perspective, but also because what if his boss is a bear? Or what if his mom is a bear? He needs to be educated so that he can be safe.

Emilianna said...

I just totally gave you an early christmas present and put you on the List of Notable People Living in Missoula, Montana on Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_from_Missoula,_Montana#Notable_resident

(It isn't illegal right?)

Rikki said...

Dude, you totally have a bear masquerading as "Amber" who says:

"Also, I'm really disappointed now because I had this great story about how there was a bear like thirty feet behind me once with no protection ..."

Why else would she need *birth control* unless she was a BEAR.

Freaky shit, man.

Allie said...

Emilianna- Holy shit. That is one of the single most awesome things anyone has ever done for me. I am going to use your selfless deed as an example of what it means to be committed to excellence.

Rikki - Oh my gosh! You're right! And I was going to go visit Amber the next time I was in Seattle. I will have to confront her about the possibility of her being bear before I even set foot in the State of Washington. Nice catch, Rikki.

Amber - Is there something you aren't telling me? Are you a BEAR?? Please respond.

Amber said...

Grrrrrowl!

Amber said...

Whoops! I have no idea where that came from, seriously!

Marvin the Martian said...

And the average bear is much more intelligent than Rosie. And easier to get along with. Ask Rosie's partner, who apparently moved out two YEARS ago but everything's fiiine between them she says. Mmmmhmmm. Sure.

Sorcerer said...

@allie
your words, made my haarttt (read heart..but did that for effect)skip a beat .

Yeah I hope you still remember the deal on the White house and the speech!!

Rachel said...

Bear 'scat' is also good indicator if you have a bear around. You might need to add a test to tell women, bears and cardboard bears apart. Cardboard bears look REALLY real.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlxi6Ec92kw

JMH said...

I thought it was a Bloody Mary. Do we pronounce mantises "mantisses" or mantissees?"

JMH said...

Missing left quotation mark there, I'm compulsive.