Lieutenant Horatio Cane from CSI: Miami Hates My Boobies


I stayed up until 4:00 AM last night for no reason.  I was doing so well with going to bed early, but then I just couldn’t control myself last night.  It’s like I binged on being awake and now I’m all hung-over and I just realized that my left breast is bigger than my right breast, so that’s weird. 

I came to that realization because I had to take off my clothes to take a shower this morning and I needed something to do while the hot water got going, so I looked at my boobies in the mirror. 

Remember when I said that I don’t like showering?  That’s because showering forces me to acknowledge my body and all of its flaws and also because my shower is in the upstairs bathroom which is one of the “non-heated rooms” in my house because remember how Boyfriend and I have blankets over all of our doorways because we can’t afford real heat?  This means that our living room is almost always nice and toasty but our bedroom and bathroom are cut off from the heat by the blankets so they just kind of settle to a temperature that is only marginally warmer than the temperature outside which might not be a bad thing if I lived in Hawaii, but I don’t live in Hawaii.  I live in Montana.

So basically, this is me taking a shower: 

I wait until my disgustingness outweighs my aversion to showering, then I walk upstairs and turn on the hot water.  Then I go do something else while the hot water gets going – like read or take a walk or look at my boobies in the mirror. 

If I make the unfortunate mistake of taking my clothes off before I turn on the water, I will have to wrap a towel around myself and sit on the toilet lid shivering violently because I don’t want to go retrieve my clothes from the hallway where I left them because that would mean that I’d have to move the box I put in front of the door to act as a barricade in the event of an attack by the killer from the movie Psycho and also I don't want to let the killer from Psycho in if he's already out there.

I continue to sit on the toilet and shiver and hate the hot water for taking so damn long and hate Boyfriend for never getting around to putting locks on the bathroom door because he doesn’t take my shower paranoia seriously and he thinks I can just get over it but he hasn’t seen Psycho and he doesn’t understand.

You know what?  I haven’t even seen Psycho either.  I just saw the previews on some ad for a late-night horror movie marathon and then made up the rest. 

Anyway, once the hot water gets going, I always feel like I am very near to actually being able to get in the shower, but I’m wrong.  I have to fiddle with the shower knobs until I get water that is not scalding but not prohibitively freezing to come out of the shower head.  This is nearly impossible. 

What usually ends up happening is that I spend five minutes hovering over the tub darting my hand through the stream of lava water to tap the cold water knob ever so gently and at first I think I’ve hit the sweet spot because the water-temperature becomes bearable for approximately three seconds before plunging into what can only be described as liquid ice.  Which should technically be just “water” but I assure you it is not.  My shower reinvented chemistry.  And when the water gets cold, I realize that I have tapped the cold water knob too far – which is depressing because I don’t think I am capable of the motor control necessary to tap it any more gently. 

So most of the time I just end up settling on whatever temperature would kill me the slowest.   I step into the ancient claw-foot tub, which is way too tall for someone of my stature and then I try to close the shower curtain because no matter how cold the water is, the ambient air temperature is always colder.   The only problem is that the shower curtain does not close very easily.  It wraps almost all the way around the tub, but comes up about three inches short.  The only way I can get it to close is to pull it inward and overlap it on itself which leaves me about four-square feet of space to move around in and if I go outside of my boundaries, I will be enveloped by the clammy, germ-infested shower curtain.  It kind of reminds me of the game “Operation.”  Do you remember that game?  It was the one that made you think you’d die if a surgeon ever touched the edge of your incision?  The one that made you think your organs were just random pink blobs floating around in your body, waiting to be removed through any one of several gaping holes that magically appeared on your body for no reason?  And somehow, you were lead to believe that if you successfully removed the heart, the spleen, the large intestine and the knee-cap, you win and the patient gets better even though in real life you’d probably be sued for malpractice and go to jail for manslaughter?  That game.  But instead of getting buzzed at when I fail to stay within the boundaries I am provided, I get slimed by the nasty shower curtain. 

Then I actually have to wash my hair.  Remember when I told you guys that the pesticides I accidentally drank that one time tasted like Sauve “Ocean Breeze” shampoo?  I know what Suave “Ocean Breeze” shampoo tastes like because I almost always get some of it in my mouth and/or eyes.  I try to close my mouth and eyes very tightly throughout the entire shampooing process, but invariably I am startled by something which I automatically assume is the killer from Psycho but which is probably just the shower curtain and I gasp and open my eyes and the shampoo goes in my eyes and mouth, blinding me against my potential attacker. 

So there I am, crouched in my battle stance, completely entangled in my nasty shower curtain, pawing at my eyes and drooling out soap suds, terrified that some fictional movie character from a movie that I haven’t even seen is going to stab me and I realize that I am just going to have to go through all of this again in a few days and suddenly life seems pointless and I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

And that’s not even counting the part where I have to get out of the shower. 

Getting out of the shower is also terrifying because one of these days I am going to slip when I’m stepping out of my awkwardly tall bathtub and hit my head on the towel rod and then I’ll be found naked in a pool of my own blood and Lieutenant Horatio Cane from CSI: Miami will be like “her left breast is larger than her right breast… what a freak!”  and then he’ll realize that he’s in Montana and technically that’s out of his jurisdiction so he’ll go back to Florida but not before he judges me for being misshapen.

If I manage to exit the shower without accidentally ending my life in a pool of blood and embarrassment, I have to put on lotion.  That might not sound so bad until you consider that my economy-sized bottle of Suave Cocoa Butter lotion has been sitting in a room where the air temperature is only marginally warmer than the air temperature outdoors, which, at this time of year, is usually about nine degrees Fahrenheit.  But I’m vain, so I’d rather coat my entire body in a layer of semi-solid lotion ice than risk looking scaly.

I don’t know what this particular lotion is made out of, but whatever it is, it is insoluble on skin.  Try as I might, I cannot rub it in.   Also, I think it’s magical and infinite.   I’ve been trying to use up this lotion for two and a half years now.  I made the mistake of buying it in the summer of 2007 and it has outlasted my best attempts at getting rid of it so that I can justify spending money on new lotion.  I use the lotion at every chance I get.  Door squeaking?  Coat the hinge with lotion.  Out of dish soap?  Maybe the lotion will work.   Probably not, but maybe.  I even set it out next to the bowl Halloween candy this year, hoping that some teenage hooligans would take it and use it to vandalize something.  Sadly, that never happened. 

Once I have covered myself with way too much lotion because maybe that will use it up faster but probably it won’t, I have to wash the lotion off my hands so that I don’t get it in my hair.

My sink has two faucets:  one of them makes lava water and the other one makes ice water.  They are not willing to compromise.  If I want to wash my hands, I have to turn both the faucets on and move my hands back and forth between them really fast before my nerves can pick up the sensation of burning or freezing.  To make it worse, the lotion is even less soluble in water than it is on skin.  I usually just end up getting the lotion all wet and then using huge amounts of toilet paper to wipe it off.

Then I can finally put my clothes on, but remember how I left them out in the hall?  I have to push the heavy box out from in front of the door and then run really fast past the window in the hallway to avoid exposing myself to my neighbor’s two young children.

Running really fast on a wood floor past a flight of stairs when your body is coated in super-lotion is probably not the smartest life-decision, but then again, neither is leaving your clothes out in the hallway when you go into the bathroom to take a shower.  But that’s what happens when you are impulsive and incapable of thinking things through before acting. 

How I am not dead yet is beyond me.  I guess it’s probably because the killer from Psycho can’t get past the moderately heavy box that I use to barricade my bathroom door.

42 comments:

Grant said...

My dogs name is Norman. My last name is Bates. I am standing outside your window. SPOOKY! Your story reminds me of the greased up deaf guy from family guy toward the end.

kelleidoscope said...

When I'm home alone I barricade my bedroom door with a chair. Because.. yes. A chair WILL stop a killer. I'm convinced of this.

Elliott said...

Thank you for this, makes me wish that my parents had tenants like you when I was younger. And lopsided boobs are no big deal. Trust me, men don't notice things like that.

mysterg said...

If you saw the preview for Psycho then that makes you over the age of fifty and it is okay to have weird breasts at that age...however Hitchcock also urged his audience not to give away the ending so you've ruined it for people everywhere now that they have found out that Horatio Cane with his signature sunglasses move turns up...oh and I spent the whole time thinking about you in the shower whilst reading this which now makes me a pervert. Bravo!

Allie said...

Grant - I'm going to start taking a knife into the shower with me now...

kelleidoscope - a chair might not stop a murderer from entering your room, but it might delay their attack by a few milliseconds whilst also creating a noise that may wake you and give you time to react by... I haven't gotten that far, but I'm sure I'd find something useful to do.

Elliot - except that it probably would have been traumatizing for you as a kid because even though adult men don't notice things like lopsided breasts, I am almost certain that children do. And they are very critical of them.

mysterg - I have edited my post to clarify. I promise I'm not 50 :) But I have to ask, when you were imagining me in the shower, did you imagine me as being 50? Did my lopsided breasts fit into your mental picture of this situation? Sorry I gave away the ending...

miss. chief said...

But you forgot to mention how Horatio Cane actually said "her left breast (dramatic pause) is larger (pause again) (puts hands on hips inside jacket) than her right breast… what a freak!” (then he pulls his sunglasses out of thin air and puts them on, and then the theme song starts YEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!"

miss. chief said...

oh, it looks like mysterg beat me to the punchline on the sunglasses thing

Elliott said...

I was actually a very advanced child...I started liking girls 'that way' when I was four or five.

And besides, lopsided breasts are STILL breasts!

mysterg said...

Touche! Actually I was thinking of your head on the body of Janet Leigh with normal breasts - as in my experience of these matters most women with natural boobs have one slightly bigger than the other...and I love boobs in all shapes and sizes!

NutellaonToast said...

So I've definitely decided that you're insane. I'm just not sure about whether or not it's in an endearing way. Keep posting and I'll keep you informed of updates in my evaluation.

otherworldlyone said...

I actually think you are quite sane.

If you've ever had anyone actually sneak up on you in the shower, and I have, a box in front of the door is just common sense and creativity in the face of a probable crisis.

And the Cocoa Butter lotion? I've had the same bottle since 2007 too. It looks more than half full. I don't understand it. But I checked with a nurse, it's not a good lube...so don't try that.

Capricorn Cringe said...

Two words: Space heater.

Unless you drop the space heater into the bathtub, you should be fine - and warm.

I didn't know that Hitchcock did the don't give away the ending thing - I thought that was only "Witness for the Prosecution" and that was a killer movie and fantastic ending. But it wasn't Hitchcock, it was Billy Wilder.

And no, I'm not 50. I just like really old suspense flicks.

Sarah P said...

I wash my shower curtain in the washing machine and let it dry outside. If it's too cold out, it gets icy.
You're more likely to die on the toilet than in the shower, statistically. I've heard. Or read. Or I just made it up.
Statistics don't lie.

Me, Myself, and I said...

You are definitely sane.
I always think about how I might die in some freak accident.
And whenever I go into public toilets, I wonder if there is one of those overhead lights in them and maybe someone hung themselves and how traumatizing it would be if there actually was a body in the bathroom in Dunkin Donuts, but it usually ends okay because so far no Dunkin Donuts I have been in has a hanging lamp in the bathroom.

Julia said...

haha you are preaching to the choir. that is pretty much my exact shower experience (except that my bathroom locks and i'm not afraid of psycho). but the slimy shower curtain, the cold/hot water (which has terrible pressure), and the stupid shower head which is one of those hand held ones which doesn't have a wall attachment, so i have to stick it in the towel rack, which doesn't really work cause the water shoots out at a 45 degree angle. taking a shower can be so amazing, but only in the right place/temperature. unfortunately, is neither.

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

A few things...

1) Can I send you a space heater for your bathroom? Im not kidding, send me your address and Ill mail it to you.

2) Your lotion story reminds me of when my hands get super dry and I lather them in body butter from the body shop only to discover it leaves me wanting to touch nothing so I leave it on for twelve seconds then spend thirty minutes trying to wipe it off. (run- on much?)

3) Ill really send you a space heater... no kidding here. Unless its a fire hazard you should drape your clothes on it whilst showering so theyre toasty when you get out!

dogimo said...

It sounds like a good 30% of these problems would be solved by not leaving your clothes in the hallway!

You're damn right on "Operation," though - in less squeamish countries the game is called "Organ Harvest." It just got all rebranded here 'cause Americans apparently like to pretend everything involving a scalpel is wholesome.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

If I were a girl I'd be flashing my vag all over the place to get free stuff and my tits would always be "accidentally" be falling out at Birthday parties.

Ed Adams said...

After reading this, I plucked out my eyeballs.

Thankfully I don't need them for typing.

I would put them back in now, if only I had some lotion to make them stick with.

Nikole said...

Kids are totally critical of vaginas and lopsided boobs. I know this because my brother used to share a backyard with his landlords who had 4 autistic boys that spent A LOT of time outside. Particularly when I happened to be showering at his house and/or was really drunk and got naked. Those fuckers totally judged my boobs.

Ps. I don't really have anything against autistic children (or adults). Really. I made them cookies once. I'm practically a saint.

Nikole said...

Also, I just ran upstairs to pee and realized that not only does my bathroom door not lock but it doesn't even latch closed. So it can be pushed open at will. Anytime. Like if I'm defenseless peeing or in the shower. Awesome. Thanks, Allie, now I'll never feel safe again.

Memoirs of a Korean said...

My bathroom at my old apartment had this window that would never close. I'm pretty sure many people saw me while I was showering.

I also had the fear of showering because I was afraid that someone would either see me or climb through my window and kill me. What a scary world we live in today...the horrors that are out there, you know?

omchelsea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Organic Meatbag said...

First impression: you are putting waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy too much thought into every aspect of this Aesop-type fable... maybe you should just drive to your nearest truck stop for a hot shower, that is, if you don't mind sex-starved and caffeine pill-hyped rednecks checking out your supposed lopsided boobs...
Second, Anthony Perkins, who played Norman Bates has been dead for many years...he isn't coming to kill you, and even if he were alive, I'm sure he wouldn't even give traversing Montana in search of you a second thought...
Third, you apparently have not seen my blog about my hate of David Caruso, aka Horatio Cocksucker...
And fourth, you are awesome...

you're welcome...

kate said...

My right one is bigger than my left one...it's nice to know that my uneven boobies aren't alone.

dogimo said...

In the final analysis, probably every woman's breasts are uneven, if you count up and compare the number of atoms in each one.

An uneven vagina would be a far more troubling situation.

Random said...

So yeah, most boobies are lopsided. My right one is bigger. The boob on the side of whatever "handed" you are is usually bigger. Are you a leftie? (Handed, that is. Not boobied.)

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

Organic Meatbag,

You say cocksucker like it's a BAD thing. : p

Note: The tongue sticking out above is not a representation of my abilities, it was only used because I wanted to be be cute.

Organic Meatbag said...

Yes, but I meant cocksucker in a David Caruso sense, which is far from lip-smacking good...his is a "put on your sunglasses in a douchey way, utter a totally inane line or two, and then start sucking on a clown penis, pronto...review chalk outline, hand on hips, put on sunglasses, hair blows in wind, insert penis into a garden hose, blow your load on the back of a Wal-Mart greeter"...
But I agree with you on the good cocksucker way... the GOOD cocksucking way...

Allie said...

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND and Organic Meatbag - you guys are too funny. I love that you are discussing the finer points of cock sucking on my blog. Have either of you ever practiced on a banana? I did. It was embarrassing and probably not something that I should tell anyone but I just did, so there's that. Also, I wet my bed when I was 14 once. And I used to practice french-kissing on a life-size statue that kind of looked like Jesus but not really but enough for it to be creepy.

And I love the "Cock Sucker" picture. Except that 's a lollipop. So really, you are saying "Cock Lollipop". You should get a picture of a DumDum instead. That's a real sucker.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

OM,

When you put it that way...makes total sense.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

Allie,

I never needed a facsimile when I had plenty of guys offering me the real thing.

Organic Meatbag said...

Actually, I always served AS the practice banana...

dogimo said...

When they start casting the Crap Blog Detective movie, I think David Caruso is the natural frontrunner for the lead.

It'll be one of those The Pink Panther type deals, where the supposed star of the flick gets ousted by a breakout star turn from his putative nemesis.

Then she gets all the sequels.

Luzaire said...

You can totally fix that sink problem.

http://thereifixedit.com/2009/11/06/its-like-some-sort-of-handwashing-device

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Okay, two things.

Thing #1: My left breast is larger than my right too!!!! You are not alone, and neither am I.

Thing #2: I get the whole very cold room where you take a shower thing. Our bathroom isn't as cold as yours, but it's cold. What I do is keep my clothing in the bathroom with me, turned inside out, so that the steam from the shower warms the clothing, so that when I'm done my shower, I can scooch back into them, and they are somewhat warm, and definitely not frozen.

I guess there's a third thing.

Thing #3: I too am afraid when I shower, so I lock all the doors before showering when I'm alone at home. Sometimes, when I'm extra scared, I watch the news beforehand to ensure there are no recent home invasions.

lyssielove said...

I dont't like touching my shower curtain either, actually i hate all shower curtains. I freak out when i touch the wall of the shower or the shower curtain with any part of my body.

Alan said...

I generally freak out when I'm in the shower.
to stop this:
I don't actively close my eyes when I shower, I tip my head back and use my hands to splash water around my face.
I have a towel over the side of the shower door so should I have to close my eyes, I can clear them super-quick.

(generally, what happens is, I close my eyes and am fine for a few seconds then HOLY SHIT THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!11!!!!1 NO SERIOUSLY, THERE REALLY IS THIS TIME. THEY TUNNELLED THROUGH THE FLOOR OR SOMETHING EQUALLY CRAZY (yes, my bathroom is on the second floor))

and, to sleep, I am convinced that once I am in bed and covered by my covers, nothing can get me. that serial killer standing there with the knife? well, he can just go fuck himself cos I'm invincible.


p.s. you are awesomeness personified.
p.p.s. I couldn't think of a good way to add that in, so I turned it into a post script. then I felt there was a need to justify it.

Galadriel said...

Really? It's self-consciousness and cold?

I was thinking it might be more like "it's futile to do it because I just have to do it AGAIN almost right away" and "it almost feels like I'm just pouring the soap and shampoo down the drain" and "god damn, there are SO MANY STEPS to getting showering right and I always screw up because I just can't FUCKING FOCUS."

Whoops, I used conditioner to shampoo my hair. Aw man, I got soap in my nose. Wait, I washed all of me except my torso? How did I manage that? I...I shaved my left pit but not my right. I have NO NEURONS FIRING IN MY BRAIN.

FYI, something that can both make showering faster AND solve the issue of getting the temperature right before you go in the shower, is a showerhead on a hose. Usually it sits up there in normal showerhead position, but when you're waiting for the water to heat up, you can take it down and let it hang, pointing away from you.

So you can be in the shower while the water heats up, and start to take advantage of the warm water ambiance immediately. I usually shave too. And you can easily test the water, and not replace the showerhead until it's juuust the right temperature. But if it's too hot for most of your body, but you can tolerate it, you can go ahead and get your feet wet, yeah. And showering takes less time.

Shower hoses can be like $10 at Walmart or Home Depot and they screw on without any major tool needs.

I don't worry about psychos killing me in the shower (I have a cocker spaniel who valiantly guards me when I shower! and barks at strangers! and catches mice!) but I still want the whole experience to take as little time as possible.

stonemaven said...

Take the frozen lotion bottle into the shower with you. Set it next to the drain and let the semi-fridged water warm it to the same temperature. Then, when you get out the lotion won't be any colder than you already are.
I can't help you with Norman Bates tho, but at least you aren't afraid that Pennywise the evil clown from It will come up the drain and pull you down screaming...

Miss Anike Maj said...

I like showers, but I always get freaked out by this creepy ghost walking noise that the bathtub makes as you reach to grab the soap and its uneven claw feet grasp frantically for the floor. I keep thinking that someone is in the house, or walking down the hallway, which is super terrifying when I know I'm the only person home so I start panicking thinking that someone has silently broken into the house only to be given away by their footsteps creeping down the hallway to murder me in the shower. Even though the door is locked. They'll manage it. They managed to break in silently. Mostly.

Anyway, I know what the sound is, but I still mistake it every time for a murderer.

r3 said...

Showers are one aspect of my life that I have allowed my moderate OCD to fully infiltrate. Every shower has an exact sequence of events that must happen within a set time period. This is normally not a problem. If I am travelling and encounter an unknown shower, I first must find room for the dozen or so things that accompany me and are part of the shower routine. I am not going to go into it here, mainly because it is supposed to be a comment and not my own blog, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. The only thing that I can suggest is spending the $1.99 on a new shower curtain liner as often as you can. Nothing makes me feel like I have a clean shower experience like a new shower curtain liner. I don't even have a real curtain... just a liner that I throw away every month or so. I find that slippers help me not to slip and kill myself while running to get dressed. Funny how slippers enable you to do the exact opposite of what you would think. Driers dry, vacuums vacuum, but slippers allow you not to slip.