Sometimes I read through my comments and I almost feel guilty because some of them are so unbelievably funny that I feel bad for having them buried within my comments section. I mean, many of you have your own blogs that you could be writing that awesomely funny stuff for... but instead you choose to leave me a paragraph or six that straight knocks me on my ass with laughter.
I appreciate this more than you will ever know. Sometimes my comments are funnier than I am. Actually quite often. Here is just a sample of what I mean (most names are links even though they may not look like it):
Noelle (who doesn't have a blog but probably should): "...Christmas tree shopping is an emotionally devastating experience for me."
-"On the other hand, scissors with a corkscrew in the handle sound really fucking dangerous. And you don't drink. I however, enjoy drinking while I cut things. You should bring them to my house."
-"Me and Ben got drunk at James Bar the other night, and I spent an inappropriate amount of time telling him how badly Brett Farve makes me want to buy levis. You and Duncan need to come back and make games/wine nights less awkward."
-"...So, for breakfast, naturally I would eat a plate of butter. My mom told me this was gross and so I comprimised by hollowing out the insides of bread and filling it with butter. I called it "eskimo bread". I would love to eat this now, but I am a grown-up."
-"...too bad you have to wait until christmas for your giftbasket of fancy tampons and cosmopolitan."
Sarah P: "I was reading a true crime forum today, and everyone was getting all confused between two Kyles because they are both registered sex offenders. Now, this. *Shakes head at state of the world*"
-"I always worry one item on a shelf is lonely or that, in an odd number of items, a bunch of them will pair off and shun the singleton. Even numbers are best for dinner parties and knickknacks."
-"...one day, he unrolled the fresh toilet paper roll about halfway, and wrote on one square, "God hates you.""
-"I will never understand why they make a person with ADD call the doctor every month for a refill prescription, go pick up the written prescription and hand-deliver it to the pharmacy. It's like they're just fucking with ADDers."
Becky: "I'm so sleepy right now that when you wrote about your statcounter, it reminded me about my statcounter account, and I wanted to check it out but I never go straight from anyone's blog to statcounter because I'm afraid one day someone will see in their statcounter account that that's where I went after reading their blog, and then they'll think I'm vain and county of readers. I usually go to google for no reason, then to statcounter."
Dan: Please be aware that sand is a stone killer, and I don't even mean that in the erosion-turns-rocks-into-sand way, though that's also kind of worth keeping in mind. But SAND! KILLS!!!! I think that more people are killed by cave-ins of sand-holes each year than by lightning, bad taste, and chewbacca together. ("Sand-hole" sounds like something people would call me in jr high. You know the type.) Not to mention the chafing. Please, do not mention the chafing. Just don't mess around with sand. Somebody will get hurt. Possibly Spiderman, if I recall the movie properly.
Also, that deer told me he thinks you're cute, but not when you're "sexy lion," which translates in deer to "rutting carnivore." You know how sensitive those sandholes can be.
Tony: "Cancer research < having fun with drunk Allie in my book. I'll tell you why. Cancer's still going to be there tomorrow, but drunk Allie? Well, that wears off after a couple of hours."
-"I'm sorry about the paper cut. It's amazing how something so frail can cause so much pain."
mysterg: "...I don't plan on having any babies so you would just end up having to eat my sperm with someone else's unfertilised eggs. Which could mix inside of you and make you pregnant and then you would sue me for child maintenance. Thank heavens I recognised your dastardly plan before it was too late!"
-"Maybe Kyle just saw your bald picture and thought that bald = cancer = ugly? Although I might screw a bald chick if she was dying from cancer and it was her last request from the make a wish foundation. Because I'm a charitable guy."
Organic Meatbag: I'm not drunk! I'm just belligerent!! Tonight I shall soak in a hot tub filled with grief and Kahlua, and maybe some of you will be invited, and maybe some of you will be INVITED!!!
Nooter: "That was nuts! You're like a cinnamon jelly bean thats been soaking in lemon juice and dipped into a bag of crack then used as a suppository."
Amber: "I googled Crap Blog Detective to get a picture for the pic I am making for you, and YOU ARE TOTALLY NUMBER ONE ON GOOGLE BEFORE HIM!! ALLIE, YOU WIN!!!!!!!"
Lacey: "as a child, i tried to swallow a large percentage of my food whole, so that it would not experience the trauma of being chewed."
Amy: "...it's like he thought "I have these tags, what do I do with them? I can't hold them while I run on the treadmill. I need to put the sneakers on. I can't do that while I hold them. I'll put them here. Hands empty, mission complete. On with the shoes, off to the treadmill."
Woman in the Midst: Raw: YOU are a winner with a capital "w" - capitilization of the "w" purposely omitted so that you would notice and again declare yourself a WINNER! - =)
ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND: "I hate hearing someone behind me say; "Are you going to pay for that dildo under your shirt? or do you want us to call the Police?" Bothers me every time."
timoteo: "...I left one such note on my fellow interns sandwich, with a caption reading "Please don't eat me, my family will miss me""
-"I'm not sure what the appropriate response is to this situation. I'm gonna cop out by slow clapping."
writteninthemargins: "P.S. I like your blog. P.P.S. I'm not really that crazy. Well, my boyfriend says I am, but you can't trust him. He's British."
Cinema Obsessed: "...It's like "Well don't dress up like you work at Wal-Mart before you leave the house. It almost obligates you to show me where things are.""
miss. chief: "Dear Allie,
Hi. How are you? I am fine. Do you like cats? What about porcupines?
My Mom (yes, my real, live mother who felt the need to make an empty profile so she could comment): "Hello darling, this is your mother. If I have stumbled on to how to actually comment on this new-fangled blog-thing, it will be a miracle. I mean, I’m still figuring out my cell phone. After reading your little site (every word) I am caught between thinking, “That’s my baby girl right there!” and “My God, does she have a life outside of blogging?!”
Seriously though, it’s not too late to become a comedy writer, after all, look what it did for Dave Barry! You can just leave the microscopes and molecules to someone else to mess with. At least I can understand this stuff—I hate to admit it but your college papers left me behind in the first sentence. (For those of you just tuning in, my daughter is brilliant and talented and I’m sure she will find a cure for something if she doesn’t become a famous comedienne).
Carry on, love. Duncan.....you’re a good man!
P.S. How is your toe and have you made an appointment with the dentist?"
Sarah: "Can I just say how amused I am that after all that your mom completely breezed past the part of the story where you poisoned yourself to compliment you on the fact that you are a gifted humorist and writer?"
Shaky Jake: "I'm high on nougat right now, and that doesn't even require a prescription."
Anonymous: "I'd like to tell you a short story. Almost two years ago, I (a girl who grew up with 15 pet dogs and was certainly not a cat person) took in a cat that had grown up in the wild from a kitten. He was at least 3 years old at the time, and I had slowly gotten him used to me (and only me) and fed him and cared for him outside and all. Then one morning I woke up to find him on the front doorstep, hardly able to breathe. I (miracle of miracles) somehow managed to get him to the vet, and he was made all better. Now at that point, it was the middle of winter. He couldn't stay outside with breathing problems. So he became an inside cat. (Side note: he can't meow. The most he can muster is a whispery "meh". It's precious.) So he's been an inside cat for two years now, and you can't even tell he was ever outside, he's so spoiled. He weighs like 15 pounds, I swear. Anyway, I was never able to think of a good name for him. Nothing I tried fit him at ALL. So for two years, he's answered to Kitty. This is embarrassing when relating funny stories, to admit that my cat is called Kitty. I tried to pretend that I named him after Sully in Monsters, Inc. because Boo called him Kitty, but I think we can all agree that was a pretty thin cover, and everyone thinks I'm just a retard who can't think of what to name her cat.
My point here, Allie, is that after two long years, YOUR AD BLOG NAMED MY CAT! Seriously. I clicked on an ad to help you out, and found a "good cat names" quiz and I answered all the questions truthfully and it told me to name him Charlemagne, which is a horrible name, so I took it again with less truthful & honest answers, and it said Sebastian! Which normally is not a great name. But it TOTALLY fits him. So thank you, Allie, for making an ad blog and naming my cat!
angryredhead: "I think we should ban the French language entirely, as it obviously makes no sense at all."
Jamie: "I am less offended by your post than I am by the fact I have to tell people my daughter has assburgers. That dude should have changed his name to something french."
-"How very selfish of you to go have experiences and leave us here without new posts..."
Caitlin: "glad you didn't die."
-"...then someone says "WHY ARE YOU YELLING" and then the other person say "I DON'T KNOW" -or- "I'M NOT YELLING" and then person one says "YES YOU ARE!" and then person two says "WELL I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HELP IT" ......and then that continues on for like another five minutes..."
Canoncowgirl: "The whole time I've been reading your blog (all a couple weeks or so) i've been confusing "hyperbole" and "perabola" which is dumb because if anything I should be confusing hyperbole and hyperbola but I was totally imagining a single arch (and a half) none of that top and bottom mirror arch crap. so apparently I'm not only confused regaurding the english language but also on geometry terms."
Rhymes with "ulcer."
You know, like as in "his job was to be the repulser so no one would bother the lions."
Ok maybe it's not a word.
Kaitlyn: "Way to wreck a productive afternoon and give me arachnoiditis."
Rikki: "Fuck jeans. Sorry I said fuck. I am totally following your bad example, but, to *everyone's* relief, I don't hate you."
OhSweetSara: "So I'm going to go ahead and freak out the 4 people who follow me on twitter to help you with your cause.
If this makes them stop following me it will be totally worth it because I only started following them because they were following me and I felt obligated, but I'm too nice to un-follow them because twitter is a dick-head and tells people when someone stops following them, and I don’t want to be that person. But their tweets are really annoying and about cat food coupons and I don't even have a cat so I don't care, but if they stop following me because I tweeted '#mandatorysexparty' then that would be awesome, and I would totally want to give you a prize."
Ellie: "You ate ALL the cookies? Now I want cookies. I have cookie dough in the freezer, but that would mean defrosting is necessary. The complexity of life is overwhelming".
Lizard. dot lizard.: "OK this is off-topic in that it doesn't relate to your eventual point, but, the bird thing? Is there something weird going on with the birds? Last week about four different sparrows committed Kamikaze on the windows at work - and they're not even clear! And today there was a dead finch by the window, and then later THWACK! a QUAIL. We don't even have quail around where I work. Some quail flew however many miles, just to fling himself against the window and die! I have pictures to prove it.
So what's up with the birds? Is this an attack, or a desperate sort of warning in which they're sacrificing their little birdie lives to tell us HEY! HEY! YOU IN THERE! WATCH OUT! Watch out for what?"
Stephanie: "If it were me? I would have let people think I had cancer and then milked the "sympathy boyfriend" situation for all it was worth. Apparently my adolescent self was not too proud for pity dating".
Sherri: "...AND you got to visit a meth lab. NO FAIR."
Nicole: "Thank you for your letter to Cosmo. If one more issue tells me to use ice cubs on my partner, I am going to...eh I have no real repercussions."
That Chick: "...my best friend would come up to me and say, "dear, you're awful angry. Is your uterus leaking?""
Josh Gard: "As a regular guy who can appreciate a cute though slightly odd girl, I can say that Allie pulls off the sexy lion much better than a lot of girls could!"
Alice: "...I was asleep on an apple green vintage couch on a busy street, inexplicably wearing fairy wings. True story. Moving sucks.
Kaloo: "But this makes no sense. Everyone knows that Scissors stab Eyes. And without Eyes Rock is going to miss horribly..."
Duncan (AKA Boyfriend): "At least we can all agree paper sucks in any situation."
Nikole: "Are you people kidding? Have you never been cut by paper? It is the most excruciating ordeals one could possibly experience. I assume even moreso than natural childbirth..."
-"My brother's girlfriend once told me that my mom was sandy. Confused, I yelled, "No, her name is Jeanne!" in the middle of Baskin Robbins. Apparently she meant that my mom had a sandy vagina (figuratively speaking) because who wouldn't be irritable with sand in the vag? Seriously, think about the mechanics of chaffing. Basically, she was calling my mom a bitch but how was I to know sandy could be used as that kind of a descriptor?"
-"My cousin/roommate loves milk an unnatural amount."
Erin: "Can we be best friends? If not, I'd settle for some coupons..."
Don-Guitar: "...I'm very plebeian when it comes to coffee. I like Folgers artificially flavored hazelnut, brewed (not too strong) in my dollar store drip coffee maker. I don't adulterate it with plant extracts (like cane sugar), artificial sweeteners, dairy products or synthetic dairy products and I dislike all other brands and varieties of coffee."
Matthew: "Will you marry me?" (I drew up a marriage license for matthew and I and emailed it to him, but he hasn't sent it back yet. I'm giving him three more days and then I'm going to post it on my blog for everyone else to fill out too...)
Hope: "...I don't think my boyfriend is an alien, but he is waterproof. Seriously."
Schmorley: "I find it disturbing that Gerber makes baby food and really badass knives and hatchets. I mean really, baby food and knives? I was wondering if you also found this to be disturbing."
Laurel Kornfield (I cannot tell if she is being serious or if she's just the funniest person ever): "Pluto is still a planet. Only four percent of the IAU voted on the controversial demotion, and most are not planetary scientists. Their decision was immediately opposed in a formal petition by hundreds of professional astronomers led by Dr. Alan Stern, Principal Investigator of NASA’s New Horizons mission to Pluto. One reason the IAU definition makes no sense is it says dwarf planets are not planets at all! That is like saying a grizzly bear is not a bear, and it is inconsistent with the use of the term “dwarf” in astronomy, where dwarf stars are still stars, and dwarf galaxies are still galaxies. Also, the IAU definition classifies objects solely by where they are while ignoring what they are. If Earth were in Pluto’s orbit, according to the IAU definition, it would not be a planet either. A definition that takes the same object and makes it a planet in one location and not a planet in another is essentially useless. Pluto is a planet because it is spherical, meaning it is large enough to be pulled into a round shape by its own gravity--a state known as hydrostatic equilibrium and characteristic of planets, not of shapeless asteroids held together by chemical bonds. These reasons are why many astronomers, lay people, and educators are either ignoring the demotion entirely or working to get it overturned."
Sy: "...It's like a cat. Yeah you can dress it up and parade it down the street, but if you...the power giver... doesn't feed it, it is just a worthless lump. Fine, you have to bury the cat, or at least make a nice stew out of it, but regardless...the effort to feed it once in a while makes you awesome and the appliance weak."
Thank you for making me laugh so hard every day.
P.S. My "no-internet debacle" is no excuse for the fact that I have been terribly tardy with the "prizes" that I owe some of you... if I owe you, please email me with the password, and your request (contact button at top of sidebar. Alternatively, firstname.lastname@example.org). I may even surprise you with something extra. Don't count on it, but maybe.