How to be Happy, Reclaim Your Youth and Also Vanquish a Centaur. *Hint*: Bacon is Involved

In the world, there are things.  Some of them suck, some of them are awesome and some of them are just okay.  Some of them smell/taste like bacon.  Those things are usually - but not always - in the awesome category.  For example, bacon beer.  I would drink bacon beer.  In fact, I am willing to bet that the advent of bacon beer would mark the end of productivity for our society.  Bacon-flavored condoms?  That would probably be the best blow-job-getting strategy ever because they taste like bacon but they have no calories.  Everyone wins in that situation.  I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that bacon-flavored condoms would also lead to complete stasis in whatever place they originate first.  I'm guessing either Germany or Japan.

But bacon can't just be mixed all willy-nilly with everything.  Baconnaise should never have happened.

However there are certain things that exist in the world that every person enjoys.  Some people don't know that they enjoy these things.  Some people won't admit that they enjoy these things, but I'm pretty sure almost everyone, aside from Vladimir Putin and John Wayne Gacy, enjoy them.

1.) Chicken Skin  


One of the most sacred moments in anyone's life is one in which there is anticipation and/or ingestion of chicken skin.  When you are holding that paper-thin flap of greasy yet crispy integument, nothing else matters.  Chicken skin could stop war.  Well, it could at least delay war by about 15 seconds.   Once everyone got to the part where they actually had to eat a skinless drumstick, they'd go right back to bombing and pillaging.

2.) Bouncing 

Who hasn't looked at a trampoline in someone's backyard and thought "I would give a blow job to just about anyone if it meant that I could have one of those... and the condom wouldn't even need to be bacon-flavored..."

And how sad were you the day you found out that you weighed too much to go into the giant, inflatable bouncy castle?  That's how Anorexia starts.  One moment you're bouncing away your worries inside the inflatable castle in the parking lot across from Walgreen's and the next you're on a glucose drip and you've lost your hair and you almost don't have enough energy to be enthusiastic about the idea of bouncy castles anymore.

The first person who makes a bouncy castle that is built to withstand the rigors of being repeatedly bludgeoned by overly enthusiastic obese people will be a millionaire billionaire.

In the meantime, next time you are feeling down, go jump on your bed.  I'm totally serious.  Go jump on your bed and see if you still feel bad.  If nothing else the idea of jumping on a bed while crying irrationally should at least make you laugh.  Either way, jumping on the bed will make you feel better.


Ceiling too low?  Jump on your knees or on all-fours.

Worried about aversely affecting the life-span of your mattress?  That's what's wrong with you - do something about it.

If you still can't bring yourself to jeopardize the integrity of your all-important mattress, go to the thrift store and buy a cheap mattress that you won't feel bad about destroying during your moments of unrestrained glee.  Keep it in your garage or basement.  I promise that your life will be better.

If you have a memory foam mattress, give up.  Life is pointless now.  You should have thought of that before you sold your life down the river by buying a mattress without springs.  You could try buying a bouncy mattress from the thrift store and keeping it in your basement or garage, but I doubt you'll get any enjoyment out of it.

3.) Popping a Zit

Getting a zit is such a turbulent experience, emotionally.  On one hand, you are upset because your face has been ruined.  On the other hand, you get all giddy and start thinking "I can't wait until I can squeeze this thing!  I hope it's the kind that squirts all over the mirror!"

If I was a spiritual leader of some sort, I would say "Think not about the blemish on your face, but about the mass of sebum and bacteria on your mirror."

I would say other things too, though.  I wouldn't want my principles branded as "Zit Zen."  But I think that is pretty much unavoidable now.

4.) Right-Clicking

This one is very subtle, but I am convinced that it happens to nearly everyone

Next time you are using a mouse with a designated right-click button, notice the way you feel just before you get to right-click something.  There is an almost imperceptible little celebration that happens.

5.) The Last Bite of a Waffle



You know the bite I am talking about.  The one that is approximately three squares by two squares and it's stuffed like a turkey with butter and syrup.  Not only that, but the waffle has been marinating in syrup for the duration of breakfast and some of the syrup will surely have soaked up into the interior of this glorious bite.


People say that there is no way to explain love and that makes me sad because obviously these people have never eaten a waffle or at least not a waffle with real butter and syrup and that is a tragedy.  Either that or they have never experienced love, which is almost as sad.  Almost.

6.) Toys

There is a distinct feeling I get every time I pass the toy aisle at Wal-Mart.  It's like if you were engaged to marry the man or woman of your dreams then suddenly decided that you needed to take a plane to Pittsburgh and the plane crashed and everyone died except for you and you walked away from the incident as a double above-the-knee amputee and that was the meanest joke ever but I still said it because I didn't even realize what I was saying until it was too late and by the time I noticed, it was already too funny so I just left it in there because it somehow lightens the mood when you find out that after the plane crash, the person you had loved is prejudiced against disabled people and he/she leaves you for a centaur and you somehow end up attending the same PTA meetings and all you can do is look across the room at your ex-fiance and the centaur and think "I used to be so happy..."

That's how the toy aisle at Wal-Mart makes me feel.

Sometimes I buy a toy and then I get a feeling like I walked across the room to the centaur and I said "bitch, I'm going to rape him because he is rightfully mine!"  And then I realized that I had legs the whole time and I was never a double amputee and I don't actually have to rape my ex-fiance because he still loves me and we tame the centaur and keep it as a pet and it isn't even mad at me because I give it bacon beer all the time and centaurs love bacon beer.

I think this may be the best thing I have ever written.

P.S.  I talked about blow jobs twice in one post.  I get fifteen points.

COMPLETELY UNRELATED UPDATE:  I'm totally going to start taking screenshots of my followers widget so that when someone un-follows me, I can find out who's missing and track them down and become all emotional on their blog.  Then they'll log in one day and find this:

"WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?????!!!  I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, YOU FUCKING CUNT BASTARD!"

If you guessed that the phrase "fucking cunt bastard" was a trap, you would be right.  Just try to leave me now, Asshole.  I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you.

24 comments:

Grant said...

I think that a bacon flavored condom wouldn't work. There is no way you can put something that delicious in your mouth without biting down on it.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBeYRJa8J9g

You're welcome.

Kirsten said...

Definitely best thing you have written.

Once I bought bacon lip balm. Best. Purchase. Ever.

Memoirs of a Korean said...

Blowjobs AND bacon AND waffles AND toys?! You are a saint...

I really want to motorboat Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Buttersworth so hard now.

mysterg said...

If I ever get captured and tortured, forget waterboarding or electrocution, all they would have to do is bring in a bacon sandwich in the room and let the smell waft around me for me to talk...

Problem is with bacon flavoured condoms is men would forever be getting injured trying to give themselves blowjobs!

Ed Adams said...

Funny.

Now I want bacon.

Not condom or beer bacon. I want the real shit.

But all the BJ talk does get me in the mood for sexy times. Maybe the wife will wear some bacon down there. I'll call it a BLV. Bacon, Lettuce, and Vagina sandwich.

Why the lettuce? Everyone knows that's what makes it a sandwich.

Geez.

Keely said...

Zit Zen... sounds like one of those mini-books they keep by the checkout line at a bookstore that pre-teen girls give each other as "meaningful" birthday gifts.

I would definitely blow something more if it tasted like bacon, but as the above commenter stated: there is always the risk of just chomping down!

mepsipax said...

I have a restaurant near me that makes bacon waffles. How cool is that shit.
My bacon pudding did not turn out so well.

mepsipax said...

And your blog is crazy and ADHD and I love it.

Sarah said...

Did I tell you about drinking a concoction named "little miss piggy"? Pink lemonade and bacon-infused vodka. It was tasty.

miss. chief said...

All I can think about is beer now. Your fault for saying the B word.

Anonymous said...

Hey Allie, wonderful post - as usual. However, I don't like number four very much because I am left handed, and so I right click all the time. For me, left clicking is what's awesome. But still, I get your point. And the awesomeness of the rest of the post totally makes up for it anyway, so it's okay.

-Katie

raysgal said...

You may not like Baconnaise, but it's funny as hell watching Jon Stewart eat it with sausages that have been wrapped in pancakes. That is some great comedy right there.

dogimo said...

You know, when you said you thought it might have been the best thing you've ever written, I was a little skeptical, I was like, "damn it's damn good, but wait a minute though! Consider some of what it's up against!"

But then you wrapped it up with the BRUTAL WARNING against potential unfollowers and damn it Allie - it's like you shoved this bacon wrapped post deep into my heart and then sealed it with molten gold!

This post's a 10. Stuck the landing and all.

You should add "I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you," to the message that displays when people are leaving comments.

Angela said...

Mmmmmmmm bacon. And I used to be vegetarian. True story. Although now my husband is all "Quit eating all my bacon woman" and I'm like "Shut your whore mouth and make me some more bacon!" Also entirely true story.

Mandar Harshe said...

I think this post has the longest sentence ever... and it does not have a period to end it. So its probably infinite.

Awesome. You should get one more toy. As a gift. Bacon Flavored. It would be odd, but you would love it. I think.

Sarah P said...

I kind of want to google the phrase "fucking cunt bastard" and search until I find your post and then promote it.

Christine @ The Dishy said...

Wow, if I ever doubted that we were bosom buddies, this post has totally redeemed us- I love, repeat LOVE, popping zits. I'm the same way, like "Mother EFF! my face is RUINED, but also SCORE and I hope it's a squirter." I like popping other people's zits too, is that gross? I feel like I may have crossed a line there, but it's true, so I'm leaving it. Plus you said "fucking cunt bastard", so really? I don't know where the line is regarding this post/these comments.

Allie said...

Grant - good point... I'll work on the design and get back to you. Maybe some sort of mouth guard is in order? Penis armor? We'll figure it out because I'm pretty sure the world needs bacon-flavored condoms.

Becky - that was epic. I think that might be a boil or a cyst though... do people actually get zits that big? I mean, holy crap. One time my dad got a boil that was about that big but my mom got to pop it while I wasn't home. I was pissed. I was like "MOM! You popped it
WITHOUT ME????" And she was all "Yeah" and I was all "Oh." I'm sure I'm damaged because of it.

Kirsten - BACON LIP BALM??? No way! I'm definitely getting me some of that.

Tony - I have noticed that a very large proportion of men exhibit unrestrained lust toward Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima. Someone should study that phenomenon.

mysterg - bacon is a powerfully persuasive tool. Bacon flavored condoms would make me wish that vaginas had taste buds.

Ed - great point on the lettuce thing. I've never thought about that. Did you get your wife to give you a BLV? I hope so.

Keely - YES! That is exactly what "Zit Zen" sounds like! Like one of those Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul books.

mepsipax - bacon waffles? AWESOME. I like getting waffles with a side of bacon and then dipping the bacon in the butter and syrup. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't run so much, I'd already have advanced atherosclerosis.

Sarah - you did not tell me... that sounds kind of weird, actually. Like on of the things you shouldn't mix bacon with. I laughed when you said "tasty" because I imagined you saying "TASTEH..." and rubbing your stomach. Is THAT weird?

miss chief - Sorry I triggered your beer reflex. I should have been more aware of the consequences of the word "beer." Alas, I have said it twice in this response too.

Anonymous - THAT'S why Boyfriend didn't get that one! I understand now! Can you get a left-handed mouse? I would think that they make them. If they don't, that is prejudiced and we should stone them! I guess it would still technically be left-clicking even with a left-hand mouse, but the important part is that you get to depress a button with your ring finger. I think that is the sensation that is so nice. That finger really doesn't get a lot of game time, so I think it likes it when it is responsible for something. Probably one of the reasons that people like being proposed to.

raysgal - yes, but John Stewart could make just about anything funny. I'm still against Baconnaise though... I was iffy on mayonnaise in the first place, but mayonnaise hybrids just gross me out.

Joe - Next time you leave a comment, check the message :) P.S. I am still going to email you. I promise.

Angela - Did you give up vegetarianism for bacon? In that case, it would kind of be like bacon popped your meat cherry. And "meat cherry" is a term that should either not be used or applied only to the act of a man losing his virginity, because then it would be pretty accurate.

Mandar Harshe - I will find the sentence without a period and I will fix it. I can't stand being grammatically incorrect. Grammatically questionable is fine with me, but incorrect? It's a no go.

Sarah P - Do it. Everyone will win.

Christine - I like to pop other people's zits too. It's all the fun without the pain and facial ruining of my own face. It's almost spiritual.

Nikole said...

My ex-roommate is a vegetarian and I'm no carnivore so I went on a month-long trial run just to see if I could do it. Mostly it was no big deal until I went out to breakfast once and I all I wanted was to dip bacon in syrup and suck the shit out of it just to get the taste. I may have actually done that..you'll always have to wonder.

Anonymous left-handed person: I am also left-handed and I don't understand your statement. Do you have a left-handed mouse? Because for me right-clicking still kicks ass just as much as if I were right-handed. Maybe even more because I don't use that hand as much in other daily activity. It's kind of like we get an extra bonus just for being born backwards.

Allie - Now I'm confused. You use your ring finger to right-click? I use my middle finger (but I do really like that finger a lot). Maybe it's because I am left-handed and am therefore biologically incapable of properly using a device designed for the use of right-handers, maybe I'm just retarded, or maybe, JUST MAYBE, you're the crazy one. You should poll people for what finger they use when right-clicking to solve this mystery once and for all.

AzĂșcar said...

Chicken skin rocks the universe.

Alison said...

"And "meat cherry" is a term that should either not be used or applied only to the act of a man losing his virginity, because then it would be pretty accurate."


I just spit all over the screen.


and Nikole, I agree that right-clicking with the ring finger is JUST MAYBE a little crazy.

kembial said...

1.) I cannot stand eating fat. Well, I mean, I love fatty delicious foods, and have no problems eating them at all. But, when it comes to visible chunks of animal fat, I'm just NO. If I accidentally get one of these in my mouth, I'm just GAG. Therefor I rarely eat skins, unless it's been super-crisped and lacking fatglobs.

2.) I will never bounce in a bed, again. It's traumatic. As a child, for some unknown reason (that is, I probably put it there earlier myself), there was a cheese grater on my bouncing bed of choice. Knees were never meant to meet this kitchen implement with extreme force. And I had been bouncing up a fury right before I found it...

3.) At my age, I don't get many face zits anymore. They're usually on my back, or in the middle of a fat field. And there's just no way you can get a popping-grip on a fatzit. I will however beg the wife to get my back, occasionally. You just can't underestimate the monkey-bonding of having your zits popped by a loved one. Even if they aren't bonding because they're just totally grossed out.

Oh yeah, and the epic shooting face zits... If it hits the mirror, I... tend to leave it there as a testament to my WIN. No one else really appreciates my victory, though.

4.) I don't understand this. It's probably because I right-click all the time in the normal use of my computer. That single button controls SO MUCH functionality that I simply could not have a meaningful computer experience without right-clicks.

5.) I don't eat breakfast. If I have the choice, I'll still be sleeping. If not, eating that early after waking up makes me feel sick for hours afterward. And I know what you're thinking right now. Well, I just don't like breakfast food at all. Except bacon. But certainly not waffles.

6.) I work at a toy store. I also have children. I get to buy them and play with them all the time!

Stellington said...

I know it's a bit far to travel for you, but there is a boutique brewery right in the middle of Sydney CBD that has a beer that tastes like bacon. It tastes smoky and awesome.

Rauch Bier.

http://www.redoak.com.au/SpecialBeers.htm

:D