I Made Friends! And an Arch-Nemesis!

Guess what?

I made some friends yesterday.  In the real world.  

Guess what else?

The Crap Blog Detective is back, and this time he insulted my furniture.  Uh oh. 

What do these two topics have in common?





That's Bruce.  Actually, it's me inside Bruce.  Bruce is a dragon costume that I made out of a Snuggie, a pair of nylons and a dog bed.  He is wearing sexy underwear because Halloween is always a good excuse to dress like a whore, especially if you're a dragon.

You may be wondering what Bruce has to do with anything.  Well, remember how I said that I made friends last night?  Normally, I'm pretty shy around new people - but not when I'm wearing Bruce.  When I'm wearing Bruce, all of my self-doubt and social paranoia just melt away leaving behind pure, unadulterated confidence.  


As soon as I put on Bruce, I have abilities.  I can suddenly do things I never dreamed of.  I can walk into a party full of strange people and not end up hiding in the bathroom with a bottle of Vodka until I'm drunk enough to not care about how awkward I am.  I can dance to 80's music AND gangster rap without relying too heavily on the lawn-mower dance.  I can comfortably talk to strangers about breast milk, glory holes and blow jobs.  I can enter a sexiest costume contest and win - even though I didn't actually win because some girl dressed up as a sexy gladiator and wore a push-up bra and put glitter on her cleavage and even though she wasn't nearly as sexy as me, no one was ready for what I brought and it kind of hurt my game.   I can lose a sexiest costume contest and still feel good about myself and my future.  Babies actually like me and don't start crying the second I get within ten feet of them.   


I'm practically a superhero.  I even have an arch-nemesis now.   It's the crap Blog Detective.  And Kyle.  


I think it's kind of fun having an arch-nemesis.  It gives my life purpose.  Now I have a reason to get up in the morning and make a striptease video.  I have a reason to do whatever I am going to do to the Crap Blog Detective, which I haven't thought of yet, but the possibilities are endless and I have a dragon costume, so it's probably going to be awesome.  


Anyway, I am getting kicked out of the café with the free internet because they are "closing."  I think they're just jealous of my sexy dragon costume, but whatever.  


P.S.  I put my video up on YouTube .  But don't worry - fame and fortune won't change me.  I mean, I have 40 views already and I'm still just as humble as ever.  


P.P.S.  A little girl stuck some of her Halloween candy in my G-string last night.  It was awkward.  Especially because her parents (both of them) were watching and they totally thought I asked her to do it even though I didn't and probably never would because I am classier than that and frankly, their kid was a little creepy  and it's not my fault that sexy dragons are irresistible to children.  





That's me and some of my new real-world friends.   I hope we can still be friends when I'm not wearing Bruce.  It might be difficult to maintain a relationship that is based completely off of my Halloween costume.  I'm not saying it would be impossible, just really complicated.  Especially if we ever wanted to go to a water park or church or a movie.   




26 comments:

Noelle said...

Allie- your video was officially the most ridiculous 3 minutes of my life. And I loved it. Needs more naked though, and Bruce definitely needed to be featured.

kelleidoscope said...

Bruce is hot

Jason said...

And I thought Snuggies were useless!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You are the MacGyver of costume design.

Tony said...

Sweet Jupiter, that is a bad ass dragon costume. Bruce is my hero.

Glad that you had a fun night, Allie. And you should have totally won the sexiest costume contest.

Anonymous said...

Look out! That knight is trying to slay you!

Sarah P said...

Nice 'tume. Of course it helped you make friends. It's awesome.

I think, in light of the recent CBD comment, it might be time for you to start a regular interior decorating feature. You could call it "Home Decor Thursday" or "Decorating with Allie" or "Crap Blog Detective keeps commenting on my site because I draw so many people to his site and he's an attention whore."

Whoa. Sorry. Where did that come from?

Crap Blog Detective must be jealous of your cowboy hat because his hat sucks so much.

Polly Syllabick said...

I. Can. Not. With that snuggie costume. HIGHlarious.

Cary said...

You shoulda won. The undies on the outside was a beautiful touch.

JUST ME said...

If I didn't think you were cool before, that bikini dinosaur makes me CERTAIN you are awesome.

dogimo said...

That's one imposing lineup for a super team, there. Bruce the Dragon! Rorschach! Draculess! Fro-Stache, the Disco Avenger! and of course, Sir Tinfoil.

If you can just keep the team going until the inevitable movie deal comes through, you could all be rich.

The Boob Nazi said...

The Crap Blog Detective is mean. I don't see the point of going around and telling people they suck. You don't suck. And Kyle is mean. That's all.

rbandj said...

bruce is a sexy beast!

Capricorn Cringe said...

I'm not drunk enough to deal with a dragon named Bruce in women's lingerie. It is quite possible that there is not enough booze in the state.

miss. chief said...

I think that a water park would be no problem. Just change that sexy lingerie into a teeny weeny bikini and he's set. And you wouldn't have to worry about wearing sunscreen. BONUS!

Sherri said...

This is exactly why Halloween should be EVERY day. [Plus, CANDY. EVERY. DAY.]

The Odd Duck said...

As someone who has been freaked out by velociraptors since Jurassic Park, this officially killed any fear I had left. EVAR.

Nothing says sexy like a technicolour dinosaur comfortable enough to wear a pink bra and panties. Hotness.

Luzaire said...

Allie,

There is a problem with your RSS feed through Feedburner. It hasn't updated since the article about your boyfriend eating Skittles. Please check into this so others don't miss out on your great posts.

Also, thank you for talking about Snuggies here. You reminded me to order one for my mother for Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Allie, I have to thank you. I've been rather low lately due to intermittent vertigo over the past week. It's been as if my head has decided that flat surfaces are no longer satisfying and challenging, and so it must spice things up a bit, you know, to keep things interesting. But then, I get back from vacation (yes, I had vertigo on vacation...glory, glory, weeee!), and go to catch up on your posts, which is a challenge...if you don't think so , you try looking up at a computer screen with vertigo sometime, I mean seriously, my brain must be having hella fun. Anyway, my point is (and I know, it's hard to find, my psyche has apparently joined the rest of my brain on the vertigo train just for funsies), and I do have one, I sit down to catch up on your posts (bless Jenny the Bloggess for introducing me to your inanity!) and I find myself laughing for the first time in days. And I don't mean just little snorts, but the kind of laughing that got more people in the audience laughing at that comedy show I went to than were actually laughing at the comics (true story). Love it, love you, babe. Rock on! - Elan

bonequinhoda bic said...

I wish I was there.
Man, now you left me nostalgic.

Brian O'Mara-Croft said...

Your video, like your blog, is hilarious! You are more than Bruce, Katie...let him go...let him go.

Cheers,
Brian
Lost in the Hive

Ellie said...

Hooray for Bruce!

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Jovial Connoisseur said...

its just a while ago i came across your blog through a link which was there in some other blog
this is just awesoem and bruce rox...

Rachelle said...

I've been trying to read this post for, like, a week, but this is the first time I've been able to get past the picture of Bruce at the beginning of the post.

I fucking love Bruce.

I don't suppose you have, like, a PATTERN for Bruce, so he could be recreated? Because I don't know if the world is safe with only one Bruce in it. We need an army of Bruce, if only to boost our ability to fight of the zombie legion.

P.S. The plural of Bruce is still Bruce. Like how more than one moose is still just moose.

r3 said...

Bruce is awesome! What a great costume! I love Halloween, except I never know what to go as. I would have to say that the best Halloween costume I ever had was a pimp, because I got four of my sexy lady friends to dress like prostitutes and hang on my arms while we walked down the outdoor mall (before they stopped allowing such festivities there). That was pretty awesome, getting all that attention. Except for when some moron tried to get all grabby with one of my sexy friends and then I got all sort of worried that I wasn't really tough enough to actually be a pimp and beat the shit out of some asshat that messing with one of my ladies, but she and her three other friends took care of that for me. What a relief.