Twitter is Dead to Me. So I Gave it twAIDS.

I normally wouldn't post something like this because I'm classier than that and I have dignity, but sometimes I just post stuff because I can and today is one of those days.  Also I don't feel like I have accumulated enough comments on Friday's post so usually what I would do is not post anything and hope that I can trick you guys into thinking that the post on the top of the page is new and therefore worthy of your attention and commentary.  But not today.  Today, I am posting irresponsibly.  Like if I usually didn't do drugs and then one day, I decided to do drugs and get pregnant and drink moonshine and drive to Texas to meet up with some dude named mikehunt69 whom I met on Craigslist.   That would be irresponsible.  And so is this. 

Maybe you should just read what I wrote yesterday again.  And watch the video because the end is awesome and there is a picture of a cat-shark in it.  And also Bear Grylls.     

Anyway, if you have exhausted all other options, read on...  

I've noticed that Twitter likes to come up with cute little word combinations that make ordinary words or phrases more Twitter-related.  For example:

Twaffic: "Twitter traffic."  

Tweetheart: "Twitter sweetheart" which, in my opinion, is a step down from "Craigslist whore-friend" and is probably not something that should exist, but apparently it does exist and I'm patenting the phrase "twivorce" right now before it's too late and I've missed my opportunity to profit off of the misery of others. 

Twittastic:  "Fanstasic, but not just regular fantastic:  fantastic on Twitter

Twitterrhea:  "Twitter diarrhea" which can mean "too many loose, watery tweets" or "tweeting while pooping violently" which is probably something that has actually happened and that makes me die inside.  

Twitterholic: "Twitter alcoholic" or "Twitterer who is like an alcoholic, only instead of alcohol, they are addicted to tweeting" which is is not a real disorder and actually undermines the legitimacy of alcoholism by mere association.  It's like saying "Haha, I'm a twitterbetic and I need to tweet regularly or else I'll have a tweizure!"  You sound like an asshole.    

Twitter posts a random sample from these cute little abominations - "twifinitions," if you will -in their sidebar so that all the Tweeters out there can stay current on the hottest new "twingo" and "twargon."  But today, Twitter finally took this cute little game too far:






Twi-Haiku?  You didn't think of maybe trying Twaiku first?  Or is this some cruel joke on the entire twittosphere where you point out how stupid we are by sabotaging your already scant credibility?  Are you even trying anymore?  

Twuit it Twitter.  I've twad tweenough of your twinanigans.  I will twack you down and twangle you until you twi-die.  Then I will twisembowel you with a twamurai tword.  Then I will twesurrect you.  Then I will twill you again.  With my twuck.  Then I will set you on twi-fire and twape you in the eye with a twap-on.  Because I'm a twiropyronecrophiliac.  And I have twAIDS.  And you will get them!  Haha!

Consider that a tweat.   

Tweace out, bitch.   

33 comments:

Twewi said...

It's too late to twologize...

Allie said...

Twouché.

Gigi said...

Alley!! That was fantastic!! Those stupid tweet words drive me batty! Thank you for setting them straight!

mysterg said...

Your blog is Twirrific...see what I did there?

Love,

mikehunt69

Ed Adams said...

What's Twitter?

I thought that was a Port-O-Pot for conjoined Twins.

Twins + Shitter = Twitter

twimoteo said...

Twallie,

I don't twuite understand. I twought that's how everyone twalks on the twinternet.

Amy said...

Twenius!! Pure twenius!

Cap said...

Twinanigans ... it's double the anigans! Twanks, Tweetheart!

Homemaker Man said...

twexcellent. twespecially twape you with a twap-on.

dogimo said...

The whole thing seems so twifuckingstupid to me.

dogimo said...

"tweetards"

Just.Kate said...

HOLY EFFING SHIT. I really, truly laughed out fruckin louf at least 3 times. Tweizure got me *right there*.

Pheeeew. I'm gonna read it again!

Just.Kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just.Kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just.Kate said...

P.S. Blogger has a tweizure and twatted itself, therefore I had to deleted 2 duplicate comments. Just know people aren't posting terrible things then deleting them out of guilt. It's just me. Being impatient and hitting "Publish Your Comment" 2 billion times.

Thanks.

Er, twanks.

Just.Kate said...

I'm also drinking and commenting. Shit. Typos ahoy!

Allie said...

Gigi - no twoblem.

mysterg - Twanks! And how come you stood me up at that truck stop? I thought there was something between us, mikehunt69. I really did.

Ed - that. is. fantastic. Because that is totally what Twitter actually is.

Timoteo - YOU DID NOT WRITE IN STANDARD LETTER FORMAT I WILL CUT YOU NOW!

Amy - I'm twuly twattered. That kind of looks like some derivation of "twat" but I can't quite figure out what it would mean.

Cap- Nice! But what's an "anigan"? Hopefully it's some sort of dragon! Or a unicorn. Or both.

Homemaker Man - I must admit that I was especially proud of that one.

Joe - TWEETARDS!!!! Put that on a shirt and you'll be a billionaire.

Kate - I feel like the specialest fucking person ever right now. You read my post TWICE? That has to qualify me for some sort of higher office or something. And thanks for clarifying on the triple-post. I do wonder sometimes, even though I'm just like you in that I click buttons over and over until they do what I want... over and over. Which I don't want. I just wanted it once. But buttons don't understand that.

dogimo said...

BILLIONAIRE? Wow. How about you do all the work and I'll cut you in for 60%? That's fair. We can be twitterpreneurs.

Carlston said...

Okay, not a big fan of twitter but you've gone and given me 2 word-of-the-week's es!!!

Tweizure - to have a seizure on Twitter. Funking amazin word.

Twamurai - little blue bird samurai

Great post Allie

timoteo said...

...twoops

Ellie said...

See, I just acquired Twitter. And then i added you. ANd now I'm thinking maybe that was foolish.

Anonymous said...

Finally, someone actually has profoundly described the useless communication vehicle known as Twitter. Rock on, Allie!

BlackLOG said...

The official BlackLOG stance on twitter

Deidre said...

I don't twitter? tweet? twatter? I've have yet to twat? And as you can see I am far behind on this so called "twargon" - But I am pretty sure all these "twifinitions" just make all the tweeters sound like they have a twisps.

Sarah P said...

I just read this aloud to my husband.
We both thought it was hilarious (if incredibly difficult to read aloud without a lisp).

Then, he said, "You should leave a comment that just says, 'Your post made me twiggle my twass off.'"

Now, he's coming up with new twords for you, because he's ADHD and I just got him off track.

"Twernacular."

"'Those tweeters don't know twhat they're doing.' Maybe she'll get the twat reference."

Back off, ladies. He's taken.

Sorcerer said...

Twas Twasome.

Erin said...

I should have known not to read any of your posts while recovering from my wisdom teeth surgery.. I may have just split my stitches open. It hurt, but thanks anyway for the laugh!!

angryredhead said...

seriously, i feel like i'm involved in a twitterverse cult.

timoteo said...

To: Allie
Cc: Jesus

I think the person you really want to be asking for coupons is Santa. Though I do hear the easter bunny as of late has been transitioning into a more gift giving mentality. I'm just not sure how long you're willing to wait.

Timoteo

P.S. I think the politically correct term now for "zombie's" is "post-lifer"

timoteo said...

I posted in the wrong spot. I made comment to tell you I posted in the wrong spot.

...or perhaps your post is in the wrong spot? Yeah, I think that's right.

Timoteo

timoteo said...

I really don't mean to be a bother, but feel free to re-arrange your entire blog because of a mistake that I made. Ok thanks.

Timoteo

PlayboyMommy said...

OMG I just laughed soooo hard....oh and to the person with the wisdom teeth, or i should say, WITHOUT the wisdome teeth, I can TOTALLY relate. I was up at 4am with a killer headache and reading her blog was making my head hurt even more. Don't be sad Allie, it was because I was laughing so hard that I almost woke my kids up, not because it sucked :) You're absolutely awesome. Keep up the badass blogging. You'll be rich from this shit one day! :)

Adam Jones said...

Dearest Allie,

I need to tell you something, and it's going to take an unfortunate amount of backstory to get there.

I have a condition known as Gelastic Syncope: When I laugh too hard I pass out and have seizures.

No, really. It's a thing: http://www.jmedicalcasereports.com/content/2/1/197

There are several fantastic stories about this, but they are all beside(s) the point.

Because of this condition, I have been forced to learn not to laugh. No matter the circumstances. Lives are at stake.

No, really. It's happened while driving.

Several days ago, under circumstances that I do not recall, I happened upon your blog. I knew right away that it was dangerous, but as long as I didn't read it while driving, I and those around me would be safe.

Though I don't often laugh, I love humor. Likely this love is intensified because of the condition.

When I found your site I pecked at the stories you highlight on the side bar. When I was done with them I read all the posts from this year(2010). When I was done with them I decided to go back to the beginning and see how it all started. I doubt that I can adequately express how much I enjoy your blog. It comforts me. Although I am fairly well put together, and my demeanor is somewhat stoic, I have a secret. Inside, I am quite like you. Or at least the you that you present to us here. I worry, I panic, I obsess over things that would make people believe me to be truly insane. And I have had numerous bizarre adventures that few believe in their entirety.

I read over your posts and I've smiled at how familiar so much of what you say has felt. Also, I smile because so much of what you say is fucking hilarious.

I'm sorry I said fucking in my comment.

Oops, twice.

Here's the thing: When I read the line "Haha, I'm a twitterbetic and I need to tweet regularly or else I'll have a tweizure!"

...I nearly had a tweizure.

Sincerely,

Adam Jones