Billy Joel Almost Killed Me

I just realized that I should probably post something today... then I was like, “well,what should I post?”
 I thought about posting Part 2 of my roommate saga, but I need to ration my high-quality posts because I like to save them for when you guys are starting to doubt my abilities –  then I'm like “oh, you think I am selling-out and writing only about boring, inane things now?  Well, suck on this post!”

Basically I don’t feel like my blog has sucked enough lately to justify using up one of my “lifeline posts.”  So instead, you guys get to read about this.  Which is basically nothing.  I’m sorry.  I'll probably be forced to use one of my lifelines soon enough.

I think my original point in writing this was that I was going to talk about scars, but I don't remember how I was planning on arriving on that subject… oh yeah! I was going to tell you that I was looking around for things to write about and I got distracted by reminiscing about my badass life-wounds.  I say “life-wounds” because I wanted tosay “war-wounds” but I haven’t been in any wars.  I still wanted to make myself sound awesome, though - and "life-wounds" sounds pretty awesome – like I was attacked by life.   Do you want to see my life-wounds and hear the stories behind them?  I sure hope so because that is what's going to happen...

1.) Scar on Face:  


Mom thinks I'm ready to walk.  Takes out of walker and places on ground.  Not ready to walk.  Sense freedom, run away.  Take three glorious, freedom-filled steps - fall face-down in gravel.

I don’t know why my mother chose to teach me how to walk on a gravel driveway, but she did.  And now I have a sweet scar on my face.

2.) Scar on Head (Approximate Location):


I am 4.  Dad makes a big mistake - he plays “Running on Ice” by Billy Joel.  I really like that song.  Logically, I start sprinting around the house, flailing my arms.  When sprinting and flailing both fail to give proper expression to how much I truly love “Running on Ice” by Billy Joel, I start spinning in circles as fast as I can.  I get dizzy.  I run into the wall with my head.  I am bleeding. A lot.  Mom calls 911.  I go to the hospital.  The doctor (Doctor Crane – Iwill never forget that) says “she needs stitches.”  Dr. fucking Crane is holding a needle.  I see the needle.  Dr. Crane approaches me.  I begin flailing and kicking ferociously.  I am restrained in a rolled-up blanket.  Like a cat.  I am yelling “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” and bleeding all over the place.  I manage to wriggle free of the blanket.  I kick Dr. Crane in the chest.  He must have been feeling diplomatic because he offers me a lollipop. My insatiable appetite for sugar distracts me long enough so that I can be restrained in the blanket again.  Damn that Dr. Crane and his trickery!

3.) Scar on Knee:


 Playing tag.  Tried to jump barbed-wire fence gracefully- like a deer.  Failed.  Tetanus shots soon followed.  Probably also rabies.  Idaho fences are known for their rabidity.  Holy shit... "rabidity" is a word!  I don't think it means what I think it means though... whatever.

Okay, I just Google it and apparently, "rabidity" means "excessive enthusiasm."

Basically, I just told you that the fences in Idaho are known for their excessive enthusiasm.

4.) Chipped Tooth


A couple years ago, I impulse-bought a Happy Meal toy from a thrift store.  It was a tiny, stuffed armadillo.  It had a tag on it.  I didn't want the tag to be there.  I tried to rip it off with my hands, but I was not strong enough.  I used my teeth. To my horror, a chunk of my left front tooth was torn asunder from my face.  The tag was still firmly attached to the armadillo's ass.  And there it remains.

If that is not the weirdest way anyone has ever chipped a tooth, I don't know what is.  

37 comments:

Amber said...

Fuck, that's the funniest thing I've read all day.

BFF, if I haven't told you that you're awesome lately, let me just say, "You are SO AWESOME!"

So I'm "stupid" and watched you're whole YouTube vid, and just before you started talking about your teeth I was thinking, "Wow, I am hypnotized by her teeth! They are so perfect!" And FYI, I didn't notice the chip in the video. And yes, that is probably the weirdest way anyone has ever chipped a tooth.

And thank you for posting today because I was starting to go through withdrawals. Okay, end of stalker-like comment :)

The Tall Red Head said...

Scars are awesome. I cut my foot on a boat propeller when I was 13. Yeah, laugh all you like...I got 145 stitches in it and now I always know when it is going to rain because all the tendons got severed and they couldn't fix them properly, and now they tighten up and cane like all fuck right before it rains. Sweet scars tho.

Nikole said...

Hey, don't you be talking shit about the illiterates of the world. I am totally illiterate and that is why I wasted my whole fucking night watching your vlog. Also, my mom says I'm special, not stupid, so THERE.

Ps. I didn't notice in your first talking video, but you totally sound like this girl that used to live with my brother. Not like..with..my brother, but in the same house. It's weird, your voice and inflections and the words you use remind me of a her an odd amount. It kinda freaks me out. If part 2 of the roommate saga involves a skinny frenchman just say 'watermelons' and I'll know who you really are. But don't worry, I probably won't tell anyone.

Woman In The Midst: Raw said...

OMG don't ever be gone so long away from your blog, okay? I was just accidentally watching the "Left Behind" movie and I thought you were one of the "chosen" and the rest of us were not!!!

Okay, I wasn't accidentally watching that movie, I was flipping thru the channels, saw Kirk Cameron and thought, "wow, this is probably an Oscar winning show" and worthy of a full 3 minutes of my attention. Much to my chagrin - use that in one of your blogs Missy! - I discovered it was not worthy but you are which is why I read your blog, your blog which must continue on 365 days a year otherwise I'm going to think you were abducted like in that movie "Left Behind"... This is the comment that never ends.. And it goes on and on my friend..

Organic Meatbag said...

My God, you are a mangled freak!! Hahahahaha...totally kidding, my fucking Jesus monster, if anybody is a freak, it is me...I have lots o' scars too...maybe some day I will document them...however, my reproductive organs? Surprisingly and pleasantly scar free!
And where is this supposed video? And where is the chocolate cake????

Sarah P said...

The most disturbing part was not the blood or the restrained 4-year-old you or the enthusiasm with which you loved the Billy Joel song.

The most disturbing part was when you put your mouth on a thrift-store Happy Meal toy.

You're lucky you don't have a flesh-eating mouth fungus. Your tooth basically threw itself under a bus to save your life.

Wynn said...

I agree with the latest commenter. Scary stuff.

Russ said...

Dude! You ever hear of a scissor! I understand they make them with corkscrews now.

Amy said...

Ok so I have scars on both knees from being drug down a gravel hill while holding onto a flat-bed trailer being towed by a big tractor driven by an old deaf man who couldn't hear my screams. I win. But you wrote this post that drudged up that memory for me bringing it to light. So you win, too.

slipbananapeel said...

I chipped my tooth on a piece of paper tape at work. I no longer have any faith in my teeth and expect their deparure from my mouth soon. I am constantly checking to make sure they are still there.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I did watch the whole thing, and it was a-MA-zing!! Emphasis on the ZING!! In my video response, I'm going to agree with you about how vlogs are stupid. In mine, though, I'm going to apologize for my appearance and maybe someone will do a video response to me telling me I look okay. I just need to know I look okay. Do I look okay? *holds legs, rocks back and forth*

Also, the way you say "Yur stupid" is cute. I'm gonna be doing that all day. I've already taken it and morphed it into something that sounds like "Yah stupa!" I'll come back and tell you where it ends up.

Josephine said...

"Like I was attacked by life." I nearly banged my blackberry to my head how insanely funny that phrase is.

I remember the days where I had a "predicament" with a doctor. He was trying to inject this vaccine into my ass as I struggled like a sheep waiting for its death. He succeeded.

another incident: I was playing punch-my-face with my uncle (don't ask) and he accidentally punched my lips too hard I actually lost my tooth. I was 6. Next step, BARFIGHT. :)

And oh, thank you so so sooo much for the flying pirate giraffe. You're so talented with paint, it's ridiculous.

Ruth said...

My ex got up in the middle of the night to go pee, fainted, fell, and chipped his tooth on the toilet. Did you know there is a name for fainting while peeing? Micturition Syncope. You're welcome.

Schmorley said...

I chipped my tooth attempting to put a bell on my cats collar in college. You know, cause metal and teeth are totally best friends and I thought my teeth were indestructible.

Also, I am totally using the word rabidity today whilst talking to my super smart (read sometimes annoyingly so) husband...we'll see if he knows what it means.

NutellaonToast said...

I have chipped three teeth. One was while playing football when I was like 11. The other, I was chewing on a soda can tab. The third, I bit a fork while eating nachos. That's why people don't eat nachos with a fork, I guess.

I think I might have you beat with number two.

NutellaonToast said...

Oh wait, there's a forth one that I don't remember how I got. I think that one was also from chewing on something metal. Some people say that I have a lot of nervous energy.

JUST ME said...

My brother gave me a scar when we were both little kids walking into church. Right before we entered those sacred doors, he screamed at me and dug his nail into my hand.

Weirdest story ever.

Nooter said...

pffft, those are stick-on scars you got at the traveling carnival didnt you?

angryredhead said...

Yowza. I have a scar on my elbow from a scratch from a rusty locker door in an Amsterdam hostel that got infected, one on my knees from doing something bad in a hammock, and I once chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. It's awkward explaining that to a dentist.

miss. chief said...

I have a scar on my right wrist. I tell people I "fell off a cliff in the mountains" but what really happened was I slipped on a slight incline on a hill that was all gravelly and slid down for a comically long amount of time on my face and arm and got a scrape that hardly bled but totally scarred.

Capricorn Cringe said...

I didn't watch the whole video. I quit watching the video at 4:17... does that in any way cancel out the fact that I clicked the link in the first place?

I'm a sheep.

Memoirs of a Korean said...

Oh, Billy Joel...you may have ruined many people's childhoods...

mysterg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mysterg said...

I have a scar on my head where I was beaten around the head with a golfing umbrella, a scar on my hand from where a cigarette was extinguished on it, a scar inside my lip from one of the many times I've been punched in the face and a scar on my torso after a collapsed lung...that doesn't include the emotional ones! We should totally be life wounded buddies if it weren't for the fact that we are both so accident prone that it would just lead to death...oh and I currently probably have internal scars now after tearing the muscles in my back today, so you should feel sorry for me, or not.

Rikki said...

Ok, here's how much I love reading your blog: my RSS feed to my iGoogle page is for some reason refusing to update only your blog (probably because of your treatment of stuffed tiny animals - seriously? Ripping things off their tiny asses with your teeth? ugh.) so I have to click on the "I am Broken" link and then click on the sexy lion pose so I can see if there are any new posts for me to laugh so hard over that I cry a little when I am reading them out loud to my husband. That's a lot of love right there.

Sorcerer said...

scars are beautiful body art- sorcerer

BlackLOG said...

I have a scar from a Mickey Mouse watch (In every sense of the word). The winder kept cutting through the same part of my wrist. No wonder I hade Disney, it truly left me scared for life. That's it for scars, pretty pathetic really, so don’t feel guilty about stealing my idea for a scar post, let’s face it, it was never going to happen. I appreciate the opportunity to get a rather dull story of my chest

I feel I might be able to give you a run for your money on the tooth front. A grain of rice took out half* of one of my back teeth. It was wild rice, the black hard stuff, but that’s still rice…..

* how does the tooth fairy cope with half a tooth? Sadly I will never know, the bitch didn’t turn up

peterdewolf said...

Trippy. I have the same sized chip on the same tooth.

I tried to stop a street hockey ball with my face. Scratch that, I DID stop a street hockey ball with my face.

I stand by the decision.

Kurt said...

I chipped a tooth once by being too sarcastic. True story*. I never expected that chick to hit so hard.


*Not completely true. Actually not true at all. Jesus. What's wrong with me.

Camille said...

You are very entertaining.
You're probably only a few mandatory sex parties away from being famous.

Twewi said...

I dunno what Google was smoking, but it means exactly what you thought it meant.

Kr!st!n said...

So I know I'm commenting on your blog posts from almost 4 months ago, but I just discovered you and I think you're freakin fantastic. So, I decided to start from the beginning and read all of your posts. Anyway, my point was that I cracked my head open when I was 2 and I still VERY CLEARLY remember having to get stitches. I had the same traumatizing type of experience you had, only I didn't get a lollipop at the end :( I remember that my mom was not allowed to be with me and that I was laying down on this bed, with doctors looking down at me. Then I saw the needle. I was terrified and scared and wanted my mommy, dammit, but they are communist fucks who like to see children cry. Maybe they aren't communists, but I'm sure the second part is true.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

My MIL once broke a tooth on a grain of cooked rice. Does that beat your armadillo tag? Perhaps.

Jill said...

Chipped my tooth which I had previously chipped two times before... (once while twirling in circles, that got fixed, and again while chewing on plastic, that got fix) but this time I chipped it while flossing. : (

Kent Walter said...

The only bone I've ever "broken" (in quotes because does chipping a tooth count?) is my top right... mmm, incisor, right? That's those? I was lunging at my food, grabbing it, and then shaking it to kill it before I swallowed it because that's what human Tyranosauruses do. And then a fork--which were definitely NOT around in Tyranosaurus times, otherwise they would have found a better, safer way to eat--messed me all up. And then I had to get a root canal later, which, seriously, don't get a root canal. Really.
This always comes up (even though I have the option for it not to) when there is a conversation about chipping teeth, which, you know, is maybe... once a year? Every eighteen months? And every time, the reaction is something along the lines of "Oh man, that sucks. How old were you?" And then I get all squirmy and sweaty. "Like... seven... ...teen..." I should have known better, I guess, but I may or may not have killed my food this way again on a few (read: many) occasions since. It's just fun, and if that's wrong, well then, I don't want to be right unless I have to get another root canal.

Katsby said...

my brother and i both have chipped teeth.

he chipped his when he was in elementary school. he was spinning a quarter on his desk and trying to catch it with his teeth. it didn't end well.

i was working at a pet shop and using a razor blade to scrape old tape off the counter. at some point, for some reason that i can no longer remember, i stuck the razor blade into a water cooler tank that was behind the counter. the blade was stuck and i couldn't pull it out with my hands, so i tried pulling it out by biting on it (apparently i think my neck is strong than my arms?). instead of dislodging, the razor blade actually shattered in my mouth, chipping my tooth. i spent the next few minutes spitting out razor blade shards. remarkably, i don't think the shards cut my mouth at all.

eve_again said...

I am going to add myself to the list of people who have chipped teeth in bizarre ways - I chipped my front left tooth trying to bite a staple out of the wall when I was a teenager. Because, you know, the kitchen knife was unsuccessful as a pry bar, but MY TEETH were going to be able to dislodge the stupid thing. Ugh.