Don't Ever Fall Asleep Watching "Land of The Lost"

I think that I might finally have Swine Flu.

I'm all achy and pokey.  Most doctors don't understand what I mean when I say I'm feeling "pokey," but "pokey" is what you feel like when the mere act of existing with other molecules results in an uncomfortable poking sensation on your skin.  I can almost feel the particles pinging off of my face.

My stomach feels... crawl-y.  If stomachs could crawl sneakily, that's what mine would be doing.   I'll be lying on the couch debating whether an empty stomach or a full stomach would be more detrimental to my health and suddenly I feel this little rippling inside of me.  I say "Stomach! What the fuck are you doing?" And my stomach makes a little shivering motion and gurgles and I interpret that to mean "Oh nothing... just go back to doing what you were doing.  I'm fine.  Really.  I'm totally fine and not at all trying to sneak away to find another body that doesn't eat things like 'cheese pancakes'"

Cheese pancakes are when you put cheese in a frying pan and then as it's melting, you try to make it into a pancake shape with the spatula.

Anyway, I fell asleep watching "Land of The Lost" yesterday.  "Land of The Lost" is not a movie that you should watch if you have a fever and there is any chance whatsoever that you could fall asleep while the movie is still playing.  

If you fall asleep while watching "Land of The Lost" (especially if you are already semi-delirious from fever) you will awaken in a hell of confusion and fear.  A hell in which Will Ferrell is running away from a dinosaur and you have no idea why he's doing that and then he's running away from a giant crab and then he's running away from Sleestak which are the creepiest fucking shit ever and then there's flashing lights and a monkey-person peering out from behind a rock and all the while danger music is playing and you are almost positive that you are not going to survive. 

Now imagine that you were having a dream in which your hands are giant and your body is tiny and you've just figured out that nouns are a conspiracy but every time you try to tell someone about the noun conspiracy they turn into a land-capable shark and then you wake up and you are only several feet away from the television because you fell asleep on the floor and this is what you see/hear:

video

One second you are asleep dreaming about land-capable sharks and the next you wake up and you're all "Oh no! Giant crabs! What's Will Ferrell doing there? DINOSAUR!! Watch out Will Ferrell! Why do my hands feel so tiny??  NOW THEY'RE HUGE!!! MY HEAD IS TINY!!!!!  HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP I'M ALMOST POSITIVE THAT I AM IN SERIOUS DANGER!!!!!"

And then you get up and crawl onto the couch because the couch is safer than the floor and you curl into a ball and just wait it out because there is nothing else you can do and you are too terrified to take action.  

And that is why you should never fall asleep watching "Land of the Lost."  

24 comments:

JUST ME said...

I couldn't watch Land of the Lost anyway. Something about that remake just felt so WRONG.

Stormy Cruz said...

Girl,
I totally just had swine flu. I'm not kidding. Last week. And I definitely felt achy and pokey--and I had a ridiculous fever that left me delirious and exhausted. Please, if you haven't already, go to the doctor.
Also, don't ever fall asleep watching "Bone Collector." I made that mistake once.
Feel better!
~Stormy Cruz

Ed Adams said...

Land of the Lost was kind of sucky.

Feel better soon.

Amy said...

Never fall asleep during a Ghost Hunters marathon... just sayin'.

Feel better, Allie!!

linlah said...

I know crawl-y and pinging and I don't get why other people don't. And I don't get why those are not in first year medical journals.

lizard. dot lizard. said...

A long time ago I was sick while there was this weird TV show where these kids would ride a giant flying puppy or something. At the same time they were running some movie about Baron von Munchausen in heavy rotation, and in my fevered naps the two things got mixed together very disturbingly (it's also possible they are the same thing, whatever.)

But anyway, never fall asleep with a fever while watching NickJr either.

Hope you feel better soon :)

dogimo said...

That movie is AMAZING! I almost jumped and shouted at that last fleeeaky one-blink apparition that flashed by - I had to get a better look at it, I was clickety-clickety stop-pausing it until I got a look. Finally, I wished I hadn't.

KITTENSHARK.

Ghastly.

(feel better)

Nikole said...

Also, because if you fall asleep while they eat the opium nuts or whatever and then a week later read this post and have no fucking clue what is going on because you drunk you will be confused. Why am I always drunk when I read your posts? I really don't drink that much. I swear. You just have poor Nikole-sober-dar..

Moooooog35 said...

This also rings true about not falling asleep in a brothel.

The crabs in that dream are WAY scarier.

Plus you wake up nude three blocks away in a dumpster with no money, but that's an entirely different issue.

Ellie said...

Erk. You should get better now. DO it. Or have sex. That makes everything better. I;m sure Asshole Boyfriend would agree.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

Ellie,

I approve of your message.

[ALL OPINIONS EXPRESSED ON THIS BLOG ARE PURELY THE OPINIONS OF ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND. ALLIE CLAIMS NO OPINION OF OPINIONS AND WOULD PROBABLY DELETE MY COMMENTS, OFTEN, IF SHE KNEW HOW TO DELETE COMMENTS WITH HER PANCAKE SYRUP STICKY FINGERS.
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED]

lovenotestoself said...

Maybe the real lesson here is about having the flu and eating cheese pancakes. Those sound like they could make people pokey and crawl-y.

Feel better.

Allie said...

JUST ME - But it had Will Ferrell in it! That's what convinced me. Plus, I'm a pop-culture retard, so I haven't even seen the original Land of the Lost. I haven't seen Star-Trek or Star-Wars either. Not even the new ones. And I didn't like Indiana Jones. I'm definitely getting hate mail now.

Stormy- I think I'm better. Maybe it wasn't swine flu. Or maybe I fought swine flu and kicked its ass. I like that second option. Allie: swine flu conquerer and heroic citizen.

Ed - I think my video was better. Much more to-the-point.

linlah - Exactly! Boyfriend has no idea what I'm talking about when I say I'm feeling "pokey" and "crawl-y." He can't properly feel sorry for me if he doesn't understand!

lizard.dot.lizard - Some good advice there. Were you watching "Neverending Story"? That movie would probably be the ultimate bad movie to fall asleep during. Or "Labyrinth."

Joe - I pride myself on my cinematic talents. The kittenshark was kind of the climax of the film, I think. That or the "tiny hands" photo. Or maybe the land-capable shark.

Nikole - "Nikole-sober-dar..." That's awesome. And you're right. I don't have it. But don't worry, I feel like I sound like an alcoholic too. I don't drink very often, but lately it's been every other weekend and I feel like I need to go to rehab.

Moooooog35 (with 6 O's and sometimes 4 but usually 6) - I generally try to stay away from brothels entirely. However, I will take your advice to heart should I ever encounter a situation in which I have need to be in a brothel. Like if I'm hooking. Or brotheling. Or if they are giving out free candy and/or brochures.

Ellie - Hehe... I think you are confusing ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND with Boyfriend. They are not the same. Even though I turned ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND straight with my Kyle video and I'm pretty sure he's very attractive, I have neither the means nor the permission to meet him for a night of passion and intimacy and make him my lover.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND - Psshhhhh... I totally know how to delete comments. I leave yours there on purpose because they are awesome and perfectly fitting for my blog. And everyone likes you. Especially Organic Meatbag, who is also awesome. And Boyfriend likes you and I'm sure he'd be totally okay with me making you my lover of vast intimacy and passion, we just can't afford the bus ticket.

lovenotestoself - I ate the cheese pancakes on Tuesday. Your point is probably still completely valid, though. No one should eat cheese pancakes ever because swine flu can sense them in your body. It's like you are a wearing a tracking chip for diseases.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

I'm not just attractive, I'm freakin' hot! Did I tell you I'm also big in all the right places?

Allie said...

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND - This may not work out. I have an abnormally small pelvis - like a child, only more calcified. Or maybe when you said "big in all the right places" you meant that your heart, brain and sense of chivalry were all grotesquely huge. In which case, maybe.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

I'm stupid, I hate poor people orphans, and I would throw you in front of a train if I could get away with it. I meant to say I have biceps and a big dick.

Amber said...

I like the way you juxtaposed the sleestack with Bear Grylls, which I can only imagine is some sort of metaphor for the human condition or dinosaurs or something.

Julia said...

Oh man watching anyeven minimally strange movie with the flu is a horrible idea. Last year, with a super fever of 103 for 4 days, I decided it would be a good time to watch gladiator for the the first time. bad idea. i had horrible delirious nightmares all night about being locked in the colosseum with all these enormous gladiators trying to hack me to pieces and carts with swords coming out of the wheels. it was awful.

Memoirs of a Korean said...

Oh my god...that video was one of the best things I've ever seen! Poor you...hope you're feeling better!

Kurt said...

I fell asleep watching "Cirque Du Soleil" once when I had a fever, or whatever the french way of spelling it is, and I pretty much overcame that adversity completely once I changed my pants and they took away the butter knife.

Kurt said...

I fell asleep watching "Cirque Du Soleil" once when I had a fever, or whatever the french way of spelling it is, and I pretty much overcame that adversity completely once I changed my pants and they took away the butter knife.

Galadriel said...

Cheese pancakes...you need to know about chupaquesos!
http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20030906.html

Eluin said...

I know this is a really really late comment, but I've been reading your blog from beginning to end for the last couple of days and I thought I would enlighten you about these cheese pancakes you speak of.

I have the recipe for the perfect cheese pancakes. Of course, they are not really called cheese pancakes. They care called Saganakis and they are a greek dish. What you do is this:
Go get a small block of Kasari cheese (Walmart will not carry it, you'll have to go to a specialty store) slice it into chunks about the thickness of a sandwich or a thick piece of bread. Dip in egg, then dip in flour, then throw it on the griddle and cook for about 3 minutes per side. Add lemon juice and eat.
Trust me. When God created Mana, he really meant to give those poor people Saganaki. They would have stopped complaining on the stop.

MurasakiNeko42 said...

I relate to this post. The only time I ever watched "The Neverending Story" was during a delirious high fever when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. I cannot remember what of that movie was fantasy and what was hallucination. There was something about a dying horse and a flying white dragon-y looking thing (which people assure me were part of the movie), but I can't find an explanation for the screaming ants playing golf and all the crayons.