Land Sharks: Why We're All Fucked. *UPDATED*


I wrote another topic post for Cracked.com today.  Because I desperately need money and famousness.  And maybe I can get a real job there someday.  Especially if I use my newfound source of celebrity to stage my own death and then magically revive myself and offer to write a weekly column about my experience of the afterlife.  SNEAK PREVIEW:  There's lots of pie and everyone gets pillow-top mattresses.  And it's Christmas AND your birthday every day but your parents don't try to swindle you out of presents by celebrating both of these special days with only a single gift-giving session.

Anyway, if you liked my article on bears and you want to read a similar but way more awesome article on Land Sharks, go HERE.

Also, I've been reading up on blogging success-strategies and apparently I'm supposed to explicitly encourage you guys to subscribe to my blog.  So consider yourself explicitly encouraged.  The "Subscribe" button is in the upper right-hand corner, just below my blog heading.  I think you just click it and then click something else and then you get email notifications whenever I write something new.  Until they invent blog-update pagers, this is the best I can do to give you instant updates.

I guess I'm also supposed to encourage you to "be evangelical" about my blog. Whatever that means.  If you can figure out how to do it, it will supposedly help me become famous enough to blog for a living and then I can entertain you forever without having to worry about stuff like how I'm going to survive the winter.

I read about a lot of other things I'm supposed to do if I ever hope to get rich and famous from my blog, but I don't know how comfortable I would be with implementing tips like "create controversy" and "optimize your post titles for search engines."  I'm not about to start writing posts like "101 Ways To Abort Your Gay-Married, Al-Qaeda-Loving Baby For $39 or Less!"* So I'll just stick with asking you to subscribe and "be evangelical."

*God forbid I start showing up on Google for that sentence.

UPDATE #1: You guys... it's like you are trying to make Google think I'm a bad person:



UPDATE #WTF YOU GUYS?:

Seriously?



The list of terms for which I am ranked first on google is growing.  So far, these are the subjects for which I am widely considered to be the best source of information:

"Mandatory Sex Party"

"Jessica Alba cat diarrhea"

"101 Ways To Abort Your Gay-Married, Al-Qaeda-Loving Baby For $39 or Less!"

"Masturbate by sticking hermit crabs up their pee hole"

Do you realize that if I had AdSense, my blog would be riddled with ads for hentai?  Don't google that.  Okay, google it, but don't blame me when you become addicted to anime porn and beastiality simultaneously.

P.S.  SpellCheck doesn't know the word "beastiality."  OR the word "hentai."  That's probably a positive sign for the world.

29 comments:

Ellie said...

I'm really not evangelical about anything but good lingerie. And while I love your blog and all, it just doesn't touch me in the same way as Peter Alexander silk pyjamas.
Which is probably a good thing, or we'd be getting very hot and messy all over this blog... wait! And then we could set up webcams and get rich that way~!
Hm. This has potential. Why am I only blogging when I could be vlogging?!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I read "blogging success strategies" three times in a row as "bloggess succing strategies", thinking for just a moment: Is that what the goal is here? To suck the Bloggess? No, that doesn't sound right.

Gigi said...

Consider me explicitly encouraged! As for being "evangelical;" I'm Catholic - we don't "do" evangelical; but for you I'll try!

Have I told you how fabulous you are??? Cause, if I haven't; you are!

brian danowski said...

I will write your blog's url on some bathroom stalls for you.

Allie said...

Ellie - Sexy vlogging makes ├╝ber famous. I would totally do it if I had any boobs at all. Seriously, the only thing between me and a sexually depraved lifestyle is a few cup sizes.

Becky - That is a goal... not THE goal. And I read "succing" as "soosing" phonetically. Which should be a word. My favorite Spanish word is sucio, which means "dirty."

Gigi - I think even Catholics are allowed to be evangelical about things like blogs. Maybe also pudding and waterslides.

Brian - PLEASE seriously do that. It will be like I have my own street-team of graffiti artists. That is such a fucking brilliant idea!

Homemaker Man said...

Here's evangelical: I used your blog to heal a crippled boy. I just rubbed it on his legs. I think he was cripple. He was sitting down . . .

Allie said...

Homemaker Man - YES! That is what I am talking about! Here's my new tagline: "Hyperbole and a Half: Cures Paraplegia. And AIDS. You're Welcome." I'll be famous in no time.

Mel said...

I very much liked your land shark pictures. My friend just bought two of these...

http://www.smartshoppingblog.de/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/haistuhl.jpg


I enjoy reading your blog.

dogimo said...

"Yea, and Lo, there was in those days a consternation, for there came upon the land a great plague of sharks and bears. And the people fled, or were being devoured, and in their extremity cried out, 'who now shall save us?' And from their midst arose a mighty Beast: red it was, and black, and green of eye and its mouth spat Pink Flame, and its lingerie too was pink. And the people cried, and ran from it, screaming loud with a great scream. But lo, they turned and looked back upon it, and the Beast was devouring a great number of sharks and bears, and indeed the Beast proved to be a great devourer of sharks and bears, such that the people came to love the Beast, and to say: 'Lo, for the plague of sharks and bears has been lifted from us!' And they named the Beast Bruce, and its herald was Allie."

- a reading from The Book of Bruce 2:1-7

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

I offer handjobs to people if they follow my blog. I have a little room in the back of my blog I do it in, it has a ice cream fountain and a Samsung PN63B550 63" Plasma HDTV.

brian danowski said...

Oh I will.

I will make sure to get pics.

Nikole said...

The picture of the Sharkicorn is possibly the most hilarious picture in the history of history. Except for maybe your MS Paint drawing of your dorm with Ashley (because really, what can beat a paint drawing of an I love dick sign? A paint drawing of an I love dick sign AND the Jolly Green Giant, that's what). Did you draw all the bear/shark/combined pictures yourself?

Allie said...

Mel - That doesn't look like a very relaxing chair... I would still totally buy one though.

Joe - Will you be my prophet? Man, if I had to pick someone to chronicle all of my great achievements and battle stories for the betterment and redemption of mankind, it would definitely be you.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND - That's a great marketing tip! It's like cybersex only not as bodily invasive.

Brian - If you do take a picture, I will post it without a doubt. As an example of what people who really love me do.

Nikole - Yes, I drew the pictures. I love drawing, and I found one of my Adderall pills behind my couch and I took it and guess what happened? I cranked out eight shark-hybrid drawings in about the span of four hours. I don't know if I'd necessarily call that productivity but it was application of attention to one thing for a prolonged period, so I guess that's good.

Sorcerer said...

do we have to be an angel thingy to be evangelical.. i dont live in those parts..so just clearing the doubt..

I hope all your articles will turn out to be the "genesis of mutant" vol 1.

ps: allie..err...why not some of these characters to hollywood..
well..what say?

Jen O. said...

I've done my part. I included you the My New Favourite Bloggers Who Don't Write Often Enough (even though some of them write every day) portion of my Time Suck #2 post. You got linked to the word "Bloggers", so yay! Reap the benefits of my two readers! Enjoy them.

Bridget Callahan said...

A good way to get readers is to post pictures of Kimora Lee Simmons and the monster from the Host. At least, according to my statistics page.

mepsipax said...

Google does think you are a bad person. Also, I would like to hold an old time revival for your blog, you know being evangelical and all. Seriously, wtf??

Ed Adams said...

All this time I thought you were rich. And by rich, I mean flavorful.

The Expatresse said...

Well, crap.

I read all those suggestions, too, about how to be so BLOGERIFIC I can retire. And now I just read your blog and I will always eat your dust.

You funny.

Memoirs of a Korean said...

Dude, I love your drawings. They are amazing, and they make me cry. It's a good kind of crying though. Like when someone sees the statue of David for the first time, or the Sistine Chapel.

Carlston said...

Wow, this really is brilliant, even might i say, better than the bears.

I yhink you should make a PDF file with all of the pics on the RHS of your blog, but with a small url beneath. That way, we can print them, and stick them to things like colourful quick grafitti stuff. Does that make sense?

Sarah P said...

I am evangelical about your blog and some others. Basically, I'm evangelical about not writing shit I should be writing and instead am evangelical about draining the coffee pot while I write a list of blog ideas, read my fave blogs, read them again in case someone updated since I started reading, make a Lego version of Route-1 (along the Cali coast) for the kids to use to have horrific matchbox car and/or Little People minivan accidents off the cliffs.
(I don't let them play with water guns, though, because I don't want them to be violent.)

Emilianna said...

When I think someone being envangelical about a blog, I picture someone with a southern accent warning you about "the devil blogs". Or "keyboards are the devil's hands!" Except I don't think I know what evangelical means, and all I can think about is that cat I disected in high school who I named Evangeline. Which probably isn't related to the meaning of envangelical, so I read the other comments but they really didn't help either.

linlah said...

i didn't but I would have if I could have.

Capricorn Cringe said...

I'm not sure if I can be evangelical about a blog that uses the word fuck in the title of a post. It's hard enough to read it in the body of a post, but in the title? Don't you worry that some little kid is going to look up the word hyperbole and come across this post and have the word fuck staring him right in the face? How are you going to explain that to his mother? How will you explain it to my mother?

Also, I love the person who searched for "101 Ways to Abort Your Gay-married, Al-Qaeda-loving Baby for $39 or Less"

dogimo said...

Allie I will totally be your prophet, albeit I can't talk all Ye Olde like that unless I'm gripped by the spirit!

Say, is Bruce the Dragon named Bruce because of Bruce Lee? AKA Bruce "the Dragon" Lee?

bonequinhoda bic said...

Really cool drawing...big kiss:)

mepsipax said...

Hentai is a word. Actually it is Japanese slang.

Jessica said...

Just be glad "sailboat sex" isn't in there...just sayin.