It's Too Late to Apologize, Kyle... But Do You Still Want to See Me Strip?

Remember when I wrote that post  responding to that guy named Kyle who called me ugly and unfunny and it was exactly like when Tyra Banks got called fat and then protested by coming out on stage in a bathing suit and everybody said “wow, she’s so brave!” and she was lauded as a hero by self-esteem challenged women everywhere?

That was pretty sweet.

Anyway, I made a video. It's for Kyle.

It may or may not be work-safe, but I think that it probably is. I took special care not to show too much skin, but I make no guarantees about this being work safe if your boss can't handle massive amounts of pure, unadulterated sexiness.

I am warning you that this will probably make you feel weird inside... like being molested or witnessing someone you don't know giving birth. But it has to be done. It just has to be. God told me to do it.

Oh, and I talk in this video, so that means you'll hear my voice and it will probably be all different than what you were expecting and you might develop some sort of psychological disorder if you've become attached to the way you have been imagining my voice. Just prepare yourself, okay?

I start talking almost right away, so you don't have much time to acclimate once the video starts and then I start taking my clothes off and that is awkward and you'll probably die if you go straight from being shocked about my voice to being shocked about my sexiness with no break in between. If you expect to be deeply disturbed by my voice if it is higher or lower than you expected, please take a moment to calm yourself after the initial shock before proceeding with the video. I'm serious, guys.

Anyway, if Kyle was wondering whether he could say sorry for calling me ugly and just let things go back to the way they used to be, this video should clear things up for him:




video

86 comments:

Tracy said...

That was monumental. Seriously. I think I just peed myself.

Oh, and you sound just like I thought you would. (That's a good thing, by the way.)

j. said...

I was literally laughing out loud while watching this. Kyle has no idea what he's started haha.

-j.
http://kissing--frogs.blogspot.com/

rbandj said...

hyfuckingsterical! i'm in love with you, is that weird? lol

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

I just turned straight.

JUST ME said...

If SNL didn't suck so hard, I would really and honestly tell you to send that into them because YOU, my friend, are hilarious.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

And I'm gay.

I'm pretty sure this is my favorite thing I've seen on the Internet so far.

Josh Gard said...

Actually, that's not what I was expecting your voice to sound like, but I'm pleasantly surprised.

Oh and I think there's a problem with the video, it cuts off but you're still wearing clothes. I'm assuming there's more to it where the rest comes off?

Every time I've made a stripping video I take it all off. Otherwise it's just false advertising! ;)

Keely said...

That was the most amazing stripping/music video ever. And you do actually sound the way you look you sound, so psychological disorder averted. You're lucky because I probably look like I have this crazy amazing voice and then I actually sound like a squeaky mouse. THAT causes some psychological disorders to all who hear, I'm sure.

Anyway, well done. Take THAT Kyle!

Amy said...

Great, my friend walked in while I was watching that. I had to make him read some of your blog, to prove to him I wasn't on some porn site. You almost made him think I'm a lesbian..thanks alot! Haha.

No but that was really hilarious. Oh my gosh. HAhahaha.

Deidre said...

Glittens (glove-mittens?) have never been so foxy.

Tony said...

Oh my...

Kyle is totally touching his/her P right now.

You have some mean moves, Allie. They were so mean, they hurt my feelings.

In a good way, of course.

BTW, you sound a lot more mature than I thought you would sound. I guess that's a good thing.

Capricorn Cringe said...

The sexy lion crawl about did me in.

Brilliant.

rbandj said...

i just watched this again.. sad, really. the point is, first time around.. i completely missed the oh-so-obvious flick off. brilliant.

Nikole said...

That really was indescribably awesome. I mean, you convinced me to do you and I'm not even into girls (well, there was that one time with Lisa but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count).

heavealie said...

lol your voice was nice although it ended pretty quick so didn't get the time to admire!! :)
haha emphasis on its too late was awesome!!lol and the running too!!and even though you are really pretty that ring type crawling scene was really scary haha i thought you would come out of my screen!!lol i think kyle would be laughing his ass of and pissing in his pants somewhere!!awesome video!!keep writing making videos too!!next time plz no fake stripping!!you were like going to Alaska or something??

Inke said...

You just made my day!! Allie you are most awesome!! :)

cardiogirl said...

This almost makes me want to dis you just so I can have a customized video made for me.

Hey, can you make one anyway using the song "Keep It Real" by the Jonas Brothers?

Even if you mock me for my love of that song I'd be cool with it.

Oh! You could play all of the Jonas Brothers with wigs and such.

It would be fun. Can you please make a video using that song? You don't even have to reference me. And it's got a good beat so you could use that Madonna Vogue effect where the video stops/moves/stops/moves to the beat of the song.

But if you did that too much it might be like the Blair Witch Project which made vomit when I got home.

Wynn said...

LOOL. You such a disturbed person, in the good way. Love it. Oh, and I totally believe you are unemployed now.

Mel said...

Oh my God girl, that was something else. I bet doucheface Kyle is sorry now!

I agree with Tony that your voice sounds more mature than expected, but definitely in a good way.

That is all.

The Odd Duck said...

Win.

Woman In The Midst: Raw said...

O.MY.GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS HYSTERICAL! I DID LAUGH TIL I CRIED! I DID LAUGH TIL I PEED MY PANTS! I DID SHOW THIS TO MY KIDS! THEY LAUGHED TIL THEY CRIED. SON #1 SAID - SHE'S HOT! I AM STILL LAUGHING NOW!!!!!!
Holy helll.. You should put out an exercise video because I know I just laughed about 20lbs. away!!!!!!

Josephine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josephine said...

WHY THE HELL DID I ACCIDENTALLY PRESS DELETE ON MY OWN COMMENT.

anyway, my mom was asking me if there's something wrong since i was choking on my own laughter. i need some Artisan Spring Water to keep me from dying.

oh and i'm from Indonesia. you have international readers. congratulations. :)

ps. i like flying pirate giraffes. and my email is josephine.ngks@gmail.com

The Unrepentant Gallivanter said...

You are my new heroine!!

Leslie said...

Definitely brought the sexy lion. Very nice; I'm sure Kyle is properly repentant but that's too bad, so he should just troll on somewhere else. But maybe he enjoys the abuse.

By the way your eye makeup continues to be outstanding.

angryredhead said...

Holy shit. Best thing ever.

Ruth said...

That was the most awesome awesomeness that ever existed. If I insult you, will you make me a special video?

tactonrae said...

Holy crap was that funny... I hope that Kyle realizes the fun he has given all of us. YouTube needs this video and we all need to spread it around and get Allie on one of those best of the Web shows.

Sissy said...

I. can't. breathe.

Organic Meatbag said...

Wow...can you imagine how productive you would be if you actually had a job??? Hahahaha...kidding with you...I'd rather fuck around and do shit like make cool-ass videos than have a job... I can't imagine how many penises became erectified from your video...

Mrs. Booms said...

I need to go refill my prescription now.

For a multitude of reasons.

It's for depression and anxiety. In case you wondered.

Which you didn't.

Don't apologize.

It's too late.

Erin said...

What made me laugh the most was thinking about someone walking in on you while you were rolling around on the floor. Hilarious!

Duncan said...

Erin: If I had walked in on her rolling around on the floor it probably wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've walked in on her doing.

-Boyfriend

Danielle said...

Awesome!
and you are so pretty :)

mysterg said...

No Full Monty? And when you are writhing around on the floor it reminds me of that video in The Ring. Hot Stuff!

Random said...

Dude, I totally learned how to follow you! :) Hopefully this makes your world all happy and bright! And yes, I'm the Random that's too scared to blog at all. And the chick that also got caught eating a stick of butter. Basically your awesomeness has distracted me at work for the entire day. Thanks! :)

Rikki said...

I laughed so hard the dog barked at me.

CherBearBlue said...

You're f*ing hilarious...seriously. I'd kill for your ability to do something when you don't have a job. I spend my summers (I'm a teacher) editing ConservaPedia to talk about how Ann Coulter is really a left-wing operative set up with vagina that is a actually a grizzly bear waiting to devour any right wingers who get too close....that was my only creative thought in 2.5 whole fucking months. DO me a favor, work that into a post. Unless you're conservative. Then go ahead and swap it out for Keith Olbermann's rug or something. *sigh.

Nik said...

this is the silliest thing i've ever seen Missoula . . .

ha!

B-Town

notahitchingpost said...

Pretty sure that is the funniest thing I have seen in... well, a really long time!

If your enemies get awesome homemade videos, I would love to see what fabulous prizes your friends get!

Sarah P said...

This must make the VMAs.

erin said...

I blame you for the crispix that is all over my computer screen. Bitch.


I was planning on saying something mean so you would make me a funny video...but I just can't.

If I did shit like this I'd be like that Horatio guy on SNL that always laughs in the middle of the skit.

Amy said...

That was amazingly funny. Great job.

Sherri said...

I sure do hop Kyle is mean to you some more because that was the greatest 3:33 minutes in the world.

Nooter said...

that was nuts!

youre like a cinnamon jelly bean thats been soaking in lemon juice and dipped into a bag of crack then used as a suppository.

The Crap Blog Detective said...

Dear Hyperbollocks,

Not only does your blog suck but your furniture sucks as well.

We have reviewed your video and we are unimpressed by the blanket-covered-windows.

Rearranging the cowboyhat and telly for every shot to make your house look fuller than it really is, is very amateurish. Do you do the same when you have people around to visit?

Regards,
Crap Furniture Detective

The Crap Blog Detective said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mysterg said...

@The Crap Blog Detective

Can't say about the furniture but I'm pretty sure we would rearrange your face given half the chance.

Krysten Hartenstein said...

Amazing. Simply amazing.

CherBearBlue said...

omg the crap blog detective is back GET HIM!!!

Miranda said...

Did you know that 3 is the number of perfection, so 333 is a perfect number. It's got to mean something for your video.

Loved it!

Blaise said...

Really, Crap Blog Detective? That's all you have? Making fun of poor people? You're an idiot.

otherworldlyone said...

It kept cutting off around the 2:20 mark on my computer. Damn it. But what I saw was pure gold.

You are fucking awesome...Kyle has a boner...and the CBD needs to get laid. Maybe that will help his anger issues.

Amanda said...

I think I may have peed my pants from LMAO. I need a video camera. I am inspired.

Kim said...

I didn't know whether to laugh at the screen or lick it.
Well done hotstuff. That'll learn him.
x

Kb_Mal said...

You're my hero.

Lilith_ii said...

Oh crap, I just woke all my flatmates and probably half the neighborhood, roaring with laughter.

That was awesome!!!!

PS: OMG, you are THIN. I was suspecting, that you wore some layers at the beginning of the vid, but not that you put on all your possessions - I guess, those of your boyfriend as well.

Lilith_ii said...

Oh crap, I just woke all my flatmates and probably half the neighborhood, roaring with laughter.

That was awesome!!!!

PS: OMG, you are THIN. I was suspecting, that you wore some layers at the beginning of the vid, but not that you put on all your possessions - I guess, those of your boyfriend as well.

Jeanne said...

Note to self: Don't piss this woman off.

Judy said...

That was awesome. Even my mother laughed (and she's 80 this year).
Do you know an alternate spelling for Kyle is CHYLE?
The definition of Chyle is:

(From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Chyle is a milky bodily fluid consisting of lymph and emulsified fats, or free fatty acids (FFAs). It is formed in the small intestine during digestion of fatty foods, and taken up by lymph vessels specifically known as lacteals."
In other words; the mucusy sludge that collects after you've eaten a 22 oz steak.

Coopie said...

OH EM GEE. SWEET JESUS AND A HALF ON A MOPED.

This is the most amazing video in the history of homemade videos.

It totally just made my new year.

Cuddleslut said...

That was something else!

flipflops said...

That was pure, unadulterated amazingness. If Kyle didn't apologize after that, then it's probably time to try again with a new video.

Maxie said...

I want to make you angry so you will make me a hate video.

You're not funny.

Okay, you're actually very funny.

Can I still have a video?

Jovial Connoisseur said...

well i didnt follow up these arguments and disputes you and kyle is said to have. but i enjoyied this hell of a lot!!
thanks

LiLu said...

Ummmmmmmm.

You are my new hero.

THAT IS ALL.

Ben said...

Well. Played.

Hannah Miet said...

I cannot believe I didn't see this until now.

You are my hero.

Rabbit said...

You. Are. Brilliant.

(But I am sure you know that.)

Thanks for the blog!

Mary said...

Legendary. And also? Epic.

Woolly said...

Did someone order a bushel of AWESOME??? Cause you just delivered!!!

Simone Says... said...

This is the greatest thing I've seen in a LONG time. You are FRIGGIN hilarious. This video needs to be seen by millions. Is it on youtube? Dying laughing.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i hope that kyle totally rubbed one out to you.

that was fucking amazing lady, amazing.

bra-fucking-o

Gaius Gracchus said...

Umm... what the fuck is this? You promise us that you're going to strip, and you don't actually do it? This is practically just an expression of your feelings, or something else that doesn't matter to anyone in the world. Maybe you should just show your tits, or call it quits. :)

Moooooog35 said...

This really takes on a life of it's own when you watch it with 3D glasses.

DJ Buttaskotch said...

my mom just walked in on me watching that video. we had to have "the talk" afterwards.

Carlston said...

I think I just did a sex wee, it was that hot. Its certainly not work friendly, because otherwise there would be hoards of people crippled with laughter, costing the economy millions.

Also, CDB is an idiot, but you have to give him kudos on the noticing the furiture movement. That really takes some intense viewing to pick up.

Allie, your voice is nothing like what I thought it would be. I think i pictured it to sound more like my voice, cos i read your posts out loud [in my outside voice] usually. Your talking voice is remarkably different from your singing voice.

Kelly L said...

Oh my God. Can we be best friends? This is pretty much the most awesome thing ever.

Juliana said...

OH MY GOD-this was the very best post EVER posted in the land of the bloggy blogsphere. I just found your blog and I wish I knew how to quit you.

Ed said...

Why have I never seen this before?

I thought I had read all your old stuff.

I was really hoping there would have also been a comment from Kyle, trying to apologize, but I'm guessing his keyboard was a little messy after watching that.

I know mine was.

Also, you sound pretty much like I imagined, except a little older and maturer and less airheady.

J said...

So I came a little.

Awesome.

Anonymous said...

I know it's not exactly in the same ballpark, but, it's blogging, so:

You beat the crap out of iJustine.

Btw.

singedwingangel said...

CAme over from Say Anything and that was awesome lol. You are far from ugly I think your gorgeous and Kyle apparently is a moron

Kath said...

Hi. I just had to say 2 things:
1. Kyle is stupid.
2. I knew your voice would not be high. Because cool people have deep voices. Others may call us "manly," but they fail to realize we could kick their asses at any time, and are simply restraining ourselves. After all, not everyone can handle a beat down. Some of us just have to be the "better person" and wait till night before we egg their houses and use their underwear as flags.

Nick said...

First time commenting. Awesome possum message about creepy finding. But that's off topic. 2:06? Legitimately scared. I hope you never get mad at me....

r3 said...

Outstanding! Didn't make me feel weird inside or anything. Well done. You are much braver than I could ever be. I would never, ever, post a video of myself on the Internet. I just don't think I could handle it.

See, now I am feeling all strange about leaving all sorts of comments on your blog, even though I have been reading each one in order. Not sure if that makes any sort of sense or not. Really I am trying to cover up the fact that I can't get over this sneaky feeling that I am really actually supposed to be doing something rather important today or this morning or sometime soon. I just can't remember what it is.