Don't Read This. Seriously. Okay, Read It, But Don't Judge Me... Maybe Just Don't Read It.

I was still feeling kind of serious when I sat down to write this, but by the end of responding to you guys, I was feeling totally high on life and not at all serious, so there is a major lack of continuity between my responses.  At first I thought this was a bad thing because I wanted everybody to be even and get the same amount of seriousness in their reply from me, but then I realized that this whole post illustrates very clearly what you guys have done for me.  You guys are the difference between serious and whatever it is that I am being at the end of this post.  I don’t think there is a word for that yet.  Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Oh, and FYI: this will make a lot more sense (which is still not a lot of sense but more than none) if you open up the comments section on my previous post and read the questions that I am responding to.  Oh, and when I said I was being serious at the beginning of this post?  Remember that?  I really thought I was.  But then I read through this again and I totally wasn't serious at the beginning - just more serious than at the end.  I was feeling 40% serious at the beginning and -8000% serious at the end.  And that is not a real percent.  Maybe it is.  I should learn math better.  HOLY CRAP I NEED TO GO TO BED.  Please don't read this.  It is awful.  It is like a chintzy combination of puns, overly sentimental blabbering and randomly italicized sentences with some made-up words and a lot of exclamation points thrown in for good measure.  Please you guys.  Don't actually read it.  Just skim over to find the part where I talk about you and then go to bed because it has to be getting late where you are too.  

Okay, so I’ve been reading through all of your comments and… wow… I think I have the most amazing readers in the whole world!  I decided that I should respond to all of you individually in a new post so you are sure to see it because I really need all of you to know how much I appreciate your support. 

Amy – It makes me feel good to know that even my sad posts can be somewhat funny.  If I can’t laugh at myself, I am in a pretty dark place, so I am reassured by the fact that we can all see a little humor in the serious stuff. 

And you are right – I should get a thicker skin for what other think of me.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to not care, but I will definitely work toward a more rational attitude over the whole thing. 

I lay myself open for the world to look at, and I don’t really seem to care whether I am judged for my shortcomings, so why should I care if I am judged for trying to be successful?  I guess those are just too different kinds of judgments.  I am comfortable being vulnerable but not as comfortable being kickass.  And I simply have to throw in phrases like “kickass” to keep this from getting too serious :)

It is true what you say about not knowing any of you, but the truth is that I kind of feel like I do know you guys.   It’s weird.  Sometimes I’ll be thinking “what should I do today?” and then the first thing that pops into my head is “maybe I should call a whole bunch of my friends and go see a movie…” and then I realize that I just moved to a 3000 population town in the middle of B.F.N. Montana where I don’t know anyone except Boyfriend.  And those friends I was thinking I had?  Totally you guys. 

P.S.  I don’t think you even made a single typo.  

Angie – I have come to realize that funny people are the only ones to whom “you made me pee my pants” is a compliment :) So thank you for telling me that I made you pee your pants because, by the transitive property, that means I’m funny.  Is that how it works? 

I will look into being a columnist… but where?

Figworth – it is a common problem with women.  The more confident we look on the outside, the more fucked up we are on the inside.  At least usually.  Or maybe we are all really messed up inside because I’ve never really met anyone who appears to be fucked up on the outside but who is actually totally normal.  Sorry I said fuck twice.  Three times now.  Sorry

Memoirs of a Korean – I make people think?  That’s awesome!  I guess sometimes I try to throw a mind-bender in there, but now that I think of it, talking about how the inner workings of my mind work (can I say that sentence?) might promote self-reflection in others…  

And yes – please name your future baby(ies) Allie.  Especially if it/they is/are a boy.  Why have I included plural options?  Because you can never have too many kids named Allie.  

Okay, you know that part where I mentioned people that hate my blog and then you were all “I’m pretty positive no one could hate your blog”?  I totally made up the part about people hating my blog.  I have actually never received a negative comment.  I make these things up in my head and then I believe them.  It is crazy!  I will give myself all sorts of imaginary critics and put words in their mouths and then make myself feel bad all in the comfort of my own head.  None of it exists outside of my head.  Yet.  If they ever do, though, I fully expect that you will track them down and twist their nipples. 

P.S. What is your real name???  I looked everywhere on your blog for it (which actually turned out to be really awesome because your blog rocks) and I couldn’t find it and maybe I’m just blind and skipped over it because I kept getting wrapped up in your life and your band history and the part where your girlfriend’s mom said P’WOPOSE (because that was really freaking funny). 

Adelaide – The 1,500 visitors a day might be a little high because sometimes StatCounter does that.  I started out being totally psyched about getting twenty page hits and then, like a meth addiction, I started feeling like I needed more because I got more and then if I went back to where I was, that would mean I am losing.   Or something.  Forget about the meth part.  That doesn’t fit in as seamlessly as I’d hoped.

I will definitely ease into it (if I can make myself do it at all.)  I brainstormed for a few hours this afternoon and came up with some creative ideas for non-invasive money-making strategies that actually have the potential to be entertaining for you guys too.  I wouldn’t settle for less :)

BlackLOG – Totally.  The only reason I keep blogging is because I truly enjoy entertaining people.  It is one of those rare situations where everyone involved wins and I like that.  

And thus far, I have almost completely subscribed to the “build it and they will come” mentality (aside from setting up accounts on blog directories like 20sb and Humor Blogs).  I have never felt right about being a self-marketer (could I be any more redundant??) and so I have just kind of written stuff and hoped for the best.  And I will continue to hope for Mr. Zoot suit.  He is out there.  I know it.  I just hope he chooses me :)

Sara L – One of my favorite things about having this blog is that I can write something that I feel is too weird to even write (like some of the stuff that goes on in my head) and then I post it and lots of people come out and say they can identify with it.  That just blows my mind!  Here I am, thinking that I am all alone in the world and that no one will ever understand me - then I stumble upon this blogging thing and I find that there is a whole internet full of people who actually do understand me! 

I really do feel like I have made friends here.  And who knows?  Maybe someday when I am rich enough to organize it, we’ll all get together at the exact center of everything (so no one has to travel farther than anyone else) and then we can actually meet in real life.  (It won’t be a mandatory sex party -  I promise.)

Well, maybe we won’t be able to meet at the exact center of everything – I mean, it’s probably booked already.  We’ll have to find somewhere else.  Probably Iowa or something.  But maybe we will get to meet and that is the important part. 

And I really am trying to take all of this to heart.  I feel very conflicted.  On the one hand, I am overjoyed by the outpouring of praise from all of you.  On the other hand, there is a part of me that feels like all of these compliments are like a gift that I should feel guilty for accepting.   I have decided that it is good for me to try to work on accepting compliments, though.  

I will try to come up with a list of ways in which you guys can help, but I might not be able to work up the guts to actually publish it.   Because what if someone missed this whole post and they’re all “oh, so now she wants us to help her??” And then they judge me?

I promise I won’t get discouraged, though.   I use humor to deal with everything in my life.  It is very therapeutic for me because I get to solve my problems on a public forum in a funny way and then other people laugh and maybe get some insights into their own problems and then everyone wins, like, 10 times or something.   It is a win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win (I hope that was ten because I wasn’t counting) situation. 

Nikole – No you are the shit!  (Because you totally are anyway and also because “you spot it, you got it!”)

Can I use the part where you said that I am “a real girl living a less than perfect but more than hilarious life” in, like, everything I ever publish about myself ever? 

If I ever write a book, or pitch a book, or heck, even edit a book – I am totally putting that in there.  It sounds so awesome!  I really like myself now :) At least for the time being.  And now I have some ammunition against the bad thoughts. 

Bad thoughts:  RAAAWRRRRRRR!!!!

Me:  “I am a real girl living a less than perfect but more than hilarious life…” Pew! Pew!Pew!PewPewPew! (sound of laser guns shooting)

Bad thoughts:  (nothing.  Because they are dead.  Because you killed them with your awesome words.)

Thank you. 

And I am glad I can therapize you effectively.  We are all broken together and that makes us less broken. 

That was actually pretty profound and I don’t know if I am the first person to say that, but if I am I am trade-marking it and putting it in my book. 

Steam Me Up, Kid – First of all… you are fucking hilarious.  I just read your blog and got side-tracked from writing this note for way longer than I should have.  

And I appreciate the sentiment, but I am totally not the funniest shit out there because guess what other shit is out there?  You and The Bloggess and Memoirs of a Korean and Sherri and mysterg and Amy(who’s blog is new but totally hilarious) and Sarah fucking P (who is totally rad and makes me love her) and – how can I even make this list??  There are too many of you awesome people!!  If I get any more funny readers than I already have, I will never have enough time to write since I will be reading all of the time. 

BUT- the very fact that you guys are so funny and you think I’m funny makes me feel pretty fucking hilarious just by association.

One more thing – the part about setting the internet on fire?  I’m putting that on a shirt and wearing it because it is awesome!   But please don’t actually do it, okay? 

Mysterg – You guys will always be my favorites because I knew you first.  I could have a million readers and I would still be unhealthily attached to my first 200.  And yes, I am naming my first daughter “South Virginia.”  Wait…

Though I would never make you pay to read me, it makes me happy to know that I could if I wanted to. 

There are some parallels between being an athlete and the rest of my life, but the difference is that with running, I don’t really have to promote myself.  I can let my legs speak for themselves, and all the awards I earn are doled out based upon objective standards like place and time. 

Anyway, do you seriously think The Onion would hire someone like me?  Do you realize that I am me?  And that The Onion is THE FUCKING ONION????  Sorry I said fuck. 

Thank you for adoring me.  Adoration also helps with low self-esteem. 

Organic Meatbag – that made me feel better and it made me laugh at the same time.  And can I say how I love it that you are interacting with my other readers?  It’s practically like you are writing my content for me!  I think ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND likes you.  

Gigi – It is totally a woman thing.  Or maybe we just talk about it more than guys do.  I don’t know. 

Thank you for pointing out the age demographics thing.  I hadn’t previously thought about the breadth of my audience, but I guess it is pretty wide.  I found out that I made my mom and dad pee themselves the other night, and they are also at least 20 years older than me.  At least.  But I doubt that you are 20 years older than me.  At least judging by your pictures.  I know that I look like I am 15, Gigi, but I promise that I am not.  I am a real adult :)  I buy my own toilet paper. 

Sarah P – I think people need to start reading my comments regularly because some of you guys’ blog-post-length comments are more entertaining than my blog-post-length blog posts! 

A Facebook Fanpage?  Can I go under an alias?  Because here’s the thing:  I have only told 4 of my friends about this blog.  This is because I am embarrassed to have a blog and I don’t want some of the girls from my high school to come across this thing and be like “OMG you guys!  Did you ever think Allie B was going to be a blogger??  I thought she was going to be a neuroscientist or an Olympian… but now she has a blog! LOL!!!!” and then they would giggle and braid one another’s hair and talk about how lame I am now because obviously having a blog precludes achieving any of my other life goals.  Well guess what you snobby whores?  I am still going to be a neuroscientist and an Olympian and a blogger  ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.  And I am more popular than you now because I have at least 200 internet friends, so go jump in a lake! 

What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah – I was talking about why I didn’t want to make a Facebook Fan page because there would probably be some girls from my high school who would look at it and then be all “OMG you guys! Did you ever think….”

Fuck.  I lost my train of thought again.

Okay, I don’t know about Facebook, but I will definitely try Twitter once I can figure it out.  And maybe Facebook when I stop caring what snobby whores think of me or once my blog is famous enough that they can’t do anything aside from stare at me in awe.  Then maybe I’ll put my blog on Facebook. 

At any rate, I am starting to feel much better now.  Can you tell?  I am being almost as inappropriate as normal and I haven’t even gotten to the end of my responses to you guys.

This is why I love blogging.

Loys – Was I doubting myself?  I think I probably was, but I am actually feeling pretty good at this point.  I am in the middle of responding to a whole bunch of freaking rad compliments and I have almost totally forgotten that I was ever upset.  You guys are the best pick-me-up anyone could ever ask for.   I am totally coming on here next time I have an ugly day because I know I’ll leave feeling like Cyndi Lauper – who is a pretty woman from the 80’s and probably not the best example to use here, but whatever.  I can feel like whoever I want when I feel good about myself. 

Anonymous – Uh-oh… I thought I was making it better.   Can you remember what it said?  I don’t think I saved it…

Melissa – I am socially retarded as well.  And that’s on top of being afraid to ask people for things. 

And I think the example you gave (which you didn’t think you gave) was the best example you could have possibly given.  And I actually did want to hear it :)

Will you let me know when you start posting on your blog?  Also, if you need help, I am kind of retarded at knowing how to blog but I seem to be accidentally doing the right thing a lot, so maybe I can help?  I know a little bit about HTML and a lot about grammar.  And spelling. 

Juosen – Humor is like Prozac for me.  There is something about making fun of my shortcomings and insecurities that just makes them feel so much less menacing.   

My reasons for joblessness go thusly: after I graduated, I moved to a 3,000 population farming town and I am still in Montana and I competed in a year-round sport in college so I don’t have any recent work experience and most companies frown upon that even if you have a good reason. 

Also, I am still running, trying to qualifying for World’s next year (in cross country) so my training schedule gets in the way of being able to find a job since I also need to be able to train.  I am not about to give up the possibility of a professional running career to flip burgers 8 hours a day!  Basically, I am willing to starve for a little while if it means that I can keep my dreams alive.  Which is a really cheesy thing to say, but kind of also true.  

(I do make a little bit of money running.  I’ve won some prize-money races, but those are hard to come by and sometimes you spend almost as much money getting there as you make when you win.)

I don’t know if I’m comfortable setting up a donation button just yet, but I think I might have a better idea.  I will write post about it shortly.

Sara – I will totally make Mandatory Sex Party shirts and sell them.  How funny would that be?  Everyone would definitely win (especially if they came across someone else with their same number) and that is a money-making strategy that I am comfortable with. 

Reading your comment, I found myself thinking “Holy crap.  Sara can’t ask for water at a restaurant either.  I need to meet her.  But maybe we shouldn’t go out for drinks because we’d both end up really thirsty…”

But if we did, we’d be thirsty together and that would be okay.  At least we wouldn’t be drunk because that might end badly.  I tend to like to go on adventures when I am drunk and who knows where we’d end up and then you’d be like “where are we?? I want to go home!”  And I would feel bad for getting us lost even though I wouldn’t think we were lost because I’d be drunk and I never think I’m lost when I’m drunk. 

I need to go to bed… I am starting to just ramble incoherently.  I am sorry to all of the people toward the end of this list of thank you’s/responses because, while I might sound happier when I am responding to you, I also sound a lot more crazy and off-topic.  The people in the middle really had the best of me.  They got to be the meat and you guys have to be the bread.  I am sorry bread-people.  Please love me anyway.  I still love you – I just can’t express it as well at this point in the night.  Like, I still love Boyfriend even when I’m drunk – I’m just more likely to say “stop tilting the house, Asshole” when I mean to say “I love you” and he isn’t actually tilting the house because he is not nearly that powerful – I am just drunk.   Does that make sense?

Kait – Oh boy, Kait, you are lucky that you are at the end of my responses when I’m feeling all silly and happy again because I totally would have raged at you for saying that – JUST KIDDING!!!!   

I am disgruntled with the sell-outs too.   

I think that pretty much every blogger ever wants more followers, it is just the way that people handle getting followers that makes them sell-outs/not-sell-outs.  Like you said, it would be totally obnoxious for me to promote myself in every post saying “tell all your friends that I’m awesome so I can be rich and famous” – if I was serious.  Because I totally say all of that stuff.  But I’m joking, so it’s okay.  I can say whatever I want if I am being facetious.  For example: “Sure, I love to kill cats by stabbing them in the eye with a fire-poker!” and it is okay because I am joking.   I think. 

So I thought I was done, and I was like “Yes!  I can finally post this and feel really good about it until tomorrow morning at which point I will realize I was drunk off of sleepy and I wasn’t making any sense and I made eight thousand typos and now I have to go live in a yurt in Appalachia because I can’t ever show my face here again and I don’t know why I said 'yes!" about that in the first place…

But then I checked my comments again and I had three more after Kait.  Why do you people have to be so damn encouraging and thoughtful?  I want to commence posting this string of inane banter with myself that is kind of a thank you letter and also kind of just random words.  

CarrieAnn – you can wear whatever you want in your fantasy about having money to give me in my fantasy.  Let’s dress up like princess-ninjas!  It will be awesome!

Homemaker Man – I had a better idea while brainstorming today.  I will post about it tomorrow and you’ll be like “she probably actually is a princess-ninja because no other creature could think of something like that… something unobtrusive, yet financially gainful and it’s also fun for everybody!!”

Holy. Crap. You. Guys.   What am I saying to you?  If you thought I was a capable writer before, I have surely disproved that idea by now. 

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND – I’ll look into the obscene Origami.  It sounds kinky.  That was supposed to be a joke, but I guess it really isn’t.  Because Origami isn’t kinky.  It’s more bendy.  Or fold-y.  Is Origami even supposed to be capitalized?  What are words again?  I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

Fart. Duck. Y7. BAM!! 

That sentence (if you can call it that) made about as much sense as the entire last third of this post.  I am so sorry that I have disrespected your encouraging words by responding in such an inappropriate manner.  I seriously am feeling a ton better now, though.  You can comfort yourself in that knowledge.  In fact, I feel like I could pretty much conquer the world right now.  Maybe I will and then I can be in charge of money and jobs and whether or not prostitution is legal.

And guess what guys?  Now that I have finally finished this post, I realized that I just wrote my first book!  This!  This is my first book!  Do you think I can get any publishers to bite?   Maybe. 

Priscilla slowly slid her dainty hand into Heinrich’s bulging Khaki’s.  “Ow!” said Heinrich.  I don’t know why.  Maybe Heinrich shouldn’t have slept with that girl with all the piercings.  You are probably thinking that her piercings somehow wounded Heinrich’s delicate package, but no – she had Syphilis.  I hope Syphilis is a disease that makes penises hurt.   Not because I want penises to hurt, but because I want my story to be factual and I am too lazy to google Syphilis right now.  

I will most definitely get some offers now. That was pure poetic genius right there. 


Sara L. said...

I was so excited to see the length of my comment. : )

Glad you feel better!!

Sara L. said...

Oh, and "Artisan Spring Water." (Should the period be before or after the quotes?) I would like a drawing of a dragon fighting a graboid (those worm things from Tremors?) I think the dragon would probably win that fight, but you can choose who you want to win! (Hopefully the dragon will have fire coming out of its mouth!)

Hope that request isn't too difficult. My email is

I just have to say that I have been reading almost every single one of your posts to my boyfriend, and we have had a blast lately reading them. We quote it days after like it's a movie. Is it strange that we're quoting YOUR LIFE like it's a movie? I hope not...

BlackLOG said...

Ok I did as instructed and didn't read it. What now?

Nikole said...

You can totally use my words because I will feel like a total badass when I read them and then brag to everyone about how cool I am.

Nooter said...

um, are there cliff notes for your blog? started reading this on tuesday and im almost finished...

melissa_413 said...

I haven't even gotten through this whole post yet (I just don't have time right now, damn it all to hell!) but will you be my new BFF? We are so much alike, it's scary. Except that I'm boring and not very funny, but all the internal stuff, yeah.

Your message to Sarah P about not telling anyone you know about your blog because of what they would think? Hello! That's about 75% of the reason I haven't started mine yet, because if I don't tell anyone about it then who would read it? The other 25% being because I'm so boring and unfunny that I can't even come up with a good blog name. Every time I think I have a great one, it's already been taken. Stupid bastards who think clever thoughts before me! But whatev.

I'm so glad to be one of your first 200, so when you're big and famous and wiping your ass with cash (tangent: the remark about being an adult because you buy your own toilet paper made me LOL, I have a story about that /end tangent) I will hopefully be one of the ones you won't forget. Yay for the little people! (And by that I mean the peons, not real little people. But yay for them too!)

Have a fab day!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm so sleepy right now that when you wrote about your statcounter, it reminded me about my statcounter account, and I wanted to check it out but I never go straight from anyone's blog to statcounter because I'm afraid one day someone will see in their statcounter account that that's where I went after reading their blog, and then they'll think I'm vain and county of readers. I usually go to google for no reason, then to statcounter. So I did, but instead of going to statcounter, I typed in "artisan spring water" in the google search window. I didn't mean to, but I think that was my subconscious mind telling me it wants a drawing. Anything Sound of Music related. Or dog related. Or cookies.

Also, up there when I said you reminded me of my statcounter account, that was a lie. I've checked like 4 times today already. I was just playing cool.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

And if you're wondering how it is that people can see through their statcounter where I go after I read their blog, my answer is I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet, but you never know.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Memoirs of a Korean said...

I will name all my future children different forms of Allie. The first will definitely be Allie. The second Ah-llie. The third Ay-llie. And so on and so forth.

And yes, you make people think. At least, you make me think. I've been working on a long ass post with MY own romantic history because of you. I hope you don't mind. If it makes you feel better, no one reads my blog, so...

And if there's ever a hater, let me know. They don't call me Crab Claws Kim for nothin...

Oh, that reminds me. My name's Tony. Thank you for reading my blog, by the way. It makes me feel special. When I saw that you were following me, I cried tears of joy for a whole day! Not really, but I was extremely excited

Well, I'm glad that you feel better. Like I said before, you're awesome. When you get famous, I will always be here, ready, to twist some nips.

OhSweetSara said...

And being thirsty together means that when we complain about being thirsty to each other we will both be understanding and sympathize with one another because we accept our reasons for our thirst and we won’t judge each other for not being able to ask for water, because we know that if we were with anyone else and we complain about our thirst they’ll just be all judgey and say: “Well why don’t you quite being such a whiner and ask for some water?” And then you kind of want to cry ‘cause you can’t help it, and they just don’t want to understand because they are all confident and bad-ass and have no problem asking for what they want. Then you just end up mad and want to fire bomb their house, but because you are dying of thirst you forget where they live.

I'd totally be cool with a drunken adventure. I don't drink so I'd be sober but probably a bit hyper and I'd laugh a lot (because drink people crack me up) and everyone would think that I was drunk and I am crazy good with directions so when we got "lost" I would totally know the way back, and you'd be amazed and wonder where I got my super powers from, and I'd be all "If I told you, I'd have to kill you" and you'd be freaked for a minute but then you’d still be drunk and forget that I just freaked you out and then you would just be amazed and grateful that you made it home in one piece and you’d always want to hang out with me when you get drunk.

Kait said...


This was adorable. What other blogger would respond to every single comment they just got?

Allie, the Hyperbole and a Half Girl: setting herself apart since 2009*

*or the mid-80s sometime

Angie said...

"Fart. Duck. Y7. BAM!!"

This sentence of awesomeness reminded me of a video that you must see, if you haven't already. (And wow, I really hope you check old blog posts - I'm just now catching up on all your stuff from last year & it's crackin' me UP!)

Anyway, here's the video