Letters: Volume 4








Dear Stairs;

I hope I never fall down you.

Have a good day!

-Allie


Dear Cheese Grater:

Have you ever thought about self improvement?  I mean, you have a successful career and everything, but I think everyone can agree that you haven't reached your potential yet.  Haven't you ever wanted to be the absolute best you can be? No?

Okay.

-Allie

Dear Orange Juice;

Thanks for being awesome.  No other juice could ever compare to you.   Not even strawberry - kiwi.

-Allie

Dear Readers;

You realize I am writing letters to inanimate objects, right?

Well, did you realize that I just wrote a letter to juice?  Juice isn't even an object.  It's... juice.

But you're still reading, huh?

Just checking.

-Allie 


Dear squirrels;


Why won't you let me catch you??  Can't you see that I really need to touch your delightfully furry little bodies?   You are so cute and I just want to pet you.  I won't keep you.  At least not for long.   



DEAR CAPS LOCK;

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??  DO YOU HAVE A BREAD CRUMB IN YOU?  I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T EAT WHILE TYPING.   I AM SORRY I MADE A MISTAKE AND RUINED YOU, BUT IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE, I PROMISE THAT I WILL NEVER DRIP BURRITO GREASE ON YOU EVER AGAI -   


- WAIT, WHAT?  


NO, I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU.  IT ONLY LOOKS LIKE THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE BROKEN. 


NO, NO, NO - I'M NOT BLAMING YOU.  IT'S... JUST... I COULD REALLY COMMUNICATE A LOT MORE EFFECTIVELY IF IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE I WAS YELLING, THAT'S ALL.   IT IS HARD TO EXPRESS SYMPATHY WHILE YELLING.  IT IS ALSO HARD TO EXPRESS SINCERITY.  PLEASE JUST BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT I AM NOT ACTUALLY YELLING AND I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE BROKEN AND I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU BECAUSE WE BOTH WIN WHEN YOU ARE WORKING PROPERLY. 

IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST FORGIVE ME AND JUST LET THINGS GO BACK TO THE WAY THEY USED TO BE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.  


THANKS


-ALLIE


19 comments:

Ben said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(oh wait.)

bahahahahahahahaha

(i'm polite.)

lotgk said...

Brett Favre is going to be a little busy tonight going up against his former team. Perhaps once they win I'll put in a good word for you.

lotgk said...

BTW, I said "Boat" awhile ago and stated my demands, yet, no reply...
:D

Maxie said...

if you draw me a liger I'll have your baby. sorry i'm partial to those over griffins.

mysterg said...

My father once had a squirrel run up his leg once - I think it thought he was a tree. Needless to say he discovered the wrong type of nuts.

Sorcerer said...

a letter to caps lock.
wow!! touching

Russ said...

Allie, I got some squirrels in my attic, you are welcome to them. If you time it just right, there may be some baby squirrels in it for you!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

ahahaha!! Liked the one to the cheese grater! Some things are sooo arrogant!

seejaneblab said...

Today I was walking not being intimidating at all, and a wee little squirrel practically catapulted it's smal body out of my path. Thats when I knew that I would never accomplish my dream of having a pet squirrel named Nut.

JK about the pet, but seriously that poor squirrel was afraid.

Funny blog.

Jane

rambunctiously softspoken said...

in my head, when i was reading this (the caps lock one), i pictured (heard?) you yelling, even when you were apologizing......like in the movies when everyone is yelling and then someone says "WHY ARE YOU YELLING" and then the other person say "I DON'T KNOW" -or- "I'M NOT YELLING" and then person one says "YES YOU ARE!" and then person two says "WELL I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HELP IT" ......and then that continues on for like another five minutes.....

anyway. i giggled a little.

Woman In The Midst: Raw said...

Okay, note to self.. Do not read this blog while drinking chocolate milk! Chocolate milk coming out of your nose does NOT feel good and tastes disgusting when you accidentally freak out and start sniffing it back into your head!
OMG!!! You are going to kill me with your blog but at least I will die laughing!!!!!! My kids are starting to look at me weird tho because they think I'm just laughing at the blonde chick.. They're like, "But Mom she isn't doing anything, it's not a video.."
Hey! There's an idea, make a video!!! If for no other reason than to show my children that you are indeed hysterical!
My children think I'm crazy.

Rick said...

You are hilarious. I love your blog.

Allie said...

Ben - politeness is inappropriate here. :)

lotgk - the password has changed due to a scandal. I trust you know where to find it. If you can give me the new password and an email address, I will grant you your wish. Thanks for putting in a good word for me. I will mother those womb-warriors yet!

Maxie - looks like you are going to be having my babies... and I might be having Brett Favre's babies, so by the transitive property you are having Brett Favre's babies... wait... it doesn't work like that...

mysterg - maybe it was a molester squirrel and it discovered exactly the kind of nuts it was after.

Sorcerer - your comments and emails never cease to crack me up!

Russ - I would be honored to take your squirrels. I would positively wet myself if I could actually hold a baby squirrel. There's just something about rodents that I find outrageously adorable...

Roshni - The cheese grater has agreed to a performance review in which I will attempt to convince it to grate more cheese and less finger.

Jane - Boyfriend got attacked by a squirrel once while we were running. It was one of the coolest things that has ever happened right in front of my eyes.

Caitlin - you are good at getting me. Maybe it's genetic??

Woman in the Midst- I will sincerely consider posting a video (I have one posted on this blog already, but I don't think the world is ready for that kind of crap yet...I might be the only one who gets it, and that either means that I'm crazy or just not as funny as I think I am. I think it's the first one. Anyway, the video is called "soundtrack inappropriate." Maybe your children will understand?)

If that doesn't do the trick, I will seriously consider making a video for you. But, as you will read in my post tomorrow, I have some reservations about what a video of me could do to people.

At any rate, I'm sorry about the milk. :)

Rick - thank you! I try...

lotgk said...

That's OK, no problem.

Hipstercrite said...

ok, this post makes me realize something. i've always known that you're funny, now i think you might be a little woo-woo in the head.

timoteo said...

Dear Allie,

When writing letters has run its course, I would suggest using post-its to label everything. I do this often, more so when I was an intern sharing an office with 5 other people. I think you can see the potential these post-its have...I left one such note on my fellow interns sandwich, with a caption reading "Please don't eat me, my family will miss me"

I've never seen a more guilty look on someone eating a sandwich...

Timoteo

bonequinhoda bic said...

EI KID !...KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Nomad said...

any word from farve yet? he never answers my letters...

Noelle said...

Me and Ben got drunk at James Bar the other night, and I spent an inappropriate amount of time telling him how badly Brett Farve makes me want to buy levis. You and Duncan need to come back and make games/wine nights less awkward.