Letters: Volume 5


Dear Bellybutton;

You are weird.

But I think it would be even weirder if you weren't there.

Have a good day!

-Allie


Dear Me;

Why are you so lame? Do you even remember the last time you woke up before McDonald's stopped serving breakfast? I know you don't eat at McDonald's because your soul hasn't yet been completely sucked out by the crushing responsibility of buying your own toilet paper, but wouldn't it at least be nice to have the option?

Do you remember when you used to actually care about avoiding things like E. Coli and Salmonella poisoning? Doing the dishes may seem like a lot of work compared with the minute risk of contracting a gastrointestinal disease from eating macaroni off the unwashed plate you used to defrost pork two nights ago, but prevention is always a good strategy. You can't exactly afford more antibiotics right now anyway. Do you want to die? I didn't think so.

Also, please start wearing deodorant again. If you can't find it in one of your moving boxes, buy more. It costs $1.99 at WalMart. You can probably find that much change in your couch.

It might also help if you didn't spend your money on stuff like SuperBalls and plastic rings. Those things are way less important than personal hygiene and food, even though they are much more fun and sparkly.

Oh, I see - your immediate goal of obtaining a colorful bouncing object is more tangible than achieving lasting material comfort.

I get that.

But do you have any idea how many SuperBalls you could buy if you actually applied yourself in the world? Probably eleven, but you should still try.

Love,

Allie


Dear "brain";

I have no idea why you though that the word "want" should be spelled "one't," but you did.

Let's not do that anymore, okay? There are people in the world who actually read what I write and they might think that I am insane if you keep doing things like that...

Yes, that's right... normal people don't write letters to their own brains.

Touché.

But normal brains don't sass their people. So suck it, brain.

-Allie


Dear ______;

You are full of shit.

Actually, you are full of intestines.

But your intestines are full of shit.

Literally.

Ew.

I thought of this joke when I was nine. You can't even tell, can you? God, I'm brilliant.


Dear Tiny Flying Bugs;

You are not nearly important enough to be present in such large numbers. I don't know what God was thinking when He made you, but He was wrong. Unless His goal was to annoy me as much as possible. Then He'd pretty much be right on.

What do you even do aside from finding new and creative ways to get into my eyes?

You realize that you are flying around in a swarm for no particular reason, right? What I am saying is that it is not necessary to get together with all of your friends and fly around as fast as you can while turning randomly. That's right. You don't need to do that anymore.

Okay, I have just been informed by Google that there actually is a point to your activities and that what you are doing is called a "mating swarm" which is just entirely inappropriate.

Please do not "mating swarm" in my eyes anymore.

-Allie


Dear Sticky;

Get off of me!!!! Get off get off get off!!!

-Allie

15 comments:

juliaelise said...

dear Allie:
i love you. yoyur my new favorite blogger, behind The Bloggess. keep it up, your hillarious.

Memoirs of a Korean said...

Dear Allie,

Oh, how you make me laugh...I wish I could count the ways.

I did meet someone who didn't have a bellybutton. True story...something happened when the doctors cut off the umbilical cord, so they had to put a patch of skin from her ass over her belly button. It was strange...

Love,

Tony

Gigi said...

Okay, if I was half drunk... Maybe I'd understand. Asit is I'll read it in the morning! Luv you!!

Amy said...

You're really something special.

Kyle Webs said...

ahahaha

this is great!

The Crap Blog Detective said...

I have reviewed your blog and the one question I feel has not been answered is as you write yourself. Why are you so lame?

Hayli said...

Tiny bugs like.
The almost invisible ones that always hang out riiiight when the sprinklers go off. And you walk through and your like pfft pft putt pfufjttht.
BECAUSE THEY FLY (or just jump magically around in the air) STRAIGHT INTO YOUR MOUTH.
I have tried to have this conversation with several people. Nobody knows what i'm talking about.

Hannah Miet said...

"But do you have any idea how many SuperBalls you could buy if you actually applied yourself in the world? Probably eleven, but you should still try."

I know I am quoting you back at you. And that doesn't really make sense to do. But you're hilarious.

The intensines full of shit actually made me laugh. So, there's that.

miss. chief said...

Dear Allie,

Hi. How are you? I am fine. Do you like cats? What about porcupines?

The end.

Frum Miss.C

drawkward said...

i once met someone who'd had their bellybutton surgically removed. well, plastered over. it was the weirdest thing...she looked like a barbie doll.

Nikole said...

I hate those bugs! It's like they're trying to get in my eyes/land in mouth/get sucked up my nose. Bitches

Sarah P said...

I'm going to buy Iams cat food for my cats because I saw an awesome ad on your other site for Iams. I even took a survey on the Iams site.

I support Iams -> Iams supports you -> I win.

(Is that how it works?)

Did you know you can customize Adsense ads to match your color scheme? Word.

If I follow you on Twitter, I expect lots of skull fucking and stuff, not just a bunch of crap about lip gloss and <*I'm bord lol N txt meeeee!!*> because if that happens, I will find out where your 3K-population town is, and I will picket.

Sarah P said...

MANDATORY SEX PARTY bachelor/bachelorette party stuff!

His and Hers!

Boas and tiaras and penis straws that say, "MANDATORY SEX PARTY!"

I kind of want to have a cake made that says "Mandatory Sex Party" on it and send a photo to CakeWrecks.

P.S. Beer coozies and wine glass tags.

mysterg said...

My favourite joke as a nine year old was:

Q: "Why did the man cross the road?"
A: "Becuase he had his hand up the chickens anus!"

Beth Niquette said...

Hahaa..that is really funny!