Boyfriend Ate Two Whole Bags of Skittles and Now He is Terrorizing Me



Remember how I said “I am going to write another post today”?  Well, I’m trying, but Boyfriend is not being very helpful at all. 

That sentence up there?  The one that I wrote just then?  It took me 27 minutes to complete it.  Do you want to know why?  Because Boyfriend is all cracked out on sugar and excited about Halloween because he is the most festive fucking person I have ever met in my life.  He has been almost constantly interrupting me with a steady stream of overly excited verbal diarrhea, including jewels like:
“Never eat a burrito from both ends… ”  
And “you should Google the ‘Merry Maids’… maybe we can get one and she’ll make me cookies… wait… we don’t have internet, huh?  Remind me to Google ‘Merry Maids’ when we get the internet again”
And  “Do you want to get me some milk?  Are you going to answer me?  No seriously… can you get me some milk please?  Do you want me to be grumpy?”
Guess what he’s doing now?  Really… guess.
I bet you didn’t guess that he is eating a burrito, reading TIME magazine and singing the theme song to Transformers, but that’s what he’s doing. 
He just cracks like this every now and then.  He spends the majority of his time being the level-headed, responsible one in our relationship and then, out of nowhere, he decides to eat two whole bags of Skittles and his blood sugar goes all crazy and he loses his shit and starts doing stuff like bumping into me with the top of his head while laughing uncontrollably.  
He just asked me to get him milk again.  He says that he will write stuff for me while I’m away getting him milk.  
Boyfriend:  Milk is a great source of vitamins and minerals and it helps the body grow to be strong.  It’s nutritious and delicious! Did you know that milk comes from cows? No, seriously, think about that.  That’s fucked up. I don’t care though.  I think they should replace water in drinking fountains with milk.  Not skim milk though. Skim milk is bullshit.
That was Boyfriend.  He wrote that, took one swig straight out of the jug of milk and then said “Mmmm… That’s good.  Can you take it back now?”  And then he set the jug of milk in my lap. 
He is antagonizing me on purpose because I spend too much time blogging and not enough time staring at him and listening to him prattle on about milk.  
Now he is lamenting the fact that FedEx doesn’t go by “Federal Express” anymore because they had to shorten it “since even drunk people can say FedEx and then even drunk people can send packages… try saying Federal Express when you are drunk: (makes incomprehensible sounds)”
Now he is asking me if I ever heard the story of how FedEx started because “it is a story of triumph… like, they should have made a basketball movie about it except instead of basketball, it would be about packages… and about overcoming the odds – can you go to Tassimo dot com?  Oh wait… nevermind.  Are you just writing down everything I say?  No seriously?  Are you?  Stop it!” 
He’s getting kind of mad, but guess what?  Maybe he should stop talking and let me actually write a real blog post.
Now I am trying to convince Boyfriend that my journalistic integrity depends on being able to post the truth about him.  He said “I am going to sue you for libel - I don’t even know what that means, but I’ll do it!” 
Do you want to know what’s weird about Boyfriend?  To most people, he seems introverted, even downright shy.  He almost never talks.  But when we are hanging out in the confines of our apartment, I cannot get him to shut up.  When he is attention starved or hyperglycemic he talks almost constantly.  Right now, he is literally reading every ad in TIME magazine out loud to me.  He is yelling “Pleasing cheeses!!!!!!”  Apparently there is an ad for pleasing cheeses.  It’s like if there are words in his head, they are going to come out of his mouth regardless of whether they are pertinent or even intelligible.   Sometimes he just sits there and makes sounds. 
Okay, he went into the kitchen to make sugar cookies.  He is yelling something, but I can’t really understand him.  I’m just going to ignore him and let him talk it out with himself and then maybe I can actually write something witty or intelligent.  Oh wait… he figured out that I wasn’t listening and he stuck his head around the corner to announce:  “This recipe is crazy!  There’s two of everything – two cups of sugar, two sticks of butter, two teaspoons of vanilla… except the flour kind of fucks it up since there are five cups of it.”
He likes round numbers and orderliness.  He can’t stand it when I dig for cookie dough and mess up the symmetry of the ice cream we are eating.  He has a total boner for charts and graphs – he makes spreadsheets in Excel for entertainment.  
I was going to write a post about my aversion to sunglasses, but -
HE IS DRAWING ON ME WITH A PEN. 
He just wrote “NANANANANANA” on my thigh.  I tried to stop him several times but he was doggedly persistent in his goal of branding my flesh with his inane scribbling. 
I should probably stop writing and pay attention to him before I end up looking like I passed out first at a frat party.   He is really ruthless when he gets into “drawing-on-skin” mode.  I feel like I am writing in a war-zone with dangerous and chaotic events happening all around me – except for that I’m not really in any danger. 
I’ll write about sunglasses tomorrow.  Maybe.  Or maybe I'll write about something else.  I like to keep things mysterious...

Here is an abnormally tan/orange-looking picture of my thigh with the word "NANANNANANANA" written on it in blue ink.  
I promise I am not actually this orange.  I just had to crank up the saturation of the picture so that I didn't look pasty and also so you could see the word clearly, becuase otherwise I might have just looked like I had a bruise.  
God, please excuse me for this post.  
P.S.  Do you want to hear something interesting about you guys?  I have written much, much longer posts than my last post, but since my last post had 36 numbered steps, you got all intimidated and were like "meh - too long."  I am sorry I made you undertake a multi-step task to read about how I abhor undertaking multi-step tasks.  It just isn't right. 
I always write long posts when I remember to take my drugs.   I still have an ADD brain that has lots of thoughts, but suddenly I have the focusing power to actually express all of them.  You should see me talk - I'm like... well probably a lot like Boyfriend was tonight.  

24 comments:

Christopher said...

I have been meaning to come by and say that I adore this blog...you're a nutbag, up there with my girl Kathy Griffin.

xoxo

Canoncowgirl said...

Made for each other? I'm thinking so lol ;-) I'm very scared of that photo of Boyfriend. That may be the most menacing happy paper chain ever. It's like he didn't make a happy paper people chain so much as he crafted minions to do his bidding (insert crazy laugh). Not helping his case against being a serial killer lol. Sounds like a good source of entertainment though (boyfriend being sugar high not him being a serial killer). Heck if you're ever bored just give him some skittles and watch him go! Just either make sure he crashes and goes to bed before you do or hide all the markers. Either way you may end up with an essay about Joe awesome milk is on your face.

what else did I want to say? Oh! The whole time I've been reading your blog (all a couple weeks or so) i've been confusing "hyperbole" and "perabola" which is dumb because if anything I should be confusing hyperbole and hyperbola but I was totally imagining a single arch (and a half) none of that top and bottom mirror arch crap. so apparently I'm not only confused regaurding the english language but also on geometry terms.

Ps: forgive my spelling or if random words show up in my sentances that make no sense. I'm writing on my iPhone and it doesn't have spell check which I need to survive, and it likes to change the words I write cause it's an asshole.

Canoncowgirl said...

*HOW awesome milk is. Damn you phone! Did I seriously write all that?? Jeeezus

Nikole said...

My cousin/roommate loves milk an unnatural amount. She has milk with literally every meal of the day. The best part (or the worst, depending on how you look at it): we have 3 cartons of milk in our fridge right now fat free, 1% and 2% because she drinks different milk with different food. She's like a goddamn milk connoisseur. It's ridiculous.

Sarah P said...

Video blog: boyfriend squirts milk out his eyes. You'd make a trillion dollars.

omchelsea said...

write more long blogs. This was not long enough! lol

otherworldlyone said...

Very amusing. But you know, if you'd hit him once or twice he probably wouldn't harass you so much.

Angela said...

I think milk is of the devil. It is disgusting. My husband loves it. He's not allowed to touch me until he has brushed his teeth.

He gets all jacked up on sour patch kids and starburst. When he gets out of control I just go have sex with him. That usually shuts him up pretty good so I can actually write coherent blog posts. But if he was making cookies, I would let him finish the cookies, then the sexing, then eat all the cookies while he is asleep. Win-win.

You are hilarious. You are my new blog hero.

OhSweetSara said...

Oh my goodness! Mine is the same way when I don't pay attention to him. He will do everything in his power to distract me from whatever it is that I am doing just to pay attention to him. He breaks into song in the most girlish voice he can muster, pokes me in the sides, threatens to eat ALL the food, he’s worse than my 8 year old.

At least yours makes cookies. That's a good quality to have in a boyfriend. Unless you’re (me) on a diet and you have no self control when it comes to cookies and you end up eating cookies till you feel sick and then you spiral into a never ending binge eating disaster and end up feeling worse then you felt before you started your diet. Then it would just be an asshole quality for a boyfriend. Man, am I glad my boyfriend doesn’t make cookies.

Conquer The Monkey said...

hilarious. love your blog, just came across it! Will now be following / subscribing.
Come on by to say howdy!
Cameron
www.conquerthemonkey.com

bellyshirts said...

my boyfriend does the same thing sometimes when he drinks coffee and then i want to punch him in the face because he is interrupting my epic blog posting. Which really isnt that epic. And then he decides to pretend to be all my coworkers and use their names to comment on my blog. and then they see "their comments"...

so yeah he is pretty much not allowed to have caffeine ever now.

Erin said...

You are my new favorite blogger ever. In a non-stalkerish or pathetic sorta way..can we be best friends?

If not, I'd settle for some coupons for ARTISAN SPRING WATER! Please email to layne1020@hotmail.com. No preference on what type of coupon you send. Thanks!

Arielle Lee Bair said...

Hahahaa. I can't stop laughing. :)

Ellie said...

Sugar = high = strictly forbidden. Unless you record it and put on youtube. Or other tubes, if appropriate ;)

Noelle said...

I could totally say "Federal Express" while drunk. I wish I was incomprehensible while drunk- that would actually solve a lot of problems for me.

Milk is gross. It has that "fresh from the teat" flavor to it that weirds me out.

Don Guitar said...

I'm something of a google freak so I googled Merry Maids. It's a housecleaning service, what's he trying to say? :) I also went to tassimo.com; it's a sissy* coffee maker. What's that got to do with fedex?

*I say sissy because I'm very plebeian when it comes to coffee. I like Folgers artificially flavored hazelnut, brewed (not too strong) in my dollar store drip coffee maker. I don't adulterate it with plant extracts (like cane sugar), artificial sweeteners, dairy products or synthetic dairy products and I dislike all other brands and varieties of coffee. Starbucks coffee, ANY varety thereof, is the most vile and despicable substance I've ever tasted. I'd honestly prefer to drink stagnant water than Starbucks coffee.

How come your bf is going around in tight little circles while you're taking medication for ADD? :) Life's funny like that.

Best regards.

raysgal said...

I actually enjoyed your last post with the 36 numbered steps.
The funny thing is my mild ADD distracted me about halfway through and I went off to read my friends page on LJ before remembering I was still in the middle of reading your post.

And your boyfriend is pretty much how I am within the confines of my home. If I could get away with it there would be much body writing on various younger siblings.
Once I leave my house I don't talk unless it's absolutely necessary.

[Mrs. B] said...

those are some CRAZY eyebrows he has. maybe they're part of the reason behind his temporary insanity. just a thought.

walkingonsunshine18 said...

It seems like you two may just be perfect together! Love the blog! :)

kaloo said...

I guessed the Burrito but not the TIME or the Transformers. Does that mean I'm an idiot?

Sarah said...

Milk is good, skittles are disgusting.

Nooter said...

mmm.... skittles....

Kendall said...

Great blog! By the way there is an actual word for verbal diarrhea it is Logorrhea. Google it!

Oh and I didn't put that to be rude I just thought you would like to know about it in case you ever decide to use it!

Holly said...

I talk like Boyfriend does all the time. I also make very loud noises and scream at things for no reason.

"It’s like if there are words in his head, they are going to come out of his mouth regardless of whether they are pertinent or even intelligible. Sometimes he just sits there and makes sounds."

Me. That is me. Just change the He's to She's. I also ask people if they have faces.