I AM THE CHAMPION!!!



I win things every day.

Does that mean I'm awesome?

Probably.

But it also means that I am really good at coming up with totally arbitrary challenges for myself to win.   That's right:  I make up contests in my head just so that I can win them and feel good about myself.

For example:

If I guess what time it is and I am even reasonably close to the actual time - I win.

If I am pumping gas and I get the price to equal X amount of dollars and zero cents - I win.  Even if I have to pump some gas on the ground to do it.

If I can hold my breath for a whole minute - I win.

If I meet someone and I try to guess their name before they tell me what it is and it turns out that their name starts with the same letter as the name I guessed - I win.  Then, if I space out because I am thinking about how much I won and I suddenly realize that I have no idea what the other person is talking about and that they just finished a sentence and their voice kind of went up at the end which means that they asked me a question and now they expect me to answer and I say "yes" because I figure that is a pretty common answer and the person doesn't notice that I wasn't listening because "yes" was the answer they were looking for - I win.

If I can find a matching pair of socks - I win.  I win double if I can do it in under a minute.

If I am on a date with Boyfriend and I finish my hamburger before he finishes his - I win.  

If I am reading a Pottery Barn catalog and I find the most expensive item - I win.

Along those same lines:  If I am in the grocery store and I happen upon the wine aisle and I find the most expensive wine - I win.   I win again if I can find the cheapest wine.  If I can find a wine for under $3, I get drunk and then I win again.

If I am eating potato chips and I find a chip that is folded over on itself - I win.  If I find two folded chips in a row, I win and I also get good luck for nine whole years.

If I look at a clock and it happens to be exactly something o'clock and zero seconds- I win.

If I type twenty words in a row without hitting backspace - I win.

If I pick up a deck of cards and yell "clubs!" and then draw a card and it isn't a club - I don't win, but I will yell "clubs!" again and keep picking cards until I pick the right suit and then I win.

If I am walking on a sidewalk and I manage not to step on even a single crack - I win.  And my mother's back remains unbroken, so she wins too.  And when my mom wins, I win, so that means I win double!   Heyyyo!

If I buy something and it costs an even dollar-amount - I win... even if I don't actually have that dollar amount.  You should definitely get store credit for checking out with an even dollar-amount...

If I close my eyes and throw a wadded up piece of paper at Boyfriend and I hit him - I win.  If I hit him in the face, I win double.  If he gets all pissed off and says "stop it,"  I win because I guessed he was going to say that ahead of time and I was right.

If I wake up in the morning and I really have to pee and when I pee, I pee for longer than I have ever peed before (at least on record) - I win.  I may be the only person in the world who keeps records of how long they can pee, but look at it this way:  you don't get to win as much as me, do you?  I bet that puts it in perspective...

If I spell Fahrenheit correctly without needing to use Spellcheck - I win.

If I spill cereal on the floor and I guess a number that is even somewhat close to the actual number of cereal pieces on my floor - I win.  And I don't have to pick up the cereal because I won.  Duh.   You'd think that this would be a simple concept to grasp, but Boyfriend struggles with it.  He asks "wait...you won what?"  And I say "I guessed the right number of cereals on the floor!"  And he says "and that means that you don't have to pick them up...?"  And I say "exactly!"  And then he starts lecturing me about the "real world" and blah, blah, blah...

Even today, I went for a run with Boyfriend, and I ended up winning.  We ran on a long, straight stretch of road before turning off onto a different road.  Just before we turned off on the other road, I heard a car coming up behind us and I realized that it was the first car we'd seen on that particular stretch of road.  I immediately thought "I can't let it pass me because if I make it to the end of this road without getting passed by a single car, I win!"

I started sprinting so that I could beat the car to the end of the road.

Boyfriend looked at me weird and then the driver of the car looked at me strangely too, but none of that mattered because I won!

This all may seem silly until you consider that I get to be a champion on a daily - sometime hourly - basis.  In fact, I probably won more stuff than anyone else today, so I win again!

Winning is easy when you put your mind to it!  Sometimes I think I should become an inspirational speaker and try to enrich the lives of others with my winning ways.

And then I realize that if everyone else was winning as much as me, I may be in jeopardy of losing at winning the most.  Then I give up on helping people and simply devote the rest of my life to winning as many pointless contests as possible... until I realize that I can actually win at losing the most, at which point I will cease to be even the least bit productive because I will finally have an excuse for being lazy.

Banana.

Guess what that was?

If you guessed a contest in which I challenged myself to integrate the word "banana" into the end of a blog post, you are right!  You win!  And I win because I said banana.

P.S.  I also win because I wrote two posts in a row with titles written in caps and I didn't even know it.

P.P.S.  It is 12:00 exactly so I win again.

P.P.P.S.  I win for writing a post-post-post-script.

Edit:  I was just informed that my behavior may actually be a sign of uncontrolled OCD.  Does that mean I lose?

42 comments:

Maelstrom said...

Yes, it does mean you lose. But since you guessed that already, you win!

Mike Steelman said...

Thanks. I needed a good laugh to start the day! And for that, YOU WIN!!!!!!!

carissajaded said...

haha this is awesome. I say you also win, OCD or not. I play some of these with myself. I also play the "sit down on a toilet without looking at it" game. If I sit down and don't get someone else's pee on my butt, I win! But i lose very often, so I think I'll quit!

Nomad said...

good to know i'm not the only one who plays these games.

the clock ones are definitely some of my favorites.

also:

if i sneeze and dont get snot on myself or anyone else. i win.

if i buy a kids ticket for a movie and the ticket ripper doesnt notice. i win.

if i can listen to a whole rihanna song without hitting someone i win.

i have to hand it to you(i hate that saying), i've been blogging for about 2 months now looking for someone who is half as funny as me, you are 3/4-6/8ths. so... you win!

Mr. McFartnuggets said...

I've recently found out that if I lose, I win. So that's been confusing.

Nooter said...

um, is it time for the free candy yet?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i laughed out loud at almost every single one of these especially this one -

If I am eating potato chips and I find a chip that is folded over on itself - I win. If I find two folded chips in a row, I win and I also get good luck for nine whole years.

you're hilarious.

i win.

Woman In The Midst: Raw said...

YOU are a winner with a capital "w" - capitilization of the "w" purposely omitted so that you would notice and again declare yourself a WINNER! - =)

Narm said...

Tip - eat Honey Combs - much easier to count than Rice Crispies. Also, way easier for the Boyfriend to clean up - see, he wins too!

Maxie said...

OMG I do the peeing thing too. I usually sing a song to measure the length of the pee.

If I'm fast forwarding on my DVR and stop right when the show starts after commercials - I win.

If I have exact change - I win.

If my bath is the perfect temperature - I win. So what, I take baths. Don't hate.

Jamie said...

Remember when you first joined 20SB and I was like Dude you're my favorite new blogger evah.

I must have predicted this awesomeness of an entry.

I win.

Josh Gard said...

Your posts are making a becoming a regular guest star on my Tumblr! :)

http://j.mp/13erQl

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i thought i was the only person in the world who loved folded over potato chips. it's a win-win

bonequinhoda bic said...

hahahahahahahaha "shit" I just pissed LAUGHING...

Carlston said...

Who counts how long they pee for?
Yes that's it, WINNERS!

Girl Meets Gun said...

No, I think I WIN. Why? Because I'm commenter number 16, and we all know 16 is the sweet number! Sweet 16!

I play games in my head alllll the time. Not nearly as much as that, but sometimes I give myself treats instead of saying I win. Although it really is winning if I say, "If you fold all the socks and underwear before noon and put them away, you get a Hershey Kiss." So, I won a Hershey Kiss! Or, "If I finish all the dishes before Chris gets home I get to be lazy the rest of the night," I win AGAIN because I spend most of the day being lazy already, and then did one hour of work, and got to be lazy AGAIN!

YAY! WE WIN!

mysterg said...

You win! As funny as this post is - and I'm glad to know that someone else also times themselves for how long they pee! - there's also a serious point hidden in here.

You can either go through life as a loser or a winner. Any anyone who says that it is the taking part that counts is a loser!

FreeMoneyMama said...

Slartibartfast, baby! Draw ME and you win again!

Allie said...

Maelstrom - good point! I am choosing to focus on the winning part...

Mike - Maybe that's why I blog... because I feel like I win every time I make someone laugh!

carrissajaded - That sounds like an awesome game, but only if you win. If you lose, you have pee on your butt and then your butt might get confused because pee really isn't it's jurisdiction. Wow, I just made a butt/pee/poo joke. I am really going downhill fast...

Nomad - I would say that I am at least 11/12ths as funny as you. At least. Glad to hear that I'm not alone on the OCD games, though!

Mr. Mcfartnuggets - sorry to confuse you, but what do you think it's like being me? Not straightforward, I'll tell you that much! :)

Nooter- um... not yet... we'll get to the candy at some point though, don't you worry...

alexa - I almost didn't post the potato chip one because I thought "surely no one else will understand this!" But I was wrong! And I win!

Woman in the Midst - I totally did win because I totally caught the capital W thing... :)

Narm - what a positively diplomatic strategy! And I like that the Honeycomb would be easier to count and therefore I would win more often! Wait... what if I used shredded wheat? Like the old shredded wheat that is just one giant biscuit! Then I would almost always win!

Maxie - YOU SING IN THE BATHROOM TOO??? We have to meet someday...

Jamie - I remember when you said that! It made me feel like I could be somebody in the world and maybe I am actually going to get to be somebody after all! Thanks for believing in me :)

Josh - you are quickly becoming my number one commenter! I'll make you some sort of award someday when I can think of something awesome enough to bestow upon you!

speaking from the crib - I totally thought that too... and I was super surprised when that turned out to be the topic that everyone identified with! I feel very connected with the whole world right now...

Diego - I don't know whether I should feel proud or sorry for making people lose control of their bladders/bowels. :/ I think I feel proud though.. so I win! :)

Carlston - that's right... maybe you'd be more of a winner if you tried it. OR... get this... I could start keeping an official record of everyone's longest pee... it would be epic... we would have to base it on the honors system until we could find judges willing to travel afar and sundry to watch people peeing, though.

Girl Meets Gun - I totally do the treats thing too. Like I say that if I can manage to not embarrass myself in public, I get to leave the house. Wait... does that count?

mysterg - yes, I am profound as well as witty... I win! (and suddenly I'm not feeling so bad for looking like Mr. T anymore...)

FreeMoneyMomma - I have left you instructions on your home base. You shall be rewarded for your efforts!

Ellie said...

I laughed! So I win (who doesn't like laughing) and you win for writing the funny~!

Kaylin said...

I think you must have ADD as well as OCD, but it seems to be working really well for you.

Also, slartibartfast! Surprise me :)

Stone Fox said...

wow, i think i'm psychic because i *just* wrote a spiffy new post on OCD. i win double because a) i wrote such an excellent post and also, b) because i wrote my OCD post without even knowing that you were going to write a post about OCD, and then i read your post. score.

Jena said...

Nope, I count how long I pee too. It's the only way I could go in public restrooms, and now it's kind of just habit. You probably didn't need to know that about a total stranger; does that mean we both win?

The Offended Blogger said...

Well holy hell this is my first visit and you had me at "waking up in a strange place and you realize you were drugged" so guess what?

WE BOTH WIN!

Hooyah!

:)

Barb said...

AND you win because you live in a state that sells wine in the grocery store. Either Pennsylvania needs to get over its Prohibitionist ways or I need to move (either way, I would win).
Thanks!

Cat said...

I was with you until you mentioned wine + grocery store, and then I remembered that no matter how hard I try to win, I never can because here we have to go to a WHOLE OTHER BUILDING called a "liquor store" to buy wine. I know, it's a crime against humanity. And it's because of something called a "blue law" which is ironic because I think the Republicans decided this one.

Anyway, great post. (Don't mind me, I'm drunk.)

My last 20 said...

My brother and I used to play a version of this game but it was usually in our heads and against the Russians...I don't know why...we were a product of the Cold War or something...maybe it had to do with watching that Rocky movie too many times. Anyway good game! We all win!

KindredSmile said...

LMAO at all of this - my most common win is for not hitting a child on a bike while driving, but I've seemed to lose at that a lot lately, so I've changed it to not hitting an adolescent on a bike while driving - their reflexes are a little sharper. Also? slartibartfast. A monkey eating a bowl of cereal. Thank you.

happyfunpants said...

I'm here from The Bloggess' site and almost wet my pants for laughing so hard.

You have officially been added to my reader! :)


Yippee!

FreeMoneyMama said...

Hell-oh, I am trying to help you win again. If I send you a picture and what you draw sucks, you lose. So just make me up and be sure to make me much more awesome than I really am, which shouldn't be hard. And you totally WIN!!!

Chibi Jeebs said...

You succeeded: you made me laugh. A lot. Thank you. :)

Ry said...

I read this blog post. I win.

Noelle said...

Ummm.... I do all of this minus the running bullshit, plus some other OCD behavior. WTF don't we hang out more often? I guess because then we would tie?

slipbananapeel said...

You do not lose. I win at stuff all the time too. So we win.

Seth said...

You're my kind of crazy. I'll share with you my secret I win. While in the car on the highway I tighten my buttocks when passing by an exit ramp to simulate jumping the exits that I'm not taking and silently(if I'm riding with someone) make a "whoop" sound. The goal is not to forget to do it before you reach your destination or before you get bored, whichever occurs first. Then you win. Of coure if you are diving and doing it you also win because you are multitasking in a much more productive and less dangerous way than texing while driving.

Millicent said...

You win! I play those games with myself all the time. Suppose it makes me a winner too....

And, Artisan Spring Water, a blue bird, millicenthayes@gamil.com

Thanks.

Kurt said...

I'm commenting. So you just won so hard you don't even GET it yet. But you have SO won...I'm even jealous of you now.

dogimo said...

Wow, Allie. Are all your fingers as winningly imposing as the exhibited two? I sincerely hope you play guitar! Those look like you could really fret the crap out of some lucky Gibson SG's sexy neck.

I don't think it's OCD.

Swistle said...

Temerity Jane sent me. She was right: this is awesome.

Lori said...

The longest clocked pee time I've ever had was 46 seconds.

And that doesn't include those little trickles.

That's honest to god, heavy stream, Oh Sweet Jesus I'm not going to die, pee.

I held it so long that my kidneys were starting to hurt, and my lower back ached for about an hour afterwards.

But it was a glorious 46 seconds. Imagine how long it would've been if I'd let the trickles be counted.

Staceyloobug said...

I TOTALLY TIME MY PEE TOO! My longest pee was 1 minute and 40 seconds. Ish. I was really just counting "One banana, Two banana, Three banana," etc. I think maybe we shouldn't do this because on some level, I think maybe we might be doing harm to our fragile bladders. But what else are you going to do while peeing other than count to yourself? I can't think of anything.

a said...

I definitely do a majority of those. I feel like we just bonded. In a very not-creepy way except it really kind of is. Yesterday I went running and I ended up losing because some jackass was going what must have been at least 40 in the neighborhood. I would've won if he hadn't been speeding. He looked at me strangely too.