DRUNK BLOGGING.

Okay you guys.  I am going to do my first real drunk-blog.  On a Sunday night.  Because I don't have a job so I can do stuff like this and it doesn't matter.

I kind of planned something like this as a publicity stunt earlier, but I never did it because I am a coward.  But today Boyfriend impulse-bought a bottle of wine at Safeway and he hadn't made pasta yet and I guess I kind of got tricked into drunk-blogging.

I am already one coffee-mug full of wine into this thing, but I drank it really fast because I hate alcohol but I still want to be drunk like a normal person.

I feel like I am doing really well with being coherent so far.  I guess we'll see if I feel that way in the morning.

So anyway, I'll keep updating this as the night wears on.  Maybe it will be interesting but I can't exactly guarantee that.

I will try to respond to comments as you guys make them.

Oh!  And I will be tweeting because I hear that tweeting while drunk is like an out-of-body experience.  Like maybe I'll finally understand what Twitter is for or some shit.

Okay.  I'm getting bad at typing so I am going to go drink more (logically) and then we'll do this again.   Who is we?  I am the one typing.  I guess maybe I have multiple personalities while drunk.

I am probably going to say something super offensive.  I just have a bad feeling about all of this.  But I'm doing it anyway because I'm drunk and I can't stop blogging because I'm a blogalcoholic.  That didn't make sense but it kind of did.

Well, I'm not actually an alchoholic since I don't really drink alcohol.   I am more of a seasonal binge-drinker.  I go months without drinking and then BAM!  I randomly decide to get drunk because I am impulsive.  Have we covered that already?

Probably.

Okay.  I am going to hit post now.  Should I update this entry or make new posts for all of my subsequent (which is a big word for a drunk person) posts?  Is that redundant?

Shit.

Okay.

Bye.

So I just left a comment on Mr. Asshol douch-face's blog (remember the guy we were all going to insult because he insulted me? )

This is the comment I left him:

I am drunk and you are a douche bag. So there's that. Seriously though, if I was a mean person, I would probably call you a queef-faced man-child with stupid disease. I guess I just kind of did. And guess what? No, serioulsy... guess what? DOUCHE BAG!!!!! ahahhahaajjajajja I am so glad I am drunk and that we're friends. Kind of. You should really do something better with your life though. You aren't a good person. What if someone stopped blogging because of your insults? Would that be funny? Kind of, but it is also immoral you fucking douch-y ass-bandit. I bet you looked at my blog and you were all "I could never compete with that." Becasue you totally couldn't. I could out-blog you while drunk. Whatever that means. If you want to find out, you should probably challenge me to a blog-off now because I am drunk and I would totally own your ass. Can I be frank? You are a douche bad. I don't know if I told you that already, but I should have. Dude. YOu told me I was lame and even though I am, I am also not lame at all. I have a fucking trophy in my living room. For all of my accomlishments. It says "Allie: BEST FUCKING PERSON EVER!!!!!!!!!!" and it totally has all of those exclamation points too. Have you ever thought about life? Probably not because you are a douche bag. Later, tater. -Allie


I think I won, but I'm not sure. 


UPDATE: I am ]\just ate dinner. I had pasta. It had shrimp in it and Boyfriend was video-taping me and he tried to make me feel bad about eating the shrimp because he knows that I personify inamninate objects and that is just not fair. He said "Don't leave that shrimp in there... it DIED for you!" and then I had to eat the rest of the shrimp because I felt bad. It might be a funny video but I honestly don't know if anyone else in the world would understand. Does anyone else feel bad for leaving a shrimp or two behind? Like maybe they died for nothing because you aren't eating them? I feel l9ke a big jerk.


Anyway, I asked Boyfriend if he wanted to go on an adventure and he was like "it depend on where you wan to go adventuring," And I said "on the bike path!"


So maybe that is where we are going to go.


Who knows?!


WE could go anywhere.


UPDATE: So I didn't update as much as I thought I would. I was too busy advernturing and then Boyfriend bought ice cream and that distracted me and so did Twitter.


And guess what?


I get Twitter now. It is like a conference call only with typing instead of talking but if it was talking, each person would only be allowed to talk for 12 seconds before being cut off. It keeps everything even and it forces you to be very efficient. Like, a lot of times I write out "it is" when all I need to do is "it's" - I knew that before, but Twitter really drilled it home. And does it seem like shortening "it is" to "it's" should save way more than one measly character? It does to me. We should set things on fire to protest.


Or not.


I should probably go to bed now. Boyfriend is sitting next to me on the couch and sighing loudly and hinting about how he has to get up in the morning to go to his job like a real person. I told him that I need to stay up at least long enough to drink orange juice, but I just looked up and he is already in the other room brushing his teeth so I don't think he heard me. Jerk.


Anyway, thanks for being awesome. And thanks for helping me beat down douche-face crap blog-guy.  


And guess what I just realized? That dude? the one we were just talking about? He writes insults on practically every place on the whole internet and most of the people he insults go look at his blog to see who the hell he thinks he is and they probably look at his comments to see how others are reacting so as to gauge their responses accordingly and guess what that means? ALL of us just got some major exposure by commenting on his blog. And for that, we win.  


You're welcome.  


I really do end up accidentally making good blogging decisions. And then I make some bad ones too. Like drinking half of a bottle of... hold on... "Ravenwood" wine from Safeway. That may not have been such a good blogging decision.


Anyway, I am rambling (really???) and that means bedtime. Also, Boyfriend came back from brushing his teeth and he is standing in the doorway glaring at me like I am the worst girlfriend ever for getting drunk and ruining his "real person"-who-goes-to-bed-before 4AM routine. Psh... Sorry. Jesus.

18 comments:

Noelle said...

You are drinking and swearing excessively without me?

Allie said...

No - it's like we are drunk together in spirit. I hope that made sense.

Do you have skype?

Allie said...

No - it's like we are drunk together in spirit. I hope that made sense.

Do you have skype?

timoteo said...

Dear Allie,

"I could out-blog you while drunk" just became my new go to insult in real life. Thank you for this.

Timoteo

Allie said...

No - it's like we are drunk together in spirit. I hope that made sense.

Do you have skype?

Allie said...

I just posted the same thing three times in a row.


Sorry.

Memoirs of a Korean said...

Oh man...you just may be the most adorable blogger on the internet. Drink lots of water...no one likes a hangover.

juliaelise said...

Honestly, douche canoe is the best insult ever.
Just for next time you get drunk and kind-of bash on someone.
:]

Kyle Webs said...

Allie, you really didn't need to explain that you were drunk....well I guess you did, i mean they could have thought you were retarded...or dumb...or typing badly to look GAgstA.

.......i guess you did have to mention it.

Noelle said...

I do not have skype. I might have to get skype and a webcam for the sole purpose of simultaneous drunkeness. That could be one of the greatest ideas you've ever had.

Noelle said...

Assuming of course that was your idea and you asking me if I have skype wasn't for some entirely unrelated purpose.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

TellTell meme whenwhen youyou startstart seeingseeing doubledouble.

Nikole said...

Nothing to do with anything but I ate an atomic fireball today. You know, those red candies that are all hot and firey? Well, I'm wondering if those got more atomic because have you had one of those in the last 10 years? Fucking. Burned. My. Mouth. Off. It was really quite tastey though. But I had to drink some artisan spring water to soothe my burned taste buds.
So I was thinking maybe you could draw me a picture of Mario and Luigi taking an adventure on the bike path. Preferably while still drunk, although I assume you're sleeping already..I forgive you. Anyway, my email is nikole_115@hotmail.com.
Thanks love, I hope you don't feel too haggard in the morning!

Organic Meatbag said...

I get you...really, I do...your Brett Favre lust aside, I get you...

Sarah P said...

Facebook fan page without your real name, and don't become a fan of it with your real profile. That's the answer to the facebook problem, and it's also not a full sentence.
I like that you update 12 times a day. It helps me adhere to my policy of reckless procrastination.
I used to read (and still do, but only to judge) a health/food blog whose author blogs several times a day, but it's not as fun because she's not funny and she eats food that looks like vomit with some grapes on top and calls it whole food. She got salty about a comment I made once and now I refuse to click on her advertisements.
Take that, uppity vomit-eater.
Sorry for the tangent. The point is that you totally deserve ad rev, and she doesn't - and all she does is blog and go to school AND she can afford $10 nut butters.
But you don't suck, so you should be able to buy expensive, disgusting food, too.

Sorcerer said...

haha!wow! I should try this!

Erin said...

I read a very entertaining comment you left on Organic Meatbag's blog and decided that I MUST check out your blog. I just about died laughing when reading this post, so hilarious. I am now officially a follower and can't wait to read more of your stuff!

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

Next morning...

So at what point of the night did you slur you hated your boyfriend's mother and yelled; "You just don't get me man! You don't get tha Allie!"