THEY WERE IN MY ROOM THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!

Oh my God, you guys:



=



(If you were confused by that picture and/or didn't recognize it, go HERE first.)

How did I not see it before?  (tilt screen back a little when you are looking at the first picture... those are 100% genuine ice-monsters)



Also, I want to thank you guys for so many reasons not the least of which includes alerting me to the existence of ice monsters and pointing out that yeah, maybe I should have looked behind me while I was flipping off my window.

If it was not for you guys, I would have never known that there are ceramic space heaters that DON'T SET THINGS ON FIRE, or that there are plastic sheets that you can melt onto your windows with a hair dryer and then your house will be warmer.   Or that there are probably already rapists and murderers hiding in my room and I'm going to die anyway so why not just sleep in the meth-cellar?  Or that I can use toothpaste to blind the rapists and murderers that are hiding in my room and/or meth-cellar when/if they attack me so I'm pretty much invincible.  Or that, duh, I should use Bruce to stay warm because there's nothing quite as thermally protective as a Snuggie-dragon.  Or that all orcs are rapist-cannibals who also hunger for human flesh, not just the orcs that live in my basement.  Or that there are some places in the world where it is 60 degrees right now and maybe if I ask nice enough I can come visit.

Oh, and I didn't choose to live in Montana, per se.  It just kind of happened.  Like diabetes or getting involved in a game of Risk.

UPDATE:  Okay Sarah P, I'm putting ads in my feed.  And maybe I'll put AdSense on this blog for a few days just to see what kind of targeted ads it comes up with.  I guarantee that there will be some ads for hentai if ads for hentai exist.

UPDATE #2: This is yet another good example of why I love you guys:

Comment from CWD:

"I have been thinking about your Ice Monster Problem, or IMP as I like to think of it. The best solution to you IMP is a homemade flamethrower !

I know you are on a budget so I found a recipe for a $30 homemade flamethrower. It has two major advantages:

1. It’s cheap

2. It is as reliable as a $30 homemade flamethrower. I don’t see a downside.

There are some do’s and don’t’s (see how I had me some fun there at Mr. Apostrophe’s expense?) I think you should consider when operating your $30 homemade flamethrower when dealing with your IMP. Here they are:

DO: wear Bruce so the IM’s (and Orcs! can’t forget them) know you’re serious.

DON’T: ever ever ever say “hey, watch this!” before firing your flamethrower. Saying “hey, watch this!” the most common cause of death or high temperature traumatic exfoliation known to science, this is followed closely by “here, hold my beer”.

DON’T: target IM’s already inside your house, unless, and this is important, you have a bottle of cheap whiskey and a sombrero. See: final scene of John Carpenter’s “The Thing”.

DON’T: for the love of all that is holy watch any of John Carpenter’s “The Thing” but that last scene! Consider the last scene scientific research. This is for your protection, Allie. The Alien DNA stealing touch monsters will horrify you. Based on your reaction to LOTR, you will never willing touch another living thing after viewing JC’s “The Thing”.

DON’T: target Orcs except under controlled conditions. While it’s been my experience that while IM’s get all moan-y and melt-y when hit with a $30 homemade flamethrower, Orcs tend to get scream-y and run-y. They may spread fire in an uncontrolled manner. Once again the cheap whiskey and sombrero exemption applies.

On reviewing this list I am surprised to note that I can only think of one “do” and four “don’t’s” (suck it Mr. Apostrophe! I snicker meanly at you!) to consider when using a $30 homemade flamethrower.

Allie, keep in mind that I usually don’t offer weapons or defense advice, I normally consider it rather psychotic and even a little sad, but you sound as if you have a serious IMP on your hands and I care. Please be safe when using your $30 homemade flamethrower.

Best regards,

CWD"

This almost makes me feel normal. Until I realize that I just Googled "How to make a flame-thrower for under $10" because I don't really have $30 and then I was all disappointed when I couldn't find anything within my price range because PVC pipe is fucking expensive, especially when you have to line it with molten lead.

15 comments:

Sherri said...

Usually I come here, read a post and laugh. Tonight, I came here, read this post and was so confused. Then I went back and read the previous post and became less confused, but more baffled as to how anyone could live without heat, much less someone whose windows are coated in ice. Yikes! I hope you stay warm!

Sarah P said...

You should put ads on this site for the winter months. I know you're not cool with ads, but seriously, you could just use it to pay for heat for a few months each year. Or, you could use the revenue to buy yourself a pellet stove. Whatevs.

Just for the winter months, and then you can go back to providing LOLZys for frees. (Should be illegal. You're a content machine. You should get paid.)

BlackLOG said...

You've really outdone yourself this week - your photos and stories held me captivated and laughing throughout.

My dad and I used to have 'fights' with the pea pods when we were out in the garden eating peas. He always says that the best strategy when 'fighting' with me is to just stand still because then you *know* you won't get hit. hehe

The Beetle story cracked me UP. Love it! Could be that I'm feeling less than generous toward the male gender right now but it just seemed... fitting. lol

BlackLOG said...

Today I’m playing a new game which is leaving comments that were left on my blog on other people’s blog. I figure that you are game for a laugh so has nominated you as my guinea pig, if it takes off then I won’t actually warn people in future

Tony said...

I'm so glad that you didn't die! But I like to believe that orcs only kill and rape bad people. You're not a bad person, so you're safe. If not, you can always give Samwise Gamgee a call. That little guy is loyal. He'll call you Ms. Allie, and then when you try to row your boat away, he'll chase after you, and nearly drown, because he can't swim. And then he can distract the Orcs while you run away.

I wish I had a Sam now...

Christine @ The Dishy said...

Window Ice Monsters are the WORST. Ugh. But I live in Phoenix and it is right around 60 degrees here...you're TOTALLY welcome to come stay here, but we're not allowed to watch any scary movies...deal?

BlackLOG said...

You need to tell Tony that what he has given is a definition for a grade A Stalker....

Hayli said...

It's fifty three in Tucson right now.
And I have a heater that works...but my bed is kind of full.
You can sleep in the backyard with the dogs if you want.
But there's probably rapists there too...not my dogs.
I mean actual rapists.

Ed Adams said...

I wanted to tell you about those ice monsters the first time I saw that pic, but I didn't want to make you paranoid.


Guess I shouldn't have worried about causing that.

It seems to be your normal state,

Neener said...

For self protection you can also keep a can of Wasp spray handy. It shoots 20-30 feet, much further than mace. Aim for the eyes!

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

How come you have so many followers and I don't? Pimp out some of your followers to me, the cute male ones, not the ones all busted up who post about the shitty enchilada they just had or post why the color yellow is so bright. I promise I'll give them back 42% less molested than if I got them on my own.

Suzy said...

Do not run adsense, you'll make no money. Apply for BlogHer ads. They'll probably put you on a waiting list but at least you'll make some money.

Dooce makes 3 quarters of a million dollars from running ads. And so do all the big bloggers. As a matter of fact, that's how you can tell who the big bloggers are.

And that ice monster in the top righthand corner totally has a winged head.

Just.Kate said...

HOLY HELL I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD HARE KRISHNA HAIR.

Rock on, ice monster.

CWD said...

Allie,
I have been thinking about your Ice Monster Problem, or IMP as I like to think of it. The best solution to you IMP is a homemade flamethrower!
I know you are on a budget so I found a recipe for a $30 homemade flamethrower. It has two major advantages:
1. It’s cheap
2. It is as reliable as a $30 homemade flamethrower.
I don’t see a downside.
There are some do’s and don’t’s (see how I had me some fun there at Mr. Apostrophe’s expense?) I think you should consider when operating your $30 homemade flamethrower when dealing with your IMP. Here they are:
DO: wear Bruce so the IM’s (and Orcs! can’t forget them) know you’re serious.
DON’T: ever ever ever say “hey, watch this!” before firing your flamethrower. Saying “hey, watch this!” the most common cause of death or high temperature traumatic exfoliation known to science, this is followed closely by “here, hold my beer”.
DON’T: target IM’s already inside your house, unless, and this is important, you have a bottle of cheap whiskey and a sombrero. See: final scene of John Carpenter’s “The Thing”.
DON’T: for the love of all that is holy watch any of John Carpenter’s “The Thing” but that last scene! Consider the last scene scientific research. This is for your protection, Allie. The Alien DNA stealing touch monsters will horrify you. Based on your reaction to LOTR, you will never willing touch another living thing after viewing JC’s “The Thing”.
DON’T: target Orcs except under controlled conditions. While it’s been my experience that while IM’s get all moan-y and melt-y when hit with a $30 homemade flamethrower, Orcs tend to get scream-y and run-y. They may spread fire in an uncontrolled manner. Once again the cheap whiskey and sombrero exemption applies.
On reviewing this list I am surprised to note that I can only think of one “do” and four “don’t’s” (suck it Mr. Apostrophe! I snicker meanly at you!) to consider when using a $30 homemade flamethrower.
Allie, keep in mind that I usually don’t offer weapons or defense advice, I normally consider it rather psychotic and even a little sad, but you sound as if you have a serious IMP on your hands and I care. Please be safe when using your $30 homemade flamethrower.
Best regards,
CWD

Olivia said...

I just read the $30 flame-thrower comment, and thought I'd tell you how to make a flame-thrower for under $10 since Google must not be working properly. LOL Here it is:
1. Take a lighter in your left hand and flick the button.
2. Take a can of hairspray in your right hand and spray at lighter.
Now, your monster/orc infestation problems should be taken care of!