It's Like There Was a Zombie Apocalypse and Then There Was Something That Came Along and Got Rid of The Zombies and Now it's Just Me and Boyfriend

At around midnight last night, it started snowing.  A lot.

I got absurdly excited about it.  I was like "Ohmigoditssnowingletsgoforawalkrightnow!!!!" And Boyfriend was like "It's 12:30 AM..." and I was like "So?  We need to go to the grocery store anyway." And then Boyfriend looked at me like he just caught me eating eating paste off of the floor and there was this tense little moment like that time in first grade when a little Mexican boy joined your class and you were like "Hi!" and he said "Hola! Hoy es Miercoles!" and you were like "oh shit... what do I do?  I'm only six!  I am not prepared for this!"and then you realize that you and this person are desk-buddies because he can't speak English and you can't write R's and suddenly you are forced to find a way to communicate through crude hand-gestures and grunting noises and pretty soon you've invented an entirely new language and you still can't make R's and Paco still can't speak English but it's okay because you understand one another and that's all that matters.  

My point is that after staring at me in silence for a few long moments in which I am sure he questioned some of his life decisions, Boyfriend was like "Fine."

So Boyfriend got all bundled up while I checked to make sure everything was unplugged because I didn't want the house to catch on fire while we were gone and then I got dressed while Boyfriend sat on the couch in his snow-clothes looking like he was on some sort of detonation timer and if the timer went off we would no longer be allowed to go for a walk, so I put my hat and gloves on really fast and then I was like "I'm ready!" and Boyfriend sighed and heaved himself off of the couch and we walked outside and there was already like, three inches of snow on the ground!

Boyfriend wanted to stop and take pictures of the snow and the pretty lights, but I was so excited that I took off running:



And then I stopped because I had a really good idea and I yelled "Hey! You should take a picture of me so I can put it on my blog!"  And Boyfriend yelled back "Yeah, I already kind of did that because you ran into the frame."  And then I was like "Well, you should take another one because I wasn't looking at the camera."  And then boyfriend sighed and I could actually hear it from that far away.  I guess it was more of an anguished grunt.

Anyway, that's Main Street in downtown Hamilton, MT on a Saturday night.  It's pretty much just like Las Vegas except with fewer fountains.

We got to the grocery store, and guess what?




Not open.

Someone should tell them that it probably isn't good business to close at noon because they'll miss the dinner rush.

Boyfriend said "Well, what should we do?"  And I was like "We could go to Super One..." and Boyfriend said "Super One is like nine miles away" but really it's only one and a half miles away and I told him that and he made that same tortured grunting noise but I think he was secretly excited about walking all the way to Super One because who wouldn't be?

When you live in a town this small, late-night walks are a pretty surreal experience.  It wouldn't have been hard to pretend that we were the only two people left in the world:





We finally arrived at Super One.  Even the inside of the grocery store felt like it was part of an alternate universe:



And there was some guy in that alternate universe who had the unfortunate job of stocking shelves at 2:00 AM but nevertheless he took his job really seriously and prepared for his shift like a fucking champion:


... with an energy drink and 64-ounces of gatorade.

I saw the guy wandering around in the store.  He looked like Gollum.  He was a creature of the night, dressed all in black save for the red "Anarchy" symbol that was safety-pinned to the back of his ratty T-shirt.  Unlike Gollum, this man was fucking purposeful.  He walked like you'd walk if you had just found out that your hot wife was giving birth to twin eagles but before you could go to her side, you had to save the earth from aliens and then the camera panned out and you started walking in slow motion to some Rage Against the Machine song and then you turned into Will Smith and you fucking brought it   and the aliens were like "daaaaaayumm, we should never have attacked Earth... our bad." And then you turned into William Wallace for a second and yelled "FREEEDOM!!!!!!!!" and then you turned back into Will Smith, only this time you were also part Samuel L. Jackson and you pumped some alien ass full of lead because that's what you were born to do.

That's how this guy walked.  Only more than that.

I felt reassured that if I actually was one of the only people left on Earth, this guy would be able to protect my ass from ALL the shit.

Boyfriend and I made our purchase (yogurt, an economy-sized box of candy canes, almond bark, Craisins and justice) and began the return trip.

Somewhere along the way, we came across a parking lot that was covered in completely undisturbed snow.  This is what Boyfriend did:



And this is what I did:



Don't try to read that.  It doesn't say anything because it's just random running.

Boyfriend was like "Hey Allie!  Look what I made for you!"  I looked at what Boyfriend made and then I glanced over my shoulder at what I had made, and there was clearly an incongruity between the two.  In my head I was like "Touché, Boyfriend... you win this time.  But I will get you... I will get you."

Okay, I'm getting tired of thinking of transitions between all of these pictures because you can only say "and then we kept walking" so many times before it just sounds weird.  So I'm just going to skip over all the walking bits and show you the exciting bits without any context whatsoever.  Okay, maybe a little context.  But not enough.

This is the only Internet Service Provider in town:



That's the front of the building.  I'm not tricking you by taking a picture from some alleyway and then saying "Oh look how ghetto and rape-y this place is!"  No.  This is the real deal.  If we look a little closer, we can see this in the window:



You can't see it very clearly because I had to use the flash (I'll take a picture in the daylight at some point), but it says (and I quote) "THe ol' Peek Hole!" And "Peek" is underlined once.  "Hole" is underline twice.  And yes, there is an exclamation point there.

You can see why rape may have been a legitimate concern when Boyfriend and I were getting our internet installed.

Anyway, it is probably not fashionable to end one's blog posts talking about rape, so here are a few more pictures.  Forget about the rape part.




It has warmed up considerable since last week!

That's Boyfriend holding a crossing flag.  There aren't real crosswalks in our town.  You have to flag down traffic your damn self.

Okay.  The End.

Nevermind.  I lied.  There is one more thing.  THIS  is a clone of my blog that I test things on before editing this site.  Brian (the vigilante hero of courage and justice and now web-design too) has been helping me figure out how to solve my layout problems and it looks like he did a really good job of it.  If you were having problems viewing before, would you please visit the link and let me know if the layout Brian made looks okay on your computer?  Thank you.  And now Brian has eleven trillion points because he spent all night helping me with my blog and he even sent me cat pictures.

Now it's the end.

44 comments:

dogimo said...

There's such a thin curtain between ordinary and magical, and sometimes all you have to do is dive.

JUST ME said...

I love how beautiful everything looks, and I'm also really scared at how empty your town is.

linlah said...

Love a walk in the first big snow but after that it's just a hassle.

The layout is still too wide on IE7 but again I woudl read you no matter what your layout is.

Ellie said...

I'm never going to catch up to Brian on points now. Unless....!

No. Wait. Forget it.

Sigh.

Julia said...

if you want some layout advice, i work on a netbook (the tiny 9 in ones) and about half of your sidebar is off my screen, so maybe if you make it a teensy bit narrower, it can fit onto everyone's screen, and not just the big ones :) also, the text in the main column starts right exactly at the left edge of the screen, and the first letter of each line sort of blends into the edge, so maybe you want to add a few pixels of space between the edge of the layout and the beginning of the text? just some thoughts :)

j-face said...

i so want to live there. in the snow. and safeway's.

MoonNStarMommy said...

Didn't you see that Orc behind the lightpole??? OOOOOOMGosh!!! Chills!

Oh and you forgot about Gollum's tissue... I really hope it wasn't just an Edger suit..

lacey said...

were the craisins for eating, or for christmas cookie/candy making? my family makes these cookies with oatmeal and craisins and walnuts and white chocolate chips that are the BEST THING EVER IN THE WORLD, and also i am a recent huge fan of almond-bark-covered-pretzels (which are totally easy to make and then could be covered in crushed candy canes and then could be brought to a social event and could look all impressive even though they only took you five minutes) so thank you for listing your grocery list because now i am convinced that we are christmas treat twins and also now i am hungry.

so also, i know that you probably have deduced this, but i have been wanting to let you know that i think the bloggess is a little bit in love with you (twice now! you have been mentioned on her site twice now!) and that is awesome. and i am jealous fit to die.

and also, i'm glad that you're feeling better. i really wanted to comment something the other day, but i didn't know what to say, and then everyone else in the world said all the words in the world, and there were very few left. if i had figured out what to say, though, the gist would have been similar to most of the other comments' gists and it would have come with all the weight and care in the world and it would have said: me too. of course, you're not alone.

Tony said...

I really wish it would snow here. Well, it's snowing here a bit right now, but it's the down syndrome kind of snow where it's mixed with rain, and burns your skin when it makes contact with your face.

Also, Internet Provider is effing creepy...it's like where Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger make babies...

Just.Kate said...

Trying to read that window note is challenging.

THe ol' Peek Hole! The ole Peek HOLE!!! de ol peekHOOOOLLLE!

I sound like Captain Kirk in my head.

Also, photso of Boyfriend always makes me uncomfortable, mostly because he's really adorable very much like a stuffed animal, and then I feel very bad for admiring your boyfriend and comparing him to a fuzzy toy. But the impression stands.

Ed Adams said...

Why do all small towns look alike in the snow? Ours is the same way. the sidewalks roll up at 7:30pm.

Sarah P said...

I think you won the snow game. I mean, he just wrote "I <3 U," but you made original art AND you ran. He probably just shuffled.

Wynn said...

Damn, you live in a REALLY small town. That's fascinating.
And I got at least a short walk with my dad in the first snow here. During the afternoon. On the way from his car to the store. Yeah, not the way I usually experience the first snow.

Amy said...

Ok, so about the layout...
On resolution of 1024x768 your last inch or so on the right is cut off. But MY blog looks smashing. On the next resolution up, 1152x864 your blog is perfect and mine looks like poop. So I'm going to keep my resolution at 1024x768 because, really, this whole thing is about me anyway. It's not? This blog is about YOUR blog? Crud. Well, I'm still keeping my resolution at 1024x768.

And your town looks magical. But it also looks like a place where I'd constantly be braiding my hair into little teeny skinny braids so that I'd have SOMETHING to do.

erin said...

Do you live in Alaska? Or in Russia somewhere? I was going to try and come up with some really clever far away random places but my genius failed me (yet again).

Did you see the award thingy I had on my blog for you a little while ago? I gave you a best post of 2009 award. Not like you care. indeed.

Erin said...

You are too much. I find it hilarious that you NEEDED to go to the grocery store.. and you ended up with yogurt, an economy-sized box of candy canes, almond bark, Craisins and justice. Were those items seriously all that were on your shopping list? Or did you guys get distracted following around Gollum?

Also, I agree, if it weren't for the missing fountains, Main Street would look EXACTLY like Vegas...

mepsipax said...

I fucking love you Allie. Well, not enough to write it in snow. Hell, it doesn't even snow down here. But... well, not enough to walk to the store in the middle of the night either. Are you retarded that's when the vampire zombies roam. I love you in an ADD sort of way. Wait, what was I saying. And I can't forget about the rape. Thanks ass. And... last and I promise. Thanks for linking me. Oh that sounds dirty. Great now I am thinking about rape again.
Wow, long comment. I blogged on your blog. Great now that sounds dirty.

Mildly Unstable said...

I love you more every day.

Hipstercrite said...

I don't miss the Zombie Apocalypses of Upstate NY, but they were awfully purty. Great post. Funny as usual and the pics are great. Carry on my wayward daughter.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I have never EVER been anyplace that looked like that. The snow, the emptiness. I swear if you had posted photos of Turkmenistan or Venus, I'd be just as awed.

(Turkmenistan?)

Also, the story of Paco and Allie brought a tear to my eye.

Also, I think you should keep up with your test site and link to it. It's funny.

Kurt said...

I don't know about you, but somebody at work burned popcorn and now I am HOPING for a zombie apocalypse all over his FACE. That shit stinks, yo.

Also, nice walk.

Also,also I totally tried to read the pattern you left and I tried it in Spanish and then I took out the "r"s because I thought you were leaving clues. You weren't.

Jen O. said...

So pretty! I can't even think of anything witty or sarcastic to say because I'm boiling over with jealousy that your little town is so cute and vacant and quiet.

Also, stock-boy Gollum should probably pick up his mess 'cause that's a safety hazzard. Unless he likes getting sued. You should have tripped on purpose and then it would have been a Merry Christmas for everyone. Except for Gollum.

Homemaker Man said...

That was very nice. Like a feel-good movie or a cup of cocoa.

underavermilionskye said...

yeah, it "snowed" here... someone left their car in the driveway of our apartment complex. It is not that bad, people!
pshhh, western washington drivers, I tell ya.

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

God your town is so empty! Love the snow, but I hate the shitty slush that follows. Half your sidebar is still missing on my screen...

JMH said...

Did you wait for it to turn 1:32 so you could have all of those twos and threes in the picture? That's the sort of thing that I would do. I adore repetition. I adore repetition.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Ummm, I just stumbled across your blog and read your "Best of Hyperbole and a Half," and ... will you be my Internet girlfriend?

If the answer is no, please find a way to let me down gently.

Allie said...

Joe - That is a great way to phrase it! I often find it hard to explain why I love going for random walks in the middle of the night, but that sums it up perfectly!

JUST ME - Yeah, things close up pretty early around here. Except Super One.

linlah - I try to enjoy it as long as possible, but once it gets to be April and there’s still a foot of it on the ground and it’s getting all slushy, I’m like “No! Bad snow! Go away!” It rarely listens. Also, I changed the layout a little bit so that it was optimized for smaller resolutions… does it look any better now?

Ellie - Though it would be hard to catch Brian, it is not impossible as I am totally capable of giving out a billion trillion gagillion points if I so choose. But now I’m all curious as to what you were going to say after “unless…”

Julia - Thank you for the feedback! I have narrowed the layout considerably (probably by about 300 pixels) and I put some padding in around the edges. Does it work better now?

j-face - I, too, have always wanted to live in a Safeway. Can you imagine? Or a Wal-Mart! You could sleep in the camping section and then just play in all of the aisles whenever you wanted and no one would run up to you and yell “hey! Stop playing gladiator with the wrapping paper!” I’m totally serious though. I’ve always wanted to live in a Wal-Mart.

MooNStarMommy - Do you mean Boyfriend? I’m glad you told me. He totally could be an Orc.

lacey - I have good news! We totally are Christmas treat buddies! Except for without the walnuts because Boyfriend is allergic to nuts. Also, do you really think The Bloggess is in love with me? I’m one of those chronic self-doubters where at first I get all excited and I’m like “yay! The Bloggess noticed me!” And then I’m like “But what if she later decided that she hated me? Oh no!” and then I become convinced that the whole thing was just a fluke and she linked to me on accident and then she probably regretted it terribly. I am not normal. Also? Your last paragraph was sheer awesomeness. That is some admirable writing right there. I mean that.

Tony - Yeah, the snow here is more like Rocky Balboa snow. It starts out kind of weak and then it gets all amped up and strong and by the end of the winter it is screaming “ADRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!” and stumbling around like a retard. And yeah, the ISP is sooooooooo creepy. I walk by there on my way to the store and I’m like “thank you God for protecting me that one time when the awkward guy came over to install the internet and I was all alone…”

Kate - Don’t feel bad for admiring Boyfriend. I understand. And I totally know what you mean. He can be quite teddy-bearish in the best possible way. Plus, I think he likes the compliments :)

Ed - I know what you mean. Sometimes I want a sandwich at 8:00 PM, but I don’t want to make the sandwich, so I’m like “let’s go out to eat!” And Boyfriend is like “But where?” And then I’m like “Oh yeah. Shit.” And I end up eating cereal with reconstituted milk.

Sarah P - He definitely just shuffled. What a loser.

Wynn - It definitely took a little adjusting when I first moved here in September. I mean, I grew up in a small town, but THIS place is tiny.

Amy - I redesigned the layout so that it looks way more normal on that resolution (since I think most people use that resolution anyway). Also, I think my town is magical… I was going to make a joke about how the jobs are just disappearing but then I realized that that would be super lame so instead I’m going to say that my town is magical because it can fly. That’s right. It can fly.

Allie said...

erin - It does look a little Russia-y, but no. Just Montana. Oh, and thank you for the award! I’m going to do one composite award post at the end of the year and also give out some of my very own awards (I’ve already made some of them and they’re awesome!).

Erin - I’m glad you got that part :). That’s usually what our grocery outings end up being like. We look at our refrigerator and cupboards and there is nothing in there so we’re like “Let’s go to the store!” and then we impulse-buy candy and usually also potato chips instead because those things don’t require cooking and they also taste delicious. Win-win.

mepsipax - It doesn’t sound nearly as dirty as “bacon wallet.” :) Also, snow cancels out zombies. Snow makes everything safe. In fact, that’s probably what ended the zombie apocalypse.

Mildly Unstable - This blog has to be the most validating thing I’ve ever done with my life! Thank you!

Hipstercrite - Yes, beauty definitely is one thing this place has going for it. Sometimes I just want to post ten thousand pictures of it, but they probably wouldn’t be too funny because they’d just be mountains and it is almost impossible to make mountains funny. Maybe I’ll try someday.

Becky - Yes, there is something totally magical about snow and emptiness. Sometimes Boyfriend and I go running at night and we go way out into the farmland and surrounding hills and it feels almost like we’re in outer-space. It’s just empty and quiet and when the moon is out I suddenly understand why this is called “Big Sky country.” Also, I’m glad you liked the Paco story (though I don’t think his name was actually Paco… my memory of that time is shaky at best and I think actually he may have been named Carlos or something. Crap. I probably just ruined the sentimentality right there.)

Kurt - Uuughhhhhh… burned popcorn is totally disgusting. But have you ever burned paprika? I spilled some on my stove and holy shit, man. That stuff sucks. I love that you tried to read the pattern. Part of me hoped that would happen to at least a few people and then the part where I was like “don’t try to read that…” would be funnier.

Allie said...

Jen O. - Hearing you say that makes me appreciate it more. Sometimes I feel like I want to live somewhere a lot bigger, but it is rather nice around here. Oh, and I wish I would have thought of the tripping and suing idea… but I never could have done that to Gollum. He just looked too helpful and driven, like I would have been doing the world a disservice by dampening his spirits.

Hommaker Man - That’s exactly how it felt too! When we got back home, it felt like we had been on some sort of epic-yet-soothing adventure and then I drank some tea to get warmed up again and it was just wonderful.

undervermillionskye - I would agree with you, but living in this town has redefined my definition of “bad driver.” It’s like half the people behind the wheel of a car here are either drunk or 10-years old and just picking up a load of hay for their dads only they can’t see over the steering wheel so they almost run you over pulling out of Texaco and at first you’re like “fuck you!” but then you realize that the kid in the driver’s seat is only ten and you’re like “shit. I shouldn’t have said fuck. He’s just a kid.” Something like that.

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst - Yeah, it is supposed to turn to slush here pretty quick , but I’m enjoying the snow while it lasts! Oh, and I changed the layout a little (made it a lot more narrow). Does it look any better to you now?

JMH - No, but I had the same thought as you and as I was posting the picture I was like “it is so cool that it turned out like that… I hope someone notices… dang it, probably no one will notice…” but then you noticed it! Yay!

Veronica - I will totally be your internet girlfriend. At first I was like “who is this person who wants to be my girlfriend…” and then I clicked on your picture and I was like “Okay. We’re girlfriends now.” Or did you mean just friend-friends… because I can do that too ☺

Hannah Miet said...

You're snow creation was more creative.

Sorry. Just sayin'.

I added you to my bloggedy sidebar thingy. I don't know why you weren't already there, since it's where I go to read hyberbolically hilarious anecdotes.

Apparently, hyperbolically is not a word, evidenced by the red line underneath it at the moment. What is wrong with this world?

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Thank you baby Jesus -- Allie will is my Interwebs gf!!

I'm pretty geeked that you chose to pretend I am not creepy and stalker-y and indulge my whims. You rock.

Chl said...

LOVE the new layout. Love love love it. I'm about to attempt one of my own but frankly, it scares the heck out of me. I have the art all finished and it's super awesome even if I do say so myself. I'm just afraid of breaking my blog. :)

WANTED: A Brian of my very own. Must be good with blog layout/manipulation and willing to deal with a total control freak who wants to pay you in cookies.

Allie said...

Hannah- I will not rest until hyperbolically... wait it IS a word!!! There's no red line! That is a relief. I think you convinced SpellCheck.

Veronica - Sure thing, lover. Was that creepy? Probably. But that's how being an internet girlfriend works. Well, at least when you're my internet girlfriend. Also, I love your book review blog idea! You are hot and you are smart. I'm so lucky to have you as an internet girlfriend!

Chl - Make a clone blog! Seriously. Create a blog and then copy and paste your HTML from your regular blog into the html of the new blog. Some of the stuff in the sidebar will show up weird, but other than that it will be exactly the same (minus you posts). Then you can do whatever you want to the experimental blog and test it out before you do it to your blog so you don't have to worry about ruining it! Also, everyone needs a Brian. I am so lucky to have Brian. He's like my knight-in-shining-armor from the internet.

CarrieAnn said...

Soooo...I laughed so hard at the first paragraph about Paco and your "R's." Just when I stopped laughing enough to keep reading, I came to the part about Gollum and the energy drink and the twin eagles. And I think I peed myself a little.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

OH ... MY ... GOD. My Internet girlfriend just said I was HOT and SMART.

Thanks, lover.

Rachel said...

Is it totally mean of me to say that now your blog freezes my phone so now I can't ready about you at work instead of, you know, working? And that makes me sad?

Probably. Because I'm a bitch.

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

I hate snow, but your quiet town snow looks pretty. Plus, zombies are cool.

Rachel said...

I meant read about you. Ready you makes me sound like I am your internet fluffer.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Internet fluffer ... I need to get me one of those.

Simone Says... said...

heart you.

Mindee said...

I have so much love for that town. I have actually gone to Safeway after midnight only to find it closed (hilarious that it says 12 PM by the way), and had to resort to Super One. That's okay, food is food.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Although this post was enjoyable and thrilling and even educational, it also really creeped me out because I am currently reading "The Road", and those photos totally reminded me of the book, which is about two people surviving the Apocalypse, and the stores looked just like the Super 1 at midnight. Very creepy.

chris said...

I was completely convinced that I was about to read that you had made a "Jeffy" cartoon right after the pic of all of the footprints in the snow. I hate Family Circus. If I ever murder someone or become a serial killer it's because of Family Circus.