Boyfriend Would be a Headless, Dignity-less Torso Without Me and That's a Really Disturbing Title Now That it's 3:00 AM

I may have mentioned that I am nocturnal now.  I go to bed sometime around 5:00 AM and I wake up at noon.  I do this because I am afraid of being murdered in my sleep by a fugitive or an orc.

I should probably explain a little better.  Remember how I live in Montana?  And remember how montana is really cold?  And remember how I can't afford to buy heat?


Anyway, Boyfriend and I are not prehistoric bear-people and we probably are going to die.  We have been confined to our living room for three days now because it is the only room in the house that is warm enough for survival.

We covered all the doorways with another layer of quilts and wool blankets and we drew the blinds to block out a little bit of the cold that radiates from the window panes.  Then we set up camp on the living room floor, rented all three Lord of the Rings DVD's and fought over who got to sit on the electric heating pad.  I won because I'm a fucking survivor.


Our plan was to watch movies and never leave the living room.  That sounded great until I realized that it meant I would have to sleep in the living room and not in my "panic room" and there was probably a fugitive or an orc hiding somewhere in the house and if I actually went to sleep it would come out and kill me and then I'd be like "I wish I would have slept in the panic room.  It was a reckless decision to sleep in the living room" but it would be too late because I would be dead already and I should have thought of that before I let down my guard and slept in the living room.


I kept quiet until around 1:00 AM.  That was about when we finished the Lord of the Rings DVD's and then I started thinking "Shit.  What if orcs are real?  There's probably one in the meth-cellar right now..." and at first I was just like "pshh, don't be silly..." but the more I thought about it the more legitimate it seemed and pretty soon I was almost positive that there was either an orc or a rapist or possibly an orc-rapist laying in wait in the darkness under my kitchen floor and I said "We should go upstairs..." because I really, really wanted to be in my panic room but Boyfriend didn't respond because he was already asleep and that made me feel even more alone and terrified of whatever was in the meth-cellar, so I tried to wake him up by jabbing him in the ribs but he just made a little sputtering noise and rolled over.  I kept trying.

Me:  "Hey!  Wake up.  Wake up.  Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up..."

Boyfriend:  "Hszzmmuh? What are they?"

Me: "What?"

Boyfriend:  "What should we call them?"

Me:  "The orcs?"

Boyfriend: (Silence punctuated only by a creepy smile)

Me: "What are you talking about?"

Boyfriend: "Uh-huh."

Me:  "Are you asleep?"

Boyfriend "No..."

Me: "Then what were you talking about?"

Boyfriend: "I don't know."

Me: "You are definitely asleep."

Boyfriend:  (indignantly) "No I'm not!"

At this point Boyfriend tried to look at me to prove that he was awake but he wasn't actually awake and his eyes were kind of rolled back in his head and he was smiling like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" and it just made me want to be in my safe room even more so I said "WAKE UP!!!" and it came out way louder than I expected because I was starting to panic and then Boyfriend actually did wake up and he started to panic because I was panicking and he was like "What??  What's going on?  Are you okay?" And I was like "I want to go to bed!"  and Boyfriend said that we were already in bed but then I told him about how I changed my mind and I didn't want to sleep in the living room anymore because it was too close to the meth-cellar and Boyfriend said "well, we definitely aren't going to sleep upstairs" because Boyfriend is a huge vagina and he can't sleep when he's "shivering and probably almost dead."

I definitely didn't want to be locked in my panic room all by myself, so I decided that I was going to try sleeping in the living room but that didn't work and I just ended up staying up all night being vigilant.

At around 4:00 AM Boyfriend woke up and he was like "have you been awake this whole time?" and I was all "yeah" and then he finally felt sorry for me and agreed to go upstairs and sleep in the safe room with me but he ruined it by acting all cold and miserable and I felt bad but I still judged him for not being a survivor like me.  I finally fell asleep around 5:00 AM when Boyfriend stopped shivering so violently because he was either dead or in such a late stage of hypothermia that he had started to feel warm again.

I woke up again at around 8:00 AM because I heard a loud crashing sound downstairs and it was probably a rapist and I started to congratulate myself for being smart enough to sleep behind a locked and barricaded door but then I noticed that the door was not locked or barricaded and Boyfriend was gone.

I went downstairs because I figured that Boyfriend was probably lost or something, but no.  He was sitting on the couch drinking coffee and playing computer games.  I said "You abandoned me."

Boyfriend: "It was too cold upstairs."

Me:  "So you just left me all by myself in an unlocked room?"

Boyfriend:  "I was down here on the couch the whole time."

Me:  "What if there was a murderer in the spare bedroom and he snuck into our room and killed me before you could run up the stairs and save me?"

Boyfriend:  "That wouldn't happen."

Me:  "You sound so sure of your ability to get there in time."

Boyfriend:  "No, I mean there is not a murderer in the spare bedroom."

Me:  "But what if there was?"

Boyfriend:  "There isn't."

Me:  "You don't know that."

Boyfriend:  "Yes I do."

Me:  "I suppose you also 'know' that there are no orcs or rapists in the meth-cellar?"

Boyfriend: "Yes.  Yes I do know that."

Me: "I'm never going to sleep again."

It turns out that that's a pretty empty threat.  I usually make it until 4:00 or 5:00 AM and then my eyelids get too heavy and I fall asleep for a few minutes only to awaken in a panic because I let down my guard and I am sure that I'm about to die and I open my eyes and everything is just shapes and darkness and I'm almost positive that I see an orc lurking in the corner so I fumble for the light-switch but I can't find it fast enough and I get that all-encompassing tingly feeling that starts at the base of my spine and spreads outward until I am absolutely positive that I will be attacked at any second and I NEED LIGHT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!! and then I finally find the light-switch and the light comes on and I see that no, it wasn't an orc, just a table, and I am flooded with humiliation and relief.  That adrenaline spike is usually good for another 15 minutes of intense vigilance, but I inevitably fall asleep again and end up repeating the whole process until Boyfriend wakes up to go to work or tricks me into falling asleep in my panic room so he can sneak out and leave me for dead since he's so sure there aren't any murderers in the spare bedroom.  It's like he's never even seen a horror movie.  Murderers are fucking everywhere and if you leave your bedroom door unlocked, sometime during the night the camera will zoom-in on your doorknob and the doorknob will turn slowly and guess what?  There's a serial killer or a zombie or a rapist on the other side and now you're dead because you were so sure that there wasn't anything in the spare bedroom.  But I'm too smart to fall for that because I'm a survivor and Boyfriend is more like the guy who goes to check on the weird noise and pretty soon he's just a headless torso with the words "YOU'RE NEXT" scrawled across its chest and then it turns into a media frenzy and I have to frame the story to preserve Boyfriend's dignity because otherwise he'd just look retarded for dying like that when his death was so clearly preventable with a little bit of common sense.

I'm pretty much the only reason he's still alive.

UPDATE:  I am still up at 3:00 AM partly because I'm scared to go to sleep in the living room and also because I wanted to get a screenshot of this:
I could go outside right now and spit on the ground and it would freeze within seconds and then I could spit on top of the spit and it would also freeze and I could keep doing that until I made a tower of frozen spit.  Like a sand castle.  Kind of.

UPDATE #2:  And that's why I shouldn't post at 3:00 AM.  I end up writing about spit-towers.  And then writing about how I wrote about spit-towers.

37 comments:

Ellie said...

I'm a little worried that (a) you haven't discovered that double-insulation film stuff you tape to your windows and hairdryer sealed and (b) you want to sleep in a PANIC ROOM?! How will you get out when the vampires come in as mist under the door?! SEE?!

Gigi said...

Ummmmm....Allie??? Thanks! I'd thought I'd out-grown this kind of thinking .... but thanks to you, I'll spend the rest of my adult life NEVER SLEEPING AGAIN!!!

Still - love you!

Memoirs of a Korean said...

Your living room looks really comfortable.

You and Merkin are almost exactly alike. It's scary. She thinks there are murderers and rapists everywhere in our building, and she usually makes me stay awake until she falls asleep.

You crazies...

Memoirs of a Korean said...

OH! and that Orc-Hole/Meth Cellar may be the creepiest thing that I've ever seen. I don't blame you for being afraid. If I had an Orc-Hole where I lived, I'd probably have diarrhea for the rest of my life.

Two Kayaks said...

I am coming out of lurkdom to say that I want to be your best friend. Please?
This post made me snort milk right out of my nose. Actually, it was only out of my left nostril, but it spurted out and now the inside of my nose is all moist.

Erin said...

From now on, I strictly prohibit you from seeing any movies unless they are rated G. Thanks.

And I actually thought of you as I tuned in to the weather channel the other day. I was feeling all sorry for myself because it was 27 degrees until I noticed the temperature in Montana was 1 degree. Misery. Keep up this survival business because if you die of hypothermia I'm going to be pissed. And I'll cry.

mylittlebecky said...

i'm always worried about burglars slash rapists surprising me while i'm peeing and or washing my hands and or sticking my hand out of under the covers. so i just don't do it. the plan has worked so far. stay strong, survivor. stay. strong.

Katie said...

I have a giant bank of windows in my room, so I'm always like, "there's going to be a creepy stalker looking in my window and then he's going to smash it open and come in and hide under my bed and I'll wake up the next morning feeling all normal and then I'll put my feet on the ground and then he'll grab my ankles and pull me under the bed and then he'll eat me because he's a stalker/cannibal and it will be all because I had to have giant wall-covering windows in my room.

And that's why my blinds stay closed.

Although I don't think that would stop a stalker/cannibal from breaking my windows and, subsequently, eating me. But it still makes me feel safer.

-Katie

CherBearBlue said...

omg I just wrote an amazing comment and IT DELETED IT. Fuck.

Anyway, I was trying to outparanoid you and I think I was almost there....but then the internet monster showed up and ate it and I can't retype it because I have a bedtime because 5 am is when I have to wake up. *sigh

anyway, hilarious post. Fuck ice!

Ed Adams said...

I tried feeling sympathetic to your plight, but honestly, I'm too warm and toasty in my house to be able to sympathize with you.

Being cold sucks.

dogimo said...

In the real Lord Of The Rings (I mean the books - they were still fiction I guess technically), the Uruk-Hai weren't dug out of mud-snot bubbles. They were half orc, half human, you guessed it: the work of orc-rapists.

You are a factory of awesome t-shirt slogans. Picture: front (tiny type):

murderers are fucking everywhere

Back (BIG):

YOU'RE NEXT

dogimo said...

Hey, wait a second - isn't Bruce made out of snuggie???

Seems a shame not to take advantage of that. Unless that constitutes misuse of dragon suit for mere utilitarian purposes.

Nikole said...

My good friend/crazy neighbor Brad has a creepy meth cellar too! It's all concrete walls and there's a drain in the floor with blood stains draining into it. He 'claims' it's rust but I know better. Rapists and zombies don't shack there for nothing.

Also, the first time I saw said meth cellar was while he carved a penis onto a pumpkin. With a chainsaw. Because that's what we do in Idaho.

Kurt said...

That's pretty much the coldest the world has ever been and it's like in The Day After Tomorrow where the weather is homicidal and out to freeze humanity's tits off and is an allegory for "man's inhumanity to man" or maybe "Where's the beef?"...I'm not good at allegory... but my point is THAT's your real killer-in-the-spare-room.

Fuck orcs.

mysterg said...

Every cloud has a silver lining...if there is an Orc-rapist living in your meth cellar, at least you can huddle together for additional body warmth. And if you're lucky he may be able to knit you something to keep you warm, even if it may slightly resemble a body bag.

BlackLOG said...

Now I'm not one to try and put a dampener on your party (Much) but have you thought through the whole panic room thing.

Picture it

1)You lock yourself in the panic room
2) You fall asleep
3) You wake (or possibly never wake) to find that the orc/killer/my mother (She might be currently locked up but that won't stop her...) - this might prove to be all three..... had got in while you were out and had been waiting for you to start the zzzzzz.....

Sweet dreams....

or

it might be a Freddy Krugger scinario and the only people who can save you are locked oustide the panic room

even more sweet dreams


my advice go down into the Meth Cellar and take on your fears...

erin said...

can't you make your house warmer? i always get all mom-like on everyone...but you could get one of those ceramic space heaters for your room that won't catch fire. Or you could put that plastic stuff on your windows...mmhmm.

Ok. I'm done.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I know it's probably uncomfortably cold, but from the photo your place looks like the biggest pillow fort ever. It's like a slumber party every night, right?? Fun!!

I won't tell you how notcold it is here, and how I complain about the cold of the notcold every day regardless.

Amy said...

Woman. $38 - Home depot. Tiny black space heater. About 10 inches tall and 8 inches wide. Heats up our 20 x 10 bedroom in about an hour. In 3 hours? Yeah... about 90 degrees. Then you can go back to normal sleeping patterns and boyfriend can sleep with you. We also this year got another one, a tall, skinny one for $45 which warms up the other 700 sq ft of our home in about an hour and a half. Just do it. We've seen hardly any change in our electric bill. Have boyfriend stope there on the way home from work.

Problem solved.

And padlock that creepy trap door... problem completely solved.

Random said...

Okay, I officially feel sorry for you. I was all pouty because it's like 60 degrees here this morning. You can come stay with me for a while. :) Welcome to Texas!

Just.Kate said...

But, dear fellow commenters, Allie would have to go outdoors and deal with the ice monsters (never read Brother Odd by Dean Koontz- not only is it a mediocre if addictive story, it has mother fuckin' ice monsters).

I'm so glad someone else is afraid of orcs in the shadows, except my fear is more the I, Legend variety of nasty fast monsters that smash things in with their faces.

Eff that.

mepsipax said...

Oh dear, you have a case of the crazies that makes me look sane. I love you but not in an internet stalk you and hide in your meth basement to prove your boyfriend wrong kinda way.
Oh and what about a serial killer zombie orc rapist. You would be so fucked. Ha get it. Fucked. I kill me (and maybe...)

mepsipax said...

And who the fuck chooses to live in Montana?

Candice said...

Oh dear. I thought I was suffering with the unploughed roads and icy sideawlks and possible deathtraps at every corner. This takes the cake.

linlah said...

I think the spit would freeze coming out of your mouth and fall to the ground in a million shattered pieces.

Wynn said...

Your weather really sucks, and I thought all this time that the weather sucked the most here. I was wrong.

Totally got you on the orch-thing though. I'm like that after wathcing ANYTHING containing ghosts because I believe in them. But I can be wide awake for like two days. That sucks. I can almost sleep normally now after watching Paranormal Activity like five weeks ago.

CWD said...

Allie,
I love your blog. I've been reading it for some but until now I have had nothing to say and Momma always told me to only speak (in this case type) if I had something to say, so it’s odd that this is my first comment considering I usually don’t follow Momma’s advice (except for that stuff about eating yellow snow - yum, thanks mom!). So, by rights I should have plastered your blog with meaningless and stupid comments. Now I do have something to say, it is stupid but it’s about Orcs!
1. All Orcs are rapists. Q. E. motherfucking D!
2. All Orcs are Meth addicts. They just euphemistically refer to it as the “black drink” to avoid problems with the man, er, I mean the immortal evil overlord Satan/Hitler/Stalin analog.
3. All Orcs are CANNIBALS. Which really aint so bad, because they eat other Orcs, and who cares about them? But they are also ANTHROPOPHAGITES (had to look that one up, but I am glad I did) which is bad because as an exemplary example of genus HOMO I object to being eaten. I bet you do too.
So what you really have to worry about is an Orc coming up from your meth hole high on meth to get you high on meth before raping and eating you while high on meth.
At least it will go fast.
Sleep well.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Uhm that one window shot really fucks with my anthropomorphiaphobiaism

D'Et said...

Allie, I totally feel your pain. I, too, live in a scary little carriage house in Missoula that gets like 3 inches of ice on the INSIDE of the window. Flamethrower idea = bad. Last year I took a small hand torch to the windows in hopes of melting off at least a foot of the ice and potentially dispelling the evil IM's... but all I did was break the window. Bad, bad, bad.

We also have a, like, 50 year old furnace in the basement that sounds like it has a large wildebeest trapped in it whenever it comes on. Maybe I should stick with space heaters, too...

I think it's been at LEAST a year since I've seen an orc in Missoula, though. Hang in there. ;)

Alex said...

Holmes' Comfort Temp space heater= a godsend. I'm currently couchcrashing in a friend's unheated guest room, and this thing prevents my limbs from going numb at night, hasn't raised the electricity bills, and has the added benefit that it hasn't threatened to set my entire (temporary) bedroom on fire like I'm always worried that space heaters will. Internal thermostat means that it turns on and shuts off when the room needs it, too. Sorry to sound like an advertisement but since I'm a bit of a couchsurfing hobo I know how wonderful heat can be.

amanda said...

What about the goblins under your bed? I'm positive they are going to reach out and trip me one night after I turn out the lights. Tricky devils.

Yurichan said...

I'm not trying to freak you out Allie, but I was confused about the bear-person thing in the first picture, and the bottom-left window pane looks like there is a frozen bear roaring at the camera... ^-^'' I'm a lil' freaked now...

shipofthesun said...

I feel Boyfriend's pain. My Ex was afraid of "the people", a band of, well. people, ill defined and horrifically dangerous, who were waiting to get us if we ever left the house after dark, and the bed after we got in it. Sigh. The other side of the coin is my daughter, who at the age of about 5 or 6 loved watching the Ring trilogy with me. Except Gollum. Gollum scared the bejeesus out of her, much the same way Dracula and the Mummy did for me as a child. So, she would come creeping in to our bedroom at 2 a.m. when she would wake up scared, and being my child, would in her perfect mimic voice say "precious is scared and wants to sleep with you two, oh yessssssss, precioussssssssssssss". I would then peel myself off the ceiling, and explain why daddy was in such pain, and attempt to go back to sleep. I was getting it from both sides. Tell Boyfriend it could be worse.You could conjoined twins, one of whom is worried about Orcs, and one who is worried about Mothra or something equally ridiculous, making the Orc side look bad.

Missy Y. (formerly A Case of You) said...

Don't be silly. Zombies don't open doors. They break them down. Michael Myers, yeah, he gently opens a door. Why? Because he's a fucking gentleman.

corynne said...

oh my gosh i do the same thing if i hear a nosie ill wonder if someone is in my house and ill get nervous and try to tell myself to sleep and it wont work ill picture some creepy troll and then ill lay there awake and scared with no one to turn to cause im 20 and should go to my parents nd my boyfreind aready went to sleep so i cant keep texting him im glad m not the only one who gets scared like that its so funny cause you make things im afraid of still sound hilarious your awesome

Altered Image said...

Have you ever tried the hot water trick? Basically when it gets that cold (or colder) you take a styrofoam cup of very hot water outside and throw it up in the air. By the time it starts falling back to the ground, it has turned to snow.
It is super fun, and even more fun if you try it with hot chocolate. Chocolate snow is the best!

LayLadyLay said...

Dear Allie,

#1: I love you. I love you so much it hurts my tummy. Just thought I'd get that out of the way

#2: I know this is about a bajillion months late, but I only just found you, my love, so be patient.

NOW FOR RELEVANCE! (kind of)

This reminds me of a Disney movie I saw when I was a kid called "Don't Look Under The Bed", because that's not ominous and totally okay for children.

In the movie there is a girl who keeps having terrible stuff happen to her/near her and gets blamed for it. Then the same stuff starts happening to her little brother, and it turns out all the stuff is being done by BOOGIE PERSONS.

The BOOGIE PEOPLE are created because they used to be the children's imaginary friends, and when the kids stopped believing in their imaginary friends, the imaginary friends became BOOGIE PEOPLE that are also personalized life-ruiners.

So it's all the girl's fault because she's like "I'm a grown-up now, imaginary stuff is dumb. Little brother, stop being so fucking dumb and be a grown-up too."

This it taught me a very important lesson: That acting like something doesn't exist only intensifies its evil and makes it more powerful!

So, basically, because Boyfriend is all like "There is totally NOT a murdering raping orc in the spare bedroom," HE IS ONLY MAKING IT STRONGER!!!

Since you totally accept the murdering raping orc's existence and give it the fear and respect it deserves, you're totally good. BECAUSE YOU'RE A SURVIVOR.

Boyfriend is totally going to get orc-murdered-and-raped. In that order.