This is Sasha:

Sasha had surgery today. She had to get a tumor removed. I am quite attached to Sasha and her surgery was a little risky because she's getting to be an old girl, so I was a nervous wreck until the vet called to tell us that everything was fine.

When I picked up Sasha from the vet, she was all dopey and looked almost dead.  I picked her up and held her to my chest to keep her warm and she stared up at me with her big, confused eyes because I'm sure she had no idea what was happening but she was glad I was there.  It was like watching a small child trip on acid.  Not that I have ever done that or would ever do that, but I can certainly imagine that it would at least somewhat resemble what a rat on Isoflurane and opiate pain relievers looks like.

My point is that it was heartbreaking.

My sympathy has faded a little since I brought her home.  She's obviously fine and I'm pretty sure she has figured out how to guilt me into giving her treats.  She started trying to chew out her stitches, so I gave her a banana.  She ate the banana and then left the stitches alone for a little while.  The next time she started chewing at her incision, I gave her another piece of banana to distract her.  She soon figured out that chewing on stitches = banana.  Now, she goes to chew on her stitches and I give her a piece of banana and she sets the fucking banana down, looks straight at me and starts nibbling her stitches again like "Oh, I'm sorry... did you want me to stop doing this?  You don't want me to make myself bleed all over the place?  Well, then I would suggest that you give me more bananas..."

Operant conditioning is a bitch sometimes.

Anyway, that's why I wasn't around today.

P.S.  I'm sorry about the clown train.

P.P.S.  You know what?  Fuck John Wayne Gacy too.  I didn't know who John Wayne Gacy was, so I googled that shit and now I'm never going to sleep again ever.  I got sucked into reading every detail of his life and couldn't stop even though I desperately wanted to and Boyfriend saw what I was reading and he was like "Oh no!  What are you doing?????  Stop it!" because Boyfriend can see the future and he knew that I was going to make him put another deadbolt on our door.  And guess what?  He was right.


Ed said...

You should really watch Dexter on Showtime.

It's awesome.

And totally NOT about serial killers or anything.

It's about puppies, and bunnies, and kittens, and unicorns, and rainbows, and nice shit.

Go on. Watch it.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Does Sasha have breast cancer? My rat had breast cancer three times. After the last tumor was removed, the stitches were so tight that they pullled one of her arms in tighter and over to the front of her chest, like a deformed T-Rex.

I pinned a little pink ribbon to her cage.

I hope she's ok! I love the white stripe on her head. Like a raticorn.

Allie said...

Ed - No Dexter.

Becky - you had rats too? That's awesome! Especially so because of the deformed T-rex arm. For some reason, deformed things are way cuter than properly formed things.
Sasha did have a mammary tumor, but I don't think it was cancerous. It made her look like she had one large boob right in the middle of her chest, though.
I'll try the pink ribbon. At least she'll know that I support her. But actually she'll probably just eat it.
I'll definitely tell her that you like her stripe and think it makes her look like a raticorn. That should definitely boost her spirits because I am pretty sure she's a unicorn enthusiast.

miss. chief said...

I had rats. Well actually my roommate had two. Their balls were disturbingly huge. Is that normal? Like, they'd run on my arms or whatever because I was trying not to be prejudiced against rats as pets even though I'm biologically predetermined to think they're yucky...anyway I could feel their balls on my skin and it was so creepy.

And then they peed and pooped on me and I was like "hell no"

the end

Allie said...

miss.chief - Rat balls ARE pretty huge. I've always had girl rats and one time I got a boy rat and I was like "DAMN!" But I'm biologically predetermined to be impervious to balls, so I was just like "meh, I've cleaned a horse's foreskin, so this is no big deal..." (True story. I've definitely cleaned a horse foreskin or two. That's really not as molester-y as it sounds. It is medically necessary, okay??? For the horse. So it doesn't get penis infections.)

Did you know that you can potty train rats? Mine try to run back to their cage if they have to go. But you can't really potty train boy rats. They just go wherever they want.

miss. chief said...

I did not know that.

Organic Meatbag said...

Allie handling horse penises...I don't even know what the fuck to say anymore...

Sorcerer said...

,... You don't want me to make myself bleed all over the place? Well, then I would suggest that you give me more bananas......


got a lot to do...catchup with your posts!!

Sarah said...

Yo. Did you read about his roommate who came home one night to find him crazed, 8 kinds of drunk, and dressed as a clown? Gacy tried to attack him, but the guy fought him off.

Sarah said...

Wait. Just read comments.

Do horses ever get circumcisions, or are they, by definition, all gentiles?

I'll add equine penis research to my to-do list.

Suzy said...

Animals and small children are smarter than adults, no doubt about it.

BlackLOG said...

Sasha has your eyes and since she looks about the same size as you (even the rats are bigger in America) you could borrow her whiskers and ears to enhance your lion pose picture ...

It sounds like it would be worthwhile getting stitches to see what I could get Mrs B to feed me :-

- First nibble at my stitches – hmmm, Ice-cream

- Second nibble - Excellent White chocolate covered Oreo’s (the only worthwhile snack you Americans have got, unless you still do those chocolate covered pretzels)

- Third munch down, these had better be diet stitches other wise combined with the treats I’m going to be the size of Barry White. Hang on a second, carrots, bloody carrots is she trying to kill me - eat enough of them and you turn orange, the next thing you are off down the crematoria and end your life smelling like vegetarian BBQ

So much for that experiment….

Nikole said...

I have definitely cleaned some horse penis in my life. And carried horse placenta (they're surprisingly heavy). And my roommate's mom got her to do an instructional penis cleaning video. Awesome.

A Real Housewife said...

i read the biography of john wayne gacy. BIG MISTAKE. disgusting freak!!!

if you like free shiz, you should check out my blog--first giveaway!!

Lauren said...

Allie---You totally have me laughing my ass off with your writing. You move me is so many ways!!! I hope your rat is doing well.

Random said...

That is the cutest little face ever! I just want to kiss it! :) The rat that is....

Caz said...

out of curiosity I decided to look up this John Wayne Gacy fella on Wikipedia....why?! You warned me and I big fat did it anyway!waaaah!

Anyway...your blog has successfully become the number one site on my list of procrastination websites...please can you make the pickle picture into a t-shirt? the one on his own when he is waving? I love him