I was having a hard time coming up with ideas for a blog post… so I started walking around my house, looking at things and thinking “what is something funny that I can say about that?"
This is what I came up with:
Furniture:
It would be really hard to rob a furniture store. Maybe that’s why we never hear about furniture heists. They should make jewelry out of furniture and then no one would have to lock their doors ever again. For this same reason, cash registers should only be filled with quarters. It would be really hard to outrun the law while carrying a bag of quarters. And even if you succeeded, you would have only made 39.95. There must have been a couple nickels in there. Damn.
Tortillas:
Tortillas are round. But is that really the most optimal shape for making a burrito? I think rectangular would probably be better. It’s much easier to fold rectangular things. The original tortillas were round because that is the shape of pans, but modern tortillas have no excuse. They need to break free of tradition for the sake of innovation. But I doubt that a tortilla could understand that.
Stapler:
Why don’t staples come in any other size? What if I have some documents that need to be stapled, but I have too many documents and the staple doesn’t reach all the way through? There’s nothing I can do. Unless I want to buy a staple gun, but those aren’t really staples in the traditional sense. If I used a staple gun on normal paper documents, I would feel like I was overreacting.
Box of Cereal:
I bought a box of corn Chex cereal. I bought it more out of guilt than anything because Chex tries so hard. I want to say “Chex, I appreciate your intricate pattern of criss-crossing corn, but I don’t think that it is really necessary. You don’t have to try so hard. I think people would still enjoy eating you even if you were just a random blob - I mean, look at cornflakes!”
Whiteout:
Whiteout is cool. Unless you make a mistake on paper that isn’t white. That’s funny if you think about it hard enough.
Toilet Paper:
Did you know that they make toilet paper with cute little pictures on it? It’s just like normal toilet paper only there are pictures of flowers and rainbows and teddy bears. I think that the picture toilet paper is for cynical people who enjoy purposefully destroying all that is good and beautiful in the world. They like seeing that little flower and thinking “I am going to cover you in excrement!”
TV:
Commercials for HDtv are pretty pointless. They show you an image that is supposed to be in HD, but if you don’t have HDtv, it just looks like what your regular TV looks like and you won’t really be that impressed. Only people who already have HDtv’s will be able to fully appreciate HDtv commercials. Maybe that’s the angle they are going for: “If you want to be impressed by this commercial, you have to buy an HDtv. Then you can watch this commercial to reassure yourself that you made the right decision.” The End. Maybe.
P.S. I got internet today. Kind of. But I didn't get raped or killed and that is the important part.
P.P.S. I have been contacted by a few people about my RSS feed not working. I would fix it, but I have no idea what's even wrong with it. Nevertheless, I am going to try to fix it which will probably start out semi-productively until I realize that I'm getting nowhere and then I'll just start clicking on things randomly to see what happens and if it fixed the problem but it probably won't (at least statistically speaking) and I will probably break the internet and then no one will ever get updates from me again. And they won't be able to look at LOLcats. That's the real tragedy.
UPDATE: I got a very hurtful comment. I cried and tweeted irrationally. Then I put on Bruce and now I can pretty much take anything.
Bring it, Fucker
40 comments:
There are days when you are very funny. There are days when you try too hard, but are still marginally amusing. There are days when you try so hard that it makes my hair hurt.
I'll let you decide which kind of day this is while I'm getting some aspirin for my hair.
I had a series of uncontrollable laugh attacks in my Spanish class today and just when I started getting myself under control I looked up a word that was in a recipe and it said mountain man. LOST. MY. SHIT. I'm pretty sure my teacher thinks I'm unstable. Or awesome. Or on drugs. Probably all three.
ps. this probably made no sense to anyone but I'm still kind of cracked out. Where am I?
Ummmmm, Allie?? Just so you know, they do make staples in different sizes...for the heavy-duty stapler. There. You learned something new for the day! You're welcome.
RSS feed is back. Congrats on not breaking the internet!
"FAIL": I find it hilarious how you are willing to publicly tear someone apart yet unwilling to share your true identity. Allie put herself out there with something different and you cower behind a false name while shouting insults. Very mature. I'm sure the real reason you don't share your identity is you know you pale in comparison. I'm sure he's jealous of your wit and good looks. He probably got tired of beating it to Kyle's video and decided to try to get his own.
I found this post very funny! It's not Allie's best work (Like it only scores 1.5 million on a scale of 1 to 10, instead of 2 million, I like the stories you tell of your past the best) but definitely new, different, and clever, and still hilarious! I've thought about those things too, especially the toilet paper (seriously, why the detailed prints??). You've got range and a witty mind.
Keep up the good work!
P.S. I'd share my blog with you but I'm not clever enough to have one. So I just enjoy other brilliant writings like yours.
Yeah, to reiterate what Gigi said, my work has like three different sized staplers. One of them can go through like 100+ pages. You'd think that would make my job awesome, but it doesn't.
I also have to share something else with you because I think you're the only other person who might think it's as relevant as I do at this particular moment: Allie, don't drink beer and milk together. It's really, really gross.
I usually start creating things in my mind when I think about all the random shit I have in the house.
Like, wouldn't it be so cool to have an automatic cheese shredder? Not everyone can afford to buy both a block of cheese and shredded cheese, so it would be awesome if I could just cut a block of cheese in half, insert it into the shredder machine, and let it do the work for me, instead of taking layers of my skin off using the big metal box I have.
...I dunno. Seems logical.
Adelaide- steer clear of tequila and apple juice..
@Nikole - glad you told me because that actually sounds kind of good and I would probably have tried it at some point.
@Adelaide - no shit! We have all this awesome crap at work, but the job itself??? Not so awesome, usually.
Allie - still. Totally love you! Keep writing and screw FAIL. He's an idiot.
Dude, FAIL's going to get some hardcore nip latchings...I'll latch onto those suckers so hard that he/she will fail to breastfeed his/her babies. IN YOUR FACE, FAIL!
I totally feel you on coming up with ideas to write about. You've been doing this much longer than I have, and I applaud you for your efforts. Each and every one of your posts makes me laugh. Sometimes I'd get the surprise guffaw, and I pee/poo a little.
The HD TV comment is a good point though.
Bruce is freaking epic...he makes me cry.
I think rectangular tortillas would be kind of awesome. But then.. you know someone would invent a rectangular frying pan. Just because they can.
I usually try and find someone new to sleep with. It works pretty well.
After having the worst day EVER, I decided that it would be better for my mental health to read your blog instead of cry myself to sleep. And there you were in your Bruce costume. I really needed that. I may have to put that on my refrigerator. Would that be weird?
LOVE the video!
I totally agree with everything you just said. Mostly beceause you're a genious. Why don't they make square tortillas?? I feel like there's money to be made with that idea. Not so much the furnature jewelry, but it's a good thought lol
What is it with you getting attacked by trolls lately?? Jeezus!! You might want to change the comment settings so that only users with accounts can post, that should help. You'll still get trolls like mr douchetective or whatever but then we can turn around and troll the hell out of them right back.
Ps my phone suggested "Jew" instead of " jewelry". What the fuck is a furnature Jew?
Also I need a Bruce! Maybe not a dragon costume specifically, but a confidence enhancing thing is awesomeness. The closest I have are my kickass boots...they're very pointy! I would totally love to kick Fail with them!!
So, I have something worthwhile to say this time.
I've tried rectangular tortillas. They suck. Those corners that the round versions leave off? Totally fucking wasted. You bite down at one end and it's like 'dammit, my burrito is bean-less', because you basically get a mouthful of tortilla. Which is great if you're lazy and it's too much trouble to throw away that moldy half-used can of beans in the fridge and get new ones so you just have a tortilla instead, but sucks if you actually TOOK THE TIME to make yourself a burrito, and the only tortillas you could find were rectangular ones made for wraps/rollups, and you DON'T GET ANY DELICIOUS BURRITO PART with your bite.
I think that sentence should have been about five. Sentences. Rather than one.
James, welcome to the internet. While your indignant upbraiding of the troll was quite thoughtful and gallant, it was most likely pointless.
Those of us that have been here for several minutes or more have learned that the only thing more annoying than trolls are people who engage with them.
Similarly, this post is really annoying for engaging with you.
It is my hope that I draw my own lecture on proper behavior and we can bounce around like a photon between two mirrors for the rest of time.
Love
Someone who doesn't use their real name either cause they're a god damn coward and are very scared that James might be the James we know from Quantum.
First, all uber talented people (such as yourself) are hated by those less than..
Second, I love Bruce.. Does Bruce have a brother?
You loveable weirdo! So Bruce is your power animal?
Oh and I agree on the toilet paper thing. The idea of destroying something beautiful is rather appealing. Plus it's a much better option than wiping your ass on a puppy.
Wazzup with the haters? Jerks.
So, when we were in college, my husband (who was my bf then) used to use a rarely used bathroom on the third floor of the library. (Everyone needs a quiet place to read.)
Anyway, one day, he unrolled the fresh toilet paper roll about halfway, and wrote on one square, "God hates you." Then, he rolled it back up perfectly, so no one would notice it had been unrolled.
I think it would have been worse if it the toilet paper had teddy bears and rainbows on it. The person who found his message might have felt really bad about himself.
Hmmm. This makes me question the decision to marry him.
Chex are pretty good...until you realize they basically taste like nothing.
Who left a hurtful comment and what did it say? You need me to kick someone's ass because I can do that. No really, I'm only 5'2 and that's as far as I can reach. [Let me guess, this person was anonymous? That's usually how it works on the Intergeek.]
When things get mean, just repeat my favorite motto: "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have - the Facts Of Life, the Facts Of Life!"
There are, in fact, industrial staplers. But I only found that out in recent years, so don't feel bad.
The toilet paper thing was hilarious and most likely accurate.
Dude, that is totally how great writers come up with shit. You wanna write my NaNoWriMo book for me? 'Cause I'm too busy basking in your awesomeness to come up with a story.
Oh, and I drew you a picture when you were feeling bad but I think I sent it after you lost interwebs, because you never wrote me back and I cried and now I feel like I'm a loser. Unless you didn't write me back because I am a loser, in which case, okay. Because I still love you, and I will pretend that you are my best friend anyway.
And you should go and edit Fail's post, because he was just confused and what he really meant to say was that he loves and adores you and wants to be your slave for all time.
You're the bestest Allie-McNallie!
FAIL is a douchebag. You made me laugh. And also I want you to put up instructions for how to make Bruce ... like a Martha Stewart craft pattern or something.
Steamy sent me.
She said you give good head.
err....or have a good head on your shoulders....or something.
I've got chronic selective hearing.
Allie, it sounds like you need to start making some more Bruce outfits and sell them to people. You can market it with many different angles: halloween costume, birthday parties, weddings, a self-esteem booster, S&M videos, etc. The possibilities are endless.
I think we should start a sweatshop and start pumping these suckers out.
I love you and I'll see you when I get home.
Love,
Boyfriend
I am a douchebag, but I'm also right. Great writers have a distinctive voice - and you have a distinctive voice, too, Allie. When you work so hard at it, you lose your voice and your writing suffers. You're actually fucking brilliant and posts like this one make me want to scream because you're better than this. Way better.
The people who say this post is as funny as the others are either A) lying to make you feel good (which means they aren't being helpful) or B) tone deaf. If they're tone deaf, they can't tell the difference between a piece written by Chris Rock, David Sadaris or Mark Twain - all wickedly funny but vastly different writers.
Stick with what you do brilliantly and don't sell out. If it doesn't make you laugh, it's not funny. I would bet you 1,000 Bruce suits that writing this didn't make you laugh.
Bruce is awesome. The End.
Fail is an intellectual troll. That's cute.
you are totally right about the toritllas!! Every time I try to wrap one and spill half the meat out, I will remember that!!
"Commercials for HDtv are pretty pointless. They show you an image that is supposed to be in HD, but if you don’t have HDtv, it just looks like what your regular TV looks like and you won’t really be that impressed. Only people who already have HDtv’s will be able to fully appreciate HDtv commercials. Maybe that’s the angle they are going for: “If you want to be impressed by this commercial, you have to buy an HDtv. Then you can watch this commercial to reassure yourself that you made the right decision.” "
I, too have thought about this.
holy shit - i have that same couch from pier 1! hahaha...and here i thought it was your hilarious blog that kept me reading, but in actuality, it was only the power of the puke green couch connection that lured me on...that in itself, is awesomeness.
Reading FAIL's comment made me feel like when I go on RottenTomatoes.com to read movie reviews before I go the theater. But then I regret it because all of the reviews are by a bunch of pretentious wannabe movie critic nobodies who couldn't enjoy a movie if their lives depended on it because their heads are so far up their own asses. But for some reason I keep reading anyway, feeling more and more enraged and sad for these people, because if you can't sit back and enjoy a little Mighty Ducks 3, what do you even have to live for in this world?
I finally have to stop reading when I get to a bad review about Short Circuit 2, because you know what? Maybe there were a couple of racist undertones, and maybe Steve Guttenberg was woefully absent, but Johnny 5 has a goddam heart of gold. And remember that part where those assholes beat Johnny 5 up, and then he gets away but he's bleeding pretty bad, and then Fred the scientist finds him but is pretty sure he's going to die, but then he's ok and by this time you are crying like a baby on your living room couch because, holy crap this movie is so damn beautiful. And then Johnny 5 brings those effers to justice.
My point is, people like "Fail" talk about how Emilio Estevez's performance in "Bobby" was so brilliant and that he's "so much better" than "Mighty Ducks 3". But that's bullshit because Mighty Ducks 3 totally teaches us about teamwork, and not judging a book by it's cover, and that when do gang vocals of "We are the Champions" it is the most epically triumphant thing that has ever happened. And we would all be better people if we learned some of those lessons a little more, right? Emilio wasn't all about Mighty Ducks 3 because it was the most brilliant work ever, it's because he knew when he and Charlie were nodding and smiling knowingly at one another when they won the championship, that that shit was pure gold.
It's the same with you Allie. I suspect that you don't write every blog post thinking "I hope this is my most brilliant writing yet!!! This one is the Pulitzer winner.. I just know it!". I bet you write it thinking "Hey, I think these things about stuff, maybe other people think them too." or "This could be at least mildly entertaining to the people who come to visit my page every day".
And you know what Allie? I DO think those things too about HDtv and whiteout. And I AM entertained by your witty observations.
Don't be like "Fail" Allie, be like Emilio. You are awesome.
ps. I love tang.
Allie, Fail doesn't know shite from shinola. Any creative writing instructor will tell you that the most important thing is ~TO WRITE~. It isn't all golden, but the more you stretch and keep on writing, the better it all gets. Keep writing, keep posting, and I'll keep reading.
I know this is an older post, but I feel a civic duty to share my invented stapler technique. (It's probably more of a discovery, but I like "invented" better because it makes me sound like a go-getter)
OK, so take your papers and separate them into two piles. Staple each pile on its own, but a little farther into the page than you normally would. Then stack the two piles and staple the middle 50% using half from each of the already stapled piles. Is it an elegant solution? No. Is it a cheap solution for a grad student who doesn't want to invest in a second, larger stapler? Absolutely. As they say, "poverty brought on by the crippling cost of education in this country is the mother of invention."
Bruce to the rescue! I enjoyed your comments about random things. I felt the need to point out that that they do make staplers for larger sized stacks of papers. They are really kick ass and can go through a whole LOT of paper all at once and even a finger! Go on, ask me how I know!
PS: I still haven't figured out what I am supposed to be doing today, so I am going to keep reading and commenting until something changes.
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