Boyfriend Doesn't Have Ebola. Probably.

I took Boyfriend to the Emergency Room last night because he was vomiting up vast quantities of what I thought was blood but actually it was just Craisins. You guys, if you feel like you may become violently ill in the near future, stay away from red food. Failure to do so may create an atmosphere of unnecessary panic and chaos.

Anyway, the doctor wanted to make sure that Boyfriend didn't have SARS or stomach AIDS or something, so he had to poke him a lot. While he was doing this to Boyfriend, he pointed to a little reference chart on the wall and asked Boyfriend to rate his pain::




You've probably seen some version of that chart before.  You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you.  Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0:  Haha!  I'm not wearing any pants!

2:  Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog!

4:  Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes.

6:  I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I'm bored.

8:  The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.

10:You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying!

 None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:


0:  Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don't know why I'm even here.

1:  I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2:  I probably just need a Band Aid.

3:  This is distressing.  I don't want this to be happening to me at all.

4:  My pain is not fucking around.

5:  Why is this happening to me??

6:  Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now.

7:  I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared.   

8:  I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.

9:  I am almost definitely dying.

10:  I am actively being mauled by a bear.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers:  You probably have ebola.  It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

132 comments:

Imnotbenny said...

I'm going to print this out and take it along with me when I go do my clinicals. Should be good.

Updates to follow.

Grant said...

You ever see those depression charts? They are just as bad.

I also don't get #2 on the doctor version. Why would anyone smile, even a little bit, if they were at the hospital in pain.

Ireland said...

I think your chart is infinitely more realistic than that stupid doctor's one. from now on, whenever I feel like crap, want to stay home from school, and my mom asks "how are you feeling?"; I'll show her your chart and be like "don't doubt my pain, woman!" while pointing angrily at 8 or 10 or something. She'll believe me then, I bet.

Ben said...

I want a chart like that to outline erotic arousal. I feel like we could sell it to undersatisfied woman around the world and get super duper rich and oh wait am I supposed to be asking about how the boyfriend is doing cause I'd much rather just work toward global domination as per usual?

Untypically Jia said...

I think you need to make a depression and arousal chart now.

ShineForLife said...

I'd glad you started with a straight face. Sometimes I laugh when I'm in pain, but those are small pains that are kind of mixed up with funny situtations. Like spinning around in my wheely chair and banging my knee on the metal filing cabinet. That hurts. But it's also funny.

The Recreational Pre-Med said...

Madam, your blog is better than sex on a rollercoaster while eating the top off of a cupcake.

And your adventures in Paint are all the justification one needs for this claim.

Martin said...

Ha! Love it. I truly hope your pain level chart becomes universally adopted by hospitals everywhere.

Hipstercrite said...

one time i ate beats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. later that evening, what came out of me, scared me. i was convinced i was dying.
the beauty of vegetables.

Sarah P said...

Wow, Allie. I hope he is feeling better!
I do like your chart better.

TallGuySurfing said...

Best chart ever! LMAO!

M said...

Yessssss this is so fucking funny. Classic.

Tony said...

I've been at a constant six lately...your chart is pretty darn accurate

Just.Kate said...

Holy. Shit. New universal chart, ahoy.

Also, your interpretation of the real doctor's office chart is perfect. Whenever I'm there I think about child birth and how it was pretty much #10 times A THOUSAND and then I get really irrate and my doctor is always snippy because I'm in full asshole mode by the time she shows up.

Kelly said...

Fabulous! I love your chart and will take it to my fibro doc the next time I go. I will point to the one with blood dripping out the eyes and say, "THIS is my pain, and THIS is why you need to give me better drugs."

Jo said...

I have tears of laughter rolling down my face! You are hilarious... thank you.

Homemaker Man said...

Feel better BF. I think your chart is the first one to include an appropriate pain level for labor. From what I've heard.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

Boyfriend has Ebola. When you go to the funeral wear a low cut black number, but not too low that you look like a whore...and sensible shoes.

hey, get your follower "Ben" to send me pictures of himself coming out of the shower.

bonequinhoda bic said...

Right now i´m feeling like a 6 on your chart.
I´m laughing so hard that tears are running down my eyes...hahahahahahafucccck....
I hope hahahahah your hahah boyhahahhahahfriend get´s wellhahaha soon , hahahahaha, sorry, i can´t stophahahaha.........

mepsipax said...

Hope bf doesn't die. They need your pain scales. I was on the last one when I had the kidney stones. Oh dear god. As always, great fucking drawings.

Matthew J Bevis said...

I'm glad it's nothing serious (the 'graveside' image I posted on the forum had me wondering, "What if he dies and I've been totally inappropriate with this picture?", but then I shrugged my shoulders and posted it anyway).

Your interpretations of both graphs are hilarious. I look forward to your representations of the erotic chart that Ben suggested, above.

Lanned said...

I really, really hate that chart (their chart, not yours). Everytime they ask me to rate my pain I want to scream, "It's a 12!!!" but then I think they'll think I'm trying to score the good drugs (which I totally am but they don't need to know that and also I'm a giant wuss so any pain is like a 40 on the richter scale). I also think everyone who sees me think I totally look like a druggie but I forget that I no longer wear the goth makeup because I'm a GRANDMOTHER now (poor planning having a kid while I was in college) and I look old and no one expects old, respectable people to be trying to score the good drugs and so I can scream its a 12 and no one will think anything of it...and yeah I hate those charts. I'm glad your boyfriend doesn't have ebola because that is freaking contagious.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

They have these same kinds of charts ("feelings" pictures) in some special ed classrooms, to better allow the kids to express themselves. One time I walked in and this kid was screaming his head off (like #10 on your chart) while pointing to a face on the chart that looked exactly like what he was doing. Like in case it wasn't clear.

I want a feelings chart. Sometimes it's hard to use my words.

Gigi said...

Ummmm? Allie?? I totally posted a comment earlier (I KNOW I did!)....now it's gone. I'm getting a bit paranoid as all my comments seem to be disappearing (not just from your blog...but I'm just saying...) (dontcha love me anymore? :-( )

maggly1234 said...

We don't have those at our doctors office!!! Once I broke my foot and when they asked me how much I hurt I didn't have ANY idea what to say, so I just said 5...your chart doesn't have a 5 so I'm going to add it.

5:IT'S LIKE I'M ON FIRE AND ALL OF MY NOSE HAIRS ARE GETTING PULLED OUT AND I SAT ON A NAIL!!!!!! Oh wait, it feels a little better but probably I should go to the hospital just in case I have Ebola.

Is that too dramatic for 5?

Mad Mrs. E said...

"My pain is not fucking around"

I'm gonna be thinking of that one for a long time! LOVES IT!

Ed Adams said...

What a waste of good Craisins.

Maybe it was a delayed reaction to your appearance yesterday.

Elly Lou said...

Sweet! Now can you do one for the terror alert levels?

dogimo said...

Boy do I agree with you. Their #2 is definitely not the face of "Hurts little bit." In fact, the disconnect between that face and "Hurts little bit" is so jarring as to make it potentially an awesome t-shirt.

There should be one with a mohawk: "MY PREDICTION? PAIN!!!!!!"

Jaxie Fantastic said...

Yeah... so I pretty much just had Dr. Pepper come out my nose while simultaneously laughing at your chart. Kudos on that one.

determined2fly said...

ROFL that's amazing! I really think your scale should be universal in every doctor's office and hospital :)

Little Ninja said...

I started giggling when I read this. Aloud. A little bit like a retarded monkey, really...

Jay Ferris said...

I am super fucking tempted to proudly display your scale of pain in the cube of awesome. It would no doubt prove useful in effectively articulating just how much pain someone else's stupid is causing me.

Rebecca said...

I think 10 needs a bear actively mauling. That way the point REALLY gets across.

Eva said...

That is fucking awesome!

BlackLOG said...

Don't you think there is something odd about (or to be more accurate not odd) about the pain scale. I demand my right not to have to express my pain in an even way....
There should be an expensive and ultimately waste of time investigation in to the declining use of odd numbers in medical practices, perhaps Sesame Street could lead a campaign for the protection of odd numbers...

Ink Spiller said...

It took me a really long time to stop laughing which is kind of sad because we're talking about hurt people here and now I'm wondering what kind of person I really am laughing at hurt people....

Then I realized I need a chart like this but for urgency. When project managers come up to me at work and demand things done NOW because it's so URGENT and the boss is going to rip arms and legs off and decapitate people if this stuff doesn't get done and now all these people's fates depend on me it would be super useful to have a chart to point and so I could calmly:
1. Ask them to rate their emergency.
2. Compare their face to the chart to see if they're exaggerating.

the aloof observer said...

Your chart is made of epic win. It simply needs to become standardized. ;O

Alyssa Liles said...

You have no idea how happy you have made me. I always felt like the facial expressions were completely disconnected to the number scale. Totally fucked up.
Also I am so happy to have found your blog tonight and you can imagine my joy when I discovered you are in Hamilton while I am from Missoula.
Happy days

You can call me, Hammy said...

Your wit astounds me. I literally almost peed my pants just now, while crying, because of your new chart. I showed it to my friend who is in Physician's Assistant school. She said she just might put that up in her office one day.

Woolly said...

Thanks for the laugh.... I needed it!!!

publicknitting said...

Love the chart. Also, how dare boyfriend eat crasins and then get really sick and throw up!! What was he thinking?!

publicknitting said...

Love the chart. Also, how dare boyfriend eat crasins and then get really sick and throw up!! What was he thinking?!

MODG said...

you need to sell this shit to hospitals and doctors ASAP. I mean like every last one of them. I've never seen the original chart but everytime I go to the hospital (read: a lot) they ask me to rate the pain. And I'm all, well my 8 may not be your 8 so can we discuss this further? Then they roll their eyes and I'm worried they put danger in my IV.

Russ said...

Last time I had a stomach bug, I ate some black cherry jello. Bad move.

Moooooog35 said...

I would completely change the #3 one to:

"I can't believe I just ate Craisins."

inflammatory writ said...

Same thing happened to me! I had eaten a beet salad and forgotten about it, then had some mussels and fries. So when I had blood red diarrhea later on, I of course figured I was dying and we rushed me to the ER. I did figure it out before I got anally probed, though!

Erin said...

honestly, i don't even understand why those charts are relevant for adults. at age 25, i'm pretty sure i could accurately describe how much pain i'm in without pointing to a chart. but if they insisted on presenting me with a chart, i'd rather it be yours. because then at least it'd be funny. except in the event my pain was from a broken rib. i hear laughing hurts when you've got a broken rib.

Becky said...

I'm going to be having a baby at any minute now (the people in elevators keep asking me not to have it there...um...OK?), and I'm TOTALLY printing out your chart to bring with me to the hospital to point to when someone asks me how much it hurts.
Thank you for this service to humanity.

Kurt said...

A picture is worth a thousand words, which means this post is like 19,000* words long and should probably get over yourself, Miss Jibba-jabba.

*I'm counting each head as a seperate picture because according to the Supreme Court that's the only Fair way. (See Scope's Monkey Trial for Details.)

Anonymous said...

Most outrageous blog posting yet. Hilarious!

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

I've had to fill out more forms than I can count with those dumb smiley faces and all I could ever think of was, "Is there an option for, 'Fuck me, this hurts!!'?"

Saadi said...

Ur pain charts RUUUUUULLE!!!!
:D

kate said...

When I went to the ER for stabby gallbladder pains last year, I was definitly near an 8 or 9 on your chart. So much dry heaving. So much crying. Thank God for morphine or I might have lost it right then and there...

Shana said...

I'm glad to hear it's not ebola. I'm a little grossed out about the vomited craisins.

Witty said...

I recently had a kidney stone. not fun. very painful and i feel it is safe to say that i went through all 10 of your stages. but for me number 10 was give me some fucking drugs or i am going to get violent.

Salt said...

Your chart belongs in emergency rooms all across the country!

CarrieAnn said...

I always feel like when I hit a 6 or above that they are going to think I'm lying. And then I apologize for feeling that bad. I think I have issues.

AMBELLINA said...

OMG I need to write to the AMA and send them your lovely list. They should SO replace the stupid-pain-charty-thing with yours. I mean, 11 is like childbirth before the spinal/epidural. 6 is like stubbing your toe (at least for those first few seconds.) 13 is like when my brother almost died with 22 compound fractures in his shin bone and now comes with metal plates in his leg. Oh, that made my childbirth stories pale in comparison...let me tell you.

Krista said...

Did you get bf to rate his pain on your better, more accurate scale?!

Christina In Wonderland said...

I think the pain from my laughter is too great for numbers. You may have given me ebola! Or stomach AIDS.

Loco YaYa said...

i work in a hospital. and i have to tell you...i had a HARD time fighting the urge to replace all of our pain scales with yours. i do believe we would eliminate half of the belly-acher's if this was the pain scale model.

Stephanie High said...

I have never in my life seen one of those charts before, they seem kinda rediculous, can't people just explain using their like mouths and stuff? Anyway I think yours is much better and you should definitley send it to them.

Kyle said...

The whole not eating red food when you're sick is excellent advice.

BlackLOG said...

Thanks for taking my almost credited credit off, for inspiring the odd numbers on your chart.....I feel like a five year old who's gold start got put against someone else's name (But I knew it was mine) only to find a couple of days later it got removed altogether. Have you been studying George Orwell

Even numbers good
Even numbers good
Even numbers good
Even numbers good, odd names better....

I'm off to burn down the barn and eat the sheep, the bloody propagandist gits

dawn said...

I love love love the pain pictorials.
Much better descriptive faces for pain levels than the ones I use in my job as a nurse.

I think I may have to carry these with me so I can ACCURATELY rate my patient's pain.

Rebecca said...

I just got back from the er (vicious fight with a glass), and totally used your version in my head when they asked me about pain. Way more useful, plus the added benefit of distraction.

Amanda West said...

Ahhh! My abs hurt from laughing!!

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard, I printed it and brought it into work (I'm a physical therapist), then we all laughed our asses off and I hung it up in the kitchen. Then I had to bring one of the orthopedic surgeons over to see it and he laughed his ass off.......so you just might see your chart printed in some orthopedic textbook some day! Thanks for making our day!

tiferet said...

Thanks for this. I had a placental abruption in 1993 which nearly killed me (lost the baby, too) and so when I go in the docs office and they show me this chart I always end up saying things like, "look, my 10 is a placental abruption with contractions that NEVER STOPPED until they put me under general anesthesia, so if I say I am at 5, that does not mean I need a damn Motrin."

Anonymous said...

It's really very simple: 10/10 pain is ebola pain. If you think you have 20/10 pain, then adjust than in your mind and call it a ten. But know that if you rate your pain a ten, I reserve the right to kick you in the nuts and break your fingers. Your pain is already the highest it can be; it cant get worse!

Amanda Pokentickle said...

Allie, as a nurse, I approve this new and improved pain scale. I will take this too work and lobby for it's incorporation to our practice. I am sure our patients will think it is far superior and much more appropriate.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Well, what a letdown that he wasn't all that sick after all. Jeesh.

I love the poop charts myself. I did a whole blog post on it, which my husband detested, which made it all the better.

Anonymous said...

G - you are a fucking genius!! why have I only just discovered you!? WHY???

Jon said...

that just made me laugh so hard i cried. you're such a fantastic human being.

Ky said...

Finally someone who understands pain-levels. This should be a mandatory chart in all hospitals and medi-clinics.

Underwater68 said...

OMG your stuff is hysterical. Great work. I make a joke about the stupid pain scale any time I'm at the dr's office. Think they'd be upset if I printed this and taped it over the original?

Galadriel said...

Found your post via http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/?p=4431. Love the pain scale.

Every time I'm asked to rate my pain, I start off saying, "Okay, I've ruptured a disk. I've had pain so bad it made me pass out. I *know* what a 10/10 is." 'Cause they tend to think that if I say my pain is 5 or 6 out of 10, then it's not that severe.

Here's my top-of-pain-scale rankings:
10/10 is unconscious from pain. 9/10 is pain so intense that I can't speak. 8/10 is pain so bad I can only speak to attempt to communicate the pain. If I'm coherent but the pain is seriously interfering with my motor capacities, it's 7 or below.

I once watched someone banging on a counter, demanding to be seen immediately, because he had 10/10 pain. BS, man. You can stand, you can speak, you clearly don't KNOW what 10/10 pain is.

Dave said...

I'm a med student. This is being shown to every single one of my lecturers.

xanaxnation said...

any plans to go back and ass the zombie? =) thanks for the laugh.

Zombie Twatz said...

I so need this when I end up in the ER for my kidney infections. I get up to a 9-10 and when they ask me to rate my pain I just scream in agony. I think stapling your little chart to my chest and circling the appropriate face is just what I need! <3

Zumbooruk said...

Dear Allie,

Awesome! Rock on. Mega restecpa. Found your post from popurls.

~Sam Jackson

Laren said...

I've always made a point to note to my doctors that, as a masochist, it's very difficult for me to answer this question.

Anonymous said...

You might like my modified pain scale chart from a while ago: http://nerdcred.net/2010/02/17/pain-scale-corrected/

Fatima said...

This is one of the most hilarious things I have ever read...
I was laughing out loud at work which just makes me look like some crazy person....
OH GREAT I have turn into that homeless person pushing the cart and talking to an orange

But I dont care... this was awesome and soo worth it.

alex said...

I have no idea where you're from, but if you happen to see a paramedic on the streets of Washington, D.C. using these (handily universal-language) faces, don't be surprised. It's just me.

Wong-Baker is no more. Brosh faces are in.

Anonymous said...

This is made so much better by the fact that I actually had a doctor ask me to rate my pain on a scale of "why are you here" to "mauled by a bear".

Lisa Beeson said...

I think I may have had stomach AIDS as a child. Or could it could have just been my Mom's cooking.

BURN!

Take that Mom!


P.S. ( just kidding, I love you)

Dan said...

As a nurse, I approve of this.

Adam777T said...

Thanks for posting this. Excellent representation of my own thoughts and feelings of that chart. I've always hoped that those were mostly for people who speak English as a second language or something. Because I've found them to be pretty useless when you are capable of describing your pain with words rather than a number associated with a smiley or not so smiley face.

cleefa said...

You are a genius. Pardon me while I steal a copy for the Pain Management Department I attend - they'll get a giggle out of it.

Classic Fun said...

Lol! YMMD!

JenRN78 said...

That was effing brilliant. My day is made.

Ramy said...

Also brilliant. I do intend to print this out and show it in clinic. The kids will be pleased, I'm sure.

Eric said...

You need a #13 that starts you back at the beginning.

The face where you are in so much pain that your nervous system shuts down and you look like you're at #0 again.

jmirickg said...

I want a t-shirt of the "to serious for numbers" image. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

The weird thing about all of this is that this pain chart (formally known as the Wong-Baker FACES Pain Rating Scale) was originally for PEDIATRIC patients, who have trouble communicating their degree of pain, and yet I keep seeing references to it being used for adults -- seemingly inappropriately (as you point out, it seems a little dorky to use it for grown-ups who have many colourful ways of expressing their discomfort.

Anyway, I forwarded your proposed chart to my mother, an MD, and she enjoyed it immensely. I can only assume the Brosh Grownupiatric FACES of Indescribable Agony and Bear-Mauling chart will soon come into standardized use.

Kara said...

I have never been to your blog before, so now I'm all grateful to Skwigg's twitter page. I am snickering madly over your pain chart. I am going to print it out and take it to my doctor to put on her wall. I'm sure she will, although she may have to **** out the swearwords since people bringing their children to see her might get all pissy about it. Actually, I suppose the bleeding eyeballs might offend some parents too, but what the hell.

Eris said...

I'm pretty sure you could get by with a very simple chart:

1. :-/ It's not a tumor
2. :-2 I stubbed my toe
3. %-O I'm having a baby
4. *-0 Cluster Headache, plz kill me

Julia Riber Pitt said...

Shit. Are doctors becoming that lazy now?

hellonurse said...

I think you need to add one to the left side with pinpoint pupils and rotten teeth that says "negative 10...I'm just here for the oxy"

librarianwoes said...

From someone in a lot of pain (for real), I salute you for bringing a smile to my face. Thanks!

amanda m. said...

Dear Allie, Please put your pain chart on mugs. I will buy at least two, but possibly 9. I NEEEED this. Thank you.

Wacky Lisa said...

I'm sorry you boyfriend got sick. I've done the red food thing myself. D'oh!

as to your chart. YES! I love it. I truly do. I may have to print it out and laminate it and take it with me to the doctor. I think I woke up my DH squee'ing with joy about it. Oops.

Heidi said...

Somebody in my chronically ill knitters' support group just linked to this post. We all agree that your pain chart is a huge improvement on the regular one! Plus, I just laughed my ass off. You rock!

Kraken said...

WOW this is such a totally accurate and descriptive chart

my sciatica was acting up last week and i could so easily identify with poor mr #7 and #8 there

the doctors actual chart #10 there looks like i did when i broke my littlest toe

this chart should so be used .. though they might not include the last two.. LOL don't want to "disturb" the patients

Jessica said...

"I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you."--win for best comment form message.

My husband works at a children's hospital and has the regular doctor's pain chart on the back of his name tag. I told him he should print this one out and tape it there instead. I'm almost 98% sure he'd get a raise if the hospital wasn't so poor.

Desiree said...

I'm totally bringing this to my migraine doctor Friday...perfectly descriptive :) Made me laugh uncontrollably even though I was at a 6.

obsidiantears83 said...

This chart is actually accurate! Docs in hospital keep telling me "there is no 12" and I screamed there was! I think it is because most health professionals have never suffered from a chronic or severe condition before. I am sending this to all my friends who get Twelves!

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Damn! That's useful. And so much morre realistic than the crap floating around in ER's.

Wendi said...

This is epic. My husband is printing it out to take to the office, to share with all the other migraineurs.

Weekly Cupcake said...

I have never been to your blog before but I have a crush on you based on this blog. So. Freaking. Funny. LOVE!

Beaker said...

During my last ear infection, the doctor asked me how bad it hurt. Compared to giving birth a kidney stones, I said 4. When he talked about sticking a needle in my ear to relieve the pain, I got very excited about it. My husband and my doctor exchanged a weird look. I didn't understand it at the time. Now it makes perfect sense... According to your chart I should have said my pain is an 8.

Cassie said...

I have *multiple* chronic pain issues, and have always hated these stupid charts. Your new one kicks all kind of ass. It just plain rocks. I've experienced the level 12 business- lets just say that shattering your hip is definitely a 12 and leave out the many cuss words I normally think of at the same time thoughts of that incident pass through my mind. Any time a steady stream of dilaudid and fentanyl keeps a person at an 8, you know it's not pretty.

But while I'm utterly capable of smiling while in pain, I can smile and laugh right up to an 8. Comes from living every day at an average of 5.5. If I stopped smiling every time it hurt, I would never smile. So those stupid smiley faces make me want to punch people. Alas, going around punching out the stupid docs who are supposed to give me pain drugs is likely not a good idea.

osteopathosaurus said...

First and foremost, this made me laugh so hard that I'm counting it as my workout for the day. In fact, since it's 12:43 AM, I'm calling it my workout for yesterday too.

You should get grant money for this. It's a friggin public service. I just spent the last week of med school learning everything about diarrhea. This alone made up for the complete lack of funny in that week. Surely there is a ginormous government grant available for maintaining the sanity of medical students.

I totally feel you and Boyfriend with the Craisins. One time I thought I had colon cancer but really I had just eaten way too much red velvet cake in a short period of time. So I like to think it's a common error.

I love asking patients to rate their pain on a scale from 1 to 10; the looks they give me are ALMOST as good as the ones I get when I ask "how would you describe your pain"? (The number one response to that: "It hurts.") But this is important stuff for doctors to find out. Even though it's pretty freaking lame. I have always felt the need to be a smart ass and respond with "ummm, 5.2 maybe?" Take that pain scale. That's probably why karma always sticks me with the "it hurts" patients.

Darcy B said...

Haha, I'm in medical school right now, and the pain scale is one of the things we're taught to ask in taking a history of present illness. I got to that part of my practical exam yesterday and cracked up laughing in the middle of the exam room. Other students probably thought I was nuts, this pain scale is awesome :)

Marky said...

Sooo good, I coined a new acronym just for you: ROFLACUB ( Rolling on Floor Laughing And Coughing Up Blood) :)

Nil Zed said...

it's not just that there is a disconnect between the faces and the words on the original chart. I mean, if the doctor is showing me this, I'm obviously already in the doctor's office. I'm not going in for a pain I can smile through. I regularly suffer headaches I'd rank a 10 on their scale. Pain elsewhere doesn't really bother me, I'm not likely to seek medical attention until it's a 5 or so on their scale.

If I'm in the emergency room, it must already be worse than a 5 and/or fluids are escaping somehow. Anything less and I would have waited until the McHMO could make an appointment next Tuesday during regular office hours. So give me tests/drugs and a bed upstairs, STAT!

Kim said...

This is SO going to work with me! : D

Candice said...

I was in a bad car accident last summer, and when you're in ICU they ask you every six hours what your pain level is. My Boyfriend linked me to this, since this is pretty much what my mental chart was.

Definitely printing this out for my doctors now. Super hilarious.

attack_laurel said...

*cries laughing*

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes - I think I need to print this out and take it to my doctor.

BBmG said...

I am printing out this pain chart and taping it to the white board in my EMT class. <3

Sesquepadalia said...

OMG that is brilliant. I cried with laughter for about 5 minutes straight! You genuinely brightened my day - thankyou so much! I am so printing it out and giving it to my SO - currently a junior doctor who agrees that the current pain chart sucks.

Peace,

AJ
:)

vanover521 said...

yeah, my sister just sent this to me. and i just passed it along to my fiance. hilarious. thanks for the NEW rating system. it's MUCH better.

Mr. said...

What? Create an arousal AND a depression chart? Why waste the time when one chart pull double duty on that front?

Don't judge me...my neuroses are a model of efficiency.

Jennifer said...

This F'n rocks. I am laughing AND crying at the same time. Can we get a face for that? Love this!

Indigo said...

You need to patent this shit - I'm totally printing it out and taking it to my specialist appointments. And kicking myself for not thinking of drawing something similar sooner. I'm actually cracking up despite cramps that rate a 6 or so. You rock.

Tonina said...

I just happened to stumble across this post today and I'm laughing so hard I'm at least at Level Six on your improved pain chart. Level Seven is definitely my favorite. I'll have to be sure to show this to the people at my local pain clinic!

Anonymous said...

75% of all doctors and 100% of all nurses to whom this pain chart was shown laughed until either tears or a little bit of pee came out.

Congratulations.

Anonymous said...

old RN said... There is nothing more fun than having some smart ass M.D. as a patient and pulling out the good ole pain chart to help them describe thier pain. Makes the shift go lots faster....espcially if he happens to be a short nuerologist....

Walrus said...

This should be in every doctors office, it would have been useful yesterday with my brother after getting knocked off his bike...without context he started treating the question like "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Try and guess!"

Heather Purcell Mackley said...

OMG! I got to # 7 and started falling off my chair, whilst stamping my feet and laughing so hard that my son kept telling me to breath, just breath. I just found you via your Alots and I love you, I really, really love you.