Robot

So I just remembered that I have to go to the dentist again today and suffer through the judging all over again -- only it's going to be worse this time because I didn't even brush my teeth yesterday.  Last time I went to the dentist, I brushed my teeth like, five times the day before and the dentist was still all up in her tower about my "intermittent flossing" and my "bleeding gums."  Guess what, dentist?  If someone poked you in the mouth with a metal spike, you would bleed too!


But somehow she thinks it's my fault that I'm bleeding.

I'm pretty sure she's a robot.  That's why she has such a hard time understanding the relationship between stabbing and bleeding.


This also means that I am probably not going to survive.  Most robots are malicious and vengeful, and my filthy teeth will only serve to aggravate the dentist further, so I really don't see how I have a chance.   The only thing I can really think of is to wait until exactly the right moment and then throw water on the dentist, possibly causing it to short-circuit.  


Now I just have to find a way to conceal the water so that the dentist does not become suspicious.  

54 comments:

Mary said...

Maybe you can just use the sprayer thingy? Just make sure you get the sprayer and not the suction, that would probably backfire.

Intermittent flossing...yeah I don't floss at all. They always get upset about that.

Kurt said...

Just load up on water from the fountain and when she says "Open up." Spit it on her. Use a dramatic hand gesture to. Like "ha-HA!" That'll teach that filthy robot what's what.

terryn said...

You're my favorite.

Duncan said...

I bet that's why they step out of the room when they do the x-rays!!

Dentist-Robt myth EXPOSED!!!

Diane said...

The hygienist totally punishes me for not flossing enough by flossing my teeth EXTRA HARD. It's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me, and I went through middle school with Charles Nelson Reilly-esque eyeglasses.

Hipstercrite said...

don't worry, i had sixteen cavities last year. and i did brush my teeth every day. :( i think i must spew acid into my mouth every night while i'm asleep.

Sarah P said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah ... dentist, cruelty, blood ... blah, blah, blah.

Make with the ordering of the penis.

(But, seriously, good luck with the dentist. I have to go back next month - please don't post a scary story.)

Heidi said...

you can use those little dixie cups they give you and the water from that weird spitting fountain. then it won't seem at all suspicious.

Nikole said...

You should just bring a taser with you. Volts of electricity can't be good for the circuits and it will probably work faster and do more damage.

P.S. Did you see the Super Bowl commercial yesterday where a guy used a Dorito as a ninja star? It was AWESOME.

Joe Cap said...

Take it from someone who knows...
take care of the teeth at all costs!

Simone Says... said...

i want a power braid!

Amanda said...

Dentists are very scary and once they get you into their clutches, they never let you forget an appointment. Or cancel. It's very robot like, so I think you're onto something.

Ben said...

I left the dentist with blood stains on my jeans once and not in the "God? It's me, Margaret" kind of way but rather in the "God? PLEASE MAKE HER STOP ASSAULTING MY ORIFICES" way.

A Real Housewife said...

i heart the dentist.....clearly i'm a freak. good luck!

shana said...

My favorite part of a cleaning is when they ask you a question and expect you to answer while they have their hands in your mouth. How am I supposed to do that? Sorry you are having a horrible dental day.

Joe Hill said...

you should use one of the those things that people put in their pants and use to pass drug tests except you can just put water in it instead of a 6 year old's non-drug affiliated piss.

Stormy Cruz said...

Dude, it's IMPOSSIBLE to please dentists with your oral hygiene skills. Seriously. I floss my jibs every freaking night. Swear. And the last time I went, when she asked about my flossing habits, I told her as much. She didn't believe me. The bitch thought I was lying!
The truth is, I'd recently discovered curry powder and I'd been putting it on almost everything I ate. Despite my best flossing efforts, the shit was staining my teeth!
Did she believe me? No. The bitch gave me a FLOSSING LESSON.
I shit you not. True story.

Julia said...

you don't need to conceal the water. THEY give YOU the water... in that little "rinse out and spit" sink with the little paper cup that fills with water!

Next time she asks you to "rinse" you take that to mean "attack!"

She's never know what hit her...

Willy said...

if your dentist short circuits, i nominate you for a Nobel.

Christina In Wonderland said...

I haven't been to the dentist in eleven years. I'm pretty sure they're part of some big super conspiracy to turn us all into Stepfordites...

*shudders* Creepy...

Little Miss English Teacher said...

I always seem to spittle water out when they try to do the suction thing on me. So, you can totally use that idea and get her REAL good. Not only will it short circuit her ... but you'll drown her in pink-ish tinged water from all the blood she's caused you!

maggly1234 said...

The dentist is one of those people who scares you really bad, and you don't like them at all, but you HAVE to go. The only thing that could possibly make them more scary is if they were holding a shotgun and wearing a clown suit and instead of face paint they're like: "I'M GOING TO USE YOUR BLOOD! AND pull out all of your teeth because you don't floss every day!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!" That's how I see it at least.

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Yeah, what the hell is up with them blaming us for the bleeding? My oral hygienist -- that's what they call themselves when they are not full dentists, though I don't see what the difference is -- tells me I need to floss more, too.

Good luck, Allie. I still need to reschedule a filling appointment.

Nikole said...

I think Anonymous is suggesting that you grow a giant penis and cockslap your dentist with it.

Tony said...

Oh, I just got back from one of those stupid robots not too long ago. My mouth is numb and it hurts like a son of a bitch. It's like a mixture of the feeling you get when your foot's asleep, and a charlie horse all at once. I also can't talk. Bastard robot...

Elly Lou said...

Smuggle in the water inside your bladder. She'll never look there.

Jaffa said...

I received a card just yesterday. It says 'Your periodical dental check-up is now due.'

Bleeeeeeuuuurrrghh.

I have never flossed in my life. However, apparently my countrymen have a reputation for having terrible teeth, so I'm just conforming to expectations.

Wendybob said...

strange, but i kept finding myself trying to look up your stick-girl skirt in the dentist's chair.

Ed Adams said...

Your cartoon caricature is always wearing the same pink dress.

I hope you're washing it.

JustLinda said...

Did you see Jeffrey, the robot on the Intel commercial that played at the end of that important football game yesterday?

He wasn't an evil robot at all. He was a cute and helpful robot who got his feelings hurt. I almost cried, true story.

Maybe Jeffrey could be your new dentist. Just don't fail to LOVE him, OK? Jeffrey needs love. <3

ShineForLife said...

I suppose you could transform into a cyborg-blogger so that you have a better chance of matching your dentist. Good luck.

Hippo Brigade said...

and if the blood that drips from your gums isn't bad enough, that scatchy-scratchy-scrapy sound that the metal thing makes scratching off your teeth-gunk makes me want to throw my eyeballs into a fire.

Cheryl said...

Dentists are all possessed.
Everyone knows that.

Barbara said...

I HATE going to the dentist. They always tell me that I need to floss more too. And the taste of that toothpaste they use is god awful. You would think by now they would have come up with something that tastes slightly better.

qandlequeen said...

You soak robot dentist instead of spitting. Just perfect your aim so you need to start spitting NOW.

DO NOT make the mistake of trying to spit when they have that little vacuum thing in your mouth or robot bitch will shove it up your nose and BAM you've just had a lobotomy!

Good luck. Please don't die.

juskaulani said...

I go to a little kids dentist although I'm almost 18. Problems solved. They already know I'm a baby. They're required to be nice. lol. (;

Good luck!

AMBELLINA said...

At least you get to go to the dentist. I haven't been in so long (three tooth-enamel-sucking children later) that my dentist would think I'm a crack head.

Matthew J Bevis said...

You don't need water. Just spit on her. I dare you.

I'll send you a further $5 if you spit on her.

I AM NOT KIDDING ABOUT EITHER $5 I HAVE PLEDGED TO YOU, BY THE WAY.

Prove that you did it by leaving your phone recording at least the audio of each encounter (yoga/penis and spitting/robot), and I will send you $10. I WILL EVEN MAKE IT AMERICAN MONEY, MEANING THAT I AM PREPARED TO PAY THE EXTRA AMOUNT TO COVERT THE CURRENCY AND ALSO PAY THE CONVERSION FEE. ($10 US will cost about $15 Australian, so I'm really making some intense sacrifices, here.)

That's how committed I am to you making a nuisance of yourself. Now get busy.

Matthew J Bevis said...

"Dance for us, Monkey-Girl! ..."

Coopie said...

I felt all super shady and like an inferior sub-species of human...until Christina in Wonderland commented. And then I knew that there were OTHERS out there!

I, too, have not been to a dentist in 11 years. :-S and I know i need to go...i even have insurance to pay for it....but i am scared SHITLESS!

I can only imagine the things they'll have to say about my mouth. *buries face in hands and cries*

dogimo said...

I love it!

The dialogue is SURREAL,

Anonymous said...

Weird, I just had the exact same experience yesterday at the dentist. The poking of my gums, not the robot thing. I don't have x-ray vision.

Saadi said...

U make the most awesomest comics ever!!

Claire said...

I dont even have anything to say to your post after reading these comments, holy shit.
Now I'm terrified to go to the dentist too!!!
Because if I move I might get a lobotomy...what if you had a sneeze or something?? AAHH!!

Salt said...

I am never going to be able to look at people with power braids the same way again.

Kara said...

I have this weird thing that's like a tiny tooth, but not really (it's a fragmentary tooth remnant), and it has roots and stuff. But the dental hygienist seems to love poking at it with the pick thing. Every time she does, my right leg flys up in some sort of auto-reflex. It's not awesome. I feel your pain and hatred of the dentist.

Amy said...

The dentist is my biggest fear. I'm terrified. I had a root canal in June and was practically catatonic. I have yet to get the crown done for similar reasons. Oh and the money... that, too.

Touchy610 said...

Dude, you are like my mental doppelganger. Which is funny, to me anyway, because I look like the complete opposite of you. Except for the fact that I'm female. I've been reading every blog you have from the beginning for like the past two days, since I discovered this blog, and it's been keeping me entertained, 'cause I'm not allowed to do anything for like the next month except eat Hot Pockets and pop different pills. If I could join and follow you, I would, but it won't LET me join for some reason, because every site is retarded and apparently nobody accepts Opera as THE browser to uae. I'm still trying to fix this somehow. I will figure out a way.

Anyways, yeah. Just wanted to say that you're awesome. ^.^

lintilla said...

My aunt is a dentist. She's human! I'm pretty sure. Unless robots have mastered the art of having babies and lactating.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Dentists are idiots. I floss like ALL THE TIME (or more than once a week -- samesies) and my dentist makes me feel all kinds of shame, and my husband NEVER flosses and the dentist is like, "Oh, what lovely teeth and gums you have!"

Now that I really think about it ... my husband is clearly banging the dentist. Christ on a cracker. Now I have to confront him. Thanks for bringing this all the my attention, Allie.

Tall Girl said...

YES! Dentists do JUDGE and make you feel horrible...do you think that is a special class they take in dental school? Scorn and Humiliation 101!

The Randomist said...

I'm pretty sure that I'm semi in love with you at this point. I'm also nearly certain that I would like to brain rape you, if only for a moment.

Now, I don't have any extra appendages, or "dangly bits" as I prefer to call them, so this isn't physically possibly. Let's just go with this as more of a figurative and less of a literal. It saves some damage to the psyche that is caused by the horrifying yet somewhat intriguing mental images that it creates.

Krista said...

The last time I went to the dentist, I started saying all this random crap and the dentist got just a little scared of me. Scared is good. They don't judge you on your flossing frequency then.

Amanda West said...

I'm glad I'm not a dentist.