Wolves

Benny came to the birthday party because his mom had volunteered him to help supervise the children. He must have felt out of place being the lone teenage boy amidst a flock of over-excited six-year-old girls, but we welcomed his presence. We saw him as a sort of prop that we could manipulate in our imaginary games - a living, breathing human that would submit to pretending to be whatever we wanted it to pretend to be. On that particular day, we wanted to play a game called "wolf pack" which we had invented after watching a documentary about the hunting tactics of wolves.

We swarmed Benny as he was preparing to pour himself a glass of apple juice.


As a 13-year-old boy, Benny probably did not relish the idea of wasting an entire day entertaining us. But he was a good-natured young man, and he had agreed to help keep us out of trouble, so he reluctantly asked us what we wanted to play.

Us:  "Wolf pack!" 

Benny: "How do you play 'wolf pack'?" 

Us: "We're the wolves and you're the deer. We close our eyes and count to twenty and you run away. Then we try to find you and catch you!"

Benny:  "Okay. Where do you want to play?" 

Us:  "In the forest!" 

Benny followed us outside and we led him deep into the vast expanse of backwoods wilderness that was to be our playing field.  We reached a small clearing and decided to start the game there.  We yelled at Benny, "Now run away!"  

And we began to count.  

Benny scurried off into the forest, calling out behind himself to help make the game easier for us.  He thought we would have trouble finding and catching him.  


What Benny did not know was that we were incredibly serious about the realistic aspects of "wolf pack."  In our wildly vivid imaginations, we were actually wolves and Benny was actually a deer. 


We found him almost immediately.   


Benny probably would have tried harder if he knew that losing the game involved so much biting.  But he did not expect that the game would be so true to life. I'm sure it was quite painful for him, but that was a necessary casualty for the game to feel convincing and fun.  

Benny fought bravely, but there were too many of us and he was handicapped by his reluctance to punch and kick a bunch of six-year-olds. We wrestled him to the ground and bit him repeatedly until we were satisfied that we had "killed" him.


At that point, Benny had two options: he could stand there and try to reason with us until we finished counting and mauled him again, or he could flee and try to find his way back to the safety of the house before we caught him. 

Benny chose fleeing.  

But it was starting to get dark and the woods were unfamiliar to Benny.  There were labyrinths of footprints, left behind from our previous forest adventures, providing a confusing web of false trails.  He desperately clawed his way through the underbrush in a random direction that he hoped was the right one, but he only had twenty seconds and things weren't looking good for him.  We finished counting and took off after him. 


Benny was faster than us, but we greatly outnumbered him and we were able to strategically "herd" him into a clearing where we surrounded him and went in for the kill.  


Benny had severely underestimated our hunting and maiming capabilities.  We were not like ordinary little girls who frittered away their time hosting tea parties and pretending to be princesses.  We had spent countless hours out in the forest, sharpening our hunting tactics on imaginary prey and we finally had an opportunity to put all of our practice to use on a real thing that would run away from us and struggle for survival.  Unfortunately for Benny, we had not yet developed the ability to empathize with the pain and suffering of other people, and his terrified fleeing was pretty much the most fun thing that had ever happened to us. 

Once again, we let him stand up after we were satisfied that we had bitten him enough times.  


It became clear to Benny that he was going to have to play the game over and over and over until he could find his way back to the house.  He had to make the most of the 20 seconds we gave him to flee and try to make as much progress as possible in between maulings.  

We were exhausted from all of the chasing, but we weren't ready to stop playing, so we began to rely much more heavily on stealth. We stalked Benny through the darkening woods, waiting for him to make himself vulnerable to attack.


The psychological torment of waiting to be attacked was almost worse than the attacks themselves.  We darted around in the shadows, snapping twigs and making strange growling noises.  We sounded like tiny chainsaws.  

We would have continued to torture Benny for hours, possibly even days, but our parents called us home for birthday cake.


We cared about cake more than we cared about Benny, so we abandoned him in the woods and ran back to the house. Benny heard us being called, but he couldn't see where we went from his hiding spot. He tried to follow our shrieking voices, but just ended up getting turned around.

At first, no one noticed that we had arrived back at the house without Benny, but the topic did eventually come up.

My mom: "Where's Benny?"

Us: "Outside." 

My mom: "Doesn't he want some cake?"

Us: "No." 

My mom: "He should at least come inside and get warm..." 

Us: "He's fine." 

We didn't actually know if Benny was okay, but we wanted cake and talking about Benny wasn't bringing us any closer to that goal. 

 Eventually, the adults went looking for him. They tromped into the woods with flashlights, yelling "BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!" They were startled to hear loud crashing and branches snapping behind them, but it turned out to be Benny. He stumbled into the pool of light cast by the flashlight.


Benny's mom:  "Benny, what are you doing?" 

Benny: "Where are they?" 

My mom:  "The girls?  They came back an hour ago, are you still out here looking for them?" 

Benny: "No." 

Benny's Mom: ".... Well, you should really come up to the house, sweetie. It's cold out here."  

And so Benny got to come back to the house. When he walked through the door, we ran over to him and hugged his legs. "Bennybennybennybenny!" we shrieked. Bennybennybennybennybennybenny! We brought him a huge piece of cake on the most special plate we could find, and we watched him eat it to make sure he was enjoying it.


When he finally had to go home, we cried out after him, "Benny, are you coming back?  When are you coming back to play with us?"  Benny's mom remarked about how cute it was that we loved him so much, "isn't that just adorable, Benny? They really seem to like you!"  She assured us that Benny would come back to play with us soon.  

1,167 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Are those black heads or his pseudo moustache?

Jared said...

AH! Scary >_<! Whatever happened to poor old benny!? (Btw, long time reader, first time commenter)

Unknown said...

Am i allowed to play that even though im not 7?

Anonymous said...

XD That poor boy!
;w; As much as I love children, if a 'pack' of them started chasing and biting me....I would probably end up punching them in their little faces...(and this is why I avoid playing games with children)

Anonymous said...

@ simple man - I like cake, too, but I prefer biting. :))

Unknown said...

You're amazing Allie.

Let's have a marriage.

Nikishka said...

Cake is to six-year-olds what brains are to zombies. Lucky Benny.

Anonymous said...

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. There are tears streaming from my eyes!!! Hilarious!!!

y said...

Holy shit. Y'all were watching him eat his cake EXACTLY like you were thinking "Thaaaat's right, little deer; fatten up. We want you NICE and plump! Mmmmmmm, venison!" Poor Bennie. Bet he's a vegetarian now.

Anonymous said...

Love the way you draw the pack of little girls in all their forms: cute, wolf-hybrid, cake-obsessed....
Thank you for posting another awesome comic/story. It was well worth the wait!

Andrea
Seattle

Alice said...

I just snorted coffee out of my nose!! So funny! I should have known better...

Lakitalover said...

OMG! That is so frickin' hilarious!! You were such an awesomely crazy kid. Poor Benny. Was he ever forced to come back and play with you?

Christian said...

This reminds me of how my brother and I used to torment our baby-sitters. :D

Fun times (for us...)

Jess said...

I absolutely loved this! My friends and I call ourselves the Wolf Pack, and there's seven of us. Your pictures made me crack up because we're all there!

Thanks for another great post!!

Kathleen said...

AH A NEW POST.
I've read through your entire blog in the last couple weeks.
I love this. My siblings and I used to bite each other a lot when we were younger so I can understand this. (:
In fact, we still bite each other every once in a while...
EVERY FAMILY HAS ITS QUIRKS. (:

Carrie said...

....You and your friends were really fucking scary as children.

But ever so awesome.

<3

Another awesome story soon, yes? I'm always excited when you post something new.

Tiger Bailey said...

I like to think that, in doing this, you contributed to a pathological fear of wolves inside Benny...Years later he'll be out camping in the wilderness with a girl, and he'll hear a lone wolf howling...

He'll shudder, and his girlfriend will ask what's wrong - but no matter what she says, all he'll hear is a terrifying countdown.

He'll know what he has to do.

He'll run run run, all the way home...

Truly, young girls are the bringers of mind-doom...

Serena said...

Love! Your cartoon faces, especially the eyes, look like squashed panda faces!! See?

http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/b/0/0/45/6/AAAACxUdUt8AAAAAAEVnDw.jpg?v=1240457606000

:D

Unknown said...

This is how we used to play on the playground, but we were velociraptors.

Leigh B said...

Hey Allie, when you were little did you want to grow up to be a wolf, because I did =]

Leigh B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Least funny hyperbole ever, sorry. Random cruelty isn't funny.

demoncat said...

Poor Benny he was such a good sport only to learn the three year old girls possessed a mean streak. and bet he was not thrilled to learn he would have to go back and play again with the girls soon.

Elizabeth said...

OH MY GOD THIS BROUGHT BACK SO MANY MEMORIES. I used to play this with my cousins. We would go out hiking with my father and run away from him and play "Wolf pack" except I think we just called it "wolves." I got to be alpha wolf because I was the oldest and it was EXACTLY like this. Three little girls, all under the age of ten, running through the woods in search of imaginary "deer." We also had two enormous German Shepherds with us (so we wouldn't get mauled by a bear, supposedly, but nothing can prevent a bear attack, as I now know thanks to you) who were as keen to kill imaginary things as we were. We took it really far too. We got in trouble for drinking from the stream. But we never got anyone to be the deer. No one was foolish enough. :C
Damn, my childhood was fun. I'm just sad that my siblings can't do the same thing, because there are child rapers in out backyard forest now. Or at least my mother thinks there are. Like, between every tree. The youngins will never know the joy of "wolf pack", sad to say.

candleashes said...

I saw it coming, can't believe he didn't

Anonymous said...

You made it onto Fark.com with this post. Don't know if you've ever been on there before, but it probably is a good thing for your exposure. Congrats. =)

Red Rover said...

This reminds me of the time our babysitter's brother subbed for her because she was going to be late. He had no idea what he was in for...I often wonder if he regretted his decision to bring a pack of smokes into our house.

Sam said...

Ah I remember doing something like this to my family at that age! I would maul them and they would yell....good times. Until mother bit me back.

c0mmunic said...

b e n n y...... b e n n y ......

C said...

If harming small animals when you're a child is a sign of a sociopath, then I wonder what pretending to be an animal and harming a human means.....

Well I guess it means you will grow up to write glorious and hilarious blogs! Thanks for being excellent,Allie!

Anonymous said...

I was feeling really down and this just made me a lot (alot) happier! I sound like a dirty pirate with an alot pet. Anyway, thank you!

Anonymous said...

as a literature nerd, this immediately brought to mind an excellent collection of short stories by karen russell - it's titled "st. lucy's home for girls raised by wolves" and the story that shares the same title is just as creepy and amazing as this comic. however, the fact that i have a 3 year old who is obsessed with dinosaurs alerts me to the fact that she'll probably play "maim and chew the herbivore" with her friends in the not so distant future. thanks for that.

coolpowers said...

Excellent stuff, you really brought your A game (what does that actually mean? Does anyone really know, or do they just parrot it like I'm doing?) with the artwork this time.

When's the book coming out? I mean, I assume you have a deal by now.

Cassi said...

This reminds me of similar story when I around 6 years old. We had been playing in the neighborhood and had been playing cops and robbers. But this involved us creating such a ruckus that neighbors complained. There was a park about a block away from our house that bordered along a river and some woods. One mother's idea of getting a bunch of rowdy 5 and 6 years olds from running around through neighbors' yards was to send the 15 year old brother of one my friends with us over to the park to run off energy. Back by sunset was the rule. I don't remember who came up with it, but someone decided to play "Kill Bambi" with my friends older brother being the prey (Bambi) who would be taken down by a pack of wolves. We were going to kill Bambi. I don't remember many details, but I do remember him laughing and trying to convince us that Bambi never died to a bunch of wolves. This was the "sequel" to Bambi. We were writing it. We were acting it out. He was Bambi and there was no getting out of it. While he was laughing then, he certainly wasn't laughing by the time we had to go home and was nursing several wounds.

Thinking back on it, I know he didn't take much enjoyment supervising a bunch of little little kids, but we were in his charge at the time. Several times we played the game of hunting him down, trying to find him in the woods and "killing" him. We jumped on him, bit him and did God knows what else. He was battered bruised and probably a bit traumatized by being ganged up on by 8 midget terrorists.

We thought this guy was the coolest playmate EVER and the neighbors were always commenting about how sweet it was that he was so good with the neighborhood children. When we would get together to play after that, he always seemed to disappear when there was talk of sending us over to the park.

Never knew what happened to him since I have long since moved away. You often wonder how the mentally deranged and mass murderers come into being. I wonder if somewhere in their young lives that an unrelenting pack of 6 year olds aren't to blame.

Tyler said...

Beautifully drawn wolves. A+.

Anonymous said...

I betcha Benny has PTSD. He sits in a darkened room, all hours of the day and night, and cringes every time he thinks he hears a six year old girl imitating a wolf (with startling accuracy...)

Allie, your blog cracks me up.

Anonymous said...

Oh my - I BET you never saw BennyBennyBenny again ... poor kid!
LOL!

thecavewoman said...

Hey Allie, I just read every single post on your blog and it is sure nice to know that there are people like me in the world. Obviously you are more awesome, but I too have no job and am medicated and sit up until 5am every night staring at the computer and find it difficult to clean up or go to the store or fill out paperwork or DO MY TAXES OH GOD NO or stay in school or go to social events. Okay I might be more crazy than you but anyhow I think you are mad awesome and thank you for be alive and drawing and writing and filming an attack raptorgoose. I was laughing so hard my Boyfriend said, quote "I thought you were going to shit yourself."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
me

ps you are fuckin adorable. there's a new stalker in town! just kidding, I am Canadian and we don't do such things, eh.

Not Fucking Funny said...

I wonder if calling out CAAAAAAKE would get children to get into the house quickly even if there was no cake. If I were a mom I would do that for months just because WHAT CHILD IS GOING TO RISK BEING LATE FOR CAKE? Not a damn one.

none said...

"We were not like ordinary little girls who frittered away their time hosting tea parties and pretending to be princesses. We had spent countless hours out in the forest, sharpening our hunting tactics on imaginary prey and we finally had an opportunity to put all of our practice to use on a real thing that would run away from us and struggle for survival. "

Brilliant.

Satan said...

i'm sure the poor kid learned early: girls really aren't to be fucked with. we're ruthless, yo.

Jacqueline said...

Omg yessssss

Reminds me of when I was 8 and I somehow got a friend of mine to play "Find Your Way Through All of My Mom's 70 Rosebushes With A Blindfold" (I played with her, I didn't just watch her suffer) ... I feel better now that I wasn't the only child playing oddly bloody games!

who wouda thunk it?? said...

need a wolf-girls T shirt, definitely, NEED ONE! GGRRRRR

Anonymous said...

****************
SICK!

This story is exactly why women deserve to be gang raped by men.

Hopefully the author was sexually abused as a little girl - she clearly deserved it.

****************

Kayla Mendoza said...

ROFL! I really love this blog! I think I have read every post of Allie (",)

Anonymous said...

This is my favorite post of yours yet. I'd love to have a wolf pack like this!

Anonymous said...

I bet you fart rainbows.

Yeah, you heard me. Rainbows.

Right out of your ass.

Anonymous said...

I totally just woke up hubby at 4:30 am laughing. Allie I love you <3 Your stories always make me die of laughter, but it's OK because I'm awesome and come back to life like a zombie.
Though I feel bad for Benny, He was probably so traumatized he decided to never have children in fear they would maul him. Good job! :)

Hans said...

So whose party was it, Benny's?
Hahah.. I bet even until now, Benny wouldn't dare come so close to you. for all the trauma.. :D

Unknown said...

Thanks for keeping us entertained, Allie! You're so talented! :)

V said...

hahahahaha, omg...poor 13yr old benny, he learned early that women can be ferocious. hilarious darling allie, absolutely hilarious.

Unknown said...

Poor Benny looks so traumatized. This would be an awesome horror movie.

Anonymous said...

imagine if it was a pack of 6 yr old boys and a girl babysitter ...

Jaimie Krycho said...

Truly, that is scarier than The Hunger Games.

My siblings and I used to play "Release the Prisoner." This consisted of us tying a jumprope to my brother's ankle. My sister held the rope and restrained my brother as he jumped, velociraptor style, toward helpless prey in order to take them down. My job was to stand at the door and shout "Release the prisoner!" Then, we'd let my brother out. Of course, we needed a prisoner, so when my sister's best friend came over...

...she ended up looking quite a bit like the traumatized, maimed Benny in your pictures.

Unknown said...

That was disturbing. Hilarious and disturbing. Thanks! I'm going to share it on facebook.

Mia said...

I think this post is best appreciated by former wolves or former Bennies... I love it very much because I was a wolf. ;)

Unknown said...

So I am a Daisy Girl Scout Troop leader. We had a meeting yesterday. I couldn't sleep last night, and stumbled across this blog on Fark (all hail the mighty Fark). Read this post, all the while picturing my group of 5-7 year olds as the bloodthirsty girls from this story. BEST. POST. EVAR!!!!!

Unknown said...

I wonder how stupid I look skaking with laughter in my cube...

Anonymous said...

I absolutely adore your dog/wolf postures.

Fuzzydragon said...

Now that I've wiped the tears of laughter out of my eyes and I can see to type, let me just say how much I LOVE your work...absolutely hilarious! I'm trying to work my way through all your posts, but my cardiologist warned me to limit myself to just a couple a day if I want to make it to 2012.

Anonymous said...

Children are psychotic.
Why are children so psychotic??

The bad part is, I actually remember doing similar things as a child...

Hungarican Chick said...

This blog is seriously the most brilliant blog ever. Your wolfies are so cute too. Teehee.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA! --> http://bit.ly/anlqW6

Anonymous said...

Also, THIS is very very funny!!

Book Geek (AKA ChibiNeko) said...

LOL- I remember playing games like this when I was younger.

Anonymous said...

This needs to be a movie or an episode of Castle.

I would relish the ending.

Sheila Louise said...

I think I have a bit of a crush on you. You're frikken awesome!!!
I LURVE reading your posts. They CRACK ME UP!!!
Thanks for the chortle :)
Sheila

Anonymous said...

FUCK children are terrifying. I can handle pretty much any kind of gore or supernatural creepiness but children get me every damn time.

Never having kids.

Anonymous said...

LOL... Benny's such a wuss... deep woods, deep snow... large sticks. the bodies would remain hidden until spring thaw at least (barring the dog finding a few...so kill the dog too)... I'm sure I could make my way to a non-extradition treaty country by then.

Anonymous said...

Nobody is as good at the Internet as you.

Anonymous said...

I read this four consecutive times at work. My boss asked why I was laughing so hard - I was unable to answer.
Last night I told my grandma this story, complete with the best quotes I could remember. She laughed too. I think it's because she could so easily imagine me and my sibs doing this sort of thing....hehehehe

K- said...

OMG. I think I laugh peed myself.

Cheesewench said...

Awesome post! Nothing is more terrifying than a group of little girls!

Chickie said...

Your blog pretty much makes my life. Poor Benny! So unsuspecting...

Raven said...

This reminds me of the way my daughter and her cousin (same age) would play with my youngest male cousin (about ten years older than them). They'd stalk him and plot through the house. No biting, though; they were inside, so we'd have heard his screams.

sacredcowtipper said...

I can always count on this blog for a good laugh. Reading a new post makes me so happy! :D :D :D

megstamac said...

So excited for the new one post! I came across your blog a few weeks ago and decided reading your blog was way more important than any work I had to do at the office. When I finally was caught up I was so depressed, I needed more! If I were one are two stages higher in the creepy scale I would stalk you. Thanks for the laughs, keep em coming!

David McGeath said...

...and that's the story of why Benny is gay. =P

zencycle said...

You are a very scary and sick person.

zencycle said...

You are a very scary and sick person.

Volendral said...

I love your blog Allie, this stuff has become pure crack-cocaine for me. Now that I have read from the beginning to the end, my supply is limited, and that makes me sad. Can't wait to read more.

Some Guy said...

There's nothing on Earth stronger than the power of a six-year-old's imagination . . . except maybe for her teeth.

Sharon Jackson said...

This is a cross between a Grade I version of Alien Hunters and Lord of the Flies. I am dying to know what happened to the poor, poor boy.

I LOVED the suspense of the snow scenes. Take no criticism!!

Lizzie said...

I wonder if Benny has children of his own...

Joyangel! said...

Hey! I'm stuck at homw being ill(which sucks) so I've missed my Karate class(which sucks) so I'm spending my evening wathcing half arsed political satire that's all like *meh! Do I have to:(* and I've watched 3 hours worth of this shit now, and ALL of it has had Jimmy Carr in AND HE IS DOING MY HEAD IN!!!!!
*and now calmer* I'm sorry. I just had to tell somone. I CREATED A GOOGLEMAIL ACCOUNT. JUST to tell somone that I'm pissed of with Jimmy Carr. Which makes me realise quite how sad my small blip of a shell of an existance actually is.
But when I'm ill, there really isn't much else I can do with myself, because I loose all common sense when I'm ill. My brain just goes- right, you're a bit poorly. Bye. Which sucks 'cos then whenever I standup I go "Ooooooh! I know what's a good idea! I should lick that mirror over there! And then climb that tree! And then jump out of it! And then eat a toad!" That kind of shit.
And here I am, acting like somebody is actually going to read this shit. In fact, I actually looked for a post without too many comments on it so that there was a bigger chance somebody might actually read this. Which just cements my sadness level. You know what's good. Brachiosauruses! And Russell Howard! And Alli Brosh! :*) She's the greatest of them all.
And now to anybody who reads this freaky crap- I TRULY, TRULY salute you! o7 <---- That guy's saluting you lovely, lovely people!
Thank you for putting up with the shit that my fucked up poorly brain has thrown at my mouth!
P.S: Allie! Here is a special salute just for you
P.P.S: In what way does watching Jimmy Carr arguing with a deluded scientist with crap hair count as watching comedy!!???

Brad said...

OMG, that is *SO* creepy...

Unknown said...

you were an incredibly creepy 6 year old. with some equally creepy friends.

Rebecca said...

FREAKING TERRIFYING.
and delicious!
XD

Unknown said...

Love it. The drawings of wolves are particularly impressive.

...

Cake.

Em said...

OMG, you just made my day! :-D

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha!
I love your wolf drawings!!

Cody Mitchell said...

Poor, poor Benny. I like to think that somewhere, right now, he is having an argument with his wife about why he doesn't want to have children. Way to go, Allie...

Unknown said...

I tried commenting like 300 comments back but either you rejected me (if so, I will jump off my job's building) or something fucked up. But um..I adore you, you're the most hilarious person I "know" who has the same sense of humor I do, and I daily stalk your blog hoping to see a new post. I would be HONORED if you would stalk me....pleeeeeeease??? xoxoxo

Tina said...

Love your site/comics/writing - You crack me up! MORE MORE! :)

Anonymous said...

Great post, man. Thanks for following my blog. Definitely be following yours. Keep up the good work.

John Smith said...

Great post, man. Thanks for following my blog. Definitely be following yours. Keep up the good work.

pyr8kat said...

What doesn't kill you...
Makes you stronger...

Anonymous said...

YOUR WOLVES ARE AWESOME x a million!
<33

Anonymous said...

Oh look, another story about how Allie was an evil little child who did cruel things and could only be stopped by cake. Yes, we get it, you did bad things when you were little and got away with it. Good for you, here's your cake.

Why not post more about your life now? Your dogs moving story was delightful, but you seem to be running out of ideas.

Rustown Mom said...

I'm almost positive this story is an allegory of sorts...too busy cackling to myself at my computer to figure it out. Aren't little girls just wonderful!

not Benny said...

And people wonder why I dislike and distrust small children, girls in particular.

And no, my name is not Benny.

flavadave said...

My friends and I used to play similar games. It was certainly a good way to keep in shape cause if you were the one being chased, you definitely wanted to be faster than everyone else. We would occasionally try to climb trees to get away. We quickly learned that this was a bad idea for 2 reasons 1) you have nowhere to go once you get up there 2) south Georgia pine trees are very brittle and don't hold your weight very well, thus the scar I had on my belly for 15 years.

D said...

1) which wolf are you supposed to be?

2) you draw wolfies beauuutifully. the attention to detail indicates that youve probably spent as much time looking at pictures of wolves online as i have...

3) other kids played hide and seek, you played... hide and seek for deranged predatory children.

4) as usual, i love the gender-neutral character of your personality.

*d36e3v8 said...

Two things:
1) MOST. METAL. SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRLS. EVER.

2) The REALLY horrible thing? If you had all been about twelve years older, that could have been a totally erotic experience for Benny.

li said...

Innocence and naivety at its best! Thank you. I just remembered how awesome touturing someone was. You just proved it right there that touture isn't all bad. Good for you for pwning that poor dude. He had it coming.

Unknown said...

Brilliant - simply, wonderfully brilliant

Anonymous said...

Dear god... That was me 10 years ago... a bloodthirsty 6 year old with an imagination on steroids... I think I played that game quite often with my friends... in fact, I don't think I stopped until 4 years ago XD

Scarlett said...

Your trees and wolfs are so good and realistic =o You have really improved your art skills!

Anonymous said...

I would have just climbed a tree. Actually, since I'm saying that while safely an adult, I honestly don't know what I would have done had I been there. Probably just act like a much bigger, much hungrier wolf and scared them off.

Katbug said...

oh gosh poor benny!

Lazarus said...

Excellent story and nicely enhanced by the drawings. I think your blog is going to catch on some day!

Anonymous said...

My God how I love you. Thank you for your wonderful posts. I'm sure Benny, like me, is now gay. :p

A. Mews said...

I am absolutely terrified. And I can't stop laughing. You're absolutely hilarious!

I've been reading your blog for a while, I just finally managed to create an account so I can comment on it. My fiance read this as well and both of us were laughing so hard we were in tears.

But the reason that I'm terrified is because you have described our two year old daughter. She's vicious. But instead of playing 'wolf pack' she's playing 'zombie shark' in which she and Daddy are zombie sharks and I'm the food. I sympathize with Benny. I know exactly how he feels.

http://saturdaymorningparachute.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Yay a new post. The wolves pics are fantastic. You're awesome. Long time reader, first time poster. Can you do something with polar bears in it? Polar bears are awesome!

Heather said...

YAY A NEW POST AND I LOVED IT HAHAHAHAAAAA Thanks Allie. You're the best.

Anonymous said...

Allie... I want the pic with the girls cocking their heads to the side while hearing "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE" to be on a special mug for my coffee.... puhlease. Because I'm so grumpy without coffee and the creepy little 6yr olds make nostalgic while warning would-be-greeters to let me get my fucking morning coffee. :)

eu digo said...

Your wolves are beautiful!

Thesis Writing said...

Whenever i see the post like your’s i feel that there are still helpful people who share information for the help of others, it must be helpful for other’s. thanx and good job.

Thesis Writing said...

Whenever i see the post like your’s i feel that there are still helpful people who share information for the help of others, it must be helpful for other’s. thanx and good job.

Anonymous said...

Christ, every post I read here makes me more certain your parents should have given you a few good HARD spankings for being a spoiled little brat... Maybe then you wouldn't have the posts about being unable to act like a real grown-up.

emsique said...

Does this intertubes thing work? I'm really old and live in China and my cool son who is a code monkey for Google turned me on to this blog and I can't stop reading it. I keep going further and further back in blogotime and this has become my #1 favorite site. Eventually I will reach the beginning, like reading a book backwards. I'm glad you moved to Bend. It's in my home state before I became a Communist.

A. Sparkle said...

OMG that was the most hilarious story I've ever read in life!!! I laughed till I cried.. lol!!

Anonymous said...

A thousand yard stare is probably a bit much at that age, without being a dispossessed war orphan. I think Benny could probably manage at least a good 150 yard stare, though.

Anonymous said...

Love it. Love the little drawings. The exaggerated emotions on the character's faces are just fantastic.

Shark said...

Haha, love it. Whilst I feel sorry for Benny, is it wrong that I now want to play this "game"?

Unknown said...

I followed a Fark link here, and have now added your blog to my bookmarks. I spent, like, 5 hours yesterday reading back through your older posts (your newer work is hilarious). Actually, I'm starting to wonder if we aren't twins separated at birth: I procrastinate the way you do, find my husband's things for him, and when I was about 10, had a violent wild animal-themed chase-and-destroy game that I played with several friends. Except instead of becoming internet famous, I became a school teacher, which is a lot like being famous only involves more getting up at 5am and less renown. Anyway - I love what you do. The Nativity Play post had me laughing so hard I cried, and my sourpuss husband actually laughed out loud too. Congratulations on everything your talent has deservedly brought you! If I ever visit my kooky Uncle Carl in his bunker in Montana, can I stop by your place and invite you out for a drink?

Anthony said...

As a 13 year old boy with a nine year old sister, I can completly relate to this story. When my sister used to get bored she would just randomly start chasing me around the house. I feel empathy for Benny. God I love your posts alot!

Anthony said...

As a 13 year old boy with a nine year old sister, I can completly relate to this story. When my sister used to get bored she would just randomly start chasing me around the house. I feel empathy for Benny. God I love your posts alot!

Anthony said...

As a 13 year old boy with a nine year old sister, I can completly relate to this story. When my sister used to get bored she would just randomly start chasing me around the house. I feel empathy for Benny. God I love your posts alot!

Nicole said...

Oh no, poor Benny! Kind of reminds me of when we played a game called 'Slave' when I was a child. At least he got cake!

borisandgracie said...

That poor bastard. I bet he never came back and whenever his mother mentioned you girls, he had the look of a wild deer in his eyes as he was screaming "NOOOO!".

Luki Dimension said...

Hee...we used to do the same thing...only with us it was 'Raptors' from Jurassic Park. We'd have multiple prey that had to be wrestled (usually quite painfully) to the ground and were (eventually) given the handicap of being allowed to climb the trees to get away from the rabid 9 year olds. Quite a few bites and bruises came out of those games...

one tow said...

nice

Julie said...

This is the most amazing thing I've seen in a long time. Bravo/brava! I love it!!!!

The Latin Moon said...

Ohmygod. That poor, poor man. XD That's hilarious. I wanna play!

Dani said...

The pics of the girls merrily chomping away on him are too hilarious for words XD. Scary girls are scary!!

Absolutely love the tension and pacing of this post. The eery forest and the wolf pics are fantastic!

Also: This reminded me why I'm very glad my AuPair days are behind me!!

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of when I was fourteen and worked at a kindergarten for a week. I spent my days being hit on the head with plastic fish (it really hurt) and crammed into impossibly small spaces, pretending to be a tiger. (This little girl would peek inside every ten to twenty minutes, I'd go "grrr" and she'd run screaming. It was a very slow game. I would have liked to be the one running for a while.) I decidedly gave up on my career as a kindergarten teacher.

I dunno if I've posted a comment before, but I thought you should know, you're amazing, even if you were a really creepy kid. This blog is one of the best things on the Internet. So, you know, keep it up. Or else.

Mariel said...

I'm sure I'm the millionth person to point this out, but is there a particular reason why Facebook links to this blog always sample one of the comments instead of the actual post?

Maddy said...

i don't even know how to handle how funny this is.

The Disordered Librarian said...

I love the wolves. They're beautifully done. Also, the children with razor teeth are amusing. Love this, as usual!

Lechuza said...

absolutely awesome!

Amanda Kate said...

Well, I'm sure the cake was worth all the years and thousands of dollars spent on therapy. At least, I hope so...

NY Expat said...

When I first started reading this story, I was reminded of when I played "Mr. Giant" at my 8 year-old niece's birthday party with her friends. It was so much fun, having them climb all over me to try and topple me down.

Then I kept reading...

Er, well, OK, it wasn't anything like that, actually...

Great to see you posting again, Allie! I've passed on How Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas I don't know how many times.

vampirefreak said...

I found your blog the other day! its epic!!

Anonymous said...

Dammit! Stephen King has nothing on you six year olds!! Just don't come at Benny from a sewer or anything, or he's gonna be scarred for life. Worse than he already is!

Nomadic Cognition said...

Hahahaha that was so amusing!

Elizabeth said...

My children are totally going to do this. An excellent read as always.

10swords said...

Girls are so evil... I remember in kindergarten a whole group of them held me down during recess and then tied my shoes (with me still wearing them) underneath a play building and left me there for a long while until the teachers noticed I was missing...

Eric Kofman said...

These are always awesome. Great story-telling, and great stories.

http://inkorrigible.blogspot.com/

Rose Dy said...

Poor benny. I particularly love the image when he went psycho..lols..

My twin and I used to be those kids you know. my brother was benny...

HeatherM said...

Dang you kids were terrors! Wow. Benny was very patient.

I always love the illustrations. Awesome awesome awesome.

Jill said...

It's scary how accurate this is. The EXACT same thing happened to my son at a birthday party with 7 year old girls just yesterday...

Young Young said...

I made an account on blogger just so i can follow your blog, allie you're freaking awesome. i'm glad you have been able to make this into your profession.

Elli said...

Ah ah ah! Perfect, wonderful, awesome. I almost died from laughter =D

Anonymous said...

I LOVE the artwork in this one. Super impressed with the wolves and the trees especially. Then again, everything you do it wonderful.

You've inspired me and a couple of friends to start a web comic. It's barely off the ground and we've got tons that need to be computerized and put up, but here's what we have so far if you're interested at all.
http://www.unsavory-characters.blogspot.com/

June said...

An award awaits you at Aging Gratefully.

Idril said...

This would make a great horror short movie.... I KNEW children were evil, i knew it....
When I was a kid, my sister and I liked to play fighting dog. My parents' bed was the ring, and we had to overpower and kill, or push out the other dog.
She was 7 years older than i was, accessorily.

Faith said...

You have just successfully recounted the end of Lord of the Flies in picture form. And bettered it. Congratulations!

fairbetty said...

FYI, I mentioned you on my cheesy little blog award post. Because I think your blog is HILARIOUSLY awesome.

http://fairbettysworld.blogspot.com

Joon Kim said...

Your drawings are getting a little TOO good. This is a development I don't know if I like...

Emma said...

poor Benny:( anyway,MORE MORE MORE MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chase said...

yay another story involving cake!

Unknown said...

Hilarious! You are consistently amazing.

Neil said...

So accurate! I was recently a chaperone at a 10-year-old's birthday party. We took about 12 girls to a haunted barn. Insanity ensued. AND there was definitely biting! Oh, the horror...

Anonymous said...

I totally want a giant poster-sized version of the wolves running. Freaking love it.

Prometheus said...

This was totally hysterical! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I always laugh so hard that I cry when I read your posts! You have such a gift for writing funny stories and the illustrations are perfect for them! lol

Tessa said...

Ohmygosh, that was hilarious! My friends and I did the same thing almost-we were lions and bobcats and tigers instead. We thought that if we were wolves, we would need to eat meat, and everybody knows that cats eat kitty food! Please take into account tha this was many years ag and we were five year olds who had a grudge and a vendetta against the neighborhood boys that needed to be resolved inpain and torture and maybe some blood, but not a lot =) please keep writing! I love your blog. It's literally my main source of laughter on some days, especially those that just plain stink

Maddy said...

Hey Allie,
I am not the commenting type but I have been reading you for a long time and I just relieved some stress by insulting the CBD with all the big words I could think of.

Anyway, I didn't want him to get any "Internet points" for my comment when you are the one who so clearly deserve to take home the coveted Internet Cup at the end of the season.
So here is a comment:

I think you are great.

Anonymous said...

So I hear you're super creepy and totally capable of finding me.

I left a sandwich and two snack-packs in the treehouse. Don't touch my gnomes.

The Oracle at D said...

This is genius! Hilarious! Terrifying! While perfect as is, this post is also an allegory for what is happening on the national level with the health care "debate." The little girls/wolf pack represent the health insurance industry, Benny the electorate, the adults our bamboozled public "servants" and the story line (especially the end where the girls cluster round Benny, the meaning of which the adults completely misinterpret) the pseudo-debate over pseudo solutions that totally miss the basic reality. Didn't know you did that, did you? Yay Art! Thanks! Keep channeling!

Anonymous said...

haha! But seriously, what vicious little girls.

http://simmeringpots.wordpress.com/

Nikki said...

I played something like this a few times, only it went from 'Wolf' Pack to 'Velociraptor' Pack. >3

My poor cousin still has a scar.

Anonymous said...

thank you allie for explaining to me where several previous girlfriends and an ex-wife honed their skills. i was totally at a loss until just now.

Bernard Brandt said...

Dear Ms. Brosh:

I am not going to tell you just how good your cartoon was/is. You don't need validation for it.

I'm not going to tell you that your drawings were killer, and the story was something worthy of H.P. Lovecraft or Edgar Allen Poe. Why should I tell you something you already know?

While I might be tempted to say, with two or three others before me, that this story would make a superb short horror movie, I don't repeat what others have already said.

What I will say is this: This cartoon SO needs to be an animated short. I think that you have the skills to do it yourself. I would highly recommend that you get those skills and do it.

Normally, I'd recommend that you send this to a good animation studio, but they seem (at least most of them) to have suffered the Permian Extinction which is Pixar. Murikami-Wolf could have done a good job, back in their day, though.

I note that your by-line says "I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you". I suppose that this is an effort on your part to "keep the party polite". I approve and applaud your effort. Do know, though, that like the troll at the base of the bridge, it would not be wise to try to find or to wake me.

P.S.: Well done!

Anonymous said...

I had all kinds of animal games as a kid, including turning most of a pack of girl scouts into wolves...it's amazing the power you gain when you draw someone as an animal. However, I think my best, and most...er...interesting game was Dueling.

See, in school I was always a weird child. Too many documentaries, far too many books, and an in-depth knowledge of animal anatomy that might have startled a high-schooler. Armed with this, and two equally batshit sidekicks, I came up with a game that fairly well amounted to a cross between wrestling and a life-and death, kick/bite/scratch struggle for victory. Every lunch break, three little girls would duke it out like furious wildebeest, even going so far as to actually stand either side of the ring, charge, and literally ram each other head-on.

My skull is still astonishingly thick.

Alita said...

The only thing that could make this better would be a comment from Benny.

Anonymous said...

I remember that game! I used to love that game. I once lost a tooth in the kneecap of a 36 year old man. I was so -mad- I never got the tooth back to put under my pillow, I finally just cried until he apologized and gave me a dollar.

Amanda said...

your childhood memories are some of the most hilarious things I've ever read.
your mom must have a great photo album...

sowbug said...

Reminds me of being a 13 year old babysitter of 5 kids. 4 were boys, the oldest only 3 years younger than me.

They managed to fold me up into one of those hide-away bed/couch things. Can you draw that?

Anonymous said...

There should totally be a horror film made from this concept. Call it "Whelp Pack"?

Joshua Mc. said...

i....


am only here for the women that comment on your posts.

hello ladies.

i read hyp&1/2 as well.

Anonymous said...

OMG XD YOU ARE GOD ! this is just epic and the epicness of this is so epic that we have to create a new word to describe it.
Thx for so much laugh.

skorzy said...

Consistently wonderful web comic! Keep at it, Allie!

Anonymous said...

Wow, there is alot of anal fisting in this webcomic. DRAW THAT! I DARE YOU!

Unknown said...

To this day i am sure Benny fears going into the woods!

adampsb said...

Poor bloke, I fear for anyone who volunteers to play games with you and your friends now you have grown up (especially if you play cops n robbers)

adampsb said...

Also -

Did he get a lift home or just run screaming save me, save me to the nearest police precinct and the safety of a mental hospital for a week.

http://adampsb.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-i-learned-to-hate-rock-n-roll.html

Maki Cabrera said...

Woot! Poor benny..poor benny!
You tiny cannibals.

Anonymous said...

Allie you're such a good artist!
(no really, you should sell these for money :) )

Gronk said...

What's a little biting between friends? Buck up Benny!

Anonymous said...

omg, i'm a 40 year old mom of 2 daughters and this post actually gave me a nightmare! i'm new to your blog but i went thru and read the entire thing-you are absolutely hilarious! thanks for brightening up my day.

Ganesh Jaju said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ganesh Jaju said...

Mine is 1000th comment!
Anyways, hilarious blog again!

Anonymous said...

I have presented you with the Stylish Blogger Award! Go to http://eventingakhaltekes.blogspot.com/ for more info!

Kerstin said...

amazing.
Funny thing: I am from germany and used to play "Lions" back in elementary school with my best friend and her little sister :D
but well, we just played it inside the house and without biting, but we, too, pretended and acted everything we knew from tv-documentations about lions and other wild cats :D
...
has to be a rudimental archaic girl thing? ;D

Chemosabe Socks said...

Hilarious!

Greg said...

hahahahahahahha LOVED IT!

Anonymous said...

I was reading this post aloud to my little sisters, and when we hit the CAAAAAAAKE picture, we all shouted "CAKE IS ALL THAT MATTERS!" haha, Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

This is both terrifying and hilarious. My favourite part was their rows of little crocodile teeth.

Tiny girl horrors are the best kind of horrors :3

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