The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas

The year I learned that Christmas did not, in fact, originate as a celebration of my amazing ability to temporarily transform into a "good" child for a few weeks was the year my grandparents took me to see their church's nativity play.  My dad's parents were heavily involved in their church and felt that, at six years old, it was time that I start appreciating the miracle of Jesus instead of using Christmas as an excuse to whore out my integrity for presents.  Even though my parents weren't religious, they let me go to the play because it was important to my grandparents.

From my grandparents' flowery explanation and frequent use of the word "miracle," I went in expecting to be blown away by the production. Unfortunately, the church moms and the pathetic excuses for actors that they called their offspring failed to bring the characters to life in the way I had hoped.  And the story just seemed to center around everyone being really impressed with Jesus and there wasn't much suspense and not a single battle scene.



I could see that the story had potential, but I was deeply disappointed by the whole experience.


By the time my grandparents dropped me off at home, I had convinced myself that I needed to take matters into my own hands and reinvent the birth of Christ so that it conformed to my expectations. My parents and I lived with my maternal grandmother and my aunt, so I would have more than enough talent to work with - all I had to do was create a compelling story line.

I walked through my front door with purpose and gathered my family members in the living room to tell them about my vision. I was going to rewrite the birth of Jesus Christ and I was going to make it POP.

My mom, always wanting to nurture my creative side, agreed on behalf of everyone that we should go forward with the production. I would be playing the part of Mary and my dad would be Joseph. My aunt and my grandma would play the wise men. My mom would be filming. The dogs were slated to play the animals in the manger, but they kept trying to chew the eyes off of the doll I'd chosen to play Jesus, so their parts were cut and they were relegated to the bedroom for the duration of the production.

Once I had assigned everyone their parts, we set about the task of gathering costumes and props. Joseph was outfitted in a brown bath robe and Mary wore a blue blanket over her head like a cloak. The wise men, who were heavily intoxicated at that point in the evening, decided to dress themselves like gypsies.


I felt that the struggles of my character, Mary, needed to be emphasized. The audience really needed to understand that she was suffering. I constructed my costume accordingly.


By the time I was done reinventing her, Mary carried a cane, walked with an exaggerated limp and was completely covered in BandAids.


She was also blind.

The first scene opened with Mary and Joseph walking across the desert in search of shelter. I took my dad's hand and slowly paraded around the house, making a big show of being horribly disabled.


I was slightly annoyed when my dad broke character to ask my mom if she put the leftovers in the refrigerator, but I tried to work around the interruption and carry on. I couldn't let myself be distracted by the incompetence of others.

I had never been more serious about anything in my little life.  I ad-libbed my lines with the greatest sincerity, pausing after each one to let the weight of my plight sink in.


Every now and then, I would pause my dramatic musings and make my dad knock on a door and ask "Is there room at the inn?" At which point, my mother's disembodied voice would say "I'm sorry. There is no room at the inn." And then I'd make my dad feign complete outrage at the detached voice.

Me: "Now yell at the innkeeper!"

My Dad: "Arrggghhhh!"

Me: "No, Dad! Actually yell words at him!"

My Dad: "You... innkeeper! You dirty innkeeper!"

Me: "Do it better than that."

My Dad: "Oh, I'll... I'll show you, you rascally innkeeper!"

Me: "NO! You aren't saying it mean enough."

My Dad: "How do I say it mean enough?"

Me: "Say 'I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you!'"

My Dad: "I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you."

Me: "Louder."

My Dad: "I'LL RIP OUT YOUR GUTS AND FEED THEM TO A MONSTER AND THEN I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

Working with my family was turning out to be more of a struggle than I had anticipated.  They seemed to be actually looking for opportunities to derail my theatrical masterpiece.

Once we had cycled through knocking on every door in the house in much the same fashion, I went back to the first door and started the process over. At some point in this endless litany of repetitive scenes, my mom interrupted to try to get things moving a little faster.


My mother didn't seem to understand how serious I was about my part.  Fortunately, I got bored with the scene well before I'd gotten around to reenacting it a million times.

It was finally time for Jesus to be born. Due to my incomplete understanding of childbirth, the scene involved Jesus being tossed across the room, as if in flight, and me running over to where he landed and acting really surprised to find him there.


The wise men were in the kitchen making more cocktails while Jesus was being "born" and they missed their cue. My mom ran into the kitchen and yelled "Jesus is here!" to which the wise men responded "Oh! Right! Shit. Hang in there, Jesus! We're coming!! "

They stumbled into the living room, still clutching half-full glasses of vodka which they hadn't had time to pour orange juice into, and yelled, as if the baby Jesus were partially deaf or mentally challenged "HELLO JESUS. WE COME BEARING GIFTS."

Grandma: "Wait, where are the gifts?"

Aunt: "Didn't you bring them? We were supposed to bring gold, frankincense and that other one." 

Grandma: "I thought you were going to bring them."

Aunt: "I was busy keeping my eye on that star and trying not to get us lost. You were on gold, frankincense and whatever duty."

Grandma: "Well, I was brushing the camels."

Aunt: "You aren't supposed to brush camels." 

Grandma: "You don't know that. Have you ever owned a camel?"

Aunt: "Of course. I'm a wise man. I know all there is to know about camels."

Grandma: "Well, then you should know that camels need to be brushed. A lot."

Aunt: (skeptical silence).

Grandma: "Well, I guess we don't have any gifts after all. Sorry Jesus."

I was not happy. I ordered them to go find some gifts for Jesus.

They scavenged around the living room for a few minutes and then returned bearing a pack of cigarettes, the remote control and a Kenny Loggins tape.


Aunt: "We're back! And we have the gifts!"

Grandma: "They are specially imported from distant lands."

The gifts were most definitely not imported from distant lands. I had just seen my aunt and grandmother pick them up off of the floor, seemingly at random.  Their inattention to detail infuriated me. They weren't even trying to make the play seem realistic.  They were sabotaging my monumental production with their lazy, unrealistic props.

Me: "Jesus doesn't want those things."

Grandma: "Sure he does. Jesus loves Kenny Loggins."

Me: "No. He hates him."

My dire seriousness only served to fuel their desire to toy with me.

Aunt: "No, no, no. Jesus was a huge Kenny Loggins fan."

Grandma: "It's true. I saw it in the Bible once."

Me: "Grandma, Kenny Loggins wasn't even alive back then."

Grandma: "Oh yes he was.  Kenny Loggins is immortal."

They both burst into raucous laughter.  They thought they were being awfully clever.  Apparently my mom and dad thought so too, because they joined in.


At that point, they were all laughing too hard to clearly impart any further knowledge of Kenny Loggins.

I looked at them, strewn about the room; contorted with laughter over their own stupid jokes.


They were a disgrace.  They had somehow managed to take my moment in the spotlight and irreversibly derail it until it was entirely about Kenny Loggins. This was supposed to be MY moment, not Kenny Loggins' moment. It was so unfair. They were ruining my life.


I couldn't contain my fury any longer.


An unforeseen plot twist arose when, in a final attempt to jar my family into cooperation, I cast the baby Jesus to the ground and began to repeatedly bludgeon him with my cane.

Even though they weren't religious, the violent blasphemy unfolding before them made my family feel slightly uncomfortable.


My grandmother tried to intervene. 


For a moment, it seemed as though my outburst had succeeded in bringing my family back into a more serious mindset. But after a few moments of tense silence, my aunt quietly squeaked "Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus..."

It was over.  Any hope I had ever had of getting my family members to act out their parts with integrity was shattered.  They laughed and laughed until I thought they were going to asphyxiate on their own wretched spittle.

My mom eventually realized that it was her maternal duty to step in and discipline me when I did things like strike the baby Jesus repeatedly with a blunt object, so she tried to pull herself together and send me to my room. 


I didn't want to spend any more time around these horrible, undignified people anyway, so I stomped away to my room where I could reenact the play with a more cooperative cast.


I still hold a small amount of resentment toward Kenny Loggins.  

1,499 comments:

1 – 200 of 1499   Newer›   Newest»
Meaghan said...

FIRST. xD

*goes to read now*

Anonymous said...

This just made my day.

Anonymous said...

Yay new post!!

Chelsea said...

YAY a new post! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

LSAT Blog said...

Hooray!

Amy said...

Snorted with laugher at this. So fricking funny. I love it.

Anonymous said...

Haha this is hilarious. Okay, so I haven't read it yet, but I wanted to be one of the first to comment for once. I'm sure it's hilarious, though. It's you.

Kevin said...

Is it just me or or a few of the pictures scrambled?

Katherine said...

SO FESTIVE!

Anonymous said...

We don't hit the baby Jesus. Ha! -Bob Roberts

Amanda said...

Hilarious!

John The Bookworm said...

I love this more than Kenny Loggins.

Kathleen said...

Kenny Loggins just made me pee with laughter. Kidding, Allie, I know that Christmas miracle belongs to you.

Allie said...

Kevin - Which ones seem scrambled?

Mandie said...

NEW POST JOY!

Holy crap this was hilarious. I totally agree, the real nativity story is effing boring. Let's add some bloodshed. Why do we always leave out the part where King Herod had all the baby boys yoinked from their parents and slaughtered while trying to find Jesus? THAT would make for some compelling Christmas mass.

Anonymous said...

I know it's hilarious, I want to read it but I have to leave and I will come back later. But I will be thinking about reading it the whole time I am gone and wondering if I made the right choice.

Courtney said...

Kenny Loggins: The original Chuck Norris, apparently.

Awesome post! Merry Christmas :)

Anonymous said...

Absolute scream.

The creeping onset of the Kenny Loggins punchline/giggles on your mom's face, is priceless.

Also love the enraged little-Allie faces. Need some of those on some t-shirts.

Lastly: "I couldn't let myself be distracted by the incompetence of others." An excellent general life philosophy.

Grimgor said...

Okay, my chest actually hurts now. However, I think it's mostly because I find the adults in your story to be hilarious :D

artfuldodger said...

I.....I love you. "You" meaning Kenny Loggins, of course.

Marie said...

If the Wise Men ever decide to adopt anyone, put my name first on that list. XD Hilarity.

twilightgazing said...

Where can I get tickets to your production?

Maddie said...

This is beautiful. Completely made my ridiculous hectic day.

My mom was less thrilled, being a giant fan of both Jesus and Kenny Loggins.

Reed said...

but can kenny loggins beat chick norris? and if they meet what happens?!?!?

French.Rabbi said...

*snicker*

Awesomeness... Thought -- I don't think I know who Kenny Loggins is... maybe I should look this up.

^^

DarrellG said...

You said "My mom would be filming." You must post it to YouTube.

KATE said...

OH GOD. TEARS ARE STREAMING ON MY FACE BECAUSE THIS IS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS

Cielo said...

Oh Ally, every time you make a new post, I end up laughing hysterically until my eyes are wet with tears. Having said that, does that video still exist somewhere? If so, post it. Pretty please? >=D

SongCoyote said...

It is always wise to express one's gratitude to a T-Rex; they are known for being sticklers about politeness. Well done.

And the rest was frickin' hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Why cant my doodles look that cute and awesome D:

Lynn said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA


HA

Drew said...

Allie, if I wrote a Christmas song about you, would you be...

a) flattered
b) creeped out
c) flattered
d) in a position to adopt me as your adult child

Simple Dude said...

Makes sense to me:

Kenny Loggins was the king of movie soundtracks in the 80s. Footloose, Caddyshack, Top Gun, etc.

And from what I have heard, Jesus is a HUGE 80s movie junkie. To this day he has a Breakfast Club poster in his room.

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

VelcroShoes said...

OMG I haven't laughed this hard in aaaages XD And Kenny Loggins is clearly Satan. Or Santa. I used to get those two confused a lot.

Anonymous said...

That is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever read. The expression on your mom's face as she says ...kenny logginssss! is priceless.

Jackie said...

Oh, I don't often laugh out load at things online, but I was at this! AWESOME. SUPERAWESOME.

hadra777 said...

Ok, I've laughed out loud at your stuff before, but this made me giggle uncontrollably. Priceless. So well told!

Reed said...

whoops i just said Chick Norris...im probably going to be dead soon :(

Mark said...

Super duper party pooper funny! I have children of my own, and I enjoying infuriating them, just cuz.

Bravo!

wallflower said...

Jesus Christ.

moosicle said...

:D Excellent! Happy Kenny Logginsmas xx

Paola said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha this is the best Christmast related post I have read in a very long time. I can totally see how the progression into maniacal laughter fits by your family makes total logical sense...I've seen something similar happen to my family. What I love though is how your mom still tried to discipline in the midst of it. So courageous. :D LOL Thank you!

bethanne said...

thank you for this! i needed the huge laugh after two (of three) long days at the office. this has made my year! :)

April said...

Kenny Loggins loves this blog post!

QueenOfHorror said...

Kenny Loggins does ruin Christmas...he has NO PLACE IN CHRISTMAS.

Also, Jesus would have celebrated Hanukkah.

Happy holidays!!

tsuki said...

So, Kenny Loggins was an early Chuck Norris. Your family was basically just ahead of their time. Love it!

Tiffy said...

I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard!!!! Thank you THANK you, Allie.... this is priceless!!

Nutpuppy said...

My life has been so unawesome between posts. I'm a hyperbole junkie now. You are a genius. And, after you caned the poor baby, you looked like Igor from Young Frankenstein.
Merry Christmas.

Emily said...

This explains a lot. Hilarious!

Happy Kenny Loggins Day Allie.

Ktown2009 said...

I love the picture of "Mary" right before the last picture of your mom telling you to go to your room ... as well as the one before it. They are both hilarious.

NiamhyLil said...

I nearly wet myself.
Absolutly amazing,
Happy Christmas.

Cooley said...

This is awesome! Kenny Loggins can ruin any moment, not just christmas!

Mina said...

Passing this on to all the folks I know who also think Christmas could use some spicing up.

Annie said...

MORE BANDAIDS!!! snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrt

But you know, Kenny Loggins wouldn't need bandaids...

Nikki said...

This is almost definitely the best thing I've ever read. I am nearly in tears.

Jocelyn said...

LIKE!!!!!

Kaleb said...

poor kenny. least he is immortal. like santa! and chuck norris!

Kaleb said...

poor kenny. least he is immortal. like santa! and chuck norris!

Anonymous said...

Well I was at risk of asphyxiating on my own wretched spittle right along with them when I read this. So a job well done. =D

Jane said...

"Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus..."

- This may be my favourite sentence for the remainder of 2010...

Sarah Elizabeth said...

The "bludgeoning Jesus to death" part was my favorite. This just made my day SO much better.

Dallas Power said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Rachel said...

perhaps my most favorite christmas story ever. <3 yay for a new post!!

Anonymous said...

OMG! Christmas awesomeness! Thanks, Allie!

btw, I hate Kenny Loggins with a purple passion

Anonymous said...

A new post is exactly what I wanted for Christmas!! Thanks! It was awesome...even though I don't *actually* know who Kenny Loggins is:) I am going to google him.

Anonymous said...

I just laughed so hard that I forgot about the fact that my crotch has been over-run with nasty yeastie beasties! Thanks; you rock!

Carolyn said...

GOOD GOD you are funny!!!!!

Aaron said...

Feel like you should have a Kenn Loggins song to go with the story that would be epic! Plus I've never heard Kenny Loggins >.>

EmEeeKay said...

Is it bad that I don't know who Kenny Loggins is? I'm just assuming he was supposed to be like Chuck Norris.

Hilarious post as usual, Allie!

AlisonL said...

Amazing. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

Fuckin Kenny Loggins... :)

Anonymous said...

MARRY ME ELLIE!
YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY!

Stephanie said...

Bwhahahahahah!!!


.....HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure I ripped something vital while laughing. I'll keep you updated. If I don't get back to you, I've died.

Totally worth it.

BuffieDee said...

Omfg on toast...I'm bawling so hard with laughter its not even funny. You created snot-bubbles of laughter.

corynne said...

that was soo funny i love how ur mom tried to stay serious wihle trying to displen u i can see my mom doing that

MissGenevaS said...

I'm completely convinced that this video should be found and produced in massive amounts. you never know, it could be a Christmas Special.
DOOOO EEEEETTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fish said...

you say this was filmed.....

Brett said...

I think there are some words overboard after "family back into a more seri"?

Anonymous said...

OMG...he's the "Footloose" guy!! Awesome! He totally can read minds!

Anonymous said...

Just made my week...

Anonymous said...

Behind Kenny Loggins' beard, there is no skin. Just another fist.

Truss said...

I want a Rankin-Bass stop motion animated version of this on my TV BY THE END OF THIS WEEK. Get on it, Hollywood.

Dani said...

Total. Greatness.

Merry Christmas Allie!

Bailey said...

Brilliant! So I gather that Kenny Loggins was the original Chuck Norris? *gasp* Maybe Kenny Loggins IS Chuck Norris!

Toni said...

I love it! (As usual)

Theresa said...

I can't seem to stop crying/laughing/wishing I was in the audience the day of the show....brilliant!

Jane Doe said...

Hilarious as always. Keep up the good work.

http://winewillfixit.blogspot.com

Kevin said...

There are 4 scrambled for me:

The picture that says "But I thought Mary only had to..." something. There are some scrambled colors and then the bottom half of the picture is blank.

The one after that.

The one after "We don't hit the baby Jesus..."

The one before "I'm Serious"

I've tried reloading the page but those same ones are scrambled for me.

Anthony said...

Merry Christmas! Love the post, it was hilarious! As a parent myself, I am familiar with attempting discipline while fighting through laughter... It never ends well.

Rob said...

Please, celebrate me (or the baby Jesus) home.

Have a Merry Christmas. Thanks for brightening mine.

Kelly Whalen said...

Laughing hysterically!

I just had a conversation with my 6 year old about how Jesus and Santa where the same person.

eems said...

best christmas read this year - may be a new tradition for me - thanks!

Neytiri said...

Ha! My mom does the same stuff to me, and I was just as melodramatic and theatrical when I was younger... hell, I still am. I'm in the process of reading your entire blog start to finish (I've read a good 40-50%) and you are brilliant. Please write a book? Please?

delta5 said...

Once again, you've made a grown man cry at the office. For this, I thank you from the heart of my bottom.

(My officemate hates you because I snort and stifle giggles for hours every time you post something new...) :D

Adrienne said...

OMG, I'm totally crying with laughter at work! Thank you so much for this - I know you've probably been unpacking and settling in your new home, but I missed your posts!

What's even funnier is I was listening to a Kenny Loggins song when I first read this post...

ComfyDenim said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I think we can all harbor a little resentment toward Kenny Loggins, for you.

Excellent stuff!

Ethan said...

I fucking hate how people don't read it and then clamber over each other in order to be "FIRST TO COMMENT OMG LOL". Shut the fuck up and read the fucking comic and be a fucking normal person for once. GAWWWDDD uuuhh I hate yoooou people.

But nice work on the comic; Kenny Loggins is a douche.

Anonymous said...

AWESOME

TKchan said...

Once again I look like a psychopath at work.

This is pure gold Allie, but of course you know that already. My favorite part was the birth of Jesus XD

-E

Anonymous said...

Almost killed me with laughter! Still got tears in my eyes. Love it!

Ali said...

This is the greatest Christmas story I've ever read. Please make a movie about it!

Anonymous said...

Kenny Loggins' tears can cure cancer.....too bad he's never cried.

Anonymous said...

And Kenny Loggins bursts into song! "I'm alright, nobody worry 'bout me! Why you got to gimme a fight? Can't you just let it be?"

*tarazza said...

DYING. LAUGHING.

Rutherford said...

LOVE THAT THE FIRST COMMENTER AND I SHARE THE SAME NAME WITH EVEN THE SAME SPELLING! SO AWESOME! It's like I was first too!

Love love love this.

Highlights (aka: things that actually made me LOL)

- "The wise men, who were heavily intoxicated at that point in the evening, decided to dress themselves like gypsies."
- "No. A MILLION."
- "Kenny Loggins is immortal." Followed by several Kenny Loggins jokes which almost trump Chuck Norris jokes.
- "Even though they weren't religious, the violent blasphemy unfolding before them made my family feel slightly uncomfortable."

Anonymous said...

made me cry of laughter.

Lucy said...

I don't know who Kenny Loggins is, so I googled him, he does kinda look like Jesus himself in some of those photos

Em said...

Man, I am so ill at the moment that all I can do is making this weird crying/laughing noise that freaks out boyfriend. And this post made me do that until I couldnt breathe any more. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

OMG - I think I'm going to asphyxiate on my own wretched spittle =D

Shoebox Princess said...

I don't get what's so funny. I've SEEN Kenny Loggins in concert and he can do all those things AND MORE. And he would NEVER beat baby Jesus.

(I don't usually laugh out loud while reading blog posts, but I did at this. I'll be saying "Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus" all week now and random moments)

Anna said...

Your Mary costume? BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Hamlet's Mistress said...

Very, very funny.. Your mom at the end was the best. Loved it.

Anonymous said...

Awesome! The cartoons just make the story that much better.

SoCalWendie said...

Why does this remind, or should I say re traumatize me of holidays gone wrong at the drunken hands of the adults in my family? That being said...I LOVE this post!!

Kyah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

Kenny Loggins' columns are funnier. Also, when he draws dogs on his blogs, my cats can't tell the difference between that and real dogs so they cower from the screen. Also when Kenny Loggins reenacted the birth of Jesus, Jesus was dressed like RAMBO and took revenge on all the innkeepers so... basically... yeah. More awesome. Sorry, Allie. Try again later.

Jerry said...

so does the film of this still exist anywhere?

Gillian said...

I am a Jew.

Is this how "the Christmas" works?

I shall assume so.

Praise be to Kenny Loggins.

Anonymous said...

Don't get too mad at Kenny Loggins or you'll end up in the DANGAAHH ZAHHOOOONE!!

Aslyn said...

I don't suppose you still have a copy of that, huh?

Bekah said...

Great job making Christmas 17 times funnier, I just died laughing!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely amazing!!!!! Your blog makes my week!!!!!!!

Moscow Kitty said...

Congratulations on nearly causing me to asphyxiate on my own spittle, while trying not to laugh so loudly that I would awaken my new host mother.

(Seriously - I'm a US study abroad student in Moscow, Russia, and I've been in this new house for less than 6 hours. Waking my new host Babushka up at 1:24 AM with guffaws of joy at both Kenny Loggins and Christmas Pageantry would be both unappreciated an inexplicable.

... Though the thought of trying to explain this comic in Russian is quite hilarious... )

Of course, the only thing I can really say, is that now I feel that I must go back and read this with the "Top Gun" soundtrack playing...

Untypically Jia said...

I'm totally crying.

I think it's seriously amazing how you can capture a stifled laugh in a cartoon. Seriously. Amazing.

Seddi B said...

Bwuahahahahaha... I couldn't stop laughing. Kenny Loggins... *snicker*

Marisa et al said...

i'm slightly afraid i'll burn in hell for finding this so funny...

who knew kenny loggins was the real precursor to chuck norris?

"The wise men were in the kitchen making more cocktails while Jesus was being "born" and they missed their cue. My mom ran into the kitchen and yelled "Jesus is here!" to which the wise men responded "Oh! Right! Shit. Hang in there, Jesus! We're coming!! "

this sounds so much like my own theatrical productions as a pre-schooler... only without the blasphemy... my parents were good catholics.

cannot wait to tell my daughters you've written a new post!

Canberra Pottery Student said...

That was f-ing hilarious!! Brought me to tears. In front of colleagues. Thanks Allie.

Anonymous said...

Ever since I found your blog, its what i look forward to reading every time i get online :]

- Celes - said...

I'm sure this scarred you for life. I imagine that you probably aren't a regular church goer as a result. I also imagine eventually someone is going to be nosy and pushy enough to ask you why (there are some pushy religious people out there). Relish in this opportunity if and when it does arise.

"So, why don't you go to church?"

"KENNY LOGGINS!! BEAT BABY JESUS WITH A CANE!!!"

"...?"

"I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!"

phyreyes13 said...

Thank you for this post; I was suffering withdrawals. I absolutely agree with the person who said you should post the video your mom filmed.

Jujube said...

Bahahahaha, sitting at my office covering my mouth to not laugh. But I think I would be right there with your family, curled on the floor in a fit of laughter. Their part in this story just made it even better, just like Kenny Loggins :)

oh and agreed to those that asked whether this video still exists!?!

Oh x2, I love the new Christmas decorations you've put up all over!

Haley said...

I've waiting so long for a new post.
I was not disappointed!

This was effin' hilarious!

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha *breathe* hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaha ;)

quasisonic said...

I LOVE YOUR FACE. :D

Seriously, i've been sitting around hoping a new post would happen and this is just beyond beautiful. Thank you for sharing in such a hiliarious manner.

Eight Lives Left said...

I'm so glad you didn't have a third child named Kenny Loggins. :)

amasea said...

I think Kevin may be reenacting your wise men's reenactment of that evening...minus the orange juice. They don't seem scrambled to me.

Andrew said...

Crying. Crying now. At my desk. So funny. I may finally get fired this time.

Pat said...

Your family's behavior explains SO MUCH.

Stacey said...

Seriously.... you are my hero!

kitkat said...

Hahahaha, still laughing XD
Poor baby Jesus.

Brad said...

I laughed as hard as your mom was when she said Kenny Loggins. This was great.

Kevin said...

Allie- Either I'm crazy, or you fixed it (or both?). The pictures are all loading for me now. Merry Christmas!

breaaire said...

I've been reading the archives.

You are brilliant.

And Kenny Loggins is creepy.

Perfect DOUBLE RAINBOW post!

Homemaker Man said...

Kenny Loggins eats reindeer meat.

This was a truly wonderful xmas story.

Brandina said...

I almost made it all the way through w/out bursting into hysterical laughter at my desk....

but the part where your mom was trying to be serious enough to discipline you for beating the crap out of baby Jesus and failing miserably was so funny I cried....

again!

You're so AwEsOmE!

Have a very Merry Xmas and truly Happy New Year!

Chelsey said...

hahahahahaha this is HILARIOUS! I love your posts!

Jen said...

Oh God, I'm crying and laughing. This is AWESOME.

burnthatbridge said...

Totally worth the wait. I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. You are the best!!!

Dave said...

Every one of your posts literally make me laugh out loud until I'm almost in tears.

Anonymous said...

I love that mary birthed santa, too. It just seems logical...

Barbara said...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this fabulous Christmas present! I laughed till it hurt. And I don't like Kenny Loggins, either. You aunt and grandmother were very, very mean to you.

linkcorreon said...

*No one* gets artistic integrity anymore. I suspect it's because of cocktails. Don't let anyone, not even Kenny Loggins, take that from you.

Lisa said...

I love reading your blog, it always cheers me up. So I made you a present!

http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa431/anotherpeekshur/kennyloggins.jpg

Benjamin said...

I was jamming to "Danger Zone" just yesterday, and in an odd twist of fate a friend recommended this blog. I must say 'tis quite humorous.

aguzzla22 said...

Christmas will never be the same again.


OH, AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF KENNY LOGGINS AND CHUCK NORRIS MET?

Anonymous said...

I'm fairly certain the scripture says Jesus was born in the House on Pooh Corner.

Liz said...

I crack up at the people who comment that they are first and THEN go back to read. :)

I'm pretty sure I'd love to get drunk and re-enact this with you and your family.

S.B. said...

oh my god....

SCREAMING WITH LAUGHTER!!!

You are amazing!!!!!!!!!!

Courtney said...

You come up with some of the craziest things - I love it!

kittykat said...

bahahhahahahahhahahahhahahhaahahahahahahha...this shit is brilliant

Anonymous said...

Great new post! I love the festive decorations all over the blog too! :)

That's What She said...

"We don't hit the baby Jesus..."

Probably the most awkward out-of-context statement I'll ever read.

Brilliant.

Kate said...

I have much love for this story. Much love.

My Christmas comics consist of me drawing faces on different types of food... I never had a Kenny Loggins story as a child.

I AM DEPRIVED

solsticemom said...

"We don't hit the baby Jesus....or Kenny Loggins."
Oh my goodness, I have a serious case of the giggles now.

sazzajay said...

I am at work so I have to try and hold back the hysterical tears. Thank you Allie for yet another brilliant post.

Anonymous said...

Yay! An update! Good one, twas hilarious.

Anonymous said...

This really put me in the Christmas Spirit! I really hope that Kenny Loggins is not reading my mind!!! - JT

Blah said...

This is the first time I've commented on your blog - but i HAD TO after this! So amazingly funny! I was laughing so much i got weird looks from everyone else in the room, and then when i tried to explain the bludgoning of baby jesus i started crying!

I have spent the last few days reading past entries and generally stalking your blog, facebook and twitter so i was so shocked and overjoyed when i returned to your blog to find a new post!!

HOORAY!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

Kim said...

Golly! I was seriously going through post withdraw. Never ever ever ever should there be that long of a gap in post-ed-ness, ever ever ever again. Ever. That is all.

Francis Hunt said...

Ok, Allie, I think you've hit on one of the most important secret facts of the 20th Century - Chuck Norris and Kenny Loggins are actually the same person!!

In between filming episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger Chuck would go into the recording studio, don his Kenny persona and record songs like "Footloose!. After all, everyone knows Chuck Norris can do everything!

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, I should not have read this while in the hospital with pneumonia. I think I just broke another lung.
You should have made Jesus and Santa baby team up to fight the T-Rex.

Skulda said...

A little bit of snot came out of my nose while trying to suppress my laughter at work.
Worth the wait...


...but I still wish there were more Allie Brosh blog entries!

Ben Sargent said...

If you filmed this, you MUST upload it somehow. That would make my day!

sky said...

This wonderful.
It laughed.
interesting.

Q said...

I'm having flashbacks to /The Best Christmas Pageant Ever/, by Barbara Robinson.
You're hilarious, Allie Brosh.

Kate said...

Awesomeness. :)

bekee said...

my stomach hurts. thank you!

Allie said...

OMG...

So, will Kenny Loggins become the next meme?

*snort*

Kate said...

Allie, I just CRIED with laughter. I'm still crying now. Pure genius, I love you.

Matt said...

Ah yes, Jesus was in fact a huge Loggins fan. Clearly Loggins was also a big Jesus fan back in the day too. Who could forget the classic "Manger Zone"?

Nicole said...

You are my Christmas present.

"Jesus loves Kenny Loggins." Tears. It brought tears to my bleary Christmas eyes.

And, good God, thank you for the Chuck Norris of 2011. "Who died and made you Kenny Loggins?"

Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad Allie, I hate Ken Logs too... I am just glad I am not alone in my ill feelings

**** said...

Oh my god I can't breath, oh god help help I can't breath. This is too good for words.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. I'm actually crying here. Need a hanky. Needed this laugh. Wish to meet your family. To sum up: so THAT'S where you got it from!

Anonymous said...

Upload this to Youtube. Now.

Emily said...

I wonder if Kenny Loggins writes a blog...

Brittany said...

I can't even pronounce his name. Hell, I was born in the mid-90's I don't know who he is. D:

Allison's Randomness said...

love it! now that a little time has passed, i hope you can hear footloose and not hate Kenny Loggins! Merry Christmas!

mandy said...

the true story of christmas!

Stephanie said...

Hilarious! Do you still have the actual video your mom took? I would pay good money, well, some money, to see that.

Merry Christmas!

KMB said...

I love you so much for this post. I don't know how you get such great expressions in your drawings, but they are epic.

MB Tankersley said...

Pure greatness. Thank you for a bit of light on the darkest day of the year.

mandy said...

do you have ANY of that video? it would be really, really good to see.

Tarot said...

Obviously Jesus LOVES him just look
->
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_AKLvmi_1wZs/ScFN8f8PpEI/AAAAAAAAAI4/6H4gWZGASbY/s400/Keep+the+Fire+by+Kenny+Loggins+_+Reviews+and+Ratings+-+Rate+Your+Music.jpg

Lorraine said...

I am at work and totally don't have time to read this right now, but just skimming through it, I have to tell you that a new post from you is the BEST. CHRISTMAS PRESENT. EVER.

Thank you for existing. And for being brilliant. :-D

Mia said...

YAY YAY!!!! YOU KNOW WHO WOULD BE SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS POST....KENNY LOGGINS.

I'm sorry.
That was mean.
But, if it's any consolation- his name kind of resembles Kenny LEGGINGS. And those are ugly.
So you still win.

romandruid said...

Better Kenny Loggins than Chuck Norris, eh?

Obscurity and a Competence said...

This is amazing.

Pablo E. said...

Best x'mas gift EVER! I loooove you so much! Thanks!

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