Wolves

Benny came to the birthday party because his mom had volunteered him to help supervise the children. He must have felt out of place being the lone teenage boy amidst a flock of over-excited six-year-old girls, but we welcomed his presence. We saw him as a sort of prop that we could manipulate in our imaginary games - a living, breathing human that would submit to pretending to be whatever we wanted it to pretend to be. On that particular day, we wanted to play a game called "wolf pack" which we had invented after watching a documentary about the hunting tactics of wolves.

We swarmed Benny as he was preparing to pour himself a glass of apple juice.


As a 13-year-old boy, Benny probably did not relish the idea of wasting an entire day entertaining us. But he was a good-natured young man, and he had agreed to help keep us out of trouble, so he reluctantly asked us what we wanted to play.

Us:  "Wolf pack!" 

Benny: "How do you play 'wolf pack'?" 

Us: "We're the wolves and you're the deer. We close our eyes and count to twenty and you run away. Then we try to find you and catch you!"

Benny:  "Okay. Where do you want to play?" 

Us:  "In the forest!" 

Benny followed us outside and we led him deep into the vast expanse of backwoods wilderness that was to be our playing field.  We reached a small clearing and decided to start the game there.  We yelled at Benny, "Now run away!"  

And we began to count.  

Benny scurried off into the forest, calling out behind himself to help make the game easier for us.  He thought we would have trouble finding and catching him.  


What Benny did not know was that we were incredibly serious about the realistic aspects of "wolf pack."  In our wildly vivid imaginations, we were actually wolves and Benny was actually a deer. 


We found him almost immediately.   


Benny probably would have tried harder if he knew that losing the game involved so much biting.  But he did not expect that the game would be so true to life. I'm sure it was quite painful for him, but that was a necessary casualty for the game to feel convincing and fun.  

Benny fought bravely, but there were too many of us and he was handicapped by his reluctance to punch and kick a bunch of six-year-olds. We wrestled him to the ground and bit him repeatedly until we were satisfied that we had "killed" him.


At that point, Benny had two options: he could stand there and try to reason with us until we finished counting and mauled him again, or he could flee and try to find his way back to the safety of the house before we caught him. 

Benny chose fleeing.  

But it was starting to get dark and the woods were unfamiliar to Benny.  There were labyrinths of footprints, left behind from our previous forest adventures, providing a confusing web of false trails.  He desperately clawed his way through the underbrush in a random direction that he hoped was the right one, but he only had twenty seconds and things weren't looking good for him.  We finished counting and took off after him. 


Benny was faster than us, but we greatly outnumbered him and we were able to strategically "herd" him into a clearing where we surrounded him and went in for the kill.  


Benny had severely underestimated our hunting and maiming capabilities.  We were not like ordinary little girls who frittered away their time hosting tea parties and pretending to be princesses.  We had spent countless hours out in the forest, sharpening our hunting tactics on imaginary prey and we finally had an opportunity to put all of our practice to use on a real thing that would run away from us and struggle for survival.  Unfortunately for Benny, we had not yet developed the ability to empathize with the pain and suffering of other people, and his terrified fleeing was pretty much the most fun thing that had ever happened to us. 

Once again, we let him stand up after we were satisfied that we had bitten him enough times.  


It became clear to Benny that he was going to have to play the game over and over and over until he could find his way back to the house.  He had to make the most of the 20 seconds we gave him to flee and try to make as much progress as possible in between maulings.  

We were exhausted from all of the chasing, but we weren't ready to stop playing, so we began to rely much more heavily on stealth. We stalked Benny through the darkening woods, waiting for him to make himself vulnerable to attack.


The psychological torment of waiting to be attacked was almost worse than the attacks themselves.  We darted around in the shadows, snapping twigs and making strange growling noises.  We sounded like tiny chainsaws.  

We would have continued to torture Benny for hours, possibly even days, but our parents called us home for birthday cake.


We cared about cake more than we cared about Benny, so we abandoned him in the woods and ran back to the house. Benny heard us being called, but he couldn't see where we went from his hiding spot. He tried to follow our shrieking voices, but just ended up getting turned around.

At first, no one noticed that we had arrived back at the house without Benny, but the topic did eventually come up.

My mom: "Where's Benny?"

Us: "Outside." 

My mom: "Doesn't he want some cake?"

Us: "No." 

My mom: "He should at least come inside and get warm..." 

Us: "He's fine." 

We didn't actually know if Benny was okay, but we wanted cake and talking about Benny wasn't bringing us any closer to that goal. 

 Eventually, the adults went looking for him. They tromped into the woods with flashlights, yelling "BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!" They were startled to hear loud crashing and branches snapping behind them, but it turned out to be Benny. He stumbled into the pool of light cast by the flashlight.


Benny's mom:  "Benny, what are you doing?" 

Benny: "Where are they?" 

My mom:  "The girls?  They came back an hour ago, are you still out here looking for them?" 

Benny: "No." 

Benny's Mom: ".... Well, you should really come up to the house, sweetie. It's cold out here."  

And so Benny got to come back to the house. When he walked through the door, we ran over to him and hugged his legs. "Bennybennybennybenny!" we shrieked. Bennybennybennybennybennybenny! We brought him a huge piece of cake on the most special plate we could find, and we watched him eat it to make sure he was enjoying it.


When he finally had to go home, we cried out after him, "Benny, are you coming back?  When are you coming back to play with us?"  Benny's mom remarked about how cute it was that we loved him so much, "isn't that just adorable, Benny? They really seem to like you!"  She assured us that Benny would come back to play with us soon.  

1,174 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Whoop!

The Overlord of food said...

AMG Love.

Katie Pedersen. said...

This is so clever. I absolutely love it!

The Simple Dude said...

So the real question is... was the cake worth all that torment for Benny?

If I were him, I'd say yes. But I have an unnatural obsession with cake.

SD
www.TheSimpleDude.com

Andy said...

Haha! This is awesome! Great post!

Rebecca Bany said...

You're good! :D

Sunni said...

oh the tension of those woods images. The stray flash of color. This is brilliant.

It also reminds me of some 3 year old girls I once cared for who trapped a "deer" in their playhouse. I was drawn to their play by the low hum of something I couldn't make out. When I got closer, I could hear them chanting menacingly, "Let's kill him. Let's kill him. Let's eat him. Let's eat him."

I never quite got over that. And I've never looked at three year old girls quite the same way.

Phoebe said...

Poor Benny :(

Sandy said...

LOL, I love these posts!

Mommy Boots said...

Reminds me of when I used to play Jurassic Park in the woods of my cousins' house as a kid. Except your game involved a lot of biting. Ours involved just randomly running around & screaming.

Amorphis Stream of Consciousness said...

This is deliciously Calvin and Hobbes-esque. Not that comparison is a particular meaningful method of compliment. But bravo!

Anonymous said...

YEAY NEW POST! the drawings of the little girls are gonna junt my dreams... D:

Carol said...

Poor, poor Benny!

Booze is Bad said...

Dammit you all beat me to FIRST!

Hannah said...

You make Children of the Corn look downright wholesome... I heart your insanity and I want to take it home and keep it forever, and feed it Benny's shattered innocence.

YAY!!!

leslie (crookedstamper) said...

HAHAHAHAH! OMG, poor Benny!

Pinkwood said...

Benny got schooled. I'm sure he's a stronger person for this experience ;)

cupcake said...

Haha oh dear, did Benny ever come back? D:

tsuki said...

Haha, I sympathize with Benny after teaching a ballet class for 6-year-old monster children.

Socks said...

I wonder how well dating went for him after that. I envision pre-date questions to include "Do you like wolves?" "Have you ever bitten anyone?" and "Have you had all your shots?"

Paul Eaton said...

Funny how 6 year olds can make an older kid need therapy for years! LOVE IT!

cat song said...

hahahaha, that is hilarious! i love your drawings so much!

Jess said...

LOL.

'Tis all I need to say, really.

Amber said...

BAHAHAHAHA!!! To be continued...

Katy said...

Thanks for the new post.

Blogger just ate my comment but I still wanted you to know I enjoyed it xx

Alicia said...

Never turn your back on kids. They are just little sociopaths looking to destroy.

Although they can be so darn cute while doing it.

Scott Jacobs said...

"we had not yet developed the ability to empathize with the pain and suffering of other people"

To be fair, I'm not entirely convinced you've yet to learn this. :)

ccm2424 said...

Awesome!!! I love the wolf pack pictures :)

Anonymous said...

Your writing is magical <3
~ Sarah

Anonymous said...

Hahaha poor Benny.
I totally remember playing games similar to this, just with less biting and more flailing and screaming.

MichaelC said...

What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and sharp, sharp incisors!!!

Feuer Frei!! said...

freakishly awesome, again!

Lola said...

Haha, We did something like that to one of my brothers a few times.

Jessie Jane Townsend said...

this makes me think of both Lord of the Flies and The Shining. Creeeepy.
Hilarious though!

Yasmine Galenorn said...

Question is: have you ever checked to see if you guys did irreparable damage to Benny's psyche?

*snickers* Great post. Little monsters.

Yasmine

LoverBoy said...

OHMYGOD, poor Benny!

The blank pictures with trees and snow... the anticipation must have been unbearable!

*snerk*

Loved it. You're amazingly clever. Thank you for sharing.

flux biota. said...

Sometimes I play wolfpack with my match.com dates.

Esre said...

What makes this even funnier for me is that my daughter will be 6 in a couple of months and her big brother will still be 13 at her party... which he has to attend...and will have to play with the kids...I wonder if I have enough time to hone my daughters hunting skills...

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOUR CHILDHOOD!!!!!!!

This was incredible. Thanks for making my day, as usual :D

ben said...

this sounds completely familiar and completely terrible. the other day i was jumped on by 2 6-8 year old girls, one in which was smacking me in the face with my very own hat, and the other which was trying to steal my phone and throw it in the pond in which i was mid text to my gf. what is wrong with 6 year old girls

Kat said...

The number of times I've been tricked into being a Benny...

Jessica said...

Poor Benny --- the direct opposite of a one-man-wolf-pack.

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

The way you drew Bennie is exactly how I feel every time I go into the men's locker room at the gym and suddenly feel surrounded by naked 80-year-old men with droopy testicles. Scary stuff...

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT832 said...

I seriously would have crapped my pants! Children scare the hell out of me...even more now after reading this!

BENNY I FEEL YOUR PAIN HOMIE!

Chirag Sangani said...

LOL. Poor guy. I hope you didn't maul him so much as to permanently injure him.

Undisclosed Enlisted Wife said...

OMG! That was the most horrifying thing I've ever read! D:

Hanis Manis said...

one... tow... three.. hey i'm counting, run now or i'll bite you!

hello, i'm far away from malaysia and i have been reading your work since the first day i make my blogspot.

oh ya, my blog is kind of like doodling stuff but not as good as you. ur just my inspiration. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm the eldest of 6 and this reminded me of how when we were kids, during the summer time we would go in the woods and play "Bear". I don't remember the exact rules of the game, but I remember it was more fun and terrifying in the dark, and there was a lot of stealth, growling noises and chasing involved. :)

Louie Neale said...

As a teenage older brother I can more than empathise with Benny. So... much... biting... *WW2 style flashback*

Jimbers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheMolly said...

Both my sister and I showed a similar tenacity for human-chewing. And pretending to be animals that shared that disposition. And generally doing precise and deadly damage to plates of cake.
What I'm saying is, we should get together with some like-minded freaks and play wolfpack. All we need is a prepubescent victim child to be our Benny. Yes.

katy {of} katy loves. said...

Ha, I love it. One of my favorite games as a kid was pretending to be in the olympics..my friends and I would get in position, lift our arms and say "okay, now I do three somersaults and two back flips and land perfectly." Isn't it amazing how easily entertained we were as kids?

Katy said...

I think I did something similar to a babysitter when I was a kid, but it was just me and it somehow involved stickers and punching.

And those are some awesome wolves.

exsoloadsolem said...

I legitimately thought this post would end with you guys stalking Benny home that night, strategically hiding out in his bedroom and making strange "tiny chainsaw" noises while he wept quietly and pulled the covers up over his head, watching the shadows of six-year-old girls with dripping fangs advance on his blanketed, trembling form.

Allie, you're awesome. I've been creeping along for a while now and decided it was high time I comment on a post, since I think I may have had a dream last night in which you and I were blowing bubbles and rolling down a giant hill until we had to run away from a rabid sheep.

... I know. Weird. Please like me anyway.

Kate said...

Evil children!

Anonymous said...

Wow.. poor guy! I wonder if he still thinks back on that day with absolute dread? :) Nice wolves!

Jimbers said...

This is, by far, the scariest thing you've ever written.

Shawn said...

Wow. Just... wow. Great story, vividly painted (in words and in fact). We played this game a lot as kids too, but without the biting. As I was the oldest of several siblings, I would have had no problem smacking the little ones, and they knew it, so they were less concerned with realism.

Amber said...

The image of a little pack of Wolf-Girls stalking this young man through the snowy woods, nigh unto the point of his death, is an image I shall treasure for days. Whenever I need to smile this week, I will remember this. I'm still laughing to the point that I think I may lose bladder control soon. Hilarious!

Jennifer said...

Been there... bitten that...

Stephanie R. said...

AWESOME!!! love your blog so much. be assured, when you publish a book, i will be buying it. and giving it to all of my family and friends, so that they too can appreciate your genius.

Stephanie said...

Ouch.... That sounds *terribly* painful. I bet he still has scars and thinks of you.

Pretty Nerdy Girl said...

Priceless! I wanna play wolf pack now. I wonder if I can trick my brother into it...hmmm...

Morgan said...

I love that Benny's pain and suffering made your birthday celebration so much fun! Hilarious!

Amanda said...

I can totally relate to Benny... I had to help with my cousin's birthday parties and kids are evil. Not to mention that babysitting my cousins was a lot different than babysitting a handful of kids... or any two cousins at the same time. LOL

kaloo said...

Fine wolves. Fine wolves indeed.

Also a funny fun-time story.

Amy's Cooking Adventures said...

Hahaha

Poor Benny, I imagine he was scarred for life!

Rachel Yoke said...

Awesome!

Anonymous said...

This is haunting and delightful and amazingly illustrated all at the same time. BRILLIANT! says I.

Corbin said...

I'm going to read this as soon as I get out of class. I can't be laughing in the middle of it.

Cass said...

Poor Benny! xD

Anonymous said...

Wonder where Benny is now??

Also? I just figured out the yellow Shark-fin on your head is a ponytail!

Love!

Cori said...

Aw, I miss the days of mauling my caregiver. To be a little girl again...sigh.

William said...

This is such a fun post, thanks Allie!

When I read these, I have huge grin from the moment I start for the next 10 or so minutes.

JUST ME said...

Little kids are bloodthirsty.

Take it from a career nanny.

Theresa said...

ha hahahaha, hysterical!!

Danger Boy said...

Absolutely hilarious! I ADORE the stalking pic series, they really heighten the drama! The pulse quickens, as Benny is sure to meet his doom!
Great stuff.
www.dangerousleanings.blogspot.com

melsense.com said...

LOL & I just checked this very morning to see if there was a post (& I don't usually check).

Where the heck did ya'll find poor Benny??? This is hilarious and at my current age of almost 30, I can see myself becoming overwhelmed by a ravenous pack of 6 year olds in much the same way that young Benny was.

I'm surprised he didn't resort to violence. That Benny's a good kid.

haveFaith said...

so glad I found your blog and followed it, I've been reading for a while now and I love this new post.

Man the hours you must have put in to make those pictures look awesome, and the terror on Benny's face is priceless. I think my favorite part was him looking back and no ones there- fucking hilarious.

and I'm sure Benny still has problems with wolves, chainsaws, little girls AND cake. job well done!

Candice said...

Yay! My day is complete! I live for your posts! I reference your "Alot" on a daily basis! I can now laugh instead of cringe whenever I see it :D

xo
Candice
www.theoldladyatheart.blogspot.com

Joy said...

It is probably indicative of my extreme nerdiness that when I read this story, I totally went "OMG, TINY MAENADS! HOW AWESOME!" Unfortunately for Benny, I guess no one informed him of how rough it is to play Dionysus...

*ahem*

Wonderful and lol-worthy as always, Allie.

Robert said...

This was pure Awesome Sauce.

The power of Awesome condensed and purified into a liquid form.

Porkchop said...

Whenever you make a new post I know I'm gonna laugh myself to tears. Never fails.

Also, I love love love the way you draw dogs/wolves/canines.

Lauren said...

Benny had bony little girl arms anyway.

laraine@eddfam.com said...

My brother used to attack me as a charging javalina and I still wake up in terror from it. Now he's a school psychologist

Ginny said...

I lost it at "Benny probably would have tried harder if he knew that losing the game involved so much biting." and never found it again.

My composure is still wandering around in the woods, leaving behind a drooling idiot that cocks its head at the sound of CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.

Anonymous said...

It was hilarious when you drew the wolves depicting the children. xD Poor Benny, he didn't even see that coming.

Anonymous said...

Once again, I have embarrassed myself by trying not to laugh like a crazy person (which only makes me seem more deranged)

Mrs. Obie said...

Makes me hopeful for my daughters to be awesome when they get just a tad older.

Great post!

The Black Dog said...

Now there's a form of birth control right there, make your teens babysit a bunch of 6 year olds who want to play wolf pack. They'll never ever want to have kids.

victoria said...

Flipping hilarious. Absolutely priceless. Thanks!

Zinna said...

That was absolutely terrifying. Worse than anything Wes Craven or Eli Roth could come up with. Which goes to show you, there is nothing scarier than a bunch of freaky-ass children. hahahaha. haha . ha..wimper

Li Ly said...

Hahah Awesome!!!

Brandon said...

Holy crap this may be my new favorite episode.

If you publish these into a book, I will buy it.

Lacey said...

I'm going to ASSume that now Benny is in some sort of controlling S&M relationship, lol.

Dodo said...

Awesomely funny, but I've got a question: which wolf were you? Lol.

TH said...

MAN! Total lord of the flies flashback going on in this post! That's absolutely hilarious... having been in Benny's shoes before I completely empathize with him.

...well, not being chased by a pack of 6 year old girls per se, but being used a babysitter/play toy/story prop. I was laughing all the way through. Great post!

Jes Armstrong said...

Some of your best pictures yet! The wolves and the trees looked great!

Lyra said...

For his sake I hope Benny didn't wind up fathering sny six year old girls!

Joanna said...

Wow. Fantastic. All the little tiny girls with sharp tiny teeth are terrifying, yet adorable.

Karina said...

That would be the kind of movie I would enjoy.

Michael D. Lockhart said...

The wolves are super-cute. I especially like how they are much cuter than the evil six-year olds. Very realistic. Seriously.

Tarvor said...

Benny's problem was that he was afraid to fight back. I know how dangerous a pack of youngons can be, so I would have decided on being a grizzly bear.

Lesley said...

I LOVE the pictures! They are amazing! Poor poor Benny, he had NO idea what he was getting into.

I was a quiet little girl who liked to play games in my mine and ignore most people. But there was the odd instance where I would play SheWoman or My Little Pony with my friends. I think I liked SheWoman the best. We got to beat on the boys. :-D

ali said...

Poor Benny. Poor guy probably has yet to procreate because of this. :)

jamomblog.blogspot.com

Julie said...

Poor Benny! Great story!

Alli said...

Awesome!! This reminds me of the neighborhood boy who agreed to play ninjas with all us littler kids. He never made that mistake again.

Anonymous said...

LOVE the wolf drawings. Awesome.

Redneck Genius said...

Bout time you posted another one

Borden said...

I was having a less than swell day and then I read the new post. Thanks for putting the smile back on my face with your witty sarcastic brilliance . . . well done :)

Kira said...

This is absolutely awesome.
The drawings are really beautiful Allie, especially the ones of the wolves!

Anonymous said...

OMG! I never, before, understood my teenage son's ever growing reluctance to providing casual "childcare" at events we attended!
I suppose I'm going to have to start a trust fund, to cover future therapy visits.
The illustrations are, as always, incredible - the canine head-tilt at the sound of the ever magical word, is sheer genius!
You will soon be reaching Goddess status in our household, if the level of awesomeness is maintained! <3 <3

jaynelc said...

I aways knew you were a bit of a savage! Great post, well worth the wait.

Gillian said...

Seriously, just as i think you can't get any funnier you post this, PLEASE don't ever stop!!!!!!!!!!!
xxxxxxxx

Jess said...

Reminds me of my days as a nanny. One time little Melissa had three friends over for a play date while their parents went out. They decided to play "dinosaur hunter"... and I was the dinosaur. For some reason a successful dinosaur hunt ended with them literally lassoing me around the neck with a piece of twine, hauling me to the ground, jumping on my stomach, and then shoving me under a piece of furniture. My screams of pain and humiliation only excited the little dinosaur hunters further.

SarahHach said...

The anticipation for this blog post was probably at the same unbearable level as Benny felt between each attack. But in a good way. 8D
Now I really want to know you and your 6 year old friends DID ever play with Benny again. If he did ever see you for a second time, I can just imagine him cowering in the corner of a room in fetal position. YIKES.

Kaelen said...

This was very good, but it felt sort of abrupt at the beginning; I think it could use a slightly longer introduction. When did this happen, who's party was it, etc. It sort of seemed like the first paragraph got cut out somehow.

Thatsmagicink said...

That poor Benny! I don't feel too much bad for him though, it could have been worse. You guys could have watched a hyena hunting tactic video and gotten yourselves thrown in seven little solitary confinement cells!!

Angelala said...

I just want you to know that I am having a super-terribly-horrible day, but when a friend notified me of your new post I immediately started grinning at the prospect of a new story. It didn't disappoint! I even laughed! ahahahahahahaha! See!

Thanks. :)

The Scandinavian said...

Being an uncle is like being Benny. I get rewarded with beer and money for babysitting though, because I'm not 13.

echo said...

This just proves that six year-old girls are far more terrifying than real wolves.

Helen said...

Poor Benny...I'm sure you cured any desire he might have for children one day.

Alison said...

haha yessss those are some great looking wolves! the expressions just made me die. in a good way.

Abby-Wan Kenobi said...

Those are definitely the best drawings of wolves I've seen all week.

Note to self: Keep kids away from wolf documentaries. Ditto for sharks, bears, vultures and all types of wild cats.

FireMarshallBill said...

Those wolf illustrations are awesome. For me those were the best parts.

MaryKate said...

Fantastic. I was also a biter as a child, but I called myself a lion instead of a wolf. Wolf pack sounds like a fun game.

At least you didn't have guns.

A Library Girl said...

Thank you, your newest post has cured my headache.

I love your wolf pictures, btw. :)

MsJetson said...

NEVER agree to look after more than two, three kids TOPS. Benny should have known you would go all "Lord of the Flies" on him within minutes.

Francis Hunt said...

Whose woods these are I do not know,
The wolves are in the village though ...

Kitsune said...

O_O

Kids can be so terrifying!

jA said...

ahahahahaha pretty awesome

Tanie said...

This is great. I really love the wolf drawings but the little girls with bared fangs and slavering jowls are good too.

Anonymous said...

hahah I love this!
Is this the same party to which you went heavily sedated after having teeth pulled?

Star said...

Very funny texts and drawings, as all the others before. The forest views are really pretty, too--new technique! Reminds me of my (less physically risky) babysitting, as a teen: fourty million gazillion interminable repetitions of what to me was the same game: kid/animal gets lost, me/babysitter looks and looks, and finally finds lost kid/animal. "It's not the same game! It's a bird/dog/cat/mouse/tiger/horse/etc., and not a...." Hah! How are you able to remember so very clearly what was going on in your head as a little kid? However you do it, please keep writing and drawing. You bring a much needed smile to lots of people (me, too!).
P.S., in the time that it took me to write and preview this message, at least ten other people had posted comments!

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

Luc said...

Every time I leave a comment I get reminded that you can find me...

As always, I read this in a public setting and am laughing uncontrollably. Thanks for always making a fool out of me.

I wish I was as funny as you...

http://lucomg.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Best post EVAR!

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

Anonymous said...

I really like your wolf drawings :-)

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

Claire said...

Poor Benny! Loved this.

Cxx

Kyle said...

well that was terrifying to read...

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

Joelle said...

That picture of scary wolf girls marching after Benny for Round Two is my new wallpaper because I love it SO MUCH.

Biohazard said...

Great job! I love the detail on the wolves, and the suspense you built up in the panels. Great work.

Jules said...

I've never trusted little girls, and I used to BE one! Teenage boys, be very afraid.

The Pineapple Couch: Parlez Vous Statesmahn?

Allie said...

It's just like Lord of the Flies!

Love the pictures - they are so well done.

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

jezebelle said...

Delightful!
Reminds me of recently when I perhaps had a wee bit too much to drink and decided to play zombies vs humans. Pretty sure there was blood. However I lack the creativity to depict the story in such a manner as yourself.

Paige Bianca said...

hahah the wolf/forest pictures are amazing. Poor Benny!

Lady Cynthia said...

Lord of the Flies meets Fancy Nancy! I laughed till my face hurt and my daughter started her usual Allie Brosh asthma attack. You rock, little hobo; you rock with sprinkles, glitter and now, apparently werewolf propensities.

cassie beer said...

This reminds me of the time my little brother & I convinced the babysitter to let us play "barber shop."

I don't think the babysitter actually believed we were going to chop off her hair. But oh, we did.

She never babysat again.

quiltzyx said...

Another post well worth the wait!

Thanks Allie, you have just made my day...

GRRrrrrRRRRRRrrrrRRrrrrRrrr!

Anonymous said...

do people really play wolfpack? we play a bogan version in aus called buildups or gangups (my preferred term) hilarious. love his little facial fuzz.

your blog is awes.

Shandle said...

Poor Benny. I'm glad you gave him such a nice piece of cake after all that mauling. The drawings on this were hilarious!

Simpleton said...

What's the saying here... "Long time reader, first time commenter..."

Well, not exactly long time. I've stumbled upon your more recent posts via various links here and there, and always though them to be awesome. But, I had exams for the past two weeks and remembered "what was that funny pinkish girl comic site called?" Long story short, your blog has been the most helpful procrastination tool ever. I think I've read every last word of it!

As are the rest, this is a hilarious post.

Thanks, and keep it up (or down, or kinda in the middle, wherever you want to keep it really, it's your blog)!

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

Odie Langley said...

I was feeling really sorry for Benny at one point. That was a very well written story. Can't wait for another one. Thanks
Odie

Sayre said...

I'm guessing that Benny never had children as an adult. Now that I think of it... Only one of my five younger brothers ever had children. Could it have been the torture I inflicted on them when we were kids?

P.S. My brother's daughter is now inflicting her own kind of torture on her uncles.... Thank goodness there was only one girl!

Roxanne said...

This was totally awesome. My favorite part? The looks on the children's faces when they heard CAAAAKE!! I was cracking up.

RJMann said...

I have older guy cousins who lived through this on a daily basis. Poor fellas. I'm sure they're going to love this post! A pack of girls is JUST as terrifying as a pack of wolves.

Teacher Mommy said...

I just had one of those awful days when absolutely NOTHING goes right and nothing gets accomplished and one feels more panicked and behind at the end of it than one did at the beginning.

Then I read this story and you saved my life. Or at least my sanity, and the lives of those who love me and expect me to come home to them at the end of the day ready to love them in return.

Rather than growling and mauling them, much like the wolves in this story.

So really, you're a hero. Or heroine. Or something.

June Russell said...

Love it - it needed saying that children are cruel and terrifying (also super creepy and totally capable of finding you)

Anonymous said...

I wonder what happened to Benny... he's probably living in a shack in Montana somewhere, armed to the teeth, just waiting for those wolves to attack again.

StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? said...

I think Allie's posts pretty much trump orgasms.

The build-up is, like, weeks long, and then we are rewarded with wicked MS Paint drawings and her hilarity.

I think I am troubled.

SinfulBliss said...

This almost made me choke on my coffee...

I can remember playing similar games as a kid. Except being the evil children we were and having the whole wilderness of interior Alaska to play in, we would pick the weakest child in our group to play the victim as the rest of us stalked him or her from trees, brush, and other assorted cover....

I remember thinking how genius we all were when we realized that we could stash "weapons" (eg. rocks, sticks, homemade slingshots) in trees and bushes to make our hunt that much more thrilling...

Looking back it sounds more like the plot to a bad slasher flick instead of a game created by the minds of children...

Mich said...

Oh goodness, that poor boy!! You are hysterical.

You really need to post more often. <3

I know you get like a bazillion comments, so I understand if you don't get to answer them, but HOW THE HECK DO YOU MAKE SUCH GOOD DRAWINGS??

The Shanner of Attention said...

God I hope this story is true. Hilarious!

BPope said...

A) I love your blog.
B) I have complete faith in you
C) this was not the best ive read. Just kinda is there. I know you work hard to write funny an interesting stuff, and succeed 9/10. This one's 1/10.
D) Fantastic wolf drawings.

Modestshay said...

I need to know if Benny came back again.

Kathryn said...

this makes me very, very scared
I have endured packs of 5-year-olds and let me tell you, it's got to be much worse than wolves. Wolves break your neck and then it's over.

SailingAway said...

Hahahah awesome.. SWEET wolves by the way. I was seriously impressed. I have a friend that I call Benny so naturally I pictured him being mauled alive by a dozen little girls and couldn't hold back the giggles. Great post!!! :)

Anonymous said...

(Sappy comment alert)
I just wanted to tell you how much your posts brighten my day-and this one-is pure unbridled brilliance.

You are a genius!

And it's a pleasure to meet another evil little girl...

Brandy Rose said...

I'm certain he's still tormented til this day...

Meles said...

The worrying thing about this is that without changing too many of the minor details you'll have the best psychological horror film ever made. . . :D

Elise said...

Allie!!!

Your wolves are amezzin'! I love your pictures soooooo...ooooo...oooo much. You're super ultra fantastic.

Homemaker Man said...

That was so freaky/funny.

Anonymous said...

I have experienced something close to that. The only difference is that it was mind-numbing (tea parties, one-puppet puppet show, etc.) and not at all violent.

Well this is awkward... said...

your posts seriously keep getting better and better. this one, and the Kenny Loggins one, had laughing uncontrollably

Annie said...

WOW! Sounds like an episode of the x-files. only there you'd all be possessed by little green men!

So funny! love it, thanks for the new post :)

Leauxra said...

As a child, I played something similar... but my friends and I called it "moving in stealth", and we did it to strangers. We didn't bite them, but I am sure we scared the shit out of some people. What we were doing running around at night by ourselves is still beyond me.

Mrs. Bitch said...

C'mon, admit it - you only fed Benny his big piece of cake in the hopes of fattening him up and slowing him down for next time.

The pictures of the darting, skulking little she-wolves in the trees is most excellent.

Moog said...

Ah Mah Gahd! Ah Tahtallah Lahve Thas! Thanks for the new post, only today I was re-reading through some of your archive and thinking wowzers, what I wouldn't give to have a blog and a mouse trackpad too... oh. Maybe I COULD give it a go as well! Would be nowhere near as good though. But I am unemployed at the moment and could very well make use of some of the time I'm generally spending eating Nutella on toast, in order to work on comic genius instead.

I do do Improv comedy, and I think you have a very honed sense of comic timing, which I awe, yes I awe it. Anyway, I'm flinging lots of virtual respect at you across the Atlantic, from Lahndahn Ahngland.
Peas x

Meles said...

P.S.
Love the wolves, they're all of the awesomes.

lauren scheuer said...

you are just totally the awesomest.

Jen at Cabin Fever said...

So freakin' hilarious...

Cabin Fever in Vermont

Kelsey said...

This should totally be in slideshow format. I got way too impatient and skipped through the snow scenes entirely too fast... I must learn to savor. It's much more enjoyable that way. (Hehe... that's what she said)

Shell said...

Perfect.

Naturality said...

Would it be too obvious to say 'it's a lie'?

Anonymous said...

I've been following you since the road trip with dogs - my favorite. Very clever viewpoints - both verbal and visual. I love the drawing looking down on the girls with all their teeth showing. Like pirana.

How do you draw these? Are they virtual or do the drawings exist in the real world?

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

Such cute little girls with such sharp little teeth.

Leah Daniels said...

Poor Benny!

Xander said...

Uhg, I remember situations like these in my past, but I actually never got bitten. Jumped on, yes, tickled until I burst into tears, yes, even punched maybe...

Poor Benny...

Alexa Hamilton said...

Heehee Great artwork! So funny.

Kristian said...

I'm sure every male who's had to play games with younger children can empathise with this.

We're always the 'fun' ones. FUN FOR WHO?!

[Great post!]

HavenNyx said...

Never underestimate the power of... CAKE! and frosting, frosting is very important too.

Annie said...

The picture of all the girls with their heads cocked to the side as they heard the word "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE" made me pee a little.

Thanks :)

Vic said...

GOD IT'S SO SCARY AND WONDERFUL

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