Wolves

Benny came to the birthday party because his mom had volunteered him to help supervise the children. He must have felt out of place being the lone teenage boy amidst a flock of over-excited six-year-old girls, but we welcomed his presence. We saw him as a sort of prop that we could manipulate in our imaginary games - a living, breathing human that would submit to pretending to be whatever we wanted it to pretend to be. On that particular day, we wanted to play a game called "wolf pack" which we had invented after watching a documentary about the hunting tactics of wolves.

We swarmed Benny as he was preparing to pour himself a glass of apple juice.


As a 13-year-old boy, Benny probably did not relish the idea of wasting an entire day entertaining us. But he was a good-natured young man, and he had agreed to help keep us out of trouble, so he reluctantly asked us what we wanted to play.

Us:  "Wolf pack!" 

Benny: "How do you play 'wolf pack'?" 

Us: "We're the wolves and you're the deer. We close our eyes and count to twenty and you run away. Then we try to find you and catch you!"

Benny:  "Okay. Where do you want to play?" 

Us:  "In the forest!" 

Benny followed us outside and we led him deep into the vast expanse of backwoods wilderness that was to be our playing field.  We reached a small clearing and decided to start the game there.  We yelled at Benny, "Now run away!"  

And we began to count.  

Benny scurried off into the forest, calling out behind himself to help make the game easier for us.  He thought we would have trouble finding and catching him.  


What Benny did not know was that we were incredibly serious about the realistic aspects of "wolf pack."  In our wildly vivid imaginations, we were actually wolves and Benny was actually a deer. 


We found him almost immediately.   


Benny probably would have tried harder if he knew that losing the game involved so much biting.  But he did not expect that the game would be so true to life. I'm sure it was quite painful for him, but that was a necessary casualty for the game to feel convincing and fun.  

Benny fought bravely, but there were too many of us and he was handicapped by his reluctance to punch and kick a bunch of six-year-olds. We wrestled him to the ground and bit him repeatedly until we were satisfied that we had "killed" him.


At that point, Benny had two options: he could stand there and try to reason with us until we finished counting and mauled him again, or he could flee and try to find his way back to the safety of the house before we caught him. 

Benny chose fleeing.  

But it was starting to get dark and the woods were unfamiliar to Benny.  There were labyrinths of footprints, left behind from our previous forest adventures, providing a confusing web of false trails.  He desperately clawed his way through the underbrush in a random direction that he hoped was the right one, but he only had twenty seconds and things weren't looking good for him.  We finished counting and took off after him. 


Benny was faster than us, but we greatly outnumbered him and we were able to strategically "herd" him into a clearing where we surrounded him and went in for the kill.  


Benny had severely underestimated our hunting and maiming capabilities.  We were not like ordinary little girls who frittered away their time hosting tea parties and pretending to be princesses.  We had spent countless hours out in the forest, sharpening our hunting tactics on imaginary prey and we finally had an opportunity to put all of our practice to use on a real thing that would run away from us and struggle for survival.  Unfortunately for Benny, we had not yet developed the ability to empathize with the pain and suffering of other people, and his terrified fleeing was pretty much the most fun thing that had ever happened to us. 

Once again, we let him stand up after we were satisfied that we had bitten him enough times.  


It became clear to Benny that he was going to have to play the game over and over and over until he could find his way back to the house.  He had to make the most of the 20 seconds we gave him to flee and try to make as much progress as possible in between maulings.  

We were exhausted from all of the chasing, but we weren't ready to stop playing, so we began to rely much more heavily on stealth. We stalked Benny through the darkening woods, waiting for him to make himself vulnerable to attack.


The psychological torment of waiting to be attacked was almost worse than the attacks themselves.  We darted around in the shadows, snapping twigs and making strange growling noises.  We sounded like tiny chainsaws.  

We would have continued to torture Benny for hours, possibly even days, but our parents called us home for birthday cake.


We cared about cake more than we cared about Benny, so we abandoned him in the woods and ran back to the house. Benny heard us being called, but he couldn't see where we went from his hiding spot. He tried to follow our shrieking voices, but just ended up getting turned around.

At first, no one noticed that we had arrived back at the house without Benny, but the topic did eventually come up.

My mom: "Where's Benny?"

Us: "Outside." 

My mom: "Doesn't he want some cake?"

Us: "No." 

My mom: "He should at least come inside and get warm..." 

Us: "He's fine." 

We didn't actually know if Benny was okay, but we wanted cake and talking about Benny wasn't bringing us any closer to that goal. 

 Eventually, the adults went looking for him. They tromped into the woods with flashlights, yelling "BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!" They were startled to hear loud crashing and branches snapping behind them, but it turned out to be Benny. He stumbled into the pool of light cast by the flashlight.


Benny's mom:  "Benny, what are you doing?" 

Benny: "Where are they?" 

My mom:  "The girls?  They came back an hour ago, are you still out here looking for them?" 

Benny: "No." 

Benny's Mom: ".... Well, you should really come up to the house, sweetie. It's cold out here."  

And so Benny got to come back to the house. When he walked through the door, we ran over to him and hugged his legs. "Bennybennybennybenny!" we shrieked. Bennybennybennybennybennybenny! We brought him a huge piece of cake on the most special plate we could find, and we watched him eat it to make sure he was enjoying it.


When he finally had to go home, we cried out after him, "Benny, are you coming back?  When are you coming back to play with us?"  Benny's mom remarked about how cute it was that we loved him so much, "isn't that just adorable, Benny? They really seem to like you!"  She assured us that Benny would come back to play with us soon.  

1,167 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   601 – 800 of 1167   Newer›   Newest»
kady said...

oooh, I am so glad you're back! I was just starting to wonder if the ice bears or the (gulp) orc rapists had gotten you. I am so relieved!!

I must say, BPope sucks eggs, Alot. Don't read his/her comment; he/she is clearly just a jealous loser.

Rachel Kennett Person Extraordinaire said...

Yay! your posting again!

Marta said...

Hello! Your posts are amazing and this one is so beautifully wicked!! *O*

Anonymous said...

LMAO!! I swear my childhood was filled with moments just like that, terrorizing my sister's friends.

Anonymous said...

Having been a Benny nurmerous times myself I'm surprised this doesn't horrify me. Instead I'm cracking up!
On another note: YAY wolves! They are my favorite animals and I LOVE those pictures. Please put them on a T-shirt or a mug!

Joanie Rich said...

Benny got off pretty easy if you ask me! All things considered he could have met something else in the woods. Or everyone could have forgotten about him. Or you guys could have wanted to play something worse...

As always your sketches are amazing - I love the forest ones the best with Benny standing there freaking out. I was laughing so hard!

People always picture children's games as fun and innocent. That's because they're safe inside watching from the windows...

Unknown said...

I'm glad I read this one in the daytime.

www.colmoregan.com

a400m_runner said...

Beautiful drawings of the wolves. Really captured the essence of a wolf pack.

KatyM said...

the second wolf pic definitely needs to be a t-shirt. little girls with bared fangs on the back.

Carpinttas said...

Just awesome, you are the best...

Mother Theresa said...

Yeah, for six year-old girls cake is still more powerful than boys. Now, if you had been 13 year-old girls, things might have been different...and there probably would have been much less biting going on! Or maybe not! ;)

Zoqueta said...

Poor Benny....
I must say, the wolves' drawings are just amazing! XDDD
And I'm with Annie, that one is great xDDDD

Greetings from Argentina! :D

arieldreyer said...

Reminds me of my 3rd grade dog days when we would go around humping tall people's legs.

Ariel
arieldreyer.tumblr.com
arieljdreyer@gmail.com

Jen said...

Please oh please say you're going to make a shirt out of the 6-year-olds with fangs!

Fred Miller said...

This can get dangerous. I was playing a similar game with some little kids one day. I was wearing an arrowhead belt buckle made from cast iron. Poor little girl chipped her tooth on it. I felt bad then, but now I laugh. I deserve to mauled.

Melodious said...

Last night, after reading this, I had dinner with my niece, who is 7. At one point, she growled and tried to bite me. I asked why, and she said, "Because you tried to touch my nose." Like that made sense and was completely to be expected.
Little girls are just like wolves. :)

Caitlyn said...

I think you and the girls should get together and hunt down Benny - use Google, call his mom - then invite him out for a bite!

If he accepts your invitation you should all give him $4 million for therapy.

River and Rain said...

Wow...
Poor, poor Benny...

Makes for a great story later, though :D I don't think I ever did that as a kid. I hope I didn't. I have to say, for a 13 year-old boy stuck at a birthday party, it sounds like he was pretty good about it!

Lynn N said...

This is one of the reasons why I don't have kids. They are EVIL!

This entry was also a great reminder of why I don't read Hyperbole and a Half while drinking coffee. *goes to grab a tissue to wipe the hysterical-laughter-spit coffee off the laptop*

Yet another fabulous entry! Thank you!

Auntie Mame said...

My niece says this reminds her of her childhood. I'm wondering what I missed.

Big Poppa Ben said...

This is brilliant. The posts keep getting better and better!

I don't care whether it's right or wrong, I'd just start gut-punching six-year-olds at that point.

Mia Orlando said...

You are WONDERFUL at drawing wolves.
I am in an advanced AP art class, and still have a ridiculous amount of trouble drawing them.
by the way, i sort of love you. I've gone back and read all of your blogs since you first started.
(said the creeper)

pKp said...

Sheer awesomeness. As always.

Kids are terrifying little sociopaths.

Marisa said...

What I want to know is if Benny is still in therapy and does he still hide from little girls?

Matthew Glidden said...

"Sugar and spice and a thirst for venison / that's what little girls are made of."

Great work!

April said...

OMG, poor Benny! I hope that as they years went on he eventually forgave you!

LunaThePirate said...

You look quite ferocious in that 24th picture Allie. It always makes my day when I see you've made a new post. Thanks so much for that :)

Unknown said...

Jeezy creezy. I have laughed and laughed hard at most of your posts but this one...I had trouble catching my breath. I'm still giggling...which in hindsight is kind of unsettling...laughing at demented children tormenting a teenager.

xanadian said...

Dear lord. That was frightening. I think it was the 24th pic in your post...the way you drew yourself w/ those teeth nearly made me pee my pants.

...

Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating. But what else did you expect from a blog with "hyperbole" in its name?

xanadian said...

@Dumblond: I hear tormenting teenagers is great sport. I can't wait til my son is a teen. Then I can dream up ways of RUINING HIS LIFE FOREVER, DAD!!!! YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING FOREVER!!!!

odasetr said...

Phew, and i thought i was the only one who played these kinds of games. XD

Nicos said...

This is the best thing I've read of yours. Incredibly funny and terrifying and true.

Congratulations

Rin Liddel said...

rofl rofl rofl rofl

L said...

It is COMPLETELY worth the wait in between your posts. SO HILARIOUS.
I can't wait for when you come out with T-shirts with the little wolf girls on them. :)

Favorites:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/TTQegiWEnVI/AAAAAAAAEXY/WoVEPeTVHNs/s1600/wolf.png

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/TTPSaffTw5I/AAAAAAAAEW4/GqKvxHnlJpM/s1600/wolf42.png

Katie said...

Awesome new post. Kind of haunting though =) Agree with the PP, your drawings of the woods are really powerful.

Anonymous said...

At least now he's prepared for the dating world.

Anonymous said...

OMG freaking hilarious!

Charley Robson said...

Haha, oh poor Benny! I feel sorry for him because I've been in a similar situation .. except I was a zebra being hunted by a pack of lions.

You are just too funny for words Alli xD

TabbyKat said...

my favorite part is the perked up wolf/girl ears when "caaaaaaaaaakkkke" is being yelled.....hahahahaha!!

Austin said...

You had the best childhood. This reminds me of one of my little cousins recent birthday parties a year or two ago. Me and my brother were the only kids there who werent 6 or 7 year old girls, and my brother was a few years older, so I ended up playing with them. It consisted of us running around the house in circles. After that, when we were outside, I got blasted in the eye by a high pressure hose. Not fun.

Anonymous said...

i played a similar game with my friend. only it involved the two of us righteously beating an evil digimon out of my twin brother, because it had possessed him. we were convinced. oh, poor michael. he never had any idea that he was even playing a game...(or maybe it wasn't a game...o.O)

Anonymous said...

....HOLY.....SHIT....

He desperately clawed his way through the underbrush in a random direction that he hoped was the right one, but he only had twenty seconds and things weren't looking good for him.

This is my favourite line ever written. Most Freaking Primo blog on earth!!!!

Strugglecity said...

Cake?
Seeing that you had written a new post ("post" does not do your stories justice) actually made my day. Then I read it, and almost peed. Amaze-balls. Your drawings really are incredible, and I feel like I can see into your thought process. If I got some fellow 25-yr-old girls to play wolf pack with a 13 year old boy.. it would be frowned upon.. sadly.

Metrophor said...

Oh my god, I remember doing something like this when I was a kid. Except we were Utahraptors, and if I recall correctly there were three boys we used as 'prey'.
I'm sure I gave my parents cause to rue the day I heard the name 'Robert Bakker'.
Good times. XD

Anonymous said...

Shades of babysitting my nieces and nephews.

Now I remember why I never wanted kids.

Your stories and artwork are the best.

--Toni N.

Birdy: The Mighty said...

I feel badly for Benny... and yet I relish his misfortune. What an awesome story!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I want to find out if Benny ever DID actually come back.

Though if he was in his right mind, I would really understand if he didn't. Sounds terrifying-if you're the deer. Hahaha he's a "deer" soul. 8D

Puns!

Anna Campbell said...

Cake=good
Wolf Pack=bad

PixiePix said...

That's insane. Did he ever get over the trama?!

Angie - Big Bears Wife said...

bahahahahahaha.... I LOVED THAT! Your post always make laugh out loud, and always in public haha


Angie-Bigbearswife
www.bigbearswife.com

Anonymous said...

The picture with Benny hiding behind the tree and the little girl with the purple croutching down behind him made me nearly pee my pants. Hilarious.

Louise said...

Damn. You are an artist.
I am the oldest of five children, all born within the same decade. You are absolutely correct in the bloodthirsty violence that cpre-pubescent children exhibit. especially girls against boys.

I remember playing "Hunter" in the Catholic schoolyard. It consisted of girls chasing the boys and kicking them as hard as they could in the shins. Every Fall, throwing rotten apples at the members of the opposite sex was the preferred form of recess play.

I think that on some level, young girls hate males. They hate that males are more important. They hate that males won't play with them, and make fun of them,and seem to have better futures waiting ahead. Every young girl has her reasons.

It all comes out in the behavior of packs of feral girl-children.

Benny has seen a vision of the potential of violence in the Female that finally gets power over a male representative. It probably haunted his view of his female relationships all through his 20s and 30s.

kinnery said...

I KNEW my fear of six year olds was legitimate!

Anonymous said...

*wipes away tears*
The last picture with nothing but the tracks in the snow is simply awesome.

Evil Twin said...

You were right -- those are fantastic drawings. You've mastered the art of "scrolling down the page with anticip-p-pation"!

Cait said...

I *do* think this is one of your stronger pieces, and I love the pacing. The way you draw wolves is also SUPER AWESOME SHINYNESS.

eli said...

So wonderful, once again. "We sounded like tiny chainsaws," was my favorite line, hahahahaha.

Anonymous said...

I think you must have been one of my long-lost elementary school playmates.

Unknown said...

I LOVE THIS!!! As a child, I was a freakish wolf expert, so I'm kind of confused why I never actually played something akin to wolf pack.

Also, that same inner-child LOVED your wolf drawings :)


rebeccaslists.blogspot.com

Jess said...

LOVE IT, and so appropriate that you posted this today - it's my birthday! Thanks for the awesome birthday present. :P

RaelSun said...

Absolute funniest one I've ever read. I could not stop laughing the entire time. This made my day.

Emily Lopuch said...

Sweet Holy Goodness this post is hilarious. Love love love your stalking-through-the-trees segment. It rocks.

The Jules said...

Loved this!

Of all Benny's injuries, I bet the tattered shreds of his confidence were the most character building!

Anonymous said...

I don't know, I prefer the ones NOT about your childhood, I think the more current ones are funnier. Am I alone in this? Who cares.

Neko said...

I'm really really really grateful that you posted this yesterday since today was the funeral of my great grandmother and I NEEDED this.

kisekileia said...

This is awesomely hilarious, primarily because Benny was big enough that he COULD have fought back. A few people have posted stories in the comments about doing similar things to peers, and that's not funny--that's just bullying. The not-so-funny part of the original post is that Benny may have felt that he couldn't fight back because it wasn't OK to hit little girls, so the experience may actually have scarred him. However, on balance I'm coming down on the "funny" side because he really could have fought back if they were threatening serious injury.

Ali said...

hahahaha I wonder where Benny is now

Esther said...

LOLZ I love how they all move their heads to the side simultaneously. You made a great wolf pack. (I don't know if that's a compliment)

Anonymous said...

It's strange how some of these blogs achieve this kind of cult status. What exactly is making you all laugh out loud at this? A bunch of girls playing hide-and-seek with a teenage boy, only when they find him, they try to bite and scratch him. And then they act like it didn't happen at a birthday party in the end. That's it. That's the whole story. No real jokes, and basically the same 3 or 4 simple drawings repeated about 10 times each with minor alterations. I'm not seeing what's so incredibly funny about this. I get the feeling this person could draw pictures of a girl on a swing, and you all would write, "When she went up, and then down, and then up again, I laughed so hard I cried. Brilliant! I did that when I was a child too!!! LOL! LOL! LOL!"

Kristin EM said...

i love the way the tension slowly builds and Benny's expression gradually becomes utterly terrified. And the frame where the wolf pack hears the call for cake is so perfect.

Niki said...

...and i'm guessing that poor kid never showed up again, right?

magical confetti said...

lmfaoooo i think i just died of laughter.

Kim said...

Drawing "wolf29" made me almost choke on my toasted sandwich! Brilliant, as always.

Katherine Isham said...

Oh my god, poor Benny. I kind of want to give him a hug.

But hey, wolf pack is probably the coolest game ever.

Anonymous said...

Oooh! I was so looking forward to a new blog from you and you definitely delivered pure awesomeness. Much love. You have brightened my day.

*big stupid grin*

FoxkitSA said...

Oh man, you must have given the poor boy such a nightmare.

But everyone should know that little girls are the most terrifying creatures of all :)

Anonymous said...

s-so many teeth... D;

Karen Michelle said...

I remember doing similar things, but I recall that our games involved dingoes. Six year old girls should not be allowed to watch nature documentaries...

amy said...

Completely and wonderfully hilarious, as usual. I love your blog- I keep bringing you new followers. (That sounds a little creepy and cultish, doesn't it?)

Lauren Taylor said...

So great. Your illustrations in this one were excellent, and I loved it coming from Benny's perspective. I always get so excited when you have a post, do more!!!

Anonymous said...

This is definitely one of my favorite posts of yours.

I've never left a comment before, because you usually get hundreds of comments adoring you or your writing or both, but this particular post struck me, so I had to post my own comment this time.

I have played this very game. My friends and I loved wolves as children and always liked to pretend to be them (although most of our game time was spent describing what our wolf-selves looked like). However, when we got a bit older, we still wanted to play wolves, but rather than just running and chasing 'prey', we decided it would be much more efficient to hunt with bows and arrows.

So, unbeknownst to our parents, we sharpened sticks to deadly points and crafted bows out of long branches that we tied with fishing line.

We made my younger sister be the 'deer' and it was a lot of fun chasing her around until she actually started bleeding and crying from our sharpened twigs poking her repeatedly.

On a side note, your blog is always awesome, and in this post, I quite liked the evil 6 year-old faces with fangs.

Jessica said...

I love Benny's 13-year-old starter beard!

Fred Drinkwater said...

1. I must communicate with my daughter to let her know that 1.5H has achieved a new high.
1.1 I would have guessed, previously, that a new high was not (even theoretically) possible.
1.1.1 Obviously, I was wrong.
1.1.1.1 so wrong...
2. I will be very unhappy if you stop writing and drawing.
2.1 But I am genetically related to Benny (XY, you know) and so why should you care...
2.1.1 uh oh. teeth, and ?
3. Get thee to an agent, ASAP.

Hollie said...

I just got done reading all your back posts.. Work has been boring..don't judge me. I have to say this is my favorite story of them all. Even better than the Slow Dog moving story! The image of those girls with heads cocked and rows of sharp teeth bared with haunt my dreams tonight!
thank you Allie

Holly Marie said...

i totally love this!!! and your wolves, awesome!

did you ever see Benny again? do you have contact with him now, or did he go insane and get locked up?

Holistic Adventures said...

OMFG, I couldn't breathe for laughing at this one - my boyfriend now thinks I'm totally nuts too lol, he's never seen me laugh so hard at anything!!

It's the pictures - they're just so awesome!

kPg said...

I hope the next post won't take too long. You're a genius! I love you!

Anonymous said...

Allie, thank you for making me almost pee my pants laughing again.

Jen said...

Omigosh, that was hilarious! No surprise there... you're a genius, Allie. :D

Kat said...

We've been having some serious health problems in our family recently, so when I recently stumbled on your blog, it was exactly what we needed to lighten up a little in a time of great stress. You have a gift, and I am very grateful that you are sharing with the rest of us!

Anonymous said...

Do you still know Benny today?

CDNT said...

Thank all that which does not suck a new post from Allie Brosh!!! You've made my day ... AGAIN! Seriously thanks.

the Yeti said...

Allie, Allie... I found your blog on I-A-B and have been hooked to it since then.. honest, I have never read something so self-depracatingly funny in years ( depracatingly isnt a word but i invent it in your honor)


You sure shall be famous-er than Justin Bieber (as fire was in old days).

Love you loads.. greetings from India..

Landyn said...

I wish I was cool enough to do this as a kid.

Also, I tried to share your blog on Facebook and it told me it was blocked to do offensive content. So points for you. :)

tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

Every story I read I hope and pray that there is ample embellishment within them... :) Awesome visuals and great story!

Anonymous said...

I kept hearing "come play with us" in the voices of the REDRUM twins from The Shining!

Gabriel said...

Haha, you sounded like such an interesting kid. Poor Benny.

Karen said...

Hysterical! Little girls are ruthless!

Ania Rager said...

Hahaha! I love it! That's exactly how I was at 5 years old. I loved anyone older than me, except for old grandparents and parents... O.O

Tasha Chiasson said...

Gawd this is amazing!
After seeing The Lion King in theaters my 4 year old self thought I was a lion. XD

Unknown said...

Haha! That is totally how I acted as a 6 year old! I loved anyone older than me except for the creepy old people that get in your face or other kids parents that think they control you... O.O

Anonymous said...

Dude, I really think little girls need outlets for testing and proving their physical strength just as much as boys do. I too was a fierce and formidable small person and did this kind of stuff alll the time. My parents should seriously have put me in some kind of hand-to-hand combat class.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I was never quite like that as a child. I tended to stray away from the violent ones, and I've had something resembling empathy for as long as I can remember. There's a difference between being boisterous and actually hurting people. Though one of my more retarded friends did actually hit my dad 'down there'. I have no idea to this day how he restrained himself.

I liked older people that treated me with respect and didn't patronise, and ones who would actually engage me in proper conversation. I guess in that sense, I've almost always been more "adult".

From an imaginative perspective, though, it sounds like it must've been really damn fun. If you kind of... forget that Benny was a person.

Hyperbole always throws me, because I don't know how much is actually hyperbole. The social commentary-type stuff always cracks me up though.

Isabelle Wright said...

Your drawings of the wolves are startlingly detailed. Are you all right?

Unknown said...

AHHHHHHHHHHH! Poor Benny. Poor Poor Benny you and your friends were the MOST AMAZING SIX YEAR OLDS EVER. But I used to do the same things...ish. Well I was never the typical "play with dolls and tea parties" kind of girl, but I dont know how extreme I actually went with my hunting games. Anyway, I think it's kind of amazing how on the first day of your post you get 700 comments. NEW POST: win.

Anonymous said...

MORE!!!!!

Junita said...

You make me seem so much saner. I love it.

Anonymous said...

Wait did Benny ever come back?? Or did you traumatize him for life?

Anonymous said...

Mooorrrre :] I love love love your stories and experiences :] and I got into reading them and read them all and then your gone forever :O

Anonymous said...

Awesome post. Truly. I, like many commenters looooved the picture with the girls' heads cocked, listening to the call for cake.

As a preschool teacher, I can tell you for a fact that children totally have a pack mentality and hardwired prey drive. I know that if I start running on the playground, they will (and do) start chasing me until they've cornered me or cut me off and will then hug me to the point of falling over.

kame-chan said...

this is a winner! :)

DizHere said...

.... This actually reminds me of hide and seek when I was a kid. I might have nightmares tonight O__o

Ricardo Jorge said...

Ha ha, so awesome. Looks like an horror movie xD
Poor Benny

bright_eyes said...

Oh my gosh. Hilarious. I'm sure my post will be lost in the millions of other people congratulating your awesome, but I still feel the need to say it.

OhWowThatWasSoFunnyIThinkMyHeadMightExplodeFromTheWinAndI'mKindOfMadAtMyWindarForNotTellingMeYouHadANewPostSooner
Haha, Capitalized Words.

Anna said...

Your Paint wolves are so pretty! :D

Gill said...

LOL we used to torment an older kid at my school with a game like this during recess...Except we were raptors. I'm not even kidding, we created two games, one where we were native Americans and built tee-pees (spelling?) and made piles of leaves (????) , and another where we were a bunch of dinosaurs. It always ended up being two groups, one consisting of the most dominant personalities (I ended up here, cuz I played with boys more, and because I was LOUD), and we were the velociraptors from Jurassic park, and the other group. I suppose they were whatever they wanted to be, of course most kids ended up running around yelling about how they were actually some other dinosaur, but ultimately our side would have a rock or something to symbolize an egg, or we'd steal that from the other side. Anyways, whoever had the egg had to defend it. This kid we always picked on was always designated to carry the egg, (this took place in the woods behind our school btw) and was basically a team on his own. The minute he had it, both teams were against him. Our battle strategy ultimately became long term...and we wrapped the egg in poison ivy. Idk how we did it without getting it ourselves, but I do remember him being out of school for a while, and coming back in with a full face and arm rash =(

wilsonyhernandez said...

Did Benny ever come back to play?

Kata said...

oh em eff gee, this totally needs to be in the Best Of like right away because dear god I could not stop laughing. XD that poor, traumatized boy. i was totally one of those wolf-pack 6-year-olds, except that instead of wolves we were snow leopards and tigers and lions and shit, and we would fight on our parents' giant bed when we weren't outside in the jungle. :D But yes, those faces are besto.

Anonymous said...

OMG SHE WAS GNAWING ON HIS HEAD!!!

This one was hilarious, yet very, very disquieting.

Awesomepants.

Amanda said...

Absolutely hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

do you and your friends still work together? I have a job for you... name your price and i'll give you the address

Genius prodigy said...

Dude this thing is hilarious! I have no shame so I'm just gonna say it. Check out my blog
http://icanhazbestseller.blogspot.com/

2400katbutler said...

I LOL'd my pants.

Anonymous said...

I honest to God suspected this was going to be your "Story of How My Friends and I Herded an Innocent Teenager to His Death by Falling".

Pegs said...

I read this post today. And tonight we took our Sparks troop outside to play (They're the youngest, 5-6 yr old members of Girl Guides/Scouts in Canada).

And what d'yknow? At one point they started howling like wolves. Freaked me out a bit.

Audrey said...

This is hilarious! I'm all too aware of the crazed energy of overenthusiastic kids.

Jj said...

Thank you so much, this was sooo great. We played games like that too, little kids are such freaks. We had one called Bloody murder and it was basically hide and seek and when you got found you had to scream at the top of your lungs. Our poor parents. We thought it was awesomeness.

Ticker said...

ONE...

Ticker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ticker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

There are no words for how happy I am every time you put up an entry.

Erica said...

So I was reading your blog, and I accidentally highlighted it without realizing it, and then I was like, "why is her blog all blue tinted?" And then I was super confused, but I thought it was pretty cool but then I realized that it was just all highlighted but I still thought it was pretty cool so I wanted to let you know that you're blog would still be cool even if it was bluish. So there.

Angela said...

That second panel of the vicious little girls changint "One..." slayed me. :-)

Virginia Berg said...

... and Benny was never seen again.

Anonymous said...

So I have come up with the perfect job for you. You need to do the storyboards for animated movies. I love the "camera angles" you use in your stories and how you can show everyone what's happening with a simple pause screen then "one". You're fantastic and you absolutely make my day ^-^

Anonymous said...

i laughed so hard fried rice came out of my nose. thanks!

allisa said...

when i was in the second grade i bit a boy classmate of mine on the arm. it was completely called for, i was a wild and majestic horse and he was the mean and controlling owner. i had to escape from him, it was my destiny to be wild and free. biting him was the only way out. well, the "owner" got very angry and tattled. The teacher didn't believe in animal justice and brought forth a harsh lecture, which broke the wild and majestic horse down to a pool of tears and dribble. thanks for helping me remember how much fun childhood was. keep up the great work, i think you're great. :) p.s. i grew up in northwest montana, were our imaginations a little more zany in the woods? i think so.

Anonymous said...

I'm married but I'm still in love with you, Allie.

I always show my wife your posts too, so no need to get extra creepy and find me... I'm not a stalker.

But shit.

I love your crazy ass.

Sincerely,
Brad

p.s. send me nudie pics!

p.p.s. j/k

p.p.s. unless you want to lol

Anonymous said...

This is so awesome! I wish I'd been more social as a kid, because I totally should've played wolf pack. Heck, I have a coworker just about naive enough to play the deer. Maybe I can get some friends together...

Also, the wolves are drawn GORGEOUSLY. You amaze me, Allie.

Did Benny ever come back and play with you guys again, or was he petrified for life?

Anonymous said...

That's terrible...
=[

Aleksandra said...

So, I've never commented before, but the time has come.

I read an interview (maybe?) with you where the interviewer compared you to David Sedaris. I subsequently picked up some of his books and after plowing through them, I'm sorry, but he's got nothing on you.

This was another brilliant one. Small children really are sociopaths, aren't they?

White Hooder said...

I wonder, did Benny come back later for the sake of another cake? Hahhahahhaa...

The Genie said...

This is beyond Hilarius! I look forward to your next post! :D
http://www.outsidethebottle.blogspot.com (Please follow me :D )

TheShortOne said...

I really hope the real "Benny" finds this post. Maybe it will give his suffering some meaning...

A said...

Poor Benny...i felt so sorry for him. Children can be so destructive but so cute too.
Anyway love this post as always.

A said...

Poor Benny...i felt so sorry for him. Children can be so destructive but so cute too.
Anyway love this post as always.

eiaculazione precoce said...

Ji from Italy, help me? :))

Anonymous said...

Really creepy and true-to-life.

Unknown said...

For awhile now a friend of mine has been emailing me links to this site, providing a comedy totem to ward off the crapitude of a bad day. I came to look forward to them, perhaps over-stressing minor events (paper cuts, heavy work load, a disproving look from my cat) in the hope of securing another laughing-til-my-sides-hurt-might-have-wet-myself-a-little-bit-and/or-expelled-brain-matter-through-my-nose from my very kind buddy.....And then it hit me (took me embarrassingly longer than it should have) that I was a lazy heifer and could go to the site myself. It was a revelation....but one that shall, I fear, lead to my downfall.

That first click on the the Best-Of's was a firm kick into this downward spiral into Addiction (with a capital A. You see that? CAPITAL. >vein in eye twitches<) I'm obsessed....in an entirely platonic, non-lesbian, mild but safe level of creepy, worshiping your genius and gobbling up every post kind of way. School? Job? Friends? Family? Hyper but ultimately adorable pets? Pffft. Who cares? I'll be spending the rest of my days in a darkened corner of my room, my bloodshot eyes pinned to this screen.

You're brilliant-intelligently funny, which is like, unicorn-rare these days. I've never laughed so hard. Such concentrated Epicosity in one place is hard to take...like mint chocolate chip (or other leg-twitch worthy frozen treat of your choice)after years of only vanilla. All this success of yours? It's not a fluke, not a trick. You're Just. That. Good.(Eff doctors!) I've got my fingers crossed to see a book of these on a shelf soon, and will happily give a click on any ad I see. That sound you hear? Millions of knees hitting the ground.

Totty said...

Cake = totally worth to have a bunch of 6 years old maim you...

[GREAT POST]

Kat said...

I totally used to play that game....

Angela said...

Again, amazing. You're story telling and illustrations make me laugh out loud, enough to make my fiance wonder if I'm going insane... again. ;o)

Unknown said...

The cake......... is a lie.

Unknown said...

YESSS! I was hoping for a new post today, and this DID NOT disappoint!

Zoe said...

Hahaha, poor Benny! I bet he's never forgotten that experience.

Ed said...

Your drawings are what make this story Awesomer.

unicorns_and_glitter said...

OMG, the picture of the "wolves" coming after Benny is priceless. I just love the sharp toothed little girls with bright colors and rainbows. XD

DionneAriane said...

I <3 Benny, for going through all of that!

Your drawings/ paintings are AWESOME!!! Epic :)
Thank you for my first smile/ laughs for the day!

Srita. de la Corcuera said...

How did everyone's parents fail to notice all the teeth marks?

Unknown said...

omg, epic post, Allie! Please, please don't stop!

Nerdy Goth Girl said...

All I can think of when reading this is any scene from "Village of the Damned" with those creepy kids or the scene from "Freaks" where they are all chanting ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

LMAO I love it!!

MsGinaMay said...

LOL! I really think you should look Benny up on Facebook and see if he has maintained emotional scars from this. ;P

Jillers said...

You know, I never played tea party... in fact, I think I want to play this pack of wolves game right now. I'm gonna' find some friends and a 13 year old. BBL

Jonathan said...

Every time I go to your page and see that there's a new post my life just lights up. You should be able to write your blog off on your taxes as 'charity work' and get a nice return :p

~J

Anonymous said...

Poor Benny:( He so totally deserved to be bitten by a bunch of children and having no legal means to defend himself. And how funny!


(Sorry, I really want to like this post as you're so awesome, but this was so... PAINFUL. It hurts so much when someone bites you. Bites you in the aaaaassssss....)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

OH my god. I have died and gone to Blog Heaven. This is so brilliantly hilarious. You are a genius. You are. Please have children so your brilliance can be passed on.

OCDHousewife said...

I feel like Benny pretty much all the time. Durn wolf-kids.

leorising said...

Oh gods, this could only be absolutely true. It reminds me of the time the little kids on my street -- about 8 of them -- got me to play with them on a warm summer evening. I was, oh, 14 years old or so. We were playing on one of the parents' front lawn, and all the parents were out there with their beers and cigarettes watching us.

"Tag" devolved quickly to them pulling me down on the ground, where they punched, bit, and generally mauled me while laughing hysterically. I started calling for help because I, like Benny, had a problem with hitting little kids, especially in front of their watching parents.

I was getting seriously hurt and totally freaked out, yet the parents, convinced that their little angels could not harm a fly, decided my increasingly panicked calls for help were "all in fun" and laughed it up. Four of the little freaks would take turns holding me down, while the other four would bite, punch, scratch, and tickle me. I tried with all my strength to get up and could not. Toward the end there I swear to you I was getting tunnel vision.

Finally, I saw little bodies flying every which-a-way as my mother came to my rescue. She had heard my cries 10 houses down the block and come to investigate. As she helped me to my feet (I was shaking and on the verge of crying at this point, though I wouldn't give the stupid parents the satisfaction,) she turned around and demanded to know why the other parents hadn't called off their little animals. They replied that they didn't think anything was wrong, and that I was just kidding around.

I nursed scratches and bruises for a week afterwards.

Frankly, I think the parents had some atavistic shit going on in their own psyches that day. I know I never spoke to them or their spawn again.

Little bastards.

Good story. Now I have to go calm down my PTSD.

Lena said...

That's... terrifying.

Becky said...

My daughter turned me on to your blog at Thanksgiving...AWESOME!
You help me understand the way my ADD son's mind works. Impulsive - YES! Consequences...huh?
Awesome facial expressions too!

Harmony Huskinson said...

Haha, the truth behind this blog is spectacular. Children truly are evil beasts, and contrary to popular belief, they don't get lost in the woods, innocent and alone. They lure you out into the woods to attack you. They have developed no sympathy for other human beings yet. Everything is a game. Allie is a bold person for pointing this out.

KendraM. said...

So I'm stuck at home with Swine Flu. The only thing getting me through this is reading all your stories. They are so funny! Thanks for making my sickness suck less.

Bluestalking said...

Note to publishing houses: OFFER THIS WOMAN A CONTRACT NOW!!!!!!!! I MEAN NOW!!!!!!!

Cordially,

Lisa Guidarini
National Book Critics Circle
Reviewer, Library Journal

Lydia said...

Lol, I love this!!! I'm so glad you finally posted something new!!! Awesome! <3

Anonymous said...

Great work as always!

Bluestalking said...

I spazzed and typed my URL in wrong, and since I know the fate of the world rests on it this is really it. No, REALLY.

Anna said...

My grandma's neighbors grandkids love me, but that's because I beat them up and chase them around and give really rough rides. I would definitely fight back if a pack of wolves was trying to kill me.

Zem said...

Holy fuck, my friends and I used to play the same game. Only it was at school and with a guy named Patrick than a guy named Benny. Lol.

Unknown said...

It's like 'The Shining: Junior Edition". Poor Benny; he probably needed much therapy after this!

I've led a bunch of six year olds in a Bible class, and their ability to cling like limpets is astounding. I can't imagine what it would be like if they actually BIT me. *shudder*

The 'CAAAAAAAAAAAAKE' frame just slays me. It's like the wolves just heard the cries of some distant prey...

Loved it. More, please!

Tom Cash said...

I've been in Benny's shoes before. Not with little girls in the woods, but the details are inconsequential. The pain is what matters here, and it was very real.

Anonymous said...

you really should call it fiction what it is so

Tom said...

Thank Heavens for Little Girls... as long as they are not running in packs! Great tale!

Cammie said...

SEE! THIS is why I don't work with kids anymore. I would absolutely rather take on an entire actual pack of wolves than a group of rabid six-year old girls. Eeek!

Sweetpea said...

This was so scary, but so awesome! I want my kids (when I have them) to be this awesome!

goingalittlecrazy said...

OMG, I am laughing so hard! Poor Benny! I bet he was never the same. EVER! LOL

Wesley! said...

You're awesome Allie! I love your stories and ofcorse your drawing! You really know how to capture the moments and make us laugh.

By updating as rarely as you do makes it even moe exiting, I check your blog every day in exitement and when I notice an update I scream of joy!

Keep up the good work Allie, and have a great life!

CourtneyP said...

I'm positive that most comments get lost in the shuffle because there are SO MANY OF THEM. But your drawings in this post are awesome!

I spent A LOT of time out in the woods as a kid pretend I was a wolf or some kind of dog. Kids today have no imagination!

Sarah said...

Now I know that, if I want to keep rabid-scary-biting children from mauling me, I should keep a piece of cake in my pocket.

Good to know.

Maryann said...

You're super great and funny, I've been reading your older posts because I read all the newer runs and I'm running out of those too. Just wanted to let you know you don't need to feel like you need to outdo yourself every time you write a post, I feel like you're trying really hard to improve, but seriously, you were just as funny in the beginning as you are now. All these elaborate drawings are great but not really necessary and they take a lot more time to do which means less hyperbole and a half in my everyday life. But hey you're doing great, SO funny and really relatable (is that a word?). :D

Nicole said...

I LOVE the wolf pictures! Your post is amazing! ^_^

Alexander Martinov said...

remidns me of when i was 12 and i was in the park and he met 3 6~ year old girls and made freinds with them and introduced me

my nuts never ached so bad
even though now ive learned my lesson,and sharpened my 6 year old girls avoiding skills by simply not attracting any attention OR talking really loudly and seeming really angry,also,i have awesome forest-survival skills,id make it to the house from the 2nd time after being bitten by 6 year old girls and understanding that they mean buisness

Anonymous said...

I have to find Benny and marry him. If he could put up with being mauled by toddlers, my weirdness would seem completely inconsequential in comparison.

Plus, his freckles are cute. (at least I hope they're freckles)

Unknown said...

You little six-year old 'wolves' look like the miners from "Galaxy Quest".

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of the game that I played one summer with some girls I met camp. There was a creek near the camp that we were allowed to play in. Somehow we got one of the older kids to agree to play with us and we played “Sharks”, it is pretty much like Wolf Pack, only with lots of splashing and not so much hiding. Good times.

The Shenaniganner said...

OMG I'm completely in love with you AND your blog!

Naima said...

I discovered your blog last week and have now read all the posts. Yours is the first blog I've ever read and I don't quite know what to do now that there aren't any more posts left to read. Please post more. Please. I can't handle being productive and facebook can only hold my attention for a limited amount of time.

Courtney Kay said...

reminds me of my work... the daycare kids look just like the pic of the teeth

Unknown said...

you should seriously put all of the blog posts about yourself into order from birth to now and then make biography out of the
also LOLOLOLOLOL WOLF CHILDREN SCARE ME.

Krantz said...

I read several blogs, as does my husband. There are a few times where I go, "Come read this! It's hilarious!" and he comes and reads and doesn't laugh... This is one of the even rarer blogs that we both actually "LOL" at.
I really appreciate that :)
And I heart your blog.

Amy said...

RRRRRRRR..... god, i wish i had friends like this as a 6 year old.

«Oldest ‹Older   601 – 800 of 1167   Newer› Newest»