Wolves

Benny came to the birthday party because his mom had volunteered him to help supervise the children. He must have felt out of place being the lone teenage boy amidst a flock of over-excited six-year-old girls, but we welcomed his presence. We saw him as a sort of prop that we could manipulate in our imaginary games - a living, breathing human that would submit to pretending to be whatever we wanted it to pretend to be. On that particular day, we wanted to play a game called "wolf pack" which we had invented after watching a documentary about the hunting tactics of wolves.

We swarmed Benny as he was preparing to pour himself a glass of apple juice.


As a 13-year-old boy, Benny probably did not relish the idea of wasting an entire day entertaining us. But he was a good-natured young man, and he had agreed to help keep us out of trouble, so he reluctantly asked us what we wanted to play.

Us:  "Wolf pack!" 

Benny: "How do you play 'wolf pack'?" 

Us: "We're the wolves and you're the deer. We close our eyes and count to twenty and you run away. Then we try to find you and catch you!"

Benny:  "Okay. Where do you want to play?" 

Us:  "In the forest!" 

Benny followed us outside and we led him deep into the vast expanse of backwoods wilderness that was to be our playing field.  We reached a small clearing and decided to start the game there.  We yelled at Benny, "Now run away!"  

And we began to count.  

Benny scurried off into the forest, calling out behind himself to help make the game easier for us.  He thought we would have trouble finding and catching him.  


What Benny did not know was that we were incredibly serious about the realistic aspects of "wolf pack."  In our wildly vivid imaginations, we were actually wolves and Benny was actually a deer. 


We found him almost immediately.   


Benny probably would have tried harder if he knew that losing the game involved so much biting.  But he did not expect that the game would be so true to life. I'm sure it was quite painful for him, but that was a necessary casualty for the game to feel convincing and fun.  

Benny fought bravely, but there were too many of us and he was handicapped by his reluctance to punch and kick a bunch of six-year-olds. We wrestled him to the ground and bit him repeatedly until we were satisfied that we had "killed" him.


At that point, Benny had two options: he could stand there and try to reason with us until we finished counting and mauled him again, or he could flee and try to find his way back to the safety of the house before we caught him. 

Benny chose fleeing.  

But it was starting to get dark and the woods were unfamiliar to Benny.  There were labyrinths of footprints, left behind from our previous forest adventures, providing a confusing web of false trails.  He desperately clawed his way through the underbrush in a random direction that he hoped was the right one, but he only had twenty seconds and things weren't looking good for him.  We finished counting and took off after him. 


Benny was faster than us, but we greatly outnumbered him and we were able to strategically "herd" him into a clearing where we surrounded him and went in for the kill.  


Benny had severely underestimated our hunting and maiming capabilities.  We were not like ordinary little girls who frittered away their time hosting tea parties and pretending to be princesses.  We had spent countless hours out in the forest, sharpening our hunting tactics on imaginary prey and we finally had an opportunity to put all of our practice to use on a real thing that would run away from us and struggle for survival.  Unfortunately for Benny, we had not yet developed the ability to empathize with the pain and suffering of other people, and his terrified fleeing was pretty much the most fun thing that had ever happened to us. 

Once again, we let him stand up after we were satisfied that we had bitten him enough times.  


It became clear to Benny that he was going to have to play the game over and over and over until he could find his way back to the house.  He had to make the most of the 20 seconds we gave him to flee and try to make as much progress as possible in between maulings.  

We were exhausted from all of the chasing, but we weren't ready to stop playing, so we began to rely much more heavily on stealth. We stalked Benny through the darkening woods, waiting for him to make himself vulnerable to attack.


The psychological torment of waiting to be attacked was almost worse than the attacks themselves.  We darted around in the shadows, snapping twigs and making strange growling noises.  We sounded like tiny chainsaws.  

We would have continued to torture Benny for hours, possibly even days, but our parents called us home for birthday cake.


We cared about cake more than we cared about Benny, so we abandoned him in the woods and ran back to the house. Benny heard us being called, but he couldn't see where we went from his hiding spot. He tried to follow our shrieking voices, but just ended up getting turned around.

At first, no one noticed that we had arrived back at the house without Benny, but the topic did eventually come up.

My mom: "Where's Benny?"

Us: "Outside." 

My mom: "Doesn't he want some cake?"

Us: "No." 

My mom: "He should at least come inside and get warm..." 

Us: "He's fine." 

We didn't actually know if Benny was okay, but we wanted cake and talking about Benny wasn't bringing us any closer to that goal. 

 Eventually, the adults went looking for him. They tromped into the woods with flashlights, yelling "BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!" They were startled to hear loud crashing and branches snapping behind them, but it turned out to be Benny. He stumbled into the pool of light cast by the flashlight.


Benny's mom:  "Benny, what are you doing?" 

Benny: "Where are they?" 

My mom:  "The girls?  They came back an hour ago, are you still out here looking for them?" 

Benny: "No." 

Benny's Mom: ".... Well, you should really come up to the house, sweetie. It's cold out here."  

And so Benny got to come back to the house. When he walked through the door, we ran over to him and hugged his legs. "Bennybennybennybenny!" we shrieked. Bennybennybennybennybennybenny! We brought him a huge piece of cake on the most special plate we could find, and we watched him eat it to make sure he was enjoying it.


When he finally had to go home, we cried out after him, "Benny, are you coming back?  When are you coming back to play with us?"  Benny's mom remarked about how cute it was that we loved him so much, "isn't that just adorable, Benny? They really seem to like you!"  She assured us that Benny would come back to play with us soon.  

1,174 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   1001 – 1174 of 1174
Ganesh Jaju said...

Mine is 1000th comment!
Anyways, hilarious blog again!

Jenny said...

I have presented you with the Stylish Blogger Award! Go to http://eventingakhaltekes.blogspot.com/ for more info!

Kerstin said...

amazing.
Funny thing: I am from germany and used to play "Lions" back in elementary school with my best friend and her little sister :D
but well, we just played it inside the house and without biting, but we, too, pretended and acted everything we knew from tv-documentations about lions and other wild cats :D
...
has to be a rudimental archaic girl thing? ;D

Socks said...

Hilarious!

Greg said...

hahahahahahahha LOVED IT!

Anonymous said...

I was reading this post aloud to my little sisters, and when we hit the CAAAAAAAKE picture, we all shouted "CAKE IS ALL THAT MATTERS!" haha, Thanks for the laughs!

Amanda said...

This is both terrifying and hilarious. My favourite part was their rows of little crocodile teeth.

Tiny girl horrors are the best kind of horrors :3

Je.June said...

Brilliant as usual

Anonymous said...

Okey, Alli I love your blog. But you are ruining my life and my grades. I should have written two essays, and some math-homework this weekend, but because of you and your ridiculusly (wow, just realiced I don't know how to spell that)(hmmm, is that how you spell "realice"?). Anyways... because of you and your stupid blog I've been reading all of your supid oldest posts. I've now gotten to january 2010, and am in fact quite proud of myself. But I'm going to fail history :(

Bent Barrow Farm said...

Hi! Fenway Bartholomule and I have seen fit to bestow upon you the Stylish Blogger award! Find the details here:

http://www.braysofourlives.com/2011/01/honor-and-privilegethe-stylish-blogger.html

If you choose to accept this accolade, the powers that be ask that you do the following:

1) link back to the blogger that awarded it to you (in this case, Fenway);
2) list seven things about you that we might not already know;
3) pass the fun on by recognizing, on your blog, up to 15 of your favorite newly-discovered bloggers;
4) let your nominees know by posting on their blogs.

Thanks, and keep on bloggin'!

RevW said...

Why are there seven little girls and only six wolves? I keep rereading this and growling at my partner...

Anonymous said...

AWESOME! I was so stoked when I saw that you updated your blog, and this story was fabulous. :D

Kelly said...

love. I have one objection to this post. your wolf drawings are quite good and like, accurate and wolfy and well done and stuff.
I wanted dog-like stick figures with big teeth.

over achiever.

brilliant. hate you. :)

Heather said...

This post made me almost die laughing. But poor Benny, I hope he didn't suffer too traumatically.

Missy said...

Ha! I grew up in rural Idaho, so I totally identified with this. I could skin a deer by the time I was 8 years old. Now I have an 8-year-old, and I can barely get him to cut his steak at dinner. Also, I have a 4 year old daughter who DOES spend her time hosting tea parties and playing Princess, and it is totally alien to me. Where is the mud, the filth, the lessons on how to track animals? No cool forts made via plywood and a dry irrigation ditch -- just a fancy tower with an actual swingset connected. My kids get no childhood, I tell you.

Harry said...

I want more posts Please post more

Andrea said...

i love how you draw children with huge, dilated eyes. it really captures that cute/crazy look. frightening.

Anonymous said...

All my friends keep telling me that if I had the ability to clone myself, my clones would do this to unsuspecting people. :(

On another note, I just found your blog recently, and you've managed to drag me out of a Sneaky Hate Spiral. So, good job!

somersaults&daisies said...

Man, I feel bad for Benny, but I can definitely relate to the mighty hunting six-year-olds. I took playing pretend very seriously back in the day.

Connie said...

Awesome post, and I love your drawings! Benny may have been traumatized initially, but knowing how young teens are powered by praise, the adulation and adoration of a whole crowd of 'subordinates' (with cake) probably wiped out all memory of the fear. By the next day he was probably bragging about how good of a babysitter he was, that the game was his idea, and that he encouraged you all to bite.

Anonymous said...

I loved the story about wolfy minded girls, but this is what I'm really posting for:

I scoured your blog for real life pictures of your dogs (I will scour more later, I've only known your blog for 2 days). The second strip I ever read of yours was "Dog"... then I read the one about how you took your dogs on a trip to a new house.

Both stories had me absolutely in tears. Not sad tears to sustain your power, but tears of laughter... also to sustain your power. Can you pretty please post a picture of them somewhere easy to find, possibly in the FAQ section.

P.S. I am implementing the retarded-dog test on one of my weenie dogs this weekend.

Distilled said...

I can feel his pain - my sister had many a party like this when she was this age. I don't believe I was ever mauled, but I certainly had my fair share of make-overs.

Janaya said...

Somehow you always manage to make me hungry!! :) Great post Allie!

Anonymous said...

So, which of your friends is dating Benny these days?

DiDi said...

This was brilliant. Easily one of my favorites and that is saying a lot. I wonder how many years of therapy Benny needed. I wonder if he has a daughter today and if that fact frightens him for more than the usual reasons.

-DiDi

www.conversingwithcats.com

deMomma said...

Whenever the day starts out badly, I go exploring on your blog. Smiles are guaranteed... and giggles.... and the occasional snort, but only when I am alone...

athena said...

I just spent about 20 hours in your archives. You are hilarious... but I think my favorite part is knowing that your stories are actually true. Your parents must be saints... and Benny must have a really good shrink :)

Alea said...

As a childhood biter myself, I really enjoyed this. Poor Benny. I hope the cake was magical. Or at least red velvet with cream cheese icing.

Anonymous said...

Drawings are getting pretty awesome allie! Well done. And hilarious.

Also, my "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS" tshirt came in today, and i'm very excited about it. I think it will help motivate me to do chores and be more of an adult, as long as im wearing the shirt.

Anonymous said...

Drawings are getting pretty awesome allie! Well done. And hilarious.

Also, my "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS" tshirt came in today, and i'm very excited about it. I think it will help motivate me to do chores and be more of an adult, as long as im wearing the shirt.

Illidan said...

I love your stories, they always make my day :)

anni said...

Haha, it made me laugh so loud! I love it!

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Pure brilliance. I'm just starting to blog, and your form of writing is inspiring. Thx!

seawasp said...

Heh. That was very funny. Though it seems Benny was ... more tolerant and pacifistic than I recall myself at 13. After the first bite, I would have gone from playing "runaway deer" to "Cornered Bear", with probably lots of tears all around.

Anonymous said...

Upon reading this I keep having visions of Kubrick's version of "The Shining". Fortunately this story ended better for poor Benny than for Jack's character.
Come play with us Benny! For ever. And ever. And ever....

Muddy K said...

So glad there's still room on the short bus for newbies. You are just fucken great.

Pongetongerong said...

Hilarious. Also, the drawings of the wolves are beautiful. I'm continually impressed. I still can't write my name in paint.

Brian P said...

Allie- I just wanted to let you know that I recently found your blog and read THE WHOLE THING in a matter of two days. It hurt to laugh by the end, but I couldn't stop! Thank you for producing such a wonderful collection of joy. You totally pulled me out of a rough time.

The Beast said...

I'm in love with the super-creepy Children-of-the-Corn-grade "Come play with us~~" picture. <3

Anonymous said...

Why was there no Birthday pie? Clearly that is the only element missing from this story. Besides power rangers of course.

josolsen said...

I love the story telling in this one! and your improving artistic style, just fantastic.

Anonymous said...

RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY

SanicRealm said...

i love your blogda ao MUCH, YOU AR E AMZAZING!
i was challeneged and I accepted and now im winning but now i drank to much but i was reading your blogs and i rememver how much awesome you are and I just want you to know thaat your blogs are amazing and I aksug laughed so much and thank you fot being so awesome!

Andrea Rebolledo said...

OMG! You just saw someone made an "alot"?!?!?!
http://bookling.tumblr.com/post/2935451968/sunny1-wantmeback

Strange Angel said...

Omg...

http://style.icanhascheezburger.com/2011/01/21/crazy-shoes-shark-shoe

SHARKFEET. What's next... BEAR feet?

Lelia said...

That picture of the slavering, befanged little girls tearing after poor Benny in their precious rainbow and heart shirts almost made me wet myself! (The facial expressions in your comics get me every time.) Yay for a new post!!

Averee said...

I found your blog through a friend and I have to say, you are probably the most hilarious person I have ever
encountered on Blogger.

riverdaughtr said...

HOORAY you finally posted a new one! I've been so antsy and wanting to read more! And it did not disappoint. I proceeding to link it to my roommate. You have a new fan.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Its about time someone traumatized a teenage boy..

Poor Bugger!

Miho said...

OMG its just brilliant . Love ittt.

Sam. said...

I simply adore this post. It makes me feel like playing this game directly after school with my friends and chasing them into the nearby forests.. BECAUSE THEY WOULD RUN IN TERROR!

roughneckturtle/Jeff C. said...

How do you make a sound that's not like a deer?

Mama-C said...

OH. MY. GOD. THAT WAS SOOOOO FRIGGEN FUNNYYYY!!!

And scary at the same time. Yikes.

Lea Brown said...

Awwww - poor Benny! *evil chuckle* I have to say my fave part is the bit where you first found him and he's all: "Good job little wolves!" And he's smiling like: "Hey, maybe six-year-old girls aren't so bad..." And then you all go in for the kill!!! Ha ha ha ha....

Did you ever see him again???

CUSTOM BLENDS BY CORRINE said...

Best Ever! I so look forward to seeing you post new stuff! I think this should be a daily thing! I could use a daily use of humor... though I'm sure this is a ton of work! Loved it!

Glenn said...

i just want to say you're amazing!!
And you're drawings of sharp toothed six year olds are convincingly scary.

.Mel. said...

hey! just wanted you to know I was on a website looking for some Barca clothes but I saw your oh too familiar drawings for sale --wasn't sure if you were aware!

http://www.zazzle.de/viel_t_shirt_2-235176398736110468

http://www.zazzle.de/aufschub_becher_tasse-168579552154486423

Kenneth Mark Hoover said...

Hilarious. I absolutely love your work. :)

C. Alvarez said...

I awarded you with a "stylish blogger" award. To accept, please go to my post http://amelancholystate.blogspot.com/2011/01/ooooooooh-pertiful-award.html
to get the award photo and follow the rules for posting. It was kind of fun, but NO PRESSURE!!

BenJ said...

Just wanted to say that your blog is awesome! I found it via Stumble a while ago, and I read many of your posts. You're hysterical, and those little Paint cartoons you do are awesome!

Pablo said...

I'm spectacularly disappointed that this little tale didn't end in teenagicide.

Also, Benny was a pussy.

Tiff said...

OMG!!! I love the pictures!!! The woods scenes... Oooh, so awesome. :D
The girls' eyes are so big and scary... Yet the parents had no idea what was going on.
I bet Benny never volunteered to help care for those girls again!!! I think he's traumatized... I would be.

absenteedaddy said...

What the fuck is even going on.

I don't get you kids these days.

Dityo Ramadhani said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lazronian said...

...Did you go all hyper and eat ALL the cake AGAIN??? Cause...well...you are the "God of Cake"...

kai said...

let's play wolf! lol.., poor benny.., :D

theconnorchronicles said...

I live for these posts. You need to sleep less and post more. I. Must. Have. More.

Mandi said...

This is fantastic and hilarious! :D Poor Benny...but the pictures of you and your six-year-old friends was equal parts terrifying and adorable.

Hope to see new posts from you soon!

Christine said...

OMG!
Poor Benny... I was pretty sure you didn't kill him, but, halfway through the story, I couldn't help but wonder if he was going to freeze to death.

Great wolves pictures, and incredibly creepy story!

Dulutgal said...

I. LOVED. THIS.
I'm also totally afraid that something like this will happen with the kids I work with during the summer.
Thank you so much for planting that fear into my subconscious.

Tonya London Willman said...

This is the best blog EVER....and I blog....Allie, you have skills that make what I am drinking spray from my nose!!!! So painful, ye so FUN!!! Thank you!!! T

Tony Lara said...

Hahahaha
I love these stories. After reading the one about moving your dogs, I realized I needed to read all your posts. Totally worth it.

Anonymous said...

CAKE!
...yeah, that was me when I was six.
Thankfully, I never mauled anyone.

...yet.

W1KAS said...

what I want to know is why Benny didn't climb a tree after the first "game"... the first tree he came upon with branches no one else could reach.

Anonymous said...

I wish my brother and I had played this game with our asshole of a babysitter back in the day. xDD

This was a fantastic post.

Jayden said...

Okay.
I've been kind of reading the backlogs of H&1/2 all the way back 'til your hard time with that stupid yellow drop slip.

Your wolves are adorable, and I'm glad that you started putting awesome pictures into your newer works. Because the pictures brought them from somewhere around 100% up to 200% awesome. Because the pictures are 100% awesome and 100 and 100 makes 200.

Also, the wolves in this post are really fucking cute. Sorry I said fuck.

QueenB said...

I love how you're the lead wolf in the second round. You were clearly the most twisted of all the little monsters that day. I love your blog, by the way. It has inserted no small amount of hilarity into my life, and for that I thank you.

Molly said...

I hope you become a pediatrician.

Ben45 said...

Hahaha Wow this has actully happened to me when i was bennys age! and my name's Ben!!!

Anonymous said...

You need help

Chris said...

Why haven't you posted anything lately?!?!?
I don't know what to read anymore
:'(

Also, will you do some trendy promotion of my band?
:D

I would love that.

myspace.com/banewell

<3

Anonymous said...

Thanks for adding to my nightmare fuel pile.

This is why children are terrifying, and why the horror of "character-building" on the schoolyard can't be explained to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

Ms. Asagao said...

This blog made me laugh so much!
It also gave me flashbacks about the one and only fad I created.
It was in the 4th grade.
It was a game called "raptor red" and it was based on a book I was obsessed with about utah-raptor dinosaurs that a paleontologist wrote.
Elements of the game included the chapter of the great flood, in which all of us kids had to compete with each other to climb up the slide to escape rising flood waters and certain doom by blunt force trauma from debris in the water. And the "hunting" of the faster kids in class, like Ben. We would chase him relentlessly as he weaved and dodged us. Whenever we gained on him he had this incredible ability to put on a burst of speed and outrun us all. To this day I am convinced it was a magical ability. No one can up their speed faster than their fastest four times!
Though the game caught on like wild fire- starting with just me and about 3 or 4 friends and gaining about 8 or 9 kids each recess until our whole grade and perhaps a couple kids from one or two other grades had joined- it was quickly banned less than 2 weeks or 10 recess periods after it had begun. I blame Kevin, who took the game too far and bit and kicked someone, thus leading to a visit to the principles office where he claimed he was under the strong influence of the game. A school-wide announcement was made that the game was banned. I still remember sitting in class and being stunned to hear the name of my game being said over the announcements. It was bitter sweet.

KingfisherBlue said...

Aww I have a 13 year old son called Ben! Poor Benny! But soo soo funny, you make me waste my life on internetness when I should be going and doing grown-up things like cleaning the kitchen

Te said...

Absolutely awesome. I was reading with my lower jaw somewhere around my tits when *not* wheezing and crying with laughter.

Ashley said...

Oh my God, this is hilarious! XD Hee, I want to show this post to my mom and say, "And you thought I was scary!" hahaha. At least I never terrorized anyone. That poor boy. I wonder if he ever recovered, or if, to this day, the sound of a wolf growling sends him into a panic, screaming, "NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!"

Or, perhaps, the sight of 6-year old girls. ;)

(Your stories, your posts, just get better and better, by the way. Not always every post, but it's an upward trend. You have a real gift for drawing and storytelling.)

Anonymous said...

You do realise, if any of us find you, we're gonna capture you and force you to write blogs all the time. How dare you only write one every month, that's cruel.

Anonymous said...

All my friends are going to start a fanclub just because of this one post!

--Jane Age 10

sparkster said...

This is just kind of maybe amazing.

Shauna =] said...

This was so funny! Your drawings are amazing and totally tell the story better than words could! I love your blog =] x

Cammie said...

Wow! your art justs gets better and better. I love your cartoon style, and the wolves and landscapes are very realistic in their simplicity.
I am willing to bet that not only did Benny never father children, he probably never touched another female in his life. Talk about a gender bender moment!
What frightens me the most about this post is the idea that you had enough demented little friends to create a pack, and wondering where they all are right this minute! *PANIC*

Ryan said...

You are so funny. You're a hero of mine. I really don't know how you're not already famous as it is. But anyway it's nice to find someone else with the same sense of humor as opposed to just getting met with incredulous looks from people o_o. I have a request even though you've now got like thousands of viewers probably pelting you. I'd love to see what your MS Paint idea of what a "Turbo Explosion Rocket Genie" looks like (the name of my blog). I'd totally put it up as my banner and use it to lure more people to your site!

Kyna said...

My brother Kurt is 8 years older than me. He had a best friend named Ryan when he was a teenager.

Evertime Ryan would come over, my 5-year old ass would pop out from somewhere, run up to him and punch him in the nuts. Every time. My brother must have been an awesome friend for him to put up with that.
I apologized to him years later at my brother's wedding.

I think he would have rather been bitten by a dozen little girls repeatedly than get punched in the nuts once. Because I punched really hard. He has kids now, so I guess I didn't do TOO much damage.

Anonymous said...

I think this is really sad. I'm not sure why I was told to read this. It is a waste of valuable time. Don't people have lives anymore?

Meggie said...

Oh dear Jesus. Now I have a REASON to use the Discovery Channel. This is just perfect. Than you Allie. This brought me to tears. XD

Anonymous said...

OMG... the tears are streaming down my face, I'm laughing SO hard. LOLOLOL

Zero K said...

Allie!! Hi, been reading you're blog for some time now (like, 5 days, not much to do at work), you're hilarious...

I don't know if you know, but just wanted to tell you, you've got a copycat, I'm telling you because I wouldn't like someone posting my things and saying it's theirs, and acting all me and stuff, one of me is enough, maybe you think likewise...

http://tubularluggagesite.blogspot.com/

there you are... maybe it's just you acting like someone else to be more famous! but I don't think so...

see ya!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for not mentioning my real name...
You know I never realized how traumatizing that experience was until I started dating. My fourth girlfriend playfully bit me during an intimate time and I totally started freaking out! Now I'm a submissive man with a wonderful woman owner. She forces me to be bitten by all sorts of things. She states this is the only way I'll over come my past...

Congrats on your semi success

DrowsyRebel said...

The scene with the psychological torment was just brilliant. You're so consistently good, Allie, I look forward to new posts all the time.

Being an older brother of a herd of kids I think even Benny would not want to swap shoes with me!

Amanda aka MamaRobot said...

The drawing where all the girls simultaneously tilt their heads is PRICELESS!

Sherry said...

Chilling. Just chilling.

Sarah Behl said...

<3!

sam! said...

so, let me start off by saying that i love this post an unnecessary amount. also, i don't capitalize letters when i type because my brain works faster than my fingers, so if i paused every time i needed to capitalize a letter, many more words would be misspelled and it would take me forever to type, so don't judge.

Also, i hope you read this comment, which is just one measly one of over a thousand, because i love your blog. it's my go-to website whenever i'm feeling down. so congrats on being the first thing i type into the search bar when i'm sad, because i know i can get a guaranteed laugh :)

Anywhoo, no, i wasn't stalking you, but i saw your profile on 20 something bloggers, and i needed to point out a discrepancy..

Fill in the blank: "People who like _________ will love my blog!"
Velociraptors, pirates, boats, sharks or firemonsters.


this is a lie. the first or at least second thing on that list should be bears. i am almost upset that it's not.

well, thats all. keep on blogging and making me smile. gracias!

Ctenotrish, Death's Ctenophore said...

Brilliant, you are profoundly gifted. I love a new post!!

Anonymous said...

ROTFL oh my gosh that was legitimately scary. And yet also hilarious. Fabulous, as always!

Anonymous said...

I hate when your posts end. I want them to go on forever!!! You are seriously the funniest! I love you-but not in a creepy way : )

jthemess said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

My favorite part is that this 13 year old has stubble. My 19 year old brother still has babyface!

Jamin said...

Love your stuff, but double spacing between sentences has got to go! I know, I'm a dork for noticing, but it's incorrect and it hurts my eyes. ><

Paks said...

I almost have no words. This was so amusing and horrifying to me at the same time. Either way, it's one of the more amazing stories you've shared, and so perfectly drawn for the situation.

The "CAAAAAAAKE" frame is beyond fantastic; I'll treasure that image for quite a while, I think.

Sarah Behl said...

I loves it!

Stories Inc. said...

Hilarious as always. Poor Benny.

Somehow I have that she-wolf song by Shakira stuck in my head now. That and dance with the wolves by Ruslana...

remi online said...

great artwork!some of the characters you created kind of looks like on of the cramp twins from cartoonnetwork. :D

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Kim B said...

I'm so glad I found you. You are wonderful and add laughter to my day.

Maura said...

I recently discovered your blog and don't know how I've lived this long without it!! You are SO hysterical, clever and talented, and I literally LOL'd while reading this and all of your archived posts that I'm now trying to catch up on. I am totally impressed by your artwork and hilariously deadpan writing. Thanks for providing some jolliness and genuinely needed laughs!

we sing we dance we daydream said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
we sing we dance we daydream said...

omg it's so hilarious and morbid at the same time.
my favorite is the moment the girls heard their parents call them home for cake.

keep writing (and drawing)!!

and did i tell you how much i love your copyright monster? i imagine it saying 'i kill you' with an italian accent.

Annabelle said...

You were menacing children.

Allison said...

Poor Benny. I was totally one of those kids with a hyperactive imagination.

Madelon said...

I love this game! I try to get my boyfriend to play it but being bitey gets less cute the older you get.

Anonymous said...

OOh! that game sounds like fun id be the alpha and ma friends would follow me and kill the guy playing benny!!that would be easy and fun, especially if he was carrying a chocolate chip cookie. srsly i can smell one from miles
woohoo

oh and i read some comments saying that ur scared of kids, and hate kids... ppl hu put that kinda stuff are WRONG!!! messed up cuz unless u were born like benjamin button then u should like kids cuz u were once a kid too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Minimalist said...

So I read this when it first came out, and it was hilarious, but every time I check for a new blog that first picture of looking down on the little girls just cracks me up.

-Cantwhistle

- Nic said...

This absolutely cracked me up - again. Your art style hits me right where it counts.

Zee said...

LOL, that is the most win blog I've read in a while! xD

Homschlr4ever said...

Poor Benny, not like a 13 year old girl at all. I'd of turned around and bitten them back or kicked because after all deer do kick and kick hard.
Keep writing those funny stories. I love a good laugh and you're a guaranteed chuckle.
swimbeauswim.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

My life used to be a raging torrent of my sister's games, but then I discovered the integer and more it's all good.

Mew said...

XD If there's truth to this statement I feel so bad for Benny, and I hope he's gotten over the mental and emotional scars caused by playing wolf pack.

Also, I LOVE the way you draw canines. ^_^

Anonymous said...

That was a well done story.

Anonymous said...

Anl love for Allie :-x

Anonymous said...

Arright!

Natalie said...

Hahaha poor bastard! I bet it put him off having kids for a loooong time!

Amanda said...

Love it!

Allie, your posts always bring a smile to my face.

Thanks for the laughs!

Pokeme2 said...

Dearest Allie,
You single handedly have done the impossible. You have given me a reason to find my way out of my bedsheets every morning, shower, dress and get myself to work. I practically babysit the shop, esspecailly on weekends and I honestly dont know what I did before I got told about you. It was the most special day of my life and I am positive people have purposly not entred my shop due to the convulsive spasums of supressed laughter your blog has inflicted on me. Thank you very very much

BigBirdInaSmallCage said...

You should be glad to know that I have not slept for the better part of two days trying to get through everything you have ever posted after stumbling upon this wonderful blog, hahahaha. Not only am I slightly crazy right now from the lack of sleep, I am also filled with a sense of comfort and wonder that most definitely was not there before. I look forward to your posts in the future.

Anonymous said...

Oh once again i'm so disappointed there isn't a new post... i do love this one though, it was hilarious :]

SingleUsedLemon said...

One of the most hilarious, yet extremely disturbing, posts yet. Totally worth the wait. Love love love.

Anonymous said...

Y0u r r3411y c001 :)

Chelsie said...

Ohoho, I thought this was brilliant, I laughed so hard I thought I would die. Or puke. Or maybe explode ... Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you are incredibly awesome and I love you, in a totally non-lesbian, non-stalker sort-of-way. Okay, maybe kinda like a stalker, but not really. Also, happy Spaghatta Nadle Day! I can happily and proudly announce that I have read every single post on this blog so far. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Because that is what I do. I read blogs ALL DAY LONG, because I have no life... hurhur.

In layman`s terms, you`re awesome and I love you.
Keep on keepin` on!

Anonymous said...

It was ok, but since its only 1 update per month these days I'm pretty disappointed overall. I was hoping for something awesome.

Rach said...

If only my childhood had included something like this, it would have been even MORE awesome than it already was.
WIN!!

Anonymous said...

You rock!

PrettiGeeky said...

Even as a child, you had the makings of a tiny, adorable serial killer! I love it.

Gillian said...

I thought you might like this:

http://www.someecards.com/2011/01/07/incredible-customer-service-from-austins-pizza-call-center

giddy99 said...

Holy crap, the Wolves story is wet-your-pants funny. My sides hurt from laughing. Totally awesome!

Tigrisa said...

Yaaaaaaay! New post! I finished reading ALL of your blog yesterday. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!! Words cannot describe. You seem to have the exact same sense of humor as I do, which I LOVE.

Arika said...

Benny is probably still traumatized by six year old girls lol

Kris said...

OMG You are the best! Not only are you totally a creative writer, but you have a fantastic way of drawing innocence laced with creepiness.

Ahh, my perfect dream is to kidnap and keep you as my storyteller for all time. Alas, I will have to settle for my addiction to your blog.

You keep me coming back for more--DAMN YOU! It's all your fault!

~Kris

http://wolfwen.blogspot.com

Pia N said...

Amasing story, if it isn't a book, you shut make it one.

Denise said...

Hey Allie,
I just want to say, as a 13 year old girl, you have my friends and family cracking up everywhere. I've had some funny looks in class sometimes... :D
Is this is a real story, though...?
'Cuz this is terrifying. SO glad my sister is no longer six.

The Silent Creeper said...

Wolves and Deer? forget that why didn't you play Puma a Polar Bear? that is so much more fun.

Queen Riah said...

Hello! This is me, shamelessly promoting my blog on your blog.
But I'm also here to tell you how amazing your blog is. You inspired me to make a blog of my own. Thank you, awesome-lady. :D

Attempted Blog said...

Love LOVE the panel with the wolves!

Anonymous said...

I wish I had this brilliant of a mind in my childhood years. Now I am finding a poor 13 year old boy and sicking a pack of deranged six year olds on him just so I can have my sick enjoyment of seeing this brilliant entry put to life.

Matthew said...

Dear Allie, I have bookmarked tabbed your blogs, I get on everyday excited and expecting to see a new blog, only to be sad and unaware of what is going on and why it is you have disappeared.
I miss you.

Anonymous said...

Back in the day, you used to post a variety of things, sometimes stories with pictures (like this awesome one!) but sometimes just your thoughts about your day, and your life. I love your stories but I miss the regularity of your blog and the shorter, less polished, more personal posts. Maybe we can find a happy medium?

Still love your blog, just missing the 'you' in it.

larry said...

in a funny, iteresting way, you are fucked up
all the best Lar

Amanda D. Barncord Doerr said...

I read this post when it first came out, but decided I needed to read it again. Thank you for sharing these stories. As the oldest of five children, I remember my baby sister had this game when she was six called "CHICKEN!" where she would wrap herself around my ankle and gnaw on it, claiming I was a chicken. I think she got it from a Warner Brother's cartoon - the one with the tiny chicken hawk. It didn't hurt, but it made my skin crawl. I would scream and try to shake her off, but she would just hold on tighter. One day, I literally dragged her through the entire house. She didn't let go until I reached our parents' bedroom, because even in her chicken hawk state, she knew if they saw her on my ankle, she couldn't play innocent.

I forget what threat I finally used on her, but even then, she would occasionally hide behind a chair and jump out at me, growling, "CHICKEN!"

That said, my favorite post of yours is the one about your "pet" fish. I can so put myself in your father's shoes.

Anonymous said...

I love it

Rick said...

I followed a link here from another site (nobodyscores.loosenutstudio.com, in case you're wondering - not advertising, just thought you'd like to know that other internet peoples post links to your blog :D) and then spent the next day or so reading all of your posts. Gotta say.

Fucking brilliant :) I haven't laughed this hard at a blog ... quite possibly ever. You've got an amazing knack for words and the pictures are just golden - keep it up, you converted me straight away, and if you ever close down this blog, I WILL CRY.

Puneet Saakaar said...

whoop.. nice cartoon characters.. those are great!

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Alyson said...

This was amazing...and yet somehow I think that Benny should have known what he was getting himself into...you were an evil child! (yet this sounds like something I would do...maybe not to such an extreme, but I would have done something similar, nevertheless).

Moose said...

Haha! Evil children. It reminds me of when I was a little girl. Most all of the cousins were girls so God help the unfortunate few boy cousins who had to attend those early family get-togethers. Never underestimate the power of evil little girls in large numbers.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty new to the blog but I've read most now and must say, even though *many* have before me, it's wonderful!
I have to ask, however, was the story of how Allie met Boyfriend ever posted?

Rafterman said...

Omigod, Allie, this is hysterical! After reading your post about moving with your dogs, I was hooked... I went back and read every single post, and this is one of the best!

Koi said...

Do you still draw using a trackpad? Because those wolves are actually very good!

Anyway, if I was Benny, I wouldn't just sit back and take it anymore. I'd scream my lungs out and make it known very forcefully that they need to stop before I make their mothers cry over what I'd do to them.
I hate children so much. Soooo muuuuch.

...Buuuut I love this blog! :D

Tonina said...

All I could think of while reading this was the Bacchae from Greek mythology. The pack of ravenous and utterly merciless girls, hunting and devouring their prey while grinning the whole time - this post was absolutely priceless and totally scary all at the same time!

Aeolian said...

This is an amazingly twisted combination of hilarious, adorable, and absolutely terrifying.

Super Sad :( said...

I desperately miss your frequent updates. It makes me sad when I go to your page only to find an old update :(

jellokatt said...

wow, now i feel even more justified in my hatred and fear of children. thanks. i'm going to be having nightmares about this for weeks.

treska said...

Omg, kay so i love your blog! :) , and it would be awesome if you could maybe possibly get others to read mine? i only have like one post but still. :) thanks!!

thechucklesandjelly.blogspot.com

Swanson Family said...

I miss hearing from you more often....having withdrawls....

spacegypsy1 said...

I often scroll back through the pictures for more laughs.

Anonymous said...

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/02/01/teen-wolfpack-arrested-videotaped-assault-pennsylvania-boy/

Nine-Fingered Menace said...

What I want to know is how much therapy Benny needed afterwards. Love your blog.

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