I'm Definitely Not Dead

I woke up really early on Wednesday morning for no reason.  In retrospect, I can see it was probably my body's way of telling me that I might die later that day, so I better get the hell up and start enjoying the shit out of life.

My life that morning was not particularly enjoyable.  I felt like my internal organs had been punched by someone who is really enthusiastic about punching and therefore punches a lot.  In fact, they love punching so much that when they finished punching my internal organs, they moved on to punching my skin and all my muscles and also my eyes.


I don't own an accurate thermometer, but I once calibrated the thermometer I own using an accurate thermometer.


The thermometer read 102.3, so by my calculations, I was running a fever of about 103.5.  I took a couple aspirin and tried to get some work done.  That's when I wrote/illustrated this post.  I may have also responded to a few emails.  If you got an email from me last Wednesday that didn't make a lot of sense, I apologize.  I wasn't drunk.  I was just very ill.  

I eventually gave up on trying to be responsible and just sat on the couch staring off into space really intensely. 


That evening, my friend called to ask me if I'd like to meet her and another friend for drinks.  I didn't feel much like drinking, but I was feeling a little better and I'm almost tragically impulsive, so I was like "heck yeah I'll meet you guys for drinks!" Then I staggered into the bathroom to try and clean myself up enough to go out in public.  


At the bar, I ordered tea because I was really, really cold and even though I'm impulsive and irresponsible, I know enough not to complicate illnesses with alcohol.  The bartender looked at me like I was the first person ever to order raspberry tea in a bar.  

I was able to enjoy my tea for approximately five minutes before I started to feel emergency-nauseous and had to run to the bathroom. The next little bit is kind of a blur for me. I know that I passed out in the bathroom. I don't know how long I was out, but my first thought upon waking was "OH MY GOD I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!"


I knew I should probably go to the hospital, but I'm still too poor for insurance, so I tried to convince myself that I was okay and I should just crawl home and sleep it off.  I tried to stand up, but I ended up head-butting the wall and crumpling to the floor again.  I lay there on the ground staring at some graffiti that just said "poop poop poop poop poop."  I started wondering whether that would be the last thing I ever saw.  It was a depressing thought for a few reasons.  

After several more unsuccessful attempts at getting to my feet, I finally made it.  I used this as an excuse to not go to the hospital.  "Hey, look at me!" I thought.  "I'm doing great!  


I staggered out of the bathroom and toward my friends.  I remember my limbs making all sorts of spastic movements as I tried to glide along and look like nothing was wrong.  I ran into the wall and ricocheted off into the other wall.   It felt like I was competing against my need to go to the hospital:  if I could stay upright, it meant I was fine and goddamn it, I was not about to lose that game and give up the entirety my newfound income just to make sure I wasn't dying.  

I finally made it back to the bar and collapsed onto it.  That's when I lost the game and decided to go to the hospital because I was legitimately scared of dying.  That's also where things get hazy again.  I remember the next 20 minutes in little clips.  There's me lying face down in a puddle on the bar, blowing little bubbles in it while trying to breathe.  Then I'm being carried out of the bar.  Then I'm being driven to the hospital.  I was breathing really fast; I remember that because once we got to the hospital, the intake nurse kept yelling at me to slow down my breathing and I couldn't.  My entire body was shaking convulsively and I felt more cold than I have ever felt in my life.  My blood pressure was 70/35.  When I caught a glimpse of those little numbers on the screen, I immediately regretted ever knowing anything about medicine because my knowledge only contributed to making me feel positive that I was going to die.  "Well," I thought, "this is it.  My last words are going to be 'fuck you, I can't breathe any slower!'"  It was all very dramatic.  

 

As is often the case with medical emergencies, it was not immediately apparent what was wrong with me, so the doctor called for tests. Lots and lots of tests.  

Blood samples are easy because they are passive.  You just lie there and let the nurses stick needles in you until they are done.  But urine tests require your active participation.  When you are in the throes of death like I was, providing a urine specimen is a veritable quest.  I could have rewritten The Iliad about my experience peeing into a cup.  

I was still having a lot of trouble maintaining consciousness, so the doctor had to supervise me in the restroom.   

I knew I had reached a pretty low point in my life.  There I was, halfway unconscious on a toilet; trying my hardest to pee into a tiny plastic cup and not on my own hand or the floor.  It sounds like a very simple goal to accomplish, but it isn't. I was crying quietly and drooling on myself.  I didn't even care that a stranger was standing there watching the whole pathetic situation. In that moment, I had no dignity.


Despite my herculean efforts, the urine test didn't tell them anything.  The blood test showed a slightly high white blood cell count, but other than that, it was normal.  The only thing that even hinted at what could be wrong with me was my heart.  After looking at my EKG, the doctor was like "Your heart is being weird." And I was like "Why is it doing that?"  And the doctor was all "I don't know."  

Four hours later, I wasn't dead and the doctors still couldn't figure out what was going on, so they sent me home.    

As I'm sure is the case with many of you, I walk that thin line between hypochondriac and a normal level of concern about my health.  So when I go through a terrifying medical saga only to come out the other side with a tentative diagnosis of "weird heart," I panic a little.  

The past week has basically just been a string of moments in which I feel almost positive that I'm going to die.  



I still don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm definitely not dead and I'm feeling a lot better, so that's good.  

547 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   401 – 547 of 547
Miss Mayhem said...

Hi, again.
I saw you had like a BILLION comments, so I decided to be difficult and give you another comment. :)

Glad you are alive.

mhchurch4 said...

Dude, we would totally be best friends in real life. And by 'be best friends,' I mean that I would see you and be like, "Whoa, I want to be friends with that girl." And you would have no idea who I was and I would be all creepy and stalker-y. ......Not that that's happened already or anything.....

Sarcasmo said...

You are officially my idol and have inspired to start my own blog :)

Pissed Off Patient said...

Welcome to the world of weirdo medical shit that happens to you and no one else.

You have violated the first rule of being a patient...

Never be unique, they don't know what to do with you.

Glad you're feeling better. You are hilarious :)

M

Lori said...

OMG, your pictures are the funniest damn things I think I've ever seen. The stories are funny, but the illustrations send it over the top! Don't stop!

Glad you're not dead. :-)

Lori said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tonyaatadhocmom said...

I got nothing funny to say although I did laugh at your post (as always) but I'm worried about you. Hope all is ok.

Jaywalker said...

Sad cat is sad. :(

alysdexia said...

bacterial infection and cardiac neýrosis (positive psýkoneýroimmunofeedback)—so I guess.

One niht I psýkd myself out after I ran my finger down my carotid artery, with the fear of how vulnerabil it and the throat were. A few hours later I was in a cold sweat and my heartbeat was swift, in a gallop; I had the feeling of almost a heart attack (but my limbs were fine) or near death, and my breathing was almost out of control. I could only lie in bed, slow myself, and wait for hours until my heartbeat was back to normal—none of that praying bullshit.

I had a childhood history of asthma, but it went away after regular running for the bus stop and subsequent weiht loss of 30–40 pounds over time. However, I did still get dizzy whiteouts and almost pasd out each time due to the lazey heart. It's also tough to carry 100 pounds now whereas it was a breeze in middle school...

I wasn't on caffeine or drugs at the panic attack? but did like sugary drinks everyday—not nowadays. I don't think it would'v happened in my older salt-starch diet days, but my heart and arteries must be better off, if not my teeth.

weird means fateful; the word is odd, strange, wacky, eery, spooky, eldritch. And someone is still not a they and there is no "I guys", dumbass.

kismirova said...

This is HILARIOUS. I love your writing style. So entertaining! (I hope you will not be mad at my ignoring the verb in the last sentence)

I'm happy you're alive and writing! ;)
diana
www.laughingdaffodil.com

Pete56 said...

It's good you're not dead.
Laughter is essential to a decent human existence,and eternally inert is hardly guffaw-worthy.
By the way, I exposed your blog to some folks on a sort of chat site, that I've been haunting for a few years.
The good news is that they're moderately warped ,too, and some even bookmarked your blog , like I did.

Trabbs said...

I was so happy to find your blog and now I have read every word of it and laughed at all the pictures again and again but you have not updated since this post and now I think you are dead after all.

So sad. You really were just awesome.

Qualmless said...

So, I've just spent the last week reading every post you've ever written and now I'm depressed. I hate being current on things I enjoy because it means I have to wait just like everyone else.

Anyway, I think you're awesome and I'm glad you're not dead and I hope you are all the way better soon so you can keep entertaining me...and because I care.

Lady V said...

Still nothing. Please get better or else.... http://www.regretsy.com/2010/03/22/random-lol/

RubyLocks said...

Allie, I hope you're STILL alive after being still alive after almost dying.

I miss you.

I got my first negative comment today and at first my feelings were hurt, but then I remembered how well you handle dumb jerks who say mean things to you (even though you're clearly the best at everything).

You're my hero and I hope you're feeling MUCH MUCH better. What good will the internet be if you're not around?

badkidsgoodgrammar said...

I am so glad I found your blog. You are amazing.

I am an alot.

MEOW.

Jen said...

how come you're so funny? i have your site bookmarked, which also means i have YOU bookmarked, so that makes me creepier than you.

Covetous Wench said...

Your self-portraits are cuter than puppies pooping little rainbows.

Miss Emish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KaleahSaysHi said...

Poor sickly Allie :[
Feel better! <3

-Kaleah

Samantha said...

Allie -
I just stumbled on your blog last week, and I think you're pretty incredible! I really hope you feel better; no new posts makes me a bit worried. Which I guess is pathetic since I didn't even know you existed 2 weeks ago.
Or...it means that you will win the internet very soon, because you gain the love of your readers so easily :)
Anyway, thank you for all the laughs! You have a lot of talent.
-Sam

Courtney said...

I love your site so much I have become a junkie. I think I have checked back a million times since last Tuesday to find a new update. SO disappointed. But like you I am alive! Barely. I feel like Caesar too...it is all a little dramatic for me but I am coping.
Your humor kills me (not really because I would not be writing this obviously) but you get the point right? Keep on keepin' on!

Katie said...

god you are hilarious. and not helping me study!


(thank you)

Strawberry Templetons said...

Okay Allie. It's time to update your legion of followers on your alive or dead status. You give us a harrowing tale of near death and then bam, nothing. I am nervous daily, and on top of that, when I have a 4-second headache, apathy or air, instead of feeling like I, myself, am about to die, I think, "oh no, it's a sign that Allie is about to die!" Until you post that you're still alive, I fear this will continue. It looks like you'll now have to post daily, "i'm alive" posts. Not as funny, but oh so reassuring.

James said...

I've totally turned all my friends onto your blog. Mainly because you're amazing and I love you. We love you.

Yes.

YAY FOR NOT BEING DEAD!

Katie said...

Im so glad your not dead, I died once and CPR and getting shocked SUCKED! Hope you feel better and that you get a better diagnosis then "weird heart" soon.

Anyways a friend posted a link to your blog on a military spouse support site and you made all our day. And Ive shown it to the soldiers coming over and they will now being following you on their deployments, lol. Just wanted to share that with you.

Your wonderfully funny and make me smile when Im going crazy so Thanks!

alysdexia said...

Suzanne, kids hav no mustaches.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I don't want to be alarmist but I study engineering mechanics and I had a thermodynamics course.

I think you didn't put the right values in your formula for your temperature.

Since a ghost is half of a creature, ghost= 0.5

A sad a cat is actually a a cat, so cat=1

Since you want your steady state temperature, theta= a complete cycle= 2*Pi

then Mu= density of water = 1 (since your body is essentially made of water, am i wrong ?)

and since we live in a world ruled bu an orthogonal system (neglecting the fourth dimension), Pxx=1

So putting all together we have:

Temp = 102.3 + norm((2*Pi*1*1)/(i*0.5)) = 114.9

So this MAY explain why you were so sick and I think you should tell your doctor as soon as possible, since thermodynamics never lies.

Hope this was helpful,
i dont want you to die, Guillaume

Blind said...

Hi there this is my two weeks notice informing you that you got a fan

No the windy things that blow.. wind !?.. the other on the fringe line of being a stalker

cuddles

PS. "Glad u didn't die" i guess it's in order

GrlsGotStyle said...

You are absolutely hilarious. I love this blog!!

filmgirl said...

it is so awesome you're not dead, but now I am beginning to wonder if you actually are dead and your getting better was just a fluke. where where where are you?

filmgirl said...

it is so awesome you're not dead, but now I am beginning to wonder if you actually are dead and your getting better was just a fluke. where where where are you?

Lenni said...

I'm super glad you're not dead. I hope you're feeling better! I've been all creepy, and have read all your posts. You're pretty freakin' rad.

llamarightsactivist said...

HA. I just saw an ad for thermometers as I was browsing your blog. Maybe someone will send you a new one. If I could email you one, I would.

Laura said...

I know oh too well how it feels to have no dignity when you're dying. I've been to the hospital numerous times for CROHN'S DISEASE! BAM! Look it up. It sucks. Anyway one time I got an abcess on my BUTT(yeah fucking gross) because of my disease and I had to go to the hospital. And it wasn't bad enough that the doctor had to look at my butt but he brought in his grad students and was like, "Everybody get a good look at her butt. Yeah, we gotta fix that." Now under normal circumstances I would have been mortified but the fact that I was dying and they hadn't fed me in 15 hours caused me to just lay there like "Can I just have a pudding cup or something? PLEASE!" Yeah, not one of the high points in my life. Oh and my doctor gave me a nickname while I there. "Your Hineyness"

Kate said...

When I broke my leg, the ambulance guy was all, "Stop breathing like that! Take a deep breath!" And I'm all, "WTF? Stop yelling at me!" And then he slapped me. And I took a big, deep breathe in shock and he said, "Thaaaat's better."

Seems slightly illegal, but it worked.

Kells said...

Allie -
My friend sent me a link to your blog while I was at work (I am a teacher). I had to try to keep from laughing out loud and getting the attention of my students while they worked on a test! I am spreading the word to my friends about your comic talents - keep it up!
-Kelly
P.S. Glad that you're not dead! Can't wait to see your next post!

Kells said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emiko said...

bada bah bah bah! I'm lovin' it!! *to the toon of the mc donalds slogan thingy*

Schmutzie said...

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/4/26/five-star-fridays-edition-100-thats-like-a-lot-of-five-star.html

Jill J. Taylor said...

I want to apologize for laughing at your expense.
I actually "GUFFAWED HAR HAR HAR" at work.
Maybe you should be apologizing to me? How am I supposed to maintain my, "Terribly busy 'working', holding files, making calls, pen in my ear busy" attitude if I'm laughing at your wicked blog.

I laughed, I even said, "Awww" but then your masterful art skills made me, "Guffaw".

How dare you expose me!
But I do hope you don't have Ebola or Motoba - terrible stuff.

Jill J. Taylor said...

I want to apologize for laughing at your expense.
I actually "GUFFAWED HAR HAR HAR" at work.
Maybe you should be apologizing to me? How am I supposed to maintain my, "Terribly busy 'working', holding files, making calls, pen in my ear busy" attitude if I'm laughing at your wicked blog.

I laughed, I even said, "Awww" but then your masterful art skills made me, "Guffaw".

How dare you expose me!
But I do hope you don't have Ebola or Motoba - terrible stuff.

Abby said...

Your picture of you crying on the toilet with your small cup actually made me want to cry a little. :(

Hope you still feel well!

banzai said...

Feel better!

Sadie Styx said...

I tried to care, that you pretty much had a heart attack and nearly died on some public toilet floor, but if you really wanted me to care you shouldn't be so frickin funny about it!

Literally I laughed so hard I cried, and my 4yr old demanded to know what was so funny.

I'm sending this post to my sister and posting it on my Facebook.

Do it again!! More nearly dying, more more!!

Elizabeth Kaylene (elizawhat.com) said...

That sounds really fucking scary. I'm glad you're okay!

Anonymous said...

Maybe you got roofied and it fucked you up because you were sick. Did they test for that?

novemberwind said...

"Ebola Aids" made me scream. I was breathing at that moment, thanks. Now I'm sure that I'm going to bleed out of every part of my body.

So I recently came upon your blog (recent as in a week ago) and since it's the last week of classes, I've dedicated my time to reading EVERY. SINGLE. ENTRY. But backwards. I hunted for the very first entry and went for newer and newer posts; however, it wasn't truly backwards because it's hard to keep track of posts reading from the bottom up. So I read everything semi-backwards?

Just imagine sewing...or...uh...hopscotch. Or those math problems where a snail is desperately trying to escape a well but slides down during the night after a whole day of squirming up the wall of the pit of doom.

And I checked. Snails sleep. :D

Pete56 said...

I feel bad about laughing like hell at your stint with your mystery ailment, and twice as worser for laughing more hellier-like at your illustrations of your biological misadventure...but thanks.
PS: Key-riced!Stay healthy.
After having just discovered this blog chockfulla magnificent angst (and blabbing to everyone about it, at several disreputable sites), I'd be bummed to
not find a next installment.

Anonymous said...

Awww.. so sad you were sick. At least I know you're not dead. This post was friggin' hilarious, and I've noticed that zombies have a distinct lack of writing talent. Especially those who died of Ebola AIDS. If you die, I will miss you alot (I might have to name my next pet "Alot"- so cute!)

That said, this reminds me of my friend who has low blood pressure. If she does not get enough water or salt, she gets dizzy or passes out. A normal flu might have the same effect. Do you know if you have low blood pressure?

Anyway, sending a-space-lot of good vibes your way!

Anonymous said...

maybe someone put something in your tea when you were not looking?

Genevieve said...

I just discovered your blog - the alot post attracted me, as a fellow grammar crusader who risks losing friends when I voice my frustration. Incidentally, my (un)favorite one is lose/loose - do you think you can work that into some kind of awesome teaching tool/crazy paint drawing? Maybe with dinosaurs? So I read through your blog and I felt excited when I got to the end and I won your award for reading the whole thing, and as a result I haven't done any work in days. Anyway, I'm glad you're not dead!

Sarah said...

Are you still alive?

That is all.

Snow said...

Allie!! Missing your posts.. Hope you feel better. Come back soon. Please don't die.

tara said...

Are those pearls in your mouth? Are your teeth made of pearls? because if so you could sell your teeth and make honest to goodness money for insurance!

Ina said...

:) http://inaspassion.blogspot.com/

NahdMahrNadle said...

Plas dan't ba daad. Aah Jast fahnd yaar blahg.
AAH NAHD MAAHR NADLE NAW!

Alice said...

Like others, I feel bad about laughing at this post when you were clearly on the brink of death. I have a friend with a weird heart and she's still alive so I'd take that as a good sign for you.
There was an ad for thermometers on the side of your blog today for $11:95. If enough people click on it then you could afford it. Yay!

Darkmage said...

Why has there been no new posts since the 20th?!

MUST HAVE HYPERBOLE! No Hyperbole will certainly lead to Ebola-AIDS!!

Mandar said...

7 days and no posts! Get well and write a post asap!

bookwormdaisy said...

I'm so glad you're not dead! Yay!

You know what you need? An advice column. You know, like Ask the Bloggess. You would be awesome!

bookwormdaisy said...

I'm so glad you're not dead! Yay!

You know what you need? An advice column. You know, like Ask the Bloggess. You would be awesome!

B-rad said...

Damn you. You have made me recant my life-long position that girls aren't funny. I wonder what other stances I will have to rethink in my life? Do you think Santa is fake too? Shit. I have some thinking to do...

Ulrik Poulsen said...

I've only just stumbled on your blog. I love it and hope to read many more posts. So for purely selfish reasons I am glad that you are not dead. But I am glad for your sake as well.

BlackLOG said...

I had a growth under my tongue recently, which was really worrying me. Since any visit to the doctors in the UK is, hard to arrange and generally a waste of time (they probably would have marked it down as "Weird Growth") I popped along to my dentist. The dentist was great, told me exactly what it was (Just the mouths version of a skin tag) and chucked in a decaling of the old molars at the same time. The only downside was I had my heart set on it growing into a second tongue, - My world tour plans for "Talking in tongues in a biblical fashion" are currently on hold....

Trabbs said...

I think I know what's going on here. The Alot post went viral and Allie got lots of new fans, and then she got sick and wrote about that and it was even awesomer than the Alot post and the fans kept building and building and now there are hundreds of visitors every day just staring at her saying "Come on, do something as hilarious as the last two posts. I told all my friends about you and they're all waiting too, so just go ahead." And the pressure is kind of getting to her, you know.

Maybe we should all just pretend we're not waiting. We can leave comments like, "I didn't come here to be entertained, I just wanted to let you know that there's a sale on Twizzlers at CVS this week" or "I didn't come here to be entertained. I'm just doing a research project for my Abnormal Psychology course. Don't mind me."

I really do hope that's it, rather than you getting sick again.

Rachel M Cantrell said...

Heyy chica I am stuck in school and need humorous stories!! Please post soon!!

Anonymous said...

I read the title of this post, but now you STILL haven't posted for a week. Did you speak too soon? Don't worry, I'll love you even if you are a zombie, but I just want to know whether or not you are, in fact, deceased.

Anonymous said...

I read the title of this post, but now you STILL haven't posted for a week. Did you speak too soon? Don't worry, I'll love you even if you are a zombie, but I just want to know whether or not you are, in fact, deceased.

Melissa said...

I just wanted to tell you that you just saved my day. I have been PMSing like a bitch and a friend at work just sent me your blog on grammar (ALOT) since I'm quite the grammar nazi. I then read your 4/20 post regarding your near death experience and I am convulsing with laughter sobs at my desk right now while my co-workers search futily for the straight jacket. So, thank you. I needed to laugh. And I'm a hypochondriac too, so nice to know I'm not alone in my cancer and heart attack terror fits.

Anonymous said...

I'm starting to worry that she's dead again, as it's been a week. :(

Coco said...

That's how I felt after P90x. Which is why I did it exactly 1/2 of a time.

mepsipax said...

Are you sure you aren't dead. Getting worried here. :(

Lindsay said...

Ok, I just watched an episode of House in which a blogger thought she was going to die...but didn't. Weird.

As bad as your situation was, she was even worse. Her gums were, like, bleeding into her face.

Very glad you're not dead. And that your gums aren't bleeding into your face.

Genius said...

I am glad you aren't dead!! I hope you feel better. I loved the Ebola part and the pictures were awesome

Callan said...

I hope you are alives

nothing.to.understand said...

I just found you a couple of weeks ago and decided that it was imperative I read every single post before I was worthy of posting a comment...then I finally finished only to find that you might..actually...be....dead?

Would you feel better if you found out that you're famous now? Or would that be horrifyingly ironic? I sincerely hope you are alive!!

Love, Kaylee

nothing.to.understand said...

So I just checked your twitter and I'm supposing you're just too occupied by your awesome new dog!
Yay for not being dead!

nothing.to.understand said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

this should be titled "why girls shouldn't write comics"

shitty.

KareBare said...

I just found your blog a few days ago and have been catching up ever since!! You are the first blog I have ever read (I know, I'm behind the times) and you are by far my favorite :) I'm glad to hear that you are OK and have a speedy recovery. I hope this doesn't keep you from adopting that dog!!

CarlyErin O'Neil said...

I think we must've gone to the same hospital...I've been in the exact same situation and the doctors (who you can totally tell have no clue what's wrong with you, so they test you like a senior after spring break) end up not being able to even figure out why your body is acting like it's dying! LOL. I laughed soooo frikken hard. Peeing in the cup--Epic. Write on!

Anonymous said...

Heyyy you make me laugh like The Oatmeal :D

Glad you're not dead. And it sounds to me like you need to eat more salty things (but don't overdo it) and hypotensiveness plus super sickness equals passing out and not breathing and low blood pressure! Been there, done that, with a side of asthma to go. Congrats of having like 500 comments on this blog post, and um, well I bet you've already gotten 1000 pieces of medical advice, but that's mine: eat more salt.

Miss Emish said...

there were too many typos in my original comment and I am embarrassed so I deleted it and now i will needlessly share again.

I, too, am a hypochondriac who actually gets sick. A few weeks ago I collapsed at work. Just fell right over in the hallway. Which resulted in a trip to the ER and I had a very similar experience to you. They have no idea what is wrong (surely it's ebola aids) even after poking me with numerous needles/forcing me to pee in a cup. Results: slightly elevated liver... stuff?.. I actually had to grill the nurse as I signed my release papers. "sooo....what's wrong with me then.... was I just dehydrated?" The nurses response? "Yeah, I guess." Now every time I stand up too fast and I get a little light-headed I think "ohmigawd I'm dying." You should bring your pain scale rating next time, I know I plan to.

Morayah said...

I love when doctor's say something is weird, and then tell you they don't know why.
It's like 'gee, thanks tips, I'm glad you told me something was wrong, because I TOTALLY don't feel like I'm dying.'

^^ this is definitely my first time commenting on your blog (does that make your post awesome for stealing my comment virginity?) and I want you to know, you're the most awesome person ever. :)

Anonymous said...

So this has nothing to do with your post... Or you in general... I just felt like you might be the only one who would understand my question. Do you ever try to capitalize numbers? Then look back at what you wrote and realize its definitely not !2 o'clock? Just wondering if anyone else does this.

san ling said...

Finally, a kindred spirit...visit me at johorkia.blogspot.com....

Dharma said...

kudos on the actual hitting some sort of aimed stream into the pee cup...been there, done that

there is no dignity in healthcare....just ask someone who has given birth

I am overjoyed you are alive.

Vanessa said...

Allie! Are you alive? The People want to know.

*julia said...

Allie-

Glad your not dead n stuff...but if you're not dead...you should definately be writing more blog posts asap. I mean...c'mon, it's all you have to do! Lets get er goin here!

Elisa said...

...so now I'm pretty sure that you're dead again. 8 days no post! ahhhhhhhh

Mark B said...

Allie we are worried about you - are you okay?

Mark B said...

Allie we are worried about you - are you okay?

Metaphoria said...

Are you sure you aren't dead?

Theresa H said...

Thank you for making my day so wonderful. :)

megwanderer said...

Punching man has a great moustache.

Rachie3 said...

I have recently discovered how alike we are... not the weird heart, I don't think.

We are both incredibly weird and random. But that makes us awkward... well when I have random outbursts no one knows what to say so I suppose that would mean I'm awkward and the way you describe yourself, you do the same... other than the random outbursts thing we are socially awkward...lol again I get that by the way you describe yourself...And apparently we are both borderline hypochondriacs... "Oh no it's a bruise! SKIN CANCER!" OR "*cough*"PNEUMONIA" *Wasp Stings Me* "Oh no! what if I'm allergic!!!"

this comment makes me seem like an asshole. I'm sitting here describing the alike-ness between us and you could have DIED!!! I'm a horrible excuse for a person

Angie said...

When I'm stressed I get palpitations, so I always freak out, and the doctor goes "it's all in your head." and I wanna smack him and go "no you idiot, it's in my heart!"

Louisa said...

Are you sure you're not dead? Because the lack of new posts is causing me concern.

We miss you , Allie! Come back!

Calamitybird said...

To the "anonymous" mechanical engineer and student of thermodynamics, Guillaume: I love you. Your comment was delightful. I want to take you home and feed you cookies and make you help me with my homework.

I'm pretty sure she's okay, though I think she's just playing with her new puppy. Allie, come back and entertain us!!

cbs111 said...

Dear Allie - I have had to actually work for a week without your posts to side track me. I hope you feel better and will come back soon to help me out.

Mrs. Keck said...

Hope you are not dead. Im worried since I have not seen any new posts.

Nicki said...

Bless your heart, hope you are feeling better!!!

Anonymous said...

I am hoping you are not dead. Do not give mustache-punchy-man the satisfaction!

Anonymous said...

PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD ALLIE.


It would make me sad.

Anonymous said...

are you now (ironically? appropriately?) dead? please don't be!

Shahrul Shaharuddin said...

nice blog!.. like to read all your post.. :D

yours
SH

angela said...

Feel better! And oh goodness, I haven't laughed this much in the longest time. You have a real talent for writing. And please, don't die!

Redo Your Makeup said...

...are you sure you're not dead...?

Jennifer McLean said...

Please tell me you're still NOT dead.
Missing you and your humorous posts.

Patricia Gan said...

Hey, Allie!
I used to have my own blogspot, but then I got kind of pissed when they changed the layouts and made you use XML so I left and joined tumblr when I learned about it, but then I found your blog and now I made a blog again because I wanted to let you know that you ROCK and you're getting more famous! YEAH!

Anthony said...

are you sure that you're not dead? i died last week. someone played Justin Bieber's "Baby" at my funeral and i resurrected to haunt her and her future progeny for eternity.

danielsleeps said...

wait allie! you haven't posted in a while and i'm scared... is everything okay? plz let us know you are okay!!!

Michael said...

You better not be dead, or I will find a live bear, an angry one, and I will put it in your room for when you stop being dead and it will eat you.

Nora said...

Upon waking up because my mono tonsils decided I didn't need as much oxygen or lack of pain as *I* thought, I was overjoyed to find your blog. I literally laughed until I cried, which is difficult when you're trying to moderate your sore throat. While I'm very, very sorry you feel so bad, I'm right there with ya. Your pics have truly made me feel better. Thank you so much! Keep sharing this with the world!!!

Andy said...

I'm waiting for the next post! Hurry up, unless you really are dead'n stuff. Then don't worry about it.

http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Hey, where are you? I just found your blog and love it and now its dead? WTF?

PS. Lets make out some time.

Sroyon said...

Hey Allie, I just discovered your blog and I love it! I'm surprised I hadn't found it earlier, since I spend a lot of time on the internets and yours such a funny, popular and generally awesome blog. Now I'm systematically reading all your old posts. I've blogrolled you; I hope that's okay with you.

Alexis said...

I love reading your blog, and kinda think we need to be bff, the stalking will start later. i just wanted to give you my warm thoughts and wishes for a speedy recovery!

Renee said...

Allie - I don't believe you anymore - I think you really are dead and you wrote this from beyond the grave just to trick us.

If you are really in fact dead, please write from beyone the grave just one more time so we can stop obsessively checking for new posts.

If you aren't dead - write a new entry already! I miss reading them!

Jeannine said...

I just got crazy obsessed with your blog and now you may or may not be dead...this is very concerning. Please don't be dead - I need to know more about bears and spaghatta nadles!

Mrs. Powers (806) said...

I hope you are still alive. Miss you!

Anonymous said...

There is a "mousetrap" function on the link for this post, where clicking on it causes an infinite number of duplicate windows to pop up on your screen. Uncool!

Anonymous said...

There is a "mousetrap" function on the link for this post, where clicking on it causes an infinite number of duplicate windows to pop up on your screen. Uncool!

Kimberlyand said...

Is anyone else kinda worried that Allie might really be dead now?? She hasn't posted in over a week.

I'm worried.

Please don't be dead.

Meg McG said...

Is it weird to check the local paper for news of you? That would be stalkerish I know. Hope you're back soon.
That horse accident was pretty freaky.

Anonymous said...

YOU NEED TO UPDATE MORE OFTEN. LIKE A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK AT LEAST!! IM REALLY REALLY REALLY GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWLS!!!

MM said...

The funniest about this post (and there were many) is that it triggered an AdSense ad for Thermometer Calibration. Oops.

MODG said...

I'm pretty sure you're dead now.

Anonymous said...

She´s not dead, she tweeted on twitter. Wow, I´m so glad!!!

Katness said...

It has now been well over a week since you posted saying you're not dead. I am no longer convinced you're not dead. Did the ebola catch up to you? Oh wait, you can't answer, you're dead.

Mayja said...

Air = Ebola Aids!!!

OMFG that was the best.

Glad to see you're feeling better!

Dagorath said...

You are not allowed to die, because I am fairly certain it will trigger the zombie apocalypse.

An Alot told me so.

Tall Girl said...

Hmmm...miss you, Allie. Really Really miss you. Sending you good wishes.

Kate said...

Holy crap, I hope you feel better and get some answers!

I am like you with the hypochondria, I went and had a sleep test done on the slight suspicion that I had sleep apnea and was terrified I'd stop breathing in my sleep.

Turns out I do not have sleep apnea. >_<

SirFWALGMan said...

I did not realize you were a chick at first.

carolyn roberts said...

My love, que increible todo lo que escribes!!! Wow, menos mal que estas viva mi amiguita de mi alma, no se como seria la vida sin ti!!! NOooooooOOOooooooo no por favor recuperate pronto, whatever the fuck it is you had please please please get well soon, I love you and I miss you like crazy!!!! ((((cuevita)))))) Te quiero tanto amiguita!!! tanto!!! Te he tratado de llamar y nada, ahora entiendo porque!!. Que lindo escribes mi amor, I"m looking forward to reading your best seller. Tu amiga del alma,
Carola.

carolyn roberts said...

My love, que increible todo lo que escribes!!! Wow, menos mal que estas viva mi amiguita de mi alma, no se como seria la vida sin ti!!! NOooooooOOOooooooo no por favor recuperate pronto, whatever the fuck it is you had please please please get well soon, I love you and I miss you like crazy!!!! ((((cuevita)))))) Te quiero tanto amiguita!!! tanto!!! Te he tratado de llamar y nada, ahora entiendo porque!!. Que lindo escribes mi amor, I"m looking forward to reading your best seller. Tu amiga del alma,
Carola.

Anne said...

Oh my god, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.. all while repeating aloud, "This IS NOT funny, this IS NOT funny." My husband had to come check on me. Now he is in throes of laughter, tears and sympathy.

Yay for not being dead! I just discovered your blog, and I cannot have you ending it now!

FrenchtownLassie said...

Wait.....the 4 second headache....don't think CANCER think STROKE@@!

Mrs. Powers (806) said...

Allie,
Are you well enough to read emails yet? I hope so. I am just happy you are not dead. I just found you!

Mrs. Powers (806) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Man, nearly the same thing happened to me once, right down to hyperventilating and a blood pressure of about 65/40. Was misdiagnosed as a panic attack, which I'm pretty sure _don't_ do that to your blood pressure.

Near as I can figure, it was actually severe dehydration, which may have also triggered something similar to asthma. It's really important to drink tons of water while sick, anyway.

Marta said...

Damn, Allie, you will be the death of me. Literally. Not only because this was so funny (sorry I'm laughing at your misery and brush with death) and I'm pretty sure this much laughing is gonna cause me to suffocate, but also because I have my English final tomorrow. And I haven't studied. Instead, I've been reading your blog. So when I fail my English test tomorrow, technically it'll all be your fault for writing such a funny blog that keeps poor me from studying. So I'll fail, drop out of school, not find any job that will take me, start living on the street, start doing sexual services for food and internet and die from some strange disease, it'll be all your fault. So, yeah, thanks for killing me. Still, I love your blog. I just wish I hadn't discovered it before my tests. Oh well, who needs to pass those anyway, eh?

stacy said...

Glad to hear you're feeling better. The "You have to pee" pic pretty much sums up my childhood. I had a lot of kidney tests. It sucked, but that pic made me laugh so hard that it makes up for a lot.

Jon said...

I love the picture of you on the couch staring off into space! I like your blog too. And that video of you dancing. Long walks on the internets, not rollerskating and swim-up bars at tropical island resorts are cool too. I'm pretty worldly.

Jon said...

I love the picture of you on the couch staring off into space! I like your blog too. And that video of you dancing. Long walks on the internets, not rollerskating and swim-up bars at tropical island resorts are cool too. I'm pretty worldly.

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