How a Sandwich Makes You Its Bitch in 11 Easy Steps

1.  At first, you are unaware of your desire for a sandwich


At this stage, you are generally unaware of any desire to eat a sandwich.  Maybe you are watching TV.  Maybe you are talking on the phone.  Whatever you are doing, you are content to be alive without a sandwich in your mouth. 

2.  Desire for sandwich registers


You become vaguely aware that something isn't right when a feeling of uneasiness engulfs you like a dark, suffocating fog.   You realize that you are going to need a sandwich.  

3.  Panic


HOLY SHIT!!!!!!  YOU NEED A SANDWICH RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!! 

This stage comes on abruptly and usually before you have time to even make it to the kitchen, let alone go through all the steps of preparing a sandwich.   You feel like your body is imploding into a black hole of hunger and without a sandwich to plug that hole, you will almost certainly perish. 

4.  Melodramatic journey to kitchen


Hunger has a way of bringing drama to the surface.  The combination of hopelessness and self-pity often leads to unnecessary theatrics. 

5.  Planning


Your sandwich is going to be the best sandwich ever.  A sandwich to rule all sandwiches.  No matter how many things you put on it, it always seems like there needs to be more things.  

6. Creation of a monstrosity that even you will look back on with shame and bewilderment


Hunger has clearly clouded your judgment because your sandwich turns out to be a towering atrocity of questionable meat and condiments that are wonderful on their own, but taken together, create an oozing sludge of nearly inedible failure.  

Despite this, you feel like you are some sort of mad genius.  You should be on Iron Chef!  You are creating new flavor frontiers!

7.  Anticipation


This is probably the best stage of eating a sandwich.   In this moment, you imagine a kind of nirvana that is not attainable by mortals.  Your mind conjures up a flavor experience so powerful that it defies logic.  As you sit there staring at your glorious sandwich, nothing else matters.  

8a.  First assault

 

You seem to have neglected a few details during preparation, namely the discrepancy between the size of your mouth and the size of what you can reasonably expect to fit inside something the size of your mouth.  Your sandwich is cumbersome and unwieldy.  If you want to eat it, you are going to have to get creative. 

8b.  Second assault 


8c.  Third assault 


9. Violence


You finally resort to trying to crush the sandwich with your hands.  You stand over it like a caveman, beating it with your fists in a fit of rabid frustration.  Condiment sludge squishes out the sides in rivers.  

10.  Success (?)


The sandwich finally submits to your reshaping efforts.  You have reduced your once majestic creation to a festering shadow of its former self, but it is now possible to put it in your mouth!  YAY!!!!  You think you've won.  

11.  Resolution

Sandwiches almost always end in one of two ways.  



If you made the unfortunate mistake of underestimating your hunger, you will be unable to enjoy the final third of your sandwich because you will be too busy being afraid that there will not be enough of it.  Every wonderful bite is filled with the painful realization that it is bringing you closer to having nothing more to eat.  You begin to panic.  You try taking smaller bites and chewing longer.  You alternate taking a real bite and just sniffing the sandwich and moving your jaw to simulate eating.  But nothing can reverse the inescapable fact that you didn't make yourself enough sandwich.

Conversely, if you overestimated the amount of free space inside of you, you will be faced with a harrowing battle of man against sandwich.  And the sandwich always wins.  If you force yourself to finish the sandwich, it will defeat you from the inside.  If you give up and leave part of the sandwich uneaten, it will haunt you with guilt and feelings of inadequacy.  

172 comments:

JustLinda said...

ELEVEN steps? ELEVEN?

Couldn't you have compressed two of the steps together for those of us who have number-OCD?

Things shouldn't end on 11 when 10 is RIGHT THERE.

Sigh. And you had so much potential....

Allie said...

Linda - See, I'm always reluctant to end on even numbers. And I will have you know that I specifically condensed several steps to avoid having 13 steps. You're welcome.

:)

Nova said...

I didn't want a sandwich today. At all.

Until I saw that delicious looking babe in step 6. How on Earth could you call her a mutant? That is one fine piece of 'wich if I ever saw one!

Damn. Now I want a sandwich....

soft nonsense said...

I usually enjoy my sandwiches via mind-eating, a la 8c.

Dee said...

Shit, uneveness?? Damnit all, now I will lose sleep!

Elly Lou said...

See? I was just telling my dentist that it's perfectly normal for a gal to have spherical teeth. Bitch didn't believe me. Now I have photographic (ish) proof.

Ben said...

I love steps 3 and 4 !!! That is me EVERY meal time, and it doesn't just relate to sandwiches!
And you are spot on with the situation about under estimating the amount of sandwich required and trying to stretch it out a little more with small bites! Totally ruins the whole sandwich experience!

Robin said...

That sandwich is sadly lacking in bear chips.

Anonymous said...

The sandwich always wins, yet I fight him every day...

I will defeat him someday!

dan said...

Milk shakes have the same effect on me.

Damn, now I need a milk shake. And a sandwich.

Simone Says... said...

the melodramatic journey to the kitchen is so true that it hurts. and yes, the sandwich always wins.

Matt said...

Good thing it is almost sandwich time for me! I am soon to embark on step number 4, a step which I had left previously unnamed. I thank you and your greatness for naming step 4 for me, as I would have been quite lost on my own.

There is, however, one discrepancy between your list of steps and my own... my third assault tends not to be mind eating, rather, I usually attempt to karate chop the sandwich in half so as to make smaller portions for ease of mastication, but I usually just get the condiment schlop on my hand.

Ray Cray said...

im so glad i'm not the only one who uses the word implode in everyday conversation.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

It's always the potato chips for me. They win every time. I always buy the super-sized bag of rippled chips, but it's too big to eat all at once (although sometimes I do, and then I'm sick for 3 days), but if I leave some to another day, I feel bad for the remaining chips, and guilty that I didn't share my chips with the kids.

It's never-ending.

And I like that you ended at 11. Although in reality it's more like 13 because you kind of cheated with the 3-step #8, which you most probably did to avoid having a #13 in the first place. Whatever.

April said...

Now I want a sandwich. However, there is not nearly enough time to prepare before the commercials are over and Lost is back on. Dammit!

sereneowl said...

That 11th step is painfully true. A similar situation comes up in restaurants. If you order a wrap or sandwich, there is always an option for fries.
If you get the fries, you will inevitable indulge in too many fries during the sandwich eating process, and by the end... too much sandwich. But if you don't get them, you finish your sandwich only to find about 5-10 fries would totally hit the spot. No win situation.

Lauren said...

You are so damn funny I am going to come here to get my laughing jag on!

Between this and the bunny story I am fortified for the evening!

Curiosity said...

Are those cleverly-disguised bear chips that he's thinking of in the upper left corner. I totally think of putting disguised bear chips in my sandwiches too.

(For the record, that is always too much sandwich.)

Jennifer McLean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
*uncorked said...

Son of a bitch. I just read a post about some dude named Cheng and I wanted some PF Chang's lettuce wraps - now I read this and all I can think about is a GD sandwich. OF COURSE I have no bread because my fat ass needed french toast last night.

Gnetch said...

I'm obsessed with the third assault drawing. When the soul finally claims the sandwich! Haha!

Jennifer McLean said...

that's why it's always good to have a sandwich buddy with you. Then you can make too much sandwich on purpose. When you get to the "I'm done" phase you had off the rest to your sandwich to your sandwich buddy (see: dog). Now HE can deal with the NOT ENOUGH SANDWICH problem and leave you a happy camper.
*evil laugh*
(If you love your dog too much to leave him in this quandary then just substitute dinosaur goose instead)
~Jenn
(damn, now I want a sandwich and I don't have a dog ... or a goose.)

Drew said...

Winners never admit defeat to a sandwich.

That feeling of impending death from too much sandwich is just one step closer to glorious victory. Your job now to keep the sandwich from escaping, leave enough room to breathe, and let your stomach acids inflict upon the sandwich its final, grisly demise.

Anonymous said...

This is 100% accurate

Annie Wonder said...

I'm gonna throw this out there: This is my new favoritest blog ever. What did it for me: The fish entry.

Thank you for your contribution to the world.

dancer4life said...

I officially want a pet mutant sandwich.

I've been randomly checking this all night. I tell myself to leave and then half and hour later this creepy little voice in the back of my head goes "maybe she's posted something now...can't hurt to look!" For once those voices in my head were actually right!

Edward Chik said...

I am now filled with the urge to construct a marbled bread, meat stuffed monstrosity to appease my desire for sandwiching satisfaction. Off I go!

Tony said...

There is nothing worse than underestimating your hunger when it comes to sandwiches. I mean, sandwiches take a lot of prep time, and you probably spend a good five to ten minutes making your sandwich, and you eat it in three minutes, and you're left feeling hungrier than you were before.

Sandwiches are the delicious devil.

Mel said...

HOLY SHIT!!!!!! YOU NEED A SANDWICH RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!

I'm disturbed by this because of how often my food-related internal monologue sounds exactly like that. Eeekk.

You're coming 2nd in the USP comp so far, btw. Congratulations on your ugly potential! Teehee =D

Ben said...

Now I want a sandwich but I'm afraid.. o_o what do I do

Ben said...

Now I want a sandwich but I'm afraid.. o_o what do I do

Dorkus said...

Don't you know, a sandwich tastes a million times better if it is made by someone else.

By the way I just found your blog today and absolutely love it. The goose story was the best.

Jimena said...

:D yeyyyy I knew this was something normal people experienced aswell

Amanda said...

YES, I thought I was the only one to eat a really really good sandwich slowly because it was simply not enough sandwich.

ThatGirlDev said...

This so happened to me today! Except I didn't make the sandwich I made people make me a sandwich at the sandwich shop where they make the best sandwiches ever.

But, I underestimated my hunger and I thought I didn't have enough sandwich so I tried to savor the sandwich and eat slowly. But, then my stomach tried to kill me when I tried to finish my sandwich. Now I feel guilt for not eating the last bite.


Poor Poor last bite of Mr. Awesome Sandwich. Its probably going to eat me in my sleep for not eating it. :s

Hef said...

Are you pregnant? Because I can only relate to shit like this during pregnancy.

valkyrie said...

OMG there is only one place in the world that makes PERFECTLY sized sandwiches, and it exists in portland, OR. i'm now 3,000+ miles away from it, sob.
however, you are closer, so if you ever get that way...
east side deli, look it up, i wish they would ship to my house.

SA5MI said...

I had a sandwich today! nom nom nom
totally owned it too

IAN WRIMYN said...

I don't know if anyone already said this, but I hate it when you look in your refrigerator (or in the snow refrigerator outside) and there is NO SANDWICH FOOD and you are forced to make a chip and ketchup sandwich on a raisin English Muffin.

Nikoliosis said...

The same is true for burritos, omelettes, and basically anything concocted while drunk.

Galadriel said...

Damn oppressive sandwiches! Always telling me what to do :(

I started keeping alfalfa sprouts on hand a few weeks ago. Alfalfa sprouts and provolone cheese by themselves make quite a tasty sandwich. It does help to put them between bread, but I'm sure it's not necessary. Now I want sandwiches three (or five) meals a day and that just can't be healthy.

ROSIE said...

I can relate to step 5. I have been known to add weird things to my sandwiches. Your blog is hilarious, btw.

LGendrot said...

If this described my life any more perfectly I would have to say that you are quite obviously stalking me. However, I see that you are simply like me in every way shape and form.

Ipso facto, you are amazing and I applaud you.

Jills said...

Holy shit, I now REQUIRE a sandwich. :(

johnny said...

You forgot one worse alternative than either of those two, the I WANT A SANDWICH NOW! followed by finding the best stuff ever to put in it then, no bread, it is the worlds worst moment.

Shaun said...

Let the assault on sandwiches begin! Death to mutant sandwiches!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I almost wanted a sandwich. Luckily I don't eat bread and therefore that catastrophe was averted.

I wonder why this woman I use to work with would say she wanted a sangwich. I always had to check how sandwich was spelled and it is with a d not a g. We're good.

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

Everybody loves a good sandwich to stuff in their maw.

Ariane said...

I feel the same way about omelettes. I LOVE finding leftovers and just plopping them in the eggs like, "You're gonna be delicious!"
The worst is when you have the perfect combination of egg, tomatoes, leftover meat, cheese, and then you get distracted and it burns.
My whole day is just ruined after that.

Nick Fabiani said...

You are literally a genius.

I finally found a good sandwich near where I work, and now it has consumed my soul. All I want is that want chicken salad sandwich. Whenever I make myself a sandwich in the morning I think "Oh, this will be great!" But by lunch time, all I am is disappointed that I won't be having that chickeny goodness. And then I feel bad for not wanting my sandwich. It's miserable.

I think the secret ingredient is cocaine.

Harini said...

Now I want a sandwich! This post has pushed me into step3

Ed said...

Every time I experience this, I get to the making phase and realize, we are out of FUCKING bread!

Breadless sandwiches just aren't the same.

Mik said...

Pure, True and Unadulterated Brilliance. xD

Shannon said...

I was eating a sandwich while I was reading this, and unfortunately the sandwich was definitely not big enough. I WANT MORE! Now I'm all out of sandwich making materials and I'll have to settle on a bowl of cereal or something to make my stomach happy. :(

Joe Mauriello said...

I love sandwiches! Everything about them is so great!!

skye said...

holy shit I'm laughing my ass off. this entire thing sounds just like me, especially step eleven with the "not enough sandwich" part. thanks for the laugh! =]

Lisa said...

I Honestly was just thinking before I stumbled aross this site, 'I'm sooo fucking hungry I could eat my own goddamn arm.' And now..all I can think about is sandwhiches.. and I cant make one either because we have no bread!! NO BREAD!! its 5am!! where the hell am I gonna find bread now???!!!!!! ..i think i might cry. :(

Anonymous said...

Do not surprised if my ghost self shows up in your living room one day, directing you to my sad premature online obituary where it details in gruesome (and pathetic) fashion how I ended up choking to death on -something- from laughing too hard while reading YOUR blog.

No seriously, I was just innocently enjoying my Sour Cream and Onion chips when I decided to visit today.

Near death experiences aren't nearly as much fun as they're made out to be. ):

biff-dyskolos said...

I think you missed some steps between 5) Planning and 6) Creation.

5a) Reality Bites Back

Half the stuff you planned to put in your sandwich isn't in the fridge!

5b) Plan "B"

You attempt to improv the second best sandwich ever with what you actually have on hand.

Dan said...

If you look at it the right way, your mutant sandwich looks like it has a seriously awesome mustache and is really happy about it.

Shinxy said...

Now I need a sandwich.

I don't have bread or sandwich fillings.

:'(!

"Awesome" Dan said...

Is there any reason why the Over-estimated pic looks somewhat like a beached whale? It also kinda looks like an ill T-Rex... T-Rex Whale? Can a whale be a Rex?
...

Just puttin' it out there.

Matt said...

It is my dearest hope that 9. Violence becomes the new 3. Profit.

Ashton King said...

I had no idea eating a sandwich was so complicated. Now I'm kind of fearful of my next sandwich encounter!

Dagorath said...

I do not have this problem because I only eat sandwiches with one (1) filling.

Really.

I also now have a major urge to go write a blog about how multi-filling sandwiches are Satan.

Thanks. I think.

Dagorath said...

I hate to ask this really but...

Ben, up there? Um. Why do you have a penis with an antenna as a picture?

(Says the guy with a cat-headed gamer chick.)

Ben said...

Dagorath: Its a unicorn head not a penis.

Judy said...

My husband makes monster salads. He wipes out my entire pantry when he makes one. I try to race to the kitchen before he dishes out my serving cause he gives me enough for a construction worker and then he pours half a bottle of dressing on it.
Last night I almost gagged from all of the blue cheese dressing. I had to pretend that I was full, not sick, so he wouldn't be offended.
Salads and husbands are sneaky too.

Firebolt said...

Ahahahahha

This blog never runs short of awseomeness <3

Elise said...

Are you putting peas on your sandwich? Cause I'm pretty sure that's doing it wrong.

I always make too much sandwich and then I choke it all down and get sad :(

Moooooog35 said...

..do bulimics have 22 steps?

Because don't they puke and have to do this all over again?

chris said...

This guy has a serious sandwich karma issue. I wonder what he did to sandwiches as a child to deserve this. And perhaps you could have prevented it by just posting this sooner. Yes, it's all your fault...

jill said...

Are you pregnant? Because this post perfectly describes "the pregnant woman," or "the breast-feeding woman." Except, it's not just a sandwich that is craved, but a really obscure concoction of things you haven't eaten in a really long time. Loved this post!

Samuel Contreraz said...

I always defeat my sandwhiches... ALWAYS!

Samuel Contreraz said...

I always defeat my sandwhiches... ALWAYS!

miriam said...

I was eating a sandwich while reading this - which turned out to be a great idea!

I was too busy giggling to finish the other half of my sandwich (onion and cheese.... obviously it wasn't a well thought out sandwich) and so by the time I finished reading and laughing - I was hungry again!

Ta da! Sandwich problem hereby solved.

Lesly said...

...I never make a mutant sandwich. I usually go with simplicity over extravagance. This, of course, means I either choose the classic PB&J or the mouth-watering grilled cheese. I am content with either one.

Though... if I am hungry... I tend to make more than one sandwich. Then I can claim that #11 is true.

Daniel Hammerberg said...

Hilarious!

jemoniker said...

Pure awesomeness!

t.bird said...

this entry makes me question why the American people didn't elect you as madame president.

mmm samich!

beesus said...

honestly the only way the mutant sandwich as pictured could be better was if it was jammed into a toastite and held over a flame sealing it until it becomes a greasy grilled ball of potential intestinal woe.

Truth.

Susan said...

Ha ha love no. 6 - kiiilll meee...

Many a time have i made a sandwich that looked like that and i had to take pity on!!

Johana Hill said...

Those 11 steps look and sound familiar to me. If I'm not wrong, it happens to me everyday!

You are a genius! ;p

Shelley said...

I'm so glad I found your blog through 20sb yesterday! It makes me laugh more than any other blog I read. Thank you! Being at work while reading it is kind of a kill joy because I have to stifle my laughs.

moneycar said...

I just wanted to say that your blog is wonderful, and I've now spent most of the last week (at work, while I'm supposed to be actually working) reading your entire blog.

Thank you!

MrEff said...

Ha, this is too true! I spent the majority of my uni life living on sandwiches not because I was too lazy to cook but because they are just the best way to eat almost anything, especially bacon.

Chase said...

"If you force yourself to finish the sandwich, it will defeat you from the inside. If you give up and leave part of the sandwich uneaten, it will haunt you with guilt and feelings of inadequacy."

So true!!

miss. chief said...

you rule.


p.s. have you seen the facebook group called Fans of Allie Brosh or whatever it's called? yes!

John Kelly said...

Love the site. And one day i will make a huge multi-layered sandwich like they have in cartoons like Tom and Jerry.
Speaking of sandwiches, and I'm sure this may be old news for some, here's a story about a guy who DISLOCATED HIS JAW TRYING TO EAT A BIG SANDWICH:
http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/man-bites-off-more-than-he-can-chew-dislocates-jaw-on-huge-sandwich/19423893

Stephanie ~ Meowrawr said...

This post seems to be quite the advocate for sandwiches taking over the world. Look at all the sandwich-crazed people you've made lust for another sandwich Allie! Now we're all doomed to be sandwich bitches yet again.

Now excuse me while I submit myself to Step 4...maybe even combining it with 5 because I'm envisioning the goodness that is ham.

Werbs said...

My favorite sandwich has the following ingredients...

Ham
2 Eggs
Cheese
Half an Avocado
Pepper
Salt
Hot Sauce
Olive Oil
Onions
Lettuce
Mayonnaise

All on sourdough

Miss Mayhem said...

Wow. I usually just go to Subway so that I am not at fault when the sandwich is too big or too small. I have a better chance of suing Subway than myself!

CP said...

Eating something with the second assault technique was what prompted my husband to marry me.

CP

Andhari said...

OKAY that's the story of my life when I'm starving hahaha I'm shameless like that :p

AS said...

Oh man, this is so getting recognized on the Cleveland Sandwich Board.

Scottsdale Girl said...

That sammich looks like it has liverwurst on it. Bleh.

Liver. Wurst. Think about it.

Salt said...

I wasn't starving before I read this and I am now.

Does that sandwich have eggs, peas, and nacho cheese Doritos on it?

*droooool*

Annie said...

I'm trying to figure out the exact fantasized sandwich combo in the 5. Planning cartoon...

Fried egg-bacon-ham-nacho-chip-mustard-ketchup-maybe jelly-and ....pea?.... sandwich? Maybe olives? Capers? I MUST KNOW.

Teeny said...

Your blog is my new favorite thing. I laugh out loud at it inappropriately at work everyday.

hellotaylor said...

I am so glad I found your blog, I really really needed a good laugh. You, my dear, are hilarious.

Sasha said...

I am currently at step 3, and it is aggravated by the fact that we have only about half of the necessary ingredients to make a respectable sandwich. CRAAAP.

Anonymous said...

You aren't the oatmeal

Unforgettable said...

okay, so maybe its too soon, but will you marry me Allie? (i rhymed, yay!)

Okay now seriously, does anyone know how to make a sandwich without bread or any sandwich making things? I might have to resort to chewing my spoon again...

Anonymous said...

Shoulda been one more step...a twelve step self help sandwich blog entry.
#12 Came to believe that we are powerless over the sandwiches we create

J-Rod said...

LMAO!

This seriously just happened to me today! That bacon, ham n' guacamole sandwich made me it's bitch =/

Anyway thanks for making my day, I'll make sure to thumbs this up =D

Glenallen said...

I spoke with Michelle Obama and she said knock off the blogs about sandwiches because we already have enough obesity in this country. Next blog has to be about the joy of jogging.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the first comment, 11 steps is far too many. This is a 3 step process.

1. It registers in your brain that you're hungry.
2. BIIIIIIITCH!! MAKE ME A SAMMICH
3. Enjoy delicious freshly made sandwich wilst getting a foot rub. All before halftime is over.

QuarryLaneFarms said...

What about Step-12: "The Nap" ?!?!!?

Often done w/ the empty dirty plate-on-belly-technique as you serenade the blaring TV with your snoring while strategically positioned on the couch of champions.

Newbies need not apply for this highly competitive position.

Damien said...

My sandwiches also come out way too big as well :(

Anonymous said...

Besides the fact that your blog is hilarious (which is a given, just sayin'), I relate so hard to every post. The stuff about thinking about Psycho while in the shower or your constant need to personify inanimate objects or basically anything else you say (love of pet rats, procrastination, staying up until 5am out of paranoia...) = my life.

So besides thanking you for making me laugh like nothing else can, i have to say thanks for making me feel less insane! (or, at least, less alone in my insanity)

Annie said...

@Unforgettable...

If you don't eat bread, I've had "low-carb" version sandwiches where the meat/fillings/condiments are wrapped in crisp lettuce leaves...quite good actually.

Though I prefer the bread, myself.

BlackLOG said...

I once made Mrs B cry when I made her a sandwich....

It was just after Christmas one year and I asked her if she wanted a Sandwich.

She requested a turkey and salad cream filling.

All was going really well until I decided to go all creative on her and turned it into a super sandwich adding layer on layer of items that were hanging around the fridge. It became far more than a light late
night snack as it took on a life of its own. About an hour later I presented it to her. She took one bite spat most of it out and yelled what the hell is this I wanted turkey and salad cream and promptly burst into tears.

I think I may have pushed her passed the "I need food now" stage that women seem to have.....Still the cats enjoyed it which meant I didn't have to clear up the mess....

Crantini said...

I just ate too much sandwich. But it was worth it.

sparkymarky1973 said...

aah but you forget that eternal conundrum- to toast or not to toast, that my friends is the question!

Jordan said...

did you hear about the dude who dislocated his jaw trying to eat a big sandwich? Google it. He is my hero(and like someone I look up to, not sandwich)
We are one step closer to becoming snakes people!

Anonymous said...

I can only relate to number 11, but that's enough to make me love this post. Ok, that and the super funny pictures. Plus it's interesting to know how other people feel about sandwiches and how they transport themselves to the kitchen. BUT that's not why I'm writing. I wanted to post my comment under the extreme muscle builder but I was afraid you wouldn't read comments under an older post. Do you get to read them as they're posted or would you have to hunt for them like everybody else? I don't know how blogs work. ANYWAY !!!! It's five fifteen am and the first thing I do is read Bear Chips. That gets me in Laughter Readiness. Then I start on Animals and by the time I come to the Extreme muscle builder and the impaling abs I am laughing the nearly mute wheezy laugh because if I let it rip completely I'll wake up my roommates and I'm crying so hard I HAVE TO BLOW MY NOSE. I'm sooooooo glad you didn't become a doctor!

rich said...

Yow! Those cartoons are great. Simple drawings, but they are funnieee.

witch's said...

AHAHAHA! This is SO me! I LOVE sandwiches! But hungry me + desire for sandwich + kitchen stocked primarily with condiments = sadness (usually in the form of TOO MUCH SANDWICH!)

A friend recently introduced me to this site and now I'll never get homework done again. You are hilarious. Go ahead and put a couple unobtrusive ads up - you deserve to get paid.

Kendra said...

I am so glad I found your blog (and I don't even like sandwiches! but i sure love pie more than cake). My friend shared one of your posts on google reader and I haven't stopped laughing since. I laugh until I cry or until my stomach hurts so much that I can't take it anymore. My husband loves them too. He says you should make a book. Sell it on lulu.com or something.

Allan said...

Honestly, it looked like your mutant sandwich had a mustache instead of horrifying mouth. I think the mustache made it more horrifiying.

Sara said...

I am a bit terrified. I never realized that sandwiches ruled my life in such a manner. I had a sandwich last night... oh lord. Oh lord, I'm going to die, I'm being ruled by my need for sandwich...

THANK YOU, ALLIE, FOR INFORMING ME OF THIS TERRIBLE THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME...

Anonymous said...

Speaking of nice looking sandwiches...

http://www.bustedtees.com/silf

Jamie said...

I have just started reading your blog...and i have to say... I LOVE YOU! I have never loved a blog this much before!

- Jamie

Jenny said...

1) you're awesome and my sister introduced me to this and now i'm obsessed.

2)i've read every thing, including advertisement whore, b-sides, the forum, and the weird dolphin thing

2) i've passed this site on to others. so that you'll be famous. and rich. you're welcome.

3) what do you do on days when you don't blog?

Jenny said...

4) i can't count.

raeraisin said...

I went for a run this evening. This isn't unusual - I run pretty regularly - however this time I experienced level 8 on your very accurate pain scale (disturbing amount of pain, might actually be dying, someone for the love of jebus save me). What did I have for lunch? A SANDWICH. The worst kind of sandwich in fact. Satan's sandwich. Subway. EVIL.

Jupiter said...

Is that a Patronus in step 8c?

Jasmine said...

I was having a really crappy evening, then I read your blog and it's a little less crappy. Thanks for being awesome! :)

JSitterley said...

Yay for sandwiches! Except right before you run. I always attempt to eat just a little sandwich, for running energy, but then I end up eating too much sandwich, because I'm so good at making nummy sandwiches. Run + too much nummy sandwich = oy.

kpr5048 said...

I go through this exact same process...except for pooping. Every single step checks out, particularly 6 and 7. And yes I created a google account just to say that.

Aaron said...

.....

I read all your posts, but the last one says:

"The following people have displayed an almost fanatical devotion to this blog," which is followed by NOTHING...

Is there a prequel to your blog?

Sam said...

i like blog funny

good work

i hope u have a peaceful day

Scott said...

allie-

i'm drunk right now and i just want you to know i wish i had something new to read right now.

but i've read all of everything.

if this is weird because it's the first comment ever, i'm sorry.

i've stumbled upon your blog and i just want you to know you are the coolest of all everything.

Strawberry Templetons said...

You're funny. I'm funny too, but you're just a smidge funnier. Unfortunate for me, but that means you're really, really funny. Good for you! I read your blog while I'm at work, but I try to look serious so that nobody knows I'm not actually working, which results in an awful grimmace/laugh face and strange noises which are actually supressed laughs, but I'm sure my coworkers think I'm a bit mental. Thanks for making me look like a weirdo! I'll read your blog forever. Seriously.

Ann-Marie said...

Bahaha, I love this. And your blog, period. I stumbled on your fishing entry and about died laughing, browsed a bit and died again with Spaghatta Nadle, then spent way too long reading your archives. All that to say, you're great, and I'm excited to have a new funny blog to follow :D

Toe said...

This epic tale of the sandwich is spot on my dear, except for the slight addition of the green spots in step 5. What are they supposed to be peas? Peas on a sandwich! That is just wrong.

Kelley at My Island Wedding said...

oh so fun!

i wish i could find the post i did not too long ago about my favorite sandwich place in south beach, FLA! La Sandwicherie!

ah well, i will keep looking and drooling (roast beef, camembert, dressing, pickels on either a croissant or french bread... mmmmmm.!)

-kelley

Lanned said...

When I think of sandwiches...i think of chips...here I think of bear chips which remind mind me of cow chips and then I completely lose my appetite...sandwiches suck...

confessor69 said...

Oh, shit....do I want a sandwich, or what?

Anonymous said...

Ahh yes the agonizing preparation of the sandwich. You know you have to do it, but you contemplate just eating the entire fridge

Justin said...

There is a third alternative ending that I think you overlooked, and that is the split the difference compromise that always ends in a revenge of the sandwich scenario. This is when you concede that the sandwich is too big to finish and decide to save the remainder in the fridge.

When you return to it, it will have congealed and mixed into a disgusting mess, but you will nonetheless take at least one bite and squinch your face in disgust before admitting defeat and throwing it away.

Justin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Does anyone else think that the sandwich in picture number 6 looks like it has a moustache? Maybe it's just me.

Nell and Pat Abroad said...

Did you see you are on gofugyourself.celebuzz.com? One awesome blog I read merged with another awesome blog I read! They apparently feel you on the sandwich thing.

Anonymous said...

Isn't this just a verbose crudely drawn Blondie cartoon?

soft nonsense said...

Dear above Anonymous:

No.

So THHBBBTTT :P

Shoo.

Anonymous said...

Want Sandwhich now. Dont have one.

T_T

elizawhat.com said...

No one could say it better. Ah, the paradox of the sandwich...

Amy said...

You. Are. A. Genius. Wise and witty beyond your years.

Katie said...

The drawings are really fucking priceless.

Atilme said...

I just ate a sandwich from getting to step #1 to step #2 in about the time it took me to read the post. Step #5 did not apply, and I skipped steps #8a-9, straight to success, perhaps because I skipped step #5? But step #11 got me in the end, and now I want more sandwich. Alas, 'tis sunflower seeds for now.

Samm said...

Thank god it wasn't 13 steps because I'm highly superstitious about sandwich articles.

Nicholas said...

Allie, just so you know, Sandwicherie is the highest of art. Your moustachioed sandwich illuminates much of what many sandwich makers have long feared, namely that sandwiches truly do have a life of their own and thus raise the question: is sandwich eating right? or is it wrong to destroy Man's most beautiful creations?
Whichever decision your noble discovery forces humanity to decide upon, whether sandwich eating be ethical or not, I am sure we will see each other mowing noms of 'wich crumbs long past any moral quandary. Hunger has no regard for beauty, even that of the sandwich.

Anonymous said...

Have a woman make you a sammich.

Misty said...

This is awesomely awesome. And also terrific. And hilarious.

I would like to send you money, but I am also poor.

If I become demi-champion of the internet, and quasi-rich, I will send you money, okay?

(Don't hold your breath. Unless you can hold it for like a really really long time. I don't want to be responsible for any deaths of bloggers. Especially the funny ones. Then we'd be left with all the non-funny ones, and that would just be sad.)

Anonymous said...

JustLinda...you are probably just used to two steps...

1. Your man wants a sandwich.
2. You make him a sandwich.

cityangelz said...

darn. Now i want a sandwich while at work.

Shall demand that we all go to Subway for lunch!

Anonymous said...

Damn. Laughing so hard at this blog (especially sandwichy) that now my 'not sleeping' has become "NOT SLEEPING" and I shall have to get up and clean my bathroom and try to determine if I can read more of your blog at work tomorrow or if the company internet Hitler will ding you back to the web and tell my boss I was goofing off. Hey, you try staving off run-on sentences at 3am. -Tiff

Cattrix said...

I don't even eat sandwiches, and now I want one,.,.. YOU ARE A MONSTER.. the Devil Incarnate.
My fridge contains maple syrup old tofu with a fuzzy green sauce and a dessicated chicken carcass. And I don't drive.
I know curses, ..., just saying.

Alysee Maree said...

This maybe the best thing i have ever ever seen in the history of ever.

Zax said...

Now I feel hungry for s sandwich...

Anonymous said...

Please PLEASE make tshirts, posters, etc. of this. I've read it at least 10 times and I actually laugh out loud every time.

Amanda said...

I just went back and read every single entry (whilst getting paid - my job is boring) and this entry, along with the things to do with a brick entry are possibly two of the funniest things I've ever read. Loves it!

Joe G said...

Omg, step 11 is seriously my life. It's either "Oooooooh I need more sandwich..." or "Fuck, I have waaaaay too much sandwich..."

Like you're eating and you start getting to the end and realize this sandwich is totally grossing you out.

I eat alot of sandwiches, where they are considered rare and meaty game.

Nell said...

This post makes me think that you are actually me in an alternate personality Fight Club type of way. This is the truest and most accurate desription of my own life that I have ever experienced.

Jamie Willow said...

it's the most fun to watch others go through this and follow them around....they usually end up making you a sandwich too which is nice. lol.

KyleClick said...

You forgot the most important step! Wrap in bacon!

Amy said...

You know what I love about the sandwich? It looks like it has a giant mustache.

Rooster Shamblin said...

http://roostershamblin.wordpress.com/ please read my chicken blog. I am certain you will enjoy it.

Josh said...

"Conversely, if you overestimated the amount of free space inside of you, you will be faced with a harrowing battle of man against sandwich. And the sandwich always wins."

Total bullshit. Anyone who ends up in this situation where they've had "too much" sandwich and they're regretting it later is just a pansy.

My local deli has a sandwich lovingly titled the GBMF (think about it) which contains Corned Beef, Pastrami, Turkey, Roast Beef and Brisket with Cole Slaw, Russian Dressing, Swiss Cheese and Lettuce, Tomato & Onion; I can't find an image of it but for a comparison it's three of these, essentially: http://static1.px.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/5rKQl9s4K_SI8lyXQFZjXA/l

I can down a GBMF and not have any problems.

Danny said...

Hmm... Well, I think I'll go make myself a sandwich.

Mike said...

I especially like how the end picture, on the right the guy looks like a shark foaming at the mouth.