The Year the Easter Bunny Died

Fear can help to cement every detail of a particular memory into a child's brain.

The memories I have of my fifth Easter are extremely vivid.

The day before Easter, I was bursting with anticipation.  I could recall that the year before had yielded a hefty amount of chocolate and jelly beans and that there were bright colored things and baskets and  a magic rabbit that somehow made all of the other stuff happen.   I was understandably completely out of my mind with excitement.


It wasn't long before my little brain began concocting a scheme to squeeze every last bit of sugary goodness out of the opportunity before me.  


I was going to trap the Easter bunny and make him my slave.   I was going to have an unlimited supply of chocolate forever!


I went to bed that night with the plan firmly in place in my mind:  wake up early.  Go outside and hide in the bushes.  When the Easter bunny appears, trap him in a bag or under a blanket then put him in a hole or in my closet where he can't get away.  It was flawless.  

I fell asleep, content with my strategy.


When I awoke, I was filled with rabid excitement about my almost certain future of unlimited chocolate. 


I grabbed my blanket and raced down the hall:


I threw open the back patio door. 

 

I was shocked to see my poor, tired mother kneeling in the grass, a brightly colored egg in her hand; her head adorned with rabbit ears. 


Imagine that you are five years old.  You have just exploded enthusiastically out of your house, expecting to find the Easter bunny, which you are hoping to trap and keep as your chocolate-making slave.  Instead, you find your mom.  There is no Easter bunny in sight even though he is supposed to be there.  Your mom is wearing rabbit ears.  

What does your brain do with this information?  Mine did this: 


=


My mom killed the Easter bunny and harvested his ears to wear as a hat.   What.  The.  Fuck.   Grief-stricken and terrified, I fled to my room. 



My mom, unaware of the correlation between her rabbit ears and my sudden terror, followed me to offer comfort. 


I can only imagine her confusion.  I'm pretty sure she assumed that I was simply upset over the realization that the Easter bunny wasn't real.  But no.  It took me at least five more years to figure that out.  My mother sat on the bed with me, trying her hardest to convince me that she was just "helping" the Easter bunny because he was "sick."  The whole time I was inching away from her; wondering what other kinds of sickening crimes such a monster was capable of. 


I don't remember how (or even if) the situation was resolved.  I don't remember whether I looked for eggs that year or just sat stunned in a corner of my room all day.  I DO remember worrying about the safety of Santa Clause the next Christmas.  I sat in the hallway closet and watched my stocking, prepared to jump out and surprise any would-be attackers.  No one was going to lay a finger on Santa if I had anything to say about it.  

101 comments:

Mel said...

OOOOHHH!! :-O

The damage is done now. That image of your sadistic mother is firmly imprinted on my brain. That one MS paint'd frame had more power than all of your words, and now every time I think of the easter bunny, I'm going to be overwhelmed with fear for that little critter, as he undertakes the terrifying task of delivering chocolate-y goodness in such close proximity to so many rabid mum's.

Thanks a lot, Allie.

JOKING!! This is too funny for words. I LOVE your blog!! I weep for all the poor souls who haven't discovered your blog yet. Keep being Allie! Promise?

LadyInRed said...

I'm in love with cartoon Allie! SHe is so freakin' awesomely funny!
My chest is actually aching from laughing so much. You. Are. Genius. I swear.

Unforgettable said...

Ok, my sister just nearly had a seizure reading this. She took rotfl to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL! This is great and Happy Easter btw! :)

Firebolt said...

Oh myyy...


This was soooo funny..
but yes very enjoyable..

Really,
your blog is the beshtest!! :D :D

Brilliant!!! LOOOL

Juno said...

Awesome.

I think it takes a really special five year old to think of amputation before any other possible explanation. But apparently those five year olds apparently turn into hilarious bloggers. That is an epic win-win for earth in general. I'm going to go teach my nieces and nephews about amputation now. For the sake of the world.

Helena said...

L.O.L!
the facial expression of you witnessing your mothers evilness is priceless! What. The. Fuck. is perfect! LOVE IT! i also find it rather hilarious that you planned to steal the Easter bunny.. when i was that age my dads favourite form of entertainment was telling me he was going to kill the Easter bunny and cook it up because meat is better than chocolate, this may have resulted in some serious psychological trauma...

Nikita said...

That's so awesome, you are a really great writer, and have a talent to draw meaningful facial expressions on stick figures :)

warriorwoman said...

Thanks for the laugh. I can just imagine how terrifying Christmas must have been. Holy crap!

MooCow said...

I remember the time I discovered Santa Claus wasn't real was around the same time someone educated me on blowjobs. D: The HORROR!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

So interesting that you remember your Mom looked tired. I am still waiting for one of my kids to notice that. That was a really good plan, Allie. Happy Easter to you.

Brndoutw8ress said...

Happy Easter. Now I know why my mother always eats the ears off of the chocolate bunnies first! Thank you for my morning laugh, love the stick figured allie!

furiousBall said...

in fairness, that bunny had listened to a conversation he shouldn't oughta heard *cracks knuckles*

Brianne said...

I was up at 4 this morning, heading to Walmart to fill my 3 kiddo's, Easter baskets, I felt VERY much like the first drawing of your mom. Thank God my kids didn't wake up at 5 and catch me! Great post Allie, my stomach literally hurts from laughing! I can only imagine that having so many people find some of your most traumatic life experiences completely hilarious is giving you SOME sort of complex. You're a brave soul Allie! One may say you have the soul of a...bear? Perhaps?

I'm sorry, like I said up at 4 this morning, so I'm really not all here while typing this.

April said...

Love your Easter story! Much more enjoyable than the sickly sweet and pastel posts others are sending out into the world today. Thanks for the laugh!

Laura said...

I was scared shitless of the Easter bunny. My home was supposed to be SAFE. My parents were supposed to protect me. Yet somehow a gigantic fucking mutant rabbit was annually able to mosey his way into my house and come into my bedroom.

The Easter bunny was a goddamned ninja creeper and my parents were helpless to save me.

Needless to say, I've never really liked Easter...

TB said...

Your drawings make you look like you were such a psychotic kid--I love it! Trapping the Easter Bunny is a brilliant plan. I wish I'd have thought of it.

MTV needs to contact you and offer you your own animated show of your childhood. I'm going to email them right now.

Chuck said...

I loved the story...I understand it is Easter (Amen)...BUT I WANT SPAGHATTA NADLE!!!

You promised...on Saturday's...remember????

PS. How are you not in a mental ward and your parents in jail???

http://apackalipsnow.blogspot.com

Mainland Streel said...

I love your childhood stories, ha ha! The facial expressions always make me laugh. :)

Aerelonian said...

You are fantastic. Just fantastic!!!!!!!! LOVE THIS BLOG!!!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

My memory revolves around my father telling my generous godmother that I was too old for any Easter nonsense. Not quite as sad as your memory, but close.

Happy Easter!!

Story Collector said...

The Easter bunny generally avoided our house. So no eggs, only cake.

wallflower said...

Haha that's really cute.
I don't really remember ever believing in the easter bunny. Then again, I never really believed in much! Still don't. :)

Allie said...

hahahahaa I am obsessed with your posts they're all hilarious.
I never had the chance to celebrate easter! =(

*uncorked said...

Hilarious! As usual. I love that you were 5 years old and had such an elaborate and wicked plan. I don't think I evolved to that kind of thinking until I was at least 7. Impressive.

kmkat said...

What the other commenters said. Just know that for the first time in my online social networking life I made the effort to click "Stumble" and "Digg" so that others may find your greatness.

Lindsay said...

Your childhood is hilariously twisted - I love it! Did you have panic attacks everytime you saw someone wearing bunny ears from then on?

VanillaBean said...

it is so amazing that your first thought upon seeing bunny ears on your moms head was rabbit mutilation :)

Hippo Brigade said...

See, it's reasons like this that I am not introducing the Easter Bunny or Santa to my kids. Instead, I tell them I bought the gifts, that way I take all the credit. And ZING, my kids think I'm awesome.

Maria Melee said...

This is hilarious AND ridiculously cute.

DashiellP said...

Wow... I would have just assumed that the Easter Bunny wasn't real and been upset with my mom.

Underwater68 said...

You have the funniest freakin' blog in the universe.

Keep up the great work. Please!

-dm

JustLinda said...

Wait - did this happen BEFORE or AFTER you caught the fish and dug a hole for it to live in?

DO YOU NOT LEARN FROM THESE THINGS? Are there other animals you planned to dig a hole for and keep forever? Or is it just these two?

LOL

I'm sorry you were traumatized. The good news is that you were able to console yourself with CHOCOLATE, right? That's what's really important. Every female must learn THAT particular lesson, and the earlier the better.

Lesly said...

Oh goodness... it's been forever since I participated in Easter egg hunting. As a child, I wondered why a rabbit would be hiding eggs... but hey, it's free candy, so I never questioned it.

Then I turned ten and realized it was all a lie.

Allie said...

Linda - It was a couple years before the fish incident. I think I never learned because I never actually got a chance to keep the Easter bunny in the hole because my fucking mom murdered him.

A few years before this, though, I stole my neighbor's cat and kept it in my closet for two days before it started meowing uncontrollably and I was found out. I think maybe I had control issues...

Actually, I think all this trauma was good for me. It's like my entire life has been some Rocky-esque training montage for an as-of-yet undisclosed battle in the future.

Kyle said...

My favorite part is the silence of the lambs style hole you would put the bunny in. I also like that you imagined the Easter Bunny as an actual rabbit instead of the anthropomorphic monster bunny-man that I imagined him to be.

Wombat Central said...

So, I TOTALLY look like your tired mom every Easter when I'm up way too late filling/hiding plastic eggs and creating clues for the kids to follow the next morning. I give her bonus points for putting on the festive ears. I'm half asleep and drooling by the time I'm finished playing bunny.

Wayward American said...

Allie...I love you. Will you marry me?

Seriously you made me smile so much!

Shaun said...

brilliant brilliant brilliant.....what an amazing imagination you had as a kid

lacey said...

this is (of course) hilarious and wonderful. my santa-claus-and-easter-bunny-discovery story is filled with trauma and peril and tearful accusations of betrayal, and until today i thought it was the best, but yours beats it. i so so so so so wish i'd known allie-as-a-kid. i am on the edge of my seat waiting for your mom's comments. ALLIE'S MOM, HI! HAPPY EASTER! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS???

ND said...

I'm really jealous that your Easter Bunny is this adorable little actual rabbit sized bunny. I always thought of the Easter Bunny as this enormous man-sized rabbit that was capable of walking on two legs and breaking into houses to leave pooped out candy. That's f'ing scary.

Wayward American said...

Oops! I forgot to say that I love the banner as well, I do love the banner! I saw that first and giggled my head off, then I screwed my head back on only to laugh it off reading the blog post!

Adrienne Hadaway said...

Doesn't really seem fair to judge your mom for ripping the bunny's ears off when you were planning to go all Silence of the Lambs on him anyway. You know? But hey, you were only five, just a sadistic kid.

Bridget Callahan said...

I'm confused as to why your mother put on bunny ears at five in the morning when she was hoping specifically no one would see her...

Allie said...

Bridget - She's one of those moms that really likes to get into the festivity of things. At least that's what I've always assumed was the reason behind why she wore the ears... God, maybe she really did kill the Easter bunny!

Philip said...

that is top notch. I bow down before your awesome talent. Cheers.
P.

Amanda said...

I can definitely see how that would be terrifying.

When i was a child I looked over the stair rail and swore I saw the EB. Like SWORE. It was totally his shadow. And I was so scared I went back to sleep and told my Mom in the morning.

Miss Mayhem said...

Happy Easter to your mom!
() ()
(=*-*=)
()_()

Stacy said...

LOL!!!! Thank you Allie!

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm all worried about the Tooth Fairy now.

Judy said...

You are a sick person and I love you. And my sons think I have a problem. Whenever they say I'm twisted, I'll just direct them your way.

Samuel said...

That... That kinda sucks. I don't remember how I found out the Easter Bunny wasn't real so it must not have been too traumatizing. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Jamie Robinson said...

I LOVE love love your childhood stories so much!

I really liked the previous banner for your blog - I <3 the pic of you lookin' so fierce!

Anonymous said...

Dear Allie,

You are amazing.

That is all.

From,
Erica.

Ozzo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
joq8 said...

Hahaha. Well, whenever I get a twinge of jealousy at your creativity or downright mastery of MS Paint, I shall remind myself that it comes with a price. And that price is childhood memories like these and the kind of imagination where the default explanation for finding your mum hiding Easter eggs is that she not only killed the Easter bunny, but - in some horrible Roald Dahl retelling of Hannibal - wears his ears like a Buffalo Bill trophy.

maggie said...

My mom bought a mall type Easter bunny costume a few years ago. It's really quite terrifying. But she still decided to dress up in it and hop around in the yard for the "benefit" of my cousin's kids.

They spent the day being afraid and peering suspiciously out windows into the woods.

My brother had a better idea and wore it for Halloween.

Ben said...

I love the sequence with the scheme planning!!! And what a brilliant scheme it was, potentially yielding free candy all year round!

Kurt said...

It would have been better if she was pulling the eggs out of a rabbit-skin pouch she had fashioned for the occasion. I like the way your brain works though.

Moooooog35 said...

I suppose this explains all the Leprechaun blood in the kitchen on Saint Patrick's Day.

PlayboyMommy said...

As always, your blog is the funniest thing ever. I'm pretty new to your blog, but I find myself going to work and trying to tell my boss about all the fuuny ass shit you do. Yes, cuz my boss is THAT cool.
Anyways, at least you had a few years where you beleived in the Easter Bunny, Santa, Tooth Fairy and stuff like that. My parents were "Jehovah's Witnesses." Not REALLY, they were just cheap and used being JW as an excuse to not celebrate holidays. So I don't remember ever believing in any of that stuff. Once I got old enough though, I made my own Xmas tree and put it in my room and started going to my best friend's house for the good holidays. I wasn't even allowed to trick or treat or dress up for Halloween until i was like 11 or some shit!!!! By then it was almost too late, which was why I was still Trick or Treating at 15 and got my bag snatched my several scary black men. THANKS MOM!

HayCat said...

Beautiful!

miss shanghailander said...

LOL this is a hilarious story. love it :):)

Yep said...

that was sad and hilarious ... your blog rocks!!

Gnetch said...

You're mom is awesome. Hahaha!

defenestrati said...

Best moment:
"But no. It took me at least five more years to figure that out."

Muskrat said...

I remember the first time I bit off a bunny's ears and killed it.

Calum said...

I'm still amazed at how well you express emotions using paint. Truly hilarious

elizawhat.com said...

Poor Little Allie seems to have been traumatized quite a bit!

I still get visited by the Easter Bunny. Every year, my mom puts together baskets for my sister and I. This year we even colored Easter eggs.

Pablo said...

Are we getting the Santa story? Did anything happen as you waited to protect him from your family? I LOVE YOU

Pablo said...

Are we getting the Santa story? Did anything happen as you waited to protect him from your family? I LOVE YOU

Louise said...

Dear Allie,

I love to laugh. And had not done so properly for a while, because life sometimes sucks.

You have restored me.

I'm sure you know this, but 'MOAR chocolate' would make an awesome t-shirt.

Louise x

Mellalune said...

This blog has increased the awesomosity in my life by 400%.

birdykins said...

Bahahahaha.

Oh my goodness.

You are an only child aren't you?

Christina In Wonderland said...

Wow. Your childhood was disturbing. Or maybe you're just disturbed anyway. That's why we all love you.

But, hey, at least a dead Easter bunny is better than a zombie Jesus.

Windsor Grace said...

Allie, you were like, the weirdest kid ever.

Kate said...

I agree with Windsor Grace, you were (are?) a weird kid.

We never had the Easter bunny, just Jesus. Though Jesus still left chocolate eggs around the house!

-Kate

Abbie said...

This. Is. Brilliant. Holy shit. I just found your blog and simply by reading the most recent entry, I'm totally hooked. I'm pretty sure this is the best concept for anything ever.

Rachel said...

So I was looking through a butt-load of other blogs to see if any of them were as awesome as yours. For some reason it kept bring me to this one http://naturesbeautyxx.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog over and over and over. I don't know how you feel about people posting links in there comments but I found it weird that I was brought to this site three different times after clicking Next Blog>> Blog spot likes booties I guess. And wants me to like them too. A lot.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Well, I believed in Santa way too long and was traumatized in multiple ways. Perhaps we need some research resulting in charts and graphs that investigate which causes more trauma.

Queen Kayla said...

This absolutely made my day!

SA5MI said...

Absolutely hilarious.
I had a similar (maybe?) situation with the Tooth Fairy. Found all my freaking teeth in this bowl in my mom's room, so I approached her and she's all like "I made a deal with the Tooth Fairy that I could keep all your teeth." Cmon, mom.

PS. You're so awesome Allie! I just discovered your blog about a week ago and I'm totally hooked. =]

vikram singh said...

publish your own Comics...its gonna be Hit :)...thoroughly enjoyed this story :)

ruine duce said...

One Christmas eve in elementary school I saw a huge shadow in the hallway from my bedroom where I should have been sleeping. The figure was so huge I was convinced it was a monster, and therefore held my breath. Because giant monsters can hear your breathing. I then started to panic, because what if that monster was coming to my bedroom to kidnap/eat me. Or what about my poor, defenseless parents in the room across the hall!? OH MY GOD, WHAT ABOUT SANTA. My brain was at war with itself - do I go out there and protect Santa from the monster, or do I stay in bed and hope that Santa is big and juicy enough for the giant flesh eating monster to be sated and leave me and my parents alone. While I was processing all of this, the monster's shadow reappeared in the hallway, carrying a stack of something. BOXES. It had boxes. Enraged, I realized that this bastard had stolen MY PRESENTS after eating Santa. I slipped out of bed and tiptoed to the door, only to freeze when I heard my FATHER telling the family dog to lay back down. What a way to ruin Christmas forever.

Jeannette said...

This made my day. And I'm sorry for your loss.

valkyrie said...

i was always one of those incredibly perverse kids who refused to believe in santa, the tooth fairy, and especially the easter bunny. so while my brother was a convert, i was the one smeared with chocolate after i'd eaten the choc bunny's ears, screaming "he's not reeeeal!" at my brother.
i must have been the worst older sister, ever.
however, my mom still brings me an easter basket, so i figure i win. if i'd tried to believe in the easter bunny, maybe the candy baskets would have stopped with the belief... one never knows....

kerri said...

I just started reading your blog and man, high fives all around. And normally when I read stuff I prefer to do it anonymously because it strangely makes me feel less creepy... but I thought: I bet following would make Allie happy. And I care about that now.

Living with Balls said...

Great post. That was quite a diabolical plan you had to capture the Easter Bunny.

beesus said...

when I was like, two, I found the easter baskets in their hiding spot in the family linen closet. I promptly closed the door and binged on all the leftover black jeans. My mom found me three hours later, passed out, a ring of black around my mouth. The woman took me to the hospital where the diagnosis was 'glutton'. I believe there was talking of canceling Easter the following here. Truly, it is a holiday rife with shame and fear for us all.

Anonymous said...

I'm one of those kids who got pissed off and forever will be angry at her parents for lying to her about all these made up things. Life would have been better if they had explained it was pretend from the get go.

But the vision of your poor mother waking up extra early to hide your easter eggs just breaks my heart. Especially in MS paint.

Kendra said...

I have three small children. And if nothing else, I have just learned never to wear anything that looks like it might have been violently removed from a holiday icon. Those cute little reindeer antler headbands? They're going in the trash before any damage is done!

Renee said...

I have my little sister's ruined easter story to relay to you all:

I'm 8 years older then my youngest sister. I was about 14 or so when I was being driven home from a friend's place on the Saturday night before easter.

We live in a rural area, so roadkill is one of the facts of life. unfortunately that night, it happened to be a bunny. Mom and I were by ourselves, so no harm done... yet.

Untill - I get home, and being a mean teenager announce to my 6 year old sister that "Mom ran over the Easter Bunny with the car". She cried and cried and cried - basically untill the next morning when easter gifts were still there!

Anonymous said...

Allie:

Why most of your plans include holes in the ground?

The fish plan... the Easter Bunny plan...

Anonymous said...

I have never laughed out loud for so long before! Your pictures are fantastic!

Anonymous said...

Silly bitch.

Ally said...

When I was like, 5, I totally told this chick at school the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Tooth Fairy were all her mom. She bawled. I saw her years later in high school and she brought it up again, sounding quite drunk/angry. I guess I severely impacted on her life or something.

Carlos said...

Just wondering if you did have a stuffed dinosaur as a kid. If so, where can I get one for my daughter?

thamily said...

Haven't laughed that hard in ages. Your drawings are pared to the quick and so perfect. Cartoon Allie reminds me of my daughter. :)

Meg said...

Story kills. Pictures = Perfection. Laughed so hard can no longer type pronouns or think in complete sentences...

Saeri said...

So did you ever tell your mom this story?

MissusDe said...

I noticed that you slept with a dinosaur when you were little. I was reminded of when my daughter was about 4, and we were at church one Sunday Anna had packed her own toy bag and I glanced over at her to see that she was playing with her Jurassic Park velociraptor, which she'd requested for her birthday. Best of all, she'd dressed it in a pink Barbie ball gown.

That would make a great drawing, by the way.

Trish

Betsy said...

The best part of this drawing is the stuffed green t-rex the little girl is snuggled up to. I had a stuffed green t-rex, also (Rexa), who was my BFF.