Animals

Animals are ruining my life.  Have you ever noticed how enthusiastic animals are about morning?  They wake up and start running around making noise for no reason.  They're all "Holy crap! I'm an animal and it's really fucking early in the morning and I feel great!!!!"

I haven't slept more than 5 hours in a night for over a week now and it's all because of one stupid bird that lives in a tree right outside my window. Here's a really shitty picture I drew of my house and the tree and the bird: 


This arrangement is a problem because I'm nocturnal and I go to bed at 4:00 AM and the bird wakes up three hours later and starts making sounds like a retarded alarm clock because it's so excited to be a bird.


The bird wakes up every other animal in the world and then all the animals are like "Yaaaaaayyyy!  We're animals and it's morning!" 



It is completely unnecessary.  

Sometimes I try to yell at them to get them to be quiet, but they're animals so they don't listen at all.  


I just end up lying in my bed getting madder and madder at them until I'm not even sleepy anymore and then I get up and make coffee and try to remember to go to the store to buy earplugs but that never happens because I start playing online bingo or something and I forget and pretty soon it's nighttime and I'm like "Shit! I didn't go to the store!" and I go to bed secretly hoping that maybe all the animals will get really depressed and they won't feel the need to tell the world about how excited they are, but no.  The moment there is even one fraction of a ray of sunshine in the sky, the bird is wide awake and ready to party.  


P.S.  It's Saturday, so I figured that I should probably post some Spaghatta Nadle.   I only made two because my brain was like "MMMMMNNNNEEAAAAARGGGHHHH!!!!NOOOOOOOOOO!" And I don't even know if any of this is making sense because I'm so tired that I'm high.

I blame animals.



91 comments:

Jon said...

Spaghatta Nadle's got a red flag hangin out his backside.

Paul said...

Oh wow, the animals. Especially the birds. I'm over on the east coast, and it's about to start. Usually about when nautical twilight ends, which is 5:34am now. I did honestly try to sleep, but no such luck. I've got 14 minutes left to try before it's too late (I sleep heavy, so I'm set if I actually reach unconsciousness).

Rainey said...

Two words: Makeshift slingshot.

But use something soft, like a nadle to fling at the offending birdie. You only want to scare it, not kill it. With Spaghetta Nadle's gang expertise, should be no problem.

Because if you kill it, more will come to avenge it's death. And death avenging birds are WAY more noisy than happy morning birds.

Unforgettable said...

This reminds me of Zooey Deschanel in Failure to Launch. try not to kill it or you may have to start giving it mouth-to-mouth.:-& i must say, you are awesome, u just made my saturday!

Jo said...

This may sound a bit out there, but bear with me...my mum hates birds, so she hangs plastic snakes all around her verandah so the birds don't come near it.

It's freaky, I know.

Maybe you could tell the bird that you are decorating early for Christmas and hang snakes up in the tree. Problem solved. Unless you have another tree next to that tree. And I can't help with the dogs horses and other assorted creatures.

You're welcome.

Harini said...

In my old home i used to listen to a Rooster singing 'Yay i m rooster' at 5 in the morning :P. I used to be up by 6 cause i couldnt take it anymore :P.

The Jules said...

It's more annoying when you're up and about, relying on deer to make your bed, bunnies to cook you breakfast, various woodland creatures to help get you ready for work and a bluebird to sit on your shoulder for reasons of it's own, and they let you down.

Maybe it's because I sprayed the crickets. All that's left is the occasional tiny top hat and cane.

Ellie said...

Coat your house in tar and feathers and get a really big megaphone.

ebal said...

Hey, look at a bright side!
1)Every morning is a party time, if you're an animal.
2)You don't need to buy an alarm clock! Yay!!

Ah Spaghatta Nadle ya bahg track rawk!!!

Sam Liu said...

I feel your pain, my window faces out onto a load of trees so every morning, without fail, I am awoken by the incessant chirping of birds. I really don't understand people that enjoy birdsong, I just find it unbelievably annoying...

J-Bird said...

I've got one that's taken up residence in the tree outside my window also. I have to resort to crude methods like lysol covered pinecone feeders. You might be able to just hang Spaghatta out there like a little birdie noose. One look at his gang signs and those birds will know what's up.

Zaedah said...

Yeaaah, he's a nadle!!!!

I have two horses, a donkey and a big ol' lab and none of them are in any way eager to greet the morning.

I have five cats, however, who see the first fingers of sunlight and believe it's some kind of bat signal to jump on my face.

Bridget Callahan said...

I am agreeing with Jo above. plastic predator animals are the way to go. I'm a big fan of the plastic coyotes with the furry tails they use to keep geese away from buildings. Only I think you should put it in the tree. Cause what's scarier than a coyote in a tree?

The Redheaded Stepchild said...

ROFLMAO I love you! :)

Kelly said...

Get the earplugs. You can even buy them at the grocery store. (That's where I score mine.) They don't cut out the Spousal Unit's snoring, but I don't hear all the neighborhood animals, or the neighbors either, for that matter. The occasional car driving by with the radio set at 4 million decibels will get through, but not much else. Besides the goddamn snoring.

Sandy said...

get a air purifier... it drowns out the noise even better and you will sleep like a baby for hours on end...

spaghatta Nadle has a pimptastic truck!

Kalisa said...

My son has air rifles. They're like bb guns but a lot more powerful. You should try one of those on the bird.

Earth Girl said...

Oh, but this is all about sex. Those birdies want to find a mate.

*uncorked said...

Unforgettable stole my comment. The scene of Zooey in the gun shop is hilarious. I imagine you would be similar, if not identical.

Barbara said...

Shotgun=bird problem solved

Juliette said...

If makes you wonder why people buy those CDs that make stimulated "relaxing" animal and water sounds to help you sleep.

WhereForArtThouRomeo

Dani said...

We have a bluejay in our yard who does the same freaking thing.

I've been hopeing the cat will eat it for years but so far no. Maybe I should stop feeding him so he'll get hungry for bird.

Anonymous said...

AH HAHVE A BAHG TRAHCK!! I need a bumper sticker of that one.

And a truck.

Tracy said...

I hate accidentally hitting enter before I'm done.

Bumper sticker. That was me.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

You really are brilliant. I loved this post-thanks. My toddler is exactly like your bird.

Blaise said...

Ugh, yeah birds suck at 5am! At my last apartment, the management was too lazy to maintain the eaves, so some of the crafty mo'fo's started nesting right above my bed, no joke. So I didn't just wake up to them chirping, I woke up to their nasty little claws scrabbling at the roof directly over my head. They sounded like ginourmous rats *shudder*

zachary said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!1 That damn horse is fugging funny. You're the best!


p.s: I just hope that wasn't a mockingbird, you know what they say bout them..

Dyinetch said...

Dear Spaghatta Nadle,

Can I call you SN? Okay.

Hi, SN. Are you single?

Love,
Gnetch

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

You know what they say about pieces of spaghetti that drive big trucks ...

pomlove said...

uhh. yeaup. i get it. birds. suck. i've always hated birds. thank you for explaining why.

Sally said...

How did you draw such an awesome truck?

Miss Grace said...

Did you know that ground squirrels chirp? Kind of like birds, only more disturbing. I know this because of the ground squirrels that live near my house. Chirping. I have seen them with my eyes.

Cornelius Butterfield said...

Simple: Saw down the tree. Earplugs? Shotgun! And take them down one-by-one. It's us against them, my dear. And WE WILL WIN!!!

Lanned said...

It's spring and all the animals are looking for a partner to get it on...so this bird is actually hooking right outside your window.

Rachel said...

You need a white noise machine! Trust me, it will change your life. The Homedics Sound Spa ones are the best because they get nice and loud. I have one for each kid so they don't wake each other up.

Tony said...

There used to be a squirrel that hung out by my window. Notice how I said, "there used to be."

No, I didn't kill it, but someone else did. Poor guy.

Stormy Cruz said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....
Dude. It's like 10 minutes later and I'm *still* laughing about "Guess what I am."
Holy shit. You know what you should start selling at your store? Pampers for big kids. And Depends.

You're a genius.

juskaulani said...

My grandpa is a good caretaker when it comes to animals so every once in a while people will randomly stop by and say something like "Hey, I'm moving and I can't keep my roosters, would you like them?" And my papa being the animal lover he is goes "Sure, why not. It's not like they're loud and annoying and will wake my granddaughter up before she actually has to get up for school."

Ugh. Good luck with your bird. I know how you feel.

Ryan F said...

That is a REALLY well drawn ford pickup truck. I can also relate. My dog does this pretty awesome thing where he jumps up and down until you acknowledge that he's a dog, usually by petting him or more often by walking him.

misskeen said...

can you please make a t-shirt with the "guess what i am?" drawing? omg. hilarious. i will buy it right now.

Melissa's Espresso Shot said...

I can't say I've ever had a problem with obnoxiously loud horses.

Jennifer McLean said...

Allie, you rock.
What would Saturday be without your hilarious cartoons?
Abbout the bird? Just borrow Spaghatta Nadle's uzie, I'm sure he won't mind, with all the fame you've given him! In fact, just hire him to do the hit. I think it sounds great...

SPAGHATTA NADLE - HITMAN!

:o)

Chuck said...

Allie, I have waited 2 weeks for the Nadle...thank you so much! Who says bitchin' doesn't work? Don't forget again, okay?

Now I must go poison some bird feed to solve MY problem...heh heh heh. Oops, gave away my plan. Shit.

http://apackalipsnow.blogspot.com

Maureen said...

I kinda like the animals, except when they try to attack me.

Donkeys can get annoying, though.

Danielle said...

So, this blog was just brought to my attention yesterday, and then I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning reading through it back to the beginning. Which I'm sure is not the behavior of a crazy person. And then wouldn't you know, this post shows up today, AND IT IS FROM SO MANY CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE FRIEND WHO SENT ME THE LINK TO BEGIN WITH THAT I'M STARTING TO THINK SOME SORT OF CONSPIRACY IS HAPPENING.

In a related note, our battle cry was STFU birds. It also always failed.

Boomka said...

I understand that animals communicate to each other. Hell I am probably so loud sometimes that I too piss off mother natures best. But jesus H. Christ what the hell can be so important that everyone needs to scream about it first thing in the morning! I mean it can't be productive right? It's like if I went to a meeting with 40 other people and they all screamed their opinion at once. It just not productive, surely there is some kind of bird consultant that can come in and be like, "yo, bitches, y'all need to chill. cool?" So ya know, just.... get a bird consultant.

Stef said...

I just found your blog today, and... umm... You're pretty hilarious. :) Keep it up, chica!

~Stef
http://52weeksofwordage.blogspot.com

Ben said...

That is brilliant. I love the picture with you looking out the window and all the animals yelling yay!

I have never understood why people say the sounds of nature are so peaceful.
I live in a city. My folks say "how can you sleep with all that city noise?". Well with a little thing we like to call sound insulation which people in the country never seem to think too get. So its very peaceful at night, Plus the air conditioner hum blocks out and background sounds.

Then I go and stay at my folks place out in the country for a visit, where they have "peaceful nature sounds".
The peaceful sounds consist of:
Roosters,
Dogs,
Sheep,
Peacocks (why??)
All of which obviously need to inform everyone else of their existence all morning.
Their argument that "its natural so its okay" really doesn't hold much merit.

Anonymous said...

Well, since Spaghetti Naddle has now announced his gang affiliation, I'm sure he would be more than happy to get rid of all those pesky animals for you.

Queen Kayla said...

Dude, your shit is awesome! I've been reading for about a week or so now (and am reading through your old posts) (creepy much?) and it's some of the best fun I've had in a while. I usually find myself laughing til I cry. LOVED Spaghatta Nadle today! You will be champion of the internet in no time.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Ambient noise works wonders to drown out the stupid animals that are stupid and stuff. Motherfucking birds... :( Seriously, get a big box fan or some shit like that.

And Nadle is totally gangsta. Sweet...

om said...

Three-year-olds. LOVE. five a.m.
Seriously. Do not have children. You'd have to eat them.

Christopher said...

The earlier an animal wakes up the better it tastes. Just saying...

anna and the ring said...

Oh I understand. We have our own little ensemble who like to "sing" from about 3am.

I have two words. Ear plugs. Saved my life I promise. Go buy now!

These are freakin' amazing.
http://www.snorestore.co.uk/acatalog/no_roll_earplugs.html#a233 EAR SOFT!

Lori said...

I just found your blog and I feel like we are the same person except you are more attractive.

elizawhat.com said...

My animals -- two cats -- fight on my head, so I feel your pain. I keep hoping that they will forget they hate each other.

Yay for Spaghatta Nadle! I needed my fix.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's even worse when the birds are parrots and you live in the same tree as them. When I catch one I put a piece of toffee on its beak.

Amanda said...

Yeah, and cats? Forget it. Cats sleep all damn day JUST so they can start playing with bells and feathers and stuff all morning long. This is so LOL.

Layla Winterborne said...

http://www.witchygypsy.com/?p=272

Check it out, dawg. An award from me to you. =)

souldose said...

Cute pictures, really really cute

AmberSpider said...

That. Was. So. Good.
I know your pain. I live opposite a green which, every morning, plays host to many many seagulls.
I miss waking up at 8am *angry face*

Felix said...

Okay...as a fellow nightowl....I gotta say this:

The reason you are not sleeping well is that futon pad.

Most uncomfortable form of sleep furniture ever created.

Great for college kids.....sheer torture for anyone over the age of 19.

milesaway said...

dear god i love you

Frenchie said...

When I lived back at home, the neighbours behind my house used to have several roosters (I know, you're thinking "Why would they do that?"). Anyway, the roosters somehow got out of their "cage" and decided to walk right under my window (which was left open each night cause it was so hot in the summer) and they would "cock a doodle doo" at 5 - 6 AM each morning. I couldn't do anything about it either. Closing the window didn't help, I think they just got louder so they could share the excitement of being a rooster with me. I also, started yelling at them like you do to the crazy and wild animals. It doesn't help, except make you realize just how nuts you are for yelling at animals that can't understand you. Anyway, I just thought I'd share that with you. You're blog entry reminded me of those days. I've since moved and haven't had this problem anymore. It was always either animals or airplanes. Don't get me started on airplanes!!

I just found out about your blog late last week and I have gone back to reading all your post from the beginning. I can only go back to July 2009. Is that the earliest or is there more I can read? I love your sense of humour and your stories of crazy shit that has happened to you is told in an awesome way! It's golden.

I have a question though. Are you as funny telling the story in person (i.e. not writing it down with such humouristic precision?) Keep up the great work!

That Kind of Girl said...

Birds are nature's car alarms.

Moooooog35 said...

Be careful what you wish for.

I live near a bunch of Italians and all I hear every morning is:

"I'M a Spaghatta Nadle!! I'M a Spaghatta Nadle!! I'M a Spaghatta Nadle!! I'M a Spaghatta Nadle!!"

Fucking Italians.

Andy said...

Lmao. I love your pictures.

Mary said...

At least those animals are outside the house. I have a cat who likes to walk back and forth across my pillow in the wee hours and then pushes the mouse on my computer to wake my screen up as soon as my alarm goes off. He's the devil.

Windsor Grace said...

So, Allie, you didn't mention the bears. Are the bears keeping you up too?

grisom said...

Count your blessings, Allie! When I was little I lived in a big city full of people, cars, and roosters. One of the roosters would be startled by a passing car at one o'clock in the morning and start crowing. That would set all the others off, and they wouldn't shut up until morning. EVERY NIGHT.

Also, why do roosters "crow"? That doesn't make any sense.

Testaclese said...

Damn. There I was minding my own business, and one FB link-click later and I love you.
Troublemaker.

I am particularly amused by: "Here's a really shitty picture I drew of my house..." because it's different than your other drawings...how?
(NB: I love your drawings too. Troublemaker.)

Toe said...

Totally understand you there. I think the animals get the crazies when spring comes. Like as soon as it's sunny for a couple of days they get together in their pre-season animal meeting and decide where their perfect perches are going to be to drive the humans bonkers. Animals are assholes.

Salt said...

There are no words to describe how much of my favorite blog this is.

And I understand. At around 4am, my kitten suddenly gets really excited to be alive and runs around and around the apartment making this growly noise. He doesn't listen to me when I tell him to STFU either.

Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding like a total creepy blog reader - why did you delete the early posts from your blog? I was half-way done reading the June 09 ones and *poof* now they're gone :(

Allie said...

Anonymous - I didn't have any posts in June 09... I started blogging July 10th. Maybe you just got to the end?

Courtney Alexis said...

you have like eleventy billion comments, and I don't have time to read through them all, so I have no idea if anyone suggested propping a giant box fan in your window? When I lived alone in a cockroach infested shoebox, my only window was on the second floor so close to a group of trees that the branches literally poked through my window. And these trees were like some sort of blue jay gated-community. Blue jays are loud and LOVE getting up before the sun ...

So, after I got a noise complaint for screaming out my window at the birds (shamefully weird), I decided to prop a giant box fan into the window and turn it on full blast. It did an excellent job of drowning out the birds and keeping me oh' so cool when the cockroaches took residence in my a/c unit.

Scottsdale Girl said...

*sigh* I feel your pain girl. My dog is all panting and banging on the side of the bed EveryFuckingMorning by 6am. Doesn't matter what day, how late I went to bed, if I have a hangover (hint: most of the time) or if the sun is out or not.
She is UP and wants OUT. I might find out how much it would cost to just give her some damned thumbs

Scottsdale Girl said...

Oh and that last pic is totally a pigeon, Or maybe a dove.

Miss Mayhem said...

Why buy earplugs when you could buy a shotgun? Those are way more effective!

Incognito said...

My husband and I attract Riotous Roosters on vacations; in Mexico, they woke us even before my eyes could focus on the time--but it was before dawn.

In Hawai'i, the fighting cocks being raised next door, despite being prisoners (tied by one leg to a small range of motion around their chicken condo) were very perky and happy before the sun came up.

I. was. not.

Anonymous said...

This is completely hilarious. "Yeaaaaaaaaaah! I'm a motherfuckin' squirrel!" is comic gold;)

Erika said...

Do you have any idea how bad I want the "Yeeeaaahhh!!!! I'm a motherfucking squirrel!!" on a t-shirt? I would pay, like, tens of dollars. It has made me laugh for days and I want to sport that shit on my chest.

Ben said...

Just wait til you own said animals and are trying to sleep and they're all:

JUMPITY JUMPITY JUMPITY

DANCEY DANCEY DANCEY

WAPPITY WAPPITY WAPPITY

(that last one was ears flopping)

...drc... said...

One two occasions I've been invaded by squirrels. Well, not so much me as my apartment, and really not so much my apartment as the attic, but alas...
They made a home over my bedroom. At first they'd scurry away if I pounded on the ceiling. But when its 6am and I'm in bed I'm not really in the mood to find something tall and pokey, so I resorted to throwing whatever was in reach as hard as I could. That ended when my dictionary dented the ceiling.
I also tried to kill one with a ponytail holder once [FAIL].
And then I broke my butt.

So birds, yeah, they suck. But squirrels are just furry little demons sent to create chaos in the world. (And by "the world" I mean "my life")

willrun4food said...

Just so you know, you have induced my highest, most sincere type of laughter, the kind that doesn't make a whole lot of noise, because I'm gasping for air, tearing up and clutching my chest due to delightful lung pain. By this measure, you are at least as funny as Christopher Guest, MST3K, Invader Zim, and Monty Python.

Ow...my lungs.

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Marty d'Fried said...

You could get one of those environmental noise generators with bird sounds, which would either keep you awake all night, or make it so you're used to the sounds of birds chirping and you won't notice it any more.

But if you find yourself turning the volume down to see if the damn thing is chirping outside, get help. :)

PS your post is pretty funny, but then I'm weird.

Kristin said...

I love this post so much I have tears in my eyes. I am laughing so hard. Thank you for making my stupid crappy day so much funnier. =) I really mean that. This is my favorite thing ever now.

Anonymous said...

I was at work and doing annoying manual labour stuff and the "I'm a motherfucking squirrel!" panel was floating around my brain and I was laughing aloud and people were looking at me weird.

I would also pay money for that on a t-shirt. And I don't even like swearwords much.

JSitterley said...

Hahahahaha this is perfect! This is exactly what those damn birds are saying! Especially chick-a-dees. Well done!

Pumpky said...

I'm reading your post from the most recent to the older (cause Its fucking long to start from the beggining each time... And I'm lazy) AND, I still don't know who or what is the Spaghatta Nadle... But yesterday I started talk like him. I blame you. But I like that :3