Am Adult

When I woke up this morning, my house smelled like death and sadness.  I walked into the kitchen and saw what appeared to be a piece of petrified wood sitting in a bowl on the counter.  I was like "What is this thing?"

Boyfriend:  "What thing?"

Me:  "The thing in the bowl that kind of looks like petrified wood covered in human skin."

Boyfriend:  "Oh, I accidentally left my oatmeal in the microwave for 20 minutes."

Me: "And the microwave was going the whole time?"

Boyfriend:  "Yeah.  I meant to set it for three minutes and thirty seconds, but I must have hit an extra zero.  I took it out before it caught on fire, though."

Me:  "You waited twenty minutes without thinking 'this is way longer than three minutes'"?

Boyfriend:  "I just thought that I must have missed the beep and then I was like "meh, I'll get it later.'"

Me:  "I guess that's understandable.  Did you get breakfast?"

Boyfriend:  "Yeah, I had a tortilla."

Sometimes I feel like Boyfriend and I are retarded cavemen.  All of our friends are going about their lives as normal, well-adjusted adults who cook their meals and live in clean, well-decorated houses, while Boyfriend and I are sitting on the floor eating beans out of a can with spoons we made out of tinfoil because we can't find any of our real spoons.


We bought a toilet brush back in September with the intention of using it to clean our toilets, but it is still sitting in a corner, encased in shrink-wrap.


We always try to start being normal and responsible.  Every week we have a little pow-wow and decide that we are really going to do it this time.  We are really going to stop stuffing our candy bar wrappers in the couch cushions and we are really going to sweep the floor and scrub the toilets and clean things up when we spill them.  


 I keep hoping that one day we will magically morph into responsible adults like everyone else, but I'm pretty sure that we're going to either get eaten by wolves, become homeless or end up being featured on A&E's Hoarders.  One of those.  Possibly all of them.  We will probably be the only homeless people ever to be shunned by the other hobos for our lack of organizational skills. 


P.S. I want to sincerely thank all of the people who have been tweeting and emailing and stumbling and reblogging and Facebooking and Digging my posts.  If things keep going like this, I might be able to spend the rest of my adult life drawing and writing stuff on the internet and then I never have to become a real adult!  You have no idea how happy this would make me.  I would be so happy that my body would probably explode but it would be okay because there'd be rainbows inside of me! 


Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you.  You are wonderful, crazy people.  

85 comments:

inflammatory writ said...

Oh man. That sounds like how my husband and I used to be. Since we bought a place, we constantly have to remember to do things like clean the floor and toilet. We've only been here a few months. I kind of wonder when we will revert back to our old ways.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Hey! If you get on Hoarders, I will totally be one of the friends that comes and helps dig you out of your home. It will be so much fun!!

Mommy Melee said...

I totally lived EXACTLY like this for years. Except it was me who set something in the microwave for 100 minutes instead of 10 and definitely noticed when it caught on fire. Majorly.

Lucky Punk said...

I totally feel you, sister, from my own wrapper-filled sofa. The difference between you and me is that if I describe my cluttered life to anyone, it just sounds pathetic, while your great, funny drawings make the whole condition seem kind of cool and fun.

Christina In Wonderland said...

I'm going to assault your mind with subliminal messaging: you don't need to clean. It is a waste of time. Tinfoil spoons are the shiz.

*uncorked said...

I'm kind of the opposite. Always organized and semi-OCD. Except when it comes to dog hair. I've vacuumed up so much dog hair I've kind of given up and just wait for a nice day to open the window and let the breeze blow all the dog hair to one side of the condo - then scoop it up.

Allie said...

Oh my gosh. I feel like that's going to be me in 10 years. Somehow, no matter how many times I promise myself to clean more frequently, the mess always returns! I actually once found a seemingly lost digital camera under a massive pile of unwashed clothing...

Sarah said...

18 months after we graduated from college, a friend who worked at our college while working on her master's degree put a blurb about us in the college magazine alumni pages.

"Sarah E and PBoyfriend are living in Berkeley, California. They don't have any furniture, but they do have a trampoline in the backyard."

Completely untrue. We had a futon our friend willed to us when he left for the Peace Corps and a box PHubby grabbed from a theater set being torn down on which we placed a television. Plus? Our computer sat on the floor.

Somehow, we got free cable AND we had a trampoline in the backyard (surrounded by broken glass because our landlord had a glass business and he left his broken pieces in accident-distance of the trampoline).

So ... I think you're pretty much right on track.

Tony said...

It's okay to be dirty. Cleaning's a bitch anyway. If it makes you feel better, there are days when I'm just really lazy, and I throw wrappers behind the couch or bed. I also sometimes eat cheese as a late night snack, and I throw the cellophane behind the bed. Merkin's going to find a nice cellophane mutant when we move out one of these days.

wanderingmenace said...

One time I left a frozen burrito in the microwave for fifteen minutes when it was supposed to be three. The cheese (a.k.a. best part of said frozen treat) oozed onto the rotating tray and then burnt into a pile of blackness. So I told my roommates my boyfriend did it.
But now I live with the boyfriend, and there's no one else to blame.
Sadness.

Willy said...

I support you never having to become a "real adult" i think it's a misnomer and a complete rip off.
i think real adults blow.

JustLinda said...

I would totally tweet you but only my mom follows me and she doesn't read blogs. I'm pretty sure she's just on the internet for porn. I could be wrong.

Anyway, I have told people who visit my blog about you and I've linked you in other communities I visit. If you become president, will you make sure my family gets free health care?

Or just free Skittles? I mean, I don't want to be greedy, but I will take partial credit for your success, given that I've posted your link 3 or 4 times. You owe me SOMETHING, right? Or am I just being greedy?

How cute is Boyfriend? I might consider taking him if you don't want to put out the cash for a bag of Skittles.

Untypically Jia said...

Dude you totally just described my life, except your drew it without using crayons, so I think you're ahead of the game.

I leave yellow onions on top of my fridge so long that they sprout green things and turn into chives! (which for the record, are way better than yellow onions. I'm a farmer!)

Kalisa said...

We would probably stop loving you if you became all clean and responsible and organized and shit. Then you'd be just like us. And that would be boring. That's why you're the brilliant cartoonist and we're, like, accountants.

Juliette said...

Your blog posts always brighten my day! So funny!

WhereForArtThouRomeo

Erin W said...

So that post just made me LOL, like for realz. I live alone, so my neighbours pretty much think I'm a weirdo for sitting here laughing I'm sure.
That whole situation sounds pretty much exactly like my life.

David said...

No one lives in clean and decorated houses. They just make it look like that when people visit. Don't feel bad. You and boyfriend are normal. At least on this subject.

r joy c said...

i kinda think everyone is like this, and the only people who aren't, are totally OCD or controlling beyond measure.

this is one of my favorite quotes: "the only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."

alfred adler said it, and he was, like a totally respectable psychologist who would totally know.

keep your chin up!

Dyinetch said...

I'm a total slob too. I don't put the things back where I got them and I don't make the bed after I wake up. I think it makes us cool people. lol

Am I such a stalker that since I discovered your blog, I've been reading all your older posts? Like from List of Urban Champions all they way to the latest ones? You just crack me up. ;D

Mel said...

Being an adult is over-rated. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

MODG said...

loves and hugs and cares to you Allie.
and if you get famous you are taking me with you. I am not fucking around.

<3

EndlessMemories said...

this. was. fantastic. I laughed for like ten minutes (who am I kidding, I'm still laughing) and was surprisingly inspired to clean up my apartment. (seriously I'm about to do that now) it's like reverse psychology or something...maybe you guys should try that next!

~Lily

Kelly Parkinson said...

PLEASE do not ever get a real job! Not taking enough showers and blogging about petrified wood covered with skin is your calling! This is what you were meant to do with your life! It's your gift to the rest of us! Whatever I gotta do to keep you writing and drawing spaghetta nadle and sleeping on the floor, just let me know. I'm ready to marshall my hobo army for you!

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Old fart advice: Fuck it. And get more flat surfaces to pile shit on. (I don't really talk like that I'm just trying to relate.)

If something fails and you procreate, then you just get your new mother friend-in-law to clean for you. Because mother friend-in-law really like sloppy girls for their little boys.

Mofo.

You have a future drawing cartoons. Which everybody knows is an easy way to get rich.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Oh shit (I do talk like that.
I forgot. Boyfriend will be rich if he takes oatmeal patch to Chicago Board of Potholes.

Shauna (Fido and Wino) said...

I drink my wine out of jars too! It's ok!!!! :)

Mainland Streel said...

We own our own house but rent one room to a student. He actually left us a snarky note about how we are making it difficult for him to live here because of our piles of dishes.

Eep!

It's okay, some of us just aren't cut out for responsible adulthood. :)

April said...

For the first eight years of our relationship, my boyfriend and I were too embarrassed to have friends and family over because of our slobbiness. Seriously. Surprise guests would show up at our door and we wouldn't even let them in. I have since become a pro at the five-minute speed clean-up. It's too bad people stopped trying to come over. I say say f*it and embrace the mess!

SnowyOwl said...

See, my guy and I are exactly like that, but i do not have a funny blog. So you have that going for you! Right now on our coffee table there are three mugs with cold coffee in them, 8 beer cans, and various wrappers including the wrapper for the pop tarts we had for dinner!

Miss Grace said...

I still kinda live like this. And I have a child. Please don't tell the authorities.

writer.elh@gmail.com said...

I just wrote a column about Hoarders and posted it on my blog. It makes me feel better about my own house. As for not being able to find any spoons — try looking under the couch or behind your bed. That's where I find most of ours. Sometimes I even wash them and use them again.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Being grown up is totally over rated. Rock on with your young selves.

Melissa's Espresso Shot said...

I don't feel so bad for being a slob now. Nor do I feel bad for using a folding table as my "desk" and part of the living room as my "office".

I was an adult for a few years, but I found out that wasn't fun. I like fun things and I hate sucky things. Responsibility be damned.

Meat Sweats said...

I think if you are living right, you never really feel like an adult. No one likes to clean, because no matter what you say, you are still going to stuff candy wrappers in the couch, and, what is the point of cleaning them out each week when you can wait for a couple of months and get them all at once?

Heather said...

I saw myself in three of the four phrases you used to describe yourself, and the only reason I don't drink wine out of a jar is because I got married and someone bought us really nice wine glasses, which make me feel very fancy and important when I drink out of them while wearing sweat pants and watching bad TV.

Amanda said...

I knew there was a reason I love you! If I steal the pictures, change the hair color to brown, and add brown hair on the dude, it describes me and my husband perfectly.

You know what would make great practice for you guys? You should come out to SD and clean our place up. Then you leave knowing it's clean and pretend we kept it that way, and you feel like responsible adults!

lintilla said...

Sounds like me and my girlfriend. We're both 27. I wonder when this "real adult" thing starts?

Nik said...

Life is too short for cleaning all the time anyway!!!!!

a blount said...

i left the microwave on for 30 minutes once when i was younger,
thinking that i had just turned on the kitchen timer.

needless to say we had to get a new microwave,
and evacuate the house for a few hours.

soft nonsense said...

And why didn't this rainbow-exploding amount of happy turn into a drawing?

Jay Ferris said...

Rule #42 for being an adult -- NEVER spend $15 on a toilet brush.

Nikoliosis said...

The only time my house ever gets clean/my laundry gets done is when I'm putting of doing homework and have already made it to the end of the internet six times.

Malou said...

I'm happy you're exploding rainbows. Well, almost.
Love, Malou.

And you totally inspired me to make a rainbow themed drawing on this website I just blogged about.

I think it'll excite you muchos.

Love, Malou

Sam Liu said...

You're toilet brush looks like Spaghatta Nadle! :D

Ed said...

Adulthood is highly overrated.

Your drawings, however, are not.

Neither are tortillas for breakfast.

Kind of like a Breakfast Burrito from McDonalds, only flatter.

Besides, you'll grow up soon enough when you and boyfriend start having cartoon babies.

zachary said...

LOLOL i love the last pic..rainbows in you? oh my i'm lmao! Good stuff:]

the lonesome hobo said...

You deserve all the praise, Allie. Here it is again: you are truly awesome and just incredibly talented. Thank you!

Moooooog35 said...

With all those rainbows you're going to be a HUGE hit at the gay pride parade.

You've made it!

Woolly said...

I love your blog.... there I said it!!!

Veriria said...

Wow. Stop drawing and describing me and my husband. It's creepy.

:) Yeah, we're like that too...

Amy said...

I do not have good news. My husband and I are 30 and 31 respectively so we've got about 7 years on you guys and we're still waiting to morph into grown ups. You described our lives almost scarily accurately.

Except I do clean the toilet about once every two weeks.

Random said...

Dude, I finally realized at like 25 that being a grown up means that I never have to make my bed if I don't want to, I can have ice cream for breakfast (did that Sunday) and cheesecake for dinner (also Sunday). :) I'm the worst grown up ever and love it! You're lucky to have Boyfriend who will be a terrible, and happy, grown up with you! :)

Random said...

Oh, and I want to be an adult because that means I'm over 21 and can buy alcohol. I don't ever really want to be a "grown up". :)

annie_a said...

I agree that cleaning is overrated. I have given up on a clean house long ago, as I have one pack-rat husband, two kids, two cats and one dog.

Since 1996 (the year I started living on my own) I must have had a clean house for approximately 20 minutes. I settled for basic hygiene.

but, ahem... do you mean that you haven't cleaned your toilet since SEPTEMBER?

dude, that's gross.

Anonymous said...

you paid $14.99 for a toliet brush?

Anonymous said...

I too fear ending up on an episode of hoarders!!

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

I'm not a neat freak or anything, but I have to have things organized and clean or it starts to affect my mood. I've lived with a whole bunch of family during the last few years, it's a long story, so here is the link to the blog I wrote about it, if you're interested: http://perpetualsmile.net/2009/12/01/chemo-round-1-fight/) so there is hardly room for anyone. We basically have piles and piles of stuff everywhere. While I know where everything is and normally live with a few "organized" piles of things - I know where everything is - it's way too much here and it's making me crazy. It makes my mood go bad when I walk in the door pretty often.

But if you don't mind the clutter, then who cares? It's your house. Although, you should probably clean your toilet. (;

Maureen said...

This is pretty much exactly how I am but anal retentive boyfriend won't have any of it. Sometimes he comes over and is like "What is this? Why does your refrigerator look and smell like a science experiment gone horribly wrong?"

Tara Rose Stromberg said...

You are not alone! I usually blame me and Rybotz'lack of maturity on being jaded and overworked, but I think it's really just a nicer way of saying "lazy as hell."

Today's Random said...

Hey Allie, haven't commented before so thought I'd say hi! That oatmeal looks like a microwaved bird's nest. Love your blog!

Jetson Stamina said...

"It's not oatmeal. It's oatmeal crisp"

You may have stumbled onto General Mills secret.

Lisa Drafall said...

I love the exploding rainbows. It is now my desktop background. Can you please make me a coffee mug and hoodie that say "I'm so happy I'm exploding rainbows." I promise I'll buy them!

Thanks so much and I love your blog.

BTW, I live in California but know the owners of the television stations in Butte, Bozeman and Missoula Montana. Are you anywhere near those DMAs?

Kara said...

Fun fact- Smores Pop Tarts totally catch fire after being in a microwave for only 3 minutes! Which is awesome to find out at 2:00 AM when you decide to heat them up (and you might be just a little drunk) for 30 seconds, and hit the 0 an extra time. And, you're living in a dorm. And you set off the fire alarms. And the dorm gets evacuated. And it's snowing out. Did I mention it's 2:00 AM? Yeah, best way ever to become the most popular person in the dorm. Plus a $400 fine from the fire department.

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said...

No, YOU'RE the wonderful, crazy one, we're just the stalkers.

Lori said...

This is me and my boyfriend. Except we live in a van. With two other smelly musicians.

But I'm glad you eat straight out of the can, too. That makes me feel so much better about me.

Shana said...

See, this is why I love your blog. I always get to where I think it's just my boyfriend and me that are like this. But then I come here and I find out we are not the only retarded cavemen around and I feel much less alone. So thanks.

Sophie said...

Oh my God you are so freaking funny. This post is my life. Please do this for ever. Thanks.

maggly1234 said...

It's OK. Enjoy your freedom while you can Allie. One day your going to have to grow up and start eating in bowls instead of out of a can and brushing your hair and vacuuming but until then just go with the flow.

Philip said...

Oh my lordy gosh. first - that was truly hilariously funny. Second, it was just damn right. My house is full of shit. But its my shit. I love, love, LOVE the blog. Keep on keeping on.
Love,
P.

Crystal said...

Glad it's not just me that re-decides to be an adult every few days! I may even get around to paying my rent (due Mar 1) next week!

BTW, I randomly did the spaghatti naadle voice for my cats tonight, and the looked at me like i was either a) totally psycho, or b) speaking the secrets of the universe.

Nicole said...

Didn't want to be one of those random lurkers that peeks at your blog, giggles, gags, smiles (not necessarily in that order), so here I am, commenting on your post. Love your drawings and your writing! I hope you find a way to get paid for this! Real jobs suck!!

Cara said...

The main problem with cleaning is that you have to keep doing it! Bah. overrated.

And the next time all the spoons are dirty and I'm too lazy to turn on the dishwasher I'm totally breaking out the tinfoil. Thanks!

Haley said...

Thank you for summing up our cohabitation and making me feel a little better about it.

emily said...

Welp, I'm glad that someone else and their significant other do the whole 'manic cleaning and then never clean again' thing. I definitely feel less alone. And also I hope it makes YOU (and your boyfriend) feel better about your bizarre dinners when I tell you that when I'm too tired to make anything, I definitely just put Parmesan cheese on a Boboli and call it a day. That's a lie. Sometimes I make that when I'm not tired at all, even. Maybe 'lazy' is a better word. Whatever.

Stephanie said...

I am your Twin. Can we please be BFFs????

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

What do you mean, like real people? Most people clean their homes? What are you talking about? I know not this theory.

I am middle-aged and have 2 kids, and I still sit on the couch an awful lot.

CourtC777 said...

Lol, we do that, too. Today I seriously took out six bags of trash and twenty eight empty cases of beer. Sigh.

runningtofit said...

Hahahah! I found you through a link on Balance in Bites' blog and you know what, I think I may be in love with you. & that was after only one post. Must put you in my google reader asap!
I'm glad you didn't eat that oatmeal. It looks deadly :) I've totally been there with the whole extra zero thing. More like, switching from minutes to hours on the oven though. not good lol

Jenny said...

My husband and I totally lived like that before we were married. But then we got married and moved close to his family, and his sister, who is anal about keeping things clean. So I keep the house cleaner because I feel like an inadequate caveman next to her, but she still comes over and offers to clean. Meh. If she wants to, I don't stop her.

Kristy said...

This post made me so happy...my husband and I used to be like you guys, until we had a kid two years ago and became much much worse :) Oh wellz.

Members Only Last Member said...

This reminds me of our dish situation in the kitchen.

We have so many dishes built up that our counter resembles a crude little city, so much I've turned our dish mess into a drama: DishCity.

Occasionally the residents of DishCity are nearly wiped out in a freak cleaning disaster, but they're resilient. Within a week, the city is once again, thriving. And besides, that kind of disaster is like a once in a lifetime occurrence (in dish years). Right now for example, DishCity is an orderly and neat society. But one roasted chicken later, it gets distinctly urban.

Because Los Angeles only wishes to recycle and conserve when its in public and there's a camera, we've discovered the "wrong side of the tracks" section of DishCity: Boxville.

Boxville sounds like a nice play to visit, but in reality its just vacated structures with haphazard signage and graffiti spread about. DishCity residents generally ignore Boxville because it sits on the other side of the kitchen and poses no real threat.

But...to our shock a few DishCity espresso cups moved into Boxville (ostensibly as slum lords) and taken up residence atop the highest of the structures in Boxville.

I'm not sure how all of this will turn out, we fear for the worst.

Rachel said...

Oh my gosh...it's like part of my mind escaped and wrote this post! 2 seconds before I stumbled upon this page, I was sitting here thinking "I should vacuum. I really need to vacuum.......I'll sit here on the couch for a few more minutes and think pleasant thoughts about vacuuming while I mindlessly troll the internet."

Kschenke said...

Good news! You're not the only couple to act like that! Yay!!

Sarah said...

I am 17 and I really dont want to grow up... at all I plan to play in dirt until I am 80. And being an archaeology major this WILL happen. Anyway I just wanted to let you know, you are my hero. I am legit, no joke. I am going to spread you through Connecticut, Mississippi (where I am going to college, at least I have that much figured out), and Georgia. Beware. You may become famous. But yes. Hero. Don't forget!!!

Emmy T said...

The things you mentioned are the reasons my husband will not agree to buy a house together. He thought I was going to change my messy ways, AND clean after him? HA!