Wolves

Benny came to the birthday party because his mom had volunteered him to help supervise the children. He must have felt out of place being the lone teenage boy amidst a flock of over-excited six-year-old girls, but we welcomed his presence. We saw him as a sort of prop that we could manipulate in our imaginary games - a living, breathing human that would submit to pretending to be whatever we wanted it to pretend to be. On that particular day, we wanted to play a game called "wolf pack" which we had invented after watching a documentary about the hunting tactics of wolves.

We swarmed Benny as he was preparing to pour himself a glass of apple juice.


As a 13-year-old boy, Benny probably did not relish the idea of wasting an entire day entertaining us. But he was a good-natured young man, and he had agreed to help keep us out of trouble, so he reluctantly asked us what we wanted to play.

Us:  "Wolf pack!" 

Benny: "How do you play 'wolf pack'?" 

Us: "We're the wolves and you're the deer. We close our eyes and count to twenty and you run away. Then we try to find you and catch you!"

Benny:  "Okay. Where do you want to play?" 

Us:  "In the forest!" 

Benny followed us outside and we led him deep into the vast expanse of backwoods wilderness that was to be our playing field.  We reached a small clearing and decided to start the game there.  We yelled at Benny, "Now run away!"  

And we began to count.  

Benny scurried off into the forest, calling out behind himself to help make the game easier for us.  He thought we would have trouble finding and catching him.  


What Benny did not know was that we were incredibly serious about the realistic aspects of "wolf pack."  In our wildly vivid imaginations, we were actually wolves and Benny was actually a deer. 


We found him almost immediately.   


Benny probably would have tried harder if he knew that losing the game involved so much biting.  But he did not expect that the game would be so true to life. I'm sure it was quite painful for him, but that was a necessary casualty for the game to feel convincing and fun.  

Benny fought bravely, but there were too many of us and he was handicapped by his reluctance to punch and kick a bunch of six-year-olds. We wrestled him to the ground and bit him repeatedly until we were satisfied that we had "killed" him.


At that point, Benny had two options: he could stand there and try to reason with us until we finished counting and mauled him again, or he could flee and try to find his way back to the safety of the house before we caught him. 

Benny chose fleeing.  

But it was starting to get dark and the woods were unfamiliar to Benny.  There were labyrinths of footprints, left behind from our previous forest adventures, providing a confusing web of false trails.  He desperately clawed his way through the underbrush in a random direction that he hoped was the right one, but he only had twenty seconds and things weren't looking good for him.  We finished counting and took off after him. 


Benny was faster than us, but we greatly outnumbered him and we were able to strategically "herd" him into a clearing where we surrounded him and went in for the kill.  


Benny had severely underestimated our hunting and maiming capabilities.  We were not like ordinary little girls who frittered away their time hosting tea parties and pretending to be princesses.  We had spent countless hours out in the forest, sharpening our hunting tactics on imaginary prey and we finally had an opportunity to put all of our practice to use on a real thing that would run away from us and struggle for survival.  Unfortunately for Benny, we had not yet developed the ability to empathize with the pain and suffering of other people, and his terrified fleeing was pretty much the most fun thing that had ever happened to us. 

Once again, we let him stand up after we were satisfied that we had bitten him enough times.  


It became clear to Benny that he was going to have to play the game over and over and over until he could find his way back to the house.  He had to make the most of the 20 seconds we gave him to flee and try to make as much progress as possible in between maulings.  

We were exhausted from all of the chasing, but we weren't ready to stop playing, so we began to rely much more heavily on stealth. We stalked Benny through the darkening woods, waiting for him to make himself vulnerable to attack.


The psychological torment of waiting to be attacked was almost worse than the attacks themselves.  We darted around in the shadows, snapping twigs and making strange growling noises.  We sounded like tiny chainsaws.  

We would have continued to torture Benny for hours, possibly even days, but our parents called us home for birthday cake.


We cared about cake more than we cared about Benny, so we abandoned him in the woods and ran back to the house. Benny heard us being called, but he couldn't see where we went from his hiding spot. He tried to follow our shrieking voices, but just ended up getting turned around.

At first, no one noticed that we had arrived back at the house without Benny, but the topic did eventually come up.

My mom: "Where's Benny?"

Us: "Outside." 

My mom: "Doesn't he want some cake?"

Us: "No." 

My mom: "He should at least come inside and get warm..." 

Us: "He's fine." 

We didn't actually know if Benny was okay, but we wanted cake and talking about Benny wasn't bringing us any closer to that goal. 

 Eventually, the adults went looking for him. They tromped into the woods with flashlights, yelling "BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!" They were startled to hear loud crashing and branches snapping behind them, but it turned out to be Benny. He stumbled into the pool of light cast by the flashlight.


Benny's mom:  "Benny, what are you doing?" 

Benny: "Where are they?" 

My mom:  "The girls?  They came back an hour ago, are you still out here looking for them?" 

Benny: "No." 

Benny's Mom: ".... Well, you should really come up to the house, sweetie. It's cold out here."  

And so Benny got to come back to the house. When he walked through the door, we ran over to him and hugged his legs. "Bennybennybennybenny!" we shrieked. Bennybennybennybennybennybenny! We brought him a huge piece of cake on the most special plate we could find, and we watched him eat it to make sure he was enjoying it.


When he finally had to go home, we cried out after him, "Benny, are you coming back?  When are you coming back to play with us?"  Benny's mom remarked about how cute it was that we loved him so much, "isn't that just adorable, Benny? They really seem to like you!"  She assured us that Benny would come back to play with us soon.  

1,174 comments:

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Brian Wawryk said...

You definitely have a gift to turn a simple story into a work of art! I so enjoy these. I wish you could produce them faster but I realize the amount of work it must take to create one. Thanks again.

Anonymous said...

To "Naturality"
You've never taken care of a group of children, have you? They are devious, cunning, and evil when they are brought together.

keough said...

benny shud have pay double....

salwa said...

This is so awesome. I sincerely hope Benny reads this blog.

Ctal said...

...and we never saw Benny again.

lolz, great post! :)

Jay said...

It definitely reminded me of The Shining. "Come play with us...forever." Nice wolf drawings.

Absent-Minded Insomniac said...

Bahahahahahaaaa! Poor Benny, stalked by a pack of bloodthirsty North American six-year-olds.

That's a pretty unusual thirteen-year-old dude, agreeing to watch six-year-olds.

Tory said...

Yes. Yes. Yes. I don't want to go all book reviewy on you but if I did the blurb would be "PERFECTLY CAPTURES THE BLISS AND THE TERROR OF CHILDHOOD AND HOW COMFORT IS ONLY FOUND IN THE COMPANY OF RAZOR-TOOTHED FELLOWS. AND CAKE." Make compendium and outsell Sedaris immeds pls kthx.

Nick Dunn said...

Your drawings of the Wolves are really good!!

Meg - [Life of Meg] said...

CAAAAAKKKKKEEEEEE!!

Hahaha, great one! We've been craving another H&H original... please keep 'em coming!

shan_clance said...

First of all:
BEST ILLUSTRATIONS- EVER.

I also grew up in Idaho and feel that the environment somehow leads to this genre of make-believe for kids...after I read the series of Little House on the Prairie books one summer, I forced my sisters to play the parts of the animals that I ("Pa") hunted for sustenance. I LOVE your blogs sooooo much…they’re like a little window into my childhood psyche…

thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

The drawing of all you girls reminds me of the dolls in Barbarella. Jus' sayin.

Awesome post about an awesome childhood-for you, that is. Not Benny.

sionnac said...

Awesome, as usual. I also highly recommend and think you would enjoy the teenage girl-werewolf angst movie Ginger Snaps, and its sequels :)

Raiza said...

Allie, you need to write a book. seriously i end up crying im laughing so hard at the end of your posts. my boss thinks im weird because i randomly start crying and have mascara running down my face.
i tell him my work gets me choked up.

Bri said...

I would love to see this on an episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive."

P said...

Wow... i am flooded with memories not as terrifying as this but similar in nature... poor Benny.

Zai. said...

I never knew 6 year olds had such sharp teeth!

TKchan said...

You've probably scarred him for life. If he ever has a little girl he's going to disappear the day before she turns six and appear the day after she turns seven.

Just to be sure.

-E

Kat said...

Wow, Allie, even your friends were insane. I love it!

I love wolves, and your wolf drawings are fantastic. So pretty!!!! But now I'll probably have a nightmare after seeing the piranha-children.

AZ Mommy said...

I wonder how much therapy Benny needed after that. oh oh I wonder if he can watch the animal planet!

Great post. BTW you need to change your copyright dates.

rebecca said...

OH MY GOD, my friends and I played wolf pack at recess all through elementary school. Don't think we ever actually bit anyone, though.

Lilly said...

Hahahaha! Poor Benny. I wonder if he gets flashbacks every time he sees a six-year-old now?

cowbert said...

Maybe years later, Benny was the one who pitched the cake-is-a-lie idea to the Portal writers...

Two Wits said...

These are the best pictures that you have done yet! The trees and the wolves are superb!

Ashira deSembre said...

BAHAHA! xD I love your depictions of wolves. You should do more wolves.

Laura said...

I can't believe i'm the only person who feels the need to alert the authorities!

RS said...

YAAAAY A NEW POST! I'm a happy bunny.

or maybe, wolf?

http://rinaisk.blogspot.com

Julie said...

That was terrifying. I feel like I'm about to be attacked by wolves and I'm sitting in a brightly lit community college with no woods around.

dana said...

A new post in honor of my birthday, yay!

Excellent, as always!

Moooooog35 said...

It's like the time the boys I used to hang around with in the city would play "gang bang" in the park with all the women joggers.

Good times.

Bunnies Make Noise said...

So many people underestimate the depravity of little girls. I'm glad you don't!!

Heather Greywolf said...

Ali, I wish I had been invited to your birthday parties as a child ... they sound so hilariously like mine!!!

Of course, this MAY have had something to do with my father ... for my 8th birthday, when all us kids were playing a wonderful, non-biting version of "hide-and-go-seek in the dark" outside my house, my Dad decided that this would be a GREAT time to dress as a knife-wielding maniac and scare me and my playmates. (I only WISH I was making this up.) Essentially, he donned a mechanic's jumpsuit, pulled on a mask, grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen, and snuck around the yard, through the treeline. Then as a group of us ran gleefully by, he proceeded to jump out of the woods and run straight at us, screaming. You've never seen so many 8 year-olds wet their pants simultaneously.

Oddly enough, this only made my birthday parties more popular. (Which only proves that all little kids come equipped with some kind of "Lord of the Flies" subroutine that's built into the programming ...)

Nathan said...

Your control over Paint is unbelievable. Those wolves are amazing!

Anonymous said...

Hahahha! You seem like you had a lot of fun as a kid. I never played games like that.

Ms. MM said...

Yeah...this is hitting too close to home for me. Except I'm a 14-year-old girl and I had no qualms about biting eight-year-old boys who were trying to kill me with Nerf guns and extremely short legs.

Short story long ('cos I'm procrastinating on a school project): We have a grassy stretch of...erm...grass next to our house in suburban Idaho that doesn't belong to anyone and is popular for pre-teen boys running and screaming for no reason. One day my eight-year-old brother said he and his four friends wanted me to come out and play with them. My mom shoved me out the door and I stood in front of the boys. I was at least two feet taller then the tallest one, so I didn't feel too threatened.

I asked, "What do you want me to play?"

One of the boys (Ryan, I think) said, "We just want you to chase us around and stuff."

So I ran around and tackled a few of them, then stood up, brushed off my jeans and said I had to go back inside. You would've thought I said that I was going to slaughter their dogs and use the intestines and spleens to wear as armor upgrades whilst I was chasing them.

Two grabbed my legs and said, "NEOOO, then we won't have anything to do!!!"

They were kind of cute so I played a little longer.

Then it got more serious, as one (the shortest) tackled me around the knees and then my loyal brother sat on me. The other kids proceeded to try and roll me down the not-so-steep hill.

I wasn't sure what the purpose was, but I knew it couldn't be good and I was having trouble breathing. So I pushed the short kid off my knees, kept him back by pushing him onto his butt everytime he tried to get back on, threw my brother off my chest and fended off the rest of the boys while I ran back to the house.

When I got inside I locked the doors and enjoyed the children staring pitifully into the backdoor. It was November and super cold. I didn't let them in for half an hour.

Benjamin Sutton said...

This sounds exactly like what me, my two sisters and my big brother were like as youngsters, I feel *really* sorry for my brother who went through years of the torment that you described... Still, time heals all wounds and all that, I'm sure the nice doctors will let us visit him in the mental health hospital aaaaany day now :)

Scott McDaniel said...

You were a horrible, monster child.

Thank you!

Scott McDaniel said...

You were a horrible, monster child.

Thank you!

JennieB said...

Brilliant. To which institution should we send Benny's get well cards?

kristina said...

I'm with the others who love the pic with the girls heads cocked to one side at, "CAAAAAAAAAAKKEE"

I do wonder that the parents didn't seem to notice Benny's blood and bite-covered body...

And I love that "I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you".

Feel free.

Clandestine Road said...

This is fantastic. You capture childhood perfectly.

Poor Benny.

Mallory Lorene said...

I absolutely love the creepy eyes of the little girls all staring at Benny. That's how I feel babysitting large groups of kids.

JoMarieS said...

Everytime I read your blog my boyfriend emerges from the other room trying to determine what has me laughing so loudly. This one was no exception to that rule!!

RS said...

just read the whole thing. it's HILARIOUS. I LOOOVE YOUR CARTOONS!!!!

Gini said...

That was PSYCHOTIC! Frightening little children!

MOV said...

wicked funny, love your writing style... I consider myself to be like an older version of you, but you know, if you had children. hope you can check out my blog if you have a moment.
http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com
MOV

Heather said...

I can just imagine my oldest son being drawn into the same kind of torture/game with his little sister's friends.
Of course the cake would make it all worth it. (I love those cake hypnotized eyes.)

Andrea Hatch said...

I am quite impressed with your wolf illustrations.

You manage to make them look EPIC and still fit right in with your usual EPICNESS.

You're the shiz, Allie.
Loves.

We should do an art trade. Your craziness + mine = Fantastico

Shauna said...

YAAAAAAAAAAAY new post!!

Awesome suspense!! Love it, Allie. :-)

Aslimmerkitten said...

that was totally me as a child. Except I had no friends to help me bring down the prey.

Wendek said...

Awesome post ! I wish I had spent my childhood in a rural area like Idaho, so that I would have funny stories like that one to tell. I would have laughed to be at your birthday parties, I'm sure =)

Also, superawesome drawings of girls-wolves.

I do feel a bit sorry for Benny, though. The end of the post is quite creepy... and fun. :D

Trish said...

Oh good lord, this whole thing is amazing. The illustrations of Ben when the game goes horribly wrong for him are excellent.

Tag is serious business.

Ginga Ninja said...

totally creeper...

audrey said...

I love the manic look in all the little girls eyes. And also the weird rrrr noises. Another awesome post. Your blog never fails to make me laugh out loud, a lot!

Darci said...

Laughing so hard... cannot breathe. Holy hell, that was funny. Seriously, funny. And Socks' comment made me laugh even harder... LMAO. But most of all YAY for a new post!!!!

HavenNyx said...

It's like the childhood prequel to Cannibal the Musical =)

Poor, poor teenage boys. They never understand what they're getting into.

Courtney said...

ROFL Poor Benny. He never knew what hit him, did he?

Calvin Luo said...

GENIUS!!!! iTS AMAZING HOW HARD I LAUGHED!!!!

poor benny :D

you know how usually when you're by yourself u dont really laugh out loud?

this had me laughing so hard i was rolling on the ground and dying.


great post!!!

my new favorite. :D

Breanne said...

This was hilarious!! Made me laugh so hard I was going to choke on the food I was eating. I should have learned to never eat while reading your blog.

Ms. MM said...

Oh yeah, and I would totally be the pigtailed redhead in the yellow rainbow shirt.

Four Renners (and a half) said...

That is too funny. In that, creepy-children-of-the-corn, good-dog-goes-nuts-and-bites-you sort of way.
"Rrrrrrrrr."
"Hello...?"
Bwahaha.

Anonymous said...

One . . .

Little Monkey Boy said...

Hahaha, we used to play "VC" as kids which was our super hip way for saying "Velociraptor", we had a bit of Jurassic Park obsession. We also treated it to the utmost realism in context of Jurassic Park, I don't think Benny would've been pleased being stuck hiding in a basement in the pitch dark while the VC's hunted him! Great story!

Kim Fisher said...

I LOVE HOW, woops sorry damn capslock. I love how they go from a pack of rabid 6-year old girl-wolves, to Thriller-esque cake zombies at the mention of CAAAAAKKKKEEEEE. Thanks for the new post, YOU STILL GOT IT! (capslock on purpose that time)

Candy Coated Cactus said...

Your pictures are particularly great in this post. I love the two with you all as actual wolves! I wish I had a baby sitter that let me attack them with my fellow wolven sisters.

Anonymous said...

You had the most amazing childhood ever

Tish said...

ha!!!!! I was JUST wondering if you were gonna post soon.

Thanks for the laugh!

www.luvandkiwi.com

weissy said...

I had to take several breaks while reading this.

*tear of joy*

Lulu Caribou said...

So awesome it hurts.

I wonder if your mom (or the other parents for that matter) actually knew you very well as a child ...

Poor Benny, I wonder if he has any PTSD, that would be hard to explain to the others in support groups: "What happened to you?" "... a six year old girls birthday party ..." *shudder*

Bravo on getting fully into character :)

Have I mentioned yet how much I simply love you Allie? You're quite super cool!

Erin M. said...

The wolf drawings look SO good, thanks for the new post and the always awesome drawings!

Anonymous said...

I especially love the drawing of the girls with their heads cocked, listening to the siren song of "Cake"!

Jessica said...

Yaaaaaay! New post<3 great one, as always!

Jessica said...

Yaaaaaay! New post<3 great one, as always!

Kendall Madison said...

Oh the irony! I just finished a post on my day in the woods with coyotes!

I love the work as usual :)

AmberLaShell said...

So, did Benny ever come back? I am totally intrigued...

amberlashell.com

Lise said...

Shrieks of joy greeted the appearance of one of your comics in my blog reading list...these were soon followed by shrieks of laughter.

This is wonderful. I kind of wish I had been your friend when we were little. (And I'm super glad I never had to babysit you!)

Poor Benny. I've never really considered how incapacitating a group of small girls can be: he can't fight back, and, even if he could escape the woods, he couldn't really complain to anyone, unless he wants to hear "Aww, Benny are you scared of the little girls?"

Anyway, thanks for sharing the sheer awesomeness of your stories and art! That canine-like head tilt on the little wolves/girls when they heard "Caaake" was uncanny.

Citrus said...

That sounded positively horrifying. Hmm... Now that I think about it, it's not that far from what I've experienced with parties with small girls.

Me said...

This post is the best part of my day... Awesome as usual!


http://blogyoureabouttoread.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

After a terrible day of shoveling snow and ohnowork this has increased my mood by over 9000 points

Anonymous said...

Dammit, now I want cake.

Miranda said...

My older brother, his even older friend and I played a similar game, except it involved ME being chased! Of course, there was no actual mauling, but I was prey, and they did hold me down and torture me as a defenseless little five-year old. It was, in a way, fun! Especially when I chasing them!!! :D

~Miranda

Laura said...

Did no one else find this post horribly upsetting? I actually read it an hour ago, but I had to come back and say something because I can't get it out of my mind. I just started subscribing to this blog--are the posts usually this dark? I didn't see anything funny about that situation, and I actually would have appreciated a disclaimer before I started reading. Not knocking the author, I just think maybe I misunderstood what kind of blog this was supposed to be?

Anonymous said...

Your blog posts usually bring a laugh to my day, but this one sucked. I suspect some exaggeration - hence the "hyperbole" - but this just isn't funny at all. Really, you bit a teenage boy to the point that he had to hide, and he couldn't get away from 6 year olds?

Ashley Tambunga said...

Oh well this is just splendid. Reminds me of when my 3-year-old niece was making her own version of "Brown Bear, Brown Bear." I walked by her bedroom to hear

"Blue horse, blue horse, what do you see? 'I don't see anything, somebody ripped my eyes out.'"

Your images and text are just incredibly delightful. Thank you so much!!

Epithemeus said...

I feel so much more normal now. Thank you for that. I used to worry that maybe it was weird and creepy that as a kid I played with Barbies. Well, that WHAT I played with Barbies was weird and creepy to be exact. Barbie would be having a slumber party and once all the Barbies were asleep Ken would sneak in and kidnap them, tie them up, and torture and rape them. Usually it culminated in ripping Barbie heads off of plastic necks and pulling Barbie legs off of plastic hips. But after reading this, I don't feel worried anymore. Yep, Ken raping and mutilating Barbie is perfectly normal compared to playing Wolf Pack.

Sarah Allen said...

I just have to say, I don't think I've found any other blog as comedically brilliant as this one. You are geniusly hysterical. I can always count on you to brighten my day in a wonderful, slightly awkward way :) Please keep being brilliant and funny. No pressure :)

Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)

Anonymous said...

Ha ha Allie. I missed the posts due to your stop in posting... Mady my day... Ha ha ha...

Who's Benny? Poor Benny...

Mosey said...

...And did he come back to play with you?

Laura said...

These pictures are AMAZING. Especially the wolves and the grey scenery ones with the depth and the snow shading and the trees and stuff. Seriously beautiful.

The Tame One said...

I want a Benny!!

funderson said...

The best day is a day I get to read a new post from you.

Odie said...

I love Benny Alot.

;)

Haley Monley said...

You were the coolest sociopath six-year-olds ever! It's like Lord of the Flies meets Call of the Wild.

Anonymous said...

Whew! Having only recently found Hyperboleandahalf I was starting to worry that I'd tuned in just as Allie posted her final masterful piece (how kenny loggins ruined christmas). I'm very glad to see a new wonderful post.

Swampdog

Misaswonderland said...

I feel Benny's pain... I baby sit crazy 4 year olds... not fun!

Kateribethrose said...

This was a fun story, though I wonder if Benny would find the memory a bit disturbing.

I like the wolves you drew, they are very cute and vicious at the same time.

I am thinking of making a list of cute things that can totally eat you if they wanted too. So far I have Polar Bears and Wolves. Oh and Lions.

Speaking of lions, my friends and I used to pretend to be lions, particularly after watching 'The Lion King.'

Kristin Peters said...

Someone should definitely track Benny down so he can tell his side of the story... Artistically interpreted and potrayed by Allie, of course.

Asha said...

Your stories are always great but, I swear, your drawings are what makes the soda come out my nose. I have only been reading for a few months and I learned that lesson the hard way after just a few reads. Thanks for entertaining me yet agai.
http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

The Architect said...

Benny should be thankful you handn't discovered "Night of the Living Dead" yet...

Sara J said...

Yay, a new posting! My Tuesday has gotten brighter now. Loved it (especially the pic with all the girls' heads turned sideways when hearing "cake...")!

Trish said...

Ama-za-zing.

Molly said...

Hilarious, as always :) My, you draw fantastic wolves!

Anonymous said...

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE.
♥♥♥
This was essentially me when I was little, except I unfortunately didn't have a mob of like-minded little sociopaths and an older kid to maul :< I did, however, once get in huge trouble in preschool when I was the dog in a game of "playing house" and bit a girl who made me mad, though >:D

Anonymous said...

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE.
♥♥♥
This was essentially me when I was little, except I unfortunately didn't have a mob of like-minded little sociopaths and an older kid to maul :< I did, however, once get in huge trouble in preschool when I was the dog in a game of "playing house" and bit a girl who made me mad, though >:D

Anonymous said...

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE.
♥♥♥
This was essentially me when I was little, except I unfortunately didn't have a mob of like-minded little sociopaths and an older kid to maul :< I did, however, once get in huge trouble in preschool when I was the dog in a game of "playing house" and bit a girl who made me mad, though >:D

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Ooh, using the fancy stuff now, aren't we? :D You are awesome. What more can you say than that? :)

KodaBear said...

Even your morbid blog posts are funny! I wonder if cake would work on REAL wolves? Poor Benny...

KodaBear said...

Even your morbid blog posts are funny! I wonder if cake would work on REAL wolves? Poor Benny...

Ben Foster said...

That was freaky, but awesome and hilarious. I loved the periods of suspenseful anticipation.

KodaBear said...

Sort of reminds me of the movie "Frozen." I was never scared of wolves until I saw that movie...

Charlotte said...

Fantastic, as always. I love your posts, they make my day!

Anonymous said...

Keep the fantastic posts coming, Allie.

Robyn said...

I Love your Blog, and the drawings are SCHAMZING! but I admit it; this is the first one I kinda hope you exaggerated in... omg; Benny probably never had children and is living in a cave somewhere... :)

Kado said...

Great post! You draw a mean wolf pack. :)

Noah said...

This is simultaneously the creepiest and the funniest thing I have read in a while.

Robyn said...

OMG!! Why didn't Benny use the Magic of "PLEASE STOP"?? :-o

Anonymous said...

First thing I thought after seeing the words "wolf pack" was, "Oh, hell, this poor sonofabitch got mauled."

Scroll down....

Y'know the poor bastard is probably terrified of his children now? Actually, I might have married him.

LittleMissEclectic said...

Hyperbole strikes again. I have a girl crush on you ;)

Elisabeth said...

This is so hilarious to me because as kids, my two younger siblings and I would quite literally scare babysitters away. We looooooOOOOoooved them but there were quite a few that only ever babysat us one time. It took me until I was about 18 to realize that there was a reason they never came back, and it was ME. o__O Those poor, poor teenagers just wanted us to go to bed. I should probably go write about this myself, hahah...

Brittany said...

lol. That was sooo me and my friends when we were younger... torturing teenage boys was so much fun. :-)

LisaWinks said...

So glad to see another post by this very funny lady. I'm kinda jealous that we never thought to play any games like this with my cousins who lived in the country and had "the woods" to play in. Just shows that we were pretty lame with no imagination.

Tova said...

OMG I love this post. I'm now pretending to cough so it won't be so obvious that I'm laughing at my desk!

Skulda said...

HAHAHAH!!! So sadistic! :)

orangek8 said...

Those wolf drawings are frigging SWEET.

reka said...

Dear Allie,
I love you
-Katie

P.S- i like your shark

Srita Caramelo said...

I adore your anectdotic posts, the y are the best :D

Limizuki said...

you make me giggle.

Football Mom said...

OMG! Totally gotta remember to read these posts at home and not the office, my eye make up is all messed up, once again from tears of laughter.

schnapper said...

You are on funny funny woman.. (and not all "ha ha" funny either!!) Thanks for making me laugh :)

dufmanno said...

Run Benny Run.
Clearly he didn't watch enough Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Otherwise he would have hidden in a dense leaf pile, unmoving and then risen up to scare the crap out of you like Tom.

antares said...

I love this post! Allie you Rock!

Thunder said...

If I was in Benny's place I wouldn't be so merciful. And neither would you! :D

JayKuz said...

Benny, come play with us. Come play with us, Benny. Forever...and ever... and ever...

puncturedbicycle said...

Hysterical! And chilling...

Simone Says... said...

Did he ever fully recover?

Megan said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE. The genius Allie strikes again! The suspense in this was killer, man. Having once been a six-year-old girl myself (and having a little sister), I can relate to the terrors of a group of them. Basically, this needs to go in the Best Of list. :D

Unnecessary. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
proudrhrshipper said...

Good Lord... how did you ever manage to become an even slightly normal grown-up, Allie? This is just twisted. (And hilarious.)

Kellie said...

I seriously peed a little reading this, laughing so hard. Your posts honestly make my day.

Mber said...

I spend most of my days waiting for you to post new stuff because I laugh so hard that the RA's in my dorm ask me to stfu.


I'm sure they thank you.


I sure do. :>

summergrrl said...

worth the wait, indeed... I also thought the art was standout in this post, the pics of B hiding and definitely my favorite, all the girls tilting their heads when cake is being announced, followed by the empty clearing, love it! Thanks A, it's been slow lately around here, so glad to see a new post!

Catstina said...

Haha, you guys were such creepers! I love it and I love your wolf drawings!!

Anonymous said...

I love the picture of all the little girls biting Benny. I wish I'd been that awesome as a kid.

rachel's life. said...

poor benny!!!!

Alexa. said...

Ahahahha! This is amazing, I love your blog.

How did Benny turn out? You have to wonder about how these experiences affect people...

You obviously had the coolest friends ever.

doodlemonsterchicken said...

And why can't a 13 year old hit children? Maybe Benny should have been a fierce, rabid bear instead of a deer.

Suzie Q said...

Allie! I LOoooOOOooooVVeEeee your blog. A co-worker introduced Hyperbole and a Half to me during the holidays, while most associates were on vacation, and I obsessively began to read EVERY post in two days. On Christmas I made my entire family sit down at my Grammy’s house and read The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas on a, shall we say, less than updated computer- God love her. Regardless, you now have 32 more religious followers.

I've been excruciatingly waiting for your next post. My co-worker just flagged me down to tell me there was a new post today, at which point I sprinted back to my desk in a fit of delirious giggles.

I was in such delirium that I read the first sentence twenty times before the words started to make sense. AND BENNY to top it all off is my boyfriends nick name. He does not have a mean bone in his body and throughout the story I was envisioning him being attacked by a mob of toothy six year olds—too nice to fight back in fear of hurting a little kiddy. I laughed and giggled so hard my cube mate thought I was having a seizure. Maybe I did? I peed a little. Shh…

Adored it.
Thanks for making my day Allie!

Anonymous said...

Sad-faced, bleeding Benny is my favorite. :) Poor kid!

OMGWTFBBQ said...

This story makes me believe the "I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you" notice in the comment box.

kmkat said...

I am currently listening to the audiobook of The Forest of Hands and Teeth (YA zombie fiction). This fits right in.

padgie lee said...

omg its so hard to get to the bottom of the page to actually comment bcos there's a lot of people commenting on this.
anyway, good job! love the drawings :)

Amy L. Campbell said...

Holy crap this was amazing. I think this scared me more than the last Stephen King novel I read.

MyStolenDream said...

Wow. That seems like something my little self would do when I was younger xD

As always, LOVE. YOUR. BLOG.

I got uber exceted when I saw you had posted...so pwez post moar? It's not good for my heath to have an awesome-attack everytime this does happen.

Dinjin201 said...

HAHAHAHHA :D Wolf is an awesome game.. I do the same thing with my cousins, except I securely Tie multiple Pillows to myself in a pretty decent replica of roman legion armor. Then, I let them pounce on me and wrestle me to the ground :D

salima said...

maybe it's just my computer, but is anyone else having trouble loading pics?

amazing post, btw!!!

Maranda said...

Please, please, please add some of the photos to your store. I will buy at least 237 t-shirts, 83 mugs and 698 keychains. Thank you!

Robert C. Binyon said...

Love it, reminds me of playing with my godsister, though she never repeatedly bit me, she did love to beat me up as often as possible.

www.lasportsminute.blogspot.com

birdgirl said...

Next week I start a new job as a nanny.
For little girls.

You have me scared....

love your wolf drawings!

Alabaster Crank said...

And Benny never had children or a dog and possibly spent the rest of his life in a padded white room.

hahaha

Splunge said...

Poor Bambi, I mean Benny.

nightangel said...

oh god, that is the single most hilarious thing I have ever seen... wait... no that goes to this whole blog... and you Allie.

Erika said...

I love how you draw the wolves. They're so beautiful!

alexandra said...

My guess is that nowadays Benny asks all potential girlfriends if they are Team Edward or Team Jacob... lol

Arre=) said...

freaking hilarious

Fog and Thistle said...

A few months ago I was at a child's birthday party and I witnessed events very similar to this story. It was Lord of the Flies meets well-meaning, unsuspecting fun adult. I really got scared and rushed to intervene when one of the kids picked up a barbecue tool with an end that could impale the poor man.

Laurie Brown said...

That would make a GREAT horror movie!

Kristin said...

I love you and you're amazing but since your internet fame you're totally overthinking posts!!! I miss the old Allie :(

FranceRants said...

I LOVE your writing and cartoons.

Do you accept material from other folks? I have attached a link to my blog where I relive my 'terrifying' experience with the relentless Salvation Army kettle ringers. Would love to see your cartoon interpretation. You probably can't/won't but it is worth a try asking. Thx for the big smile!

http://bit.ly/ergBHD

Cate and David said...

A post on your blog makes my week! Thank you for the laughter!

William said...

hahahaha OMG i think i almost pissed myself

emily illinois said...

This reminds me of this French movie, "Them"...Pretty scary...That's all I'll say...

Perdita said...

Honestly, people wonder why I don't like children and have never babysat for anyone!

Awesome post Allie, thanks for cheering up my day.....again, and again, and again :)

Matt said...

Hilarious, as usual.

PS - your copyright monster has grown lax and is not protecting this post because it is dated 2011. ;)

hotclaws said...

Oooh,reminds me of those terrible dolls in Barbarella.

Vinny C said...

Truth be told, I think you taught Benny important life lessons here. Both about trust & underestimating people. Things that would greatly aid him in the future.

Kelsey Page said...

I love the Benny, the thirteen year old, has a five o'clock shadow.

Your stuff is hilarious. <3

Silphen Celosia said...

Haha! Oh god that sounds like me as a child. I wish I'd had a semi-willing human "deer" to pummel. xD

Anonymous said...

This had me in fits of laughter :D I wanna play this game now! As long as someone else is the deer. Also, I'm a relatively new reader and completely love you blog!

Anonymous said...

Loved the "Caaakkeee" head tilt of all the girls, looked exactly like my dogs when I ask if they want to ride in the car or go to the park.

Lindsay said...

This is brilliant. I always hated babysitting...you just reminded me why.
-Lindsay

Gadvac said...

Wow, already 380 pages? Jeez.

Anyhow, love this. I would not like to be Benny in this situation. So vicious....

Lissa said...

OMG that poor poor poor kid.

Children are feral little wolves. That's why they have that test of how many third-graders you could defeat.

Oh, and Allie, your posts make me shriek with hysterical laughter and my soul glow with incandescent glee :)

Martin said...

I'm glad to see that another human being survived playing in "the woods" As a kid all my best adventures happened there. Like hiding on the fallen tree and peeing on my friends when they went under it.

PS I love the top down perspective scenes that are from Benny's POV. Very creative storytelling technique.

Rosaleigh said...

This is hilarious!!
To this day I remember playing a similar kind of game in my first year of primary school called Flying Monkeys.
There was a large amount of screaming, lots of whining from other kids who wanted to play and the loud scream when we went "rabid" and bit the teacher....
Best Fun.

Double-Six said...

I would love to have a coffee mug of the 'wolf pack girls'!

penonkey3 said...

Those drawings make these blogs well worth the wait. <3

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, creepiest story EVERRRR
:-O

Hannah said...

You were a beastly little child. Poor, poor Benny.
My little cousin calls me her chair and sits on me violently, and that's bad enough!

Phantom said...

I'm surprised that six-year-old Allie wasn't playing Velociraptor Pack... or Land-Shark Murder.... or even worse, Julie Psychotic Rage Warriors!

Eltiar =3 said...

If i were Benny i would come back every day to play =D

(if i had brain damage)

.partly cloudy. said...

Once when I was in the 5th grade and volunteering as a mentor/recess buddy to a group of 5 year olds, they tackled me at recess and tried to strangle me with my own scarf. The teacher on yard duty just walked by laughing. Little kids are evil. True story.

Anyways love it, cracks me especially since I can empathize with Benny.

Erin said...

So I was having a terrible day, convinced of my total inadequacy. Then I read this and my mood completely changed. I am going to approach the rest of my day like a six year old wolf hungry for blood.

Thank you, Ally.

LittleBasementKitten said...

You were the most awesome 6-year-old ever, Allie.

Chelsea said...

There is nothing like running around in the woods as a child. Nothing. Great post girly.



My opinion: Chelsea's Opinion

beatgoddess said...

It's my birthday tomorrow, so this is the best present ever! And it should be, because I missed an eBay auction from laughing so hard and needing to reread this post twice! Thank you, as always. <3

Teewuh said...

So hilarious!! I, too, spent my childhood pretending to be a wolf... but suburbs don't have quite the atmosphere of a dark forest...

Amanda said...

Wow you guys were total assholes.

Renee said...

This reminds me of when I was about 5 or 6 - my mom used to bring us to play at a gym with a large group of other kids who were also homeschooled like I was.

There was one family that had an older boy who I think was somewhere between about 12 and 14 named Joel. For some reason, all of us little ones loved to play with Joel - and by play, I actually mean finding as many different ways to beat him up as possible.

The fact that Joel and Benny put up with this torture speakis to their future parenting skills I think!

Anonymous said...

I read that "come play with us!" line and all I could hear was those twins from The Shining saying it. Which, as I read on, only seemed to grow more and more suiting.

Anonymous said...

I kept telling people that children were evil. No one believed me. Now I have evidence. Thanks!

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