The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas

The year I learned that Christmas did not, in fact, originate as a celebration of my amazing ability to temporarily transform into a "good" child for a few weeks was the year my grandparents took me to see their church's nativity play.  My dad's parents were heavily involved in their church and felt that, at six years old, it was time that I start appreciating the miracle of Jesus instead of using Christmas as an excuse to whore out my integrity for presents.  Even though my parents weren't religious, they let me go to the play because it was important to my grandparents.

From my grandparents' flowery explanation and frequent use of the word "miracle," I went in expecting to be blown away by the production. Unfortunately, the church moms and the pathetic excuses for actors that they called their offspring failed to bring the characters to life in the way I had hoped.  And the story just seemed to center around everyone being really impressed with Jesus and there wasn't much suspense and not a single battle scene.



I could see that the story had potential, but I was deeply disappointed by the whole experience.


By the time my grandparents dropped me off at home, I had convinced myself that I needed to take matters into my own hands and reinvent the birth of Christ so that it conformed to my expectations. My parents and I lived with my maternal grandmother and my aunt, so I would have more than enough talent to work with - all I had to do was create a compelling story line.

I walked through my front door with purpose and gathered my family members in the living room to tell them about my vision. I was going to rewrite the birth of Jesus Christ and I was going to make it POP.

My mom, always wanting to nurture my creative side, agreed on behalf of everyone that we should go forward with the production. I would be playing the part of Mary and my dad would be Joseph. My aunt and my grandma would play the wise men. My mom would be filming. The dogs were slated to play the animals in the manger, but they kept trying to chew the eyes off of the doll I'd chosen to play Jesus, so their parts were cut and they were relegated to the bedroom for the duration of the production.

Once I had assigned everyone their parts, we set about the task of gathering costumes and props. Joseph was outfitted in a brown bath robe and Mary wore a blue blanket over her head like a cloak. The wise men, who were heavily intoxicated at that point in the evening, decided to dress themselves like gypsies.


I felt that the struggles of my character, Mary, needed to be emphasized. The audience really needed to understand that she was suffering. I constructed my costume accordingly.


By the time I was done reinventing her, Mary carried a cane, walked with an exaggerated limp and was completely covered in BandAids.


She was also blind.

The first scene opened with Mary and Joseph walking across the desert in search of shelter. I took my dad's hand and slowly paraded around the house, making a big show of being horribly disabled.


I was slightly annoyed when my dad broke character to ask my mom if she put the leftovers in the refrigerator, but I tried to work around the interruption and carry on. I couldn't let myself be distracted by the incompetence of others.

I had never been more serious about anything in my little life.  I ad-libbed my lines with the greatest sincerity, pausing after each one to let the weight of my plight sink in.


Every now and then, I would pause my dramatic musings and make my dad knock on a door and ask "Is there room at the inn?" At which point, my mother's disembodied voice would say "I'm sorry. There is no room at the inn." And then I'd make my dad feign complete outrage at the detached voice.

Me: "Now yell at the innkeeper!"

My Dad: "Arrggghhhh!"

Me: "No, Dad! Actually yell words at him!"

My Dad: "You... innkeeper! You dirty innkeeper!"

Me: "Do it better than that."

My Dad: "Oh, I'll... I'll show you, you rascally innkeeper!"

Me: "NO! You aren't saying it mean enough."

My Dad: "How do I say it mean enough?"

Me: "Say 'I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you!'"

My Dad: "I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you."

Me: "Louder."

My Dad: "I'LL RIP OUT YOUR GUTS AND FEED THEM TO A MONSTER AND THEN I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

Working with my family was turning out to be more of a struggle than I had anticipated.  They seemed to be actually looking for opportunities to derail my theatrical masterpiece.

Once we had cycled through knocking on every door in the house in much the same fashion, I went back to the first door and started the process over. At some point in this endless litany of repetitive scenes, my mom interrupted to try to get things moving a little faster.


My mother didn't seem to understand how serious I was about my part.  Fortunately, I got bored with the scene well before I'd gotten around to reenacting it a million times.

It was finally time for Jesus to be born. Due to my incomplete understanding of childbirth, the scene involved Jesus being tossed across the room, as if in flight, and me running over to where he landed and acting really surprised to find him there.


The wise men were in the kitchen making more cocktails while Jesus was being "born" and they missed their cue. My mom ran into the kitchen and yelled "Jesus is here!" to which the wise men responded "Oh! Right! Shit. Hang in there, Jesus! We're coming!! "

They stumbled into the living room, still clutching half-full glasses of vodka which they hadn't had time to pour orange juice into, and yelled, as if the baby Jesus were partially deaf or mentally challenged "HELLO JESUS. WE COME BEARING GIFTS."

Grandma: "Wait, where are the gifts?"

Aunt: "Didn't you bring them? We were supposed to bring gold, frankincense and that other one." 

Grandma: "I thought you were going to bring them."

Aunt: "I was busy keeping my eye on that star and trying not to get us lost. You were on gold, frankincense and whatever duty."

Grandma: "Well, I was brushing the camels."

Aunt: "You aren't supposed to brush camels." 

Grandma: "You don't know that. Have you ever owned a camel?"

Aunt: "Of course. I'm a wise man. I know all there is to know about camels."

Grandma: "Well, then you should know that camels need to be brushed. A lot."

Aunt: (skeptical silence).

Grandma: "Well, I guess we don't have any gifts after all. Sorry Jesus."

I was not happy. I ordered them to go find some gifts for Jesus.

They scavenged around the living room for a few minutes and then returned bearing a pack of cigarettes, the remote control and a Kenny Loggins tape.


Aunt: "We're back! And we have the gifts!"

Grandma: "They are specially imported from distant lands."

The gifts were most definitely not imported from distant lands. I had just seen my aunt and grandmother pick them up off of the floor, seemingly at random.  Their inattention to detail infuriated me. They weren't even trying to make the play seem realistic.  They were sabotaging my monumental production with their lazy, unrealistic props.

Me: "Jesus doesn't want those things."

Grandma: "Sure he does. Jesus loves Kenny Loggins."

Me: "No. He hates him."

My dire seriousness only served to fuel their desire to toy with me.

Aunt: "No, no, no. Jesus was a huge Kenny Loggins fan."

Grandma: "It's true. I saw it in the Bible once."

Me: "Grandma, Kenny Loggins wasn't even alive back then."

Grandma: "Oh yes he was.  Kenny Loggins is immortal."

They both burst into raucous laughter.  They thought they were being awfully clever.  Apparently my mom and dad thought so too, because they joined in.


At that point, they were all laughing too hard to clearly impart any further knowledge of Kenny Loggins.

I looked at them, strewn about the room; contorted with laughter over their own stupid jokes.


They were a disgrace.  They had somehow managed to take my moment in the spotlight and irreversibly derail it until it was entirely about Kenny Loggins. This was supposed to be MY moment, not Kenny Loggins' moment. It was so unfair. They were ruining my life.


I couldn't contain my fury any longer.


An unforeseen plot twist arose when, in a final attempt to jar my family into cooperation, I cast the baby Jesus to the ground and began to repeatedly bludgeon him with my cane.

Even though they weren't religious, the violent blasphemy unfolding before them made my family feel slightly uncomfortable.


My grandmother tried to intervene. 


For a moment, it seemed as though my outburst had succeeded in bringing my family back into a more serious mindset. But after a few moments of tense silence, my aunt quietly squeaked "Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus..."

It was over.  Any hope I had ever had of getting my family members to act out their parts with integrity was shattered.  They laughed and laughed until I thought they were going to asphyxiate on their own wretched spittle.

My mom eventually realized that it was her maternal duty to step in and discipline me when I did things like strike the baby Jesus repeatedly with a blunt object, so she tried to pull herself together and send me to my room. 


I didn't want to spend any more time around these horrible, undignified people anyway, so I stomped away to my room where I could reenact the play with a more cooperative cast.


I still hold a small amount of resentment toward Kenny Loggins.  

1,499 comments:

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Anne said...

That was awesome

Kitsune said...

Love it!
Thanks for another great post, this will make my Xmas this year.
:)

Annie said...

Hysterical! I laughed so hard all the way through!

Once Known as The Badger said...

This is probably sacrilegious, but I threw a Kenny Loggins CD out this morning. I think my ex-wife left it here. If I had know, I could have sent it to you!

SinfulBliss said...

I'm so happy you brought up that Santa was really Jesus's little brother. That's why he took over the holiday... He was jealous of Jesus getting all the attention. It's also why he wears a bright red suit, you've got to get attention some how....

But seriously, thank you for making me look crazy by laughing hysterically by myself in my office. It made my day.

Mary said...

#1- This officially will rank with the Chuck Norris Jokes, as in right below him, because Chuck Norris is full of awesome.

#2- As also being named Mary; I wish I would have thought of something so clever as this & had family as nutty as yours.

Allie, you rock!

Anonymous said...

I enjoy your blog but I find that the post are getting to long for me to read before the boss catches me.

Anonymous said...

Actually, my favorite part was when, for some unknown reason, I scrolled aaaallllllll the way to the bottom of this blog and saw the fuzzy little guy saying "Hello" so of course I had to click there...

Mandaline said...

I told my boyfriend that if he didn't laugh several times while reading this post, that we'd have to break up.

silgrey said...

"No, dad, actually yell words at him!"

The perils and nostalgic joys of sarcastic parents. I needed this post; it has improved my week immensely. Thank you for making me laugh out loud every time I tune in.

lazy_katie said...

T-Rexes are known far and wide for their complimentary attitudes, as well as their Allie-protecting abilities. He should have been there in the first production. Your family wouldn't DARE have insulted you in front of him. He would probably eat them alive, just like he ate Kenny Loggins after he heard "Meet Me Half Way".

Amy said...

I'm sitting at home on my parents' couch next to my dad, who's watching Glen Beck. And I'm trying to to show the tears of laughter in my eyes at the risk of being called blasphemous.

I needed this to get through Christmas. Thank you, Allie--SO much!! :D

Jamoosh said...

OK, I am all over ihatekennyloggins.com!

Vanessa said...

I just laughed so hard that my next door neighbor came over to check on me. She thought something was wrong. THANK GOD YOU'RE BACK!!!

Kendra said...

Totally agree with Courtenay! Was thinking the same thing!
Hilarious! PS your aunt and your grandma are awesome!

Anonymous said...

You make me laugh in inappropriate places :D

kailey_chow said...

LOVE.

Hannah said...

This made my day! Fantastic, Allie! If only my childhood were as eventful!
I freaking love this blog. Although you should know, that when it comes to the word "Hyperbole" I have a speech impediment. I cannot, for the life of me, say it. It always comes out "Hyperboble" with an extra b in there. Horrible. So whenever I'm trying to tell my friends about "this fantastically hysterical blog I found" I always sound like an idiot when I attempt to say the name.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, can we be best friends? Was that not clear?? So...can we??
-Hannah

Anna said...

Seriously, Kenny Loggins is awesome, but the real question on everyone's mind is, WTF is Rick Moranis??????

Anonymous said...

i started to think you had died you hadn't posted for over a month. but this was the best thing ive ever read in my life. well bye im off to make a kenny loggins shrine.

Anna said...

What should be "where the fuck" not "what the fuck." Just in case you didn't know.

Orianna O'Neill said...

Allie, words cannot express how amazing you are. My mom and I read your blog together, and have for a few months now. When Facebook told me that you had a new post, I had to immediately call her and let her know so we could laugh together. Also, I must say that I did a happy dance when I found out that you moved to Oregon, where I live. Maybe someday I'll be walking along the street, and I'll see what I think is a chicken, then I'll realize that it's you, and you're not actually a chicken, just doing a really good impression.

Love,
Ori

Anonymous said...

You totally took the baby Jesus to The Danger Zone

greengeekgirl said...

I am laughing so hard that I'm crying.

Rae said...

Not... first...?
Bummer! Going to read it soon. Good to hear from you, Allie!

Laurenbug said...

Man, you just can't make this stuff up...

Koci said...

*loves*

Dean said...

I'm starting a FB group to compel Allie to post the video. Or at least have it re-made.

Melbourne on my mind said...

I think I just busted something trying not to wet myself laughing in the office... My younger brother and I once did a Santa "what do YOU want for Christmas, small child?" show for our parents, only I thought my brother ruined it by wearing his ninja turtle costume from Halloween. In hindsight, I suspect it improved the situation...

Have a wonderful Christmas!! :)

Forrest said...

Loooove it! <3

Lou said...

You always seem to know when I need a big fat snorty laughing session. Thanks Allie!

Anonymous said...

I laughed so much I had to hide in my jumper, which is my basic measurement of hilarity - must remember to wear said jumper to church at Christmas just in case I flashback ...

Hurrah for you and Merry Christmas!
xxxhmj

Jessie said...

This honestly made my day. Too freaking funny.

Munchflower said...

SO MUCH WIN.

Anonymous said...

Allie, you are the BESTEST!!! I haven't LOl'd that hard since...well...the dogs-don't-understand-moving post!

Thank u SO very much for sharing your creativity with us, and wishing you and yours the happiest of Holiday Seasons!

Zoe Sotet Art Studio said...

That is the most awesome christmas story EVARR!

Your grandma and aunt sound great :D

Not the Hero said...

YAY new post. I love it. I especially loved the part when you smote the baby Jesus with the cane.

Ps. How's Oregon?

Anonymous said...

Who is kenny loggins?

Roni B said...

I am so, so sorry. I do this kind of thing to my kids all the time. On the plus side though, if they turn out like you I will be most pleased.

Suzanne Fraser said...

This is AWESOME. And I LOVE all your posts. I finished reading back to the first one today, and I feel like you personally rewarded me for this. I read this to my mother and I laughed so hard I cried and couldn't breathe. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

Bombala said...

At last! I have been longing for a new post from you the last four weeks!

toddvj said...

Awesome. Also F Kenny Loggins.

Mr.Kite said...

Yay! I am in a very holiday spirit.

Gini said...

DYING laughing. Bahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!

Anonymous said...

Well worth the wait and the best Kenny Loggins-mas gift one could ever hope for.

You DID mention that your mom was filming it. If such a film exists, you DO realize you will be obligated to share it. Here. With us. Who follow your blog as though our very existance depends upon it.

Anonymous said...

Oh good lord I just spent the last five minutes laughing in a totally inappropriate-at-work kind of way. You better be careful. Kenny Loggins is going to find you and fuck you up for dissin' him like that. XD

Anonymous said...

PS - can you imagine what piece of clothing I would have had to hide in if I actually knew who Kenny Loggins was/is? I suspect no off-the-peg-highstreet sh*t would hold my hilarity - you could have bankrupted me!
xxxhmj

Josh said...

This post made me want to listen to some Kenny Loggins.

LoriD said...

I can't read anything you write while I'm in a public place because I start laughing like a crazy hobo person, and I can't stop. I had to leave my coffee shop, damnit!

But seriously, you're awesome.

Gi-Gi Roxx said...

A-Maz-Ing! I'll be snickering alone in the corner at my family christmas gathering thinking about baby jesus being beaten with a cane.

Also, I might make a game of seeing how many of my family members I can get to say "Kenny Loggins" during the get together.

Thank you. :o)

Anonymous said...

The facial expressions are all absolutely brilliant.

claire said...

omg long post yayayayayayayay!

stephaniejane said...

It's been awhile since I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks Allie, as always, your internet fame has made the world a better place.

Heather said...

OMG- thank you SO MUCH for this. Well worth the wait. You just made my retail job a little more bearable this year. :) Mary giving birth to Santa explains SO MUCH.

Michelle said...

Thank you for this Christmas gift. One of your best posts ever.

fifill said...

Aaaah. Your mother's face while trying not to laugh made me make the same face. So funny. So, so, so funny. Just hope I didn't wake my parents while laughing.

Caroline Henley said...

oh my gosh. you are amazing!! i can't stop laughing!!! teach me your brilliant ways!

Anna~ said...

I tried so hard not to laugh...really I did....but couldn't stop myself.....

Anonymous said...

Worth the wait!

-Jeff

Tenacious B said...

Quit winning all of my internets!

You so rock.

This Crazy Chick said...

Allie, this is frickin hysterical!!! This is probably the best Christmas present I will get. You are so funny. And I resent Kenny Loggins because my mom was under the impression that if she put me in bed and put Kenny Loggins on, I would go to sleep. No mother, if you put your child who has undiagnosed ADHD in bed and turn on Kenny Loggins at two in the afternoon, you will not get a peaceful, sleeping child. You will get a monster who will eternally hate Kenny Loggins. And it will be all. your. fault.
Anyway. Love your blog! :D

Sess said...

Awesome post!!! I remember a similar thing happening to me (though not quite as epic). My parents, my grandparents, my uncle, my cousin and myself were playing with some Lego dolls, and it turned into a courtroom scene. All the adults wanted the crimes to be stuff like 'going to bed late' and 'not eating up your dinner', but my cousin and I were insistent on 'theft' and 'murder'. The grown-ups deemed that we'd had too much sugar and sent us away until we'd calmed down, so we went into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of ketchup, went back and tipped it all over the Lego dolls.
Surprisingly, we didn't get punished for doing that, and even more surprisingly, neither of us turned into knife-wielding psychopaths. Yet.

Sess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

@matt - I almost had my hysterics under control, then "Manger Zone"...my ribs and cheeks hurt...

wendiw80 said...

you have the funniest blog i've ever read. I love it!! i wish i could be half as clever as you!

Jayci said...

Does your mom still have this recorded?
Please post it. Please.
That's all I want for Christmas.

Gin said...

Hahaha this is great. Your version beats out that 2006 Nativity Story with Keisha Castle-Hughes any day in my book.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Allie. I liked it ALOT!

Dani said...

A new post! Why, it IS Christmas after all!

Anonymous said...

My night was really sucking and you made it better. THANK YOU.
-Amy

Anonymous said...

Amazing.

Jen said...

Perhaps I'm repressing memories, because I have an irrational hatred of Kenny Loggins as well. Do you and I have the same giggle-fit-prone family? :/

This was just in time to refresh my Christmas spirit. Happy holidays, Allie.

Lara said...

Fantastic. I love your family. The bickering of the "wise men" reminds me of a Monty Python sketch, like King Arthur arguing about the logistics of swallows and coconuts in the midst of a quest for the Holy Grail.

Also, the picture of your mom losing her shit as she says "KEEENNNYYY LOGGINNNSSS ..." is hysterical.

Elle said...

Best Christmas gift ever. Thank you so much Allie. I really needed this right now.

Paul said...

WWKLD

Anonymous said...

you don't know how babies are made and you are a small child?

HAHA that is HILARIOUS

kenny loggins? I don't know who that is but saying his name repeatedly just gets me rollin on the floor

to not be totally negative, I enjoyed other posts but this seems more fictitious than the others and nowhere near as funny

merry christmas anyway

Mari said...

This is right up there with the Gilda Radner "Judy Miller show" sketch on SNL from years ago! I still laugh out loud at the thought of that and will do so with this post for years to come.

Thanks!

Roar said...

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Lira said...

Oh my god. I love all your stuff, but this is by far, by FAR, my favorite!

I LOVE your storytelling!!!

KelleBelle said...

I am so glad to know I'm not the only kid who insisted her family participate in ad hoc plays, musical theatre, and circuses (even though our only animal was a hamster). I don't know if that makes either of us feel better, though.

Bridget said...

obviously you should post the video to this! also props to your parents for inventing the vin diesel/chuck norris meme

Riin said...

My sides hurt from laughing. And yeah, Kenny Loggins totally sucks.

A. Malcontent said...

I shouldn't have read this while at work. I had to smother my laughter so my boss wouldn't hear me (his office is right next to my cubicle), and I feel like I've broken an internal organ somewhere from trying to keep quiet!

Tracy said...

I laughed so hard the kids ran in to see if I was OK. This is awesome! Thank you!

'Dee said...

Do you have any idea how much sugar-free Red Bull burns the nostrils when unexpectedly snorted due to uncontrollable giggles?

Ali said...

i don't know how you do it, but each post is even greater than the last

cat song said...

hahahhaa that was so funny, i had a hard time keeping myself quiet at work.

Celeste said...

You are a comedy genius!

caterpillar said...

Lol....Dolls are the best cast u can ever work with....they always always always listen to u... :D

Marion said...

Super duper awesome Allie, this may be my new favorite post. From now on, I will burst into laughter and tears whenever I hear a Kenny Loggins song. I also add my vote for you sharing the video, I cannot even imagine how great it is.

Celeste said...

You are a comic genius!

Kiata said...

Best Christmas story ever. This should be animated and shown on TV along with Charlie Brown, Rudolph and the rest.

Anonymous said...

Kenny Logins: The New Chuck Norris?

Anonymous said...

your ability to take the reader with you on your story is incredible. I loved it and can't wait for more.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! This made my day. Merry Christmas! I love your blog.
Shan

Leyla I said...

I love the festive holiday lights and reindeer and santa hats! :D

Anonymous said...

Why is the sun sad Allie? It's Christmas!

Liz B said...

This is absolutely delightful and I can see it unfolding with vivid clarity.

By the way you made me laugh to the point where my eyeliner is running. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

Jannarama said...

"Oh My Gosh! It's JESUS!" I almost spit my water out on my screen reading that ONE line!!

Thank you for the story. You ROCK! However, Kenny Loggins does NOT.

Anonymous said...

Wow, every time you write about your family, I understand you better. The funniest people have the funniest families. I would LOVE to be a member of your family...they sound hysterical! My family would never have gone along with your idea in the first place, let alone crack jokes about it. No wonder you are awesome!

K. I. Kiselev said...

I was listening to Puscifer's Polar Bear while reading the Mother Mary scene. It made the whole thing very solemn.

pinkmnm said...

AMAZING!! People are now staring at me due to my insane laughter!

Comrade PhysioProf said...

The way that you draw people's bodily postures is fucken outstanding!

Anonymous said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HILARIOUS!
..and just in case if there's any confusion, I'm referring to Kenny Loggins. ;)

Anonymous said...

Love!

sonja said...

Oh, c'mon, we gotta see that tape from your childhood! Youtube it! At least part of it!

PS Great post as usual.

eilene said...

A million years ago when I was young and T. Rexes wandered the earth, I dated a radio DJ that looked EXACTLY like Kenny Loggins. I almost snorted beer out my nose when I read this. You are so funny (and twisted) I can hardly deal with it. By the way, I teach high school honors classes, and I've converted all of my students to fans of yours.
My birthday is the day after Christmas.. if you aren't busy, would you consider drawing me a picture? Of absolutely anything you'd like? That would be the coolest present ever!

FrightenedByPenguins said...

If (when) Kenny Loggins and Chuck Norris had a baby, its gravitational mass would be so great that it would rip the entire universe asunder, resulting in the creation of an alternate universe composed entirely of the ever elusive 'beard matter'.

Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} said...

I really can't which is a worse gift for an infant . . . a Kenny Loggins tape, or a jug of ancient perfume. Both equally bad ideas.

paul =) said...

THIS IS WIIN XD

Roxanne said...

OH MY GOD.

I am literally crying from laughing so hard. I kept thinking about the comment I was going to leave. This part's my favorite...no this part's my favorite...the whole thing is just freaking fantastic.

Although I probably shouldn't have read it at work. My co-worker came in as I finished & thought I was crying from being upset. I couldn't even find the words to explain what was so funny.

Allie. You are brilliant. And if there is video, I would LOVE to see it. Although I'm thinking your recollection & drawings probably make it just a tiny bit funnier.

dbs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dbs said...

Thank you so much for the hilarity!
P.S. Kenny Loggins immortal? Not so much. But Kenny Rogers? Now THAT dude is immortal, or at least his face is.

Elee said...

Oh, Allie, I love you so hard. And I love, that your posts get really long and illustrated, even though you don't post often. But now to my thoughts during reading:

"And the story just seemed to center around everyone being really impressed with Jesus" Yeah, he is totally a Mary Sue, that Jesus *giggling*
"and there wasn't much suspense and not a single battle scene." Butbutbut... I distinctly remember something about massive killings of babies. True, not really a battle scene, but at least multiple deaths! Now, bring them back as baby-zombies, and you'll have your nice gory Christmas. "Due to my incomplete understanding of childbirth, the scene involved Jesus being tossed across the room, as if in flight, and me running over to where he landed and acting really surprised to find him there." Oh, oh, I think I know that one!!! Isn't his super seekrit name Clark Kent? And he grew up to be the bestest jewish journalist until he was buried in a cave made of pure cryptonite. And Pilatus is totally Lex Luthor!
"They are specially imported from distant lands." Pshhh, they probably were. Like China. Or whatever land produced the cheapest at that time.
And now I am wondering if Mary died at birth and Santa was adopted by T-Rex or if it was the other way around and a horde of T-Rexis dress up as reindeer at Christmas. And at last - did you know, that if you look in the mirror and they Kenny Logging's name three times, he will visit you the same night and eat all your cookies? Bet, you didn't!

yotko said...

If mom was running the camera, WHERE IS THE VIDEO OF THIS?!?!?!??! I'd pay good money!

Thunder said...

Who is Kenny Loggins anyway? :D

Lulu Caribou said...

Thank You. Allie, I've had an unbelievably demanding and stressful week that has been light on sleep and sanity.

I really needed a laugh today, and you provided one. I was laughing so hard through the whole post. Thank you :)

I love you, I also feel you should know you're my imaginary best friend, and now that you live in OR, I will someday drive over to bend simply to see if I can find you out on a street somewhere so I can stop and say hi :)

Hot Mess Housewife said...

Oh my goodness. Tears in my eyes. TEARS. I wish I was this awesome as a child (or that I could at least remember anything awesome I did as a child, and re-tell it so well). Your aunt and grandma are/were awesome.

dbs said...

Thank you so much for this hilarity!
P.S. Kenny Loggins immortal? Not so much. But Kenny Rogers? Now THAT dude is immortal, or at least his face is.

Kate Merriman said...

Just as hilarious as anything I've ever read by Davis Sedaris!!

Zenka said...

My partner heard me laughing and chortling "Holy SHIT!" just now and he's all the way back in the bathroom at the back of the house.

Annalise said...

I think my favorite part of this whole post was "MORE BANDAIDS!" Priceless. I'm never going to think of the Virgin Mary without bandaids ever again...

Elee said...

that if you look in the mirror and SAY Kenny Logging's name three times, he will visit you the same night and eat all your cookies?
- Ye gods, stoopid typos!

Peggy said...

Thanks, Allie ...
Truly hysterical!!!! Happy Christmas and Merry New Year (as the drunken adults in my family used to say)!!!!

Nimue32 said...

OMG! I never felt so guilty about laughing my @ss off in my entire life.... Kenny Loggins wouldn't laugh at Jesus getting bludgeoned!

Aileen said...

My dog (helper dog, not simple dog or moose dog) thinks I'm dying because I'm gasping and trying not to pee I'm laughing so hard.

KcD said...

I believe the holiday tradition in my home will henceforth and forever be to reenact THIS story in front of the tree.

Marisa et al said...

i want you to know, i tried... i really and truly tried to read this aloud to my husband (i usually asphyxiate on my own wretched spittle in the attempt... but got no further than 'whore out my integrity for presents' when he lost all control and the soda he was trying to pour ended up in a small pool on the bed.
he blames you.
but at least he's still laughing.

emilypostpunk said...

I'm all right, don't nobody worry 'bout me.

Jonny-boy said...

haha, the funniest one yet. XD

the cartoons just make my day.

Sheila said...

I MUST stop reading these at work...people are starting to wonder why there are odd, muffled, strangled laughter sounds coming from my cube.

MUCH LOVE for this post--I wanna be a Wise Man like your Grandma!

Goes looking for vodka and a Kenny Loggins tape....

burned-out medic said...

totally funny!

Bobbie Allen said...

Baby Jesus says: "I'm all right! Don't nobody worry 'bout me!"

Awesome.

nuclearheadache said...

I see where you get your sense of humor from.

Anonymous said...

So you awkwardly changed up a Bible Story to make it more entertaining? You were years ahead of Mel Gibson. He owes you some money. If Kenny Loggins had been in The Passion of the Christ it would have been spectacular.

Anonymous said...

Allie,
in a few days I am going to undertake a move to another state with a number of pets (6 cats, 2 parrots and 1 little, ridiculously cute dog) and I will be thinking of you.
Thank you for the new post.
Your family are so funny! (and evil) And you are so so funny talking (and drawing) about them! I especially love the progression of your mom losing her straight face.
My neighbors (who already hate me thanks to my charming birds) must think I am deranged due to the raucous guffaws emanating from my apartment.


Kenny Loggins would be so proud.

Merry Christmas, funniest girl in the world!

Voodoo-Eyed Treat Demon said...

My friends and I have long believed that Kenny Loggins is immortal. This just proves it.

Raisabird said...

Allie,
in a few days I am going to undertake a move to another state with a number of pets (6 cats, 2 parrots and 1 little, ridiculously cute dog) and I will be thinking of you.
Thank you for the new post.
Your family are so funny! (and evil) And you are so so funny talking (and drawing) about them! I especially love the progression of your mom losing her straight face.
My neighbors (who already hate me thanks to my charming birds) must think I am deranged due to the raucous guffaws emanating from my apartment.


Kenny Loggins would be so proud.

Merry Christmas, funniest girl in the world!

e said...

My God that was hilarious! Thanks and Merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

I'm a big fan of Jesus, and a big fan of this post :D Christmas to you!

Nina T said...

I think this post demonstrates that hilarity runs in your family. God bless your Mom for cracking a Kenny Loggins joke while reprimanding you.

Moomin Connor said...

This made my otherwise drab day and Merry Christmas.

Clandestine Road said...

Every time you post, I think to myself, "best post ever! Haven't laughed that hard since the last post." Brilliant. Thanks for being a little crazy.

Esther said...

You should absolutely (if at all possible) post at least clips of the video! This is brilliant... and you were so serious. This has entirely made my holiday break. Thank you ;D

Anonymous said...

Oops I meant Merry Christmas...haha

Tasha Chiasson said...

Oh my God Allie this is amazing, Im in tears cause I was laughing so hard. XD

Thanks for making my awful day better. <3

Anonymous said...

Is it me is Kevin Loggins the new Chuck Norris? XD
This was too funny!

Rebecca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Daviet said...

lol, oh I love reading your new posts. ^_^ The faces of your family members and you as your young self were great. <3

Anonymous said...

I LOVE your blog. I always try to read your posts to my boyfriend, and end up laughing/snorting so much that i have to just turn the computer toward him so that he can read them himself. I'm so happy I stumbled onto your page. :) Merry christmas!!

mich said...

Thanks for such an AWESOME post! I Totally get the falling on floor laughing and mom's suppressed but laughing inside. Your wit and drawings capture it perfectly. You rule!

Sincerely Yours said...

I am currently laughing so hard right now that snot is coming out of my nose and tears are pouring down my face. I love your family. Seriously.

jillsmo said...

My 5 year old just forced me to read this to him. Then he forced me to go to YouTube and show him Kenny Loggins videos.

Thanks. No, really.

Healthy and Homemade said...

The drawings are too funny!!

jmo said...

Your parents still have the movie, right?

PLEASE POST THE MOVIE!!!

Sarah said...

I never did like Kenny Loggins.

And still don't.

But now I don't like him 'cause he totally stole your thunder. That jerk.

Linds said...

Best Christmas post EVER. Totally epic. I was laughing so hard, thanks!

Anonymous said...

Fuck Kenny Loggins! I have never laughed so hard while slacking off at work. Thank you. Very. Very. Much!

CNH said...

And you thought you peaked with the god of cake. Oh my god, I've got tears running down my face. Sadly, this is something I would do to my own children....teehee...

ladybb said...

Brilliant!! Laughed so hard...made my day!!

Odie Langley said...

This was really well done. I enjoyed it so much. Thanks.
Odie

Libby said...

Kenny Loggins... what a douche bad.

Violet Dear said...

Thank you - I read this at the same time as watching "One Magic Christmas" and didn't know whether to laugh at this or cry at the movie and so I just kind of did both, in a very festive way.

Merry Merry Christmas!

arthur said...

It is simply impossible for anyone to be this funny. What's striking is that the text is hilarious without the art, and the art is hilarious without the text. Together ...

Brad said...

LMAO! Christmas may never be the same!

;)

Anonymous said...

Kenny Loggins must be related to Chuck Norris in some way. I just know it.

kthxbai

Nora said...

So...you're the one responsible for all the unemployed people in america! lol I absolutely LOVE your views on life! And yes, you need to post more often (you have a fan club after all) And I suppose if you published a book it WOULD pay for you're being able to post DAILY! Don't ya think? Merry Christmas!! And Happy Loggins Day!

Lovers, Saints & Sailors said...

I can't decide which is my favourite line.
But I'm pretty sure it's one with Kenny Loggins in it.

Kristine said...

HAHHAAHA YES LOVE IT!

Jacob W Crosby said...

I just wanted to point out that this made me pee a little...

Merry Christmas!

Mee-ah said...

I just have to wonder what happens when Chuck Norris and Kenny Loggins meet each other in a dark alley.

Shaena said...

You're blog posts are always super duper. I must admit, I often read them numerous times...and laugh out loud every time.

Autumn said...

When I read that last line about you holding a small amount of resentment toward Kenny Loggins, I thought, "OH MY GOD YOU TOO?!"
Remarkable. We have a connection, here.

Tasha Chiasson said...

Allie for all that is good and pure post that video on youtube!!!

Nicole said...

Love it! Love you! I was needing a "Hyperbole" hit. Way to make my day, thanks Allie!

Anonymous said...

Any chance of finding the long-lost video tape of this event?

Jenn Holton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn Holton said...

Oh my God, this is just gold, Allie.

Have you considered doing a book? You'd be more than just Internet Famous when you're published.

Think about it. *nods*

Darkgarden said...

Oh my god....

Are you some long lost relative of mine? You gotta be.

Katie said...

xD Bravo Miss Allie once more you have brought me to tears by your Blogs because I was laughing so hard!

Rebekah Leigh said...

I've been waiting 4 weeks for this. Well worth the wait. :)

Anonymous said...

lol! <3

Claire Culver said...

You know, if they'd told me THIS story as a kid I might still be Christian! DAMN YOU, KENNY LOGGINS!!!

Amy said...

baaaahahahahahaha this is absolutely amazing!

Another Megan said...

i just wikipedia'd kenny loggins. at the end of the bio it says:

"Kenny Loggins is also allegedly immortal. It is said that he can donate his organs up to eighteen times a year."

Is this your doing, or are these actual popular culture kenny loggins jokes?

Pat W said...

You are just great. I laugh to tears every time i read your stuff. If ya ever get rid of the BF let me know. Of course there is the complication of my being married and all but hey just details. LOL. Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

I love you..
This is awesome, your stories ALWAYS make me laugh!
:)
Keep them coming PLEASE!

Karen said...

teh best. totally teh best!

Anonymous said...

I think I laughed so hard I pulled a muscle in my back and my rib cage!!

Ma'ña Bräu said...

wow! that was so funny i had to stop reading several times!

The Smacca said...

I wasn't in the holiday spirit. Now I am. :D

Caz said...

Seriously, this is exactly why I want to have kids. So my in-laws can get hilariously drunk and we can all act out silly plays and laugh our asses of at the expense of my kids. I better have funny kids.

Maddie said...

I had to pee, but then saw this was posted and HAD to read it first.

Love love love the post, but peeing before reading would have been a wise decision.

Gabriela Geselowitz said...

The Wikipedia edits are only increasing like a Stephen Colbert vandalism suggestion. Well done!

Carolyn said...

Fantastic! Thank you for this - made my day. Happy holidays!

RacersMommy said...

omg after being so moody about my dumb xmas tree this was the wonderful laugh I needed!!!! AWESOME!!!!

Ryan Wainio said...

Loggins & Messiah!
Highway to the Manger zone!
:D

Sam said...

Thanks for the hilarious Christmas story! So great to see you back online again. Enjoy your Christmas in Bend!

Erwan said...

So I was reading some older posts -because I'm new here so I obviously have to read all that awesomeness from the start (well I started with the best of and latest, then got back to the beginnings, but I don't think anyone cares about this parenthesis) - and then I saw "festive edition", so I was like "yaaay it means there's a new post!".

And there it was, that new post, begging to be read and make me laugh. Indeed a very good one, bringing some fun in a celebration that I usually find rather dull. (yep, sorry Christmas-fans, the socially awkward penguin that I am dislikes it)

P.S. I'm French and I totally laughed at your post concerning our language, I think it was in one of the "letters" one.

P.P.S. Did I mention the fact this blog is awesome? (and you, obviously, as the creator of awesomeness)

Trisha said...

A friend shared this with me and I laughed so hard my kids just sat and stared with a look of "Oh no mom is at it again". This was great!

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