The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas

The year I learned that Christmas did not, in fact, originate as a celebration of my amazing ability to temporarily transform into a "good" child for a few weeks was the year my grandparents took me to see their church's nativity play.  My dad's parents were heavily involved in their church and felt that, at six years old, it was time that I start appreciating the miracle of Jesus instead of using Christmas as an excuse to whore out my integrity for presents.  Even though my parents weren't religious, they let me go to the play because it was important to my grandparents.

From my grandparents' flowery explanation and frequent use of the word "miracle," I went in expecting to be blown away by the production. Unfortunately, the church moms and the pathetic excuses for actors that they called their offspring failed to bring the characters to life in the way I had hoped.  And the story just seemed to center around everyone being really impressed with Jesus and there wasn't much suspense and not a single battle scene.



I could see that the story had potential, but I was deeply disappointed by the whole experience.


By the time my grandparents dropped me off at home, I had convinced myself that I needed to take matters into my own hands and reinvent the birth of Christ so that it conformed to my expectations. My parents and I lived with my maternal grandmother and my aunt, so I would have more than enough talent to work with - all I had to do was create a compelling story line.

I walked through my front door with purpose and gathered my family members in the living room to tell them about my vision. I was going to rewrite the birth of Jesus Christ and I was going to make it POP.

My mom, always wanting to nurture my creative side, agreed on behalf of everyone that we should go forward with the production. I would be playing the part of Mary and my dad would be Joseph. My aunt and my grandma would play the wise men. My mom would be filming. The dogs were slated to play the animals in the manger, but they kept trying to chew the eyes off of the doll I'd chosen to play Jesus, so their parts were cut and they were relegated to the bedroom for the duration of the production.

Once I had assigned everyone their parts, we set about the task of gathering costumes and props. Joseph was outfitted in a brown bath robe and Mary wore a blue blanket over her head like a cloak. The wise men, who were heavily intoxicated at that point in the evening, decided to dress themselves like gypsies.


I felt that the struggles of my character, Mary, needed to be emphasized. The audience really needed to understand that she was suffering. I constructed my costume accordingly.


By the time I was done reinventing her, Mary carried a cane, walked with an exaggerated limp and was completely covered in BandAids.


She was also blind.

The first scene opened with Mary and Joseph walking across the desert in search of shelter. I took my dad's hand and slowly paraded around the house, making a big show of being horribly disabled.


I was slightly annoyed when my dad broke character to ask my mom if she put the leftovers in the refrigerator, but I tried to work around the interruption and carry on. I couldn't let myself be distracted by the incompetence of others.

I had never been more serious about anything in my little life.  I ad-libbed my lines with the greatest sincerity, pausing after each one to let the weight of my plight sink in.


Every now and then, I would pause my dramatic musings and make my dad knock on a door and ask "Is there room at the inn?" At which point, my mother's disembodied voice would say "I'm sorry. There is no room at the inn." And then I'd make my dad feign complete outrage at the detached voice.

Me: "Now yell at the innkeeper!"

My Dad: "Arrggghhhh!"

Me: "No, Dad! Actually yell words at him!"

My Dad: "You... innkeeper! You dirty innkeeper!"

Me: "Do it better than that."

My Dad: "Oh, I'll... I'll show you, you rascally innkeeper!"

Me: "NO! You aren't saying it mean enough."

My Dad: "How do I say it mean enough?"

Me: "Say 'I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you!'"

My Dad: "I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you."

Me: "Louder."

My Dad: "I'LL RIP OUT YOUR GUTS AND FEED THEM TO A MONSTER AND THEN I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

Working with my family was turning out to be more of a struggle than I had anticipated.  They seemed to be actually looking for opportunities to derail my theatrical masterpiece.

Once we had cycled through knocking on every door in the house in much the same fashion, I went back to the first door and started the process over. At some point in this endless litany of repetitive scenes, my mom interrupted to try to get things moving a little faster.


My mother didn't seem to understand how serious I was about my part.  Fortunately, I got bored with the scene well before I'd gotten around to reenacting it a million times.

It was finally time for Jesus to be born. Due to my incomplete understanding of childbirth, the scene involved Jesus being tossed across the room, as if in flight, and me running over to where he landed and acting really surprised to find him there.


The wise men were in the kitchen making more cocktails while Jesus was being "born" and they missed their cue. My mom ran into the kitchen and yelled "Jesus is here!" to which the wise men responded "Oh! Right! Shit. Hang in there, Jesus! We're coming!! "

They stumbled into the living room, still clutching half-full glasses of vodka which they hadn't had time to pour orange juice into, and yelled, as if the baby Jesus were partially deaf or mentally challenged "HELLO JESUS. WE COME BEARING GIFTS."

Grandma: "Wait, where are the gifts?"

Aunt: "Didn't you bring them? We were supposed to bring gold, frankincense and that other one." 

Grandma: "I thought you were going to bring them."

Aunt: "I was busy keeping my eye on that star and trying not to get us lost. You were on gold, frankincense and whatever duty."

Grandma: "Well, I was brushing the camels."

Aunt: "You aren't supposed to brush camels." 

Grandma: "You don't know that. Have you ever owned a camel?"

Aunt: "Of course. I'm a wise man. I know all there is to know about camels."

Grandma: "Well, then you should know that camels need to be brushed. A lot."

Aunt: (skeptical silence).

Grandma: "Well, I guess we don't have any gifts after all. Sorry Jesus."

I was not happy. I ordered them to go find some gifts for Jesus.

They scavenged around the living room for a few minutes and then returned bearing a pack of cigarettes, the remote control and a Kenny Loggins tape.


Aunt: "We're back! And we have the gifts!"

Grandma: "They are specially imported from distant lands."

The gifts were most definitely not imported from distant lands. I had just seen my aunt and grandmother pick them up off of the floor, seemingly at random.  Their inattention to detail infuriated me. They weren't even trying to make the play seem realistic.  They were sabotaging my monumental production with their lazy, unrealistic props.

Me: "Jesus doesn't want those things."

Grandma: "Sure he does. Jesus loves Kenny Loggins."

Me: "No. He hates him."

My dire seriousness only served to fuel their desire to toy with me.

Aunt: "No, no, no. Jesus was a huge Kenny Loggins fan."

Grandma: "It's true. I saw it in the Bible once."

Me: "Grandma, Kenny Loggins wasn't even alive back then."

Grandma: "Oh yes he was.  Kenny Loggins is immortal."

They both burst into raucous laughter.  They thought they were being awfully clever.  Apparently my mom and dad thought so too, because they joined in.


At that point, they were all laughing too hard to clearly impart any further knowledge of Kenny Loggins.

I looked at them, strewn about the room; contorted with laughter over their own stupid jokes.


They were a disgrace.  They had somehow managed to take my moment in the spotlight and irreversibly derail it until it was entirely about Kenny Loggins. This was supposed to be MY moment, not Kenny Loggins' moment. It was so unfair. They were ruining my life.


I couldn't contain my fury any longer.


An unforeseen plot twist arose when, in a final attempt to jar my family into cooperation, I cast the baby Jesus to the ground and began to repeatedly bludgeon him with my cane.

Even though they weren't religious, the violent blasphemy unfolding before them made my family feel slightly uncomfortable.


My grandmother tried to intervene. 


For a moment, it seemed as though my outburst had succeeded in bringing my family back into a more serious mindset. But after a few moments of tense silence, my aunt quietly squeaked "Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus..."

It was over.  Any hope I had ever had of getting my family members to act out their parts with integrity was shattered.  They laughed and laughed until I thought they were going to asphyxiate on their own wretched spittle.

My mom eventually realized that it was her maternal duty to step in and discipline me when I did things like strike the baby Jesus repeatedly with a blunt object, so she tried to pull herself together and send me to my room. 


I didn't want to spend any more time around these horrible, undignified people anyway, so I stomped away to my room where I could reenact the play with a more cooperative cast.


I still hold a small amount of resentment toward Kenny Loggins.  

1,499 comments:

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Wesley Ryan Grace said...

This was incredibly funny. The pictures and the story together...ah I laughed so hard. Thank you kindly.

manda said...

baby jesus totally looks like the blue badger from the phoenix wright gamges =P even the same shade of blue

emeraldsky33 said...

I laughed until I squeaked, as usual.

CBW said...

I've read this several times and I can't stop crying-laughing each and every time. So funny - so brilliant!

owlybird said...

Never commented here before, but I've read all your stuff and you are hilarious. Keep being awesome. I can never, ever look at your comics without laughing my ass off.

Sasquatch said...

Allie, please be my best friend!

I promise you won't regret it, I'm totally awesome and if properly motivated I can even bake cookies!

Ashley said...

i nominated you for a blog award
check out
divorcedand20.blogspot.com

Emily said...

"They laughed and laughed until I thought they were going to asphyxiate on their own wretched spittle."

I just so happened to have asphyxiated on my own spittle while laughing at the blind, suffering Band Aid covered Mary. Seriously. My husband had to check on me and left because my gagging coughishness was disgusting. So imagine my surprise to find that, mere moments after my recovery, you actually wish this upon your family members! I felt like part of the story!

Melanie Kissell said...

Dysfunctional and Delightful!!

BIG Kenny Loggins fan. He's my hero. :)

Miley said...

I knew Christmas was missing something!!! Where's Rick Moranis?!

Emma said...

I have never laughed harder in my life. I have tears rolling down my face holy shit, how are you that hilarious? I was nearly sobbing my laughter was so frequent.

Rob said...

This was unbelievably funny. I remember being very confused about child birth as well...and in some ways, I still am. I have decided to imagine, from here to the end of my days, that every time a child is born, it's actually being hurled from one place to another. And then an angel suffers from a debilitating disease from sadness.

That's terrible.

My most pressing issue right now is that I can't keep myself from wanting to substitute "Kenny Loggins" in place of daily nouns.

I think I'm to go to the Kenny Loggins and get some Kenny Loggins for New Kenny Loggin's Eve. Have a wonderful Kenny Loggins!

Dr. Sheppy said...

I was just made aware of your blog on Christmas day and it was by far the best present I received that day. Since then I have been reading your previous posts whenever I get a chance. Thanks for keeping me up late at night! You are so much fun!

Anonymous said...

The looks on the figures are the best. I swear the mad look is hysterical when being told to go to your room lol I really enjoyed this thanks for the laugh.

A Little Girl said...

What a fantastic Christmas story! Ironic humor is greater than slapstick humor any day.

KennyLoggins said...

Loved it.

Haruhi said...

*obligatory "first time commenter, long time fan" remark*

Kenny Loggins stole my ramen...I'm glad I'm not the only one who has suffered from the effects of that man.

Hilarious post as usual, Allie. Happy new year!

Roonee said...

You make me smile today....thank you so much.

Allison (not Allie) said...

A friend at work sent me a link to your blog when I was depressed and living in Alaska.

Spaghatta Nadle became my cubicle decor, clean ALL the things? became my mantra, and you made me cry laughing on the job.

I am going to make a dessert that looks like you as a blog post.

P.S. Kenny Loggins can cook a mean turkey. hahahahahah

Anonymous said...

First, this story is fantastic. Unfortunately, I spotted some of your drawings on another blog, totally uncredited. And their story sucked! http://blackpaintbrush.org/the-baby-jesus-story-with-moar-suspense

Anonymous said...

Ok, I've been wanting to comment for a long time, but YOU ARE THE MOST FREAKING INCREDIBLE AWESOME AMAZING FANTASTIC HILARIOUS PERSON OF ALL TIME!!!!!! And just know this, if you ever run for president, you've got my vote!!!

Law Momma said...

Oh that Kenny Loggins. He's everywhere... just ruining things. And being all... Kenny Loggins.

This was amazing.

Linda Myers said...

The dishwasher is running, the family is elsewhere in the house, and I am sitting alone at my computer, laughing myself silly. Thanks!

Heather said...

oh god. i have nothing important to say other than that i love your blog. so much. it makes my sarcastic heart smile :)

mchester24 said...

new year EST

Anonymous said...

lol, every present from my mom says from moun or moum now, thanks to you.It will haunt me for every christmas holiday and i thank you for that. Keep 'em coming!

Angel said...

That may very well be the funniest thing I have ever read! Allie you seriously made my day :)

~Angel

bethanyd said...

"No. A MILLION."

The seriousness of the little robed figure uttering those words was probably the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed.

Lucy said...

Awesome. Your blog should be prescribed by doctors as a cure for all manner of blues and sad times!

Butterfly said...

HILARIOUS!!! Just pure funny. : )

Butterfly said...

HILARIOUS!!! Just pure funny. : )

Butterfly said...

HILARIOUS!!! Just pure funny. : )

KidConservative said...

Kenny LOGGINS isn't creepy or totally capable of finding me. :)

artdeanne said...

I am amazed at the way you can cram so much expression into such simple drawings. I love your work!
Thanks for the laughter.

Reiven said...

I laughed so hard that I cried! you are so funny! Thanks for sharing. :-)

Amy said...

Laughed so hard I was sobbing and had to take a break. THANK YOU!

Randomist said...

You are the most brilliant person ever. I actually cried with laughter.

Misaswonderland said...

lol that was great could not stop laughing
thanks t-rex

Charlie and Kathryn said...

Hahaha so bloody funny! i love your drawings

Anonymous said...

Aahaahaha, this is amazing.
The part where you mum tries to keep a straight face and send you to your room as got to be the most epic thing ever.
I don't even want to know what my housemate just thought, I was laughing so hard.

Barry said...

Just about the funniest thing I've ever read. I'm in TEARS right now!! Hilarious!!!!!

Lojo said...

I fear I am your aunt's and/or your gramdma's lost love child .... or something. They speak to me.

penonkey3 said...

I may or may not have just spent the majority of the last 2 or 3 days reading all of your blog entries.

Now I have nothing to do but work off the Christmas fat I gained over school break while dancing to the Black Eyed Peas.

Please write soon. :c

Anonymous Pete said...

Dear Miss Allie,

I don't know how long it took you to draw this comic, but I'm sure it took me three times as long to read it due to the laughing and coughing fits. Ohh, also... I now have a headache. So there is that... Thanks.

While reading this comic my sis and I tried to involuntarily reenact the scene of your family rolling on the floor laughing about Kenny Loggins. We succeeded spectacularly, I nearly died.

Please keep writing and posting as I'm trying to commit suicide by laughter.

Micah said...

I just love reading your blog and this new post was totally worth the wait. Thank you so much for continuously making me laugh out loud.

Beauswifey said...

That was great....I laughed until I cried. :0)

w00t!!! said...

MORE POSTS!!! :D

Jake said...

I seriously died laughing while reading this. Good job in writing, my friend. Good job

Akansha Pradhan said...

total big fan.. havent commented earlier.. but wow this was crazzzy funny. loved it! rock on allie.

Jeosilver said...

Dear Allie,
I stumbled across your blog via a friend's Facebook account. I must say you're quite possibly my favorite person alive right now. I haven't gotten around to reading every single post, but I've read up to like April of 2010, and I have enjoyed every post you ever made ever in the History of ever. Some posts I've felt totally connected too and thought that would be me! Other posts I've just laughed at because it amused me. The point is I absolutely love your work, and wish to thank you for making me laugh as much as you have. I'd also like you to know that I'm spreading you like the plague to all of my friends. You're that awesome. Thank you.
-Jeo

Brad Fallon said...

Yay! Cute post!

Brad Fallon said...

Yay! Cute post!

Hot Biker said...

CooL

Mythic Demon said...

I am rather happy to read this, even if it took me almost two weeks to do so!!
I found Hyperbole and A Half last year by reading through some old posts in the World Wide Web section of Saphira Forums. I randomly followed it, and started reading. The first story made me wet my pants laughing. The second had me permanently addicted.
Well, now I am a blogger member and own my own blogs as well as forums, but I am not going to stop reading! HAAH makes me crack up without exceptions. I will be reading it for a long time yet. ;D

*mimes transformers* Kenny Loggins, Chuck Norris is disguise!

Anonymous said...

I wanna SEE THAT TAPE! Where is it?

Thumbs up, if you're my opinion. Wait... There are no thumbs here.

Amber said...

Freakin' hilarious!

Casey said...

I read all of your posts in less than a week...ish. Yea me! And you. Double win!! Keep it up!

Jay said...

WAAAAY too TL:DR.

Mo said...

Best. Family. Ever.

Anonymous said...

This is your best post yet

ProudUSARECWife said...

This is hilarious! And the added drawings make it even better! Definitely following your blog. Can't wait to see what you post about next

Anonymous said...

what? wh- why did you un-christmas it? I wanted it to last forever.. why... WHYYYYY?! :CCC
*over-exaggerated depression*

Anonymous said...

This story is my Christmas miracle. You're like the happy Lynda Barry.

What would happen if you picked up a pen or paintbrush? Don't say double rainbows.

Sandra said...

I've not laughed so hard like this in years. Still have tears coming... still laughing. Oh Thank you for this post. I want to post this on my blog.

Angela Wu said...

Nice blog! I found that one website offing free puzzle games. Just sign up to be the member then you will receive one free plastic game. I've done and now i am enjoying it. Would you like one? The URL is as below : http://www.684899.com/en/CosmicCreature/project_1.htm

Daniel said...

OMG,
I found this blog a week or two ago and spent the whole NYE weekend reading it.
(No, I am not a lame-o homebody - was stuck at work :-)
You kick ass!

Anonymous said...

I really like the squiggly letters when your mom says KEEENNNYYY LOGGINNNSSS... it really conveys her trying not to laugh, so I hope that's what you were going for.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so, I admit it...you're funny. Last person that made me laugh this hard was Gilda Radner....or Kristen Wiig.

If you haven't already, try writing for the SNL's of the world.

Miss S. said...

You never cease to amaze me. Gold!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for another wonderful post, Allie. Now I have to go find out who Kenny Loggins is. I HAVE heard of Chuck Norris... he's the guy with the single solution to every problem - a roundhouse kick to somebody's head... isn't he?

Em said...

So THAT'S how Santa came to be...

Kenny Loggins said...

I forgive you non-believer.

I am perfectly allright. Nobody needs to worry about me. I don't know why everybody gives me advice. People like you should just let me be.

Motherfucker.

Hannah said...

Loooooooooooooooved it. Linked on my blog... Hope thats ok!!!!

Nancie Mills Pipgras said...

A treasure. A complete and utter treasure!

Ikumi said...

I wasn't really expecting a post, but I was very pleased to find one :D Although I have no idea who this "Kenny Loggins" is, I will share your hatred for him. I'm sure that play would have rocked the world xD

Chris said...

Pure awesomeness.

Thanks.

M said...

Every time I come to this blog, I leave with tears of laughter. Keep it going!

Jexral said...

Brilliant, as always. I love the Wikipedia edits, too.

Eagerly awaiting more from you. Thanks for being awesome.

Phil Girt said...

Very much enjoyed it. My two sons used to engage in very similar behaviour - hitting objects with other objects that is. I cannot say I condone such behaviour, and agree with your mother's strict line on it. One cannot tell whether the target of such aggression may one day progress from inanimate objects to animate ones, a dangerous progression indeed.

Regards

Phil Girt

College Babes said...

It's pretty hard to read this blog when you're trying not to laugh. Like... having a quiet contest. Or babysitting a very easily disturbed sleeping baby. Or in school.

Anonymous said...

I love the how the wise men came "bearing" a box of cigarettes, the remote control and a Kenny Loggins tape. Favorite part. "They definitely were NOT imported from distant lands."

faithish said...

Priceless drawings, as always. I love Allie-as-Mary's angry face with the upside-down "u" for a mouth. I only wish the posts were more frequent.

Can we have more Spaghata Nadle? Please? My cousin and I text each other bits of his lines on random occasions to incite each other into hysterical giggles, and we are running out of material.

ontd_fluffy said...

Okay. I got linked to one of these posts on Twitter when about 20 people were wheezing about it, and then I showed it to my friend at 6 AM when we couldn't sleep so we wheezed over The Party and THE GOD OF CAKE for an hour instead and then we got kicked out of the house because by then everyone was sober and couldn't take the wheezing anymore, and then I saw it all over my Facebook the next day including one girl from high school who had switched her profile picture to the sketch of you covered in fish blood as a young child.

You've taken over my life, Allie. You've taken over my life and now I can't remember what punctuation is.

I for one blame Kenny Loggins.

Sandra said...

I choked on my soda when I got to the, "she was also blind." part! haha.

Thanks for being you! :)

Neri S said...

My favorite part was your expressions when you're trying to pause for dramatic effect after each line. Your big, serious eyes are hilarious!

This reminds me of a children's story I read years ago, about a girl who was *too* creative (according to her teachers and classmates) with her roles in the yearly Nativity play. For instance, as one of the shepherds, she pretended to be terrified when she first saw the angel, because she thought that was the most natural reaction.

skinnyshae said...

I laughed and laughed until I thought I was going to asphyxiate on my own wretched spittle.

... said...

Your blog was the best thing I discovered today. You should totally get published.

Kat said...

I discovered you a few days ago and have read everything!!!I think I'm already getting withdrawals from not being able to read another blog :S

P.s. I LOVE U!!!! hehehe not creepy at all....

Andrew said...

After every post of yours I read, I find myself thinking like you for the next week.

Debbie said...

Seems Kenny Loggins as a lot in common with Tim Tebow...

ChinaPearson said...

I've had a similar experience to the jesus bashing, during Easter when instead of walking up a huge hill to roll my Easter eggs down I proceeded to smash the chocolate eggs with my abnormally large head. My grandmother who is deeply religious was trying to tell me that the Easter eggs signified the boulder being rolled away from jesus's grave, I then told her I didn't believe in magic and smashed another chocolate egg with my face, which in turn horrified my grandma. Resulting in me having to "go and play" with some building blocks. Deprived of my chocolatey goodness I then began smashing the plastic building blocks into my head to get attention. This may have resulted in me probably being a bit slow at times. Thinking about it I may post this on my blog it makes me smile like a raptor

ChinaPearson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WebSavvyMom said...

-->I just had to wipe the tears from my eyes for laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing.

Geraldine said...

Oh my god I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. KENNY LOGGINS ;U;

Andrew said...

HIGHWAY TO THE MANGER ZONE

Laurin said...

I laughed so hard I cried.

Ash said...

This is the most amazing thing I have ever read.

nutty said...

Hi Allie!
long time reader, first time commenter. your blog is AWESOMER THAN AWESOME and you're totally inspiring. thanks for all the amusing stories and like everyone else i'm looking forward to your next post. :)


cheers,
nutty

Anonymous said...

You are awesome for creating this! Reading it is going to be one of my new Christmas traditions...preferably while listening to Kenny Loggins Christmas music.

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