The God of Cake

My mom baked the most fantastic cake for my grandfather's 73rd birthday party. The cake was slathered in impossibly thick frosting and topped with an assortment of delightful creatures which my mom crafted out of mini-marshmallows and toothpicks.  To a four-year-old child, it was a thing of wonder - half toy, half cake and all glorious possibility.


But my mom knew that it was extremely important to keep the cake away from me because she knew that if I was allowed even a tiny amount of sugar, not only would I become intensely hyperactive, but the entire scope of my existence would funnel down to the singular goal of obtaining and ingesting more sugar.  My need for sugar would become so massive, that it would collapse in upon itself and create a vacuum into which even more sugar would be drawn until all the world had been stripped of sweetness.  


So when I managed to climb onto the counter and grab a handful of cake while my mom's back was turned, an irreversible chain reaction was set into motion.   


I had tasted cake and there was no going back.  My tiny body had morphed into a writhing mass of pure tenacity encased in a layer of desperation.  I would eat all of the cake or I would evaporate from the sheer power of my desire to eat it. 

My mom had prepared the cake early in the day to get the task out of the way.  She thought she was being efficient, but really she had only ensured that she would be forced to spend the whole day protecting the cake from my all-encompassing need to eat it.  I followed her around doggedly, hoping that she would set the cake down - just for a moment.  

 

My mom quickly tired of having to hold the cake out of my reach. She tried to hide the cake, but I found it almost immediately. She tried putting the cake on top of the refrigerator, but my freakish climbing abilities soon proved it to be an unsatisfactory solution.


Her next attempt at cake security involved putting the cake in the refrigerator and then placing a very heavy box in front of the refrigerator's door.  


The box was far too heavy for me to move.  When I discovered that I couldn't move the box, I decided that the next best strategy would be to dramatically throw my body against it until my mom was forced to move it or allow me to destroy myself.  


Surprisingly, this tactic did not garner much sympathy. 


I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it.  


I had to stay focused. 

I played vengefully for the rest of the afternoon. All of my toys died horrible deaths at least once. But I never lost sight of my goal.

My mom finally came to get me. She handed me a dress and told me to put it on because we were leaving for the party soon. I put the dress on backwards just to make her life slightly more difficult.

I was herded into the car and strapped securely into my car seat.  As if to taunt me, my mom placed the cake in the passenger seat, just out of my reach.  


We arrived at my grandparents' house and I was immediately accosted by my doting grandmother while my mom walked away holding the cake.  


I could see my mom and the cake disappearing into the hallway as I watched helplessly.  I struggled against my grandmother's loving embrace, but my efforts were futile.  I heard the sound of a door shutting and then a lock sliding into place.  My mom had locked the cake in the back bedroom.  How was I going to get to it now?  I hadn't yet learned the art of lock-picking and I wasn't nearly strong enough to kick the door in.  It felt as though all my life's aspirations were slipping away from me in a landslide of tragedy.  How could they do this to me?  How could they just sit there placidly as my reason for living slowly faded from my grasp?  I couldn't take it.  My little mind began to crumble.  

And then, right there in my grandmother's arms, I lapsed into a full-scale psychological meltdown. My collective frustrations burst forth from my tiny body like bees from a nest that had just been pelted with a rock.  


It was unanimously decided that I would need to go play outside until I was able to regain my composure and stop yelling and punching.  I was banished to the patio where I stood peering dolefully through the sliding glass door, trying to look as pitiful as possible.


I knew the cake was locked securely in the bedroom, but if I could just get them to let me inside... maybe.  Maybe I could find a way to get to it.  After all, desperation breeds ingenuity.  I could possibly build an explosive device or some sort of pulley system.  I had to try.  But at that point, my only real option was to manipulate their emotions so they'd pity me and willfully allow me to get closer to the cake. 

When my theatrics failed to produce the desired results, I resorted to crying very loudly, right up against the glass.  


I carried on in that fashion until my mom poked her head outside and, instead of taking pity on me and warmly inviting me back inside as I had hoped, told me to go play in the side yard because I was fogging up the glass and my inconsolable sobbing was upsetting my grandmother.  

I trudged around to the side of the house, glaring reproachfully over my shoulder and thinking about how sorry my mom would be if I were to die out there.  She'd wish she would have listened. She'd wish she had given me a piece of cake.  But it would be too late.  


But as I rounded the corner, the personal tragedy I was constructing in my imagination was interrupted by a sliver of hope.  


Just above my head, there was a window.  On the other side of that particular window was the room in which my mom  had locked the cake.  The window was open.


The window was covered by a screen, but my dad had shown me how to remove a screen as a preemptive safety measure in case I was  trapped in a fire and he couldn't get to me and I turned out to be too stupid to figure out how to kick in a screen to escape death by burning. 

I clambered up the side of the house and pushed the screen with all my strength.   


It gave way, and suddenly there I was - mere feet from the cake, unimpeded by even a single obstacle.


I couldn't fully believe what had just occurred.  I crept slowly - reverently - toward the cake, my body quivering with anticipation.  It was mine.  All mine.


I ate the entire cake.  At one point, I remember becoming aware of the oppressive fullness building inside of me, but I kept eating out of a combination of spite and stubbornness.  No one could tell me not to eat an entire cake - not my mom, not Santa, not God - no one.  I would eat cake whenever I damn well pleased.  It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves. 

..

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, my mother suddenly noticed that she hadn't heard my tortured sobbing in a while.  


She became concerned because it was unusual for my tantrums to stop on their own like that, so she went looking for me.

When she couldn't find me anywhere, she finally thought to unlock the bedroom door and peek inside. 


And there I was.


I spent the rest of the evening in a hyperglycemic fit, alternately running around like a maniac and regurgitating the multi-colored remains of my conquest all over my grandparents' carpet.  I was so miserable, but my suffering was small compared to the satisfaction I felt every time my horrible, conniving mother had to watch me retch up another rainbow of sweet, semi-digested success: this is for you, mom.  This is what happens when you try to get between me and cake - I silently challenged her to try again to prevent me from obtaining something I wanted.  Just once.  Just to see what would happen.  It didn't matter how violently ill I felt, in that moment, I was a god - the god of cake - and I was unstoppable. 

1,145 comments:

1 – 200 of 1145   Newer›   Newest»
Kristin said...

Hilarious!

Okay, I didn't actually read it yet. I just wanted to be the first to comment. But I'm sure it was hilarious, and I will actually read it now.

Ian Mac said...

Woohoo New post!!!!

zchamu said...

What did your grandfather say?

Evan said...

Kristin,

I had the exact same intention, but you beat me to it. Damn. I am also sure it was hilarious, however.

Maaaaaar said...

YAY A NEW POST. Its my birthday and I went on earlier hoping you had made a new post and now you have about birthday cake! :D I like to think that fate did this for me...

Simple Dude said...

Unfortunately my lady friend can attest that I still act much the same way around cake.

We had some free cake promised to us at work the other afternoon and it was all I could think about for hours leading up to it.

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

Catherine said...

Ahahahaha. HILARIOUS!

Those last pictures...heehee...that's how I look after going out to eat at Chili's. I always try not to, but I just can't resist that Molten Chocolate cake! And there's NO WAY I'm leaving ANY of that on the plate!

Anna said...

.. Why do I identify with this story so much?

ILY, Ally.

Anna said...

.. Why do I identify with this story so much?

ILY, Ally.

Mandie said...

I am so, so in love with you. Oh God I laughed. I wasn't sure, at first, until I realized YOU WERE GONNA GET THE CAKE. Then it was epic.

Also thank you for not depicting the rainbow you graced the carpet with.

Kate said...

Man, I'm kind of glad I never liked cake. I think I had a muffin-stealing phase.

God, I'm lame!

http://arguingwithadoughnut.blogspot.com/

Wraylee said...

I read it, it was frickin HYSTERICAL as always! Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!

Amy said...

Not only is this outrageously funny (who expected otherwise?) but this is actually relatively similar to something one of my brothers did. I shall have to share this with my Mom.

bouncingJ said...

First the parp and then cake. Your poor family. :)

neko_chan said...

XD The look on your face in the last picture is AMAZING. OMG I need to breathe.

*uncorked said...

Damn your post. I would kick a kitten in the face for a piece of cake right now. Thanks. Jerk.

carolynpkao said...

allie, you are my hero forever and ever. you also totally remind me of my crazy 3 month old puppy. NO. GO PLAY WITH YOUR TOYS.

I LOVE YOUR POSTS!! ALL OF THEM!

Cake said...

CAKE

Amy said...

Oh God, that was hilarious. Bravo as always, Allie, Bravo.

May cake find your mouth well in future to prevent aforementioned sweetness vacuum.

=DR said...

Too, too awesome.

Dani said...

AMAZING! Loved this one! Your drawings are priceless (as always). :)

Anonymous said...

nomnomnomnomnom

Claire said...

Haha ! I was waiting so long for your new post... i can't believe i made it this far ! this article is brilliant !

GirlOverboard said...

Between this and the Double Rainbow Cupcake recipe I was reading earlier today, I now REALLY want cake. I sympathize with young Allie right now.

remy said...

Oh my god - the one with the rainbow background. Hysterical.

Anonymous said...

Amazing! Every post just keeps getting better and better. Thanks for the update, Allie!

The Angry Swan said...

Love the pupil dilation.

I am The Karen said...

BWAHAHA!! You are hilarious. Thank you for being hilarious. <3

cat song said...

omg. you are hilarious.

Marjorie said...

Your poor mother!
Did you get a cake of your own on your next birthday?

Mika aka Xeyli said...

And is this why you don't like cake anymore?

Ellie said...

Your party dress is... So the same as your usual dress ( but stretchier,I suppose)

Annah said...

I still feel the same way about cake and I'm a grown up. So honestly? That just makes me a sick individual.

CAKE!

Well cupcakes, really. But you get the point.

David said...

Allie, you were a much smarter child than I ever was. I never would've gotten that cake.

Also, you're probably the most amazing person I've ever come across. You've conquered my internet.

Anonymous said...

Once, when he was young, my dad ate a whole bowl of cashews. My grandma told him not do to it & tried to put them where he couldn't get them. But dad kept at it til he got them and consumed the whole bowl.

By all reports, the barfing that followed was pretty amazing.

I think the lesson here is to never underestimate the ability of a determined child to vomit on everything in sight.

Mona said...

This is amazing. I love you!

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

I need cake now.

Also? When are the people in charge going to give you a book deal? I think you should make that your next conquest. I need to go to the store and buy your book someday.

Delen said...

Yay! You are back. Good story. 3 thumbs up.

Carol said...

This is fantastic! The last picture literally made me LOL, which is always the best possible reaction.

Bill! said...

You "OMG I COMMENTED FIRST!" people make me sick, pretending that this is hilarious without even reading it.

But for the record, having just read it, I can say that it is indeed hilarious. I love it. And cake.

Anonymous said...

Yay! Great work again! I love you!

sari said...

My eight year old is JUST LIKE THIS. He loved the pictures. I read him the "edited" story.

I'm afraid now he has some new ideas!

The Candyman said...

...I've been waiting SO long for a new post, and it was totally worth it. The innocent expressions are making me smile my way through my business stats class! :)

NT said...

Sheer magnificence!

(But I think you might want "clambered" instead of "clamored." Although I'm guessing the screen falling in probably did make a racket.)

megan. said...

So, so amazing.

Agnes Nutter said...

oh god i feel so bad for your mom....this poor woman.

SA5MI said...

Best. Thing. Ever. I'm dying over here.
You should write a book about your childhood, or just your life in general.

anelson said...

This really was great. I personally don't like icing or marshmellows, but very funny nonetheless :)

anelson said...

This really was great. I personally don't like icing or marshmellows, but very funny nonetheless :)

SA5MI said...

Best. Thing. Ever. I'm dying over here.
You should write a book about your childhood, or just your life in general.

Sar said...

So we're adding 'uber cake ninja' to your resume of awesomeness now, are we? Excellent. I shall have the paperwork drawn up and faxed to you immediately.

... now I want cake. With a marshmallow giraffe. Curse you, Allie. Curse you.

Nkouraged said...

Seems to me like you could have totally reversed the orbit of Planet Earth, traveled back in time, and saved Lois Lane...


Now I'm thinking of a rainbow-colored Supertot.

Jess said...

You've pretty much captured my entire childhood in a single essay. I spent large portions of it in an endless quest for anything sweet. Things have not improved now that I have the ability to actually go out and get sweet things for myself. This is why gallons of ice cream never last more than two days in my house.

I always claim the cat ate it.

imthe-shit said...

Oh my god that was amazing. Your poor mother...

TB said...

OMG. Your poor mother! And your poor grandparents!

Did she not tell you that if you could just wait a little bit, you would eventually get a piece of cake, legitimately? Did you think that they would eat it all before you could get any more?

Also, I now have an uncontrollable urge to make animals out of multi-colored mini marshmallows.

linkcorreon said...

Sometimes I wish I my adult life I had that clarity of purpose. As a kid, it's so easy to obsessively want something and damn the consequences. I want to be the god of cake!

Also, mom should know that if you're not going to hide the cake well then you are going to have a separate cake for children who do not handle rejection well.

Cake cake cake cake cake cake parp parp parp parp parp parp...

Delano said...

You were such a little monster when you were a kid! Its hilarious and infuriating at the same time!

Anonymous said...

I fucken died hahahahahahahaha

Amy said...

um...are you channeling my childhood? that would so be something i would do...especially my mom throwing me outside while I cried at the door pathetically and my mom coming back with no sympathy and telling me to move away from the door...and the killing of my toys.

and of course, me gluttonously gouging on that cake...full handfuls! take that mom!

Elisa @ What the Vita said...

My only wish for my kids is for them to be NOT like you! Your mom must be a saint :)

Loved this, especially the writing. This is a book in the making.

Melissa said...

This reminds me of my third month of pregnancy with my first child. I ate a whole cake. No one could stop me. My husband came home after work and asked where the cake was. I proudly told him I ate it..and guess what if you make fun of me or scold me...I will do it again!

Krysta said...

This is amazing. Cake is awesome. I want to eat a lot of cake!

One Crazy Penguin said...

Another priceless post! Too funny!

C David said...

I am officially and creepily in love with you.

ipickthewinners said...

Love it! .... Now I want cake.


http://datingthedouches.blogspot.com

Ginger_wookey said...

Oh this is just awesomely awesome!

What I really really love is your expression when you're trying to reach the cake in your mum's arms - my toddler has the exact same look on his face when he wants certain food!

You are way too cool, and I want to be your friend. You can come round if you visit the UK and I will make you special cake just to see the "cake" face...

Rachel. said...

Hahaha! This is great. Well, not great for past you at all, but excellent for us all to read. What was the aftermath to this? Were you banned from cake?

I was on a sugar rush once and wrote ALL over the walls. I was banned from felt tip pens for many, many years.

JP said...

That was worth the wait. Good job!

(Now don't ever leave me again.)

Paycho said...

I cannot believe you stuck with it that long. After all that, maybe, in some way... you deserved the cake.

Jessica said...

So for as awesome of an adult that you are, you sounded like an awful, awful child.

Bully and Nelson said...

mmmmmmmmmmmmm, we like cake too...... hilarious post as usual!
-Bully and Nelson

Lana said...

Oh sweet baby Jesus this is still me even in college. When I get a taste of something I like, I have to eat more of it.

Except now this impetus has spread from cake to things like pizza... salami... booze...

Brent said...

Awesome - I loved that one!

BookishBelle said...

You know what? This is me. Only I'm you and your blog is cake.

Although, really cake is cake, too. For me, that is.

Any questions?

LeaKarts said...

Damnit! Now I want cake! Caaaaake...

Tish said...

lol the illustrations are seriously magically deliciouso. sigh...my stomach hurts from laughing.

Feelings for Breakfast said...

Loved this one! The cake illustrations are really great, and now I want some cake. If I was your mother (and this is why I should be sedated and given an abortion should I ever become pregnant) I would have shoved some candles in your ass and made everyone sing happy birthday as hot wax dripped onto your tender little cheeks. You wanna eat the whole cake, you little shit, you BECOME the cake.

But I'm sure you had a much more loving and patient mother, and you appear to have turned into a relatively normal adult, so perhaps the candles in the ass would have been the wrong approach.

Mysti said...

My mother now reads your blog because of me and I'm sure she'll have a similar (amazingly embarrassing) story to share soon enough.

Laura the queen of the world said...

Gosh Darnit allie, now i want some goddamn cake.

but great post anyways.

ps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR SLAP-HAPPY GRAN-PAPPY

Shannon said...

I'd love to hear your mom's reaction to these pieces (now that she has some distance from the trauma.

Thanks again for this, and like many others, I want the book. So write and sell the book.

Marie said...

I'm curious to know if there is a link between this event and your current preference of pie over cake. A cause-and-effect relationship, perhaps?

When my dad was a kid, he loved honey so much that he ate an entire bowl of it, and consequently didn't taste it again for about 30 years after that.

Nicole said...

You mean this isn't normal behavior when cake is involved? I'm having these same feelings of "must.consume.all.now." for the candy my mom brought back from Germany that's in my freezer...at least, what I didn't eat in a sugar-induced frenzy this weekend.

Anonymous said...

I still have that reaction whenever there is cake around.

I do not know if it is the cake itself or the high of chasing the cake that makes me do it...

XD

Paige said...

OH MY GOD I KNEW IT! I knew that my four year old did things like put on her clothes backwards JUST TO ANNOY ME. People told me, "oh please, she's only four, it's not like she's a diabolical genius, quite the contrary judging by the fact that her dress is on backward." But I knew it. And now I have proof.

It's a little scary that I identify so much with your mother right now. But in a good way. Because you're awesome and if she grows up to be as awesome as you I will be a very happy old lady.

Christine said...

I shouldn't have read this while I'm stuck at work when the 4pm sugar cravings kick in...damn it.

alexsedotcx said...

This was hilarious, and the two pictures at the end absolutely made it.

Kim said...

A friend of mine introduced me to your blog last month and all I can say is within a day I had spent my entire time reading your entire archive because I was hooked.

And now it's my first time commenting and I have to say OMG Allie you never fail to leave me in hysterics!

Thank you so much!

Also how in the world did you make your brilliant pictures blurry?

Twice Five Miles said...

The picture of the vengeful playing just made my day.

ClaireHuxtable said...

So worth the wait! I was so set not to find this post funny (your punishment for so long between posts), but you got me. haha Truly hilarious!

Teri said...

Cake? Pfft...when I was little, I wasn't all about getting cake. I was all about CAKE BATTER!!!!! No matter how hard you try, it's not easy to stop someone from stealing fingersfull of batter when you are getting ingredients and stirring. Muhahahaa!

To this day I still eat the batter of everything. Cookie dough, cake batter, tortilla dough, buiscuit dough, cornbread batter, pancake batter....but now I do all the baking in my own house and my kids shun batter. I'm not sure they are my kids thinking about it that way...I'm the only one who eats it. But I'll tell you one thing...if the batter tastes good, then the final product will too!

Becky said...

Oh my God. YOU ATE THE TOOTHPICKS TOO?

Dani said...

Ally, you have no idea how happy this has made me. I've been having a crappy past couple of days, and now I get to bask in your wonderfully hilarious aura! You always outdo yourself. :D

Henrir said...

In the "Cake is the only thing that matters" picture, you look like a hydralisk from starcraft.

http://homepage.mac.com/cheethorne/Starcraft/hydralisk.htm

They are known for their ferocity and their ability to shoot spines that it can shoot form its upper carapace. Are you capable of shooting spines as well?

Krissy said...

OMFG I APPRECIATE THIS BECAUSE I LOVE CAKE TOO. you are my hero forever.

Zia Madeira said...

And today I got a follow up on a Cake Decorating job I applied for yesterday. Good to know the world and you have your priorities straight. :)

Unsinkable Kristen said...

Oh, so so so funny. Reminds me of my daughter at a wedding we went to when she was 3. She ran laps around the reception hall and every time she passed the wedding cake she would swipe a handful of it and eat it. We tried to stop her, but she was too fast. :)

Anonymous said...

That was great! I absolutely loved it and I can relate to the unnerving need to eat sweets.

Autumn said...

can't. breath. so. funny.

Not much of a Harlot said...

In science someone thought it was a good idea to give me a sharpie, the table is now nearly full of quotes from you. The remainder of space is going to this post. You really do make me a happy Viking :D

Betsy said...

I love your little fat self on the floor. Well done. The art work is wonderful and just gets me! I have blonde hair and seeing these posts reminds me of me when I was small. I did similar crazy shit.

Betsy said...

I love your little fat self on the floor. Well done. The art work is wonderful and just gets me! I have blonde hair and seeing these posts reminds me of me when I was small. I did similar crazy shit.

Anonymous said...

The cake is a lie!

Kris said...

I cannot stop laughing, that was hilarious. And definitely how I (still) feel about sugar sometimes. I'm going to have to share this with a lot of people.

Kim said...

Fantastic, as usual.

Your face when the cake was first denied is priceless. I think I might still make that face when I don't get my way . . .

Amanda Storey said...

Never in my life have I laughed so much reading about the antics of a hyperactive child. You are amazing.


" It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves."


I about died. Keep the good work...FOREVER. :)

Anonymous said...

This is fantastic! And oddly familiar, I have been one to finish an ENTIRE cake out of spite! Power to sugar highs and no being able to tell you cant eat an entire cake!
FYI. I have never loved anything as much as I love your blog!

EP said...

I just made a cake today for my fella's birthday! It is sitting all coy and seductive in my fridge at this VERY MOMENT and it is all I can do not to eat the entire thing before he gets home. This post made it infinitely more challenging.

emmysuh said...

So...at what point DID you learn how to pick locks? Story time?

heatherbat said...

oh. my. GOD. i was laughing so hard i was both crying AND drooling. this might be my favourite post of yours yet.

beneathwinter said...

the caek is a lie

Kelly Powers said...

For me it's SUGARY CEREAL that causes this behavior, even at my present age... and I'm old, I tell ya.

Michael W. Hamilton said...

"It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves."

I'm laughing so hard my sides hurt. My day is made every time you publish a new post. Loves.

Jess said...

So first: bwhahaha!

Ok, now that that's out of my system: this totally happened to me on a yearly basis growing up. Every year at Christmas my aunts would have to lock all the desserts into the screened in porch to thwart my cousin's and my efforts to liberate them. We never fully succeeded, partially I think because my one aunt always threatened us with a cheese slicer. There was one valient effort tho involving a catapult made from a snowbank and a shovel- I think our goal was to go in from the roof? I was 9. There's still a dent in the door post.

Oh, and I used to work (till last week) at a magazine in Doha, Qatar, and I plugged your blog in my last issue! When it goes online at the end of the month I can send you the link if you like :)

Jen Whit said...

I'm rather new to your site and have been going through a dull/depressing patch lately. Luckily, I have all your old posts to catch up on and to keep me entertained when my minds on the mend! I was overjoyed to read your new post today! Thanks for coming into my life right when I needed a pick me up :)

Trucking Tumbleweed said...

Yay for cake! (and your mom, I'm surprised you didn't end up in military school!)
You are in the top 10 of ALL funny humans!!

girlalive said...

The picture of you playing with your toys is my favorite. Awesome.

Amy said...

Yep. Miscalculated and my mom figured out that I was eating a good portion of the writing frosting tube every time there was a birthday. She was horrified. I had a multicolored tongue and a gloriously nauseous stomach....

Sibyl Bucheli said...

Your poor mother! (I am a mom of a willful beast of a toddler and now, for the most part, must side with moms or my paradigm of motherhood will come crashing down around me.)

MG said...

Hilarious! Long time reader but first time commenter because I just wanted to ask : if faced with a similar taunting-cake situation today, would you react exactly the same? Because all I can say is that for the right cake, I too would run headlong into a heavy box...repeatedly.


www.dontlosefaithinrobots.blogspot.com

Em said...

I LOVE this! Fantastic!

R Baldridridge said...

What happened to the toothpicks that held the marshmallow animals together?

Kett Creative Arts said...

tears of laughter, and posted in time for my birthday - I just love your animations - as do mt media students - thank you and bless you

Katie S said...

This describes every single time my mother would make some dessert. I wouldn't go to your extreme, but I would manage a way to sneak some batter or dough or frosting. If it was cookies, I think I managed to sneak eating about half the dough. It was horrible...since it meant only half as many cookies got baked.

Nathaniel said...

This is the funniest fucking thing I have read in a long time! I love you Allie, you're brilliant! Thanks for existing!

Natalie said...

you. just. made. my. day. thanks for being funny!

malanai said...

Would you like a cupcake in the mail?? ^_^
http://pennywhistlecupcakes.wordpress.com/2010/10/08/project-pennywhistle-cupcakes/

Anonymous said...

Yay! you're back!!!

KodaBear said...

Yay, you're back! I missed your posts! I used to be this way as a kid, but with ice cream. I would hide the bowls under my bed so no one would would know how much I'd eaten. Too funny. Thanks for the laughs!

Heide said...

We've missed you!!!! :) Love the new post.

Emily said...

bahaha love this, and love you. i love how this story is so funny in your words and your drawings, even though i'm pretty sure i would have have been praying you went into a sugar induced coma if i was one of the adults present that day.

honestly, if i could ever hope to be an inanimate object, it would be hyperbole and a half.

Alicia said...

Haha! Love this one. I'm so glad you're back. The interwebs is a dark and scary place without you <3

earthcharms said...

Oh my god, you're a child who actually SHOULD have been locked in the basement! I'm amazed! O_O

I dated someone like you once... I nearly killed him on multiple occasions. ;P

Anonymous said...

meh...

Lisa said...

OMG, I was the same way whenever my mom made this whipped-cream-chocolate-cookie dessert! Hilarious!

Sam said...

This is so funny I'm not sure what to say...

Stephanie said...

I love this!! Barrels of laughs! :)

Amber said...

Best part:

"I would eat cake whenever I damn well pleased. It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves."

I love it! Made me LOL all over the place at work. My co-workers were giving me funny looks wondering what email was so funny. Thanks for the mid-day laugh!

Sophie Neutron said...

I always thought I was the only one that was selfish (dense?) enough to expect everyone else would be worse off than me if something terrible happened because I didn't get my own way, eg., a lonely, side yard, death. But thanks to you, I know I'm not completely alone in my, erm, uniqueness

PS. your illustrations are genius!

Late said...

I demand a cake shirt. Pronto. Loved the post!

Elise said...

Instead of cake, mine was bologna. A whole package. Thanks for another amazing post!

Hazel said...

This made me laugh out loud - cackle and snort, even - for the first time in days. Thank you. I hope this doesn't sound creepy or anything, but I kind of love you. A lot.

允美 said...

yay, new post!!!!!!!!!
THE POSTS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTER O___O
...just kidding.

for some reason the first time i read this through, i imagined you scaling an entire wall to get to the cake in a 2nd-floor bedroom. i suppose you certainly had enough energy and willpower for it! but then i started questioning the means... i went back and reread it, and i noticed the phrasing of the cake entering the bedroom lacked any mention of stairs, and then i realized i was being kinda silly.
...although it would have been amazing if you'd climbed up to the 2nd floor just to get at the cake.

Kaitlin said...

This was great!! And now I want cake, damnit. It's one of those forces that can turn men and women back to children. Have you ever seen a room full of adults when cake is cut? Pandemonium.

Bex said...

How old were you?

elena said...

i feel rather stupid, sitting in my room, laughing out loud. alone. this is just to good!

J9 said...

Thank-you for brightening my entire week with this post - agai, laughing loudly while reading!

Erica said...

Getting to cake through window became a foregone conclusion in my head as soon as the story placed you outside. It's tragic the way parents' minds cease to function logically once children clog them with worry and frustration.

I guess karma will get most of us eventually, and our parents will sit back and enjoy the restoration of their thought processes as they watch us chase our own maniacal children marauding like wee Huns all hopped up on sugar-highs from Grandma's loving handouts.

Anonymous said...

You remind me so much of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes...

melissa said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

hope said...

Again you bring me to tears I am laughing SO hard! What a magical combination, your writing and illustrations. Thank you for the pure joy you bring with every new post!

And thank you, too, for the coat-putting-on demonstration... you saved me from catching pneumonia or the flu or something quite unattractive as I could put on my coat this morning thanks to you! :)

Toni said...

It absolutely made my day to see that you had a new post! I love it!

LA said...

You are awesome. The combination of your words and your illustrations are priceless. Each is wonderful but they really are inseparable. So much more than the sum of their parts. I'm so glad I found you!

LA said...

You are awesome. The combination of your words and your illustrations are priceless. Each is wonderful but they really are inseparable. So much more than the sum of their parts. I'm so glad I found you!

Rose said...

We do horrible things to our parents. That is one of the reasons why I'm never having kids, actually.

Thanks for reminding me. And, all your funnies are...FUNNY.

Connor said...

I have never laughed so hard in my entire life, I know 'love' is battered around nowadays, But I think I love you. Allie, you have made my year. I am crying from laughing and dribbled a tad. You are perfect.

Anonymous said...

Nearly hyperventilated from hysterics at reading that. Also, the thought process scarily reminds me of my childhood self :X (and occasionally adult self >.>)

tjo85 said...

Love it!!

And this only proves that Cake is totally better than Pie. Just saying.

Denise said...

This totally reminds me of being 4 and wearing the Thanksgiving pumpkin pie.

Becs said...

I just realized how remarkably similar children are to dogs.

Skulda said...

I was trying to contain my laughter from the people around me working but the snickering ended up in a bubble of snot. God damnit, Allie.

Anne said...

So I'm pretty sure you've heard this a million times but WOW I love you. This blog is hilarious!

Please never stop-how could I survive, now that I know there is someone in the world who also tried to throw herself out of a moving car?

Rahul said...

You're back! Woot! That's my wooting noise. Also the same noise when I get ice cream. And go to sleep

Dani said...

I'm dying!

I sudenly understand my two year old daughter a little better.

Anonymous said...

Allie, I'd have you know that you're about to get me fired.
My coworkers now think I have some sort of warthog cold because of my attempts to cover my snorts of laughter in a fit of coughing.

Yes, I know that I should be ... I don't know, WORKING at work instead of reading your blog and desperately (and unsuccessfully) trying not to giggle, but I would argue that it is your fault I'd rather read your blog post than work. You should make your posts less funny.

Just a Girl said...

Absolutely brilliant, I was totally hooked right til the end - and hurrah that you got the cake!

Wendi said...

This was well worth the wait. My mom just asked if I was okay since I was in the throes of Laughter. I asked her if we have cake. She didn't understand. But I did. I did.

Jude Rosenberg said...

That cake looked yummy-delicious!

I'm laughing so hard right now!

Wellington Lizardo said...

OMG!!!! this was worht waiting for!! hahahah straight from dominican republic we love you!!! hahahaah u just made my day!!! God cake!!!

Geminix07 said...

Just one thing: jajajjajajjajajajjajajajjaja

Anonymous said...

I immediately thought of my happy little stuffed "cake" bunny I bought on Etsy. (I also have a "poop" bunny and a "crap" bunny.) His dazed, delirious expression reminds me of your drawings. But I especially love the drawing of your "evil plotting" face.
jooliep

John Evans said...

Awesome artwork Allie. I felt like I was there. Great post!!

Glynnis said...

You. Are. The. Best.

Daniel said...

Holy mother of Jesus, I'd have strangled you...

I like it.

Kayla said...

The big, pathetic eyes remind me of my chihuahua whenever she's terrified of something. (a balloon, for example.) too adorable.

Mishka said...

Your posts are the only thing on the entire internet that actually make me laugh, as opposed to vaguely smiling or staring blankly at the screen (probably drooling).

As others have said, the pictures at the end were incredibly amazing.

I love your blog, keep up the great work!!!

Anonymous said...

BUT YOUR GRANDFATHER!?!?

Did you make him cry?

!!The Good Guy!! said...

Your blog is one of my favorites. This post was amazingly funny.

Majin said...

Child-you and others like her are among the many reasons I will never breed.

Heather said...

I think I just got diabeetus from reading this post.

Erin said...

Thank you for consistently putting me in a position to be silently doubled-over, teary-eyed, and desperately trying not to snort in hysterics while at my office.

I also can’t tell you how often I relate to your posts – it’s comforting :)

Ellie said...

I love you in all your glorious hilariousness, but the adult in me wants to know how you were punished and assure that it was adequate. I guess that says a lot about your skills as a writer - way to make me still love you but feel so strongly what adults must have felt about this!

Emi said...

Your gift of words has caused me to laugh myself to tears not only while I'm in the midst of an depressed downswing, but also in the middle of a bookstore.

You are amazing. And hilarious. Thank you for sharing your gift with the rest of us.

ROFLBOB said...

Somebody just implemented photoshop into their comics!

hilarious! i must admit that i'm the same way around any sugary substance

Annie Cristina said...

Amazing.

Anonymous said...

That was epic. However . . . if you were my child . . . I would have never made or brought cake into the house ever again out of pure evil spite. Perhaps I shouldn't become a parent.

heylookabear said...

who doesn't love cake??

BreeT said...

I believe I'm starting to scare my co-workers by reading your posts at work, but I cannot help myself.

Also, this was too well-timed to not link back to my blog. http://breebers.blogspot.com/2010/10/you-want-only-child-ill-give-you-only.html

Samelevennn said...

Ahhhhh finally a new post!! It feels like it's been forever! And this one absolutely didn't disappoint - hysterical as always.

James said...

Allie, I need to stop reading your articles (and therefore you really need to stop posting them) when I'm in the middle of a boring Contracts class. It is entirely inappropriate to start laughing uncontrollably when discussing the tedious details of the Uniform Commercial Code.

I was doing pretty well until the look on your face when you got caught.

thomsirveaux said...

The series of panels just after you had the first bite of cake are AMAZING. I still have a similar reaction after eating a bit of ice cream cake.

So I assume from your wording that now you DO have the ability to pick locks? Teach me & there's a cake in it for you.

Noelle said...

YEA!!!!! I only just discovered your blog a few weeks ago and then spent the better part of a work week trying not to let my boss hear me snorting with laughter as a read through ALL your archives! And then I was out of posts to read and it made me feel sad. But I checked every single day for a new post, and here it is! But now I've read it and I'm out of posts to read and I feel sad again. Another post, please!?!?!

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT832 said...

It's so cool that I don't have to be high off my ass or trippin balls to enjoy this post!! lmfao

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just... wow.

Beer and Burger said...

Hilarious!! :D

Ellen & Angus

Francine said...

I have got to learn not to read your posts at work. I am not supposed to be playing and attempting to control my laughter often proves very, very difficult.

My niece did something very similar... but she used the massive big cake knife to cut it into pieces first!!! (she was only 3 at the time)

This is so awesome :-D

Joshua said...

Yay! Glad to see you're back. I just discovered this blog awhile ago when Woot! suggested you. That was about a month ago for your last post. For awhile there, I thought your absence was my fault. It wouldn't be the first a blogger decided to stop posting as soon as I find out about them, I've been burned before. But now, my conscience is clear.

Sorry to hear about Brett Favre, hope you are managing.

Stormy Cruz said...

Dear Allie,
I love all of your posts. I laugh at all of your posts. I created a dreamcatcher out of all of your posts to ensure I only have awesome dreams.
Your writing and illustrating skills so compliment one another that the resulting hilarity is just ferocious. I don't remember the last time something I read on a computer screen made every muscle in my body convulse with laughter.
You have a gift.
I hope your life is fantastic.
Much love, chica.
Stormy

Liz S. said...

I love that you manage to make me laugh every single time. I mean, I actually started this one a little worried, thinking that maybe the Party post had been so good that it would outshine every following post. But no.

This was awesome

EG said...

I'm with Noelle! I read the entire archives a couple weeks ago. Then I was sad. Yay new post! Yay cake!

Was your grandfather a fan of marshmallow animals?

Twinz said...

Nothing in the world makes me laugh harder than your drawings. OMG.

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