The God of Cake

My mom baked the most fantastic cake for my grandfather's 73rd birthday party. The cake was slathered in impossibly thick frosting and topped with an assortment of delightful creatures which my mom crafted out of mini-marshmallows and toothpicks.  To a four-year-old child, it was a thing of wonder - half toy, half cake and all glorious possibility.


But my mom knew that it was extremely important to keep the cake away from me because she knew that if I was allowed even a tiny amount of sugar, not only would I become intensely hyperactive, but the entire scope of my existence would funnel down to the singular goal of obtaining and ingesting more sugar.  My need for sugar would become so massive, that it would collapse in upon itself and create a vacuum into which even more sugar would be drawn until all the world had been stripped of sweetness.  


So when I managed to climb onto the counter and grab a handful of cake while my mom's back was turned, an irreversible chain reaction was set into motion.   


I had tasted cake and there was no going back.  My tiny body had morphed into a writhing mass of pure tenacity encased in a layer of desperation.  I would eat all of the cake or I would evaporate from the sheer power of my desire to eat it. 

My mom had prepared the cake early in the day to get the task out of the way.  She thought she was being efficient, but really she had only ensured that she would be forced to spend the whole day protecting the cake from my all-encompassing need to eat it.  I followed her around doggedly, hoping that she would set the cake down - just for a moment.  

 

My mom quickly tired of having to hold the cake out of my reach. She tried to hide the cake, but I found it almost immediately. She tried putting the cake on top of the refrigerator, but my freakish climbing abilities soon proved it to be an unsatisfactory solution.


Her next attempt at cake security involved putting the cake in the refrigerator and then placing a very heavy box in front of the refrigerator's door.  


The box was far too heavy for me to move.  When I discovered that I couldn't move the box, I decided that the next best strategy would be to dramatically throw my body against it until my mom was forced to move it or allow me to destroy myself.  


Surprisingly, this tactic did not garner much sympathy. 


I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it.  


I had to stay focused. 

I played vengefully for the rest of the afternoon. All of my toys died horrible deaths at least once. But I never lost sight of my goal.

My mom finally came to get me. She handed me a dress and told me to put it on because we were leaving for the party soon. I put the dress on backwards just to make her life slightly more difficult.

I was herded into the car and strapped securely into my car seat.  As if to taunt me, my mom placed the cake in the passenger seat, just out of my reach.  


We arrived at my grandparents' house and I was immediately accosted by my doting grandmother while my mom walked away holding the cake.  


I could see my mom and the cake disappearing into the hallway as I watched helplessly.  I struggled against my grandmother's loving embrace, but my efforts were futile.  I heard the sound of a door shutting and then a lock sliding into place.  My mom had locked the cake in the back bedroom.  How was I going to get to it now?  I hadn't yet learned the art of lock-picking and I wasn't nearly strong enough to kick the door in.  It felt as though all my life's aspirations were slipping away from me in a landslide of tragedy.  How could they do this to me?  How could they just sit there placidly as my reason for living slowly faded from my grasp?  I couldn't take it.  My little mind began to crumble.  

And then, right there in my grandmother's arms, I lapsed into a full-scale psychological meltdown. My collective frustrations burst forth from my tiny body like bees from a nest that had just been pelted with a rock.  


It was unanimously decided that I would need to go play outside until I was able to regain my composure and stop yelling and punching.  I was banished to the patio where I stood peering dolefully through the sliding glass door, trying to look as pitiful as possible.


I knew the cake was locked securely in the bedroom, but if I could just get them to let me inside... maybe.  Maybe I could find a way to get to it.  After all, desperation breeds ingenuity.  I could possibly build an explosive device or some sort of pulley system.  I had to try.  But at that point, my only real option was to manipulate their emotions so they'd pity me and willfully allow me to get closer to the cake. 

When my theatrics failed to produce the desired results, I resorted to crying very loudly, right up against the glass.  


I carried on in that fashion until my mom poked her head outside and, instead of taking pity on me and warmly inviting me back inside as I had hoped, told me to go play in the side yard because I was fogging up the glass and my inconsolable sobbing was upsetting my grandmother.  

I trudged around to the side of the house, glaring reproachfully over my shoulder and thinking about how sorry my mom would be if I were to die out there.  She'd wish she would have listened. She'd wish she had given me a piece of cake.  But it would be too late.  


But as I rounded the corner, the personal tragedy I was constructing in my imagination was interrupted by a sliver of hope.  


Just above my head, there was a window.  On the other side of that particular window was the room in which my mom  had locked the cake.  The window was open.


The window was covered by a screen, but my dad had shown me how to remove a screen as a preemptive safety measure in case I was  trapped in a fire and he couldn't get to me and I turned out to be too stupid to figure out how to kick in a screen to escape death by burning. 

I clambered up the side of the house and pushed the screen with all my strength.   


It gave way, and suddenly there I was - mere feet from the cake, unimpeded by even a single obstacle.


I couldn't fully believe what had just occurred.  I crept slowly - reverently - toward the cake, my body quivering with anticipation.  It was mine.  All mine.


I ate the entire cake.  At one point, I remember becoming aware of the oppressive fullness building inside of me, but I kept eating out of a combination of spite and stubbornness.  No one could tell me not to eat an entire cake - not my mom, not Santa, not God - no one.  I would eat cake whenever I damn well pleased.  It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves. 

..

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, my mother suddenly noticed that she hadn't heard my tortured sobbing in a while.  


She became concerned because it was unusual for my tantrums to stop on their own like that, so she went looking for me.

When she couldn't find me anywhere, she finally thought to unlock the bedroom door and peek inside. 


And there I was.


I spent the rest of the evening in a hyperglycemic fit, alternately running around like a maniac and regurgitating the multi-colored remains of my conquest all over my grandparents' carpet.  I was so miserable, but my suffering was small compared to the satisfaction I felt every time my horrible, conniving mother had to watch me retch up another rainbow of sweet, semi-digested success: this is for you, mom.  This is what happens when you try to get between me and cake - I silently challenged her to try again to prevent me from obtaining something I wanted.  Just once.  Just to see what would happen.  It didn't matter how violently ill I felt, in that moment, I was a god - the god of cake - and I was unstoppable. 

1,145 comments:

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Master of Disharmony said...

Haha. I'm pretty much the same. Except with Donuts. Mad Over Donuts. I could live off Donuts.
Are you a Donut?
Because I'll bite you if you are.
*drool*

Kara said...

This reminds me of my body and it's inability to digest regular cake without going into an intestinal death fit of vili killing revenge pain. Celiac disease is a bitch, with bad manners...and then I discovered Pamela's brand Gluten free chocolate cake. Shit has rainbows and love radiating out of it I swear. I have to hide it, or my mother and I spend two days being cake mongering ninjas fighting over who gets the last piece (I usually win and celebrate with margaritas).

If this post has bad grammar and spelling I apologize, my computer does not have spell check, or a gluten free pizza that actually tastes good. I died a small amount inside on the day I found out I can't have pizza, though the can't have kinda of trumps the want. You get an agonizing skin melting off your entire body rash for 3 months so you get taken out of school with nurses pointing and whispering at you with a doctor who doesn't know what the hell is wrong it sucks. Followed a home school teacher with a mass in the middle of her chest that kind of looks like a third boob, an alien of some sort or cancer, you give up bread products. My vote is still for the alien, it moved.

P.S. You're Awesome :)

Kate said...

Oh God, I love you, Allie. You make me laugh so much. XD

slowmo.paradox said...

I remember a similar incident involving my 12-year-old self & a takeout-burger for my grandfather in the backseat of our car on the way home. (Grampy was forgiving, my mom's younger sister not so much.)

The depiction of overwhelming desire for cake is most excellent.

Berryvox said...

This is my favoritest blog EVER.

Abigail Fitzsimmons said...

Sooo....when are we going to see t-shirts? I REALLY want a t-shirt that has a happy little face and says "CAAAKE." xD

G$ said...

This is awesome! =)
Can your mom make me a cake like that for my birthday?!

Anonymous said...

Umm... wow - I bet your mom hopes that if you have kids they're going to be JUST LIKE you. LOL

ClassicDangerCase said...

This panel is amazing. It def encapsulates the blurred reality of a serious sugar rush.

Jonathan said...

You inspire me everyday, thank you for always making me laugh (:

Alcor said...

Ah ha ha ha ha, CAKE. I was a really tenacious child, but I don't think I would have -- or could have -- eaten an entire cake...I tended to get over myself pretty quickly.

I love the sheer cleverness, though. In the end, honestly, you deserved a piece of cake for your incredible determination.

But did your sugar cravings mean that your parents could never give you any cake, or you'd eat all the rest? Like at your birthday?

Louise said...

Oh god. You were evil.

I love it.

Lauren said...

I have now read the cake story about 10 times since you posted it, laughing every time. I couldn't figure out why I found it so particularly funny until today.

I teach at an elementary school. Today I was in the main office mailing a letter and enjoying a piece of candy that was set out for faculty when one of my students came in to get a bandaid for her boo-boo.

She saw me eating the candy; she saw the bowl of candy; her eyes lit up and met mine; she whispered "Can I have a piece...?" She's one of my favorite students, so I attempted to sneak her a piece as the desk assistant searched through the first aid kit.

But then we were caught in the act. She didn't get her candy, and the desk assistant explained that if we give them one piece from the faculty stash, they'll think they can always get some from the faculty stash.

I immediately thought of your four-year-old self becoming single-mindedly obsessed after just one bite of the forbidden fruit, and I immediately understood why I can never give my students candy.

Life lessons, courtesy of Allie!

72stroopwafels said...

This is one of the best things ever and clearly reflects my own cake experiences.

Norman the Platypus said...

Woah you win. No matter how awesome I try to be, you still out awesome me. And, I am pretty damn awesome.

Shanimal said...

I wish I could animate twice as well as you...

...I also wish I could write twice as well as you.

scibard said...

Not to be all morbid, and you probably won't ever read this, but my mother died a month ago. Soon after, I discovered your blog. This is the only thing that has made me laugh since, and it has seriously kept me going through the long dark empty. You have a serious gift. You're hilarious. The Daily Show and the Onion should fight over you. I wonder who would win?

Entorin said...

I just found your blog and read through almost all your posts. You're fucking hilarious and you totally deserve to become the champion of the internet.

Also please keep the drawing-heavy posts coming! They are the best thing about all this.

And Spaggahttah Nadle. I tried to friend him but apparently he's got an overload of requests. :)

Anonymous said...

Very good post. Anticipating the next one.

Heather said...

@Scibard

I don't know if Allie will read it or not, but I did, and I'm sure if Allie reads it she will be very touched. I just wanted to say I'm glad that you were able to find laughter after the loss of your mother. I can't imagine what you're going through, and even though I don't know you, I'll keep you in my thoughts and hope that you're able to find more bright spots in each and every day!

The Cake Mistress said...

Oh Lordy this is a way-too familiar story in my childhood. Thanks for bringing back amazeball memories!! You're hilarious :)

Alexis C said...

I've been following your blog for a long time now, but just signed up with StumbleUpon yesterday. It just stumbled me to you.

I'm geeking out a little bit.

Fox said...

Oh god, the "Cake. Caaaaaaake. Cake cake cake cake cake cake CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE. CAKE. CAKE IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS." strip nearly killed me. Just what I needed after midterms!

Also cake. Cake is also good after midterms.

Keep being awesome, Allie!

shruti said...

What awesome storytelling! Could I take the 4 year old you home?
How longingly she looks, eyes, stalks and then devours the cake!

fantastic. wish you much cakeness!

The Kid In The Front Row said...

You really have captured magic with your art, with your comedy, with everything you do here. I could very easily be jealous of you but have instead managed to just be in awe of you. What you do is magic, pure magic. And in a world of social networks and fake breasted people and over-expensive coffees-- it's great to just see something REAL & SIMPLE; which is exactly what your art is. And I mean simple in a good way: your art is about the art, and not anything else.

Magic.

Melissa said...

Your childhood stories remind me so much of my little sister Marissa it's almost disturbing. Marissa's always been an evil child, and I mean that in the most truthful way that I can. When she was about two, she bit me in the butt. And not just once, TWICE, and laughed maniacally about it the entire time.

We also caught her drawing on our dining room wall once. I think she was about four...and when we asked her what she was doing, she replied, "I don't know...coloring?".

I love your posts! The pictures kill me every time :D. I've also introduced my brother to the awesomeness that is this blog, and he adores it just as much as I do (if that's even possible, which I'm not entirely sure about....)

Thanks for making my day a lot more awesome :)

Anna said...

You horrible woman, I'm addicted to this now. I hope you're happy, I'll probably end up a slavering shaking snarling wreck and then people will have to trap me in a tiny room with no internet and say things like "Anna, your addiction is ruining the lives of everyone around you" and "We're only doing this because we love you".
I'll never be allowed near the internet again. It will be all your fault for being so very exceedingly awesome. There should be a law about how much of that you can expose people to, for health reasons.

Anonymous said...

1. I can't believe you ate your grandfather's birthday cake.
2. This is not my site, but the about section made me think of you. I also winced: http://lifepamphlet.wordpress.com/about/

Anonymous said...

Your poor, poor, mother. I think it's possible I may currently be the mother of a four-year-old because I spent the whole time I was reading this thinking, "This isn't funny. Why would she do that to her poor mother?"

But it's maybe a little funny.

chirunner said...

Seriously, one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. And the drawings are priceless. Thank you for such a great pick-me-up. I'm still laughing.

cinderkeys said...

I am so not EVER having kids. :D

duncan said...

The picture with the rainbow colours in the background is astounding.

Joel B. said...

This is so funny I was laughing to the point of tears in my office.

Ipslne said...

I'm a bit of a lurker here. Just wanted to point out that I'm pretty sure you're famous now.

Anonymous said...

Oh God. I can hardly breathe. Your poor mother. ahahahahahahahahaha. wonderful, evil child that you were.

Anonymous said...

No less than 5 people have recently discovered your blog and sent me a link to this. Just letting you know, you are quickly developing a cult following in the North West

Anonymous said...

I am buying my birthday cake today. Hopefully I do not eat it before my guests arrive because I feel like that first row of pictures right now.

Anonymous said...

Oh God. This makes me giggle. Uncontrollably. I was banned from looking at this site at work, just to let you know =D -Britt

msyendor said...

Huh. I'm a bit torn.

On one hand your comic book illustrations are fantastic. (Are you gearing up to make a webcomic?)

On the other hand I want to finger flick your nose and/or ears like I do my kitties and dog when they get too pushy/forget their manners.

Johnathan Paul said...

OMG HILARIOUS AND MORE HILARIOUS AND THEN MORE HILARIOUS. WHAT A GREAT STORY!!!!

Anonymous said...

If you could make this PG (just 2 words... d***, f***), I'd send it ALL OVER - to hundreds of friends and my 10-year-old's friends!

Anonymous said...

If you could make this PG (just 2 words... d***, f***), I'd send it ALL OVER - to hundreds of friends and my 10-year-old's friends!

Sithwitch said...

I just laughed myself sick reading this. Well done.

Anonymous said...

words can not convey how incredibly hilarious this is.

FUCK. YES.

LS said...

Hey. I love your blog and I am super jealous of the cake and the crazed sugar high that followed it (despite the hyper spewing and also likely obesity that resulted from it).
I just started blogging, please check it out :)
http://alifelessawkward.blogspot.com/
Keep up the awesome work!

TechnoBabe said...

Your poor mom. I have to admit to doing the same sorts of things to my mom though. You tell a story so well and this is hilarious. Really made my day. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

So funny and I can totally relate. As a child, I was obsessed with chocolate chip cookies. They went to great lengths to hide them from me but their efforts were futile! Great story and great illustrations.

Dubito ergo cogito; cogito ergo sum. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristin P. said...

You should record some dramatic readings of your posts for YouTube... Double the number of people exposed to your hilarity.

Ajax451 said...

OMG! I nearly choked to death cuz I was laughing so hard. I can just imagine the multi-colored vomit spilling out of your mouth like a rainbow......Ok, that was disturbig but it was so f******* hilarious! XD

Lacey said...

This had me laughing so hard my abs started hurting, and not because my cross country coach had us do the P90X Ab Ripper yesterday.. Thank God I'm the only one home right now, or I'm fairly sure my parents would have asked if I was okay. You are hilarious!

Charles_Brown said...

You have some of the most amazing stories I have heard in a long time. all hail the god of cake. lol

Kat said...

Hey, I "stumbled upon" your blog a few days ago, OMG!! You. ARE. FRICKEN. HALIRIOUS. I read every single one of your posts. Will you marry me?......seriously?....I know I'm also a girl but that doesn't matter...You can live in my living room forever...I will give you cheesy waffles just to randomly say stuff.... Please, I promise there are no orcs or rapists in my house.

Also I'm not a creepy stalker girl.
I promise.... >:s

sageluke said...

serious question: will you marry me?
if things dont workout with boyfriend of course.

Sam said...

God of Cake is now a thing. I thank you for that.

Also you sure had some adventures as a kid, I kind of feel bad for your mom. xD

Ryoko Lam said...

Epic story, so funny! The journey for addiction almost haha

Takeena said...

Wow. Scaling the house walls? LOL Never had a cake that good.

Tu mejor receta said...

Realmente es un plcer encontrar este blog.

Ian said...

Your poor, poor mother.

Also: this blog is the most fantastic thing on the internet.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!

My parents were lucky that once I had more than one slice of cake, I'd get mildly hyperglycemic and literally curl up in a corner and nap. My younger siblings and my best friend, however, were total sugar fiends!

tenshi* said...

Achievement Unlocked; Lord of Cake-Defiling!

Did the same thing when I was really little with a big, black cake with a fondant-icing-camera on top. Best. Cake. Ever.

Tara said...

Allie - you are awesome...
I just went to CBD because you mention him sometimes... he is soooo LAME...
Keep up the great work!!! You make me laugh so much...

xox

caitria said...

Sooooo i have a blog too and i was wondering if i could use one of your drawings as my background, i can link to your blog on my blog somewhere to make sure you are given credit for the picture but i just haven't been able to find a background that suits my blog and i feel like one of your drawings would do the trick. :] if you have time, let me know if that would be cool? :] thanks!

J. Lee Elliott said...

Hahahahaha omg that is so awesome. Your poor mother. She should be awarded sainthood just for having to put up with you. :P Thanks for making a new post! It is the sparkly sunshine in my days ^____^

Zouzou said...

hahahahaha!!! wow... I really hope you do nice things on mothers day for your long-suffering mom now that you're grown up!

JustLinda said...

Allie Brosh - superstar!! You amaze me with the success you've had here on your blog. Over 1000 comments - my little ol' comments will get lost in the mix. I hope you're enjoying it and I hope you parlay it into a job where you get paid WELL to do stuff you love. <3

(This post was a good one!! Most excellent. And now I want cake.)

Taylor said...

Oh, wow! I randomly followed a friend's link on facebook while procrastinating and ended up cracking up nonstop for pretty much the entire post. I laughed so hard, my stomach actually hurts. AND since I'm trying to drop 10 lbs right now, I'm going to just count that as an intensive abs workout, and will continue to visit your site for more 'workouts.' You are a hilarious blogger-- thanks so much for brightening my day!!!

Kira wightman said...

Hey I absolutely love your blog, I recently back read the entire thing and laughed my ass off. As a fellow ADHD with no money for drugs I can certainly relate to you difficulties doing things that have multiple steps. I must say my favorite part so far has to be the alot. a friend and I were giggling over it and made our other friend draw an alot without having seen your version, it is here. http://annarowlye.deviantart.com/#/d31e6tn I hope it makes you giggle. keep up the hilarious blogging and try not to freeze up there in Montana (I know the pain, I used to go to school in Bozeman).

paul =) said...

i love you ally lol XD when ever im sad i randomly read one of ur posts i have some bookmarked XD theyalways cheer me up =) keep posting so u can rule the internet >=D XD btw how old r i read the posts and feel like im being told all this by an extremely teenage like 8 year old =) XD

gogglemouse2 said...

Hi Allie!

I've never commented on one of your posts before, but I really like your blog.

My boyfriend just introduced me to a silly flash game called Feed the King where you stack cakes up so the king can eat them. The people who made the game are letting people design cakes that will maybe get used in the iPhone version of their game. I was inspired by your cake post and so I tried to make a cake version of your character. I think you can see it here: http://www.feedtheking.com/index.php?cid=14070
I hope you like it and aren't offended.

Anonymous said...

pleeeeaaaase post another one soon!! I'm tired of waiting :(

Laura said...

I'm a fan of your work. I never leave any comments, but I'm always checking for updates. I enjoy all your funny posts. However I must say this time, that as much as I enjoyed this post, I feel terribly sorry for your mother. :(

Gueibor said...

Oh Allie...
As a sweet tooth, I can totally relate. As a parent, however, I wanna fucking kill you until you die from it.
Your mother is a saint.
And you're a global* treasure.

(*Not just national, since I'm writing this from Crotchdust, Thirdworldia.)

Amy said...

Now I want to bake cake. Immediately, if possible, then EAT IT ALL!

Anonymous said...

XD OK- 4-year-old you to cake is as current me is to pie- do the math.

Ashley said...

This is totally hilarious...my sister had a birthday recently, and I couldn't keep myself from eating the cake. To this day (it was only like a week ago) my sister uses the "you ate all of my cake!!!" complaint against me.

This also reminds me of when I ( and my younger brother ) were very young...there was the incident when my mom made 2 cans of asparagus (blechhh but brother liked it) for my dad's birthday, and the instant she turned around, my brother had inhaled it all (he may have been ~5 at the time).

It also reminds me of when my brother was ~2 and bravely scaled the kitchen counter to reach the pot of spaghetti that was cooking.....only to fall and put his 2 front teeth thru his bottom lip.

He sure was a determined child, lol

sorry for any typos, I'm learning how to use the iPod touch and have very chubby fingers XD

Andy said...

Very funny! I just tweeted it!

http://www.laughinginpurgatory.com/2010/10/are-you-christian-enough-to-be-senator.html

Your mother was a saint.

christina said...

Absolutely amazing! I love the drawings and all the emotion. It's utterly hilarious.

Utterly. Hilarious.

OMG It's Luc said...

I laugh every time I leave a comment because of the creepy thing. I feel like you understand me.

If I ever suddenly became as funny as you then I think my life might be complete. I might then proceed to take over the world.

I love you.

See? Creepy.

Makraken~ said...

you totally got featured on Lost At E Minor.

I congratulate you.

Nathan "Badger" English said...

I don't understand how everything you post on this blog is so awesome! Well done!

Anonymous said...

My Dear Gentle Jesus! KEEP DOING THE LITTLE GIRL STORIES! THEY ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS. I swear I'm going to die by laughing.

KEEP DOING THE LITTLE GIRL ONES.

All the other ones are funny too, but these are fracking EPIC!

Kraxpelax said...

GAMMABLIXT


SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

There's much in the world that you can't explain.
It's revealed for you to remember
by the whispering voice of a distant train
or a midnight rain in november.

Horizon within! You can always find
the keys to Enigma. Let's mention
one basic Truth: of spirited Mind
is Nature naught but extension.

Internal expanses! In dreams, ridden
by fear and longing you roam
that deep Southeast in your soul hidden
...on your random journey back home.

---

As a native Swede, I am particularly proud of my love poetry suite Sonnets for Katie.

My Poems

*

Po├ętudes

My Spanish Poetry



And: reciprocity: for mutual benefit, you will do me a favor promoting your own blog on mine!

The best way to do it is lining up as a Follower, since then your icon will advertise you indefinitely, and I will follow you in return. Let's forge a mighty alliance of synergy and common interest.

Yours,

- Peter Ingestad, Sweden

flutiepatootie said...

Tears. I keep re-reading this and EVERY TIME I end up laughing so much I cry. To top it all off, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED at my house yesterday with my nephew. 'Cake' was just about his first word.

Stanley said...

Being a little kid was absolutely hilariously awesome.

And it still is.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog entries. They never get old, and I adore your drawings.

I was having the worst day ever but the cake entry cheered me up. <3

Anonymous said...

Oh geez. Just yesterday, I did approximately the same thing with a box of See's candies. (Thank god it was only an 8 oz box.) And I'm 41 years old, with the self-control to hold down a job and everything. Those panels with the idea of cake taking hold ... that was exactly how it felt :)

Kaylee said...

Pretty sure you get one of these every five seconds, but you are totally one hundred percent my favorite blogger in the universe, and certainly on the internet.

I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Except I'm fairly certain we are the same age, so hopefully I'll achieve your mentality soon.

Maybe.

I like to pretend to channel you when I have to write stuff because I think if I write like you, people will automatically understand that there are pictures that need to go along with the words.

Sadly, this does not work with my assignments :(

Thank you for all your hilarity- I craugh whenever I read your posts.

(A craugh is when you laugh so hard you cry. I try to blend words as often as I can)

Andrea said...

I cannot tell you how many times your posts have pulled me out of a funk or just totally made my day. I love your stories, and your DRAWINGS! They're pure gold. Thank you for sharing these things with the peeps.

*goes off to cutabitch for some cake*

Beth J said...

These last few posts have been EPIC and BRILLIANT. I hope you post some silly little one-offs soon; I miss the frequent, ridiculous brain dumps. :)

Are you posting stuff elsewhere?

Anonymous said...

This made me sad... for whatever reason, I was really mad at child-you for ruining your grandpa's birthday! So if your aim was to amuse while inspiring vague feelings of anger, mission accomplished.

BTW, I still love you. But not in a creeper way. Honest.

Charles marlowe said...

Lol

Ali said...

Dear Allie,
We are secretly brain-twins. It sort of freaks me out a little bit how much alike we think... which is why I love reading your stuff, because let's face it, we're pretty funny people. Thank you for existing. I'm a fan.
Sincerely,
Alternately Spelled Ali

Jen said...

I'm in hysterics! (Not good for someone who just had her wisdom teeth removed this week- ouch, stitches!)

Anonymous said...

And your mom didn't murder you? Give that lady a hug.

Kendra said...

As the mother of a two year old, this post made me feel anxious and sad for your mother (and really sad for your cakeless grandpa!) Yes, the insanity of young children can be very funny...but the take home message from this post is: holy fuck. Your mother must be an amazingly patient, kind person. Or she had just been completely broken by you at this point. Maybe both. Reading it from a kid's perspective struck terror into my heart. If I had been you and your mother had been my mother, I would have found myself buried in a shallow grave in the backyard shortly after the box beating began. That's only a little bit of hyperbole for you. ;)

Also. WANT. CAKE. But not those nasty multicolored marshmallows. Never liked those things!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha the last picture cracked me up!

๏̯๏

Brittany said...

Just so you know, I stayed home sick today from school.
This is a lie. I actually just wanted to read your blog rather than learn about trigonometric functions.
I just read through every single blog post, and to say that you are too cool for words still doesn't feel like enough.

Count on me naming all of my future children after you. ♥

Anonymous said...

You are more than funny and talented! You are the reason I wonder why all the talent in the world is heaped on one person! I think you are awesome! Smart, funny stuff right here!!

Elli said...

Utterly and adorably adorable! The pictures completely make it. You are SO cute as a cartoon four year old lol
I love cake, but you managed to make the thing look so sugary I feel ill when I look at it HAHAHA

Dindrane said...

Splendid as always! As a diabetic child, I had the exact same UNSTOPPABLE JUGGERNAUT OF WILL when it came to sugarsugarSUGAR, which loves us and will always love us, may its tribe increase.

Thank you for sharing this with us!

vivivivivian said...

the look of confusion in the last image makes me want to bang my head. so cute

Anonymous said...

This is the dumbest thing I have ever read. I just drug on and on forever. I kept thinking it had to get better. My friend said it was funny so I kept reading....It wasnt even CUTE! What a huge waste of time. Do you people have no life? And this joker has other stories that people continue to take time to read? Amazing.

Anonymous said...

True story, or the TRUEST story?
Me and my friend were talking about certain awkward situations. And I said, "There is this blog-" "Hyperbole and a half!" she interrupts. "YES!"

And then we high-five.

Hungry Bunyip said...

You always manage to put so much expression into each image. I love them all.

kitrona said...

This is how I currently feel about my bottle (now glass) of mead and my Jolly Ranchers. I'll feel horrible tomorrow but right now I'm enjoying every drop of mead and every bit of these Jolly Ranchers.

Lenni said...

Hi Allie,
My boyfriend just broke up with me, but I still laughed. And then I read all of your entries. All of them.
I'm eagerly awaiting your next post because I'll relapse soon into a drowning, blubbery mess of tear-induced snot.

Jo said...

So basically this is my whole entire life wrapped up in one blog post. Which means your life is my life. Which means we are actually the EXACT SAME PERSON.

WHAT EVEN.

Matthew said...

so perfect! love your posts, subscribed

read all your previous posts and will be reading all your future posts!

xoxoxo

p.s.
you're hot!!

Jet said...

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Kim Davidson said...

Oh. My. God. That is seriously one of the most hilarious things you have ever posted. I particularly loved the bit about you not "yet" knowing how to pick locks, and your father teaching you how to remove a screen. So. Funny. Thank you for that--I am still laughing.

kylie said...

i.... kinda love you a lot now... if i end up like you after getting my neuroscience bsc it will all have been worth it... <3

Asia said...

Allie,

Are you dead? Miss your posts... :(

mepsipax said...

hyperglycemic fit, alternately running around like a maniac and regurgitating the multi-colored remains of my conquest all over my grandparents' carpet

Jesus Christ Allie, I have missed sweet literary nuggets such as that. Really, you scare me with your comedic genius. I laughed so fucking hard...

mepsipax said...

hyperglycemic fit, alternately running around like a maniac and regurgitating the multi-colored remains of my conquest all over my grandparents' carpet

Jesus Christ Allie, I have missed sweet literary nuggets such as that. Really, you scare me with your comedic genius. I laughed so fucking hard...

Eli said...

I had been having doubts for a while but a series of events and this strip have helped me to make up my mind.

I don't want to have any children. Thanks Ally :P

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, as always...I keep thinking, though, "What a different mode of growing up..." If I'd taken that first bite of cake, I would've been spanked raw, no two ways about it.

Ellie said...

Dear Allie,

After reading this post, I proceeded to read every single post you've ever written.

Last night, I finished.

Now I am completely lost in the world and don't know what to do.

CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU POST MORE.

Love,
Ellie

Anonymous said...

Yay new post. It was a while!

Heidi said...

ahaha, oh man, dude. You were a weirdass kid.

sega01 said...

Oh my god, that was awesome!

Straight sugar (and things with it in such quantities) is dangerous stuff. Studies show that it's actually more addictive than cocaine (no joke).

Misha said...

Yay for a new post!

I loved it! It actually did help me to see a bit better into the inner machinations of my toddler....which is frightening in and of itself.

Bravo, Allie! =)

Tessa said...

Everything about this post was amazing. I love you, mighty Cake God.

Ruadhan said...

There's no proven link between sugar and hyperactivity, though, and this is especially true for bona-fide ADHD diagnosed persons.

The reaction of your four-year-old self was most likely simply a stubborn desire for something that you were told you could not have, taken to the extremes that only a child could.

"Guppy" Honaker said...

There's nothing worse than having something in the house that you are not allowed to have. Especially a yummie piece of cake! My granddaughter is the same way - one bite of anything sweet and she bacomes a little tornado, destroying everything in her path.

- David

Aloe Vera Juice Benefits
Holistic Nutrition and Health

Anonymous said...

Had a very scarily similar experience. Except it was candy. I still blame my mother for my current candy addiction.

LeahJ said...

So clearly, we are twins.
Photo of Baby Leah stealing cake: http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-ash1/v364/40/107/575039027/n575039027_893898_6782.jpg

Mind Of Mine said...

OMG! This blog is absolutely fucking hilarious!! I love it!!

Momma Bear said...

OMG! I am still crying!
I had three children who when faced with something they feel they should have behave in this manner!
just you remember the mothers curse/blessing
"may you have children just as sweet as you were!"

boo radley said...

funniest thing i've ever read. And i'm the expert on funny.

Anonymous said...

I think it's interesting to note that there is a sudden and very rapid decline in the frequency of posts that begins shortly after Allie decided to start blogging for srs.

Interesting, but not at all surprising. Now hurry up and do another post before November! <3

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog about a week ago, spent several hours reading.. I have finished reading everything, which means two things.. 1: It's time for new posts and 2: I am a super procrastinator. Thanks for the laughs. Not thanks for an excuse to avoid my laundry.
-Kate

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know, that I have bee reading all of your blogs after being referred to you by a friend, which has taken me since 10:00 this morning, until now, at 3:41 A.M. I am very happy to have spent my day and night doing this.

seanroxursox said...

Allie...come back. I miss you.
I just read all your posts...I need more.

baronessvarla said...

My friend, Christine, turned me on to your blog about two days ago & I, being obsessive & being stuck in Estonia for a week, read the whole thing.

Last night I had vivid nightmares about bears. BEARS. I have never dreamt about bears before in my life. So welcome to my subconscious! Now that you've obviously taken over. :)

Lucia said...

Wow, all that for cake!
Love your blog...wonderfully funny!

hed. said...

This was the first post I've read by you, and I'm sold. New follower-one of the funniest damn blogs I've ever read! Hed hed down under

alliecat said...

I love your posts, I have such a girl crush on you even tho I like big burly hairy men.

Lathan said...

Hi

I had a dream about a small ant-like girl with birthday hat shaped hair.
Thanks for impacting my life.

StrongNHim said...

O boy, O boy... that is so funny. You never fail! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I may be the only person, but I didn't find this funny at all. I find it kind of sad.

independent shadow said...

hahahah! i absolutely love this X) couldn't stop laughing x I <3 the drawing hahaha ^__^ Sigh
keep on keepin on x

kara@elements-interiors.net said...

WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!
Im another Blogger and had a friend tell me to visit yours...HALARIOUS!!! Will be following!

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Evanda said...

I started reading Hyperbole and a Half after it was recommended in Holy Moly and I am endlessly glad I did.

Especially this post. I empathise completely with little Allie and gods, but I want a piece of bright pink cake right now

redshoegirl said...

Just in case you were wondering, you TOTALLY look exactly like Kristen Bell.

Also, who doesn't love cake??????

love,

red shoe girl.

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