The God of Cake

My mom baked the most fantastic cake for my grandfather's 73rd birthday party. The cake was slathered in impossibly thick frosting and topped with an assortment of delightful creatures which my mom crafted out of mini-marshmallows and toothpicks.  To a four-year-old child, it was a thing of wonder - half toy, half cake and all glorious possibility.


But my mom knew that it was extremely important to keep the cake away from me because she knew that if I was allowed even a tiny amount of sugar, not only would I become intensely hyperactive, but the entire scope of my existence would funnel down to the singular goal of obtaining and ingesting more sugar.  My need for sugar would become so massive, that it would collapse in upon itself and create a vacuum into which even more sugar would be drawn until all the world had been stripped of sweetness.  


So when I managed to climb onto the counter and grab a handful of cake while my mom's back was turned, an irreversible chain reaction was set into motion.   


I had tasted cake and there was no going back.  My tiny body had morphed into a writhing mass of pure tenacity encased in a layer of desperation.  I would eat all of the cake or I would evaporate from the sheer power of my desire to eat it. 

My mom had prepared the cake early in the day to get the task out of the way.  She thought she was being efficient, but really she had only ensured that she would be forced to spend the whole day protecting the cake from my all-encompassing need to eat it.  I followed her around doggedly, hoping that she would set the cake down - just for a moment.  

 

My mom quickly tired of having to hold the cake out of my reach. She tried to hide the cake, but I found it almost immediately. She tried putting the cake on top of the refrigerator, but my freakish climbing abilities soon proved it to be an unsatisfactory solution.


Her next attempt at cake security involved putting the cake in the refrigerator and then placing a very heavy box in front of the refrigerator's door.  


The box was far too heavy for me to move.  When I discovered that I couldn't move the box, I decided that the next best strategy would be to dramatically throw my body against it until my mom was forced to move it or allow me to destroy myself.  


Surprisingly, this tactic did not garner much sympathy. 


I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it.  


I had to stay focused. 

I played vengefully for the rest of the afternoon. All of my toys died horrible deaths at least once. But I never lost sight of my goal.

My mom finally came to get me. She handed me a dress and told me to put it on because we were leaving for the party soon. I put the dress on backwards just to make her life slightly more difficult.

I was herded into the car and strapped securely into my car seat.  As if to taunt me, my mom placed the cake in the passenger seat, just out of my reach.  


We arrived at my grandparents' house and I was immediately accosted by my doting grandmother while my mom walked away holding the cake.  


I could see my mom and the cake disappearing into the hallway as I watched helplessly.  I struggled against my grandmother's loving embrace, but my efforts were futile.  I heard the sound of a door shutting and then a lock sliding into place.  My mom had locked the cake in the back bedroom.  How was I going to get to it now?  I hadn't yet learned the art of lock-picking and I wasn't nearly strong enough to kick the door in.  It felt as though all my life's aspirations were slipping away from me in a landslide of tragedy.  How could they do this to me?  How could they just sit there placidly as my reason for living slowly faded from my grasp?  I couldn't take it.  My little mind began to crumble.  

And then, right there in my grandmother's arms, I lapsed into a full-scale psychological meltdown. My collective frustrations burst forth from my tiny body like bees from a nest that had just been pelted with a rock.  


It was unanimously decided that I would need to go play outside until I was able to regain my composure and stop yelling and punching.  I was banished to the patio where I stood peering dolefully through the sliding glass door, trying to look as pitiful as possible.


I knew the cake was locked securely in the bedroom, but if I could just get them to let me inside... maybe.  Maybe I could find a way to get to it.  After all, desperation breeds ingenuity.  I could possibly build an explosive device or some sort of pulley system.  I had to try.  But at that point, my only real option was to manipulate their emotions so they'd pity me and willfully allow me to get closer to the cake. 

When my theatrics failed to produce the desired results, I resorted to crying very loudly, right up against the glass.  


I carried on in that fashion until my mom poked her head outside and, instead of taking pity on me and warmly inviting me back inside as I had hoped, told me to go play in the side yard because I was fogging up the glass and my inconsolable sobbing was upsetting my grandmother.  

I trudged around to the side of the house, glaring reproachfully over my shoulder and thinking about how sorry my mom would be if I were to die out there.  She'd wish she would have listened. She'd wish she had given me a piece of cake.  But it would be too late.  


But as I rounded the corner, the personal tragedy I was constructing in my imagination was interrupted by a sliver of hope.  


Just above my head, there was a window.  On the other side of that particular window was the room in which my mom  had locked the cake.  The window was open.


The window was covered by a screen, but my dad had shown me how to remove a screen as a preemptive safety measure in case I was  trapped in a fire and he couldn't get to me and I turned out to be too stupid to figure out how to kick in a screen to escape death by burning. 

I clambered up the side of the house and pushed the screen with all my strength.   


It gave way, and suddenly there I was - mere feet from the cake, unimpeded by even a single obstacle.


I couldn't fully believe what had just occurred.  I crept slowly - reverently - toward the cake, my body quivering with anticipation.  It was mine.  All mine.


I ate the entire cake.  At one point, I remember becoming aware of the oppressive fullness building inside of me, but I kept eating out of a combination of spite and stubbornness.  No one could tell me not to eat an entire cake - not my mom, not Santa, not God - no one.  I would eat cake whenever I damn well pleased.  It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves. 

..

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, my mother suddenly noticed that she hadn't heard my tortured sobbing in a while.  


She became concerned because it was unusual for my tantrums to stop on their own like that, so she went looking for me.

When she couldn't find me anywhere, she finally thought to unlock the bedroom door and peek inside. 


And there I was.


I spent the rest of the evening in a hyperglycemic fit, alternately running around like a maniac and regurgitating the multi-colored remains of my conquest all over my grandparents' carpet.  I was so miserable, but my suffering was small compared to the satisfaction I felt every time my horrible, conniving mother had to watch me retch up another rainbow of sweet, semi-digested success: this is for you, mom.  This is what happens when you try to get between me and cake - I silently challenged her to try again to prevent me from obtaining something I wanted.  Just once.  Just to see what would happen.  It didn't matter how violently ill I felt, in that moment, I was a god - the god of cake - and I was unstoppable. 

1,145 comments:

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Chantal said...

It's my birthday today and this sort of made my day. You are amazing <3

Anonymous said...

Fantastic! I think these are some of the greatest pictures! I love the one where you're playing with your toys, and the ones where you're found with the cake. I love your combination of situational and visual humor. :)

Lulu Caribou said...

Congrats Allie! You were so funny today, you gave me hiccups :)

iridia said...

This is exactly the feeling that watching too much of shows like Cake Boss, etc gives me. It turns me into a cake zombie. Also, some of your best drawings ever. YAY Allie ^.^

Maddie said...

THE PICTURES! Oh, the fantastic, hilarious pictures... so funny.

Ellie Day said...

I love reading your blogs to the point where I get sad after reading them. I'm always super excited to see a new post, read the post, laugh myself into a crying fit and find myself wanting to read it again. At this point, I just get sad because I know that all future reads will never be same as that oh-so-exciting first time.

Christopher said...

I need "I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it" with the picture below it on a T-shirt.

EmilyJoy said...

ALLIE I MISSED YOU .
I've been checking back every god damn day to see if maybe - MAYBE - you posted, and today was the day !
Happy times.
Plus, I made an epic cake yesterday.
I'm probably gonna eat the whole thing.

FCSD said...

Awesome. If only I was this funny, then I would be much funnier... dang.

dark-argea said...

I can so relate to your mum right now... considering I'm pretty positive my husband ate a packet of jelly crystals last night while I was asleep :S

FlyDurden said...

your poor mother O_O

Meles said...

So Happy you updated :D I dont know how I lived without this blog, and these last couple of weeks have been hell. I never wanna go Cold Turkey on Hyoperbole and a Half ever again.

Angelica said...

I guess your parents never hit you.

LisaMJ said...

Girl, you've done it again! Not only did you make me laugh so hard tears came to my eyes, my stomach hurts from laughing and I almost peed myself. Well done, Madam. Well done.

Laura said...

BWA!!! This is the best thing in the entire universe. The children of my village will sing your name.

Leesha1231 said...

This is the first time I've ever posted any comment on a blog, but I just wanted you to know that I have laughed out loud to every post you've done! Thanks for cheering up my day, Allie!!!

SisterMerryHellish said...

My mom made my SISTER a pink cake with a parade of marshmallow elephants on it! It was so cute! And she hadn't made one like that for me, so of course I cried. Then she gave me a piece of cake and I don't remember anything after that.

Cake IS the only thing that matters!

JewishGal said...

My favorite part of this was that you "played vengefully." EXCELLENT. I know what you mean!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure this is why I only ever went to one or two of my grandparents' birthday parties.

L said...

Wow...I wish I could give your mom a hug. I have three kids who occassionally...okay usually...drive me crazy and they are angels compared to that post. Cherubs with harps, to be specific. Although I did put a bag of candy in a safe once. It needed to be done.

Heather said...

We have a saying in our house inspired by my then three year old. (In a deep hoarse voice) It goes like this, "I WAAAAAANT CAAAAAAKE!"

I loved the story! And again I think, "Your poor mom."

Morgan said...

Oh god, this might be my favorite post of yours EVER. Tears are literally streaming down my face!

Thank you!

Cookiemonsteress said...

I was the same, with the searching and consuming, followed by the hyperness! My weakness was (is) cookies though, not cake :)

Courtney said...

I won't lie: I laughed my ass off reading this.

driven2batshitcrazy said...

I could totally do that right now... but lets be real, I just want the frosting.

Tiberious Cashflow said...

You are the God of Cake. You and Kratos should fight.

lala [mrs. new guy] said...

allie!!! never go so long without posting again. you might have to put pants on.

Nicolas Lopez said...

LOL. But you left us with a cliffhanger! DID your mom ever get between you and cake???

Jennifer said...

I totally did that once! I made and ate and threw up an entire No-Bake peanut butter pie one afternoon after school because I knew if I didn't eat the whole thing, my little brother would come home and I would never see another bite. I just had to have the whole thing to myself! We didn't normally have junk food in the house and when we did, we inhaled it!

AnnemariePap said...

I am no longer allowed to read your blog at work due to my outrageous laughter disturbing my coworkers (and then me distracting them to make them read and thereby getting them addicted to your blog as well). You're amazing and creatively inspiring!! I hope you enjoy your job as much as I enjoy your job! :)

AnnemariePap said...

I am no longer allowed to read your blog at work due to my outrageous laughter disturbing my coworkers (and then me distracting them to make them read and thereby getting them addicted to your blog as well). You're amazing and creatively inspiring!! I hope you enjoy your job as much as I enjoy your job! :)

AnnemariePap said...

I am no longer allowed to read your blog at work due to my outrageous laughter disturbing my coworkers (and then me distracting them to make them read and thereby getting them addicted to your blog as well). You're amazing and creatively inspiring!! I hope you enjoy your job as much as I enjoy your job! :)

Ericka said...

"I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it."


YES, THIS WAS MY CHILDHOOD. THANK YOU! :D

Windsor Grace said...

Wow. This is f-ing hilarious. The pictures are awesome

Breakup Watch said...

That was awesome. Thank you.

deb ... p.s. bohemian said...

oh man i laughed and laughed - that was great - just what i needed right.now - thanks :)

Jennifer said...

I was having the crappiest day ever, but when I saw you had a new post up, I almost exploded with happiness. As always, freakingg HILARIOUS post. There's nothing better than cake! :D

Kim said...

This might be the most amazing story you have ever written and illustrated. It made me so very happy.

natalie jean said...

i don't like frosting....but omg cake.

Kim said...

This might be the most amazing story you have ever written and illustrated. It made me so very happy.

Srad said...

Ha! Have you met my daughter per chance? Absolutely brilliant.

Anna said...

So happy to see a new post! I was in serious withdrawal. Have a question though. Can you now pick locks and kick down doors? Cause that was sorta implied.
And... your poor mother

Nic! said...

This is hilarious! I'm glad you showed your mom what's up. I'm like this, only an adult. Mmmm sugar... nomnomnomnomnomnomnom.....

Eric said...

I want a "cake is the only thing that matters" shirt.

Cal said...

Fantastic! I loved every minute of this story!

Chris Machado said...

Oh my god.
Thats all I can say.
Congratulations on successfully making it so I never have children,

Katie said...

I would have beaten you if you were my child.

I LOVE YOUR DRAWINGS SO MUCH THOUGH. ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

Momo-kun said...

O-M-F-G
i like am addicted to you blog it's like crackkkkkkk.....
new update is so happy making.... i totally force your blog on others like a pusher....

anyway
please make it so foreigners like me (i live in Liverpool England) can by you stuff from you shop... if you do i will totally send you a care package of weird British foods including pom-bears and spotted-dick.... and JAFFA CAKES...

so plz make it so we foreigners can buy things PLZ T_T

peace out
mo

Happenstance said...

The picture of you angrily playing with your toys is fantastic. As is the entire post.

Beth R said...

I especially love the line under your mothers eye when she realises you are toooooo quiet. It's that manic sort of squint you get when you worry too much.

KEEP UP THE AWESOMENESS! My bf moaned for days wondering when the next one was going to be. All the wait was totally worth it :)

me love cake!

Jen :) said...

Allie, your blog is my sole purpose for living. Thanks for existing. :D

Never come between a determined kid and her cake. :D

Julie said...

My extended family is so passive aggressive that if I had done something like this I never would have heard the end of it. So I have to ask: do they still bring this up?

June Russell said...

Laughed out loud! You really were a little git, weren't you though? I feel for all who had to deal with you.

glasseye said...

Cake is to Allie what Allie's blog is to me. More more more more more more...

Momo-kun said...

DUUUDDDDEEEE this blog is like crack...
i have forced upon everyone i know cause I'm totally a pusher!
anyway i live in rainy England and would like to be able to purchase your good (from your store), however there is an impasse and that is that you sell only in dollars... this makes me sad
so i have decided to bribe you :D
you make it so i can buy your things
ANDDDDD ill send you a care package of strange and delicious British foods... such as; spotted-dick, pom-bears, and JAFFA CAKES!!!

peace,
mo :D

Roxanne said...

I absolutely love the pictures of you throwing yourself against the box in front of the refrigerator!

Just brilliant!

Colleen said...

I did this once, when I turned one. My dog stepped in my birthday cake and my parents figured, "what the hell, let her eat the whole thing!" So I did. I was covered in cake, head to toe (as were the walls). Too bad that I don't remember this moment, because I am sure that it was one of the more glorious events in my life. We do however, have pictures. I REALLY liked that cake, and my mom will readily admit that letting me eat the entire thing was one of the worst ideas she's ever had.

Anonymous said...

Um, could you please be my friend? k? thx!

Christina said...

Most epic nomnom story evar!!!! HAHAHAH LOVE IT! :)

Sheltiemama said...

I've been checking your site every single day for a new post, and finally I've been rewarded. This HAS to go under "best of." You make me laugh until I cry.

Miss_Wonton said...

Wow, your poor mother. But I must say, great job on your cake heist.

indireneed said...

Oh cake, why dost thou have such a dramatic effect on peoples lives?

I learnt how to bake, and started an exercise regime JUST so I can eat more cake. And bacon.

BACON FLAVOURED CAKE! Must. Find Recipe. Now.

What was I talking about again?

Jelly xx

Nicole said...

I love your stuff - I have never laguhed so hard at anything I have ever read in my life - very funny! :)

bluzdude said...

Once again, here I sit with wet cheeks and a stomach ache.

God, those drawings are funny.

Jane said...

I was walking to the superstore near me when my brain suddenly conjured up an image of a young Paint-Allie squawking "Parp?" at her uncomprehending mother (see http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/09/party.html) and I broke into huge uncontrollable grins in the middle of the street. Passers-by were giving me a very wide berth indeed. You should come with a health/sanity warning!

Like Kristin, I will now go and peruse your latest offering... :D

Lou said...

"I put the dress on backwards just to make her life slightly more difficult."

You are such a DRAMA QUEEN! Love it.

Amanda said...

As a mother, I can't believe you are still alive after that day. I swear if you were one of my kids I would have killed you before you got to the cake, or at the very least wanted to kill you. Your poor, poor Mom. You should really buy her a big ass cake for Christmas. Want to know the best thinga bout buying someone else sweets for Christmas? Unless they are evil they have to share. Mmmm!

courtney said...

The best thing about reading your blogs is being the only one in the office laughing and then having everyone gather around you to read it too. Love your work!! Can't stop laughing at the cake story!

Anonymous said...

So funny. Even though half the other comments have said this, I have to say - your POOR mother!

Katie Lawter said...

I need to make this cake NOW.

Shauna (Fido and Wino) said...

That one made me properly laugh out loud.

Thank you for that :)

K.J.Pepper said...

*dies and is dead from rib bruising laughter*

That series of "... cake? cake! CAKE! CAKECAKECAKECAKECAKECAKECAKE CAKE IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS images" needs to be animated, lol.

Ricka said...

I laughed for about 5 minutes at the grumpy playtime face. And yes, cake totally has a gravitational force of its own. Thank god I'm not the only one that does this. Anything within a 50 foot radius must be inhaled AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE before anyone else eats it all. Oh Allie, I love you.

Anonymous said...

You are the only thing that gets me through super boring classes.

Make a story of how you and boyfriend met!

Amy said...

You have no idea how much I have missed your posts. I check multiple times everyday to see if you uploaded something new and I had a minor heart attack when I saw a that "The Party" wasn't the header today. That might be creepy but I'm fine with it. Thank you for something new to laugh at!!

lacrema said...

Holy man. Thank you for making me literally laugh aloud for several minutes straight. That Little-Allie-After-Cake frame was hysterical.

For real, I am so glad your posts are in my life.

miss manners said...

Y A Y ! !
I have never been so happy to hear from a person that i don't even know.

Laura said...

I read this story out loud to my husband, so he understands that keeping a woman away from the cake she needs is never a wise idea. He already knew that, but evidence is never a bad idea. Great as always, Allie!

Katrina said...

So glad there's a new post!

Liz said...

This is insanely hysterical! You need these to be published in a book.

Paula said...

Oh my God, Allie... I think I have never left a comment before (don't know exactly why -maybe because I'm only capable of saying 'I LOVE IT!' and that's just everyone else says?).

But now commenting is a must --I haven't read all of them, but this is possibly one of your best posts ever. Just the perfect combination of words and pictures; the tone is fantastic and the merciless God of Cake -whom I will always worship from this moment on- is completely adorable.

Long story short --CONGRATULATIONS:)

Kindest regards,
Paula

Wolfpack75 said...

I love reading your blog. I really needed that laugh today, it has been a crazy week. Thank you Allie.

Super LinZ said...

Hooray! What a glorious update! That totally reminds me of when I was six and my step-mom made a Unicorn cake for my birthday (lol actually she wasn't my step-mom until I was 10, but that's a long story)and I go apeshit about Unicorns but for some reason the only thing that came out of my mouth was "I don't like cake." And then my dad scolded me and told me she slaved away for hours making me this cake that was in the shape of a unicorn just for me so then all I remember from that birthday was incredible shame and guilt plus unicorn magic.

David said...

This is without a doubt the best post you have ever written. I was hyperventilating with laughter from the first panels all the way through to the end.

P.S. If you're a big fan of cakes I STRONGLY suggest you try "Banoffee Pie". It is the perfect combination of biscuit, banana, cream, toffee and chocolatey goodness!

Koci said...

Love, love, love, LOVE this post!

Although now I really want some cake...

Tim said...

Bravo to the God of Cake!. I fully expect to see a story about the Goddess of Pie in the near future!

Lily said...

I think you might have got the ages off, 14? But good post!!!

AniMation said...

I feel so bad for your mother. All that hard work, just vomited up on the floor that she has to clean up. And grandpa with no cake.

Erin said...

Cake is good.

Hilarious post. Fantastic drawings. (I think the drawing of fat Allie covered in frosting is my favorite.)

Anonymous said...

"My tiny body had morphed into a writhing mass of pure tenacity encased in a layer of desperation." I work with children, this happens often but I don't think it has ever been described so accurately! You crack me up! A new post makes me so happy and slightly crazed until I read it.

Wala said...

This was too funny!!! I have been waiting for the new post!! Thank you for being a sick puppy with great drawing ability!

CopperKaNikki said...

I REALLY want to bake you a cake now. :)

Kennedy's said...

Had a coworker who's 3 year old was a Frosted Flakes fiend! She let him has some as a potty training treat. She kept it on the 'fride because how can a 3 ft recent toddler get AAAALL the way up there? But! She walked into the kitchen to find her son kicked back on the 'fridge eating fistfulls of cereal. His response? "Hey Mom! I got on the fridge!"

Anonymous said...

You're the best Allie! I love the angry picture of you with your Trex ;)

Melissa said...

Oh how we've missed you! Awesome, as always!

ehalvey said...

Omg, I'm torn between wanting to be sick from the idea of devouring an entire cake and loving how dedicated and diabolical you were to get it!!!

Freaking hysterical!

FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com said...

Totally epic. I love this post..!!

For sure, we didn't even get a cake let alone the chance to attack it the way you did

e said...

To. Die. For.

Dee said...

lol, you were such an asshole kid.

C. Devine said...

Haaa, great story and illustrations!

I'm assuming you didn't accidentally eat any of the toothpicks holding the marshmallow animals together?

Timbo said...

TSHIRT, IMMEDIATELY!

"Cake?"

PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE

thanks for making me laugh.

Carly said...

You are actually my favorite person on Earth. <3 you way too much.

Carolyn said...

Let me tell you a story--when I was little, I wanted one cake for my birthday: a white cake with vanilla frosting and bananas. My mother said she would stay home and make me said cake. When she dropped me off for school that morning, there was cake batter waiting to be put in the oven. I was satisfied.

Jump forward to a few hours later, when I came home from school. The house smelled like cake, but there was no cake to be found. It was strange--I had people coming over for a party in an hour; where was my cake? I walked around the house looking for my mom, and then. I found it.

"It" was a plate with a fork covered in cake crumbs and frosting globules. "It" was also my mother's mouth, which was clean except for a small particle of cake hanging from her bottom lip.

She had eaten the entire cake. By herself. The whole day, that was all she did. She made my cake, and then she ate it.

Allie eats other people's cakes. My mother eats other people's cakes. Allie is my mother. (Not. But that would be awesome).

I nearly peed myself in class reading this post. Good job.

Raye Craig said...

I know for sure I went through a cake stealing phase...and it lasted for decades, but I perfected the stealthy slice technique, rather than the eat the whole thing and then be sick. Still, knowing I was to an extent like that and having two sons who are exactly like that, prone to total meltdown, I really do feel for your mom. It's great to see you back!

a400m_runner said...

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/TLX-jjxDu-I/AAAAAAAAD_A/za6qd74eLnU/s400/marshmallow54.png

That is the URL to the Rainbow picture. It would make an awesome shirt! Ms. Champion of the Internet!

cleo said...

lol. love! My mother tryed to step between food and me once and it didn't end up good either. It was hot dogs in my case.

I follow you! Looking forward to your next post.

bisous,

Anonymous said...

Normally I find your strips funny, but unlike the people passing it around, I did not this time. Even for a four year old, the behaviour is pretty deplorable, and maybe it's just that being a parent has sapped me of my ability to find bad behaviour amusing, or being a parent isn't really taken very seriously as it is, but I just don't find any humour in what an immense frustration and embarrassment this must have been to your mother.

say said...

love the stories and the drawings

MMBB said...

Bahahaha Funniest shit in the world! I think your mother deserves a medal lol

JAG said...

My fav. drawing is the I played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it. I too have worn this face. I spent last weekend introducing your blog to my family...they love you too and aeveryone can relate in one way or another. ;)

kmkat said...

As a parent, I find my sympathies entirely with your mother. (Sorry.) That didn't stop me from laughing, although part of my amusement was from the thought of you when you (probably eventually) have children and they torture you in the same way ;-)

Roslyn Duvall said...

This is why it says on the container of sucrose in the lab, "Keep out of reach of children." :D

Kitsune said...

OMG!
This post is simply amazing! But now I blame you 'cause I want cake NOW!!!

¬¬

tnd8863 said...

YAY, new post!!!!!!!

Jujube said...

Yay! So many awesome drawings in this one its hard to pick a favorite!
Playing vengefully, almost beating up grandma to get out of her arms, and of course, being caught with your mouth full! I think that last one takes the WIN!
I love your attention to detail, in both drawings and descriptions. Its the little head tilts and expressions that make me laugh out loud, and they make the story come alive!

Anonymous said...

Every single time I look at this blog, I end up laughing until I cry. Thank you for that!

Simone Says... said...

cake is the only thing worth living for. rendering of stuffed allie is priceless.

Coconuts said...

Absolutely & totally Amazingly hilarious! LOVE YOUR BLOG!

Solveig said...

Sweet Jesus! I just stumbled on your blog, and I've spent the last day reading your backlog. Too funny!

This post had me crying with laughter! Can't wait to see more! :D

CT said...

Haha! Great story, but the timing for me was most unfortunate. I just got finished making my husband a cake, having the cake crumble into a million pieces, and eating the whole thing (with the help of a friend) so I could make him a good cake. I settled down to relax and I found this. I think I will be the next to be vomiting up cake.

Angela said...

I so needed the laughs. Thank you.

And also, I thought you would have used the box in front of the fridge to climb up to to the cake. But I guess it was an open box. :-)

Lucy said...

I love how your child-self looks like a dead fish when defeated.

Should be Working... said...

Best use of and ITEC lesson ever! The teacher is not here so thought I would catch up with your latest blog. Man I really want to eat that cake!

L said...

again, typing through tears.
You get the best expressions on your little characters! It's incredible how much you are able to convey and how hard you make me laugh.
Thank you!

Jenn said...

Hilarious!

But I honestly don't know how you mother didn't leave you in a toy store at the mall and walk away.

Anonymous said...

I feel so sorry for your mother. How did she ever get through your childhood without heavy drinking? Love you, love your blog. Thanks for bringing smiles to me!

O'Phylia said...

I pictured you going all Speagle on the cake like:

"Myyyyy Preeeeciousssss"

morbid-curious said...

The cake is a lie!

Nope. In this case, the cake is Allie!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that this entry contains some of the best art in the universe.=

Tamara Mac said...

YOU'RE BACK!

This makes me so happy, but Come on, we need more updates on life-stuff! *Hugs* Where did you go? Where you on mars? do they play poker there? Did you play mars strip-poker? what do aliens look like naked?

*Snuggles post* We missed you

skin_art_junkie said...

This post, and the one that illustrated your childhood both remind me of my daughter. She is hell on wheels, and NOTHING stops her from getting what she wants. She also has freakish climbing abilities. She's also a blonde. I love your posts. Could I possibly borrow a few of your drawings to make into icons for my LiveJournal? I promise I'll credit you and everything. :D

Anonymous said...

YAY!!!! new post! I have been watching out for one for ages.

We need them daily =)

LOVE YOUR FREAKING BLOG!

Loz

Anonymous said...

this post is the best kind of birth control...never never never!

NZMoores said...

Awesome, but unfairly awesome, because depriving us of a post for a month is like, well, depriving a four year old cake fiend of her sugar fix. It's a very dangerous thing. And it upset the miners and their families in Chile. Who really needed cake, for energy and sustenance. And knives and forks to fight off the savage media jackals. Cake would have solved everything.

Jane said...

I'm laughing so hard, I almost peed my pants!!

HeatherM said...

Maaaan! Wow. Crazy kid-Allie!

How did your grandfather react when he learned you had eaten his ENTIRE cake?

This is so funny. I mean, I feel bad that you were so fixated on the cake, and all the throwing up you did after, but omg so funny!

Julie said...

My deepest sympathies to your mother.

And thanks for a major laugh after a really bad day.

indigo_tide said...

Does this mean you don't like pie?

DaisyJods said...

It's good to have you back!
This was awesome! I share the same inability to turn down sugar, and I'm amazed a 4 year old could wolf a whole cake!

Chrissy said...

LOL, I did this same thing at my foster sister's wedding.

Zip said...

You never EVER cease to crack me up. I always think that one time... you'll be ineffective. You are so therapeutic it's not even funny. Even when I've had a few drinks and feel dull, you still exercise my stomach muscles with mean relentless jabbing. Dear god, you are hilarious. Oh, it hurts.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh!! I haven't even read it yet but I had to comment because I'm so excited that there's a new post. That's all. And I'm sure it's going to be awesome because even scrolling through the drawings made me smile. :D

Katie-lady said...

Allie, I have never followed a blog before but I started reading yours a few weeks ago. You make me laugh so hard. But, seriously I think you are a brilliant comic & artist. Your drawings are getting better all the time & show so much emotion. It's very inspiring. I feel like I need to get out there & pick up my stories & art again. Thank you for all your work! You are a gem :)

Nicole said...

Ahhhh, cake.

Sugar might have been the single largest motivating force of my childhood. I would eat it out of my mother's Clarice Cliff sugarbowl with a spoon, if no more processed form was available. My health-food-obsessed mother would try just about anything to stop me, and I'd wind up eating five-year-old sprinkles from the back of the cupboard.

Imagine my joy when I finally left home and discovered *you can just buy a cake*. It doesn't have to be anybody's birthday. You just go and give someone with cake some money, then scream "CAKE!!!!" and mash your face into the middle of it.

There is one small question I have, though - I'm curious about the fate of the toothpicks in the animals. Did you spare them, or eat them also?

Casey said...

that cake looks DELICIOUS!
I had similar hyperactivity as a child, specifically the climbing everything hyperactivity. My mom tricked me and told me I was allergic to caffeine and sugar. It worked until I grew wise to her.

Elisabeth said...

Please, PLEASE post more. haha I love this. So so much

Wendy said...

So needed this. I used to pray to the Spaghetti Monster, but now.... ah now I pray to a higher power. The God of Cake.

Ms. Pafoofnic said...

Will you pleeeeeeeease make a cartoon and air it on Comedy Central and/or some other funny channel? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

caitria said...

i cannot believe you have almost 400 comments in about 3 and a half hours. You are so lucky. And you always make me laugh, you definitely deserved the cake after all that. :]

meriberrie said...

THANK YOU FOR THE NEW POST!!! You inspire me Alot :D

Chad said...

"I played vengefully for the rest of the afternoon."

I love you. That is all

Esri Rose said...

Whenever I go to a wedding, I spend the entire time waiting for the cake. "Love, forever, blah, blah, blah. Weddings are great. They always splurge on butter-cream frosting. I hope it's the kind with different fillings in each layer."

ambette said...

Oh I've waited so long for this post! The wait was entirely worth it!

Hahaha - gold!

Anonymous said...

CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Tori said...

alli.... i love you. plain and simple.

GAAAHHHH I ALMOST DIED YOU TOOK SO LONG TO POST I WAS ABOUT TO LAUNCH A SEARCH AND RESCUUUEEEEE

:D

Anonymous said...

I'm certain that, if something like this happened to me, I would get hyper but would not get the cake because you are totally awesome.

Pauline said...

Not only hilarious but an accurate account of a sugar addicted child. You could be writing about one of my grand-daughters. Once, in desperation to keep her from finding out where the sweets were I told her I'd thrown them out into the big tree in the yard. When I went to investigate the silence she was at the top of the tree - she was just 2.5 years old. We had to call the fire brigade to get her back down and even the excitement of the rescue did nothing to allay her bad mood at not finding the sweets.
Thanks for a wonderful post!

Karlene Duarte said...

I was waiting so long for your new post...What do your grandparents say? I died laughing with the drawings.
Kisses

Anonymous said...

I hope you're planning on compiling a book full of memoirs and short stories -- you have a fantastic literary voice. Rival David Sedaris!

Jaime said...

When I was younger my mother banned me from sugar and junk food because *I was totally capable of doing just this.* She gave up after a while; I started eating sugar out of the sugar bowl and sprinkles and other such things from the spice cabinet. I once ate an entire bottle of those edible silver balls you put on cakes. I think she finally decided that the possibility of me eating an entire cake was preferable to the reality of me eating sugar with a spoon.

Incidentally, I DO have a lot of cavities now that no one monitors my sugar consumption, including a very worrisome toothache in my back right wisdom tooth. :(

Love your blog - hilarious as always! :)

Melanie H. said...

"...retch up another rainbow of sweet, semi-digested success." I'm pretty sure I'm never eating cake again -- especially if it's rainbow colored!

Thanks for the post Allie - hilarious! lol

Anonymous said...

Your stories make me happy. Thank you.

venusrain said...

I AM SO LIKE THIS only with caramel and starburst instead of cake.

hnnnnngh, carameeeellllllll. I've been known to devour half a bag in one sitting and still want more. I also get quite determined when I know there are sweets in the house but I can't find them. As in, turn the kitchen upside-down determined. CANDY IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS *flail*

Anonymous said...

Thankyou, Lord!

I was starting to worry - you might be living it up in LA land, writing film scripts and having your toes sucked by sycophants...

You're not, by any chance, related to my youngest child, are you?

Don't lie - you clearly ARE. So, give me some tips on ensuring that sugar is no longer his main food group?


Without all the screaming and roaring and physical violence, I mean.

And without the use of gaffer tape.

(Love you, love your pix, love your blog - don't ever leave us!!)

randomriter said...

firstly: OHMYGOD ALLY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!

secondly: if u actually read all 360 comments in between your rpost and my comment then congratulations, and consider yourself officially the master of all concentration and undestractableness ever. (btw, sound it out, its kind of a word.)

thirdly: things that are awesome include cake, you, koalas, and rainbows. you covered three out of four. for this you win.



btw, any idea how to use a picture for your name-thing?

Gibsonbabyicon said...

OMG I am cracking up so hard over here!!!! I had almost a similar situation >_< but the drawings make your story all the more enjoyable...

lucifer said...

oh my god.

The Original Drama Mama said...

thank you for this, I needed a laugh after the day I have had today! This was awesome. Now get out of the way so I can have my f-ing cake ;)

katiev said...

ha! whoa, that swirling vortex of self perpetuating cake mania gave me vertigo. but that's pretty much what it feels like!

Britts said...

I absolutely loved this post and I wanted you to know that when I read your entries they always bring a smile to my face and inspire me. Also, my boyfriend completely agrees that this is just like me now. I have fought him for cookies before. He started hiding them in his dorm where I couldn't find them unless I asked nicely.Probably because I always took 3 instead of one. And I eat brownies until I'm in pain if they're there. Otherwise people will eat them! haha

Keep on being inspirational by doing what you love. Thanks for lighting up my day with this entry.

P.S. I would definitely buy a shirt with the picture of you fat from eating the cake on it :)

Annie said...

I had a scarily similar experience with cream cheese mints at my dad's cousin's 80th birthday, puking and all! So, so funny!

Catstina said...

I missed you, Allie! Thank you for this awesome post! Hope the apartment search went/is going well! Thanks for making me laugh out loud again!

Patty said...

This is absolutely fa....well I don't want to be redundant. You know the drill.

Patty said...

This is absolutely fa....well I don't want to be redundant. You know the drill.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. You made me remember my own cake incident and made a really bad day SOOO much better.

My mom finally gave me keeping me from my cake. I was 3. She spread a tarp on the floor, but the cake in the middle and loosed me on it. There was cake EVERYWHERE! And one very very happy, filthy child in the middle in sugar heaven.

Anonymous said...

Though I found this post funny I was not impressed. I'm sorry but I couldn't get over the fact of how much of a hell-ian you are! lol! For the most part I love you but this one time I don't :P

Wolverine Girl said...

Adults can be strange creatures sometimes. How could anyone create a frosting slathered marshmallow animal park and not realise that their kid would want it more than anything they had ever wanted in the history of the entire universe? At four if it was cute and sweet, it had to be mine. Boring stuff was for adults, they could have an uniced fruitcake or a plate of veggies or something, but the pink girly icing and lollies were for meeeeeeeeee!

Mariya Olshevska said...

Hilarious!

Nikki said...

thank you for giving me a place i can direct people to when im trying to explain what cake/sugar does to me :)

Laurie Brown said...

Oh, gawd! I laughed so hard I started wheezing and my chest hurt. That is fucking hilarious!!! YOU GOT THE CAKE!!!!

Kate said...

Jesus H. Christ.

Allie, you are the funniest person on the planet.

Loved, loved, loved this story. Possibly more than the fish story.

Burton (Beau) Williams said...

Awesome stuff... I've been compulsively checking for new material. This didn't disappoint!!!

dog geek said...

BTW, thankyou for the donate button... only it took me a while to find it, and I have wanted to support you in your cosmic greatness for WEEKS!

So now I am REALLY REALLY happy - new post AND I finally sent you a concrete token of how much I want you to keep writing this blog.

(I love you, and cherish your mother's EXTREME graciousness in allowing you to grow to adulthood... if you were my kid I'da lost it and deafened you with screaming angsty bad-mothering).

MonsteRawr said...

Your poor mother. Your poor, poor mother.

In all fairness, though, I know the feeling. Last week I suddenly had this urge in which I HAD to have Swedish Fish, and NOTHING would stop me. I actually drove to the grocery store, bought a massive bag of Swedish Fish, got back in my car, and sat in the car and ate the entire bag. Because I'm classy like that.

DalaHorse said...

Your posts are so totally insane.....makes me wander back to my thoroughly dysfunctional childhood.....and all the crap I pulled because I could! My favorite part was the little animals on top of it made of marshmellows....who does that? ME.... (and your oh so abused mom) on a day where i have lots of time.... and an abundance of creative brain wave activity and toothpicks...I'm always throwing them away when I clean on rare occassions. I have no idea how the toothpicks get in the house! Such a bad little girl post!
☠☠☠

brennannaphone said...

This reminds me of how my dad used me to get back at my mom for some fight they'd had. Here was his plan: about an hour before he dropped me off at her house he took me to the candy store and let me go ballistic. By the time he dropped me off I was a little candyfied suicide bomber, detonating in my mothers arms. The difference, however, between me and a suicide bomber (besides not literally exploding and killing things) was that I continued to explode, long long into the night. How my father thought this was justice I have no idea, the point is, I now have self restraint.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant as usual!

carriekhansen said...

The 12th, 13th, and 14th panels really made it work! Great job!

My daughter is four, almost five. Thank you so much for taking me inside the processes which surely must be occurring from time to time in her mind.

Anonymous said...

I completely lost it at "I ate the entire cake." Genius and frickin hilarious work once again. I never tire of reading these

Ash said...

LMAO. JUST LMAO.
SO good.
I lol'd so hard I fell off my chair.
I've been doing that a lot, what with having glued one eye closed. Throws your balance off. XD

Craziebaci said...

I don't know if anyone has said this yet: the cake is a LIE! If you don't know what that means, go look up Portal. However, Lucky for all of us who have been checking your site everyday for a new post, your cake actually exists! Yay, cake!

Johnny Utah said...

So... Are you just remembering pictures of yourself? How do you remember when you were four? It's ok because I do that sometimes too. We had horses at our house when we kids for a birthday party, but I'm pretty sure I just remember the pictures :)

Carrie Miller said...

My question is: when did cake learn to talk and how does it know my name?

mrsdano said...

I cannot get over you throwing yourself at the box and then the resulting crumpled body on the floor. I have checked your blog everyday since "The Party" and although slightly disappointed at there not being a new post, I would say Parp! and reread it and laugh hysterically. Now I have two to read while I wait impatiently for the next post. Thanks for your awesomeness :) Especially since today I felt like (:::) (I believe that was a mother weiner dog).

Gabrielle said...

I always did the "They would be sorry if I died right now" bit. Whenever my sibs were mean or my parents wouldn't let me have something I would spend hours imaging horrible fates that could happen to me, and how sorry they all would be. :D

Maru said...

This reminds me so much of something my little sister would have done at around that age. It's scary how immensely devious and determined little kids are when they want something. o_o

rkmama said...

I have a question, is your mom still alive? And if she is has she been knighted or been made pope or something? Because I fear I have produced a spawn very similar to little Allie and am secretly scared for my life. I take solace in the fact that you have made it to adulthood, are not in jail (though you were MIA for a month or so there...)and write hilarious things on the internet. I can only pray things go as well for my daughter.

Miss Hiss said...

So, do you sometimes have to call your mom up and say "Hey Mom, I've run out of stuff to blog about. Can you jog my memory about the other crazy shit I did as a child? I seem to be repressing a great deal of it." Because I would totally have to do that.

Anny said...

This is the best story in the history of EVER!

Christopher said...

mmmmmm cake

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