Adventures in Depression

Some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. I just woke up one day feeling sad and helpless for absolutely no reason.


It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears."

But my sadness didn't have a purpose.  Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn't really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason.


Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness.

And for a little bit, that was a good enough reason to pity myself.


Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. "That will do," I thought. "I've had my fun, let's move on to something else now." But the sadness didn't go away.

I tried to force myself to not be sad.


But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.  A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work. 


When I couldn't will myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. In a final, desperate attempt to regain power over myself, I turned to shame as a sort of motivational tool.

 

But, since I was depressed, this tactic was less inspirational and more just a way to oppress myself with hatred.


Which made me more sad. 


Which then made me more frustrated and abusive.


And that made me even more sad, and so on and so forth until the only way to adequately express my sadness was to crawl very slowly across the floor.


The self-loathing and shame had ceased to be even slightly productive, but it was too late to go back at that point, so I just kept going. I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions with a constant stream of abuse.


I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for "just a second" because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn't continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn't completed that journey. But who cares - it wasn't like I had been showering regularly and sitting on a pile of clothes isn't necessarily uncomfortable. But even if it was, I couldn't feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn't matter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.


Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul.

I couldn't even muster up the enthusiasm to hate myself anymore.


I just drifted around, completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all.


If my life was a movie, the turning point of my depression would have been inspirational and meaningful. It would have involved wisdom-filled epiphanies about discovering my true self and I would conquer my demons and go on to live out the rest of my life in happiness.

Instead, my turning point mostly hinged upon the fact that I had rented some movies and then I didn't return them for too long.

The late fees had reached the point where the injustice of paying any more than I already owed outweighed my apathy. I considered just keeping the movies and never going to the video store again, but then I remembered that I still wanted to re-watch Jumanji.

I put on some clothes, put the movies in my backpack and biked to the video store. It was the slowest, most resentful bike ride ever.


And when I arrived, I found out that they didn't even have Jumanji in.

Just as I was debating whether I should settle on a movie that wasn't Jumanji or go home and stare in abject silence, I noticed a woman looking at me weirdly from a couple rows over.


She was probably looking at me that way because I looked really, really depressed and I was dressed like an eskimo vagrant.

Normally, I would have felt an instant, crushing sense of self-consciousness, but instead, I felt nothing.



I've always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. And finally - finally - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji.

I felt invincible.


And thus began a tiny rebellion.


Then I swooped out of there like the Batman and biked home in a blaze of defiant glory.


And that's how my depression got so horrible that it actually broke through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton.

4,237 comments:

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sairalalala said...

Thankyou, I laughed and cried, I've read this post 3 times now..and will probably read again...first time I found your site and I am really glad I did.

Lissa said...

Find someone to talk to and just dump everything on them. And keep talking. It helps more than anything. I lived with it for 8 years, and am finally happy again. You'll make it. Just don't give up. I've missed you lots, just like the 2817 posters before me and countless others who didn't post.

Hang in there Allie!!! *big massive hugs*

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. You've helped me explain the feelings that I didn't know how to. Maybe now I can show people this post and they will understand :)

Tracy Boyd said...

Love your comics but this one was different than your normal, hilarious stories. Not bad, just different.

Good job finding yourself on the other side. Super glad you found your way out of the spiral of despair. Usually, no one judges us as much as we judge ourselves. One of my favorite quotes is "be gentle to yourself"

So happy to see you posting again! Tell your evil monster of depression he has a gazillion people that hate him and will come after him if he makes an appearance again.

Garry said...

New post makes me happy. :D

<3

Miranda said...

YES. That's EXACTLY how I felt a month ago! Now I'm in the, "invincible" phase, and it's pretty amazing. :D

~Miranda

Katy said...

Thank you so much. What strikes me again and again about your work is its honesty; it seems to me that this particular comic breaks through to a new level of greatness precisely because of that. It's brilliant; it does what art at its best does: Connects, in its poignant, funny, sad beauty

Thank you again.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say thank you for this post. (And for all of your work, which is - no hyperbole - awesome.) I've been feeling a mild version of what you described for a while now, and your post not only struck a chord, but woke me up to the useless self-loathing/arguing I've been inflicting on myself. It made me feel better than I have in a long time.

Bring on the exoskeleton! I think I'll skip the Skittles, though.

May said...

The end picture reminded me of the end of City of Angels. Anyone?

Standing for Something said...

I'm not sure why I'm laughing at this. :) It's funny, I guess. What I mean to say is, it's life........

Nathalie said...

I love your blog!! I have a "simple-minded" cat and I laugh so much reading your posts, specially the ones that include your "simple-minded" dog. I now tell everyone how they have to be nice to Heathcliff (simple-minded cat, which makes it such a waste of a literary name, he's nothing like the character)and so I tell everyone to be nice to him, 'cause in his mind is all circles and triangles and making a towel his home. I'm glad to see you're back!
Beijos,
Nathalie.

Anonymous said...

welcome back allie!!!!! :D

tameingraleat said...

*hugs*

You are extraordinary.

Unknown said...

What happened when you saw the horror movie with a huge sugar high?

Lauren said...

Been there, and it sucks like a Dyson. In fact, I started this morning in a downward spiral, convincing myself that I was the lamest, most friendless human on the planet. Then I read your post, and it reminded me that I had made huge strides away from that really scary dark place, and feeling happy is possible. Thank you! You're awesome!

Anonymous said...

This was amazing. Sad but funny at the same time. I hope you're ok! I haven't got to the I'm awesome phase yet.

Treiale said...

I laughed because I CAN RELATE SO. FUCKING. MUCH.
Jesus fuck the amount of relating here is so intense that if you could bottle it, it would destroy the bottle and then end up seeping into the fibres of all our food and children and then they'd all relate to each other and THIS IS WHY THE WORLD WILL END, ALLIE, BECAUSE I CAN RELATE TO THIS POST TOO MUCH.

Anonymous said...

I've loved your blog for ages, and I am glad to see that you are back. I went through something similar recently and its great to see that you made it through the other side. I hope the feeling sticks with you!

Anonymous said...

d'aw D:. Dun be sad!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're back. My friends and I all missed you. Walk on.

Marianne said...

Dang, you've hit a nerve, haven't you? :\ Breaking through to IDGAF (I Don't Give a F***) is freeing. Now I can tell people what I really think, and see in people's eyes who's already been on some kind of journey to hell and back. They're honest and have little tolerance for B.S.

The tradeoff is that life is a bit less fun, and scary in new ways, but that means I appreciate the truly great things more. LIKE YOUR BLOG. You are a gift!

Anonymous said...

This was actually really depressing to read... Do cheer up man. Find the beat again!

Dave said...

As someone who suffers from self-loathing and deep bouts of depression, I want to thank you for sharing your journey with us. Together we can make it through the shadow lands.

chalsley said...

thank you for posting this :)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry this happened to you and hope the future is increasingly brighter.

Rachel Dlouhy said...

i can totally relate. for the past year or so i've been like that. i've been recovering from anorexia, and when my friends found out they started avoiding me, so i spent all my free time in my room thinking "what's the point?" i'm still kind of there right now, but maybe i'll have to go to the video store to change that :). thanks so much ally!

Anonymous said...

i am so glad i found you today. i can't stop reading! please don't ever leave again!

Lauren C said...

Although I am thrilled that you were able to get out of your depression on your own, it should be noted that not everyone will have that capability. Some people will need to talk to a doctor to discuss the option of taking meds. There is nothing wrong with taking medication for depression, it's a brain problem and a brain problem needs meds to be fixed. If someone has been feeling depressed for more than two weeks straight, please go see a doctor. We just want you to be happy.

Rin Liddel said...

Oh I know this feeling all too well... Usually just the sheer fact that I have to go to work is enough to force my brain to break out of the death spiral, but sometimes it doesn't make a clean break >.<

Debra DeAngleo said...

This was FABULOUS! I wish you were writing for us!!!!
www.ipinion.us....

If you're interested... get in touch with me!

Anonymous said...

Thank you. I needed something like this today.

Catherine said...

You're amazing. Keep it up.. And we can't wait to hear more and praise you more and maybe give you presents once we get paychecks. <3

Anonymous said...

You are my hero x 10000! This post is depression, how it feels, how we try to cope, and how we survive. The paralyzing apathy and horrendous self-hatred. I want to get this entire post tattooed on my face. Anyway, I could go on gushing forever but I'll wrap this up by saying that you are AWESOME, you made my day, and that you are NOT alone. I also want to add that reading your blog is one way that I kill my depression by making it feel more helpless than your doggies when your put booties on them. I'm off to write a post gushing about you now. Keep up surviving the best way you can. You may not feel worthy of your pain but I hope you feel worthy of the good things, at least sometimes, because you help a shitload of us laugh through the struggles of life. :)

Matthew said...

So happy to see a new post. I check this site almost daily, you know. >:D
Can't wait for the book! I'm gonna buy the SHIT out of it.

Anonymous said...

You CAN get better!
:-)

AbsurdWebLingo said...

Thing of the day: Blogspot. Rating: NOT AWESOME.

Dear Blogspot,
I have been reading Allie Brosh for quite awhile now, in fact I may or may not use some of her drawings to spice up some of my posts on Facebook. When they are in order, they make for witty, intelligent, and all-around super awesomeness. When I post them not in chronological order they make for hilarious amounts of confusion that I personally enjoy. Now, I have recently rededicated myself to blogging as NaNoWriMo is upcoming and I now have inspiration to be writing more posts. I was recently posting ALL THE THINGS! (well not all) that I have had stored up and been too lazy to post when a bolt of lightening shot down, hit me in the head, and invigorated my brain. I should subscribe to Allie Brosh's blog. Brilliance, I know. And only two years late! When:
Sudden horrifying mean message that I do not believe. "I am sorry this blog is currently at the maximum amount of subscribers (50 bajillionkazillion and 4) please try again later"

*jaw dropping, sad face expressed to the fullest extent*

Not cool. Not cool at all. You my blogspot friend may be the Arch-Nemesis that I have recently decided I will be requiring in my life although I preferred this to be a human, you have moved to the top of the list. You may see me attempting a single man revolt that will no doubt go unnoticed. We are not friends. Once that fails I will be starting a FreeHyperboleandaHalfCampaign.tv yes... .tv are you scared yet blogspot? Good, you have been warned. Did I just make a blogpost on someone else's blog, I feel as though this ran long and blogspot is going to tell me I used too many characters. If not, that's round one to blogspot. Round two to me. Carry on everyone, and watch out for the evil that is Blogspot.

Paul said...

It always makes my day to read anything you've written, Allie. Even when it provokes mood whiplash:

"Yay! Allie Brosh wrote a new post!"

...(reads)...

"Damn. Allie is sad. Brilliant as ever, but sad. Also she is an invincible badass robot girl."

Depression is brutal, and I sincerely hope you're past the worst of it. I tried to think of something I could do to help, but with only a comment box to work with, my options were limited. So as a show of solidarity, I touched a spider.

Get well Allie.

Charlie McCheekster said...

so much silliness and fun - love it!

Sara said...

WOW, this was my summer as well (although I did have a few legitimate reasons to be depressed...)
Quick story time (and by "quick", I mean "probably really rambly"): A friend of mine committed suicide over the summer, then there came a sudden breakup, then that ex-boyfriend also tried to take his own life (but, fortunately, did not succeed and got better).
And I sat at home and felt pathetic because while, yes, those things were rather tragic and sad, there were people- like you posted- who suffer from disease and have pets that die and families that die and all these things that are so much worse. And I did a lot of yelling at myself "WHY ARE YOU SO DRAMATIC? YOU ACT LIKE YOUR LIFE IS OVER AND IT'S NOT. STOP IT." So, I understand about that part (if it makes you feel any better).

Also, I'm so so so glad you're back and stay strong, you hilarious woman. And stay away from those spiders.

Maria said...

I have so been there, Allie. So. Been. There. Right down to the self-loathing inner dialogue. I didn't want to take an antidepressant because the inner dialogue went BALLISTIC over the idea that I couldn't just deal with life without drugs like some kind of wimp. I finally gave in. Did the antidepressant fix me? Alas, no. But it did give me a little emotional breathing space, that little boost I needed to climb up out of the hole I was in. I got through it, and you will too.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting this! I've totally been there! Went to the doctor and it turned out my inexplicable depression was a vitamin D deficiency. A few weeks of taking the calcium/vit d supplement Caltrate and I was good as new and back to laughing at your blog instead of staring at it dully. :) Might want to check your vitamin levels too just in case.

Kala said...

I don't know what exactly to say, except that you're an exceptional human being. You're funny and smart and driven and even when you don't think that you can, you prevail. And that's wonderful. I've struggled with depression and, moreover, anxiety and they've both ruled my life at various times. Living with that has made me even happier that you've overcome this, even if its only an individual bout. Keep on blogging and keep on being as great as you are.

clara said...

that was fucking glorious. it was like you just imploded in a blaze of big-bang-esque glory, and now you're back. and it doesn't matter if you don't write a post for another six years because you are invincible and can do whateverthefuck you want! BLAMO!!
thanks for making my day

SarahJay said...

I may be crying right now after reading this, but I am TOTALLY going to go out and buy some skittles. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Welcome back!!!!! Love the new post. I know a few folks I'm gonna share this with

thispersonisamongus said...

I'm on a fence. I find this insanely funny, but also fairly depressing. so on one side I could be an asshat and stick with funny and on the other I could feel sad.

after an internal struggle, I have chosen sad asshat.

Anonymous said...

Just want to say that I somehow feel very connected to you by having the same situation, even with the same little details, as in your story.

It's hard to get help, because just as you wrote, the understanding of that we can just to get through this is helping ourselves, which is not easy at the same time.

Sorry for my bad english, I'm german ;-)

Marie Rearden said...

Love beyond words! That is all.

Unknown said...

Loved your comics for ages now- and it really touched me to read this- excellently written - thank you.

Anonymous said...

I was REALLY SUPER EXCITED to see you had posted again! I hope you are doing ok. I really love your blog and I share your stories about your dogs with pretty much everyone because they make me laugh EVERY TIME i read them and I want to share the joy :)
I hope you are feeling better and I'm looking forward to your book. We missed you!

Anonymous said...

Do you realize that you may be Bipolar? And that meds really help? Flipping from Depression to Mania is a symptom of bipolar disorder (Believe me, I know!), and that you won't stay in the Mania phase forever, you will end up depressed again. Please get help.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear sweet girl, I felt so sad for you. In Oz we call depression the "black dog". It's a sod that goes in it's own time. Smiles from across the pond

Sarah said...

Thankyou for posting this about depression. It's a horrible thing, but I like to think it targets the strongest people. We can both do anything :D Take care and enjoy the skittles....taste the rainbow!

Anonymous said...

when i looked at the time it shined past 12 i knew my only choice was to let myself. i couldn't understand the fear that it embellished nor the reason in my heart, it felt like a fetish. But as i read your story at first it was boring then it turned into a butterfly, a tear ran down my eye. this sight i thought was lost is found again and it is thanks to you that i feel whole again.

Anonymous said...

On your bike, you look like a shark. A visual of one of my worst fears. Mobile sharks.

Kate said...

First- you've always been funny as hell, but to hear you speak candidly about the fact that your life isn't always hilarious and that, in fact, you have problems too, is really wonderful. I relate, and I appreciate the insight. Second, I'm jealous of your breakthrough. I'm waiting for this to happen to me. I usually get to the "Judge me if you want, I don't give a shit," point, but then I usually just feel really resentful and angry. I want to feel invincible too! Fingers crossed, I guess.

Anonymous said...

hey-- this was heart wrenching to read how much pain you were in. I'm thrilled the depression lifted. I hope you know there are people who care about others who are enduring such devastating feelings. Please don't endure the pain alone. Reach out to your friends, your family, a crisis line-- 1.800.SUICIDE. your church, your medical provider, a counselor, wherever.

Having battled depression before, I know reaching out is the last thing we feel like doing. Please break through that apathy and talk to someone.

Anonymous said...

Hey, It's the first time I leave a comment here, but I have actually read your blog for a month or so now. I love it :3 The way you draw makes it impossible to not know what the little cartoon-you feels. I especially liked that one "nothing can do anything to me"-picture. It's totally motivational and inspireing in a way, I feel a bit sad too right now, about my life situation. It's silly really because nobody died or anything, but I guess you have to have some low's before you notice the high's.
Anyways, I really love this blog! Sincerely, one of your danish fans :)

Caerdwyn said...

You've accomplished something significant here, and not just for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Allie,
Thank you for posting this. I feel like this totally sums up my feelings of what's been happening to me over the past few months. I love you and you are one of my heroes! Stay strong, and we'll do the same.

I think I can speak for everyone here when we say we all love and support you.

<3

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that while I've always loved your blog (really, the simple dog should meet my simple cat) this in particular made me smile. I've struggled with Bi Polar disorder for a long time, and so I could really relate; sometimes you feel as though you're all alone, or at least I do, and now I have proof to myself that I can always go back to that there are other people like me and we can get through it; all it takes are horror movies and skittles. Good thing it's almost Halloween!

s said...

Thank you for making that. It was amazing!!!

Fuzzy Izmit said...

I have missed you and I have also struggled with depression. I am so glad to hear you have come out the other side. If you feel yourself slipping again, I suggesting getting a therapist. They are wonderful tools in helping beat depression if a trip to the video store doesnt do it for you the next time :)

Anonymous said...

That was sad but great at the same time. I'm glad you picked yourself back up! :)

msbanana said...

I want to hug you for 2 reasons, 1)OMG new post!!! YAY!!!! and 2) soooooo sad. :(

BUT now that you can do anything you can kick depression in the ball and tell it to go fuck itself. Because now you don't care... you're kind of like Honey badger!

Oh and just because you're invincible... touching spiders still isn't recommended. They're still hairy, venomous, fanged soul sucking monsters.

Glad you're back!

CIF said...

maybe you'll find some kindred thoughts in my blog :)

http://expansian.blogspot.com/

Mariel Sorlien said...

I feel like crying and laughing all at once. Your writing is so wonderful, funny, brave and honest; it's good to have you back. I'm glad you came through the other side and hope you stay invincible.

Anonymous said...

FUCK YES.

And then she was back.

to kick ass.

Rae said...

I'm glad to see you back, and it's very apparent I'm not the only one. The bigger struggles in life always make us stronger in the end, as long as we don't surrender to them. You are loved, Allie, and you aren't alone. <3

Anonymous said...

I want to send you an alot of love.

Anonymous said...

Were you able to touch a spider?

treadpath said...

Dear Allie,

When I read this, it gave me chills. That was a new experience, since usually when I read your stuff, I laugh really hard which causes me to wet my pants. You'd think I'd expect that by this point and only read your blog pantsless in the bathtub, but I just figured that solution out right now.

Anyway, what I'm saying is--YES. Thank you for writing this post about depression. I am sorry about your depression. Depression sucks and nobody should have to have it. But what you've created out of the horribleness that is depression is magnificent. I plan to refer people to your post when I feel they are not adequately understanding my depression, or depression in general.

I hope depression leaves you alone and that you have lots of awesome feelings soon!!! I also look forward to wetting my pants because of you in the near future (please do not feel obligated--I reread your archives frequently to wetten myself).

All my best and much gratitude,
Janna

P.S. Spiders feel softer and squooshier than they look. Also, some of them are a little furry! Something to look forward to when you touch that spider. :)

Jake said...

I adore you!!

Anonymous said...

I think it's probably all been said already considering there are almost 3,000 comments but this hit me so close to home that I had to leave a comment. I'm not really sure what to say except it's nice that even cool people feel this way too and that you really really inspired me. Thanks.

Stephanie said...

Depression sucks and you are awesome. It is not easy to put behind you, but I'm very happy to see a new post, especially one so honest and scary to write!

Anonymous said...

I know you probably won't read this comment but I wanted to thank you for writing this one. I know exactly how you feel...and it made me laugh a little at how it is. I hope you feel better <3 Also, I sent this comic to friends to help them understand what I feel...so thank you. We love you.

Pancake said...

Allie, I love you.

Not you being depressed. Nobody wants to see you depressed, and it makes me sad when your depressed, so I hope you get over it soon.

I love how you've somehow overcome your fear of bikes just to go to the video store, and conveniently forgotten what scary movies do to you.

I'd like to see an 'Allie all hyper on Skittles' post, just to share the laughs with someone other than the inside of my head.

Clarinnis said...

Totally been there... The depression spiral is just as sneaky as a hate spiral. Thank's for being open and honest about it...

DB Stewart said...

I am now visualizing myself with an exoskeleton. I needed that. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

She has officially run out of fucks to give.

silence said...

Omg, I feel like you've been inside my head for the last week or so. You have a SUPER RARE gift for describing these issues so accurately!!! and still making it funny.

That said, I'm sorry you've been going through depression too. (((lots of hugs)))). hopefully the invincible Batman phases stays around a Long time. :)

Anonymous said...

Yep, that's how depression feels like. If you beat it, you become Cato the Younger.

Been there.

Although, those who don't beat it... well, it gets ugly and tougher with time.

Franny Kromminga said...

Please never feel this way again. WE LOVE YOU! And know that you are a huge role model for posting this. I admire it so, so much.

Ryan said...

I've been checking your blog all summer hoping for new posts. Every week or couple of weeks or so, I'd be on the computer and something in my brain would be like "maybe there's a post now," and I'd go look and feel a vague sense of disappointment at the ":D Guess what?" at the top of the page.
When I was told that a new post was up, and I heard it was about depression, it made me kind of sad because I had a feeling that the wait for posts had something to do with that. I think a lot more people go through "I just want to sit in my room and not think about things because shit sucks" periods than we think, and I think that, even if it's just a desire to rent Jumanji that pulled you out of it, that's still pretty badass. Congrats on being a champion, and even if you end up in a situation like this again, just remember that feelings don't permanently alter so easily and that you've won this battle before. Sorry this is long and that I'm a complete stranger and whatnot, but I wanted to wish you good luck and say that I'm glad you posted again.

Katie said...

I know that you've gotten a thousand "me too!" comments, but I'd like to add mine.

After a lifetime of being the happiest person in any group I had an anxiety attack that last 12 twelve days. I'm slowly recovering with the help of medication, counselling and running/yoga.

I loved the part about not feeling anything, it's truly feels like you've used up every emotion. You dont hate, you dont cry, you dont do anything. You kinda feel like a ghost.

I promise if you dont already feel better, you will, very slowly. You'll also still feel sad sometimes, but you can do it!

c:

Anonymous said...

that was me last year... recently I've been getting all sorts of egotistical, try and watch out for that

Claire said...

Happens init. It's the price the awesome have to pay for being so fucking awesome. True story. I know a disproportionate amount of bipolar / depressed / adhd / anxiety / ptsd types (seriously, it's like we're attracted to each other, we should have a secret handshake or something) and every single one of them is fabulous. Like glitter and mirror balls are fabulous, but times 1000. Buuut when things go tits up, no one does it quite like we do.

Basically what I'm trying to say, and someone in the 3000 comments above has probably already said it but fuck it, I'm here now, I'm gonna say it anyway; You're not alone. After the pit comes the numbness which at least enables you to function, then after the numbness, eventually, and fuck me it takes a while, eventually the feeling returns. Oh, yeah, and if you wanna do the talking thing, despite the fact you haven't got a fucking clue who I am, I'm more than happy to do the talking thing with ya.

And anyway. Mentally ill? Bitch puh-leeze, we're mentally fucking interesting!

Caroline said...

Thank you for your courage in writing this post, and thank you for trusting us to receive it with respect.
What a pleasure to read something that so brilliantly captures the experience of depression, combined with something that can only be described as "uniquely Allie". It was perfect.
I hope you know how many people you have affected, in a wonderful way, because of this post.
Alot of love,
Caroline

Lori said...

What a fantastic way to describe depression, so so SO sorry you've been having to deal with this. It gets better, and then worse, and then better again. . .

Take care of yourself and keep posting!

Anonymous said...

I hit this point when I was 13. I'm 23 now and I still don't give a shit. The power of apathy is incredible.

mia said...

Allie, you are as talented and snarky as ever! I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

Owl said...

Tears were streaming down my face as I was reading this. You don't ever give up. Ok?

Anonymous said...

I could type anything in here, like the name of my dog or a recipe for squid pizza. Instead I will tell you that you have gotten me and one kid through some dark, dark days. I hope you enjoyed the Skittles.

Also, I thought it said "horny movie."

Kat Clinkscales said...

I went through three weeks of this and just got out of it a few days ago. I didn't end up invincible though...dammit.

Anonymous said...

Vit A Min De Fi Cien CYyyyyyyyyyYYYY

Thiago said...

Hey, could you describe the week before this?
I'd like to lose my feelings too, so I think I could try to repeat your actions.

Anonymous said...

YAY!! You're BACK!!

doublenegative said...

This is the most accurate representation of what depression is like (as I've experienced it) that I've ever seen. Seriously, thank you for this.

tea said...

i spent the past few months going through something very similar. and i'm not the only one in my circle. medication has helped in ways that i didn't think possible.

just know that we miss you when you are away.

and that you are not alone. <3

Jennifa said...

Good Stuff. Keep it up.

LURKING CLASS CEO said...

It's cool you finally got to go through this phase in life.

this exact same thing happened to me and that's kinda why I started getting back into my art and my blog.

nothing can stop someone who has gone through this. It feels good. And it's an attractive quality to attain. Not giving a fuck.

Anonymous said...

Right there with you. I've been going through this sort of thing, in and out, since age 10 or so (it runs in the family). And like you, weird things pull me out of it.

For instance, I remember once talking to friend on the telephone and telling him that I'd been feeling suicidally depressed and that I was just starting to come out of the woods. He said, "hey man, whenever you're feeling like you want to end it all, call me. It doesn't matter what time, 2 in the morning -- just call me. And I'll be there to tell you... yeah, mean, you're totally right, life sucks, go for it..." I laughed for about 10 minutes. Totally cathartic.

Anonymous said...

*man

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this post.

Anonymous said...

You're not alone. I my experiences with depression, shame and self loathing only makes things worse, so try to avoid it. And yes, I know I'm a random person on the internet giving advice, so if you don't trust me at all, I'll understand.

SWF said...

I love you! This made my totally-started-out-as-sad day happier.

Anonymous said...

Allie! I've missed you! Depression can be debilitating -- I know it's ugly cousin Anxiety (yes that deserves a capital letter).

On a side note, I got a new job and a coworker and I bonded over our love of all things Hyperbole and a Half. Then she told me she has met you and I realized that she won. I did not win.

Amy said...

While reading this I was torn between going "Awwww!" with a sad face and laughing uncontrollably, mostly from relief that someone who writes the funniest stuff on the internet and has a bajillion admirers could feel so exactly like the rest of us do sometimes.

The drawings were hilarious, but completely relatable... SO true about the hating-yourself thing. THANK you for posting this, I feel like a real person. :)

MammaBri said...

So insanely funny becuase it's so true.

Fucking rabbit hole. I fall down it often.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this.

Jeff said...

Alli,

I am 18 years old, going on 19.

When I was 15, my father had a stroke and the change in his personality ushered in a new, horrific era of abuse.

He's gone now, and I'm better than I was. But for a long time, and even somewhat today, I act like this.

I'll get sad and I'll bully myself into doing something. The theory is that all you have to do is not fail. So, you have a choice between doing the things that you need to do, or failing to do them. And no matter how tough the thought of doing something is, how unbearable or how much you lack the motivation is... The thought of what you will do to yourself-- The consequence of failure-- becomes the greater pressure.

I understand the vicious cycle of self-hatred and am only now starting to break free.

Looking at where you are now, you've gotten yourself over the hump and re-enabled yourself. But complete recovery will take time.

You'll come out on top. You will come out stronger for it. You will feel human again-- and appreciate it in more depth than ever before.

From a fellow human. I wish you the best.

Your blog makes me smile. It's the only one I read.

Good Luck,
Jeff.

Allison said...

I'm happy to see you back and feeling better! I've been in a little hole myself, and you described everything I'm going through. You're a role-model to me.

Keela said...

I can completely relate. It's like accidentally finding the back door to nirvana.

Your stories sound so familiar that sometimes I wonder if you are me from a parallel universe.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing.

Anonymous said...

So brave of you to share your story of depression! So relatable and heartwarming :) It absolutely made my day to find this post and I think it's an excellent example of how human and common depression is. Enjoy your rebellion :)

Ziggy said...

My mom gave me some advice not too long ago, she told me that if I ever needed a laugh all I needed to do was dance naked in front of my pet and look at their reaction. :) Maybe this is just my family being weird, but it helps me at least. I've missed your blog and I'm so happy to see you're writing again! I'm also super excited to note that around this time next year, we'll be able to buy your book! :D Keep on being a badass, Allie!!!

P.S. I am rhythmically challenged, and whenever I try to sexy dance at a party, I think of your post and start snickering outrageously. Thank goodness other people are usually too drunk to take notice of how bad my dancing is...

Anonymous said...

This is the most accurate, hilarious, perfect description of depression I have ever seen.

And as someone who was happy when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at 33, because at least it meant I finally had a *reason* to be depressed, I feel like depression and I know each other pretty well.

So happy to see your post. Sending all good wishes your way.

Nikki S said...

I've checked your blog everyday for months to see if you posted again. I'm glad you did, but my heart is hurting. I've suffered from depression for 9 years and even though it's managed, I still get times like this. Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for help!

Anonymous said...

I suffer from this on and off. and am currently on a 2 month case. A lot of it has to do with not knowing my purpose and being alone.

The main reason for posting this is to tell you that as I read this, I related. And reading all of the comments prove we are not alone in feeling this way. Each of us find our own way of dealing with it, hope you find yours.

thank you for the comics/stories. they really do make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're riding high these days... but just in case, get your butt out for a run! As a former college runner, I know too well how deeply sadness can seep in when you no longer feel part of a team-family nor get an intense daily rush of endorphins. Anyway, thanks for sharing, Allie. You really are swell - I don't care what you're internal voice says.

Unknown said...

So glad to see a new post! Obviously, lots of us missed you and are glad that you're back :)

People often think that I'm one of those tough as nails people, but even though that's what it might look like on the outside, it's mostly just me trying to hide my anxiety from everyone!

I hope you feel better, and manage to create the apathetic exoskeleton at will!

Unknown said...

YAAAAAYYYYYYYY

You make so many people a little happier everytime you create these wonderfully drawn little comics! There's one reason to feel a little happier yourself!

I hope everything works out for you, I can totally relate to this. I've been there. A BIG HUG FOR YOU (unless you'd feel completely akward recieving it, which would be totally fine with me)

ENGAGE EXOSKELETON!

invisiblemoose said...

You are totally my hero.

Kirby B said...

OMG TOTALLY RELATE IN EVERY WAYYYY!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDD
Depression buddies FOREVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!

BMK said...

This story has the best ending. I laughed, I cried, I was reborn.

Esther said...

Wow. Thanks for the honesty and something I really needed today. I hope things continue to look up for you.

zzxjoanw said...

Yaaaay, you're back! :does the Allie-posted dance:

truktruktruk said...

This is ghostly similar to my own experience with depression wherein I spent a year in bed and another two unemployed plus directionless. That reasonlessness and apathy that inevitably morphs into ennui is too familiar. I want to believe it gets better, but I'm not yet convinced. I suppose some combination of distraction, faking it and focus on inhabiting the immediate moment has propelled my mood into a state of passable balance.

During the worst of my rut, finding your blog was the first thing in a long while able to break my apathetic state and incite laughter. And this post is an absolutley brilliant and relatable insight into the human condition. You are amazingly talented. Take care of yourself.

BeckeyZ said...

I totally get this. Thank you so much for sharing. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

We all missed you! As I'm sure you can tell. And we all want you to be happy no matter what it takes. Let us know if we readers can do anything!

Zhoen said...

I'm very glad that underneath everything, you found courage. It will serve you well.

kmp said...

sometimes the best way to deal with sad is to make something funny out of it. well done.

kmp said...

sometimes the best way to deal with sad is to make something funny out of it. well done.

Sophia Grace said...

Boy. You described this perfectly. Almost like you had lived it.

Hope you're feeling better these days! xoxox

Anonymous said...

Allie:
You are a lovely person. You are hilarious, creative, witty, and now INVINCIBLE.
You can wrestle spiders and bears and watch all of the horror movies!
We love seeing you back in action, because you are all the things listed above, and your stories are wonderful.
I missed you, and your tales of computer-craziness, and spider-fear, and wacky animals.
The internet was a lesser place during your absence here.

Val said...

I'm sad that you are dealing with depression, but I loved this post and how well you captured it and how it made me laugh even though depression is just... you know... depressing. Find your way to the other side.

Val said...

I'm sad that you are dealing with depression, but I loved this post and how well you captured it and how it made me laugh even though depression is just... you know... depressing. Find your way to the other side.

Anonymous said...

I can so relate!...this happens to me 2-3 days out of every month...dark night of the soul..glad to see you've come through to the other side, love your blog :)

Anonymous said...

I can so relate!...this happens to me 2-3 days out of every month...dark night of the soul..glad to see you've come through to the other side, love your blog :)

Jackie said...

I don't think this is sad! I have depression too, and it's just kind of life I suppose. Glad that you totally became a fearless badass with awesome hard rock music playing in the background! I hope you're doing all right :)

Also, yay for a new post! <3

Kokorozashi said...

Thank you times a million.

This is pretty much exactly how my depressions go down.

Next time I am struggling to explain, I will just send a link.

Amazing!

Tatiana said...

You are super gifted and I'm amazed at how well you captured just how it feels to be depressed. Several zillion of us are thinking "she must be me" you nailed it so well. And you somehow made it funny and entertaining, too. You're a true artist.

Now please, please get some help. Look around; the world needs you, sister! We need you to write our selves for us, and not be frozen on the sofa sitting on dirty laundry forever.

Please don't waste any more of your life that way. Despite how it feels, there *are* ways to feel better. You're not at a dead end. I know it's hard but please just go to a doctor and get some medicine, just for a while, just to knock you out of that downward spiral.

Thanks. There's a whole lotta love for you here in these comments. Tap into that to give you the energy to get help.

Sherri said...

Thank you. Seriously. Thank you. I have spent a decade trying to explain what my experiences with depression have been like. I honestly could handle the intense sadness, but the apathy about did me in. I'm sharing this with others as part of my "depression isn't just about being sad so stop telling me to snap out of it" campaign.

Hope you feel better. Drugs do help :) The legal antidepressant kind. Alcohol seems to help until you start to feel like maybe you aren't just depressed but you may be a depressed alcoholic and bumdom is right around the corner.

Frommerman said...

Depression. It's an all-devouring maw, a black hole of the human psyche. In my bouts with it, I even came up with a name for the crushing, empty abyss where my soul used to be: The Void.

Reading this was terrifying. ALL of those feelings were, at many points not so long ago, my own. The Void is not something any individual can fight on their own because any attempt to fight it directly only makes it stronger.

Even though you feel better now (and I'm SO glad you do!), remember: this isn't over yet. The Void is always there, and there is no true victory over it. Fortunately, though, you can control it.

Help is out there. These things have names, known symptoms and causes. That feeling that your life is a movie? That's called dissociation, and it's the main symptom of my own depression. That so much is known about these things means that there ARE answers. Ask for help. Make sure The Void does not consume you again. It is possible. For me, medication has done wonders, but counseling is an excellent place to start.

There is no shame in asking for help. There is only strength, and humbleness, in knowing the value of the assistance of others. It is not your fault. There is nothing to fear. If you need help, it's there for you.

Anonymous said...

Feel good! Because you are excellent. All of these comments are the proof of that.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Allie for giving us a voice *hugs*

tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

Aw, honey. It sucks. It does. I am glad that you are seeing the other side of the tunnel, but I'm sorry tha tyou had to go through it to begin with.

Hey. At least you're still rockin hilarious, right?

Alexis said...

I MISSED YOUR POSTS SO MUCH. NEVER LEAVE AGAIN. THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY. I FEEL LIKE RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS AND BUTTERLIES, THAT'S HOW HAPPY I AM.

Anonymous said...

I've been there and done that!!! I am SO GLAD you're doing better, and I hope you keep on improving until you are like a SHINING SUN OF JOY.

You know what? The next time I run into someone who doesn't understand depression, I'm going to link to this, because it explains what it's like in there better than anything I've ever read before.

You are AWESOME. I put a link to your lovely CLEAN ALL THE STUFF comic on my ADHD support group's private website. You are the QUEEN of describing mental illness! XD XD XD

Jim Goltz said...

I cannot BEGIN to tell you how familiar this all is. Even the breakthrough part.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Please take care of yourself. <3

Anonymous said...

The "other side" is a powerful thing - for me it was oddly empowering to finally seek help from a professional and be diagnosed with a serious mental disorder. It gave me hope to know that not everyone else in the world felt the same way about themselves, and that there was therefore a possibility that I might not always feel this way... Best of luck with your journeys on the other side.

GetBackJoJo said...

You are hilarious even when totally depressed. Loved your post. Hang in there. Or get some Zoloft/Prozac or the like. That works too. No reason to feel like ass when there are perfectly great drugs to smack you around. :)
-signed, an official SSRI user

Freddie said...

It's good to see you posting again. Your posts are always so relatable, including this one. Bless you for taking something like severe depression and using it against itself. Not many folks are capable of that, and I admire you for it.

Anonymous said...

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

Only instead of buying movies I bought chickens. Lots and lots of chickens.

Bawk.

Kenneth said...

Some people might say that this post wasn't as "funny" like some of your others were, I just want to tell you that I think in your own way you saved me a bit. Thanks Allie.

ALB said...

Yay new post!! I got so excitec to see you pop up on my google reader I almost jumped off the couch! Glad you are feeling better and kicking ass again.

Anonymous said...

Yup. This is what depression is like. So glad you punched through it. Ironically, your stories have been a good antidote for my occasional bouts of (milder) depression. My 2 daughters and I have been breathless with laughter over The Party. the one with the wolves and the Christmas story. We can crack each other up just by saying, "I can do it! I can roun across the parp!" Your humor is good medicine for me! Thank you for sharing your gifts with all of us. *hugs!*

Evelyn said...

When I suffered depression the only thing more exhausting than actually doing anything while depressed was the absolutely manic swings between invincibility and self-loathing. God I do not miss those days. Occasionally I still go on weird power trips.

*huggles* Take care, yeah? We're all here for you :]

Hadar said...

SO glad you are back. :-)

This post made me so happy.

Commentatrix said...

My favorite part is the picture of sitting on the pile of dirty laundry, because, hey, it's not too uncomfortable anyway. I laughed out loud, because I've been there. Depression sucks, period. And while giving anti-depressive advice is generally counter-productive, I will observe that my favorite coping mechanism is just being too f-ing stubborn to give up.

Sasha C said...

Sometimes I'm glad my depression never feels this simple.

Anonymous said...

Allie...just know that no matter what you are OK...you are loved and you are an amazing human being. Thank you so much for sharing yourself through your blog, you'll never know how many of us nameless, faceless people you've touched with your writing. Just SHOWING UP on this planet every day is enough, promise.

Pru said...

Thank you for writing this. I was depressed last summer, and it tried to sneak up on me this summer too, and it was for no good reason and I thought I was the only one. So thank you.

Cait said...

I <3 you Allie! Glad to hear you're feeling better- I can definitely relate. Your blog always puts a smile on my face! You're a brilliant writer!

Allie G. said...

Allie, thank you for sharing this! Isn't the exoskeleton amazing? I've met some incredible people lately now that I'm no longer afraid to talk to them! (due in part to just not caring what they think of me anymore. Such freedom!)

Warmly,

a fellow Allie also with a newly discovered exoskeleton: )

Anonymous said...

Glad to have you back, Ali. =) *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you've been going through this, but thank you for writing about it. My mother was like this for much of my childhood, although she never got a formal diagnosis of depression and never got it treated. I inherited it from her. Your comic is spot on.

Please be careful with the exoskeleton phase. Please make an appointment with a mental health professional, if you haven't already, to be sure it isn't mania or psychotic depression. It feels awesome at first, but that's when the combination of increased energy and Not Giving a Fuck can end up with you hurting yourself or others. Depressive psychosis was one of the shittiest experiences of my life.

Best of luck. It sounds like you're feeling at least a little better (hey, you got a comic up), but if you're still clawing your way out of the pit, know that it doesn't have to last forever. At one point I dropped out of college, was convinced I wouldn't see 25, started fights with random people in public, and was regularly weeping on the sidewalk. I got treatment for it and now I'm doing well in grad school, just had my 29th birthday, have an awesome husband and friends, and am (mostly) pleasant to random strangers. Unless they're assholes.

Anonymous said...

That was amazing. It definitely summed up how I was when I was depressed. I didn't even have a reason, which made me fall deep into my pit of self-loathing even more.

Then I failed my exams at university and was dragged into a psychiatrist's office. And following intensive antidepressants + psychotherapy.... WHOOOOO SCREW YOU, DEPRESSION. I CAN SMILE AND FEEL REAL THINGS NOW. LIKE, REAL FEELINGS AND STUFF. TAKE THAT.

Nicole@MyIdeaLife said...

I've missed you...I was sad...but I own a bike, I've read your story and I'm going to ride and be invincible! (Love you!)
Nicole x
aka @_wideeyedgirl

mulletbraid said...

You totally nailed it. So. Perfect.

I am glad you know that it doesn't matter what anybody thinks of you. I'm sorry you had to go through depression and self-loathing to get there.

Thank you for doing this. The next time somebody says, "well, why can't X just get up and do something for herself?" I'm going to point them here.

Anonymous said...

I spent all summer dying for a new post. It was a miserable awful summer for me and I, too, was in a solid depression. I gave up checking for a new post. Today, I had a great day and I have been feeling awesome lately. Decided to check. So very happy that you are feeling better!

Eve said...

I'm so happy you're back!

Anonymous said...

Allie, I hope you laugh at your sad/funny stories as much as we do. You totally describe my experience in this post, and I find it seriously healing to laugh at myself through your writing.

You are awesome! So glad you're back!!!!

Table4Five said...

Really glad you're feeling better, Allie. I battle chronic depression, and I've been where you were. For me it's like a cloud descended onto my life, and when I come out of it, it's like the cloud lifted. I'm glad that lady in the video store reminded you that you can do anything! You can do ALL THE THINGS.

Virginia said...

Thank you so much for sharing what you have been going through. This, and your "This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult" post have helped me by letting me know I'm not alone. So often I feel like Artax from Neverending Story, sinking into the Swamps of Sadness. Then I call myself a stupid horse, have a chuckle, and try to give myself something in the future to look forward to. I hope you find your way out of the swamp.

Anonymous said...

I LOVED this post. It made me laugh because I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. you described it perfectly. thank you. just knowing i'm not alone helps.

NatalieSomeone said...

What I really want to know is if you ever got to watch Jumanji. Seriously. Because when you get an urge like that, it keeps eating away at the inside of your head the longer you have to wait.

But really, I'm glad you're doing better. Those f*cking spiders better watch themselves!

Anonymous said...

glad to see you posting again thanks for making my day brighter...

Kelsey said...

This was so sad and yet funny as well. Feel better, Allie. We all love you.
<3

Anonymous said...

i've literally never laughed as hard at one of your posts before. and i always think you're funny, but this is especially the case now, because what you write and draw is so true. way to make something out of it!

catninja said...

So. Wow. I mean, I want to express that I am sorry for your depression and it is horrible and I want to know how things are now and if they've turned around and also if you seriously live in Bend that's really cool and makes me feel special and I want to read your book so very much and I've been reading your posts allowed to my mom and having superfun... But I am a stranger on the internet, and that is creepy.

You see, the problem is, in the past four days, I have read everything you have up on your blog and thus I think you are awesome. I've been in the hospital for a week now, and your blog has significantly increased my quality of life. Reading Hyperbole and a Half essentially has been making me happy in the faces of IVs and odd machines and forcible bedrest. So while I just want to hang off you in an adoring and awed manner, in the fishlike style of some of your art, I am a creepy stranger. See the problem?

So anyway. You kick ass and make anything better and best wishes. And don't touch a spider. There is invincibility and then there is insanity.

Anonymous said...

I really appreciate this. Thank you every way from sunday and hope that the horror movies were awesome.

Anonymous said...

(I tried to read the other comments to see if I was being repetitive, but as it turns out, there are a lot of comments. So I stopped.)

The best part about my several-year depression was definitely failing to care about going out in public looking like crap. It's a benefit that survived medication and return to (largely) normal functioning, actually. Sometimes, even now, I like to go out looking like crap and glare at people, uncaring of their opinion, just because I still can.

Sheri said...

Such a great post. Love it! Been there.

Anonymous said...

A weird tip, in case it happens again: When I'm depressed it's good to give myself a temporary break from big goals while I concentrate on small ones. Flossing can trigger a feeling of breakthrough if you've been neglecting yourself.

Molly said...

You have aptly described being in our 20s. Lord Almighty, they are seriously rough times. Welcome semi-back! Keep coming this way - as you can see from the other 3000+ posts, there are a LITERAL shit-ton of people waiting to support you with open arms ;)... literal shit-ton. :) I'm very happy to see you again.

E said...

This is great. Thanks.

Sarah Sequins said...

A long time ago, I read a great book called The Depression Book by Cheri Huber. She says that it isn't depression that's the problem, as much as the way we react to it, and I think she's got a good point.

Sometimes it's the last thing I feel like doing, but when I'm feeling craptastic, I tell myself it's OK to feel that way, give myself some good moping time, and do nice things for myself like eating my favorite foods and hula hooping in my basement. Or watching hilariously awful horror movies. Bad moods don't stick around as long if I do that -- it's like they get bored and go away.

I don't know if that will work for you, but I thought I'd put the idea out there. No matter what you do, though, I know you'll be OK. The way your post ended shows me that you're an incredible and strong person!

Also, your post on moving with dogs really cheered me up when I was going through a tough time. I laughed so hard I almost died, but in a good way. It was exactly what I needed. *Hugs.*

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you started posting again.

I was once in the same situation as you except I "broke through" to hyper self-awareness and unknown levels of awkwardness. To this day I'm only ok when there is routine and I don't have to socialize for the sake of socializing.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a textbook case of Bi-polar disorder to me.

Erika said...

Glad to have you back, Allie. :) I know struggling with depression can be a downright bitch, but if it helps at all- when I feel myself going through one of my 'moods' (as I so neatly call them), I come look at your blog. You're so real, honest and hilarious, it's a nice way to keep myself grounded.

Even when it sucks, just know that you're helping someone else out there beating a similar situation.

Keep being you!

Erika said...

Glad to have you back, Allie. :) I know struggling with depression can be a downright bitch, but if it helps at all- when I feel myself going through one of my 'moods' (as I so neatly call them), I come look at your blog. You're so real, honest and hilarious, it's a nice way to keep myself grounded.

Even when it sucks, just know that you're helping someone else out there beating a similar situation.

Keep being you!

Candyce Napoleon said...

you are beautiful and great. This pretty much broke my heart, but also, I love that you love Jumanji. I will ALWAYS love jumanji. That crazy-game drumbeat always made me feel reckless. I hope you get to feeling better. You really are great. and a genius.

Anonymous said...

Feel better - (Ryan&Evie)

Afoso Olumese said...

totally relate, sometimes you just feel sad/depressed and you're just like why do i feel this way? it's not like i want to.
i give you kudos for posting your story.

Karen said...

Oh Allie..you just described the last 4 years of my life with such exquisite accuracy. But, as I see all the love in these comments..I hope you realize that you are not alone. And, I want you to know, for me reading your blog is an enjoyable relief from my pain..so I hope that you keep blogging. You are so truly talented and hilarious..and there aren't enough people in the world like you. Thank you for what you do..and I hope to see more soon. Whenever you are ready <3 .

Anonymous said...

Wait, don't watch a horror movie! You might shatter your exoskeleton.
Remember how you watched a horror movie and thought that you wouldn't be scared, and then you were scared?
Well, now your only reason is that your depression has turned into blind bravery. That might not be the best reason. Maybe you should go to the theater. "Puss in Boots"?
Sorry for ranting at 2:15 AM about some faint recollection of a past entry. Plus, you've most likely already seen the movies. I'd delete this, but it's too long. So here.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, what time zone is it noon in?

Karalynne said...

Why is it that we can't say anything nice to ourselves? I have spent decades being polite to strangers and coworkers every day and yet my personal bully works fucking overtime to break me to pieces. She is a total bitch.

I hope you don't mind. I am going to adjust my hearing to listen for your inner bully instead of mine ("good job, fork-grabber!"). Maybe then I will laugh at her instead of listening to mine only to find my self standing in a corner looking stupid. I'll let you know how it works out.

Thanks for sharing.

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